I'm Feeling Old Now

Will this be my only post this year? Let's hope not.

..........

1. What did you do in 2021 that you'd never done before?

Got my first tattoo!!! And second. And third. Got my first covid vaccine!!! And second. And third. Ordered my first legal drink. Got shwasted. Drank in front of my grandparents at my cousin's wedding. Dated a woman (whom I am still head over heels for!) Did the lesbian deed with said woman lmao. Did my first ever wine tasting *heart eyes* Said wine tasting occurred with said woman in EUROPE so, basically my life is better than yours.

2. Did you keep your New Years Resolutions and will you make more for next year?

During a parmesan panorama punani pandemmy? Resolutions? More like I've been trying to stay alive, thanks.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My cousin Chloe had a baby girl born on my same exact birthday! Baby Lily is now my birthday twin, only twenty-one years younger :)

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Riccardo. It was too soon, my dear friend.

5. What countries did you visit?

I actually have fun answers this time! And you wouldn't think it 'cuz corona but still! I, of course, spent an annoying amount of time in the US and sadly didn't get to visit DR. However, I did get to visit the love of my life in SWITZERLAND of all places??? And then we took a quick little weekend trip to France, like...  my life cannot get more romantic or romanticized than that.

6. What would you like to have in 2022 that you lacked in 2021?

Predictability. Stability. A steady income. The usual.

7. What dates from 2021 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

February. First tattoo!
March 6. My 21st Birthday!!! (also hbd Lily)
April 20. No longer a lesbian virgin lol.

July. Memphis!!!

October. Switzerland <3 France <3 Zoë <3

December 2. Death Day Debut ;)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Having the courage, determination, and the nerve to stand up for myself against my school administration when they were being classist, ableist, elitest fucks. And also getting to play a Latina character for the first time in my life—that was truly something.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Whoa there buddy, let's use some less violent language there, shall we? I wish I had noticed my value and worth in friendships and relationships sooner. I wish I had dropped people who did not serve me and realized sooner that they did not deserve me. I wish I had listened to my dear ones' warnings.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Ya girl is literally chronically mentally ill ahaha but other than that, didn't get the 'rona *knock on wood* so that's a win. I only had to put up with the lovely, delightful symptoms of aging, such as horrific tendonitis flare-ups in both my knees, among other less glamorous things.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Plane tickets to see my Zoë <3 Oh and AN iPAD FOR SCHOOL THAT LITERALLY CHANGED MY LIFE (thank you Sabrina)!!!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Not even gonna lie: mine. I did so much work on myself this past year, it's kinda wild and deserves recognition. And sure, I may not be where I want to be yet but I did some badass things that previous me never would have been able to.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?

Many, of course, but I've got someone specific in mind. No matter, she won't be making appearances around here anymore.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Take-out food binges. And plane tickets (dear god they cost as much as a mortgage).

15. What did you get really, really excited about?

My first tattoo! Getting to star in a play that centered young, powerful Latinx voices. Getting to visit my girlfriend in EUROPE?!!! Truly any time I got to see her was a gift.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2021?

Head Over Feet. Jagged Little Pill Cast.

Kiss Me More. Doja Cat ft. SZA

MONTERO. Lil Nas X.

good 4 u. Olivia Rodrigo.

Woman. Doja Cat.

Balancing the Scales. Barlow & Bear.

Heat Waves. Glass Animals.

Best Friend. Saweetie ft. Doja Cat.

Woman. Diana Gordon.

DÁKITI. Bad Bunny ft. Jhay Cortez.

34+35. Ariana Grande.

drivers license. Olivia Rodrigo.

Levitating. Dua Lipa ft. DaBaby.

space girl. Frances Forever.

Promiscuous. Nelly Furtado ft. Timbaland.

abcdefu. GAYLE.

STAY. The Kid LAROI ft. Justin Bieber.

Shivers. Ed Sheeran.
Easy On Me. Adele.

INDUSTRY BABY. Lil Nas X ft. Jack Harlow.

Bad Habits. Ed Sheeran.

Do It To It. ACRAZE ft. Cherish.

All Too Well (Taylor's Version). Taylor Swift.

Happier Than Ever. Billie Eilish.

love nwantiti (ah ah ah). CKay.

Beggin. Måneskin.

Oh My God. Adele.

SAD GIRLZ LUV MONEY Remix. Amaarae ft. Kali Uchis, Moliy

One Right Now. Post Malone ft. The Weeknd.

traitor. Olivia Rodrigo.

Smokin Out The Window. Bruno Mars, Anderson .Paak, Silk Sonic.

Need to Know. Doja Cat.

THATS WHAT I WANT. Lil Nas X.

I AM WOMAN. Emmy Meli.

Ghost. Justin Bieber.

Meet Me At Our Spot. THE ANXIETY, WILLOW, Tyler Cole.

Peaches. Justin Bieber ft. Daniel Caesar, Giveon.

Life Goes On. Oliver Tree.

edamame. bbno$ ft Rich Brian.

GHOST TOWN. Benson Boone.

Don't Go Yet. Camila Cabello.

Save Your Tears. The Weeknd ft. Ariana Grande.

Bored. Billie Eilish.

Build a Bitch. Bella Poarch.

deja vu. Olivia Rodrigo.

Rasputin. Majestic, Boney M.

Astronaut in the Ocean. Masked Wolf.

Heartbreak Anthem. Galantis ft. David Guetta, Little Mix.

I GUESS I'M IN LOVE. Clinton Kane. 

telepatía. Kali Uchis.

Leave The Door Open. Bruno Mars, Anderson .Paak, Silk Sonic.

MAMMAMIA. Måneskin.

In Da Getto. J Balvin ft. Skrillex.

We're Good. Dua Lipa.

Beautiful Mistakes. Maroon 5 ft Megan Thee Stallion.

Prisoner. Miley Cyrus ft. Dua Lipa.

Good Days. SZA.

Dinero. Trinidad Cardona.

Heartbreak Anniversary. Giveon.

Love Again. Dua Lipa.

Dark Red. Steve Lacy.

Butter. BTS.

Blinding Lights. The Weeknd.

Mood. 24kGoldn ft. iann dior.

Watermelon Sugar. Harry Styles.

Up. Cardi B.

positions. Ariana Grande.

Lemonade. Internet Money ft. Gunna, Don Toliver, NAV.

WITHOUT YOU. The Kid LAROI.

Supalonely. BENEE, Gus Dapperton.

Holy. Justin Bieber ft. Chance the Rapper.

A-O-K. Tai Verdes.

pov. Ariana Grande.

Physical. Dua Lipa.

Say So. Doja Cat. 

Thot Shit. Megan Thee Stallion.

Jalebi Baby. Tesher ft. Jason Derulo.

motive. Ariana Grande ft. Doja Cat.

Ain't Shit. Doja Cat.

Buss It. Erica Banks.

Get Into It (Yuh). Doja Cat.

Cry Baby. Megan Thee Stallion ft. DaBaby.

Dick. StarBoi3 ft. Doja Cat.

Into The Thick of It. The Backyardigans.

Iko Iko (My Bestie). Justin Wellington ft. Small Jam.

WHOLE LOTTA MONEY. Bia ft. Nicki Minaj.

Bills, Bills, Bills. Destiny's Child.

Like I Can. Sam Smith.

GUY.exe. Superfruit.

Have Mercy. Chlöe.

Running Away. VANO 3000, BADBADNOTGOOD, Samuel T. Herring.

Bananza (Belly Dancer). Akon.

my ex's best friend. Machine Gun Kelly ft. blackbear.

WAP. Cardi B ft. Megan Thee Stallion.

Circles. Post Malone.

Man's World. MARINA.

Dress. Charlotte Sands.

MANCHILD. Emily Bear.

Candy. Machine Gun Kelly ft. Trippie Redd.

Maneater. Nelly Furtado.

Mind Over Matter. Anthony Ramos.

She. Dodie.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

(a) Moods are in constant fluctuation but overall, I'd say happier.
(b) What on earth is up with these invasive questions? I gained more weight than I ever have in my life and I'm learning to be okay with it.
(c) I'm only a fraction of a fraction richer than I was, monetarily speaking. With everything else though, I'd say exponentially.

18. What do you wish you had done more of?

I wish for every possible moment with Zoë. I wish I had done some more writing, sleeping, dreaming.

19. What do you wish you had done less of?

Giving people who weren't worth it the time of day. And gosh, I need to spend less time on my phone.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With my dad, the kitties, and the bros in our tiny apartment in NY. It was the best one we've had in years.

21. Did you fall in love in 2021?

Oh my, did I... She's everything and more.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Chrisley Knows Best.

One Day At A Time.

New Girl.

Julie & The Phantoms.

Peaky Blinders.
Maid.

Outer Banks.

Next in Fashion.

Sex Education.

Derry Girls.

Dead to Me.

Schitt's Creek.

The Queen's Gambit.

The Great British Baking Show.

23. Do you hate someone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Usually, I'd say hate is a pretty strong word but honestly I'd go so far as to say yeah. This warrants it.

24. What was the best book you read?

Dear god... did I read a single book this year? Uh... I'll get back to you on that.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

RATATOUILLE THE TIKTOK MUSICAL omfg greatest thing ever invented.
Måneskin, sexy beasts that they are.

Barlow&Bear, the talented-beyond-belief duo of my dreams.

26. What did you want and get?

True love <3 Experiences of a lifetime.

27. What did you want and not get?

An apology.

28. What was your favorite film of the year?

I dunno if you noticed but... it's been kinda ~impossible~ to go to the movies as of late so many of these had to wait. Luckily, the internet exists.

Luca.

In the Heights.

Black Widow.

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings.
Encanto.

Don't Look Up.

The French Dispatch.

tick, tick... BOOM!

I have yet to see:

Spiderman: No Way Home (if anyone spoils this for me, I will personally make sure the rest of your life is filled with tiny innumerable inconveniences)

Being the Ricardos.

Licorice Pizza.

West Side Story.

House of Gucci.

C'mon C'mon.

Spencer.

Old.

Cyrano.

Wolf.

Minari.

29. What is one thing that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Look, when I tell you lesbians do it better... they really truly do lmao

30. How would you describe your fashion concept in 2021?

Cottagecore-wannabe/baby-sapphic/yikes-depression.

31. What kept you sane?

Weed lmao kiddinggg (not really) But also my fierce, incomparably loyal friends. And doing theatre. Performing. Singing. Cooking. And knowing how long it would be 'til I could see Zoë again.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Doja Cat is just *perfection* Also, Zoë got me hooked on Machine Gun Kelly and I'm not mad about it. And of course, as always, Zendaya and Tom Holland, who will always have my heart.

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

I'm not even gonna go there. I was simply astonished by how blatantly selfish and arrogant some choose to be.

34. Who do you miss?

Titi. Mami. Zoë. A lot of people.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2021.

Sometimes, people you thought loved you will absolutely break your heart. Hard as it might be, it's okay to let them go. Get angry! Anger is powerful and deserves to be felt! You deserve to have people in your life who will see your value and worth no matter what the circumstance and choose you every time. Make no space for nonsense. You are a GIFT—and not one anyone should take for granted.

36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"You've already won me over, in spite of me

And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

And don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn't help it, it's all your fault."

"Head Over Feet" by Alanis Morissette

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Amalgamation

Sup.

I haven't been able to write for months. I mean, I've tried. But I never ended up finishing any of the posts I meant to write and so I've been left with an amalgamation of sorts. I thought I'd share them anyway.

..........

It's been exactly one month since I turned twenty and one month since I last saw all my Vassar friends. It's been a month since I had possessions that existed outside of a carry-on suitcase and a month since things started to go downhill.

It's hard to believe that a month ago, I was still convinced I'd be going back to school in two weeks' time; that I'd spend a week touring Chicago with my a cappella group; that I'd get to go back to my room and spend quality time with Jessica, with Charlotte & Leila; that I'd get to crash Evan's room so we could blow out our very late birthday candles; that I'd finally be able to go on a real date with the guy I was trying not to crush on for months.

..........

Heya.

It's late, I know. 

Bit nauseous, bit of a headache. Can't seem to sleep. Just one of those nights, I suppose. 

I'm in a mood I think. There were excellent parts to this week and parts I wish I could forget. My anxiety's been real bad.

..........

Hi friends <3

I meant to write something in the month of October but it seemed to have escaped me. The days dragged on, each one feeling longer than the last. A blur of nightmares, skipped meals, and incomplete assignments. My friends are gems, though. We're all just trying to make it through. Only three weeks til home.

Rip so I wrote that weeks ago

..........

I dunno what's wrong. I mean I should know what's wrong. I'm pretty sure I know what's wrong. I haven't taken my meds for a week. That would do it. It wasn't exactly on purpose. I dunno. Maybe it was. Maybe I'm self-sabotaging again. Maybe my brain doesn't want me to succeed. 

I'm in the middle of a Dungeons and Dragons game at the moment. Should I be paying attention? Probably. I'm trying to. I want to. I also can't shake the need to violently vomit. Withdrawals, probably. Oh, and the Big Sads. That, too.

Being home is hard. It's a lot. It's knocked me down lower than I thought it would. I can't wait to go back home. Real home. School. Where my friends will be. Where I want to be. 

I want to be okay. I want my brain to stop scrambling. I want to feel okay in my body. I don't want to hate being alive. 

I'm trying my best to feel like an interesting person. Like I can be good at things. Like I might have talents. Like I might not be mediocre. The company I keep is hard to beat. Not that there's anything to beat. I'm proud of them. I appreciate them. I love them for who they are. I'm just not them. Or anywhere near them. I want to like myself. 

I'm so tired all the time. My body hurts all the time. I think it thinks I'm fighting a bear every day. Or getting hit by a bus. Or battling the flu. My bones hurt. My muscles ache. My head throbs. My stomach churns. Why do mental poisons seep so deeply into our bodies?

..........

Hi there darlings.

I know the holiday season can be extremely difficult for some of us. It certainly is for me. Whatever your reason may be, I want to make sure you know you are loved and cherished and cared for, if not by anyone else, then by you. Be your own best supporter this holiday season (it's also a-okay to ask for help when you need it.)

..........

It was so bad. The screaming just never stopped. I just wanted to have a good Christmas. A good anything, really. Family isn't supposed to cause you this much pain. It isn't it isn't it isn't. Only a little more and then I'll be home home again. 

..........

We broke up. It was the right choice.

..........

A civil war? In this economy?

..........

HEY BITCHES!

Things have been kinda... good lately? Food has been more stable and fun (I get to cook a lot of it) and my brothers have been nice to me which is unheard of. My dad's about the same but we've binge-watched a lot of shows with my brothers like His Dark Materials and Peaky Blinders and Ink Master. It's been nice. My cats have each slept in my room more so, yaknow, maybe they love me after all. LINNEA ADOPTED A DOG! AND SHE'S NAMING HIM MONET! LIKE A BALLER! And he's going to be my little nephew I am so excited. I started knitting again (thanks to Jessica crocheting boob triangles) and I started collaging again (thanks to an identity crisis.) Oh also JESSICA FINALLY GOT HER ROOM ASSIGNMENT AND SHE'S JUST DOWN THE HALL FROM ME I AM SO BEYOND EXCITED TO SQUEEZE THAT WOMAN AGAIN! And also we finally watched The Warriors (her and her dad's fave movie to watch together, so I think I'm part of the family now.) I'm hella fucking nervous for school to start again because I still don't have my class schedule ahahaha but hopefully the imposter syndrome stops getting to me and I'll actually feel like I belong at Vassar. Oh, and I've made tiktoks? I dunno, man... I'm a new woman or whatever.

..........

Aaaaaand that concludes all the things I meant to write but never finished (minus the Thanksgiving and New Years' posts, those will have to wait.) I know it's not much but I guess you can at least see the progression of my different mental states or something? Wack. Anyway.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Perhaps the First Good Year

Once again, I'm the worst. To be fair, though, this time I didn't have internet on the day it was meant to be posted sooooo.......... Pretend this was posted on December 31st lmao XD

You won't even believe it but this year was the beginning of good news. Good news! For me! That hasn't happened for me in years, and that is not an exaggeration. Anyhow, this post was a lot more fun to write this time because it wasn't the same old depressing bullshit. At least for the most part.

1. What did you do in 2019 that you'd never done before?

Hmm, I'm trying to remember... Oh right. I FINISHED MY FIRST EVER FULL SEMESTER OF COLLEGE!!! FUCK YEAH!!! I also became a waitress for the first time, got fired for the first time (from that same job lol), became a dogwalker and a babysitter simultaneously, initiated my first ever breakup (that's huge for me, I've never been the one to initiate the split), I learned how to cartwheel, how to change a tire, I had my first ever successful hookup, I stood up to men who thought they could get away with treating me condescendingly and coercively, I performed in community theatre for the first time, I adopted KITTIES!, I became the primary caretaker/financial supporter in my household for a period of time, I experienced hunger, I overcame said hunger along with a bunch of other challenges and now I am here :)

2. Did you keep your New Years Resolutions and will you make more for next year?

I think I remember saying all I wanted for myself was self-compassion. It wasn't always easy but dear God, I think I finally am starting to get the hang of it. Next year, I want to continue on that track but also try to develop some more healthy day-to-day routines. Nothing should be more of a priority than my health.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My cousin Alex and his wife Chelsea had their first child together, Xander, and he's the cutest little nugget there ever was. Also, WE ADOPTED TWO INSANELY CRAZY AND ADORABLE CATS AND I'M OVER THE MOON ABOUT IT.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Mike Meads was in the year below me and even though I'd never been close to him, his death was unexpected and tragic and hurt many lives. Then Mary Oliver, Luke Perry, and Cameron Boyce, other untimely tragedies that shook my soul more than I thought they would. It was also the first anniversary of Titi's death. That was hard.

5. What countries did you visit?

US and DR, baby. I'm a predictable bitch.

6. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019?

I think just more financial security and the ability to find consistent routines that work for me.

7. What dates from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

January 5th. Send in college apps.
January 6th. YD goes to Rome.
January 22nd. First day waitressing.
February 9th. Visit Evan and Linnea <3
February 11th. First (initiated) breakup.
February 14th. Margaritowlville!
February 16th. Freaky Friday.
February 23rd. Meet Noah!
March 6th. Last teen year.
March 9th. Into the Spiderverse.
March 17th. Doña Flor y Sus Dos Maridos.
April 1st. Vassar says yes!
April 5th. NEWSIES.
April 11th. First time getting fired :/
April 20th. Dogsit for Shea.
April 24th. Hadestown <3
April 25th. Change a tire.
May 5th. Seussical.
May 10th. Les Mis.
May 18th. Nat's Dance Recital!
May 26th. Babies' graduation!
May 27th. Brunch Reunion w/ Fonts, Claire & Clara.
June 8th. Minigolf with CJ, NJ + Matt.
June 14th. WIFE!!!
June 21st. Whose Live Is It Anyway w/ The Martins.
June 30. Pride with Kota.
July 6th. RIP Cameron Boyce <3
July 12th. Spiderman: Far From Home.
July 30th. Marshland Conservancy.
August 6th. Kitty Adoption Day!
August 22nd. Vassar Round 2.
August 30th. Titi <3
September 15th. Owl Sing-Ins!
October 10th. Still.
October 11th. The Flick.
October 31st. O'Hysteria.
November 13th. Summertime/Wintertime.
November 22nd. Safe Hands.
November 23rd. Nina.
December 4th. Fun Home.
December 12th. Owls Final Concert.
December 14th. Beats Final Concert.
December 19th. Beats Suite Christmas.
December 20th. Return to the island.
December 21st. The Big Chop.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I somehow managed to make myself my number 1 priority. It didn't always work and there definitely were times where I had to put my family first but at least I didn't fall into the trap of needing a companion to get me through it all. I was there to get me through it all. I was capable and strong and determined and I was enough.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I don't really like to think of anything as a failure because from our mistakes, we learn. I would have liked to continue and get through my Fundamentals of Music class, but ultimately I made the right decision in withdrawing. It was sucking up all my energy and time and was wrecking my mental health so I'm glad I let it go.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Oh goodness, my immune system has never been the strongest and after working so closely with kids so often, you pick up all their gross little germs. Needless to say, I was pretty consistently sick for about half of this year. Finished the year off with a month and a half long bout of bronchitis :)

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Tickets to Hadestown. Wouldn't have traded them for the world.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My usual go-to's, Linnea and Evan—I seriously don't know what I'd do without them; my cousin Natasha who is the older sister I never had; Papi for breaking the cycle that had been eating at him for the past five years; and my lovely roommate Jessica, who made coming back to school the most fun ever.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?

So many people in power. It's nauseating, really.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Groceries, rent, medical bills. That's what life as a real adult is like.

15. What did you get really, really excited about?

Seeing Hadestown with my dad as our joint birthday present :) Performing Newsies with a cast of unbelievably amazing people. Adopting two precious kitties <3 Rejoining the path of college education. Getting to sing with my Night Owls once more. Watching professional-grade theatre for free because my college's drama department slaps. The new Dominican food place down the street from my dorm.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2019?

Señorita by Camila Cabello & Shawn Mendes
Old Town Road by Lil Nas X
I BEEN BORN AGAIN by BROCKHAMPTON
bad guy by Billie Eilish
7 rings by Ariana Grande
Sucker by Jonas Brothers
Lights Up by Harry Styles
Dancing With a Stranger by Sam Smith ft Normani
Circles by Post Malone
If I Can't Have You by Shawn Mendes
Dance Monkey by Tones and I
Juice by Lizzo
bury a friend by Billie Eilish
break up with your girlfriend, im bored by Ariana Grande
DDU-DU DDU-DU by BLACKPINK
Beautiful People by Ed Sheeran
Watermelon Sugar by Harry Styles
Cool by Jonas Brothers
BOY BYE by BROCKHAMPTON
Tempo by Lizzo ft Missy Elliot
Movement by Hozier
2 by H.E.R.
Greedy by Ariana Grande
Earth by Lil Dicky
Nightmare by Halsey
Kill This Love by BLACKPINK
Con Calma by Daddy Yankee
Back Pocket by Vulfpeck
365 by Zedd ft Katy Perry
Boys by Lizzo
bloodline by Ariana Grande
Exactly How I Feel by Lizzo ft Gucci Mane
Grow As We Go by Ben Platt
NO HALO by BROCKHAMPTON
i'm so tired by Lauv ft Troye Sivan
Truth Hurts by Lizzo
Funky Duck by Vulfpeck
MONOPOLY by Ariana Grande ft Victoria Monét
Mount Everest by Labrinth
Level Up by Ciara
Go DJ by KAYTRANADA ft SiR
The Box by Roddy Rich
thank u, next by Ariana Grande
Down Bad by Dreamville ft JID, J. Cole, EARTHGANG, Young Nudy
Need It by KAYTRANADA ft Masego
Solita by Kali Uchis
Fred Astaire by Jukebox The Ghost
Que Calor by Major Lazer ft J Balvin & El Alfa
All For Us by Labrinth ft Zendaya
Narcos by Migos
MALAMENTE by ROSALIA
151 Rum by JID
Hold Up by Beyoncé
Stop Your Crying by Lake Street Drive
Trampoline by SHAED ft ZAYN
River by Leon Bridges
i love you by Billie Eilish
Obsessed by Mariah Carey
Hey DJ by CNCO ft Yandel
Undrunk by FLETCHER
Teeth by 5 Seconds of Summer
hot girl bummer by blackbear
16 shots by Steffon Don
Lalala by Y2K, bbno$
Callaita by Bad Bunny ft Tainy
Don't Call Me Angel by Ariana Grande, Miley Cyrus ft Lana del Rey
California Dreamin' by The Mamas & The Papas
Jailbreak the Tesla by Injury Reserve by Aminé
I THINK by Tyler, The Creator
715 Creeks by Bon Iver
Good Kisser by Lake Street Drive
My Type by Saweetie
Jesus Is The One (I Got Depression) by Zack Fox, Kenny Beats

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

(a) Definitely happier. Without a doubt.
(b) Probably fatter lol Gaining muscle is exhausting.
(c) I think richer but it certainly doesn't feel like it what with all the adulting.

18. What do you wish you had done more of?

Enjoying the moment. Feeling confident in my abilities. Writing.

19. What do you wish you had done less of?

It may come as no surprise to you but worrying. It's time-consuming and unnecessary. Things work out in the end, not always the way we want them to but they do.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Uneventfully at my mom's apartment in DR surrounded by my fam.

21. Did you fall in love in 2019?

I'd like to say I learned how to fall in love with myself.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Where do I even start? Here are the ones that come to mind:

Dead to Me
Derry Girls
Scrubs
Riverdale
Friends (I watched all 10 seasons in about three weeks oops)
Euphoria
Barry
His Dark Materials
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
Queer Eye
Stranger Things (duh)
The Act
Schitt's Creek

23. Do you hate someone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Ooooooof sometimes men as a whole make me real mad. I'll just leave that there.

24. What was the best book you read?

I'm forgetting which books I read this year and which I read last year so I'm hoping these are accurate? I think it was a pretty good year for reading :)

Beautiful Broken Things
My Heart and Other Black Holes
Zac & Mia
Reincarnation Blues
Prince Charming
The Sun is Also A Star
Milk & Honey
Rainbow in the Cloud
Gmorning Gnight
Real Women Have Curves
Make Your Home Among Strangers
The Farming of Bones
Where the Crawdads Sing
The Sun & Her Flowers

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Ben Platt's Sing Me To Sleep
KATRANADA's BUBBA
Harry Styles's Fine Line
Ariana Grande's thank u, next
BROCKHAMPTON's GINGER
Fun Home Soundtrack
Hadestown Soundtrack
Vanara the Musical Soundtrack

26. What did you want and get?

A speck of stability which I didn't ever think I'd get in the next few years.

27. What did you want and not get?

Inner family peace but we're working on it.

28. What was your favorite film of the year?

As always, there is never one single answer:

Avengers: Endgame
Joker
The Lighthouse
Spiderman: Far From Home
Captain Marvel
The Lion King
Little
Always Be My Maybe
Downton Abbey
After (lmaoooooo)
Let It Snow
Klaus <3

I have yet to see:

Hustlers
Rocketman
Aladdin
Judy
The Two Popes
Good Boys
Honeyland
Peanut Butter Falcon
booksmart
Toy Story 4
Missing Link

29. What is one thing that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Quality time with my dad, my brothers, Natasha, the kitties... And getting beyond lucky when it came to my sweet hallmates and roommate :)

30. How would you describe your fashion concept in 2019?

Comfy girl-next-door

31. What kept you sane?

ASMR. Kiddos. My best friends.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Wow um cool if Hunter Shafer wants to accept my hand in marriage, I would be over the moon <3 Then again, I've got my usual suspects: Zendaya, Tom Holland, Ana de Armas, Lana Condor, Noah Centineo, Joey King, Cole Sprouse, Billie Eilish, Reeve Carney, Eva Noblezada, Ben Platt, Harry Styles, and of course, Lizzo.

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

Sigh. 2019 was not unique in its growing cases of hate and violence. Between the mass shootings, the numerous cases of transphobia, islamophobia, and anti-semitism, the blatant acts of terrorism, raging fires, families being separated and children being put in cages... I just have no words. It is each and every one of our responsibility to be better. This world cannot improve on its own—it is imperative that we step in and make every little tiny difference we can.

34. Who do you miss?

My mom. Suki. My grandparents. My brothers. Phoenix and Scout. Evan & Linnea.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019.

You have courage made of steel, babe. You are made of bravery and determination and perseverance. You are made of stars and exploding galaxies and the Sun and the Moon. There is absolutely nothing you can't do if you put your mind to it. I have every faith that you will succeed. I love you I love you I love you.

36. Quote a song lyrics that sums up your year:

"Woo girl, need to kick off your shoes
Got to take a deep breath, time to focus on you
All the big fights, long nights that you been through
I got a bottle of Tequila I been saving for you
Boss up and change your life
You can have it all, no sacrifice
I know he did you wrong, we can make it right
So go and let it all hang out tonight"

"Good as Hell" by Lizzo

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: Happy Birthday a billion days late Maeve, my dear <3

Productivity Levels These Days, Amirite?

Hello hi hello so y'all can ignore this post it's sorta more of a word vomit thing for me to feel like I did something like I accomplished something during this holiday weekend because otherwise I'm gonna start being self-deprecating and shit and it's gonna be real ugly and not fun so I decided I would list shit off that I did so I feel like a productive human being because sometimes I only feel valuable when I am useful yafeel so anyhow here goes

I handmade eleven holiday cards with all my artsy arts and crafts things

I single-handedly bought the food ingredients we needed in order to make thanksgiving happen with my own damn money

I made banana bread muffins for said thanksgiving feast and didn't burn them even a little bit

I wrote my first turkey day post and submitted it for y'all to see

I watched The Sword and the Stone solely because my brother requested to watch it and even when everyone else abandoned the movie I stayed

I watched Captain Marvel with my dad even tho I'd already seen it because he hadn't seen it and I wanted to know his reactions

I socialized with my cousins Max and Ali when they came over to visit on the holiday

I ran the dishwasher twice and unloaded it twice and made sure the kitchen sink wasn't gross or gunky I left it fully clean

I helped YD efficiently pack all the things he needed to bring back to school because he's useless at packing but also I live to feel useful to people so

I accompanied my dad to get his paycheck deposited and then helped him pick out stuff for YD to get clothing-wise because YD hardly ever ever ever gets new clothes and he was in need of them and the things we got were nice and I am happy to see him happy and I'm happy to see my dad happy because he made my brother happy idk it's just nice

I also got new running shoes for the first time since I was twelve and I'm really excited about not slipping around on the ground anymore since my new sneaks have grips on the bottom unlike my old ones

I helped acquire snacks for all because I am organized and get things done quickly and efficiently

I accompanied Natasha for two hours while we dropped off YD at his bus station so he could get back to school and we went to see a museum for a little bit and got to the station with plenty of time so YD could pick a seat he actually wanted and it was nice and we were glad he go there safe

I ran errands for my dad and picked up house supplies

I made myself and Natasha taquitos when there was nothing else to be had and they were delicious

I made YD a peanut butter and raspberry jam sandwich with a side of clementine and a glass of milk because he hadn't eaten anything all day

I played and snuggled and cuddled with Phoenix and Scout for hours and hours because I want them to know that I love them like I want them to really really know know that I love love love them with all my heart my whole entire being would do anything for those two

I provided people with alcohol and stories and passwords and so I felt useful again which was nice

I listened to a ton of new ASMR to go to sleep

I unpacked all the clothes I wanted to leave in VT and I put away the giving away items and I did my laundry and folded my laundry

I dreamt about a wedding

I showered and did a painful facemask and moisturized

I packed away all the things I needed to bring back to school

I slept when I needed sleeping and I woke when I needed waking

I hope getting that off my chest feels better soon I really do

In the meantime ciao los amo los quiero pórtense bien y todo eso dulces sueños muah

Year 18, Still Breathin'

Wow okay so 2k18 wasn't at all what it was cracked up to be but hey! There's always next year.

1. What did you do in 2018 that you'd never done before?

Oh goodness, let's see... Well, I voted for the first time so that was pretty sweet! I also may have made some poor life choices and got high with the big bro and dissociated for the first time and had my first real paying job and got my first ever state ID and lost my virginity and got hospitalized and bought my first toy (lol) and paid my own bills and scheduled my own doctor's appointments so like adulting yay that's cool.

2. Did you keep your New Years Resolutions and will you make more for next year?

I didn't make any resolutions that I can recall. I do remember saying I hoped 2018 was my year and even though on the surface it may very well have been an absolute disaster, it has taught me more lessons than I can possibly count. For 2019, I'm just striving for absolute self compassion, no questions asked.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Hmmm... no, BUT Yan Diego officially became the godfather of this teeny tiny black cat, Luna, and she is such a demonic treasure :)

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My one and only beautiful Titi Dorianny who lives in our hearts and in our smiles forever.

5. What countries did you visit?

The usual: DR & US. I'm not exciting.

6. What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018?

Oh gosh, stability for once in my life. Emotional, financial, physical, all of it. Or even just one of the three. I want something to go right for me in 2019. I've waited long enough and I sure as heck deserve it.

7. What dates from 2018 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

January 1st. First time.
January 22nd. Move to RI.
February 16th. The Little Mermaid.
March 6th. Finally legal.
March 11th. Winter photoshoot.
March 20th. Mami's book launch, DR.
April 21st. Hospitalization.
May 27th. Babies' graduation!
May 28th. First day of work.
August 2nd. Mami's book launch, NY.
August 3rd. Waitress.
August 4th. Anastasia.
August 16th. Second heartbreak.
August 23rd. Book of Mormon.
August 30th. Te quiero, Titi <3
September 10th. Officially settled in NY.
October 17th. Aidan <3
October 19th. A Star is Born.
October 31st. Halloween in VT.
November 6th. First vote!!!
November 11th. Fall photoshoot.
November 15th. SNOW.
November 19th. MacBook Pro.
November 24th. Bohemian Rhapsody.
December 11th. Officially together!
December 13th. First "I love you"

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Learning to love myself and to let go. Still a work in progress.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Failure is a strong word. It would be a little harsh to peg the word failure on someone when we're all just trying our best, but I guess I let myself sink all the way down this year. Farther into the void than I've ever gone before and it was scary as heck, let me tell you.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yes. I was briefly hospitalized in April for extreme panic disorder and suicidal thoughts. I also had a short but torturous bout of vertigo around midsummer. 10/10 would not recommend.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Hmmm... well back when I was making mula, I'd splurge on myself every now and again which was pretty heckin' fun and most of it consisted of unnecessary thrift store items or random beauty products. However, I was the most excited when I bought my first denim jacket. What can I say? I have my priorities.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

It may come as no surprise to you but my loves Linnea, Lauryn, Kelila, and Evan seriously pulled through. I mean those four got me through some of the toughest most excruciating times of my life, I owe them just about everything. Another pleasant surprise was seeing Tia Susan and Ali team up to be my personal champions and I just love them both beyond words.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?

I have a select few I could mention but the world never got any better by spreading hate.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Oh jesus, most of you won't want to know this but it's freaking true so I might as well say it: Calvin Klein underwear. Like stashes and stashes of them. It's teetering on obsessive, honestly.

15. What did you get really, really excited about?

Seeing a Broadway show for the first time in years. Any time I got to spend with my friends. Every trip to the Martins' home. Burritos. Cats. Movies.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2018?

God is a Woman by Ariana Grande
IDGAF by Dua Lipa
I Like It by Cardi B
breathin' by Ariana Grande
Radio Ga Ga by Queen
Just a Stranger by Kali Uchis ft. Steve Lacy
Bad Liar by Selena Gomez
Spice Girl by Aminé
No Tears Left to Cry by Ariana Grande
bellyache by Billie Eilish
Joanne by Lady Gaga
Mo Bamba by Sheck Wes
Feel It Still by Portugal the Man
Bodak Yellow by Cardi B
Shallow by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper
Moonlight by XXXTENTACION
La Cintura by Alvaro Soler
Rewrite the Stars by Zac Efron and Zendaya
lovely by Billie Eilish ft. Khalid
Sober by Demi Lovato
BLACKJACK by Aminé
Don't Stop Me Now by Queen
In my Feelings by Drake
Sweet Creature by Harry Styles
King Kunta by Kendrick Lamar
REEL IT IN by Aminé
idontwannabeyouanymore by Billie Eilish
In My Blood by Shawn Mendes
I Love It by Kanye West ft. Lil Pump
Sorry not Sorry by Demi Lovato
1998 TRUMAN by BROCKHAMPTON
All the Stars by Kendrick Lamar ft. SZA
you should see me in a crown by Billie Eilish
Havana by Camila Cabello
Yikes by Kanye West
Uproar by Lil Wayne ft. Swizz Beatz
ICY GRL by Saweetie
Nice for What by Drake
Movement by Hozier
Lost In Japan by Shawn Mendes
Look At Me! by XXXTENTACION
Girls Like You by Maroon 5 ft. Cardi B
Youngblood by 5 Seconds of Summer
Sweet but Psycho by Ava Max
REDMERCEDES by Aminé
Caroline by Aminé
Taki Taki by DJ Snake, Selena Gomez, Ozuna & Cardi B
thank u, next by Ariana Grande
JELLO by BROCKHAMPTON
I Ain't Got Time! by Tyler, The Creator
Greedy by Ariana Grande
Hair Too Long by The Vamps
Icon by Jaden Smith
NO EXCUSES by Meghan Trainor
Money by Cardi B
Who Dat Boy by Tyler, The Creator & A$AP Rocky

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

(a) I can't believe I'm even saying this but happier. So much happier.
(b) I can't believe this either but thinner... I lost ten pounds XD
(c) Wowowow I have never been more penniless in my life and yet I'm makin' it work somehow.

18. What do you wish you had done more of?

Art. Part of me feels like I wasted a whole good nine months but then again, I had lots of healing to do and the healing isn't over yet. I'm doing the best that I can.

19. What do you wish you had done less of?

Ew crying. Ohmygod, if I had a dollar for every second I spent crying this year, I'd be a fucking trillionaire. Not that crying isn't good for you or a healthy coping mechanism but when you've got anything in excess, it's not so bueno.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Quietly in NY with my dad and the bros.

21. Did you fall in love in 2018?

Oh yes, absolutely.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Bisshhhhhhh I thought you'd never ask :)

Say Yes to the Dress
Grace & Frankie
Downton Abbey
King of the Hill
This is Us
Community
The Good Place
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
The Great British Baking Show
The Fosters (it finally ended and I think I might die)

23. Do you hate someone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Hate is a very strong word. Again, a select few come to mind but spreading hate is bad karma so...

24. What was the best book you read?

Heck dudes, I'm bummed I didn't read as much as last year but I still managed to sneak some reading in here and there.

Paperweight by Meg Haston
When in doubt, add butter by Beth Harbison
The Beginning of Everything by Robin Schneider

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Hadestown: The Myth. The Musical. (thank you Claire for blessing my whole life with this)

26. What did you want and get?

Affection. To see my family.

27. What did you want and not get?

Security. Safety. Stability.

28. What was your favorite film of the year?

As always, there is never one single answer:

A Star is Born
Bohemian Rhapsody
Crazy Rich Asians
Black Panther
Dumplin'
To All The Boys I've Loved Before
Set It Up

I've yet to see:

Love, Simon
The Hate U Give
Incredibles II
Christopher Robin
Ocean's 8
Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again
BlacKkKlansman

29. What is one thing that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Music helped me through it all.

30. How would you describe your fashion concept in 2018?

50% barely functioning/systematically depressed human being, 50% casual hipster chic.

31. What kept you sane?

Meditation. Spotify. Sleep.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Not even gonna try to hide my love for Noah Centineo <3 I LOVED HIM SINCE THE FOSTERS YOU POSERS!!!

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

It's sad that there are almost too many to count with each coming year but for reasons that hit far too close to home, the Kavanaugh trial. I don't think I'd been triggered that badly in a while.

34. Who do you miss?

Titi. Linnea, Evan, the Owls, Suki, Luna, Nutella, Bernie, & Phyllis <3

Notice how half of those are animals.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018.

You are love. You are light. You are loved. You are worthy. You are able. You are enough.

36. Quote a song lyrics that sums up your year:

"I'm off the deep end, watch as I dive in
I'll never meet the ground
Crash through the surface
Where they can't hurt us
We're far from the shallow now"

"Shallow" by Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: Happy Birthday my dearest Maeve <3

Turkey Day List #1

Whoa okay so it's been a hot minute.

I'd apologize for the long wait but honestly, if you knew the state I was in for the past eleven months, you'd understand.

There's a lot to tell and I dunno if I plan on recounting all of it but I'll fill you guys in with the basics soon.

In the meantime, I absolutely could not miss my annual Thanksgiving posts. It's sort of fitting that my first post in almost a year be on Thanksgiving. Funny how that is.

I don't even know if I remember how to do this thing. Oh whale. Here goes.

..........

Rhode Island Hospital's Emergency Room: Thanks for making sure I'm still here.

Ariana's sweetener: Major healing vibes. I owe a lot to you.

Piglet the Owl: I haven't been able to sleep a single night without you tucked in my arms.

The Hadestown Soundtrack: Thank you for reminding me that true passion for the arts still exists.

Apple: For teaching me the greatest lesson in patience via useless customer service representatives *insert upside down smiley face emoji*

Dear Evan Hansen: I am glad I exist in the same timeline as you. You move me to my core, you do.

Billie's don't smile at me: You've been my greatest discovery.

20 Beaumont St: For housing some special memories that I'll cherish forever. And for the learning and growing.

Vermont: For always being there. Every time.

Lactose free milk: Bruh, you da realest. fuck lactose intolerance

My phone: You sturdy little fucker. Thanks for stickin with me while I was computerless.

Photoshoots: For the candid smiles and endless laughter.

Sex: Highkey understand the hype now.

Money: Get rekt.

Cannabis: What a time.

Downton Abbey: My dudes, this is the single best thing I look forward to at the end of the day.

My pink sherpa blanket: I'm sorry I don't know how to wash you but I love you so much and will love you 'til you die please don't leave me.

Therapy: I wish I had the power to give everyone access to you.

Savers: I have about a million times more respect for people who work in retail now. Like... Jesus. Y'all really have been to hell and back.

Elections: For allowing me to vote for the very first time! Woot woot!

Marty the Striped Succulent: I only forgot to water you like three times I promise I love you with my whole heart don't die kay thanks.

Frozen dinners: For not letting me and my dad go hungry.

Melman the Decorative Squirrel: I haven't seen you move around the apartment lately, you okay?

Grace & Frankie, the hedgehog dryerballs: Y'all are real homies. Thanks for preventing static from ruining our clothes and such.

Car Karaoke Sessions: Sometimes you just gotta sing it out.

A Star is Born: One of the most moving art pieces I've seen in a long while. Perhaps ever.

100% Fruit Popsicles: You're a poor substitute for ice cream... still heckin' good though.

This Is Us: Ugh why must you chew my heart up and spit it out???

Grace & Frankie, the TV show: Season 4 better come out soon.

Knitting: For giving me a new hobby that not only passes the time but makes other people happy.

Hugs: I wouldn't be here without you.

Community Theatre: For opening my eyes to worlds of possibility.

Winter Season: Though you bring endless sadness to some, you bring infinite joy to me.

Gym: For getting me back on the grind.

Candles: For making everyday life a little sweeter.

Community: I hardly knew I could laugh like that again.

Face masks: You link us all through the power of self-care.

The Great British Baking Show: For reminding me that competitions and success don't always come to the most ruthless. Believe it or not, kindness aids in success.

Snow: Magic does exist.

Linnea's House: You've become another safe haven for me. You can never be replaced.

Astrology: We all need something to believe in, don't we?

..........

How's that for a comeback?

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

We Made It! (Barely)

Oh boy. What a year it's been, my loves. A lot of firsts... A lot of lasts... Here's to hoping you had a better one than I.

1. What did you do in 2017 that you'd never done before?

I graduated motherfucking high school, bitchesssssssssss!!!!! Oh, I also may have gotten drunk for the first time. And high for the first time. And had my first hookup. And regretted my first hookup. And started college. And dropped outta college. And met the love of my life under the strangest of circumstances.

2. Did you keep your New Years Resolutions and will you make more for next year?

Well, my dudes, I did as I promised last year: I survived 2017. Quite a feat, might I add. Beyond that, I don't really know if I could focus on anything else. 2018 better be my year. Please be my year. Please, pretty please.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Still no nieces or nephews, thank God. HOWEVER, the Kerrs and the Doires both adopted some gorgeous baby puppers, Finn and Loki respectively. And ohMyGOd they are the most terrific babies you ever did see.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My dearest Rosie. Thank you for visiting me the other day. You have no idea how special that was.

5. What countries did you visit?

Nowhere new, I'm afraid. Just the good ol' USofA and DR.

6. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?

I just... I want the pain to go away. I know that's a longshot, but the past few years have been hell. I mean, absolute hell. And I know I should be counting my blessings—I am—but just... I just want to know something for certain for once, you know? I just wanna be happy. Isn't that what we all want?

7. What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

January 22nd. Semi with CJS.
February 11th. Killed Berklee 2k17.
February 17th. Legally Blonde.
March 28th. Vassar says yes!
April 10th. My poor Rosie <3
May 1st. Yes to Vassar!
May 13th. Senior Prom with CJS.
May 20th. Last Abbey show :(
May 28th. Graduation.
May 31st. First crossfade.
June 3rd. First heartbreak.
August 17th. Hello college.
September 12th. NIGHT OWLS!
October 27th. Buddhist retreat.
November 4th. Goodbye college.
November 10th. William Wells Rider <3
November 28th. First "I love you".
December 10th. One month of happiness.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Honestly? Getting into college didn't hurt. But I'd say the real achievement was finding someone who respects me and loves me for everything that I am.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I feel like I failed myself. I thought I was ready for college but just... things didn't really line up. The timing wasn't right. Lots of things weren't right.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

So I casually suffered from emotional shock in October and almost went into cardiac arrest which was no fun. But here I am, alive and, well... alive, folks. That's about all I can say.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Whaleeeeeeee, here's the dealio: I have zero income. Or at least, I did have a minimal income until I left college. HOWEVER. Seeing as I am currently living with the Wilson-Fishers, everything I get comes from them. And let's just say Tia Susan was feeling particularly generous one day and bought me some early Christmas gifts from Urban Outfitters and holy SHIT do I look good in them :)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Fonts, you've always been there for me, my dude. Seriously, I would not be here without you. Linnea, my darling, I could not be more thankful for you. The universe gave me the best roommate in the history of roommates. And Evan, dear friend, I miss you more than words can explain. You made college worth it. Tia Susan, you've been my guardian angel. And William, my dearest William, thank you. For what you do for me every single day. I cannot thank you enough. I love you all.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?

This one might come as a shocker to y'all, but honestly, my parents. That's not to say I don't still love them with my whole heart or that they aren't wonderful people but they both fucked up royally this year. It's still taking me a while to put back the pieces.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Oh, are you talking about that college that I'm not even currently attending?

15. What did you get really, really excited about?

Getting into THE BEST  a cappella group EVER!!! (seriously tho, I miss y'owl more than you know)

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2017?

Vor í Vaglaskógi by Kaleo
Waving Through A Window by Ben Platt
Michael In The Bathroom by George Salazar
Don't Think Twice, It's Alright by The Night Owls
Moondance by The Night Owls
Slow Down Love by Louis the Child ft. Chelsea Cutler
Dead by Madison Beer
Lights Down Low by MAX ft. gnash
New Rules by Dua Lipa
Mi Gente by J Balvin ft. Willy William
Felices los 4 by Maluma
Súbeme la Radio by Enrique Iglesias
Chantaje by Shakira ft. Maluma
Lost by Frank Ocean
Mykonos by Fleet Foxes
Degas Park by Kevin Abstract
GOLD by Brockhampton
Slow Hands by Niall Horan
HUMBLE by Kendrick Lamar
Bad Liar by Selena Gomez
Like Real People Do by Hozier
DNA by Kendrick Lamar
Shoutout to my Ex by Little Mix
Rockabye by Clean Bandit
Mercy by Shawn Mendes
Crying in the Club by Camila Cabello
Love on the Brain by Rihanna
Oblivion by Bastille
You Don't Know Me by Jax Jones
Swish Swish by Katy Perry
River by Bishop Briggs
Bad at Love by Halsey
Blame it On Me by George Ezra
Wasted Youth by FLETCHER
Bacon by Nick Jonas
Sight of The Sun by fun
There's Nothing Holdin' Me Back by Shawn Mendes
Make Me (Cry) by Noah Cyrus
Bad Things by Camila Cabello
A Million Reasons by Lady Gaga
The Greatest by Sia
Bon Appétit by Katy Perry
Sign of the Times by Harry Styles
All The Pretty Girls by Kaleo
Despacito by Luis Fonsi ft Daddy Yankee
Andas En Mi Cabeza by Chino y Nacho
So Much Better by Laura Bell Bundy (Legally Blonde)
Shape of You by Ed Sheeran
Sunday Candy by Chance the Rapper
I Found by Amber Run
Come On Get Higher by Matt Nathanson

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

(a) sadder. much, much sadder. but hopeful.
(b) about the same?? I dunno.
(c) far poorer. and not getting richer anytime soon.

18. What do you wish you had done more of?

I wish I could have laughed more. There are so many things to laugh and smile about.

19. What do you wish you had done less of?

Wallowing. I do too much wallowing. My friends can all testify.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Quietly in Vermont. Spent more than half the day napping.

21. Did you fall in love in 2017?

I thought you'd never ask :)

22. What was your favorite TV program?

So you see, Evan got me hooked on this thing called Narcos and we lowkey may have binged it and it was the best time of my life. Then, of course, once Stranger Things Season 2 came out, there was no turning back. Since that ended, I may or may not have binged all of Big Mouth in a day...? Don't judge me.

23. Do you hate someone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

His name rhymes with Tonald Drump. Although to be fair, I did already hate him this time last year, so...

24. What was the best book you read?

You have NO IDEA how long I've waited for this post so I could inform y'all :) Okay, so this summer, I ended up devouring books one by one and was a happy camper, yes indeed. Here's a collection of my top 5:

All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven
We Were Liars by E. Lockhart
A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore
You Are Here by Thich Nhat Hanh
and of course, my beautiful Mami's book:
El Hierro Que Forjó a la Dama by Darys Estrella

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Probably Kaleo (thank you Evan and William!) If we're talking musicals, though, you MUST listen to the Dear Evan Hansen soundtrack. Unbelievable. Simply unbelievable.

26. What did you want and get?

A high school diploma. A college acceptance. Love.

27. What did you want and not get?

Mental stability. Yet again.

28. What was your favorite film of the year?

Beauty and the Beast
Spiderman: Homecoming
Gaga: Five Foot Two
The Florida Project
Loving Vincent
Wonder Woman
Gifted
Split

I have yet to see:
Coco
I, Tonya
Wonder
Ladybird
Dunkirk
My Friend Dahmer
The Greatest Showman

29. What is one thing that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Daily "I love you"s from the one and only <3

30. How would you describe your fashion concept in 2017?

I literally hate this question so much cuz I never know how to answer it... I guess you could say I still rock the overalls. That and pajamas on a good day.

31. What kept you sane?

Not much, to be honest. I'm not even totally sure how I'm here right now.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Sooooooo I may have become a bit obsessed with Aaron Tveit and Ben Platt... I swear, it's only because they're talented, not because they're both drop-dead-fucking-gorgeous. Emma Watson once again makes the list, but what else is new?

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

There were too many to count this year, folks. Far too many. Plus, I was a bit preoccupied dealing with my own mental health so I kinda needed to steer clear of politics for a while.

34. Who do you miss?

Rosie. Linnea, Evan & the Owls <3 Oh, and my lil peanut, Suki.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017.

Taking time for yourself is ALWAYS an option. It does not make you a failure. It does not make you unworthy. It does not make you unloveable.

36. Quote a song lyrics that sums up your year:

"Hold, hold on, hold onto me,

'Cause I'm a little unsteady,

A little unsteady."

"Unsteady" by X Ambassadors

There you have it. Sending you all my best.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAEVE!!! I LOVE YOU WITH MY WHOLE HEART!!!

Why, Hello Again!

OHMYGOODNESS HI!!!

Sorry about the yelling. I'm just feeling slightly enthusiastic.

"But why?" you might ask.

Oh, you silly human, I'm about to tell you why :)

Let's begin with the fact that I have officially sent in all my college applications as of January 1st, 2017. GO ME!!! I also made it back to the Abbey in one piece which was a feat within itself.

I managed to survive my first school day back where I GOT TO SEE CLAIRE AND FONTS AND TIERNAN AND IT MADE ME SO GOSH DARN HAPPY. Seriously, I missed those peeps more than any of you could possibly understand.

Aaaaand, last night, I went through a ton of college confirmation emails and wrote down a list of scholarships I need to apply to ASAP. See? I was uber productive.

And I also managed to clean my room and unpack and work out discussions with people and I asked Conor to Semi and he said yes and I took a shower and I brushed my teeth and I put my clothes on the right way and I scheduled a college interview for next week and I just wrote a blogpost for Culinary Arts Club that was pending and the bottom line is I'm kind of super proud of myself and you might laugh at me but I don't care 'cuz I'm getting things done.

My Christmas break was lovely and cozy and I freaking love Vermont. We made so many peppermint hot chocolates and ate delicious pizza and played lots of charades and I played with Cinnamon the kitty cat and I talked to my Tia Susan a lot because she's a quality human.

For Christmas I was given so many books I've been begging to read, and my cousin Ali got me a whole bunch of fuzzy socks and essential oils and goddess oracle cards because she knows I'm trying to become the modern day Buddha and we drank so much root beer and ate a lot of cheesecake and tuna and it was super heckin awesome.

Hmm why else am I feeling pretty great?

Whaleeee, ED SHEERAN DROPPED TWO NEW SINGLES AND I'M IN LOVE WITH BOTH OF THEM AND YOU SHOULD GO LOOK THOSE UP IMMEDIATELY. Also, there's a coffeehouse tomorrow and Semi is in two weeks even though it was moved to a Sunday??? And next Sunday I'm going to go make dumplings in Boston and I'm super hyped and it's gonna be a good time.

Oh and I also get to see Caellum soon I think. Which is good. And I wanna write more. And I wanna be good at stuff. Yeah.

OH AND IT SNOWED TODAY. LIKE A LOT LOT LOT. AND IT LOOKED MAGICAL.

I WOULD 10/10 RECOMMEND.

Now go watch a good movie. Eat a snack. Or several. Get cozy. Read a book.

Go make yourself happy!!! I love you!!!

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Holiday Refresher

Hello darlings. Forgive the long wait. Things have been crazy hectic but I promise you I have my reasons. I thought you all deserved an update on my shenanigans so here it is!

Let's see, let's see... Well. I left you off at Thanksgiving, yes?

Alrighty. It turns out that I auditioned for All State for the second year in a row on the first day of vacation aaaaaaaaaaaaand I GOT IN! Which was honestly a surprise to me seeing as I absolutely recked my audition (and not in the good way...) and ON TOP OF THAT they do this little thing called ranking for each vocal part (I'm a soprano) and last year I got ranked #17 in the state. But for some reason I HAVE YET TO UNDERSTAND, this year I got ranked #6 in the ENTIRE STATE OF RHODE ISLAND.

So. That happened. You can tell I'm obviously not excited about it whatsoever :)

I'm also gonna be in the Treble Choir (all female) this year and I'm definitely looking forward to that. It'll be... interesting, seeing as last year I was in the mixed choir.

ANYWHO. I spent an absolutely LOVELY vacation in Vermont with my nearest and dearest <3 I got them to watch Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them and oh my lord, I'm just gonna stop right there cuz otherwise I'm just gonna keep going and going and going about that beautiful piece of art.

Since I had to return early with YD and my dorm wasn't open yet, I had to stay the night at RISD with the bro and his roommate, Nevin. Not gonna lie, I was a tad skeptical at first because scary college dorm with scary artsy college kids but OHMYGOD IT WAS SO FREAKING FUN. It was honestly like a big kid sleepover and we ended up talking 'til 2am. It was far more enjoyable than my stricter dorm life back at school. I am beyond ready for college.

Next big thing, let's see... Ah, well, the first day back always marks the first day of auditions for the Winter Musical and this year it happens to be... *drumroll please*...

Legally Blonde.

I know.

Wild.

Smidgen lighter than Anne Frank.

At first, none of us were particularly excited about the prospect of having to only look at pink for the next three months, let alone have to act like valley girl sorority sisters 24/7, but I will tell you the idea grew on us. We were definitely in need of a change.

The audition process was perhaps the longest the Abbey's ever had. Two days of auditions but on the second day, we stayed for a total of five hours. Five entire hours. It was rough to say the least.

AND it might've been the longest time Bray-Bray decided to let us wait before he put up the cast list. Wasn't until 12:42pm that I received that email. You can imagine how I slept the night before.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce that I will be playing the next Elle Woods, and yes, I will be dyeing my hair blonde.

But that's a whole other matter of discussion.

Rehearsals have been quite long and fatiguing but that much is expected.

What else am I missing? Hmm. Well the past two weeks have been a tad stressful for a number of reasons but I don't think I'll go into that. Besides, I only have four more days of school before holiday break, so things are looking up for me.

Oh! I spent a total of five hours yesterday working with Emmalene and a few others on holiday cards for homeless veterans. If anything, I felt like I was definitely contributing some kind of good in the world. Granted, my artistic skills are extremely rusty so some of them I'm afraid ended up looking like Kindergartner's work. HOWEVER, the ones I actually spent hours doing looked a lot more lovely and I do not consider my time at all wasted. I would be happy to do it again sometime :)

TOMORROW IS MY DORM'S XMAS PARTY AND WE'RE DOING SECRET SANTA AND I'M SO EXCITED AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I'm also lowkey excited to give my friends their Christmas gifts because holy shit I'm so good at that.

I have three tests between now and Thursday. Pray for me so I don't die.

Ummmmmmmm.

OHMYGOD SO IT SNOWED LAST NIGHT FOR THE FIRST TIME AND IT ACTUALLY STUCK TO THE GROUND AND EVERYTHING LOOKED SO BEAUTIFUL AND PRISTINE AND IT WAS OFFICIALLY A WINTER WONDERLAND AND NOBODY WILL TELL ME ANY DIFFERENT.

not even the rain that washed it away this morning.

I'm really looking forward to this holiday because God knows we all need it.

I think that's about all I can remember, folks.

Best of luck to all of you taking exams and writing stressful papers and auditioning and performing and the like. I believe in you all. You can do it!!!

For some odd reason, I've been feeling a lotta feels lately and I kinda feel like spreading the love so my apologies if I'm coming off a bit strong. Not like that's ever stopped me before.

I love you I love you I love you

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Low Lie the Fields of Athenry

To those of you wondering what exactly occurred on our heavenly trip to Ireland, I am here to rid you of that mystery. On our very last day, Mama Kerr asked us all to close our eyes and picture every last moment and jot whatever our sentiments were down into a notebook before we lost those memories forever.

I'm afraid I cannot say I managed to keep a journal for the London side of things simply because we were so darn busy the entire time. That's not to say we weren't busy in Ireland, because we were—it was just a different kind of busy. Nonetheless, I wanted to share my journal entries with you because I cannot express how unbelievably amazing the whole experience was for me.

That being said, it is a helluva long journal entry, so if you're planning on reading the entire thing, you may as well get a snack or something... We'll be here for a good while.

..........

My dearest Maya:

I write to you from Ireland on the 12th of June, 2016. You are about to get on a plane headed straight toward London, England and who knows what wonderful experiences you'll encounter there. For now, I want to write to you about the past week in hopes that you won't forget. The moment we boarded the coach bus from PAS, I knew we were in for a treat. The excitement hadn't hit me yet and I chose to nap on my own all the way to Logan.

Upon arrival, the usual banter ensued and after getting our boarding passes, immense panic swept over me because I realized my seat was the farthest away from the group. Papa Kerr fixed that for me, thankfully. In the meantime, I was developing a helluva fever to the point of tears and almost passing out. I am so grateful to Caellum and Conor and Claire and Mama and Papa Kerr for taking care of me while I felt like shit.

The flight was long and uncomfy but we made it through—yes, I got to sit next to CJS. Arriving and noticing the time switch was the strangest thing. Stepping out into the Dublin airport and seeing all the Gaelic written on signs was quite bizarre, but expected. I didn't feel entirely foreign and for some reason, the excitement/shock hadn't hit me yet.

That day, we waddled onto a bus (my fever was back) and we made our way to Trinity College. Our tourguide, Byrne, was an absolute babe but he was totally gay. I would have enjoyed the scenery and everything, including the Book of Kells a lot more if I had not been so ill. Nonetheless, we went off to eat at this little place and the food revitalized me a bit. (P.S: THE SODA BREAD WAS SO DAMN GOOD!) We entered a record store, listened to some funky music, walked through a silent writer's museum and made our way back to our awaiting castle.

Seeing her from a distance was truly breathtaking and I wish I could recapture that moment over and over again. Seeing all the cobwebs and suits of armor decorating the halls was so surreal. I felt like royalty. That night was a blur of hot and cold flashes, blaring music, pillow forts, snuggles, and mixed feelings. I was out before I knew it.

Day Two, we met Brian, our caterer, who cannot be described as anything other than dynamite. His explosive exclamations and delicious food woke up our bleary minds as we trudged through the Coach House. Okay, that bacon—beyond compare. I can still smell it now. Breakfast was loud and obnoxious and I was feeling more alive than I had the previous day. That day was meant for the walking tour and adventuring about Galway—a beautiful city, mind you. The day was sunny and beautiful. I got sunburnt that day. Who woulda thought? Lemme retrack real quick to the night before, though. On the way to the Castle, we had dinner at this tiny lil' plaza called—wait for it—Obama Mart. I kid you not. It was fucking hilarious. I got the best club sandwich I've ever tasted in my life at some rip-off Subway place and Caellum and Conor both became aware of and quickly addicted to this drink called Lucozade (—Get Gluced!) After that, we had a very hilarious and slightly delirious conversation about Michelle Obama and her obsession with sweet potatos (—Nuuuuuu Michelle!) I don't think I've laughed that hard in a very long time.

Back to Galway, our tourguide was the absolute best storyteller I've ever come across. He told us stories about Eugene Daily on the Titanic and the origin of the word Lynch and monkeys rescuing babies from fires. We ate lunch at this super cool tavern and Caellum bitched about Zoe for a while. We stopped by a little shop on the way back to the Castle that night and picked up some bits and bobs for snacks. On the bus, we decided it'd be a lovely idea to get Maya hyped on Gluc. So I did. And I went insane. I mean full on hyper, weird, crazy, screaming insane. It was very entertaining. So as we got back to the Castle ready to take showers, the guys thought it a lovely idea to lock themselves together in a bathroom for fifteen minutes talking about poop to prevent me from showering. Not five minutes after I get in the shower, Caellum is summoning me out for an "important meeting" which only turned out to be a gathering based on communally listening to the Cuil Theory. Worst eight minutes of my life. Later, we decided to play Catan, which was never finished and a lot more underwhelming than I wanted it to be. Everyone munched on Caellum and Conor's cheese minus myself because I thought it was tacky. I wasn't feelin' the people vibe and was extremely quiet and ready to cry myself to sleep. However, my lil' munchkin Emma turned my night around by letting us play with Play-Dough and eating chips with me and watching videos on my phone. Then, the Death Moth appeared. Emma thought it was a winged figure coming out of the shadows, so she screamed and then I screamed and we were a huge, loud, jittery mess. Eventually, we got Papa Kerr to get it out of the room so we could sleep in peace. And out we went—laughing is exhausting, anyway.

Day Three, or Thursday, was quite a long, fuckin' day. Think Cliffs of Moher and The Bhoirne in one day. Super fucking long. All I can distinctly remember is how much I seriously had to pee. Like, gee wiz, that was the most painful bus ride of my entire life. God bless Conor for being a good sport and helping me take my mind off it. I forget what we did for dinner, but I'm sure Brian whipped us up something fabulous. Later that night (as it would be our last night in the Castle before transferring to the Coach House), we thought it'd be a great idea to snuggle up in the Great Room surrounded by candlelight, telling ghost stories. It was freaky as fuck but honestly it may have been my favorite time so far on the trip. Mainly, it was Caellum reading off his phone, but his delivery really sold. Poor little Emma was spooked beyond belief and ended up crying a whole lot that night. I made her laugh, already half asleep, and apparently spent the next hour trying to calm her down. I was too tired to remember any of this, of course.

Day Four, or Friday, we had a wee bit of a sleep-in, thank God, but the ride to Cobh to see the Titanic exhibit took LITERALLY forever. Again, I had to hold my pee for far too long -_- The overall exhibit was pretty quick and underwhelming, although we got our own "tickets" and we were assigned real people. My name became Nellie O'Dwyer and Conor's was Martin Gallagher. I survived but he ended up dead, the poor thing. Soon after, Claire, Caellum, Sophia, Jimmy, Emma, Conor and myself decided to sprint up the steepest street I've ever come across in my life for some godforsaken reason. Turns out, us lucky seven got to visit a completely gorgeous, deserted church. It was massive with marble floors and stained glass and rose windows and tall columns. It was completely deserted apart from us and though none of us are strictly religious, I sorta felt like it was a very special, intimate moment we were all sharing. We proceeded to light candles upon our departure and left the place with a weird sort of glowy aura to us. Soon enough, it was time to get back for check-in. We made our way down some sketchy stairs—bumped into a cat on the way—and made a quick stop at Burger King cuz Emma had to pee. 

Our next stop would be Blarney Castle (which was absolutely gorgeous beyond compare, to say the least.) The mere size of the place was obscene and the grounds were just covered in trimmed grass and beautiful flora. Our very first experience with the castle was the dungeon caves. I kid you not—one of the coolest places I've probably ever been in my life. However, the entrances were tiny as fuck XD so everyone else was cussing me out while they struggled to wiggle through. Conor and I even managed to sneak a kiss down there after everybody else had left <3 We went on to explore some other caves before deciding to make the trek all the way up to the top of the ruins. An endless flight of steps and secret corridors and heaving breaths later, we finally made it to the top. Luckily, my fear of heights hadn't kicked in yet, so I was still just enjoying the view. I swear, you could see the whole world from up there. We were hurried along to kiss the Blarney stone which supposedly grants you the "Gift of Gab", which I already had, thank you very much. Besides, the whole ordeal involved being dangled upside down over who knows how many feet above ground, just to kiss some stone that could potentially give you Ebola. You never know. As we were making our way back down, Conor and I did a little more illegal smooching before heading downstairs and rejoining civilization. The rest of the evening entailed walking through a poison garden which harvested marijuana behind bars, just so you know. We were free to roam the grounds until, yet again, it was time to leave. Thank God we were on our way to food though cuz I was SO hungry at this point.

As promised, we went to Mortell's which was Brian's family restaurant. He fixed us up some burgers (which were to die for) in exchange for a swear jar/bucket/type thing. Basically, you had to pay everytime you added "like" or "um" to a sentence. I never had to pay a cent :) On our way out, though, we experienced a series of events. Firstly, Emmett won an armwrestling match against Brian's 20-year-old son. However, his hat later caught on fire, so I dunno what that says about him. And then, of course, another inside joke was birthed (—Oo, oo, oo, n*gga moon!) I don't even know how that happened, to be honest. The rest of the evening contained a series of laughter derived from the strangest things. I'm sure they made zero sense.

(The next few events are by no means in chronological order because my memory sucks and I didn't write the order of events down in time cuz I suck.)

OHMYGOD I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO MENTION THIS okay so. At some point during the week I actually cannot believe I forgot about this shame on me we had the greatest privilege to have professional TRAD musicians play for us in our cozy lil' castle :) For those of you who speak English, that just means we had 3 performers come to our castle to play traditional Irish folk music. I may or may not have shed many tears. I kid you not, all three of them were beyond talented and charming and lovely and I just wanted to wrap them up in a bow and take them home with me. I'm blanking on their names but each of them played with such passion... I just cannot remember ever seeing something as beautiful in my entire life. One of the last solos played, though, was a piece called "Nora" by the violinist, who used a looping pedal and some cool other toys to enhance his performance. My dearest friends, only those in the room can testify to the magic that occurred then and there. Before I knew it, tears ran in thick gobs down my cheeks and I hadn't noticed until a fat one landed on my arm. Claire and Sophia were about in the same state as I was, while everyone else just sat there—completely mesmerized.

Another lovely thing we got to experience was this charming little man by the name of Mike, decked out in full, traditional Irish attire. He was generous enough to come by the Coach House and tell us all stories—either general folklore and traditions, or even some of his own personal accounts. I'm not gonna lie, this man was just about the sweetest thing you've ever met. He told us about how Ireland was no big deal, how the Irish are proud of their heritage but their history has humbled them enough that they're not so exclusive about it; he told us about the Irish as a long line of alcoholics, of young girls destined to marry boys they'd never met; he sang us songs and told us never to lose our faith—for that faith is the only thing that's kept the Irish alive. Goodness gracious, I'm getting goosebumps just remembering this treasure of a person.

At some point or another, we were also able to make our way to Doolin to see the Folk Festival. In all honesty, I preferred the little coffeehouse performances a million times over the large, pub-like presentations. We sat among some others on the floor, and listened while this tragic beauty of a young man named Tiz McNamara gave a stunning performance. The poor guy has gone through one helluva stormy life, and yet he managed to perform the most intimate of songs to us—making us feel like we were a part of it, too. God, I just wanted to stand up and give him a hug. For some reason, I also distinctly remember sitting alone outside the little hub on a wooden bench, drenched in rain and surrounded by severely drunk Irishmen. The smell of cigarettes lingered in the air.

Towards the end of the week, we also got to experience the Banratty Castle, where (believe it or not) Caellum and Claire got named Lord and Lady for the evening. It was pretty cool. Basically, we attended the Madrigal Banquet, which essentially brings you back into medieval times and lets you eat all this really good food for dinner. Super duper fun. I'm sure C and Claire both had major inflated egos after the whole ordeal. This also has nothing to do with actual planned events, but at some point during my stay at the Coach House, I decided I super didn't wanna wear pants and so I ran back and forth down the upstairs hall, wearing nothing but a semi-long T-shirt. It was hella fun. You should try it sometime.

And thus terminated the beginning of our adventures. I don't think I was ever prepared to say goodbye.

..........

Special thanks to Declan, Brendan, Natalie, Brian and DENNIS for making our stay one we will never forget. I pray I get to go back someday. You were all such kind souls and we definitely didn't deserve you.

Hasta la proxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: You're welcome, Fonts.

P.P.S: If you're wondering what "Nora" sounded like, this was Eoghan's earlier version: Nora.