Shambles & Rambles

Hi friends.

It's currently 10pm on a Saturday night and I am writing this post since I finally have the time. I put the kids to bed two hours ago (not mine, relax) and finished cleaning up the dishes and wiping down the messy pizza counter.

Babysitting on a Saturday night the weekend before spring break isn't exactly the way I saw my plans going, but hey, the kids are adorable AND I get paid. We could all use a little more cash money.

Tomorrow will be the first of March and this next Friday I will be turning twenty years old.

Twenty, man. Two zero. That's fucking nuts.

Needless to say, I'm a little brain-scrambled considering this is my last full week as a teenager. God, even writing that makes me want to puke. I know life is all about living in the present and not dwelling on the past and enjoying every moment blablabla but it's terrifying to think twenty whole years of my life will have gone by.

On the one hand, I'm impressed. Not too long ago, Maya thought she wouldn't make it past eighteen. And here she is completing two decades of life. Wild. On the other hand, what the hell does one do when they're twenty? Do you magically learn how to file taxes? Do you take out a mortgage? Are you stuck with the same job for years or are you stuck in your parent's apartment for eternity? I know nobody ever really has it all figured out but like, I don't even know how to drive yet. Most kids my little brother's age are learning how to drive and sometimes I just feel kinda inadequate. Eh, I'll learn eventually.

February was kind of a trash month for everyone I know. Mercury in retrograde or whatever. Bad juju in the air. Fukú and whatnot. Anyhow, I'm hoping that since February has come to an end, March will provide a clean slate and restore balance to us all. It had better for me at least. It's my birthday month, after all.

Second week of break, the Owls and I are headed on tour to Chicago which will definitely merit a whole post of its own. I haven't been there since I was ten years old, man. It's been a while.

After coming back from break, we'll only have six weeks of school left. That's it. Six weeks and I will have finished my first whole year of college. Another feat I never thought I'd get to see. Then summer, then sophomore year. Insane.

I'm a little nervous because I don't have any summer jobs lined up yet for a number of reasons but I'm hopeful I'll make something work. I'm likeable and skilled enough, I suppose.

The room I'm currently sat in is freezing yet surprisingly cozy. I just wish I could smuggle a blanket in somewhere...

I know I talk about this a fuckton but I just have so many projects I want to work on and create. I just have to find the energy and motivation from somewhere first. It's getting there. At least I forced myself to write this post. Forcing myself to write at least makes me feel like I'm doing something.

In any case, my friends are wonderful and I love them so incredibly much because they put up with me even when I'm trash and am a little shit :) Y'all are the best, babes :*

There was no real point to this post other than explaining that I've had a pretty long four weeks and I'm looking forward to the next four. Yeah. I think that's it.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: MY PHONE CAMERA STARTED WORKING AGAIN AND I AM OVER THE MOON ABOUT IT I JUST KEEP TAKING PICTURES OF RANDOM SHIT YALL IT'S GREAT

Turkey Day List #2

Quick lil note: I am the worst at turning things in on time, even things like this. So bear with me pls. Pretend I posted this a whole month ago, cool thanks.

You know how this goes.

Mami & Papi: Change is inevitable. We are always growing, always learning, always evolving. It is not easy. I am proud of you. I love you both. With every fiber of my being. Please don't give up on yourselves. You have so much more to do. It is so close! You are so close! Sí se puede!

Yan Diego: I heckin worry about you sometimes, you piece of shit. Thanks for not being an asshole to me 100% of the time and also I think you're super talented and amazing and I brag about you every chance I get oops.

Javi: Dude you need to stop growing, it's kinda gross. Also please move to this side of the planet. We miss you so much it hurts sometimes.

Natasha: Life works in mysterious ways and even though the leadup kinda sucked ass, I'm glad the universe brought you to live with us. It's been such a blessing having you around and I don't think we could have gotten through the past six months without you <3

Suki: Mi amor bella y preciosa! No te apures, que ya ahorita llegamos a verte!

Nutella: Sigue haciendo tu cosa, nena.

Cinnamon: I hope you are enjoying your many naps on Grandma's lap, sweet girl.

Phoenix Emilio Salem Cruz: Natasha knew immediately that she was gonna take you home. How could she not? You fluffy black ball of fur, you. You've turned her into the wackiest cat mom out there, good job ;)

Sansa Scout Westley Wilson: You crazy, possessed demon, how I love you. I can't wait to get back to Vermont so I can force you to love me (even though you already do <3)

Abuelo & Bianelly: Son mis ídolos y le pido a Dios que puedan mudarse a la Florida seguramente.

Abuela: Sé que no siempre te entiendo pero mi mayor deseo es que jamás dudes cuanto te amo. Eres tan amada. Más que crees.

Grandma & Grandpa: I miss you guys so much and am super ready to see you guys at YD's graduation. It's been too long.

The Wilson-Fishers: Ditto.

Tío John & Gaby: You guys inspire me every day.

Joel, Melissa, Luis, & Noah: I'm so happy you guys are in my life, you don't even know. We have to make up for lost time but that shouldn't take us long :) I love you ALL to infinity and beyond!!!

Pri & Ana: My oldest friends. Las quiero more than you'll ever know.

Newsies Yamily: You pulled me out of the void when I needed it most. I Never Planned on No One Like You.

CJ & Nat: You two are the best thing that ever came from Newsies. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life <3

My grown-up babes, Lauryn, Kelila, Soren, Riley, Megan, Jay, Emma, & Julia, and my even older babes, Amanda, Caellum, Fonts, Mike, Claire, Thom, Sophia, Brandt, Tiernan, & Maeve: Everything I am today is because of every single one of you. I am so proud of and so thankful to each of you. I love you I love you I love you.

Jessica: You lunatic. I am SO lucky Vassar decided to pair me with you. I can't imagine myself with any other roommate. You make living with another person so easy (seeing as we're basically the same person in all the horrible ways) and coming home to you at the end of the day makes my heart happy <3 Here's to another semester of corndog eating and wine sipping and cliche movie bashing.

Charlotte & Leila: I'M SO GLAD WE'RE HALL NEIGHBORS LIKE I'M VERY HAPPY YOUR ROOM IS TWO FEET AWAY FROM OURS AND THAT WE CAN GO ON FUN MIDNIGHT ADVENTURES TOGETHER WE MUST DO THAT MORE OFTEN KAY THANKS LOVE YOU

Miles, Garret, Robin, & Sarah: I couldn't ask for a sweeter group of hallmates. You guys have my back, always.

Gabby: MOMMMMMM you are truly the best mom and I am convinced we are the best fellow group. Case closed.

Chloe: Hey thanks for being the coolest drama mentor EVER ;) I'm amazed at how you and I are so alike and how it's taken us this long to notice. I appreciate every moment I have with you, babe.

Linnea: You're a nut and I love you way more than eleven goat. More like eleven alpaca, cuz I feel like alpacas could kick a goat's ass.

The other Beats Suite members, Martin, Juliana, Ranza, Graham (& Jack): Thanks for letting me invade your space and for letting me love you unconditionally even though you sometimes have entire conversations with sounds and not real words and it makes me want to rip my head off :)

The Martins: Thanks for adopting me and for babysitting Saoirse and Soraya for me while I'm away <3

Evan: 'Sup loser. Thanks for picking me up from dates I don't want to be at and for bringing me food and watching drug-related shows with me and for not getting killed in Jiu-Jitsu.

Tessa: My dearest Tessa, you absolute goofball, I am so happy to know you and to be in your life. I look forward to so many more late-night chats and Saturday brunches. We'll have a grand old time.

Madison: Oh dear god, I couldn't be happier to know we're in Owls together at the same time in this universe. I couldn't bear missing a single one of your snarky remarks or witty banter. Keep unpacking, the world needs more of that.

Emma: Owls couldn't have ended up with a better pitch. You lead with such compassion and hard work and care. You help us all create seriously beautiful music and still manage to keep us laughing. We are all thankful for you, babe.

Sam: My darling Sammy, no one in this entire world has a heart bigger than yours. Whether you know it or not, you've brightened so many lives with your smile and your dino and your kind words. Please don't ever leave my life; I'd be lost without you.

Sabrina: Thank you for living your best, powerful life every second of every day. I have no doubt in my mind that you would do anything for any of your fellow owls—your loyalty is truly admirable. You are the living definition of Big Dick Energy. Also please connect me to the gay world I'm so scared kay thanks <3

Ariana: You are quite frankly (and I do not say this lightly) the FUNNIEST person I have ever met. Whether you mean to or not, your timing is always impeccable and I've had to stop myself from peeing at your jokes on several occasions. Also, you are so sweet and the Peace Corps are SO lucky to have you.

Maisha: First off, goddess. Second of all, marry me. Thirdly, you are truly one of the kindest, most genuine humans I have ever had the privilege of meeting. That, and you've got a voice of pure velvet. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Elena: You absolute ray of sunshine! How I've missed you! I am beyond thrilled to have you back next semester because that means we'll all get to experience your radiant aura and the joy it brings.

Helen: I am so proud of you. Truly, you've been through some shit and yet you continue to wake up each morning and absolutely glow. Can't wait to have you back in the nest :)

Alexa: Hey lovely! I know we haven't spent much time together yet but I am SO excited to get to know you better and sing sweet, sweet music with you!

Gracie: I aspire to one day be as carefree, self-assured and talented as you are. Thanks for being a goof and 100% yourself at all times. It does not go unappreciated.

Alexandra: Hi hello I'm quite convinced you are an ethereal being not remotely from this world and you're posing as a down to earth, incredibly kind, witty human with the voice of a folky forest nymph. PS: You were the greatest Secret Snowflake ever! ILY <3

Delila: Laugh all you want but I've always been in awe of how poised and graceful and effortlessly cool you seem in every single situation. Also, ohmygod you're so weird.

Cameron: If Stevie Nicks ever had a daughter, she'd be you. You absolutely blow me away.

Eloise: You wild Aussie, you. I'm so hyped I get to spend the next four years singing with you, love!

Derek: Another year with you as my friend :)

Luke, Kota, Ben & Jared: I've learned so much from you.

Paul O'Connor: I'm in love with you, didn't you know? But also, I'm sure your girlfriend is delightful so don't mind me.

Greta Thunberg: You are so powerful. Thank you for being the voice many others don't have.

Zendaya: We've been here before. Hi, I'm your future wife.

Hunter Schafer: My newest, queerest obsession. Everything about you. I love you so much.

Eva Noblezada: No one has ever drawn me in so quickly.

Lauren, Maria, Emma, TingTing, Darya, Gibi, Sarah, Grace, Mads, Erin, Chiara, Abby, Bekah, Jojo, & Caroline: My sweet angels of sleep, how I love you.

The Weinreichs: The things you've done for my family I could never repay.

Madrina: I could not afford my school books otherwise. I miss you all so very much.

Barbara: Thank you for keeping my head intact.

Titi: I see you everywhere. Thank you for not disappearing on me. Te quiero.

I am so blessed.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Turkey Day List #2

Hello my loves.

This list always proves difficult to write. Not because it's hard to come up with people I'm grateful for, but because it always ends with me getting rather emotional and... I dunno. Nostalgic, maybe? Either way, Thanksgiving posts have always been my favorite to write because I finally get to pay homage to the people and things that make everything infinitely better. I owe you my life.

Firstly to my angel, Titi Dorianny:

My dearest Titi... I dedicate the rest of my life to you. You are the single sweetest, funniest, smartest, humblest, most generous, most loving, most giving person I have ever known. That is no exaggeration. Though I'm still tortured by you leaving us so soon, your spirit survives in your husband's voice, in your son's eyes, in every latin song that comes on the radio; in knitted scarves and real smiles; galleticas de miel and blue skies. We will love you forever, as you have loved us. Te quiero, te adoro, te amo.

..........

Papi: It's always bizarre the moment you learn your parents aren't perfect. In this, though, I'm learning the act of forgiveness, and for that, I thank you. And for taking me in. And getting through this together.

Mami: I love you. I hope you always know that. I hope someday we can be closer again.

YD: You're pretty dope. This year you called me one of your best friends and I will never let you live that down. Love ya, pal.

Javi: So apparently this is the year you became taller than me or something??? Sounds fake but ok...

Tio John: You are such a vessel of strength and unconditional love. I admire you more than you know and I'm glad we will always be family <3

Natasha: It's really cool that we're both in New York now and our age gap doesn't matter as much haha You must be relieved you don't have to babysit me anymore (we all know how hyper I used to be) and instead we can enjoy deep talks and binging Netflix shows. Thanks for always being there.

Gaby: Oh Gaby... I freaking wish I could hug you. You astound me everyday with your resilience and brilliance. Truly. I've always said you'd be the next Einstein but now I'm thinking you'll be even more than that. You have such a beautiful soul and your parents have every reason to be proud.

Abuelo & Bianelly: Admiro tanto su amor. Espero algún día tener un amor así de fuerte.

Abuela: De verdad que te amo. Siempre lo haré.

Grandma & Grandpa: I miss you so much and I hope you guys are staying warm!

Tia Susan: I am purely convinced that you are my guardian angel.

Ali: Thank you for always being the sister I never had. I think our relationship is only gonna get better from here on out :)

Bob & Max: Regardless of whether you like having me around, y'all are such homies and I love youuuuu.

Suki: Muchachita de la porra I miss you so heckin much. Also, are you sure you're not part turkey?

Nutella: Niña bella, deja a la vieja tranquila XD

Cami: My dearest Cambria, can't wait to give you snuggles again ahhhhhhhh you're so fluffy I could die.

Luna: My darling creature, we haven't met yet but I'm your Tia and I LOVE YOU LIKE HECK.

Bernie & Phyllis: You little fuckers, I love you so much. Behave yourselves.

Future kitty: Hi there! Soy tu Mamá and I already love you with my whole heart! Stay warm until I get to hold you in my arms, yeah?

My exes: thank u, next :*

Pri: Chica, ven visítame porfaaaaaaa

Evan: Boiiiiiiiiiii, hello hi let's get ice cream and watch Narcos and go on a spooky scary midnight adventure and be besties again :)

Linnea: My love, I hope you know how much I love you with every fiber of my being. I would do anything for you and if someone hurts you, you best believe I will fuck. them. up. Now let's get together and take stunning pictures of each other <3

The Martins: If it wasn't already obvious, you guys are practically my second family and I love you to death and basically when can I move in?

The Night Owls: Your child misses you!!!

The Riders: You know how much you've done for me. I can never repay you.

Lauryn & Kelila: Hey babes, just wanted to say you're literally two of the bestest friends I've ever had and I live for our groupchat. I would do anything for either of you and I hope we get to see each other and be hoes together soon <3

Derek: It's sorta awesome having someone you've never met in person to count on. I gotchu fam.

Amanda: We vibe so hard together. I care about you immensely and your hugs are truly some of the best known to mankind.

Riley: You've grown so so so much from when I first met you and I can't even express how proud I am.You are going to do amazing things in this world, I know it.

Megan: My fave wife, please come visit me so we can have snuggles and excitement!!!

Soren: My precious child, holy heck am I proud of you. You better not forget about me when you're rich and famous and the most sought after celebrity of all time.

Julia: The Abbey can be tough but you are tougher. Even when you don't feel like it. Do not let it defeat you. I am here to support you always.

Caellum: I won't give up on you. No matter how many times you don't answer my damn texts, you fucker. Love you.

Emma: Babygirl, you were my first ever little sister and it pains me to even think that you're not so little anymore. You've grown so much and my heart aches to see you again. I love you I love you I love you.

Fonts: I think the fact that you've finally graduated college has automatically transitioned you into dad-hood and now you can't help but pick up the phone when I call at three in the morning :) You are seriously the best, thank you, I love you.

Mike, T & Thom: Forever and always my big brothers. I owe a lot to you.

Claire, Maeve & Sophia: Wish I could get us all together and have a ball. What a time that would be.

Aidan: Whoa whoa whoa I kinda really super duper like you, is that weird??? You're brilliant and kind and passionate and inspiring and hilarious and gorgeous so um can you stop being so perfect please? Thanks. Also, I miss you monkey.

Cast of Hadestown: Um so can you maybe leave a little talent to the rest of us please and thank you?

Emma Gonzalez: When I grow up, I wanna be just like you.

Dr. Ford: Your courage, eloquence and determination do not go unnoticed. Thank you.

Trevor Noah: Thank you for articulating such important issues and bringing them to the public. There's no place for them to hide anymore.

Michelle Obama: Please adopt me or become president or both?

All the Women Elected for Congress: LET'S FUCK IT UP LADIES

Frivvi, Maria & Emma: I owe countless restful nights to you three. What angels you are.

Alicia Keys: Always an icon. Always an inspiration.

Eddie Redmayne: You are a literal cinnamon roll. If you weren't 36 that'd be cool.

Zendaya: Marry me?

Donald Glover: You have my endless praise.

Lady Sybil: Please come back to life you were literally my favorite character and I aspire to be half the woman you were.

Tom Holland: I've already signed the adoption papers now pls come home

Barack Obama: I miss you.

Amandla Stenberg: Keep waking the people up like you do.

Noah Centineo: Hi so you don't know this yet but we're getting married and having like a thousand babies and they better all be like you I don't think I've ever crushed on anyone this fucking hard in a long ass time so pay up my dude

Willow Smith: You come from a long line of strong, brave women and you are no exception.

Billie Eilish: I can't even comprehend how someone so young already possesses the skill level that you do. Not only are you astronomically talented, but you have one of the most beautiful minds. I'm sorry it's tortured at times. I hope you make it out okay.

Ariana Grande: Woman of the Year is such an understatement. You deserve global recognition for your outstanding resilience in the past year. You crawled into hell and back and are STILL kickin'. Words can't even express how much I admire you.

Brockhampton: It's wild how fucking poetic y'all are. It's inspiring.

Lady Gaga: Perhaps the boldest most empowering woman I grew up admiring. Such talent and confidence and grace... I bow down to you, Lady.

Lin Manuel: You're still my babe :*

Bibi: Quite possibly the best I've ever had. Thank you for all that you do.

..........

How lucky am I to have so much to be thankful for?

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: It's currently way-too-fucking-late o'clock and I have a splitting headache so I need to go to bed but I love you cornflakes mucho mucho mucho :*

Turkey Day List #2

To all the beautiful creatures in my life, this is for you.

(Casually meant to post this a few days ago, oops, my bad)

..........

Mami & Papi: Thanks for teaching me that grown ups still have a lot of growing up to do.

YD & Javi: My precious bros, now and forever.

Suki: I'll see you soon, baby.

Grandma & Grandpa: Thanks for sending me an adorable card for every holiday season.

Abuelo y Abuela: Los quiero mucho. Gracias por toda su paciencia.

Lori & David: Without your care, I don't know where I'd be. I guess we're full circle now.

Titi Dorianny: You are the strongest person I know. Te quiero tantisimo <3

Tia Susan: You've been my savior this year, you really have.

Ali: Thanks for letting me invade your space, ily :*

Wilsons/Estrellas/Fishers: I know we don't all get along but we love each other just the same.

Kerrs/Doires/Martins: Thank you for always making me feel like a part of the family.

Pri: Chacha, eres mi numero 1. Sabes que te quiero ahora y siempre.

William: Words can't really begin to describe how thankful I am for you. Though our true origin story is somewhat laughable, what happened next was nothing less than magical. It's day 14 (but not like I'm counting) and you have made me feel more special than anyone else on this planet. It's still hard to believe you're real sometimes, but I guess I'll just have to get used to that. Thank you for your sweetness, your kindness and compassion, your loyalty, authenticity and support. Thank you for the phone calls that lasted more than five hours at a time. Thank you for your hugs, your kisses, and your spirit. Thank you for your Spotify playlists and for reading poetry to me. Thank you for the naps and the dance parties and all the fun in between. You are one of the kind, you are. Who knows where we'll take us, but I sure am having fun in the meantime <3

Michael, Natalia, Liam, Warren, & Jack: It's been so lovely meeting you and I cannot thank you enough for being apart of my William's life. I hope to see you all soon! (especially you, Natalia xx)

Fonts: You continue to be nothing but a constant source of happiness for me. Please make sure we make it to that seven year mark.

Mike: I love you, Sitka. Even though we've grown up and stuff doesn't mean I don't still need you.

Caellum: You worry me so much and yet parts of me believe we're two sides of the same coin. It'll be all right.

T: Hope you're doing swell, dad.

Thom: Thanks for being my first introduction to the world of magical substances. Your help was very much needed... *laughs hysterically whilst sweating*

Scotty P: Well now that I figured out you go to Middlebury, I guess I'm just gonna hafta visit ya soon, aren't I?

Claire: Girl, you keep slaying like you do. I've always looked up to you and you do not disappoint. Much love to you, babe <3

Emmalene: Hey, gorgeous. Thank you for making me smile even when you're down. You make it easy to be happy again.

Maeve: To be honest, I know neither of us talks all that much anymore but I am ECSTATIC for you and everything you do with your life. Yer a stunna.

Heather: Thank you for being a devoted blog reader, it means more than you know. Also thanks for listening to my endless nonsense rambles.

Sophia: Hello hi I'm still in love with you come adopt me sometime pls :*

Lauryn: Casually let me know when the cast list is out because I'm about to hop on that calendar and write the dates down, I have GOT to see you slay that stage. P.S: I love you so much, bby. You continue to be my crush <3

Kelila: You sweet creature, you. Thanks for all the smiles and the tears and the laughs. You deserve nothing but the best. Also, SCAD DON'T KNOW HOW LUCKY THEY JUST GOT, GO KILL 'EM.

Sarah: AHHHHH hello new best friend!!! Can't wait to turn up in Brooklyn with you! Sincerely, if y'all don't tie the knot, Imma be real upset. Jk jk no pressure but actually tho

Riley: I fuckin' love you, dude. I think about you every day. Go make the world a better place, you got this.

Megan: My better spouse, you are just so precious. I cannot imagine my life without you. I hope senior year isn't beating your ass like it did mine. I BELEAF IN YOU!

Emma: I know you're like a trillion feet taller than me now, but you're still my baby sister. Sophomore year sucks, and it will continue to suck, but the rest gets better. I promise. Your big sister loves you so very much. Thank you for being another reason not to die.

Amanda: Hey, I hope college hasn't stamped out your spirit, cuz babe, there's no one else like you.

Evan: Hey, loser. How's my best frand doin'? I miss you so much every single day and I casually might not ever give you your pants back :) jk I will it might just be a while ANYWHO, I kinda wanted to write you something that wasn't actually mean for once. You know. Something nice and wholesome. Don't worry, I'll go back to treating you like trash immediately after :) So. This is just to say you are hands down one of the BEST things that could have happened to me in my few short months at Vassar. Part of me feels like you're my long lost twin (which would explain why we treat each other like trash but also care about each other a whole lot lot lot). I dunno, dude, I miss our long walks and our trips to the Deece and walking back to Cushing while throwing shade at Noyes and I miss making fun of your tomato hands and I miss binging Narcos with you and Stranger Things and dropping classes every other day. I miss our fight club and our long chats in the basement and doing laundry and just idk existing in the same space. You mean more to me than you know. I know this all might just sound like sappy shit to you but I mean it. I love you, ya stinkin' banana. So much. Please don't forget about me while I'm gone. Okay. I'm done. Hope you had a fab Thanksgiving, fucker :)

Linnea: Hello, love. Can I just point out that you are the best roommate I've ever had? I know you probably don't believe me but guuuuuuuurl, I've seen some shit XD Anyway, this is just me telling you everything I've already said before—Linnea, my love, you are so beautiful, and so talented, and so fucking kind. Like I don't even think you understand. Your hugs and your smiles and your forehead kisses and your post its and your text messages and your radiance would just make my day. Thank you for all those times we stayed up late ordering Bacio's and watching Disney movies or Full House. Thank you for all the times you reminded me I needed to pee. Thank you for your Heath Bars on bad days and dance parties on good days. Thank you for dealing with all my crazy and all my emotional reck-ness. Thank you for unintentional twinning and for teaching me to do my eyebrows and for not judging me for my lack of clothing at all times. Thank you for stealing food from the Deece with me and for rants about pretty boys. You mean the world to me, darling. I cannot WAIT to see you again. You are such a shining star, and you better believe it. No one shines quite as brightly as you. I love you I love you I love you <3

Juliana: Mi amorrrrrrr, te extraño tanto!!! I can't wait to go back and just dance the night away with you again. For real though, you make everything more fun. You gotta teach me Portuguese sometime! Take care of Samira while I'm gone, she worries me sometimes XD

Prat: My duuuuude, I'm sorry we never quite got around to seeing each other as much as we wanted to but props for being one of my first friends at Vassar. I miss your hugs and our drunken endeavors. We gotta catch up on that next year, yeah?

Githu: Casually had a crush on you like the first week of school, oops? Hahaha no but for real though, you're drop dead gorgeous and you deserve to know that. Also I wish we saw each other more because whenever we hung out, it was a good time. Much love!!!

Moe: It looks like Cushing is going to see you around more than me now, huh?

Pedro: Keep doing your thing, dude. It's rad.

Anthony: Mijo, espero que te estes cuidando bien, ah? Cuando vuelva, tenemos que comenzar esas cenas españolas, okay?

Sergio: Esa noche que bailamos juntos fue un verdadero éxito. Aunque de verdad no ayudó que me acababa de tomar tres shots de tequila...

Ethan: Wow wow wow #1 best stufel EVER. Like, you have no idea how helpful you've been in the time that I spent at Vassar. I couldn't have done it without you.

The Night Owls-- I LOVE YOU (OWL) ALL!

Lily: Not gonna lie, was casually intimidated by you during auditions and callbacks but then learned how wacky and darling you were and fell absolutely in love!

Chiara: You are such a stunna. Like WOW I forget to sing my part whenever you're soloing because I lowkey become mesmerized at how talented you are but oh whaleeeee!

Imani: Thank you coming up to me at the activities fair and for asking me if I liked to sing. That's lowkey how I got it all started... I could never repay you for that <3

Bailey: Thank you for being my rock as I struggled through a helluva tough decision. Your help was so so so appreciated.

Jacqui: MAMA!!! I miss our mutual geekiness over superheroes and our sectionals and literally any time ever spent with you. I look up to you so so so much.

Haley: Sorta loved you from the first moment you opened your mouth. What can I say? That first impression did not lie.

Zoe: I will never forget the first time I heard you sing Trickle. My jaw literally dropped. You amaze me.

Olivia: I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T MET YOU YET, MAMA, BUT I CAN'T WAIT TO!

Emma: 5'2 CLUB! I feel like we have very similar souls and I am so thankful for your good vibes and good advice <3

Sam: You sometimes make me cry with how genuine you are. No lie, your hugs and authenticity give me life. And Hayden Elizabeth the Dinosaur, too.

Ariana: HEY THANKS FOR BEING MY QUEER CHAPERONE! IT WAS LIT!

Sab: That one mug night with you made me learn so much and I can't remember having a more entertaining time xx

Maisha: My darling Maisha, seeing your face in rehearsal was like saying hello to the sun.

Helen: My sweet Helen, your work snapchats were hella relatable and I lowkey miss them so much.

Elena: My dear Elena, your elegance and goofiness can be described as nothing more than high art.

The cast of Spring Awakening: To be completely honest, I'd wanted to be a part of this show since I was twelve years old. Even though I didn't end up being onstage with you, it meant the world to at least be chosen to be a part of it in the first place. Much love. (Also I'm expecting to see a recording soon please and thank you)

Las niñas de Cayacoa: No podría amar lo que estoy haciendo si no fuera por ustedes. Las quiero. Cuidanse bien, oyeron?

Barbara: Holy wow, I have never actually found someone who worked and well, you worked and so I'm sort of amazed. Wow wow wow good job universe for pairing us together and all :)

Aaron Tveit: What a beautiful man you are wow let's get married thank you

Ben Platt: So if I could have your babies, that would be nice. I just need them to sing. Jk jk thank you for showing me what performance is all about. Thank you for reminding me why I want to make it my profession.

Zoella: Once again, you never fail to make me smile. You've always been there, from the very beginning :)

Me: You've made it this far. I dare you to live a little longer.

..........

And those are just a few of the big ones.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

College???

Wow it's been a while.

I know I meant to keep you updated but I sort of completely forgot because, well, college is hella busy.

Anyhow, I write to you from my current workstudy job as an office assistant (I literally do nothing but get paid for doing my homework, it's kinda great). Should I give you a rundown of the past three weeks? Yes? No? Oh whale, you're getting it anyway, enjoy :)

I moved into my lovely Hogwarts-esque home on August 17th, 2017. The day was blazing hot and busy and overwhelming and a mixture of emotions. I cried when leaving my dad and about a lot of other things but like it's chill I'm fine we're fine everything's fine.

International Orientation was SO BUSY but I loved practically every second of it. That's where I met many of my current friends, among them my Brazilian babe Juliana, our know-it-all Lebanese Honest Wipes Moe, Samira my Bengali cutie, Prat my Indian flower boy, my Singaporean goddess Githu, and Sara my Indian wife/lover. Needless to say, we had a lot of fun together (including our totally illegal party at the TAs in which I may have gotten excessively drunk but shh)

About five days later, the Americans came and not gonna lie, it felt like a fucking invasion. The good news is I finally got to see my lovely bubbly roomie, Linnea <3 (big props to you, my love, I flipping adore you and I can't wait to watch Newsies and make friendship bracelets with you tonight)

Regular orientation was, well, the opposite of fun. Far too packed and busy and excessive and redundant and overwhelming and no me gustó. (I skipped like 70% of the events because they were ew) The upside is I made a few new friends, among them Levi, who I can't describe as anything other than a literal cartoon character with the purest heart I've ever known; Pedro, a crazy combo of Brazil and Tennessee, Michael Gibb and Jon Snow; Anthony, a bleach blonde sass queen from Philly with some common Dominican roots and a music taste to die for; and finally Erica, my adorable Asian American pop punk pixie. I also met my current bitch (jk, I mean best friend), Evan. He likes to think he's Canadian but he's not. I mean, we became friends by mutually laughing over a loud ice machine so, I think I'm doing pretty well for myself XD Ethan, my student fellow (or as all you other plebs call it, RA) is essentially a 40-year-old man in the body of a 19-year-old and is a literal dad and has made my life infinitely easier and for that I couldn't be any more grateful.

In terms of classes, my favorite has gotta be Elementary Italian (we just sing and play games and watch funny videos and it's great.) My freshman seminar Greek Tragedy for Trauma is intense and covers a lot of intense topics but we have really incredible discussions so that's cool. Intro to Psych is exactly what you'd expect, fascinating but a lot of work. I haven't begun my music or education courses yet but I'm super excited to because the professors are supposed to be legends :)

Let's see, what else?

Oh! Well, a cappella auditions are today and tomorrow so I'm casually trying not to die from nerves :)

..........

WOW WOW WOW OKAY COOL THAT WAS ALL WRITTEN LIKE A MILLION YEARS AGO MY BAD LET'S MOVE ON

Soooooo update:

I had a meltdown the night before last and therefore skipped class because I was super sad because depression does that sometimes (thankyouthankyouthankyouevan youareincredible) but I STILL WENT TO WORK BECAUSE I AM A RESPONSIBLE ADULT.

After that, I shuffled my way through two a cappella auditions, the Vastards and the Night Owls, both of which I'd like to think went swimmingly. Feeling exhausted but jittery and slightly bored, Evan and I both went for a walk through the woods in the deadass of night and I kid you not, I could feel a thousand ticks crawling all over me. I hate bugs. So much.

Theeeen we came back to our humble abode, Cushing House, and decided it would be a wonderful idea to watch The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe <3 I can't tell you how sleepy I was after that (I think I fell asleep during the last twenty minutes—eating sour skittles does that to you.) It was all somewhat of a blur, I don't really know. The couch was comfy and I had stolen the entire blanket :)

This morning, I woke up around 11:30ish, realized I had an audition in exactly an hour, booked it to the basement in order to do my laundry, ran back upstairs to change into decent human being clothes, ran through my song a couple times, raced back downstairs to throw my laundry in the dryer before dashing all the way to Main for my audition.

Luckily, this was the group my student fellow, Ethan, was in. So right before I went in, he came out and gave me a hug and gave me the usual pep talk. In I walked and the group of hilariously awkward and amazing humans beamed at me while I shuffled back and forth. I think it went well.

Seeing as I hadn't eaten anything at this point, I hit up our dining hall (affectionately known as the Deece) to eat a total of three melon slices and a really sad banana. I sat with Evan, Levi, and these other girls Abby and Eva. Minutes later, I noticed I was running late for my Devils audition (lowkey my most important one) and so I ran the fuck outta that building only to leave my poor loving water bottle behind dun dun dunnnnnnnn

No worries, though. I called up my main bitch and asked him to bring it to me, which he very kindly did (I didn't realize until afterwards that he ran all the way to Rocky—where my audition was happening—just so I could have my water before my audition.)

I know I give you shit, dude, but you're a gem :)

Let's just say that audition was nerve-wracking as all heck but I kind of had an amazing time??? Anywho, I did one more audition for a group called BAM! before Evan and I had to walk back to the Deece just so I could get real food this time. The time in between is kinda faded to me at the moment but I think we walked back to Cushing so we could catch up on homework (until Evan proceeded to have an existential crisis but oh whale he's fine now).

Bla bla bla time passes, I take excessive notes for my Intro Psych class, Evan bitches about his freshman seminar that he desperately wants to drop, and then I check my email and I get a callback.

And then another one.

And another one.

And another.

Until I get emails back from all five groups I auditioned for and could not feel any happier :)

So it looks like I have many callback thingys to attend tomorrow and I'll know which groups have officially accepted me by tomorrow night! Much excite.

Other interesting things that have happened in no particular order:

Some kid on my hall has a bird named Harpo that he takes with him everywhere and he's kind of really popular.

I've had dangerously painful laugh attacks just about every single day I've been here and I don't know how to feel about it.

I had to deal with an extremely not fun stalking situation but not to worry, it is dealt with and I am safe and okay and I had incredible friends to help me through it <3

I haven't broken out the pajamas-to-class look yet so GO MAYA!

I licked a battery. Odds is not a fun game.

My best drunken conversation occurred lying atop a bridge.

I trespassed a nursery school after hours to get into their playground.

I FINALLY PUT MY MATTRESS TOPPER UNDER MY COVERS IT WAS DRIVING ME CRAZY

Someone in Main dorm pooped their pants and left it in the shower to rot.

We had our first shower sex scandal of the year on the second floor.

Late night ice cream is the best ice cream.

I did many adult things like filling out documents and federal forms and stuff and I am proud of myself :)

I wrote words of encouragement on random white boards in the science building because it's all about spreading the love my dudes <3

The a cappella showcase gave me goosebumps it was so exciting ahhhhhhhhhh

I've seen so many deer and chipmunks and squirrels and dogs and birds and groundhogs here and I feel like a Disney princess *insert heart eyes*

I've gotten paper cuts on far too many occasions and it's pissing me off.

Aaaaaaaand I can't quite think of anything else currently so I'll get back to you if anything insane happens.

All in all, I flipping love this place, even though I'm just starting to get accustomed to it. I truly believe I made the right choice. At least for now. We'll see.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

My Friends and the Hundreds of Millions of Things That They Are

Hello loves. I was doing a bit of tumblring the other day when I happened upon something quite interesting and this, right here, my dears, is my attempt at recreating that.

Please don't take offense, just know that every one of these things is what makes me love you even more <3

..........

Claire: nineteen, goldilocks 'til the day she dies, red lipstick and waterproof mascara, films everything her friends do because my god she loves them, blogposts and dark chocolate, bandanas and shades on-the-go, band-T's and pointe shoes, eats trail mix by the pound, chipped nail polish, a smile that makes her eyes crease like sun-rays, car keys and sunscreen, loud music or no music, pancakes and OJ, proud Ravenclaw, Stitchers and T-swizzle, too much perfume and unabashed cackling, no one loves more fiercely than she.

Fonts: twenty-one, begins most sentences with a pun, beer cans and flip-flops, life of the party or first one to crash, bass amps and drunken texts, light hazing and hidden compliments, pocket poetry and solid ground, old music and sage advice, glazed eyes and wide smiles, thoughts that expand beyond the universe, engages in many a poke battle, polo shirts and Bermuda shorts, relentless, Bruce Springsteen and ping-pong, loud singing and wholesome memes, unafraid of dropping everything for the ones he loves.

Mike: twenty, prickly stubble and bone-crushing hugs, goofy smiles and 3/4 socks, dad glasses and drumsticks, honesty and lack of grace, undecipherable texts and American chop suey, the calm after the storm (but sometimes also the storm), Brother Bear and a desire to be needed, pinky promises and Buffalo pizza, impulsive and stupid and an absolute goon, Star Wars and Lord of the Rings, pats on the back and words of encouragement, protective to a fault, Dunkin' Donuts and tired eyes, will always forgive and welcome you back.

Caellum: nineteen, a mess of curls and a jumpy personality, drives too fast, plays too loud, calloused hands and muscle-T's, Shakespeare extraordinaire, color-changing eyes and itty bitty handwriting, microphones and videogames and headphones that don't fit, brooding in shadows and existentialist thoughts, miles of legs with nowhere to go, ice cream and sarcasm, tea leaves and liquor, unfinished poetry and skinny jeans, beanies and irony, weed and cologne, fingerless gloves and Sherlock quotes, Disney movies and warm blankets, loves too deeply, falls too quickly, a force to be reckoned with.

Amanda: seventeen, angels and demons, ukulele strings, snapbacks and leather jackets, bugspray and cigarettes, drunk texts and watchful eyes, rollercoasters and hand-holding, Lauren Jauregui and skin-tight jeans, a mix of perfume and cologne, sly smirks and ringed fingers, hair like a black cascade, sketches and journals and soul sealed shut, danger and risk but excitement, Netflix and whispers in the dark, wears confidence like a cape, literal child and puppy-lover, nightmares and after-cuddles, crucifixes and hockey sticks, sunflower seeds and tough love, a knowing spirit with a knowing heart.

Tom: twenty, wild red mane and height of a tree, high-pitched giggles and shiny guitars, head-banging while lip-synching your favorite songs, all real and there and present, brilliant at one-too-many things, guitar picks and tuners and cool toys, munchies for days, laughter that rattles your soul, eyes that live only in the right now, resident ginger and cheerer upper, John Mayer and unfinished lyrics, mac 'n cheese and Mountain Dew, heart of a lion and drive of a motor engine, never have I ever met a more generous soul.

Sophia: nineteen, basketball hoops and keyboards, laughter that can light up an entire room, no bullshit and no bounds, Adidas and crops tops, mono and cough drops, bouncy black curls and nose rings, jam sessions and inside jokes, ziplock bags filled with NyQuil, lights fireworks as she speaks, heart and soul and no holding back, voice like melted chocolate, secret sororities and med-school lingo, cocoa butter and lactose intolerance, late night chats under magical skies, airplane buddies and mutual hatred, the Angelica to my Eliza, lives every day like her last, consider yourself blessed to be her friend.

Lauryn: sixteen, loud jokes and snide remarks, tight braids and big doe-eyes, musicals and rap battles, pineapples and EpiPens, bra-flinger and tickling extraordinaire, 10/10 will fight you, fanfiction and One Direction, uneven tans and Mexican jokes, talent for making anything sexual, insults those she loves most, Jeff and memes and Capri Suns, an explosion that cannot be contained, hot sauce and banter and booty, stubborn and unflinching, will screenshot anything to blackmail you, butt grabs and raspberry chocolate, 1000% under-appreciated and the whole world needs to know what a wonder she is.

Kelila: seventeen, gentle eyes and flashing teeth, cherry allergies and Dr. Pepper, loudest at the table and quietest in her head, all purple and soft and aching, horses and ice-chewing and violas, converse and rainbows, poetry etched into the corners of notebooks, can always tell when something is wrong, sour gummies and insomnia and clumsiness, injuries and sweet tooths, loud sneezes and cold hands, indecisive, unpredictable, fuzzy and caring and warm, brilliant, hysterical and capable, small lil daisy waiting to bloom.

Riley: sixteen, vanilla and baby powder, mixtapes and distracks, laughs too loud and smiles too big, platonic kisses and baggy T-shirts, polar and extreme, selfies and finsta posts, gummy bears and no filters, hockey sticks and tight dresses, chokers and smiling eyes and too-honest remarks, strawberry blonde and extra butter, glitter eyeliner and softball gloves, a gaze like staring into a galaxy, voice trembling with vibrato, can't help how she feels, tries her damned hardest, all aboard the Angst Express, eyelashes that never stop growing, messy buns and leggings and a desire to be loved.

Megan: seventeen, tangled hair and hot chocolate, long lashes and turtlenecks, excited squeals from miles away, hidden hickeys and homemade nachos, marshmallow-soft hugs and dance parties, shopping buddy and fellow dickphobe, unable to say no, fleece sweatshirts and peppermint, big spoon and hums of approval, Better Spouse with freaky feet, Harry Potter and John Green, leg warmers and organized chaos, mismatched socks and wooly mittens, all of the beauty and all of the charm, will kiss you on the forehead and gift you chestnuts for good luck, basically the purest human I know.

Emma: fifteen, blue eyes like a crystal sea, unknowing of what she wants, eccentric vegetarian, Dutch braids and no grace, Play-Do and Snapchat filters, can't dance and can't be left alone, Mario Kart and fuzzy socks, blue veins and pink cheeks, will travel great distances to keep you fed, mind ablaze with a thousand thoughts per minute, juice boxes and MiniWheats, contagious laughter and made-up songs, one second she loves you and the next—watch out, avoids confrontation, Stitch and bracelets and pockets of sunshine, boybands and playfights and unconditional love, tends to view life through a catastrophic lens, sizzles and pops and just wants to be good enough, my precious child.

..........

So there you have it. Accurate or way off? You let me know ;)

Missing you all a bunch and a half!

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

All the Important Words

The thing about writing important words is at first, no matter what, they're gonna sound like crap. And for a while now, I've been sitting here thinking of important words and the various forms they could be rearranged so they sound like something real but I guess sometimes the important stuff is just gonna sound like crap anyway. Am I making any sense? Oh, bother.

I guess my point is I'm sat here on my bed in a Vassar V-neck and it's 86 degrees outside and I've got second degree burns on my arms and legs from river rafting and I've been up for a consecutive twelve hours trying to finish a book and my owl glasses are on and my face is a mess but I pulled myself together enough so I could sit here and try to write important words.

See, I just finished reading Jennifer Niven's All the Bright Places and without spoiling anything, I can tell you that novel takes you on one heck of a ride. I speak as a teenager. I speak as a seventeen-year-old girl who knows what it's like to love someone so very much and lose them anyhow. I speak as someone who has been there, on every single side of the equation. Listen, recent events in my own life may have allowed for this book to dig a deeper hole in my heart than perhaps it may have if everything had been all right.

My parents are recently divorced.

My very good friend took her own life.

I split with my longterm boy/best friend.

The dark is creeping its way back in and my country is on the brink of revolution.

And yet I am grateful. You see, if anything, All the Bright Places has made me feel more Awake than ever. If you ever read the book (which I highly recommend you do), you'll know what that means. It's just... It's filled with important words—things that need to be said. About adolescence, about mental illness, about friendships, relationships, people, life. We're all just people trying to understand one another and sometimes we think we speak the same language when really, we should be paying more attention to our dialect.

I don't know if that made sense.

In any case, I was in the kitchen a couple of minutes ago, sleep deprived and eating a shitty apple, when suddenly I wanted nothing more than to shout all the important words—loud enough for all the important people to hear.

I love you. More than anything.

Don't leave me.

Please.

I wanted to beg but then the important people would have been alarmed and thought I'd gone insane.

But maybe I am.

Maybe we're all insane and we're all just trying to get by as quickly and quietly and unnoticed as possible?

I'm hungry again. The apple was spoiled, anyway.

I look up at the mirror on my wall and I quite literally feel as though I've aged in the past twelve hours. I can't begin to explain... Just... Like it's just finally there was someone in the world who knew. She knew, and she grabbed the important words and arranged them perfectly and wrote them down and now they're out in the world.

Sue me for having a marshmallow heart, it came with the package.

I need to get my mind off this book, off the fatigue, off the feverish sunburn, so I open my closet and rummage for nail polish.

Only I just remembered I'm shit at painting nails.

My arms look puffy. I think they're swollen from the burn.

I sometimes think my thoughts are much like an angry sunburn: light and near unnoticeable at first, but building in color, building in rage as time goes on; painful and red and stubborn and unflinching when pulled; stinging and burning and seething when touched.

I stand up and feel the skin pull taut around my knees, like rubbery leather. Those for sure will leave an ugly tan.

I wish I could make all these thoughts more cohesive. I'm not really sure which direction I'm going in anymore.

But none of us do.

It's all a mystery and who knows, maybe that's the best part.

I tried to take a nap but all I could think of were Luc and Rosie.

And then all the people who were taken too soon.

What if Matt hadn't fallen asleep and what if Genji had worn a seatbelt and what if Ben hadn't been drinking that night and what if Luc had warned someone and what if someone had just known about Rosie, what if...?

I miss them all so much it hurts.

I dreamt of Rosie and of Luc and just pictured myself hugging them and apologizing over and over and over, tears streaming down my face and they just looked down at me and smiled and patted my head and didn't say a word.

But they were right there. Right in front of me and I couldn't do a damn thing to save them now.

It just didn't seem real. None of it seems real. It's been months and months and none of it seems real.

I suspect it's the sort of pain one doesn't ever really get over, just learns to cope with.

To all my important people:

Know that you are loved. You are so loved and like it or not, you are a part of every single person you've met. You have changed them and become a part of their story and goodness gracious, they would not be where they are today if it weren't for you.

Know that you are needed. I need you. Holy fuck, do I need you. Don't you dare leave me. Not anytime soon.

Know that time will heal. I sound like a right hypocrite because I'm guilty of tricking myself into believing none of it will ever be okay again. But that's simply not true. You've got to believe that someday, you will be okay again. Things will be okay again. And if it's not okay, it's not the end.

I suspect my train of thought has dragged you all over the place by now. I'm sorry.

My mind is a messy place, but you already knew that.

I'm hungry. I should probably go do something about that.

Take care of yourselves, please. Treat yourself like you would a small child.

I love you.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Turkey Day List #2

(Just so y'all know, I meant to post this two entire days ago but I'm a lil shit so I didn't)

HIYA MY LOVES <3

On such a lovely bubbly day, I'd like to give my infinite thanks to all the individuals I'm blessed to have in my life. Hold onto your socks cuz this might take a while...

Mami: I know we don't always understand each other but I cannot thank you enough for trying. I love you so so so much and that will never ever change.

Papi: I can't wait to binge watch Gilmore Girls with you over Christmas break :) Thank you for always reminding me to be kind to myself. Please take your own advice once in a while, yeah? I love you to infinity and beyond. I'm sending you hugs.

YD: You're an asshole. But you travel with me and you occasionally try and make sure that I'm okay. Thanks for coming to most of my shows and stuff. It's somewhat appreciated :P I love you and stuff, I guess. *proceeds to push you into a river*

Javi: Please don't get any taller. I'll miss using you as an arm rest cuz currently you're the only person shorter than me, so... I'm sorry I haven't spoken to you in almost two months but please know I love you so so so much and your big sister will always be here to kick the crap out of anyone who dares get in your way.

Suki: You little chicken nugget, you. I miss you more than your tiny brain could ever comprehend.

Future Puppy: Baby, I cannot wait to pick you out and hold you and cuddle you and love you and care for you and goodness gracious, I want you now. Conor says I should name you Genji or Luna. We'll see how that goes ;)

Wilsons/Estrellas/Fishers: You guys give me so much life. You're a wacky group of misfits and I am so honored to be related to you all.

Kerrs: You guys are the real MVPs. Thank you for all that you do for me.

Doires: I can't wait to be back in my room again :3 After all, I am the better daughter (jk jk Claire, please don't kill me, you know I love you).

Brennans: I don't see you enough. I sincerely hope you stay in our lives for a very long time.

Pri: Mujer, ojala pudiera llevarte a UNI conmigo. De verdad que quisiera. Pero ni modo, solo Dios sabe donde quedaremos y espero que nunca te vayas tan lejos. Te necesito <3

CJS: You crazy human, you. You make all my days infinitely more bearable and you make me laugh harder than anyone I know. You've seen me at my worst and at my best. You've kissed me while I was snot-ridden and while I had about five pounds of stage makeup on. You've hugged me in the snow and in the rain. You've held my hand regardless of the season and I am beyond grateful for all the joy and light you bring to my life. I miss our random road trips and walks through the woods and movie marathons and impromptu dinner dates. It's been a fantastic almost two years. I love you, I really do.

Fonts: I know you're not one for sappy words and all that but I think you know how much you mean to me. You're an absolute nuisance but I love you just the same. Please come home soon <3

Claire: Oh, Claire bear, it's been rough with you gone. I know I've been managing and things are mostly okay but if I could have it my way, I'd still have you here with me, jamming to Hamilton in the car and taking long trips to Stop 'n' Shop. If I could, I'd freeze Claire and Maya Week 2k15 and loop it til the end of time. I'd have us sitting on your couch, watching the Tony Awards and singing Frozen songs at the top of our lungs. I'd have us making pancakes and eating popcorn and scrolling through Tumblr while looking at pretty people. If I could, we'd be snuggled up watching Disney movies with hot cocoa or otherwise booking it to the beach with a speaker and five tons of Capri Sun. I miss you so much but I know you're having a blast at college. Please don't you ever forget about me. I'd be lost without you.

Mike: Gosh, where has the time gone? I feel like just yesterday you were helping me out with my problems but oh, how the tables have turned XD I love you, dude. You do some dumb shit. But I still love you. And I'll support you no matter what. I am always here. Even when I'm holding a grudge. I am always here.

Caellum: It wouldn't kill ya to answer a text once in a blue moon, asshole :P Nah, but in all seriousness I understand how life gets. It's messy and uncoordinated and annoying and exhausting and you have your priorities and I completely understand. That being said, I believe in you. I know things gets shitty sometimes, but goddamn do I believe in you. Please don't you ever forget that.

Shelby: Just because we don't always have the time to talk as much as we used to doesn't mean I'm not always thinking of you. I am so blessed to have you in my life because you are such a lovely, wonderful, caring soul and I would not have it any other way. You give me incentive to get up every morning and I still find it so hard to believe that I've only seen you in person a handful of times, yet I feel like I've known you my entire life. I don't mean to sound redundant but it's true. I cannot picture my life without you and I seriously hope I continue to be a part of your life for a very, very long time. Here's to the next time I get to koala you.

Tiernan: Come back to the East Coast, bitch <3

Sophia: If you decided to start a cult, I'd join it. Like, no lie, you are a Goddess in my eyes. I look up to you so much (no pressure) and every time I second guess myself, I imagine you cheering me on. You just ooze encouragement and good vibes and I think we all need more of that in our lives. Please don't forget about me when we get older. You mean too much to me. You inspire me now and forever.

Maeve: I know we don't talk as much anymore, but trust me, I don't think of you any less. I'm constantly stalking your Insta and Snapchat for pics of Luna and Scout because, well... that's self-explanatory. I miss you so much and I cannot wait to hang out and snuggle you because you may give some of the best snuggles on this planet. I love you!!!

Emma: My gorgeous little sister, I am SO glad I got to be there to witness your first year of high school. Having you in my drama class is beyond fun and no offense to everyone else but you're my favorite <3 It's been such a privilege to watch you grow up and I hope I get to stick around in your life long enough to witness the rest. Keep doing you, boo.

Scotty P: Oh, Scott, I could not live without your hugs. Thanks for providing an endless supply and for being a diva and for introducing me to Boris and Simon and for being my new Claire and for driving us to Dunkin' and Chipotle even though you hate us :) Much love, bro.

Megan: WIFE!!! I live for our communal naps and for your glorious hugs. Thank you for going shopping with me and making sure I'm never lonely. You know I have your back and I know you have mine. If I'm ever sad, I just think of you and you make me smile. You best believe I'm gonna Facetime you whenever I can while I'm at college. Get ready cuz it's gonna be lit.

Amanda: You're weird as fuck but thank you for giving me cuddles and for loving me unconditionally and for introducing me to Riley. Kudos for that ;) Oh! And for all the Fifth Harmony spam. And for sending me pics of boobs when I'm sad. BISEXUALS REPRESENT.

Riley: MY BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY thank you for existing. Every time I see you, you make my day instantly better. Thank you for being my big little sister (and practically my mom sometimes). You make my heart smile. BISEXUALS REPRESENT.

Emmalene: It's been four years and I still consider you my magical fairy godmother. It started with just makeup but it's grown into more than that—having you in classes and activities with me over the years has made me addicted to your contagious laugh and always seeking out your hugs and smiles. You are one extraordinary cookie and I am so proud to have you as my friend. Keep dazzling the world with your brilliance ;)

Hannah Banana: BAE!!! As always, I miss my favorite roomie more than ever because my single gets lonely sometimes but I know you always have my back. Your sass gives me life. Thank you for enduring all the Precal with me. I don't know what I'd do without you.

Lucia: Honestly, I have a HUGE friend crush on you, is that bad?

Amber: Tbh, you're like really mean to me sometimes but I don't mind because I know your evil soul can't help it :) I seriously wish we were in the same dorm just so I could see your beautiful face everyday but alas, we can't always get what we want. I better be in your senior page :3

Alasdaire: Okay, real talk, you may be one of the most beautiful human beings I have ever laid eyes on. And that's coming from my super gay side. That being said, you are so sweet to me, sometimes I feel like I don't even deserve your kindness. I could not survive Euro without you, so thank you.

Grace B: I said it freshman year and I stand by it now, you have to be one of the most entertaining people I have ever met. Your constant IDGAF syndrome makes life feel more okay. I could listen to your nerdy biology talks for hours and anyone who dares underestimate your intelligence is a dildo. Please don't ever change.

MegMeg: Thank you for being so kind and for enduring all of Bray Bray's crazy with me. No one will understand the pain like you and me do. Besides, we're kinda the same person, aren't we? XD

Mark: It was an honor acting beside you this fall. You made a lovely husband <3

Young Thuggin': Addison, the day something normal comes out of your mouth will be the day the world turns upside down. Please continue enjoying your communist pizza til the end of time.

Sozanski: You little adorable piece of nerd UGH. As annoying as your know-it-all tendencies may be sometimes, I think we all appreciate the fact that you're literally a walking Encyclopedia. You've grown a lot in the past year but please know I consider you my lil baby child, okay?

Annie: You are kind of bizarre but I couldn't have asked for a better daughter (sorry Amanda). Continue doing your little adorable fairy thing. It suits you.

Marcel: As hard as you try, I'm never gonna date you but I appreciate your determination. Also, watching you try to make Conor jealous is kinda hilarious...

Mr. McCarthy: You seriously do not give a shit, do you? I don't think I could ever ask for a better advisor. Thank you for being a real homie.

Mrs. Bonin: Please don't hate me for not doing my last assignment :) I still love you.

Dr. Bonin: I AM BEGGING YOU PLEASE MAKE SURE I GET INTO COLLEGE PLEASEEE

Ms. Smith: As always, thanks for letting me date your son :) That being said, it's so much fun when we gang up on him (even tho he hates it) and thank you SO much for your infinite generosity. Btw, you're an excellent cook!

Eddie Redmayne: You are SUCH A DUCKING CINNAMON ROLL I COULD EAT YOU UP.

J.K. Rowling: Someday, I hope to be just like you.

Zoe Sugg and Tyler Oakley: As always, thank you for bringing levity to dire situations.

Cinnamon: You precious little kitty cat, I adore you.

Bernie Sanders: It should've been you <3

Mis angeles: No me abandonen, por favor.

Dios mio: Dame fuerza. Dame esperanza. Te necesito, Señor. Dame fe.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Omniscient

Hello lovelies. Those of you who know me have known for quite some time that I keep a list of quotes on me always. You say some funny shit—I write it down. That's how that works.

Now, I will say I planned on waiting 'til the end of my senior year to post this, but I'm a tad bit impatient and I've already waited a good, long two and a half years so now's as good a time as ever. Another thing I should probably mention is a lot of these won't make sense unless you know the person saying it. Since it's impossible to expect all my readers to know each other, I've decided to exclude names from this post. That reason and also just so no one gets accidentally offended or in trouble :)

Look at me being all responsible.

Last disclaimer before I let you loose: some of these were said by me, others (possibly and most probably the more offensive ones) were said by my dearest friends and companions, so if you are easily offended, I suggest you leave now.

If you are easily amused, by all means, stay. Stay a while and see how long it takes before confusion consumes you :)

Onwards.

..........

"Love is when you care for someone even though they suck."

"Good for you, Maya. It takes balls to be hated that much."

"Baby steps but NO BABIES!!!"

"What kind of a name is Allcock? That's like saying my last name is Allpussy!"

"They hate us cuz they ain't us."
"They hate us cuz they butthole?"

"In a world filled with darkness, disco is the light."

"Sozanski, what is the number one difference between you and successful people? Your hair."

"Listen, Sozanski, your hair has to GLISTEN! Everyone knows redheads have more fun."

"Stupid ass gurl, if I wanted some milk I woulda gone to the kitchen!"

"I love you with my entire soup."

"Duck is literally just dirty chicken."

"I don't think they actually thought I was dead..."

"Yeah Anny, get with the lesbian fucking times."

"Look at the people, they hide in plane sight, u gotta find the overalls through the over-somes."

"Wow I wish people cheered for me just for existing."

"Sozanski, you're not a squirrel!!"

"I can find my own porn!"

"Anny, I'm warning you right now, if I hear your voice one more time, I'm kicking you out of this dorm and my life."

"Bite me."
"Nah, you probs taste like tree bark."

"You can't half ass that, you gotta full ass that."

"I know, but who the fuck cares what I think? I always think I'm the shit."

"Everybody's got a dick...in here."
*points to heart*

"There needs to be more jiggle."

"Change my watuh muthafucka."

"MY UTERUS IS BEING A DICK."

"Don't like grope the heart."

"She looks like the green goblin."
"Except she's black."

"I talk a lot but I don't really like to."

"Go back to white man land. Jesus."

"When I lived there, I lived there a lot."

"Pocketful of pocketful of pocketful of lint."

"Here I am, a common European stew with extra potato."

"I'm a hater because I'm cranky and old."

"I sound ignorant."
"You are ignorant."

"Because Conor's a dramatic bitch, that's why."

"I just don't want deer to jump out, it's just like stay the fuck home."

"Conclusion: peanuts are just edible kangaroos."

"She's from Ohio!! That's not even south!!!"

"I kinda wanna be a rock. But like a pretty one."

"We're gonna be run over by muskrats ugh."

"That's a big ass valley."

"Seriously, what is this UFO business? We're in the middle of Ohio like what are you doing here?"

"If it's not cute, it doesn't matter."

"YEAH YOU DRINK THAT ORANGE JUICE... FUCKING SLUT!"

"Why would you ever wanna live somewhere that rhymes with loin?"

"Because it's a meme! Memes are forever."

"Who drinks vodka casually???"

"I don't have back sweat!"

"Did you know there's ice cream for dogs?"
"Yeah, it's called your ass."

"I'M TELLING YOU--WU WEI IS THE WAY TO GO!"

"I cleaned my earhole out."

"My favorite part of the day is when Papi gives up."

"MAYA NO! No passive aggressive life hating!"

"Then you've gotta be the best poop you can be."

"That's why we need Drake, to split up Kansas."

"Just because you have an earring and a girlfriend doesn't make you the alpha."

"He looks like the messed up face of John Travolta."

"The Godfather took place in where?"
"In the DR."
"You haven't even seen that movie."

"Maya, there's no yinyang in this bullshit."

"After you live in a castle, everything else is just mildly disappointing."

"THE MOON IS A LIE!"

"Everyday is leg day in the castle."

"Hey, guys, look! It's a rare specimen. Here we have a special snowflake. Hey, hey you, would you like some attention?"

"That bull's just like pissed off at a ROCK."

"Farts are the ghosts of meals past."

"Good luck with your butthole!"

"Waaaagaaaaa mama. Wagamama!!!"

"If you have at least one leg, you are a cat."

"We came, we saw, we puffined."

"Puffins are literally fruit-beaked penguins. They're so cute!"
"They're all extinct."

"Time to dangle our rectums, guys!"

"GET GLUC-ED!"

"Look, Irish cracker eats Irish cracker."

"Look, it's a Gubbeen. Theeeeeenks!"

"Claire, matches are illegal, didn't you know that?"
"Yeah, well, so are you, Maya, but you're still here."

"Everybody knows Hitler loved apples!!"

"I'm not a landfish, guys."

"Nuuuu Michelleee!"

"Don't put my blood on your pasta."

"I hope you're mildly inconvenienced for the rest of your life."

"You're a dumbledweeb."

"Do you want a little applesauce conscience on your shoulder?"

"I will crack your ribs until you die."

"I'm gonna do this til you hurt."

"Believe it or not, I don't need any fox dick."

"Is that Zootopia porn version?"

"Cups are for weenies."

"MY ROOM IS GONNA BE NEXT TO A FIELD OF PONIES!!!"

"What's a mandril?"
"It's a lowkey mammoth."

"I am absolutely fifty shades of not okay."

"What they don't tell you is that Spiderman probably has cancer."

"Glitter is the herpes of the craft world."

"That's one of the few things I'm quite sure about. Your arm will not turn into a dolphin."

"I feel like a coupon book."

"Passing tacks sounds like one of the least fun things you could possibly do."

"I AM THE ULTIMATE CHICKEN NUGGET!"

"Do all mammals give live birth?"
"No, all mammals as opposed to platapu."
"Platapu???"

"The rooster doesn't just like hump the egg."
"No! The rooster doesn't 'do' the egg!"
"So you don't get to pick who your baby daddy is?"

"What if flamingos could drive?"

"Alright I'm gonna do the twist-twist now."
"That sounds like some sort of martial art."

"My name is Caellum Kerr, therefore, asshole."

"So like... No homo man but like... Can I kiss you?"

"You're not just Maya, you're FUCKING Maya!"

"Oh look! Those look like dirty clouds!"

"Meningitis? Why can't it be Womanengitis?"

"Caellum's a salty mama."

"Hockey games are where grown men fight each other."
"Wait, old men find each other??"

"I'M SORRY YOU DONT HAVE A PENIS!"

"Literally, life decisions not on fleek."

"Don't let the turkeys getcha down."

"BUT IT'S SO SCARY AND I HAVE A KNOT THE SIZE OF ECUADOR ON MY SHOULDER."

"We get attached to the weirdest things, Maya: marshmallow robots and founding fathers."

"Why did I read 'campus' as 'cramps'?"
"Well, they're basically the same thing."

"Here, let me pull myself up on iTunes real quick."

"Wait they're all naked?! That's super funny!!!"

"What kind of a name is Gretchen Weiners?"

"WHY THE FUCK DO WOMEN ENDURE ALL THE BULLSHIT IN THIS WORLD?!"

"I will be quiet like a little mole."

"Well if you have a fat wrist then congratu-fucking-lations!"

*white girl voice*
"No friends, same problems. #relatable"

"Welcome to the Portsmouth Abigail, where nothing works and you want to die most of the time."

"It might be my ego and giant superiority complex, but I feel like we're doing a lot better than your other section... Plus Matias is in that section."

*tiny children walk by*
"Oh look, it's your brethren."

"Maya's a Mexican supremacist now. It's like the real south will rise again."

"Biblical sexual is my personal favorite."

"Hannah I'm gonna cry."
"Don't cry, you don't have time."

"STOP THROWING THINGS AT ME."

"I thought it would be a good idea to put my head down for a while and then the entire continent of Asia started playing the piano."

"Who run the world? David."

"Yeah, sure, could I just have a slice of the pink girly gay pirate one?"

*raises hand*
"I can't catch things. There's a reason I do drama..."

"You look like a fish."

"I'm just gonna pretend like my whole life is very together."

"Did you salt your cucumber?"

"...But here's my number, so Call Me--"
"Never."

"...as he tried to throw mayonnaise on my body..."

"Juneau, Alaska, Juneau  Alaska, Juneau  Alaska, Juneau  Alaska, Juneau  Alaska, Juneau  Alaska, Juneau, Alaska, Juneau, Alaska, Juneau, Alaska, Juneau, Alaska."

"Keep the collar up and the haters out."

"She sounds like a man when she coughs."

"Yo pretend my hand is a cookie."

"Javier is very literal, his world is black and white."
"No, it's not. It's full of colors!"

"He's always so lonely when he poops."

"MY THRIFTY BITZ BRINGS ALL THE KITTIES TO THE YARD AND THEY'RE LIKE MM I LIKE THRIFTY BITZ"

"I'd rather be a whore than die."

"....MASTURBATION...."
"Ewww."

"I'm surprised that didn't come out of your ass."

"Maya, I am as single as they come. I am ALWAYS on the menu."

"Go read your dick book."

"You know what happens in Ireland. You go as two, you come back as three."

"My Jesus is better than your Jesus."

"Yo, when I had a pixie cut, I literally looked like I was gonna steal some guy's shoes."

"Dye is for eggs, not people."

"Real platforms have curves."

"When I say Mother you say Theresa. Mother!"
"Theresa!"

"Dean, you can't just monopolize AIDS!"
"Yes, I can, I'm gay!"
"Yeah? Well, I'm African!"

"The struggles of having a big butt: you knock down dinosaurs."

"Can we listen to music?"
"When I speak, it's kinda like music."

"I love to eat dead babies."

"If I ended up writing a script about Spongebob, it would end up being torture porn."

"And then Maggie kicked her in the vagina."

"Do you think I'm a good dancer?"
"Well, you're Spanish and stuff..."

"Wait, THE CAT HAD AIDS?!"

"Did you know that there's an illness that makes you see sound?"
"Yeah, it's called acid."

"I'm not Obama, okay?!"

"We're done looking at women!"

"Kill your inner child!"

"Make it funny!"

"Yo, he's talking to the people having sex on the mat."

"I am Jesus."

"Maya, just TAKE THE CAKE!"

"...and everyone's BITCHING at the pub..."

"And sometimes your Mountain Dew just Mountain Don't."

"So what are we doing today?"
"Uh...well I'm currently inside Alex Barlow so..."

"No, this is like my crack."

"Hey Fonts? Mount and Dew me."

"I don't think I've ever given this note before, but swing your noodle in the fog."

"All day Avery Dey!"

"Urgh the bread just grazed my face."

"And that one... Well that one I guess would be the crotch."

"I'm a little tea pot short and stout, google that shit and call me out."

"I'm having iced-milk."

"Yan Diego, your sausage is falling off the bed!"

"Wait, Steve Jobs died?"
"Ohmygod where have you been?"
"But isn't he rich?"
"Oh, yeah, I forgot rich people don't die."
"Really?!"
"No, Javier, he died."
"Wait, but he's still rich?"

"Aww, look at all those horses!"
"Those are llamas."

"What's the difference between gelato and pistachio?"

"At my school they call it the train and the train hole."

"Now softly caress, now slowly undress--"
"Now clean up your mess."
"Why you gotta make it weird, Dad?"

"No! Don't hug me, I'm still sad!"

"If I were the creator of Apple and I died, I'd just shut it all down so no one could have anything else. If I can't have it, no one else can."

"Don't touch my nose! I have sharp boogers and they hurt!"

"I need to crap so hard !" *cries*

"Mami, can I ask you something? What's the meaning of life? And also, why did the chicken cross the road?"

"I'm a monastery! I don't even know what that means."

"Wanna use old hand sanitizer?"

"What if I use pants that are against their religion?"

"Imagine if this was vegan water!"

"I need to take a shih tzu."

"See? Liv enjoyed the joke!"
"That's because she's on drugs."

"Look! The bees are hibernating!"
"Javier, bees don't hibernate..."
"Oh."

"Suki looks so fat now."
"She's like a mini you!"

"Yeah, they just shrivel up and die. It's beautiful."

"You recorded me snoring? You're officially disowned."

"Maya don't get addicted to advil, if you're going to get addicted to a drug, do a weird one."

"Whoa, that's a lotta llamas."
"Javier, those are sheep."
"What's a sheep?"

"He's such a wet noodle."

"I get sweat mustaches on my eyebrows after P.E."

"Alpacas, llamas, sheep, same thing."

"Sibling compliments aren't compliments unless there are insults involved."

"Being at boarding school is like being pregnant. You're busy for nine months and you get weird cravings and you're always tired and you get mood swings and everything bugs the shit out of you."

"Max is so salty, her tears are all dried up."

"I don't have feelings, I have attitudes."

"But is he really gay? Or is he just southern?"

"Everyone should drop dead."
"YOU should drop dead...but gently."

"Fuck you. Fuck your whole family. For twelve centuries."

"How different would you say are the DNA of a dolphin and like...Jay?"

"Ugly people shouldn't have good names."

"You are not a priest. You cannot put things into my mouth."

"You're like a Canadian goose!"

"All hardcore people have plants."

"Marriage is a good end point, especially when they own a palace."

"So when someone says 'sick bro', they do not mean they are necessarily diseased. In fact they mean that the person is quite awesome."

"Maya, don't take my puns for granite. I'm getting real sedimental."

"He's not God, but like almost."

"That's not dancing, that's having a seizure."

"There is no life, there is only death."

"To be stoned or not to be stoned?"

"I am the asparagi!"

"I feel like you can't say all those things without blushing or going to Hell."

"You guys ready for this? ...Tigger El Dorado."

"Ugly people should just go home."

"Can we have chicken alpaca for dinner?"

"Eww now it's a chap ball."

"Oh my god... WE'RE FRUITS😭"

"I'm a whore and I like books!"

"Don't piss on your work!"

"Let's go back to mating you."

"I need you guys to give me more head!"

"Way way way back when, a cell found this mitochondria and just decided to hang out and was like 'cool, this is chill'."

"I was gonna say... Most of us look like Pater Noster."

"Please have a bad day everyday--that was great!"

"Wait so are you guys gonna sing the Pasta Noster now?"

"I love Canadians!"

"I must die mainly in Canada."

"Paint me like one of your French girls!"

"Well Kevin's drunk."

"Not having a soul is good."

"Voice of an angel, body of a beanstalk."

"No! You're not part of the banter!"

"...so because I'm one morbid motherfucker..."

"But like what if I text him with a British accent?"

"I like to touch my face when I'm in class."

"Okay so I was standing on the couch in the computer room like... Hitting a pumpkin... Because I have a lot of feelings."

"I JUST HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS I PROMISE I'M NEVER LIKE THIS."

"I just feel very noodle-y!"

"I hate talking about breathing because it makes me want to breathe and I hate that."

"Alcohol does not solve any problems, but neither does milk."

"You know Maya? Money can't buy you happiness, but somehow crying in a Mercedes Benz sounds better than crying on the street."

"Thanks five!"
"Who's Clive?"

"That sounds like 'oh yeah, I'm studying fuckin' Aristotle and Vaginies'!"

*drops toothbrush in the sink*
"NOOOOOOOO😭😭😭"

*cries*"What on earth what's wrong, Hannah?"
"I'M GONNA GET EBOLA NOW😭"

"Dang it, my butt is covered in salt!"

"Excuse me while I part the sea."

"BUT NO because they're not supposed to be sweet, they're VEGETABLES! And then it's just like WHAT AM I EATING?!"

"Maya, life is arbitrary. Worst comes to worst, just become a prostitute."

"Prostitution will always be there for you."

"FUCK MY ASS. FUCK THIS ASS."

"I can't do this. I'm looking at cakes in a restaurant from the Baltimore airport. I'm not gonna get a cake from the Baltimore airport because they are very large and I don't need to consume that many calories... I don't think... No... I'm not diabetic."

"My heart hurts. I'm so done."
"That's so sad."
"It's kay, this is normal."

"You're irrelephant."

"I feel like 'you're so cute' has become code for 'you're insane'"

"YOU'RE like a pilot... Of a submarine... that DOESN'T WORK!"

"Oh, I thought you were a man."

"D to the E to the L to the uh... I don't know how to spell delicious..."

"So do you have your license now?"
"Nah, I'll get it in the spring, I'm too tired."

"Speaking of cleaning our skulls, we need to buy more Q-tips."

*points at a broken lamp*
"Oh look that's me some days."

"Hi I'm Taj and this is Ma Hal."

"She's breathing in my eyeball."
"Ahh, I love it when mothers do that."

"You just gotta flick your inner thighs; it'll wake you up a bit."

"Speaking of death, how does sleep sound to you?"

"I was like 'Do I look like I have AIDS?' And they were like 'Yes'."

"Maya, come here or Imma spill lemon juice on you."

"My friend's mother-in-law once knew a guy named Sandy Wieners."
"That's so unfortunate."

"What's Magooch?"

"You're like Bigfoot but small."

"Yan Diego, stop looking at things with your hands."

"I'm giving you makeup cuz you need it."

"I'm talking to this girl whose name is like a tree."
"Wait what was it again?"
"I dunno Bamboo or somethin."

"I blew my nose and margarita came out."

"First I went for your penis, then for your neck."

"What? That's not even a good name! Why didn't you say Jim or something?"

"See I wish I were a senior right now. Actually, just kidding I don't have my life together enough yet."

"Writing section was just an excuse to verbally assault Dom."

"Bread is like pizza that's lost all aspirations in life."

"No, bitch, I sat here before you! I don't care if you're handicapped!"

"How do you feel about buying me a $125,000 pony?"

"So what? I WANT THE BREAKFAST SANDWICH!"

"What do you call a cold puppy sitting on a rabbit?"
"I wanna say hash browns...?"

"Wait but LOOK AT MY CORE oh nope just kidding I fell."

"Do I need to give Conor Smith worksquad for missing your recital?"

"I've made it my mission to coax the Outies out of the closet."

"Do they even celebrate prom in Alaska?"

"...I forgot how to eat a cupcake."

"Hang on, I've got a Eucharist stuck in my throat."

"My phone connection has to stop sucking dick."

"BUT WHERE IS ITS PENIS I DON'T UNDERSTAND😭?!"

"Do chickens even have sex?"

"Fucking number two! That little girl... I was like I will break you with my pinky!"

"Don't be Nemo. I'll kick Nemo's ass."

"Get your quesadilla ass outta here."

"WHY'D YOU KILL ME?!"
"So I could take your money."

"Ew, Javier put your toe back in your sock!"

"Did u throw your phone into the Atlantic fucking ocean and then dog paddle to retrieve it?"

"You have a really saggy neck."

"Snoopy's such a baller."

"Plus my fiancé is a jew. So that's fun."

"Where have you been? I run my own brothel."

"I thought you said 'Is Papa Gino's Chilean?'"

"Alright, you know the hunting sign with the deer and the antlers and stuff? For the longest fucking time I had no idea what it was. I thought it was a dancing man and I'd just be like man, why there so many fucking dancing men everywhere?"

"Claire's a pimp."

"How's the cake, you BITCH?!"

"Our nation may be dying but we're still racist as FUCK!"

"I feel very okay with using all of you for your bodies."

"Shut up I'm not Mongolian! I'm Filipino!"

"He has a WOMBBBB!!!!"

"Shut up, child, I birthed you."

"In the blood tests they always say everything's fine but then I'm like 'okay, bitch, obviously everything is not fine!'"

"Ooo look at me I'm Maya and I'm edgy cuz I dye my hair and rip my tights."

"Max, which is your least favorite limb?"

..........

I honestly have no idea how I got here. I have weird friends/family. Don't judge.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed!

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya 

P.S: It was Papa Kerr's bday today and he is my favorite human ever so he deserves a shoutout. I LOVE YOU!