Amalgamation

Sup.

I haven't been able to write for months. I mean, I've tried. But I never ended up finishing any of the posts I meant to write and so I've been left with an amalgamation of sorts. I thought I'd share them anyway.

..........

It's been exactly one month since I turned twenty and one month since I last saw all my Vassar friends. It's been a month since I had possessions that existed outside of a carry-on suitcase and a month since things started to go downhill.

It's hard to believe that a month ago, I was still convinced I'd be going back to school in two weeks' time; that I'd spend a week touring Chicago with my a cappella group; that I'd get to go back to my room and spend quality time with Jessica, with Charlotte & Leila; that I'd get to crash Evan's room so we could blow out our very late birthday candles; that I'd finally be able to go on a real date with the guy I was trying not to crush on for months.

..........

Heya.

It's late, I know. 

Bit nauseous, bit of a headache. Can't seem to sleep. Just one of those nights, I suppose. 

I'm in a mood I think. There were excellent parts to this week and parts I wish I could forget. My anxiety's been real bad.

..........

Hi friends <3

I meant to write something in the month of October but it seemed to have escaped me. The days dragged on, each one feeling longer than the last. A blur of nightmares, skipped meals, and incomplete assignments. My friends are gems, though. We're all just trying to make it through. Only three weeks til home.

Rip so I wrote that weeks ago

..........

I dunno what's wrong. I mean I should know what's wrong. I'm pretty sure I know what's wrong. I haven't taken my meds for a week. That would do it. It wasn't exactly on purpose. I dunno. Maybe it was. Maybe I'm self-sabotaging again. Maybe my brain doesn't want me to succeed. 

I'm in the middle of a Dungeons and Dragons game at the moment. Should I be paying attention? Probably. I'm trying to. I want to. I also can't shake the need to violently vomit. Withdrawals, probably. Oh, and the Big Sads. That, too.

Being home is hard. It's a lot. It's knocked me down lower than I thought it would. I can't wait to go back home. Real home. School. Where my friends will be. Where I want to be. 

I want to be okay. I want my brain to stop scrambling. I want to feel okay in my body. I don't want to hate being alive. 

I'm trying my best to feel like an interesting person. Like I can be good at things. Like I might have talents. Like I might not be mediocre. The company I keep is hard to beat. Not that there's anything to beat. I'm proud of them. I appreciate them. I love them for who they are. I'm just not them. Or anywhere near them. I want to like myself. 

I'm so tired all the time. My body hurts all the time. I think it thinks I'm fighting a bear every day. Or getting hit by a bus. Or battling the flu. My bones hurt. My muscles ache. My head throbs. My stomach churns. Why do mental poisons seep so deeply into our bodies?

..........

Hi there darlings.

I know the holiday season can be extremely difficult for some of us. It certainly is for me. Whatever your reason may be, I want to make sure you know you are loved and cherished and cared for, if not by anyone else, then by you. Be your own best supporter this holiday season (it's also a-okay to ask for help when you need it.)

..........

It was so bad. The screaming just never stopped. I just wanted to have a good Christmas. A good anything, really. Family isn't supposed to cause you this much pain. It isn't it isn't it isn't. Only a little more and then I'll be home home again. 

..........

We broke up. It was the right choice.

..........

A civil war? In this economy?

..........

HEY BITCHES!

Things have been kinda... good lately? Food has been more stable and fun (I get to cook a lot of it) and my brothers have been nice to me which is unheard of. My dad's about the same but we've binge-watched a lot of shows with my brothers like His Dark Materials and Peaky Blinders and Ink Master. It's been nice. My cats have each slept in my room more so, yaknow, maybe they love me after all. LINNEA ADOPTED A DOG! AND SHE'S NAMING HIM MONET! LIKE A BALLER! And he's going to be my little nephew I am so excited. I started knitting again (thanks to Jessica crocheting boob triangles) and I started collaging again (thanks to an identity crisis.) Oh also JESSICA FINALLY GOT HER ROOM ASSIGNMENT AND SHE'S JUST DOWN THE HALL FROM ME I AM SO BEYOND EXCITED TO SQUEEZE THAT WOMAN AGAIN! And also we finally watched The Warriors (her and her dad's fave movie to watch together, so I think I'm part of the family now.) I'm hella fucking nervous for school to start again because I still don't have my class schedule ahahaha but hopefully the imposter syndrome stops getting to me and I'll actually feel like I belong at Vassar. Oh, and I've made tiktoks? I dunno, man... I'm a new woman or whatever.

..........

Aaaaaand that concludes all the things I meant to write but never finished (minus the Thanksgiving and New Years' posts, those will have to wait.) I know it's not much but I guess you can at least see the progression of my different mental states or something? Wack. Anyway.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Love in the Time of Corona

I don't know what I'm trying to write.

Nothing I could ever write would heal this kind of hurt. And yet here I am trying to make some sense of it all. Or maybe not make sense of it, just... I dunno. Throw my thoughts into the void.

Everything has happened so fast. Two weeks ago, we all happily left for spring break without a care in the world. Some of us came prepared for the worst, others did not. I have attempted to take every step with grace, but have not been so successful. First, the rumors. Then memes, warnings, emails followed. News headlines flashing COVID-19, Coronavirus, Global Pandemic. It just doesn't go away. Hasn't gone away. Week two in self-quarantine trying to keep clean, trying to keep sane, trying to make the aches of missing you all go away.

I think I told myself to write this as an attempt to journal my way through the outbreak. People kept journals during the World Wars, during the Great Depression, during the Spanish Influenza—why should this be any different? Our world is at war with a virus we don't yet know how to beat. It's perhaps our scariest enemy yet. And while I don't think it productive to fall into a complete state of panic, people need to do better. Wash your hands. Stay home. Practice social distancing. Remain six feet apart. Don't hoard supplies. Be a decent fucking human being. We are all hurting. We are all scared. At least be kind.

Things are scary right now. They are. Between trying to navigate the transition to online classes, to figuring out where I was gonna live, to making sure my parents were safe, to scrubbing my hands raw, to battling with loneliness in isolation, to wondering what I'm gonna do when my medication runs out, to attempting to function at all like a regular human being... It just... It's a lot. I've been fortunate enough to be able to stay with Linnea's family in MA for the time being. YD is doing the same with a friend from RISD. Javi and Mami are stuck in the DR apartment. My dad is in VT working the frontlines every day as a retail employee at a pharmacy. Talk about modern-day soldiers.

There has been so much uncertainty and so much distress on all fronts. So much is out of our control. I've tried focusing on the little tiny baby things I do have control over (like eating and sleeping, showering and brushing my teeth, going for a walk or at least looking out the window) and yet I still can't seem to do them all enough. Evan's been pushing me to stay on top of it. Linnea's been trying to keep me sane. Vassar students everywhere are scrambling—for their belongings, their GPAs, their friends, their canceled graduations. Professors and administration can barely keep up with the ever-changing news. Entire states are being shut down left and right. Outside feels like a ghost town. Still, the only way out is through.

When things are scary and frightening and uneasy and unknown, I find it comforting to revel in the small things. Like raspberry jam on toast. And crossword puzzles. A weighted blanket for bed. Hamster feet. Hugs of every kind. Facetime. Fun-filled pasta. Rediscovering club penguin. Cooking dinner together. Puppy licks. Disney movies. Children's books. A hot shower. Solitude at 3am. Plants that continue to grow despite it all. I am so lucky to be cared for and healthy and safe. Not everyone can say the same.

Please be kind to yourselves and each other. The world has needed tenderness for some time now. Give it to her.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya 

Existential & Twenty

Hello, my dears. I am feeling a bit sleepy so I'll try to keep this short.

On Friday, yours truly turned twenty years old. Two zero. Absurd, if you ask me.

Of course, I had all sorts of trepidations about leaving my teen years and no matter how much Evan tried to console me by saying it's just another number and it doesn't even matter what age I am so long as I stay myself, I had doubts. It's only been like three days and surely I feel just the same except for the fact that I don't qualify as a teenager anymore. Which means I'm not a child. Which means I'm an adult. And I kind of hate that.

When you're an adult, people start to expect things from you. How to behave, how to talk, how to dress. Manners, diligence, resourcefulness. Children look up to you. You accumulate responsibilities. And you're expected to do all this knowingly without a moment's notice. Now, of course I know most adults do not, in fact, have their shit together and tend to scramble and make mistakes and flounder and ask for help and make more mistakes and fail over and over again. That all just seems a bit scary to me.

I know more adult-y adults will always be around to help but what if you don't even know where to begin? Surely every other twenty-year-old on the planet felt more capable than I when their birthdays came about. Am I the only one who spent an inordinate amount of time mourning their adolescence? Is there anything there to even mourn? Then again, I've always been quite the existential creature and have felt the weight of the world at every age.

I think in some ways, I have my shit together more than most other newly-twenties; in other ways, I feel like everyone else was given an instructional pamphlet and I was given a coloring book.

I can really feel the sleep hitting now...

I'm kind of excited for this new decade but I'm also kind of wondering who thought it a good idea to let me be in charge of things. I'm still just a freshman in college but I know for a fact this time will fly by and before I know it, I'll be an even adultier adult with a life and a job and more bills to pay.

I guess I'm just scared because all I've ever wanted was stability. I'd be content if nothing exciting happened to me for the rest of my life because more often than not, excitement has brought along its fair share of tragedy and I've never been able to escape it. I want to be happy in my uneventful, stable, healthy, routine, comfortable life. I want a roof over my head and food at the table and health for me and my loved ones. Everything else would just be a bonus.

I think things will be okay. I think they will. I'm optimistic and hopeful enough, I'm just tired of fighting sometimes. And tired of being awake. But good things can happen when I'm awake so I'll keep waking up.

Sweet dreams, friends <3

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Perhaps the First Good Year

Once again, I'm the worst. To be fair, though, this time I didn't have internet on the day it was meant to be posted sooooo.......... Pretend this was posted on December 31st lmao XD

You won't even believe it but this year was the beginning of good news. Good news! For me! That hasn't happened for me in years, and that is not an exaggeration. Anyhow, this post was a lot more fun to write this time because it wasn't the same old depressing bullshit. At least for the most part.

1. What did you do in 2019 that you'd never done before?

Hmm, I'm trying to remember... Oh right. I FINISHED MY FIRST EVER FULL SEMESTER OF COLLEGE!!! FUCK YEAH!!! I also became a waitress for the first time, got fired for the first time (from that same job lol), became a dogwalker and a babysitter simultaneously, initiated my first ever breakup (that's huge for me, I've never been the one to initiate the split), I learned how to cartwheel, how to change a tire, I had my first ever successful hookup, I stood up to men who thought they could get away with treating me condescendingly and coercively, I performed in community theatre for the first time, I adopted KITTIES!, I became the primary caretaker/financial supporter in my household for a period of time, I experienced hunger, I overcame said hunger along with a bunch of other challenges and now I am here :)

2. Did you keep your New Years Resolutions and will you make more for next year?

I think I remember saying all I wanted for myself was self-compassion. It wasn't always easy but dear God, I think I finally am starting to get the hang of it. Next year, I want to continue on that track but also try to develop some more healthy day-to-day routines. Nothing should be more of a priority than my health.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My cousin Alex and his wife Chelsea had their first child together, Xander, and he's the cutest little nugget there ever was. Also, WE ADOPTED TWO INSANELY CRAZY AND ADORABLE CATS AND I'M OVER THE MOON ABOUT IT.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Mike Meads was in the year below me and even though I'd never been close to him, his death was unexpected and tragic and hurt many lives. Then Mary Oliver, Luke Perry, and Cameron Boyce, other untimely tragedies that shook my soul more than I thought they would. It was also the first anniversary of Titi's death. That was hard.

5. What countries did you visit?

US and DR, baby. I'm a predictable bitch.

6. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019?

I think just more financial security and the ability to find consistent routines that work for me.

7. What dates from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

January 5th. Send in college apps.
January 6th. YD goes to Rome.
January 22nd. First day waitressing.
February 9th. Visit Evan and Linnea <3
February 11th. First (initiated) breakup.
February 14th. Margaritowlville!
February 16th. Freaky Friday.
February 23rd. Meet Noah!
March 6th. Last teen year.
March 9th. Into the Spiderverse.
March 17th. Doña Flor y Sus Dos Maridos.
April 1st. Vassar says yes!
April 5th. NEWSIES.
April 11th. First time getting fired :/
April 20th. Dogsit for Shea.
April 24th. Hadestown <3
April 25th. Change a tire.
May 5th. Seussical.
May 10th. Les Mis.
May 18th. Nat's Dance Recital!
May 26th. Babies' graduation!
May 27th. Brunch Reunion w/ Fonts, Claire & Clara.
June 8th. Minigolf with CJ, NJ + Matt.
June 14th. WIFE!!!
June 21st. Whose Live Is It Anyway w/ The Martins.
June 30. Pride with Kota.
July 6th. RIP Cameron Boyce <3
July 12th. Spiderman: Far From Home.
July 30th. Marshland Conservancy.
August 6th. Kitty Adoption Day!
August 22nd. Vassar Round 2.
August 30th. Titi <3
September 15th. Owl Sing-Ins!
October 10th. Still.
October 11th. The Flick.
October 31st. O'Hysteria.
November 13th. Summertime/Wintertime.
November 22nd. Safe Hands.
November 23rd. Nina.
December 4th. Fun Home.
December 12th. Owls Final Concert.
December 14th. Beats Final Concert.
December 19th. Beats Suite Christmas.
December 20th. Return to the island.
December 21st. The Big Chop.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I somehow managed to make myself my number 1 priority. It didn't always work and there definitely were times where I had to put my family first but at least I didn't fall into the trap of needing a companion to get me through it all. I was there to get me through it all. I was capable and strong and determined and I was enough.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I don't really like to think of anything as a failure because from our mistakes, we learn. I would have liked to continue and get through my Fundamentals of Music class, but ultimately I made the right decision in withdrawing. It was sucking up all my energy and time and was wrecking my mental health so I'm glad I let it go.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Oh goodness, my immune system has never been the strongest and after working so closely with kids so often, you pick up all their gross little germs. Needless to say, I was pretty consistently sick for about half of this year. Finished the year off with a month and a half long bout of bronchitis :)

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Tickets to Hadestown. Wouldn't have traded them for the world.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My usual go-to's, Linnea and Evan—I seriously don't know what I'd do without them; my cousin Natasha who is the older sister I never had; Papi for breaking the cycle that had been eating at him for the past five years; and my lovely roommate Jessica, who made coming back to school the most fun ever.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?

So many people in power. It's nauseating, really.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Groceries, rent, medical bills. That's what life as a real adult is like.

15. What did you get really, really excited about?

Seeing Hadestown with my dad as our joint birthday present :) Performing Newsies with a cast of unbelievably amazing people. Adopting two precious kitties <3 Rejoining the path of college education. Getting to sing with my Night Owls once more. Watching professional-grade theatre for free because my college's drama department slaps. The new Dominican food place down the street from my dorm.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2019?

Señorita by Camila Cabello & Shawn Mendes
Old Town Road by Lil Nas X
I BEEN BORN AGAIN by BROCKHAMPTON
bad guy by Billie Eilish
7 rings by Ariana Grande
Sucker by Jonas Brothers
Lights Up by Harry Styles
Dancing With a Stranger by Sam Smith ft Normani
Circles by Post Malone
If I Can't Have You by Shawn Mendes
Dance Monkey by Tones and I
Juice by Lizzo
bury a friend by Billie Eilish
break up with your girlfriend, im bored by Ariana Grande
DDU-DU DDU-DU by BLACKPINK
Beautiful People by Ed Sheeran
Watermelon Sugar by Harry Styles
Cool by Jonas Brothers
BOY BYE by BROCKHAMPTON
Tempo by Lizzo ft Missy Elliot
Movement by Hozier
2 by H.E.R.
Greedy by Ariana Grande
Earth by Lil Dicky
Nightmare by Halsey
Kill This Love by BLACKPINK
Con Calma by Daddy Yankee
Back Pocket by Vulfpeck
365 by Zedd ft Katy Perry
Boys by Lizzo
bloodline by Ariana Grande
Exactly How I Feel by Lizzo ft Gucci Mane
Grow As We Go by Ben Platt
NO HALO by BROCKHAMPTON
i'm so tired by Lauv ft Troye Sivan
Truth Hurts by Lizzo
Funky Duck by Vulfpeck
MONOPOLY by Ariana Grande ft Victoria Monét
Mount Everest by Labrinth
Level Up by Ciara
Go DJ by KAYTRANADA ft SiR
The Box by Roddy Rich
thank u, next by Ariana Grande
Down Bad by Dreamville ft JID, J. Cole, EARTHGANG, Young Nudy
Need It by KAYTRANADA ft Masego
Solita by Kali Uchis
Fred Astaire by Jukebox The Ghost
Que Calor by Major Lazer ft J Balvin & El Alfa
All For Us by Labrinth ft Zendaya
Narcos by Migos
MALAMENTE by ROSALIA
151 Rum by JID
Hold Up by Beyoncé
Stop Your Crying by Lake Street Drive
Trampoline by SHAED ft ZAYN
River by Leon Bridges
i love you by Billie Eilish
Obsessed by Mariah Carey
Hey DJ by CNCO ft Yandel
Undrunk by FLETCHER
Teeth by 5 Seconds of Summer
hot girl bummer by blackbear
16 shots by Steffon Don
Lalala by Y2K, bbno$
Callaita by Bad Bunny ft Tainy
Don't Call Me Angel by Ariana Grande, Miley Cyrus ft Lana del Rey
California Dreamin' by The Mamas & The Papas
Jailbreak the Tesla by Injury Reserve by Aminé
I THINK by Tyler, The Creator
715 Creeks by Bon Iver
Good Kisser by Lake Street Drive
My Type by Saweetie
Jesus Is The One (I Got Depression) by Zack Fox, Kenny Beats

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

(a) Definitely happier. Without a doubt.
(b) Probably fatter lol Gaining muscle is exhausting.
(c) I think richer but it certainly doesn't feel like it what with all the adulting.

18. What do you wish you had done more of?

Enjoying the moment. Feeling confident in my abilities. Writing.

19. What do you wish you had done less of?

It may come as no surprise to you but worrying. It's time-consuming and unnecessary. Things work out in the end, not always the way we want them to but they do.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Uneventfully at my mom's apartment in DR surrounded by my fam.

21. Did you fall in love in 2019?

I'd like to say I learned how to fall in love with myself.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Where do I even start? Here are the ones that come to mind:

Dead to Me
Derry Girls
Scrubs
Riverdale
Friends (I watched all 10 seasons in about three weeks oops)
Euphoria
Barry
His Dark Materials
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
Queer Eye
Stranger Things (duh)
The Act
Schitt's Creek

23. Do you hate someone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Ooooooof sometimes men as a whole make me real mad. I'll just leave that there.

24. What was the best book you read?

I'm forgetting which books I read this year and which I read last year so I'm hoping these are accurate? I think it was a pretty good year for reading :)

Beautiful Broken Things
My Heart and Other Black Holes
Zac & Mia
Reincarnation Blues
Prince Charming
The Sun is Also A Star
Milk & Honey
Rainbow in the Cloud
Gmorning Gnight
Real Women Have Curves
Make Your Home Among Strangers
The Farming of Bones
Where the Crawdads Sing
The Sun & Her Flowers

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Ben Platt's Sing Me To Sleep
KATRANADA's BUBBA
Harry Styles's Fine Line
Ariana Grande's thank u, next
BROCKHAMPTON's GINGER
Fun Home Soundtrack
Hadestown Soundtrack
Vanara the Musical Soundtrack

26. What did you want and get?

A speck of stability which I didn't ever think I'd get in the next few years.

27. What did you want and not get?

Inner family peace but we're working on it.

28. What was your favorite film of the year?

As always, there is never one single answer:

Avengers: Endgame
Joker
The Lighthouse
Spiderman: Far From Home
Captain Marvel
The Lion King
Little
Always Be My Maybe
Downton Abbey
After (lmaoooooo)
Let It Snow
Klaus <3

I have yet to see:

Hustlers
Rocketman
Aladdin
Judy
The Two Popes
Good Boys
Honeyland
Peanut Butter Falcon
booksmart
Toy Story 4
Missing Link

29. What is one thing that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Quality time with my dad, my brothers, Natasha, the kitties... And getting beyond lucky when it came to my sweet hallmates and roommate :)

30. How would you describe your fashion concept in 2019?

Comfy girl-next-door

31. What kept you sane?

ASMR. Kiddos. My best friends.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Wow um cool if Hunter Shafer wants to accept my hand in marriage, I would be over the moon <3 Then again, I've got my usual suspects: Zendaya, Tom Holland, Ana de Armas, Lana Condor, Noah Centineo, Joey King, Cole Sprouse, Billie Eilish, Reeve Carney, Eva Noblezada, Ben Platt, Harry Styles, and of course, Lizzo.

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

Sigh. 2019 was not unique in its growing cases of hate and violence. Between the mass shootings, the numerous cases of transphobia, islamophobia, and anti-semitism, the blatant acts of terrorism, raging fires, families being separated and children being put in cages... I just have no words. It is each and every one of our responsibility to be better. This world cannot improve on its own—it is imperative that we step in and make every little tiny difference we can.

34. Who do you miss?

My mom. Suki. My grandparents. My brothers. Phoenix and Scout. Evan & Linnea.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019.

You have courage made of steel, babe. You are made of bravery and determination and perseverance. You are made of stars and exploding galaxies and the Sun and the Moon. There is absolutely nothing you can't do if you put your mind to it. I have every faith that you will succeed. I love you I love you I love you.

36. Quote a song lyrics that sums up your year:

"Woo girl, need to kick off your shoes
Got to take a deep breath, time to focus on you
All the big fights, long nights that you been through
I got a bottle of Tequila I been saving for you
Boss up and change your life
You can have it all, no sacrifice
I know he did you wrong, we can make it right
So go and let it all hang out tonight"

"Good as Hell" by Lizzo

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: Happy Birthday a billion days late Maeve, my dear <3

The Longest I've Ever Stayed

I've been meaning to post this for a hella long time but I got caught up in things. oops...

As of last week, it would have been exactly two years since I left Vassar. So, technically speaking, this is the longest I've stayed at college ever. Like ever ever. And I dunno, I'm pretty proud of that :)

We're already more than halfway through the semester so I have quite a bit to catch you up on (I promise I'll try to be as brief as I can possibly stand.)

First, maybe I'll introduce you to some people:

Jessica is my roommate. My crazy, demented, neurotic, hilarious, brilliant, talented, kindhearted roommate. Living with her is such a blessing. I seriously could not pick two more opposite people in terms of interests, but holy shit do our living habits coincide. Some highlights of our roommate arrangement: the time Jessica spent 45 minutes recounting the entire plot of Shrek to us; the time Jessica baked two entire pies from scratch for our fellow group; the time I lit a candle that made our room smell like heaven on earth; the time we taught Garret how to put on a bra; the time Jessica got us both pumpkins and we named them Linus and Jackie (short for Ja-que-line); the time we both got high off of eating too many corn dogs and proceeded to cry-laugh for two straight hours; the time we accidentally almost watched porn in the Deece; the time we got caught up in gang shit; the time we both were avoiding contact with a certain boy; the time JESSICA BROUGHT BACK A RICE COOKER (now we can make rice in our room anytime we want woohoo). Anyway, you get the picture.

Gabby is our student fellow (at Vassar, they're basically our RA's except they can't get us into trouble, they're just there to look out for us and be our mentors and such). Gabby is a riot and a half. Beautiful, hilarious, loving, talented, avocado-bearing mother. She's been such a great help and is always such a joy to see around. Much love mom!!! xoxo

Our hallmates (otherwise known as our fellow group) are Charlotte, Leila, Garret, Miles, Robin, and Sara. Every single one of them is so wonderfully unique and silly in their own way. Jessica and I truly lucked out. These peeps are simply the greatest. (To prove to you how freaking much we love each other, we've decided entirely by our own free will that we want to have group dinners on Saturday nights).

Then we've got our newest Owl babies!!! Our nest was joined this year by Madison (love of my life), Eloise (witty queen), and Cameron (genuine goddess). The three of them have been such a lovely addition to the group and their voices are so gorgeous they make me *cry*

Of course, I've still been seeing a lot of Linnea and Evan though it's almost as if we're living in different hemispheres half the time. Schedules are some total bullshit. (I love that I've become an honorary member of the Beats suite—where Linnea lives with Juliana and Martin—because I get full access to a WHOLE ASS PUPPER AND HAMSTER!)

Speaking of schedules tho, I've had a pretty rad semester. Like, luck doesn't even cut it when it comes to how amazing my schedule turned out. I'm taking all classes I ADORE. Among them, I get to go to the gym and get credit, I get to learn special behind the scenes effects that go into theatre, I get to put on mini play productions every single week, I get to work my ass off learning music theory, and I get to ramble to my heart's content about intersectional feminism in Latin America. I could not be more hecking blessed.

My advisor Maria is in the History department (lmao) but she has been such a great help to me in figuring out what I want to do and which paths I'd like to take. Alongside her, I have to credit MaryJo (the head of the educational opportunity and accessibility office) who kept me from drowning underwater and to my therapist Barbara for keeping me afloat. Without them, I'd be so fucking lost. Like, without a doubt.

Oh! And guess what else? I love my job! For work-study, I work at the local nursery school and it is truly the most fun, rewarding, exhausting job I have ever had. I am so lucky to be there and to be learning from some of the most devoted and brilliant teachers in the school.

I should 100% be asleep right now so I'm gonna try to wrap this up yikes

Overall, I am having one hell of a good time. All the things that could possibly have gone right for me this time, have. I'm not trying to jinx it or anything, but I dunno. This time around feels different. I feel so much more ready for college and everything ahead of me than ever before. I'm excited about what I'm doing, I'm excited about where I'm going. Things are finally looking up. Despite all the difficult things and everyday obstacles, I am finally capable of slaying the hell out of them. Before I know it, it'll be the end of this semester and we'll be reaching into the next one.

And once more, since I should very much be asleep right now, Carpe Noctum.

Hasta la próxima!

Much love xoxo

Maya

Maybe

Random prose written while listening to "ceiling full of stars" playlist on 8tracks. Thought I'd try my hand at some improv, who knows. Here goes:

..........

Hi I thought I would share this story with you.

Um.

Okay, well. 

We were running. And it was dark. Like late. And I could only see the back of her dress kicking up in the wind and my god she was beautiful.

It was late. I was cold but she wasn’t. She never was. She was always warm. She just radiated like that. We ran all the way to the bay. I wanted to keep running, go to the water, feel the rocks, pick up crabs, but she wanted to stop, so I did.

We stopped and I looked at her and she took my hand and I gasped because she felt like stars exploding a billion miles away. She laughed and so did I and we heard waves slink away into the sea. 

Her laugh sounded like wind chimes and sunshiney mornings.

She pulled me close. “Hey, you’re cold.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Uh huh.” She pulled me closer.

I wanted to stay like that. Stand there til the sun came up. Maybe she did too.

I wanted to sit there and tell her about why I like crabs and that sometimes the coldest mornings at the bay are the coolest and that she was just so unbelievably funny and how much I wanted to kiss her and that I wished we could just stay.

I wanted her to stay.

She tugged on my hand and I looked up at her. Her smile faltered. She knew it already.

“I know,” I said.

“I know you know. I’m sorry,” she said.

“Don’t be. I love you.”

“Don’t.”

“Okay.”

She sat down with tears in her eyes and kissed my hand. She loved me too, I knew it. She didn’t want to leave either, I knew it. She wanted to stay. Here. With me. 

“Don’t go.” I said.

“Don’t.” 

“Okay.”

I wish she was still here. I wish she’d tell me about what the sky is like over there. And why she doesn’t like crabs. And if she knows that her laugh sounds like wind chimes.

Maybe she’s still wearing that dress. I hope she is.

..........

I don't know what that was about really. But I feel like it's something that happened. Or could have happened. Who knows.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Vibes

Vibes
by Maya Wilson

You feel like jumping in puddles while wearing yellow rainboots.
You feel like extra gooey smores.
You feel like bare feet running through grass.
You feel like a pile of clean laundry that was left out so you snuggle and sleep on top of it.
You feel like when cats rub up against your legs.
You feel like the dust particles you see floating through sunbeams.
You feel like kids running along the shore with sand pails in their hands.
You feel like when a ladybug lands on your nose.
You feel like defrosting your feet by a fire.
You feel like big splashes and ocean waves and rustling leaves and butterfly kisses.
That's sort of what it's like.

..........

I wrote this poem over the summer for Kota, a very special human being <3

Enjoy your spooky October!

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

I Am

Hello hi hi hi I literally have two entire blogposts on hold that I started before this one (it has been impossible to come back to writing them for some reason) but the inspiration came to me (probably due to my own delirium) and I couldn't let it go #sorrynotsorry ;)

Anywayyyyy here's the piece I felt overwhelmingly compelled to write.

..........

I Am

by: Maya I. E. Wilson

I am not beauty, nor elegance, nor grace
Don't you dare speak my name
I am festering wounds
I am tumbling mouths
I am crumbs in the bedsheets, stale gum and plot holes
I am not softly falling rain
I am the hurricane
I am peppered on bruises
I am swollen tonsils and week-old stubble
I am talking hands and chipped nail polish and sand
I am sunburnt ego
I am too-large nose
I am too loud, too short, too proud
I am my mother's mistakes
I am my father's mistakes
I am above my past and I am forever grieving it
I am reaching for fireflies
I am making new histories
I am big, I am love, I am joy
I hold the entire world in my palms
I am the cracks on the sidewalk and the flowers that grow from them
I am freezing cold water and gasps for air
I am yearning for something that might not be there
I am not steady
I am not calm
I am not a product of everything wrong
I am kites flying high and piles of snow
I am not the rehearsal, I am the show
I am tuna melts and Yankee candles and pinky promises
I am tangles of ivy and Newport and clam chowder
I am frigid Novembers and colder Decembers and overweight Vermont turkeys
I am crackling knuckles and future arthritis
I am the dulce de leche my grandparents invited
I am the speeding sailboats and the swaying palm trees off the coast of California
I am the currents flowing through Río Ozama
I am the hymns from churches I've never been to
I am a New York sliced pizza and fights you've never been through
I am too scared of subways, too Hudson River,
too young and still too much of a giver
I am not the national anthem, I am not a prize to be won
I am the children's laughter at recess
I am the view from Pico Duarte
I am the unspoken progress
I am free time on a workday
I am the floors my mother slept on
I am the songs my father sang
I am my brothers' peace of mind
I am the help hotline you rang
I am the dream that never ended, the story always retold
I am terrified of staying, terrified of growing old

I am not fleeting, nor sudden, nor temporary.
I am present, ever constant, ever permanent.
Ever here.
Do not try to perfect me,
I am my own magnum opus.
You do not get to claim me.
I am not yours to be had.
I am mine and mine alone.
You got that?

..........

So I casually stayed up all night––it's currently 12pm (as in noon) and I have yet to fall asleep :-) I dunno, I felt this urgent call to write. Like, I just had to. It was gonna eat at me otherwise.

Would love to hear your thoughts <3

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S.: I'm reading this over right now and I don't know if it's the sleep deprivation but I am absolutely in love with it <3

My Extremely Riveting Life

Hi hi hi

So it's been a hot second since I last posted (was somewhat in a post-show depressive funk, as one does) but I just thought I'd ease your wild concerns and let you know that I've actually had some pretty cool things happen since the show ended.

I mean, their happening didn't really have anything to do with the show ending it just sorta coincided that way and just... Anyway.

I managed to read two entire horrifically depressing yet mildly uplifting books: My Heart & Other Black Holes as well as Beautiful Broken Things. In all honesty I preferred the latter. Felt a bit more realistic and was more about the complexities of teenaged friendship I guess? Good stuff.

I got to meet my uncle Joel's dogs and bring them to the dog park!!!

Also also also I managed to develop an extremely huge crush and have it squashed in three seconds flat so like that was super fun. It's okay though. I mean, I think it will be. I hope it will be. I still want us to be friends.

I got to spend time with my Newsies #yamily at a super yummy food place called Novelty Eats in the Bronx and also at our dear Matt's script reading for his new play. It was shockingly beautiful and truly something else.

Oh also I got to see Hadestown on Broadway with my dad as a joint birthday present for the two of us but that's something that I might need to reserve for a whole other post...

I finally got around to watching Christopher Robin because it happened to be on Netflix and I was not at all disappointed.

Got my first sunburn of the year over something really stupid.

Buying tickets for Avengers: Endgame was essential. We're watching it on Monday. Until then, zero spoilers or I will murder you.

I got to dogsit overnight at someone's apartment and it was such a cool experience. Shea the dog is such a fuckin cutie. I also get to dogwalk for this oldie Puggle named Chloe. Three times a week. It's a dream.

Other than that, I've really just been going to babysitting interviews (some involving some deeply overprotective and micromanaging parents...) and catching up on some annoying college financial aid stuff. The usual.

I think next week, me and my dad may attempt to go see my friend Ottavio's Seussical at his high school. He claims it's gonna be a disaster and a half, I think it's gonna be entertaining as hell. What can ya do.

OH! I ALMOST FORGOT!

I CHANGED MY FIRST EVER TIRE! AND DIAPER! BUT THE TIRE PART IS MORE IMPORTANT!

Lmao I mean I didn't really change the tire, my dad did, but I think it still counts. I helped elevate the car with the weird lever thingy and loosened the bolt things and held the new tire in place and tightened the other bolts and lowered the car again, etc. No big deal :)

Cool cool cool so that's been my update of the day.

Jesus, it's almost 2am. I seriously do not know how I keep doing this.

Anyhow, I love you all to pieces and I hope you get a daily dose of sunshine, metaphorical or not ;)

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Newsies Forever

Hi hi hi.

It's currently 1:30am and I have yet to go to bed. We only just got back from Newsies rehearsal a little while ago. Speaking of, the show is tomorrow (today technically) :) Three whole months of grueling work finally comes together in a live performance tomorrow evening and I could not be more excited. Like, yes, I'm fucking exhausted and I'm pretty sure I only have two functioning brain cells left, but also, this cast has worked so hard for so long and they deserve great things, including a sold out audience (which I'm pretty sure we're gonna have).

What's been so cool about this entire process is that we had no idea we would get here. My dad and I auditioned all the way back in January, knowing absolutely no one in the group and still pretty deep in our depressive slumps. Auditioning for this show was a way out. It was an opportunity to get us out of our shell and into the world, into meeting new and amazing people. And we did exactly that. This cast is full of some of the most humble, most kind and hardworking people I have ever met. Spending time with them each week has been a blessing. Now, we are mere hours away from our opening night and it has all come together (miraculously). We've celebrated at the end of each night this week with a group dance party––sweaty, disheveled and sore––but content, because at the end of the day, we're telling a story about overcoming the odds, and that's exactly what we've done. By the way, we put on a damn good show :)

My eyes are literally closing right now, partly due to fatigue, partly due to eyelash glue, but anyhow...

Chris, our director, has done such an amazing job of keeping the passion alive in this show. Passion is what drives the whole thing. Without it, the show collapses. Angelique, our choreographer, took people from all different dance backgrounds and made them somehow coordinated enough to perform difficult pieces in unison. Patrick, our sweet, kindhearted music director, gifted confidence to those who had never felt comfortable singing before. Anna, our stage manager, and Nico, our set and lighting designer, created simple yet captivating pieces that take us all the way back to 1899. Nicole, our photographer and resident mom, lent us her joyous enthusiasm and made sure we all looked good for the promo videos ;) Kelly, forever our #1 cheerleader, came to practically every rehearsal and got us through many late nights. Then of course there's my whole entire dysfunctional family of a cast.

Brian (Jack) and Jill (Hannah) who are our fearless leaders and also happen to be engaged (they're so cute together, I could die); the adults Robert (Pulitzer), Ahesha (Ms. Medda), Dennis (Mr. Jacobi), Joanie (Seitz), Eileen (Mz. Snyder), Drew (President Roosevelt), and my dad (Bunsen) who have zero clue what they're doing but make it work anyway; the eternal bromance, Matt (Finch) and Sean (Davey) who also happen to own falsettos unknown to any other person on the planet; my girls Frankie (Katherine), Victoria (Beauty), Amanda (Woman XD), Natalie (Tommy Girl) and Aleah (Beauty) who are the only source of femininity in this entire show and quite frankly are a breath of fresh air; then there's Jeffrey (Les), the thirteen-year-old who had us all convinced he was simultaneously eight and forty years old; my boys Justin (Newsie), Phil (Henry), Gino (Albert), Delon (Morris), Joseph (Elmer), Leo (Spot), Joey (Mush), David (Oscar), Maurice (Newsie), Brandon (Romeo), Danny A. (Newsie), and Marquis (Specs) who blow me away with their endless energy, talent, and dedication; the second bromance features my two beautiful boys Danny H (Bill) and Ottavio (Darcy) who light up an entire room just by being there; we have Torrey (Race) who happens to be in a long-term fiery relationship with Angelique and made the phrase "Not like this" unbelievably contagious; and last but not least, Chris-Action (not actually his name, but he played the character Action in West Side Story last fall and the name stuck even thought he hates it with every fiber of his being) playing the role of (Crutchie), and who also happens to be one of the most simultaneously dumb yet brilliant people I've ever met.

If you're still reading, I commend you because those were a lot of names to go through. I don't even know how I'M still here. Seriously. My eyelids are basically glued shut.

Sigh.

Point is, I love this cast very, very much and I can't believe I get to perform Newsies FIVE WHOLE TIMES with them!!! Like, that's just beyond awesome :) My family (Joel, Melissa, Natasha, John, & Gaby) is actually coming to see it this Saturday so that should be super awesome, especially seeing as most of them have never seen me or my dad perform live. Plus, LINNEA IS COMING TOO AND SHE IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE THE END.

I think my last brain cell just died so I'm gonna wrap this up and try not to trip and die on my way to bed.

Wish me luck and many broken legs for tomorrow y'all!

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Turning Tables

Fair warning: This entire post is covered in sap. Read at your own risk :-/

Growing up, you always thought of your older siblings as your sworn protectors—those fiercely heroic assholes who would do anything to keep you from harm. Or I mean, that's how I saw it anyway.

Of course, it's usually nothing like that. Fuck no, older siblings nine times outta ten are the ones to rat you out, to go out of their way to terrorize you and their greatest pleasure derives from your misery. Yan Diego was probably the #1 enemy throughout my childhood. But he was also my best friend. Things just worked out that way.

As young kids, we were inseparable. Mind you, I made sure to do everything exactly the way he did. I idolized him, much as it pains me to say it. And then he became a teenager and developed that repulsive thing we call teenaged angst. At that point, I'm pretty sure he no longer wanted anything to do with me, as one does. We had a rocky few years, indeed.

But something happened after the divorce. Or during, I guess. We couldn't turn to our parents for comfort anymore—we only had each other. Javier was too young. He had no clue what was going on. So YD and I sought each other out anytime our parents were acting unreasonable (which believe me, was more often than not.) That all started somewhere around three years ago, and ever since then we've maintained a pretty good run. I'm honestly so glad things turned out that way. I couldn't have gotten through it without him.

Anyway, much as Yan Diego lives for roasting me, he's always been there when it mattered. Like when me and my mom got into one of our most heated arguments to date, or when I'd woken up screaming from a sickening night terror, or when some boyfriend screwed me over in some way or another, or even all those years ago when I tried to end it all. He was always there. Yeah, not all of his help or advice worked every time but he sure damn tried. And it mattered a hell of a lot to me.

What no one ever really tells you is how much he needs you too.

Hell, he'll probably kill me for writing this post anyway...

YD's not really one to take things seriously most of the time. But when he does, he means it from the depths of his soul. We were having one of those rare heart to hearts earlier last year, I was helping him through some stuff and he actually called me his best friend. He can deny it all he wants but he's a fucking softie and he knows it. Like I said, he'll shit on me 24/7 but at the end of the day, he'll make sure I know I'm loved. I could never ask for anything more.

I was inspired to write this post based on a semi-hilarious thing that happened tonight. There I was, watching Riverdale and minding my own business when YD called me up all the way from Italy.

"Hey, what's up?"

"Maya, I am so high."

"Lol good for you dude."

"No, I'm like SO high."

He proceeded to ramble on about all his paranoid thoughts, stopping himself mid-sentence every other second, voicing all his concerns and extreme confusion. At times, I could hear his voice crack or his breath speed up.

"Take a sec to breathe, my dude."

"I'm trying but I can't."

I proceeded to scroll through my ever-growing photo gallery, searching for just the thing: a GIF of a geometrical shape, shrinking and expanding at a steady pace.

"Here, I'm gonna text you this thing and I want you to match your breathing to it. Can you do that?"

I sat there for a few moments as he opened it up and started breathing along with it. Bad highs are easier to get through when you've got somebody with you.

"Maya, I'm scared."

"I know you are but you're okay. Everything's fine and this'll be over soon," I reminded him.

We stayed on the phone for over an hour. I tried to make him laugh and then there'd be times where he'd shush me even when I wasn't saying anything. Or he'd be his old weird self and talk in funny voices only to freak himself out afterwards. Eventually, I got him to get sleepy and asked if he'd be alright going to bed now. He said yes, thanking me for being a good sister and telling me that he loved and missed me lots.

Granted, this time he may have been wickedly crossed but he still called me because he needed me. And I could've told him to go fuck himself and continued to watch Riverdale in peace for all I cared but I figured, "This dude has been there for me practically always, he deserves the same. Especially when it's 2am in Italy and the guy is high off his rockers." XD

I guess this was all just a long-winded way of saying your older siblings/mentors/senpais need your help too once in a while. Don't take them for granted.

Keep on keeping on, fam.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Late to the Game

Hi there, peeps.

As we're headed into Valentine's/Galentine's/Palentine's Day, I just wanted to fill you in on some shenanigans that I've been up to.

Firstly, I GOT TO VISIT MY VASSAR FAMILY THIS PAST WEEKEND AND IT WAS SUCH A HOOT HOLY MOLY I LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH I COULD CRY. I hadn't visited them properly in well over a year and it was way past due.

Seeing my roomie Linnea and her wonderfully aesthetic room as we ate greasy takeout and watched 2007's Hairspray was everything I live for. Then being able to take a late night stroll in the freezing cold with Evan the Loser (jk ily) brought back nostalgic memories (but he was currently dying of tuberculosis or some other horrific plague and I was dying of fatigue so we called it a night and went back to his room to dick around.) As the clock creeped up on half past 2am, we both decided I should kick myself out and go to bed back at Linnea's place. I zonked the heck out from all that laughing, I tell you...

The next day, Linnea and I FINALLY filmed the BFF tag (which we'd been planning on for over a year now) and I am just SO HYPED to actually put it up soon! Sidenote—I'd been meaning to start a YouTube channel since I was twelve years old but it just kinda never happened because prepubescent low self-esteem is a bitch and a half. Anyway. I think filming with my best friend gave me that extra vote of confidence I'd been looking for and I can proudly say I'm almost done editing it! (keep your eyes open for a link in the near future!) After that, Jacqui—my mama owl—scooped me up and took me to get the most amazing custard at BurgerFi, where we talked about what was new in our lives and such.

Thennnnnnn came one of the most exciting parts of my visit: I GOT TO SEE MY HOOTIN' FAMILY! I kinda forgot to mention that I was coming so there may have been a couple of screams as I opened the door... Being in that room simply filled me to the brim with joy and reminded me why I love Vassar and why I love music and why I love these people so very, very much. I got to meet this year's Owl babies––they are talented as HECK, mind you––and they were all just so sweet and welcoming and everything I could ever ask for. The next hour, I got to join in on their rehearsal and try to remember my Sop 1 parts (they weren't all butchered, I promise.) Sadly, then it was time for me to go and for Linnea to drive me back to the train station... But I left happier than I'd felt in a long while.

The only downside being I got the flu.

Or whatever plague Evan had from sitting in his germ-infested room so I didn't get to go to work for three days :/ I'm still recuperating but thankfully I think the worst is behind me. And to think I got the flu right at the end of flu season -_-

Secondly, over the past couples weeks, I had several realizations. Among them was the notion that I had the right to be happy and I did not deserve to feel stuck in my unhappiness. I had agency. I could do something about it. And so I did (with the help of my dad and some angel friends of mine.) I took it upon myself to initiate my first ever intentional break up. It was super hard seeing as I do care about him and will continue to care about him and his wellbeing, but it just wasn't right for us anymore and we both deserved better. So I set us free. And I feel so much lighter now.

In other news, I am returning to see my beautiful Owls tomorrow for their concert!!! (I also haven't been to an owl concert since I left, so it's definitely about time) I get to celebrate Valentine's Day surrounded by kickass music and friends whom I adore. How lucky I am <3

Another thing I've been late on––about twenty years too late, really––is finally getting around to watching Scrubs. Thanks to Fonts for threatening to end our friendship if I didn't watch it by the end of the week :) Me and my dad are enjoying it immensely, thank you very much.

Alrighty folks, I'm sure that's enough rambling for now. More updates soon to come.

Enjoy your evening and make sure to stay warm as the world freezes over!

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

College???

Wow it's been a while.

I know I meant to keep you updated but I sort of completely forgot because, well, college is hella busy.

Anyhow, I write to you from my current workstudy job as an office assistant (I literally do nothing but get paid for doing my homework, it's kinda great). Should I give you a rundown of the past three weeks? Yes? No? Oh whale, you're getting it anyway, enjoy :)

I moved into my lovely Hogwarts-esque home on August 17th, 2017. The day was blazing hot and busy and overwhelming and a mixture of emotions. I cried when leaving my dad and about a lot of other things but like it's chill I'm fine we're fine everything's fine.

International Orientation was SO BUSY but I loved practically every second of it. That's where I met many of my current friends, among them my Brazilian babe Juliana, our know-it-all Lebanese Honest Wipes Moe, Samira my Bengali cutie, Prat my Indian flower boy, my Singaporean goddess Githu, and Sara my Indian wife/lover. Needless to say, we had a lot of fun together (including our totally illegal party at the TAs in which I may have gotten excessively drunk but shh)

About five days later, the Americans came and not gonna lie, it felt like a fucking invasion. The good news is I finally got to see my lovely bubbly roomie, Linnea <3 (big props to you, my love, I flipping adore you and I can't wait to watch Newsies and make friendship bracelets with you tonight)

Regular orientation was, well, the opposite of fun. Far too packed and busy and excessive and redundant and overwhelming and no me gustó. (I skipped like 70% of the events because they were ew) The upside is I made a few new friends, among them Levi, who I can't describe as anything other than a literal cartoon character with the purest heart I've ever known; Pedro, a crazy combo of Brazil and Tennessee, Michael Gibb and Jon Snow; Anthony, a bleach blonde sass queen from Philly with some common Dominican roots and a music taste to die for; and finally Erica, my adorable Asian American pop punk pixie. I also met my current bitch (jk, I mean best friend), Evan. He likes to think he's Canadian but he's not. I mean, we became friends by mutually laughing over a loud ice machine so, I think I'm doing pretty well for myself XD Ethan, my student fellow (or as all you other plebs call it, RA) is essentially a 40-year-old man in the body of a 19-year-old and is a literal dad and has made my life infinitely easier and for that I couldn't be any more grateful.

In terms of classes, my favorite has gotta be Elementary Italian (we just sing and play games and watch funny videos and it's great.) My freshman seminar Greek Tragedy for Trauma is intense and covers a lot of intense topics but we have really incredible discussions so that's cool. Intro to Psych is exactly what you'd expect, fascinating but a lot of work. I haven't begun my music or education courses yet but I'm super excited to because the professors are supposed to be legends :)

Let's see, what else?

Oh! Well, a cappella auditions are today and tomorrow so I'm casually trying not to die from nerves :)

..........

WOW WOW WOW OKAY COOL THAT WAS ALL WRITTEN LIKE A MILLION YEARS AGO MY BAD LET'S MOVE ON

Soooooo update:

I had a meltdown the night before last and therefore skipped class because I was super sad because depression does that sometimes (thankyouthankyouthankyouevan youareincredible) but I STILL WENT TO WORK BECAUSE I AM A RESPONSIBLE ADULT.

After that, I shuffled my way through two a cappella auditions, the Vastards and the Night Owls, both of which I'd like to think went swimmingly. Feeling exhausted but jittery and slightly bored, Evan and I both went for a walk through the woods in the deadass of night and I kid you not, I could feel a thousand ticks crawling all over me. I hate bugs. So much.

Theeeen we came back to our humble abode, Cushing House, and decided it would be a wonderful idea to watch The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe <3 I can't tell you how sleepy I was after that (I think I fell asleep during the last twenty minutes—eating sour skittles does that to you.) It was all somewhat of a blur, I don't really know. The couch was comfy and I had stolen the entire blanket :)

This morning, I woke up around 11:30ish, realized I had an audition in exactly an hour, booked it to the basement in order to do my laundry, ran back upstairs to change into decent human being clothes, ran through my song a couple times, raced back downstairs to throw my laundry in the dryer before dashing all the way to Main for my audition.

Luckily, this was the group my student fellow, Ethan, was in. So right before I went in, he came out and gave me a hug and gave me the usual pep talk. In I walked and the group of hilariously awkward and amazing humans beamed at me while I shuffled back and forth. I think it went well.

Seeing as I hadn't eaten anything at this point, I hit up our dining hall (affectionately known as the Deece) to eat a total of three melon slices and a really sad banana. I sat with Evan, Levi, and these other girls Abby and Eva. Minutes later, I noticed I was running late for my Devils audition (lowkey my most important one) and so I ran the fuck outta that building only to leave my poor loving water bottle behind dun dun dunnnnnnnn

No worries, though. I called up my main bitch and asked him to bring it to me, which he very kindly did (I didn't realize until afterwards that he ran all the way to Rocky—where my audition was happening—just so I could have my water before my audition.)

I know I give you shit, dude, but you're a gem :)

Let's just say that audition was nerve-wracking as all heck but I kind of had an amazing time??? Anywho, I did one more audition for a group called BAM! before Evan and I had to walk back to the Deece just so I could get real food this time. The time in between is kinda faded to me at the moment but I think we walked back to Cushing so we could catch up on homework (until Evan proceeded to have an existential crisis but oh whale he's fine now).

Bla bla bla time passes, I take excessive notes for my Intro Psych class, Evan bitches about his freshman seminar that he desperately wants to drop, and then I check my email and I get a callback.

And then another one.

And another one.

And another.

Until I get emails back from all five groups I auditioned for and could not feel any happier :)

So it looks like I have many callback thingys to attend tomorrow and I'll know which groups have officially accepted me by tomorrow night! Much excite.

Other interesting things that have happened in no particular order:

Some kid on my hall has a bird named Harpo that he takes with him everywhere and he's kind of really popular.

I've had dangerously painful laugh attacks just about every single day I've been here and I don't know how to feel about it.

I had to deal with an extremely not fun stalking situation but not to worry, it is dealt with and I am safe and okay and I had incredible friends to help me through it <3

I haven't broken out the pajamas-to-class look yet so GO MAYA!

I licked a battery. Odds is not a fun game.

My best drunken conversation occurred lying atop a bridge.

I trespassed a nursery school after hours to get into their playground.

I FINALLY PUT MY MATTRESS TOPPER UNDER MY COVERS IT WAS DRIVING ME CRAZY

Someone in Main dorm pooped their pants and left it in the shower to rot.

We had our first shower sex scandal of the year on the second floor.

Late night ice cream is the best ice cream.

I did many adult things like filling out documents and federal forms and stuff and I am proud of myself :)

I wrote words of encouragement on random white boards in the science building because it's all about spreading the love my dudes <3

The a cappella showcase gave me goosebumps it was so exciting ahhhhhhhhhh

I've seen so many deer and chipmunks and squirrels and dogs and birds and groundhogs here and I feel like a Disney princess *insert heart eyes*

I've gotten paper cuts on far too many occasions and it's pissing me off.

Aaaaaaaand I can't quite think of anything else currently so I'll get back to you if anything insane happens.

All in all, I flipping love this place, even though I'm just starting to get accustomed to it. I truly believe I made the right choice. At least for now. We'll see.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Today's the Day!

Hi friends :)

Well, after a good long seventeen years, the day is finally come.

Yep. Maya moves into college today.

I can barely believe it myself.

I feel like I've been looking forward to this moment for years now and I sort of don't know how to feel now that it's here.

Well, for one, I slept maybe a total of two good minutes last night before waking up and lying awake, unable to fall back asleep from anxiety.

I mean, don't get me wrong, Vassar is pretty much everything I've ever dreamed of and more. Heck, both my parents went there and that's how they met—simple as that. I guess it's just that growing up hearing infamous stories and the like built so many subconscious expectations in me that I'm having a hard time managing it.

Ughhh there are so many things I need to do and people to meet and things to unpack and stuff to buy and I am truly, truly excited but I'm also lowkey gonna shit myself so that's where I'm at, folks.

Anyhow, I've gotta get going here, chicuelos. The moving van summons my presence.

Will update you later on how it all pans out. Hopefully. Maybe. Probably not.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Present Positives :)

Hi friends!

I know it's been a while. I'm sorry, my bad. But anyway, I went back to my blog and read the last couple of entries and noticed an unbelievably depressing pattern. While I don't apologize for my writing—because I meant every last one of those words—I do apologize for the seemingly endless somber tone. The past few weeks, hell, the whole summer's been filled with challenges and ups and downs and bouts of depression and anxiety and things... HOWEVER. Considering I am done with work and finally have free time again, I thought I'd catch you up or something on all the not-so-awful things going on :) Sorry if this isn't exactly terribly important, I just thought my blog could use a change of tone.

First and foremost:

HAPPY 36TH BIRTHDAY, HARRY JAMES POTTER!!!

My dude is getting quite old if y'all hadn't noticed. (Daniel Radcliffe, on the other hand, is looking fine as ever *cue heart eyes*)

Okay okay okay where to start...

Well, as I mentioned, I no longer have to go to work and wake up at 6am and have no life so that is super great!!! Don't get me wrong, I love every last one of my precious girls but they were quite a handful and I found myself losing my voice for days at a time. Plus it's nice to be able to sleep in.

Mami's also been taking us to see "live" screened performances from London (I say "live" cuz of the timezone difference so it's not actually live by the time we get to see it but no matter). Over the past two weeks, I got to see The Old Vic's production of Twelfth Night (which holds a dear place in my heart seeing as it was the first Abbey production I was ever in) and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead. Let me just say, holy fucking hell, they are exactly the reason I want to pursue theater. Like, just the sheer dramaticism and boldness of the actors was so unbelievably hysterical and captivating UGH I was so in love <3 Now, Imma just gush about them for a bit so pay no mind.

Okay wow guys just wow wow wow so Twelfth Night was set in a more modern time and it was uber gender-bent and like it worked so flawlessly and seamlessly and their choice for music (live music, btw) was so perfect and well-executed and hysterical like the musicians had no lines but they were onstage almost all the time and would react to the stuff happening onstage and it was amazing and I loved it and I also freaking love the fact that they cast actors from all different places of the UK like they all had different accents and it made it all so much more interesting I dunno maybe that's just me but anywho I was so so so in love with the woman who played Viola like holy wow first of all the fact that they had so many POC in this show was SO AWESOME and just yay yay yay

End of Rant No.1

Now for Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead lemme just say that I HAD NO CLUE MY BABY DANIEL RADCLIFFE WAS GONNA BE IN IT like no one informed me of this??? I was not emotionally prepared??? And to top it all off, let me just point out that he played Rosencrantz, which was the exact role Gary Oldman played a bazillion years ago. Who's Gary Oldman, you say? Why no other than the man who played fucking SIRIUS BLACK!!! In other words, HARRY POTTER'S GODFATHER!!! In other words, Daniel Radcliffe was meant to play the part cuz his onset godfather played the part and both of them were literally perfect for the role like I cannot even begin to explain it to you like this show was just the perfect combination of hysterical and deep as shit holy wow like don't get me wrong it is incredibly existentialist and philosophical and complicated at times but as someone who highkey loves that stuff, it was unbelievable. I cried and laughed actual tears and found myself mesmerized time and time again by the sheer TALENT these actors brought to the stage. Probably one of my favorite shows to date.

End of Rant No.2

SO now that that's out of the way... I have more things to tell you! So as you may or may not know, I am attending my parent's alma mater in the fall and I am beyond excited for many many many reasons, reasons I shall list below:

1. Their theater program is AMAZING. Like, hands down, one of the best in the country for non-art schools.

2. I shall be taking Italian which I've wanted to learn since I was five years old.

3. I shall also be taking an introduction to Psychology and an introduction to Jazz Dance which I am beyond pumped for.

4. THEIR A CAPPELLA MIGHT AS WELL BE PROFESSIONAL LIKE HOLY SHIT I WOULD PAY GOOD MONEY TO WATCH THEM PERFORM BUT THE GOOD THING IS I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO

5. I plan on auditioning for one of said a cappella groups.

6. Weird as fuck coincidence, by random selection, I ended up being sorted into the same dorm my mom lived in when she was a student. And to prove that it's even more of a perfect match, people at the college affectionately call it the Hogwarts dorm. Like could this be any more ideal?

7. As of tomorrow, I can start applying for work study jobs which will be v great cuz I shall be v broke.

8. They have a brand new dining service this year which includes A FUCKING FOOD TRUCK like omg yes I 1000% approve.

9. I will be only about two hours away from my dad so I can see him more often than not :)

10. It's fucking gorgeous there and the people I've met so far are incredible and intelligent and hilarious and kind and cool and nonjudgemental and I am so in love with every aspect of this school. (Shoutout to my roomie, Linnea <3 This year's gonna be great!)

And of course many other reasons I can't even begin to list I can't wait to finally be hella gay 

In other news, Papi moved to a new apartment (or will move as of this Friday) and he finally has it all to himself and IT HAS A BATHTUB!!! Now, before you ask me why I'm so enthusiastic about the bathtub, please know that my apartment in DR is absent of one and I haven't been able to take a bubble bath in literally two years. Also know that I am a hygiene freak and a bath product enthusiast and enjoy all things that smell divine which is why I own an unnecessary amount of soaps and bath bombs and bath salts and such. EXCEPT I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO USE THEM UNTIL NOW. So life is great, my dudes, life is great.

Another thing I should probably mention is my newfound addiction to Say Yes To The Dress. Like, I already knew I was into it but I'd never actually binged it 'til this weekend. And let me just say that it is such an unbelievably feel good reality show like wow wow wow the bride's excitement and happiness is so contagious and I love every bit of it. Plus I find myself talking to the screen more than usual. Typically when I find a dress hideous beyond words but you know, it happens. (Shoutout to my new friend Ellie who has vowed to binge watch it with me when we get to college—I love you girl! Hugs and kisses for you!)

OTHER FUN UPDATE: after weeks and weeks and weeks of planning and rescheduling and conflicts and shit, I finally get to marathon Harry Potter with my bestie, Pri. Pizza and blankets and fuzzy socks will be involved so I am so beyond excited for tomorrow!

AND AND AND even though I promised myself to never watch Game of Thrones (didn't feel like giving into the hype, chafeel?) I am actually now in the middle of Season Two so fuck my life cuz it's like really good. Ugh.

Other thing I am super duper mega uber proud of: I have finished reading a total of 12 books this summer, all by my little self. I know, I am v shocked. If only if only I could read academic books that quickly... *sigh* Oh whale.

Let's see, let's see, what else? OH! Well, this weekend, the fam is headed to the beach except we're going to be camping there??? So that should be interesting. Let's just say I'm not much of a nature gal :P

I HAD A REALLY COOL DREAM ABOUT NARNIA LAST NIGHT BUT IT'D BE WAY TOO COMPLICATED TO EXPLAIN SO JUST TAKE MY WORD FOR IT

I am unbelievably excited for sweater weather, my guys. Like you have no idea. Summer here has been suffocating and I need me some chilly vibes.

Pinterest has been like my best friend that last couple of weeks and I'm afraid I'm turning into a middle-aged white woman.

My dog is also adorable. Thought you should know that.

If you are still reading this, I commend you and please know that I appreciate your soul very, very much. Best wishes to all you lovely pumpkins <3

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: Remember to drink water!!! Treat yourself as you would a small child!!!

Fragments of a Fragile Mind

The universe works in funny ways. Last week, things got a bit dark and fuzzy again.

If it weren't for my dearest friends, I don't know where I'd be.

Here are mere fragments of the things said, all from different conversations, bits and pieces of the state of mind.

The purpose was to show the scattered frenzy that I can become and ultimately, to show that you are not alone. The fact that I'm writing this right now proves that I was not alone, even if it felt that way.

I can assure you at this moment in time I am safe and okay.

Caution: May contain triggering content. If you are ever at risk, please get help. I beg of you.

..........

Sorry sorry

I feel sick

So many things happened

How can I not let that define me?

I was trying to be rhetorical, asshole

The sad part is I wanna try again...

Except I wanna succeed this time

I wanna hurt again

So fucking badly

I am so so sorry

I won't do anything tonight

But I cannot tell you how lovely dying sounds

How lovely slipping away sounds

I

I'm trying to be okay

Over and over again

I love you all so much it hurts but I can't tell you how much I want to die

I'm so fucking weak

But I can't get out of my head

You shouldn't love me

Fuck

I want to go

I want to go so badly

My head is pounding

So exhausted

But I'm all snot and tears and yucky

All I'm gonna dream about is dying and I'm scared

I'm sorry for keeping you up

I just feel so fucking lonely

Fucking hell

I just wanna be loved

I don't wanna be judged

I wanna be hugged and told that I matter

And fall asleep not hating myself

I want people to fucking give a shit about me

I don't want to disappear into nothingness

I want to hurt because I don't know how else to be okay

I want the outside to match the inside

Just

I just can't go to work

There's so much blood

I'm literally itching for sharp edges

I'm craving it holy fuck is this what addiction feels like?

I can feel the hurt in my chest, I can physically locate it

I don't even like blood

And how I could so easily drown myself there

It feels like there's this little parasite in my brain telling me that I want things that I don't really want

And I'm too tired to cry anymore

It's just been the worst night ever

Just know that I love you please

And I hope that you love me

But I cannot promise you that I won't try again

I'm sorry if I've failed you

I didn't mean to scare you I'm so sorry

Goddammit 

I just really want to not exist

And I can't bear to put you through another Rosie

I want to end it so bad

I feel like I'm suffocating

But I'm not actually sick

My head throbs

Please don't leave me

I feel lonely

Not your fault

And I couldn't think and my heart was literally ITCHING, like a mosquito bite but inside of me

And I kept scratching at my chest and trying to breathe but it was suffocating

I felt physically attacked

My head was pounding with a migraine. It still is.

And I just can never win ever

I am never right

I am never understood

I'm still in bed

I just feel so unaccepted here

I'm just so angry

I just feel bad

I haven't eaten since 7:30pm last night

I don't want this to get worse

Everything feels so foggy right now

My whole body feels heavy

I still can't get out of bed

I don't know

I'm sorry it's not like I meant to

I love you too

..........

Bless the hearts who endured with me through the early hours of the morning. I couldn't have done it without you.

Please know that I am home and safe and okay. As okay as I can be.

And again, please get help if you are in need of assistance. It is the best thing that will ever happen to you.

I love you all.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya