College Take 2

Hi you beautiful people <3

For those of you who don't know, yesterday I moved into Vassar for the second (first) time. By that, I mean that it was the beginning of my second attempt at freshman orientation. After two whole years of struggle and therapy and waiting, I FINALLY got to rejoin the land of college education.

I was beyond terrified, to say the least.

Though it was my second time around and packing and moving in was all second nature, the anxiety was still very much there. I'd be starting college after taking two years off of school. What if I forgot how to introduce myself? What if I forgot how to make friends? What if my old friends didn't remember me? What if I forget how to write a paper? What if I forget how to take notes? Do research? Participate in class? All these thoughts were swarming through my head as I unpacked my dad's CRV.

The campus brought back so many memories of my first time around. The late-night walks I took with Evan, the dorm I lived in with Linnea, the classrooms I rehearsed in with the Owls... Then there were the not-so-good parts: the basement I had almost every single panic attack in, the office I spent most of my time crying in, the dorm I was assaulted at... Those memories weren't exactly happy ones. Nonetheless, it was exciting to see some familiar faces and make friendly conversation with new ones.

Since my actual dorm got a long-awaited makeover but isn't totally finished yet, I've been placed in a temporary rooming situation until tomorrow (hopefully then I can move into my real dorm room.) I've only unpacked my sleeping bag thus far cuz it's not worth it to unpack just to have to repack and then unpack yet again. Blegh. College is frustrating. But anyhow.

Regular orientation starts on Monday I believe. It's always weird when the domestic students come to campus because I feel like the vibe completely changes. Not necessarily in a bad way. It's just different.

I miss my Owls. I can't wait to see them and hoot with them again.

I need to update my resume so I can start applying to jobs ASAP. I need to make that cash money.

I need to get in the habit of writing more often cuz every time I take a significant break and then come back to it, I always end up hating how it sounds and getting too perfectionist-y about it. Ugh. It's okay, it'll come back to me eventually.

I'm absolutely ecstatic to be a part of a community again. I've missed that. I miss feeling like an intellectual scholar who actually knows some shit. I dunno. It's nice to have conversations with people of all varying expertise.

This semester I really wanna focus on myself. Eating, sleeping, studying. Not get involved in other people's drama. I can't afford to do that this time. At least not this semester. This time around, I'm allowing myself to be selfish. This time is for me to better myself, to establish healthy routines, healthy relationships. I wanna prioritize self-care and school and the Owls and that's it. Next semester I can think about joining other clubs like Burlesque or Archery or Latinx Alliance or The Miscellany News or Student Theatre.

For now, I just want to keep myself as focused as possible on very few commitments. At least that is the hope. We'll see.

I'm excited to spend time with the love of my life, Linnea, and harass the shit out of Evan :) It'll be wonderful.

All in all, though I am quite nervous about some aspects of college life, I am also incredibly excited and thrilled to finally be able to go back to it and enjoy it for what it is. I am older now. I know things now. I have control now. I have more experience and more agency. I have the power to control how I want things to go for me. I am going to be okay. I am going to be all right. I am going to make it through.

In other news, I think my mom is visiting to give some lecture in two weeks so that'll be interesting.

Please stay hydrated while the world is on fire, thanks.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Here Are Some Things You Didn't Need

Evidently I am absolutely atrocious at keeping my word so.

Hello hi. I am still alive.

A great many random things are happening in my life at the moment. Among them:

• After MONTHS of waiting, I finally got my Vassar financial aid package and it ended up amounting to way more than I ever could have thought possible so I am VERY hyped.

• My cousin Natasha started living with us at the beginning of summer and it's been crazy weird to have somewhat of a pseudo older sister around all the time.

• After days/weeks of agonizing over dorms and roommates, I finally got my assignment last Thursday! Though initially bummed about my dorm, some dear friends of mine gave me hope and made me feel better about it.

• I've been babysitting practically nonstop the past few months and as much as I love it, HECK is it exhausting. I do love my kids tho. Very much so. My girls range from six months to eleven years old.

• I am the best sister ever and landed YD some quality paying gigs :)

• I pre-registered for fall semester classes a while back and I am itching to get my hands on my schedule because I wanna see if I got things I actually wanted.

• I forget if I mentioned but we're moving to Vermont??? Long story short, Tia Susan and Tio Bob got offered a wonderful position in Santa Cruz but don't wanna sell their VT house, so Papi is gonna take care of it for a couple of years (Natasha will for as long as she wants to stay there). YD and I will be going there during school breaks if nowhere else. Odd how the building that was never really our house is the closest feeling I have to home.

• Ali and Max will still be living at their own respective places in VT so I'll be happy happy happy to see them more often! :)

• I have made such a beautiful friend in Kota. They are such a bright, wonderful, loving soul. Funny how the universe blesses us in strange ways.

• I've become a tiny bit obsessive with lists and dorm decorating ideas? It's not that bad, I only have like 40 boards of it on Pinterest...

• In terms of moving to VT, Papi has wanted a lil baby kitty for quite some time now but wasn't given the opportunity to have one in New York. Fun fact––Tomorrow me, my dad, and the bros will be out and about searching for our forever kitty <3 I am BEYOND EXCITED!!!!!!

• I finally saw The Lion King in theaters with my fam and as shitty as its reviews were, I honestly liked it. Like, do I regret seeing it in theaters? No. Would I watch it again in theaters? No. For people expecting the same magic and nostalgia as the first one, this ain't it. For people expecting gorgeous artwork, outstanding vocals, and hilarious comedic improv, this hits all the marks. I told YD it sort of felt like a song cover but for a movie. Not a live-action remake, more of an HD hyper-realistic rendition of the artwork and not much messing around with anything else. For what it was, I enjoyed it. Watch it if only for the stunning art. Those artists deserve tons of credit.

• I also watched Avengers: Endgame sometime this summer and Spiderman: Far From Home. Let's just say ow my entire heart is in pain but it's fine. Everything's fine.

• Stranger Things season 3 came out after we waited FOREVER and I was not disappointed one bit. Like, some things coulda been different if I had my say but god bless those children I adore them.

• Sidenote, I'm super delirious right now and might be crashing pretty soon but I figured I should just write. Haven't done it in a while so it was time.

• My dear, sweet Cameron Boyce passed away at 20 and my heart ached for days. It still does. What joy he brought to my life. What joy he brought to the world. We will miss you every day of our lives. Rest easy, darling.

• I have so many things I could write about. I have so many things I should write about but my brain is a little heckin scrambled and it won't be worth trying to unjumble it right now.

• Packing is so wild. Like, I get in weird moods where I'll just do it for hours and hours and clean and organize and reorganize. I might have a problem.

• I'm so sleepy holy fuck

• My wife Megan got me hooked on the Irish show Derry Girls and season 2 just came out on Netflix I am so pumped.

• I still gotta jump on the Euphoria and Succession and Dear White People train. I'll get there. I just have tons of other things to start/finish first.

• There was a brief period of time recently where I was experiencing major medication withdrawal symptoms and let me tell you, I recommend that shit to exactly no one. Like. NADIE. Jesus fuck it was awful.

• Update: I am now also ravenous. Fuck me.

• I'm so excited to hoot with my Owls again and harass my twin Evan and hug my dear Linnea to death <3

• Making new memories is something I'm equally terrified and excited about. This needs to be a new chapter. A new page. A clean slate. I need a new beginning. I do I do I do.

I could probably go on but my eyes are closing and my stomach is gurgling so this is an adiós from me. But that sounds too final so this is more of a "Hablamos pronto. Cuídense. Los amo."

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

I Am

Hello hi hi hi I literally have two entire blogposts on hold that I started before this one (it has been impossible to come back to writing them for some reason) but the inspiration came to me (probably due to my own delirium) and I couldn't let it go #sorrynotsorry ;)

Anywayyyyy here's the piece I felt overwhelmingly compelled to write.

..........

I Am

by: Maya I. E. Wilson

I am not beauty, nor elegance, nor grace
Don't you dare speak my name
I am festering wounds
I am tumbling mouths
I am crumbs in the bedsheets, stale gum and plot holes
I am not softly falling rain
I am the hurricane
I am peppered on bruises
I am swollen tonsils and week-old stubble
I am talking hands and chipped nail polish and sand
I am sunburnt ego
I am too-large nose
I am too loud, too short, too proud
I am my mother's mistakes
I am my father's mistakes
I am above my past and I am forever grieving it
I am reaching for fireflies
I am making new histories
I am big, I am love, I am joy
I hold the entire world in my palms
I am the cracks on the sidewalk and the flowers that grow from them
I am freezing cold water and gasps for air
I am yearning for something that might not be there
I am not steady
I am not calm
I am not a product of everything wrong
I am kites flying high and piles of snow
I am not the rehearsal, I am the show
I am tuna melts and Yankee candles and pinky promises
I am tangles of ivy and Newport and clam chowder
I am frigid Novembers and colder Decembers and overweight Vermont turkeys
I am crackling knuckles and future arthritis
I am the dulce de leche my grandparents invited
I am the speeding sailboats and the swaying palm trees off the coast of California
I am the currents flowing through Río Ozama
I am the hymns from churches I've never been to
I am a New York sliced pizza and fights you've never been through
I am too scared of subways, too Hudson River,
too young and still too much of a giver
I am not the national anthem, I am not a prize to be won
I am the children's laughter at recess
I am the view from Pico Duarte
I am the unspoken progress
I am free time on a workday
I am the floors my mother slept on
I am the songs my father sang
I am my brothers' peace of mind
I am the help hotline you rang
I am the dream that never ended, the story always retold
I am terrified of staying, terrified of growing old

I am not fleeting, nor sudden, nor temporary.
I am present, ever constant, ever permanent.
Ever here.
Do not try to perfect me,
I am my own magnum opus.
You do not get to claim me.
I am not yours to be had.
I am mine and mine alone.
You got that?

..........

So I casually stayed up all night––it's currently 12pm (as in noon) and I have yet to fall asleep :-) I dunno, I felt this urgent call to write. Like, I just had to. It was gonna eat at me otherwise.

Would love to hear your thoughts <3

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S.: I'm reading this over right now and I don't know if it's the sleep deprivation but I am absolutely in love with it <3

For Lack of a Better Post

I really need to stop taking such enormous hiatuses.

Here are some fun and exciting things that have happened in the life of Maya since we last spoke:

1) Papi and I saw Avengers: Endgame and if you haven't seen it by now, shame on you. It's a cultural necessity.

2) I read a beautiful and tragic book by the name of Zac+Mia. Highly recommend.

3) I skimmed through some cool babysitting jobs and managed to become part of the top 1% of babysitters in my area apparently???

4) I finally managed to start going to therapy again after freaking months. Insurance is truly a bitch.

5) I became fast friends with one of Lauryn's college buds, Luke :)

6) We had our Newsies cast party and I had the best time!!! My babies CJ and Nat were adorable as ever and we even got to play Unstable Unicorns with my other baby Danny <3 I got a wee bit drunk and so did everyone else and it was glorious.

7) I introduced Papi to Queer Eye and I'm pretty sure we've watched every single episode at this point. There's not a single one he didn't cry at.

8) Papi and I watched one of the most horrific renditions of Les Mis this world has ever seen and did not regret a single second of it. We were thoroughly entertained. Who knew Les Mis was a comedy?

9) I filmed a mini Mother's Day video (props to my cousin Brenda for putting it together) for my beautiful Tia Nelly and was rewarded with many tears and words of appreciation.

10) My cousin Natasha came to stay! We got to catch up on our wild lives and the many petty things that happen to us on a regular basis :)

11) I continued to walk the precious puggle, Chloe, although she's been having trouble walking lately and it makes me v sad.

12) I got asked to dogsit for Shea again!!! For five days!!! I'm so excited!!!

13) I started reading Reincarnation Blues at Luke's urging and so far I'm completely loving it.

14) I booked my train tickets for RI. Gotta go see my Abbey babies graduate next week!

15) I finally got around to watching The Imitation Game and was a thousand percent blown away. The cast was impeccable and their portrayals of these real people were astounding. I could watch it again and again and again.

16) My mom turned a whole fifty years old! Which is crazy to me because I honestly have frozen her in time at age 36. Or 37. Hard to believe she's even a day older than that, honestly.

17) In searching for pictures to post on my mom's birthday, I discovered an obscenely large amount of meme-worthy pictures featuring me and my entire family. That's what happens when your mom decides to post every single fucking picture that exists of you on Facebook. What a time to be alive.

18) Since Vassar's administration decided I was a ghost in their system (long story) and didn't make any moves to fix it, my parents took to writing many strongly worded emails and I just gotta say I never feel luckier than when my parents defend my honor/existence. It's truly a blessing.

19) These abortion bans have got me all kinds of fucked up. Livid. Scared. Outraged. Distraught. I can't even begin to explain how terrifying it is to be in possession of a uterus these days. That goes for trans men, gender non-conforming, agender, and non-binary people too. It's really fucking scary to know that a bunch on non-uterus-possessing individuals can just snap their fingers and take away our bodily autonomy. For fuck's sake, dead corpses have more bodily autonomy than we do. It's not about the children. It's never been about them. It's about control and nothing more.

20) I'm going to see Nat's dance recital this weekend and I'm so freaking hyped!!! That girl's got wicked talent.

And thus concludes my mini update. I swear I have better post ideas, it's just a matter of actually sitting down and creating them. In the meantime, you get to enjoy my day to day life. Riveting, I know.

Honestly why do these always occur at the crack of dawn?

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

My Extremely Riveting Life

Hi hi hi

So it's been a hot second since I last posted (was somewhat in a post-show depressive funk, as one does) but I just thought I'd ease your wild concerns and let you know that I've actually had some pretty cool things happen since the show ended.

I mean, their happening didn't really have anything to do with the show ending it just sorta coincided that way and just... Anyway.

I managed to read two entire horrifically depressing yet mildly uplifting books: My Heart & Other Black Holes as well as Beautiful Broken Things. In all honesty I preferred the latter. Felt a bit more realistic and was more about the complexities of teenaged friendship I guess? Good stuff.

I got to meet my uncle Joel's dogs and bring them to the dog park!!!

Also also also I managed to develop an extremely huge crush and have it squashed in three seconds flat so like that was super fun. It's okay though. I mean, I think it will be. I hope it will be. I still want us to be friends.

I got to spend time with my Newsies #yamily at a super yummy food place called Novelty Eats in the Bronx and also at our dear Matt's script reading for his new play. It was shockingly beautiful and truly something else.

Oh also I got to see Hadestown on Broadway with my dad as a joint birthday present for the two of us but that's something that I might need to reserve for a whole other post...

I finally got around to watching Christopher Robin because it happened to be on Netflix and I was not at all disappointed.

Got my first sunburn of the year over something really stupid.

Buying tickets for Avengers: Endgame was essential. We're watching it on Monday. Until then, zero spoilers or I will murder you.

I got to dogsit overnight at someone's apartment and it was such a cool experience. Shea the dog is such a fuckin cutie. I also get to dogwalk for this oldie Puggle named Chloe. Three times a week. It's a dream.

Other than that, I've really just been going to babysitting interviews (some involving some deeply overprotective and micromanaging parents...) and catching up on some annoying college financial aid stuff. The usual.

I think next week, me and my dad may attempt to go see my friend Ottavio's Seussical at his high school. He claims it's gonna be a disaster and a half, I think it's gonna be entertaining as hell. What can ya do.

OH! I ALMOST FORGOT!

I CHANGED MY FIRST EVER TIRE! AND DIAPER! BUT THE TIRE PART IS MORE IMPORTANT!

Lmao I mean I didn't really change the tire, my dad did, but I think it still counts. I helped elevate the car with the weird lever thingy and loosened the bolt things and held the new tire in place and tightened the other bolts and lowered the car again, etc. No big deal :)

Cool cool cool so that's been my update of the day.

Jesus, it's almost 2am. I seriously do not know how I keep doing this.

Anyhow, I love you all to pieces and I hope you get a daily dose of sunshine, metaphorical or not ;)

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Pseudo Hangovers

Hey folks.

Kind of a lot has happened in the past few days. Among them, I got fired from my first ever job, performed one of the greatest shows of all time with my fellow Newsies cast, booked at least four potential babysitting gigs, and experienced one of my worst bouts of post-show depression to date.

So yeah. A lot. I was asleep practically all day yesterday and didn't wake up til about 10:30pm so I have yet to fall asleep again. Which is bad, I know. My internal clock is all messed up.

Anyway, I'm pretty delirious as I'm writing this. I just kinda felt like I needed to write something. I dunno. I'm tired as fuck and kinda hungry and I have an interview at 3pm today but I couldn't fall asleep without writing something and throwing it out into the universe. Hence, this blogpost.

Gah, I miss my newsies peeps. Like lots.

By the way, post-show depression is kind of a lot like being really badly hungover plus severely mentally ill. In case you were wondering, it super sucks.

There was no real point to this post, so feel free to ignore it.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Our Little Lives

Just finished reading The Beginning of Everything.

Just remembered that satisfied feeling you get when you finally accomplish reading a book that was taking forever. I dunno, somehow that plus the urge to write. Big time. And not in some small way, either. I want to write big, great things; things people actually want to read; things people stay up all night waiting for, like I did. I want the fantasy and the wonder to come back, the seamless quoting from archaic poetry, the late nights without anxiety, the thrill of being the only one who knows what happens at the end.

I know I'm only me and in the words of Enjolras from Les Mis: "Our little lives don't count at all." But what if the world is simply too large and overwhelming, too frightening and all-encompassing, that all I can truly handle right now is my little life? Doesn't that count for something?

Part of me was destined to break the rules, to be a leader and a game-changer––that much is in my blood. The longing to make a huge impact is there but its hands are tightly wrapped around fear. The world is so big and I am so small. How could I possibly make room for all the pain and suffering in the world? I literally could not stomach it in its entirety. And if that makes me weak, then it makes me weak.

I know there are people far smaller and far braver than I, and I guess I have to be okay with that. I will not be the revolutionary or the paramedic or the missionary or the preacher. I cannot be. I only tell stories and try my best to reach my hand out through the spaces in my words, hoping someone will extend theirs and grab it. I only have enough space for that.

I will never be enough for you, but I am beginning to learn that that's okay. I am enough for me and my little life. If my stories reach other little lives and so on, so be it. Let them hold my hand and know I am walking beside them, too. That's the best I can do.

'Fraid that book I read was a bit existential. Or maybe it's nearly 3am and I'm the one feeling existential. Who knows. Either way, I needed to get that out of my system.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya