Insomnia Never Gets Old

 Been a while since I took to the blog to attempt to hack my insomnia. 

Honestly, it feels like I'm fourteen again, dreading nighttime because even though I may have been a bear in another life, I can't get my stupid human body to cooperate and go the fuck to sleep. I used to take melatonin for it but it always left me feeling groggy in the morning. Then years passed and one psychiatrist or another prescribed Trazodone, which I can only describe as horse tranquilizer. It knocked me out for a full twenty-four hours so I opted not to continue it. Thanks a lot for wasting an entire day of my life -_-

I stayed at my dad's last night 'cuz yesterday was his 57th birthday and Yan Diego and I wanted to celebrate it by going out to dinner, just the three of us. It was really nice. The bro and I split a chicken Milanese salad while my dad ordered a spinach-mushroom type risotto (which I obviously stole some bites of because DUH). After dinner, we all ventured off to buy beer except I forgot about the laws on selling alcohol after 8pm in most places, so a gas station selection would have to do. Papi and YD both chose their faves while I hung back; wasn't much feeling the need for alc. Then the sweetest man running the counter rang us up and handed me two lollipops (presumably because he thought I was underage and was feeling left out by not getting my own drinks). Now, I'm fully twenty-two years old and 10000000% could've legally bought my own if I wanted, but I'll take free lollipops any day.

We ended up taking the long way home (with my idiot brother pausing to pee behind a bush). Once we got back, I greeted Scout and Phoenix with high-pitched affection and sat down so we could begin watching The Batman (Edward Cullen version). The movie was A THOUSAND YEARS LONG but very worth it. Of course, it didn't help that I kept having to pause every thirty minutes so I could recap what was going on... At one point I even got Yan Diego to make me an entire bowl of mac 'n cheese while recapping. Overall, I thought it was genius, brilliantly written, designed, edited, acted, etc. It did give me wicked anxiety though because the villains felt all too realistic and the misogyny some of the characters faced felt a wee bit too relatable eeek

Then Papi went to bed and I spent the next hour forcing Yan Diego to watch trash Riverdale compilations on Youtube. His old ass called it around 3am ('cuz he's a working man and all) and so we went back upstairs to the room we share. He and I haven't shared a room since I was seven and he was ten. Now we're twenty-two and twenty-five, him having taken over my mattress while I'm at college, and me occupying the couch sectional in the corner. And I know it's not like we actually share a room anymore (I'm never usually home), but something about it felt safe and familiar and old. We spent our early childhoods in Queens, NY; what feels like lifetimes later, we're in Po-town, NY. Still sharing a room. It made me long for my childhood like an absolute blubbering sap. Because here I am, twenty-two and a junior in college, feeling as tired and aged as my eighty-somethin'-year-old grandparents. 

I miss writing for fun. To feel things. To make others feel. I miss reading for pleasure. And waking up refreshed without an alarm. I miss spending all day off my phone (because I didn't have one), not a care in the world. I don't want to pay bills. I don't want to file taxes. I don't want to have to remember meetings and rehearsals and appointments. I want to wake up whenever I feel, eat sugary cereal and watch Cyber Chase. Or sit sprawled across the floor with coloring utensils. Or balled up in a hammock reading the very first Harry Potter book. I miss chocolate milk mornings and Beatles for bedtime. I miss giggling in the backseat and having no knowledge of car accidents. I miss easy homework and imagination for days. I miss my little self. I know people are always saying there's no use fixating on the past but I didn't know how quickly mine would be ripped away from me. So I'm allowed to long.

I'd forgotten what writing on here felt like. Like never-ending flutters on a keyboard, letting my thoughts dictate whatever they fancied. I'd forgotten how... freeing? it feels to ramble uninterrupted, uncensored, and with no agenda. I don't even get to do that in therapy!

I'm still feeling nostalgic and I doubt I'll make it to bed at an appropriate time but here's to trying.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Existential & Twenty

Hello, my dears. I am feeling a bit sleepy so I'll try to keep this short.

On Friday, yours truly turned twenty years old. Two zero. Absurd, if you ask me.

Of course, I had all sorts of trepidations about leaving my teen years and no matter how much Evan tried to console me by saying it's just another number and it doesn't even matter what age I am so long as I stay myself, I had doubts. It's only been like three days and surely I feel just the same except for the fact that I don't qualify as a teenager anymore. Which means I'm not a child. Which means I'm an adult. And I kind of hate that.

When you're an adult, people start to expect things from you. How to behave, how to talk, how to dress. Manners, diligence, resourcefulness. Children look up to you. You accumulate responsibilities. And you're expected to do all this knowingly without a moment's notice. Now, of course I know most adults do not, in fact, have their shit together and tend to scramble and make mistakes and flounder and ask for help and make more mistakes and fail over and over again. That all just seems a bit scary to me.

I know more adult-y adults will always be around to help but what if you don't even know where to begin? Surely every other twenty-year-old on the planet felt more capable than I when their birthdays came about. Am I the only one who spent an inordinate amount of time mourning their adolescence? Is there anything there to even mourn? Then again, I've always been quite the existential creature and have felt the weight of the world at every age.

I think in some ways, I have my shit together more than most other newly-twenties; in other ways, I feel like everyone else was given an instructional pamphlet and I was given a coloring book.

I can really feel the sleep hitting now...

I'm kind of excited for this new decade but I'm also kind of wondering who thought it a good idea to let me be in charge of things. I'm still just a freshman in college but I know for a fact this time will fly by and before I know it, I'll be an even adultier adult with a life and a job and more bills to pay.

I guess I'm just scared because all I've ever wanted was stability. I'd be content if nothing exciting happened to me for the rest of my life because more often than not, excitement has brought along its fair share of tragedy and I've never been able to escape it. I want to be happy in my uneventful, stable, healthy, routine, comfortable life. I want a roof over my head and food at the table and health for me and my loved ones. Everything else would just be a bonus.

I think things will be okay. I think they will. I'm optimistic and hopeful enough, I'm just tired of fighting sometimes. And tired of being awake. But good things can happen when I'm awake so I'll keep waking up.

Sweet dreams, friends <3

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Shambles & Rambles

Hi friends.

It's currently 10pm on a Saturday night and I am writing this post since I finally have the time. I put the kids to bed two hours ago (not mine, relax) and finished cleaning up the dishes and wiping down the messy pizza counter.

Babysitting on a Saturday night the weekend before spring break isn't exactly the way I saw my plans going, but hey, the kids are adorable AND I get paid. We could all use a little more cash money.

Tomorrow will be the first of March and this next Friday I will be turning twenty years old.

Twenty, man. Two zero. That's fucking nuts.

Needless to say, I'm a little brain-scrambled considering this is my last full week as a teenager. God, even writing that makes me want to puke. I know life is all about living in the present and not dwelling on the past and enjoying every moment blablabla but it's terrifying to think twenty whole years of my life will have gone by.

On the one hand, I'm impressed. Not too long ago, Maya thought she wouldn't make it past eighteen. And here she is completing two decades of life. Wild. On the other hand, what the hell does one do when they're twenty? Do you magically learn how to file taxes? Do you take out a mortgage? Are you stuck with the same job for years or are you stuck in your parent's apartment for eternity? I know nobody ever really has it all figured out but like, I don't even know how to drive yet. Most kids my little brother's age are learning how to drive and sometimes I just feel kinda inadequate. Eh, I'll learn eventually.

February was kind of a trash month for everyone I know. Mercury in retrograde or whatever. Bad juju in the air. Fukú and whatnot. Anyhow, I'm hoping that since February has come to an end, March will provide a clean slate and restore balance to us all. It had better for me at least. It's my birthday month, after all.

Second week of break, the Owls and I are headed on tour to Chicago which will definitely merit a whole post of its own. I haven't been there since I was ten years old, man. It's been a while.

After coming back from break, we'll only have six weeks of school left. That's it. Six weeks and I will have finished my first whole year of college. Another feat I never thought I'd get to see. Then summer, then sophomore year. Insane.

I'm a little nervous because I don't have any summer jobs lined up yet for a number of reasons but I'm hopeful I'll make something work. I'm likeable and skilled enough, I suppose.

The room I'm currently sat in is freezing yet surprisingly cozy. I just wish I could smuggle a blanket in somewhere...

I know I talk about this a fuckton but I just have so many projects I want to work on and create. I just have to find the energy and motivation from somewhere first. It's getting there. At least I forced myself to write this post. Forcing myself to write at least makes me feel like I'm doing something.

In any case, my friends are wonderful and I love them so incredibly much because they put up with me even when I'm trash and am a little shit :) Y'all are the best, babes :*

There was no real point to this post other than explaining that I've had a pretty long four weeks and I'm looking forward to the next four. Yeah. I think that's it.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: MY PHONE CAMERA STARTED WORKING AGAIN AND I AM OVER THE MOON ABOUT IT I JUST KEEP TAKING PICTURES OF RANDOM SHIT YALL IT'S GREAT

Perhaps the First Good Year

Once again, I'm the worst. To be fair, though, this time I didn't have internet on the day it was meant to be posted sooooo.......... Pretend this was posted on December 31st lmao XD

You won't even believe it but this year was the beginning of good news. Good news! For me! That hasn't happened for me in years, and that is not an exaggeration. Anyhow, this post was a lot more fun to write this time because it wasn't the same old depressing bullshit. At least for the most part.

1. What did you do in 2019 that you'd never done before?

Hmm, I'm trying to remember... Oh right. I FINISHED MY FIRST EVER FULL SEMESTER OF COLLEGE!!! FUCK YEAH!!! I also became a waitress for the first time, got fired for the first time (from that same job lol), became a dogwalker and a babysitter simultaneously, initiated my first ever breakup (that's huge for me, I've never been the one to initiate the split), I learned how to cartwheel, how to change a tire, I had my first ever successful hookup, I stood up to men who thought they could get away with treating me condescendingly and coercively, I performed in community theatre for the first time, I adopted KITTIES!, I became the primary caretaker/financial supporter in my household for a period of time, I experienced hunger, I overcame said hunger along with a bunch of other challenges and now I am here :)

2. Did you keep your New Years Resolutions and will you make more for next year?

I think I remember saying all I wanted for myself was self-compassion. It wasn't always easy but dear God, I think I finally am starting to get the hang of it. Next year, I want to continue on that track but also try to develop some more healthy day-to-day routines. Nothing should be more of a priority than my health.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My cousin Alex and his wife Chelsea had their first child together, Xander, and he's the cutest little nugget there ever was. Also, WE ADOPTED TWO INSANELY CRAZY AND ADORABLE CATS AND I'M OVER THE MOON ABOUT IT.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Mike Meads was in the year below me and even though I'd never been close to him, his death was unexpected and tragic and hurt many lives. Then Mary Oliver, Luke Perry, and Cameron Boyce, other untimely tragedies that shook my soul more than I thought they would. It was also the first anniversary of Titi's death. That was hard.

5. What countries did you visit?

US and DR, baby. I'm a predictable bitch.

6. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019?

I think just more financial security and the ability to find consistent routines that work for me.

7. What dates from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

January 5th. Send in college apps.
January 6th. YD goes to Rome.
January 22nd. First day waitressing.
February 9th. Visit Evan and Linnea <3
February 11th. First (initiated) breakup.
February 14th. Margaritowlville!
February 16th. Freaky Friday.
February 23rd. Meet Noah!
March 6th. Last teen year.
March 9th. Into the Spiderverse.
March 17th. Doña Flor y Sus Dos Maridos.
April 1st. Vassar says yes!
April 5th. NEWSIES.
April 11th. First time getting fired :/
April 20th. Dogsit for Shea.
April 24th. Hadestown <3
April 25th. Change a tire.
May 5th. Seussical.
May 10th. Les Mis.
May 18th. Nat's Dance Recital!
May 26th. Babies' graduation!
May 27th. Brunch Reunion w/ Fonts, Claire & Clara.
June 8th. Minigolf with CJ, NJ + Matt.
June 14th. WIFE!!!
June 21st. Whose Live Is It Anyway w/ The Martins.
June 30. Pride with Kota.
July 6th. RIP Cameron Boyce <3
July 12th. Spiderman: Far From Home.
July 30th. Marshland Conservancy.
August 6th. Kitty Adoption Day!
August 22nd. Vassar Round 2.
August 30th. Titi <3
September 15th. Owl Sing-Ins!
October 10th. Still.
October 11th. The Flick.
October 31st. O'Hysteria.
November 13th. Summertime/Wintertime.
November 22nd. Safe Hands.
November 23rd. Nina.
December 4th. Fun Home.
December 12th. Owls Final Concert.
December 14th. Beats Final Concert.
December 19th. Beats Suite Christmas.
December 20th. Return to the island.
December 21st. The Big Chop.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I somehow managed to make myself my number 1 priority. It didn't always work and there definitely were times where I had to put my family first but at least I didn't fall into the trap of needing a companion to get me through it all. I was there to get me through it all. I was capable and strong and determined and I was enough.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I don't really like to think of anything as a failure because from our mistakes, we learn. I would have liked to continue and get through my Fundamentals of Music class, but ultimately I made the right decision in withdrawing. It was sucking up all my energy and time and was wrecking my mental health so I'm glad I let it go.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Oh goodness, my immune system has never been the strongest and after working so closely with kids so often, you pick up all their gross little germs. Needless to say, I was pretty consistently sick for about half of this year. Finished the year off with a month and a half long bout of bronchitis :)

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Tickets to Hadestown. Wouldn't have traded them for the world.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My usual go-to's, Linnea and Evan—I seriously don't know what I'd do without them; my cousin Natasha who is the older sister I never had; Papi for breaking the cycle that had been eating at him for the past five years; and my lovely roommate Jessica, who made coming back to school the most fun ever.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?

So many people in power. It's nauseating, really.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Groceries, rent, medical bills. That's what life as a real adult is like.

15. What did you get really, really excited about?

Seeing Hadestown with my dad as our joint birthday present :) Performing Newsies with a cast of unbelievably amazing people. Adopting two precious kitties <3 Rejoining the path of college education. Getting to sing with my Night Owls once more. Watching professional-grade theatre for free because my college's drama department slaps. The new Dominican food place down the street from my dorm.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2019?

Señorita by Camila Cabello & Shawn Mendes
Old Town Road by Lil Nas X
I BEEN BORN AGAIN by BROCKHAMPTON
bad guy by Billie Eilish
7 rings by Ariana Grande
Sucker by Jonas Brothers
Lights Up by Harry Styles
Dancing With a Stranger by Sam Smith ft Normani
Circles by Post Malone
If I Can't Have You by Shawn Mendes
Dance Monkey by Tones and I
Juice by Lizzo
bury a friend by Billie Eilish
break up with your girlfriend, im bored by Ariana Grande
DDU-DU DDU-DU by BLACKPINK
Beautiful People by Ed Sheeran
Watermelon Sugar by Harry Styles
Cool by Jonas Brothers
BOY BYE by BROCKHAMPTON
Tempo by Lizzo ft Missy Elliot
Movement by Hozier
2 by H.E.R.
Greedy by Ariana Grande
Earth by Lil Dicky
Nightmare by Halsey
Kill This Love by BLACKPINK
Con Calma by Daddy Yankee
Back Pocket by Vulfpeck
365 by Zedd ft Katy Perry
Boys by Lizzo
bloodline by Ariana Grande
Exactly How I Feel by Lizzo ft Gucci Mane
Grow As We Go by Ben Platt
NO HALO by BROCKHAMPTON
i'm so tired by Lauv ft Troye Sivan
Truth Hurts by Lizzo
Funky Duck by Vulfpeck
MONOPOLY by Ariana Grande ft Victoria Monét
Mount Everest by Labrinth
Level Up by Ciara
Go DJ by KAYTRANADA ft SiR
The Box by Roddy Rich
thank u, next by Ariana Grande
Down Bad by Dreamville ft JID, J. Cole, EARTHGANG, Young Nudy
Need It by KAYTRANADA ft Masego
Solita by Kali Uchis
Fred Astaire by Jukebox The Ghost
Que Calor by Major Lazer ft J Balvin & El Alfa
All For Us by Labrinth ft Zendaya
Narcos by Migos
MALAMENTE by ROSALIA
151 Rum by JID
Hold Up by Beyoncé
Stop Your Crying by Lake Street Drive
Trampoline by SHAED ft ZAYN
River by Leon Bridges
i love you by Billie Eilish
Obsessed by Mariah Carey
Hey DJ by CNCO ft Yandel
Undrunk by FLETCHER
Teeth by 5 Seconds of Summer
hot girl bummer by blackbear
16 shots by Steffon Don
Lalala by Y2K, bbno$
Callaita by Bad Bunny ft Tainy
Don't Call Me Angel by Ariana Grande, Miley Cyrus ft Lana del Rey
California Dreamin' by The Mamas & The Papas
Jailbreak the Tesla by Injury Reserve by Aminé
I THINK by Tyler, The Creator
715 Creeks by Bon Iver
Good Kisser by Lake Street Drive
My Type by Saweetie
Jesus Is The One (I Got Depression) by Zack Fox, Kenny Beats

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

(a) Definitely happier. Without a doubt.
(b) Probably fatter lol Gaining muscle is exhausting.
(c) I think richer but it certainly doesn't feel like it what with all the adulting.

18. What do you wish you had done more of?

Enjoying the moment. Feeling confident in my abilities. Writing.

19. What do you wish you had done less of?

It may come as no surprise to you but worrying. It's time-consuming and unnecessary. Things work out in the end, not always the way we want them to but they do.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Uneventfully at my mom's apartment in DR surrounded by my fam.

21. Did you fall in love in 2019?

I'd like to say I learned how to fall in love with myself.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Where do I even start? Here are the ones that come to mind:

Dead to Me
Derry Girls
Scrubs
Riverdale
Friends (I watched all 10 seasons in about three weeks oops)
Euphoria
Barry
His Dark Materials
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
Queer Eye
Stranger Things (duh)
The Act
Schitt's Creek

23. Do you hate someone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Ooooooof sometimes men as a whole make me real mad. I'll just leave that there.

24. What was the best book you read?

I'm forgetting which books I read this year and which I read last year so I'm hoping these are accurate? I think it was a pretty good year for reading :)

Beautiful Broken Things
My Heart and Other Black Holes
Zac & Mia
Reincarnation Blues
Prince Charming
The Sun is Also A Star
Milk & Honey
Rainbow in the Cloud
Gmorning Gnight
Real Women Have Curves
Make Your Home Among Strangers
The Farming of Bones
Where the Crawdads Sing
The Sun & Her Flowers

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Ben Platt's Sing Me To Sleep
KATRANADA's BUBBA
Harry Styles's Fine Line
Ariana Grande's thank u, next
BROCKHAMPTON's GINGER
Fun Home Soundtrack
Hadestown Soundtrack
Vanara the Musical Soundtrack

26. What did you want and get?

A speck of stability which I didn't ever think I'd get in the next few years.

27. What did you want and not get?

Inner family peace but we're working on it.

28. What was your favorite film of the year?

As always, there is never one single answer:

Avengers: Endgame
Joker
The Lighthouse
Spiderman: Far From Home
Captain Marvel
The Lion King
Little
Always Be My Maybe
Downton Abbey
After (lmaoooooo)
Let It Snow
Klaus <3

I have yet to see:

Hustlers
Rocketman
Aladdin
Judy
The Two Popes
Good Boys
Honeyland
Peanut Butter Falcon
booksmart
Toy Story 4
Missing Link

29. What is one thing that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Quality time with my dad, my brothers, Natasha, the kitties... And getting beyond lucky when it came to my sweet hallmates and roommate :)

30. How would you describe your fashion concept in 2019?

Comfy girl-next-door

31. What kept you sane?

ASMR. Kiddos. My best friends.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Wow um cool if Hunter Shafer wants to accept my hand in marriage, I would be over the moon <3 Then again, I've got my usual suspects: Zendaya, Tom Holland, Ana de Armas, Lana Condor, Noah Centineo, Joey King, Cole Sprouse, Billie Eilish, Reeve Carney, Eva Noblezada, Ben Platt, Harry Styles, and of course, Lizzo.

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

Sigh. 2019 was not unique in its growing cases of hate and violence. Between the mass shootings, the numerous cases of transphobia, islamophobia, and anti-semitism, the blatant acts of terrorism, raging fires, families being separated and children being put in cages... I just have no words. It is each and every one of our responsibility to be better. This world cannot improve on its own—it is imperative that we step in and make every little tiny difference we can.

34. Who do you miss?

My mom. Suki. My grandparents. My brothers. Phoenix and Scout. Evan & Linnea.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019.

You have courage made of steel, babe. You are made of bravery and determination and perseverance. You are made of stars and exploding galaxies and the Sun and the Moon. There is absolutely nothing you can't do if you put your mind to it. I have every faith that you will succeed. I love you I love you I love you.

36. Quote a song lyrics that sums up your year:

"Woo girl, need to kick off your shoes
Got to take a deep breath, time to focus on you
All the big fights, long nights that you been through
I got a bottle of Tequila I been saving for you
Boss up and change your life
You can have it all, no sacrifice
I know he did you wrong, we can make it right
So go and let it all hang out tonight"

"Good as Hell" by Lizzo

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: Happy Birthday a billion days late Maeve, my dear <3

Fridge Poetry

Hello my loves. Odd to think this is my first post of the year 2019.

I turn 19 this year. I go back to school this year (fingers crossed). Wild.

Anyhow, in a desperate effort to pursue my creative interests, I opted for an old friend of mine: poetry. I hadn't written anything new in quite a while and so you can imagine my frustration when I remembered how difficult writer's block can be. That is, until I remembered there's such thing as fridge poetry.

Below, you'll find Maya's 3am musings from the magnets on her refrigerator.

..........

careful bunny blood

cuddle only through bite

know before he was claws

and will eat on sight

..........

that sudden sweet taste

can come like soft sleep

why be careful

..........

only his howling

went to her

for the path did not

..........

soft sweet love

too pure but sudden

this darling thing must not bite

..........

before they try

care no more

my dead must live again

have caution but

see presently

who are always human

..........

i am deranged

my sight destroyed

would you hide my face

if she touched it

..........

a bird with hate

watches life through eyes

of guilt and chance

..........

my little dear

dead again

before the cold

if i was pure

i'd be your blood

& come home

..........

devils kiss to be violent

humans bite flesh for love

..........

So nothing crazy moving or inspiring yet but the words on the fridge spoke to me. I had to listen.

Here's to less writer's block and more writing.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: Happy 21st birthday, C. Don't get plastered. Love ya.

Year 18, Still Breathin'

Wow okay so 2k18 wasn't at all what it was cracked up to be but hey! There's always next year.

1. What did you do in 2018 that you'd never done before?

Oh goodness, let's see... Well, I voted for the first time so that was pretty sweet! I also may have made some poor life choices and got high with the big bro and dissociated for the first time and had my first real paying job and got my first ever state ID and lost my virginity and got hospitalized and bought my first toy (lol) and paid my own bills and scheduled my own doctor's appointments so like adulting yay that's cool.

2. Did you keep your New Years Resolutions and will you make more for next year?

I didn't make any resolutions that I can recall. I do remember saying I hoped 2018 was my year and even though on the surface it may very well have been an absolute disaster, it has taught me more lessons than I can possibly count. For 2019, I'm just striving for absolute self compassion, no questions asked.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Hmmm... no, BUT Yan Diego officially became the godfather of this teeny tiny black cat, Luna, and she is such a demonic treasure :)

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My one and only beautiful Titi Dorianny who lives in our hearts and in our smiles forever.

5. What countries did you visit?

The usual: DR & US. I'm not exciting.

6. What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018?

Oh gosh, stability for once in my life. Emotional, financial, physical, all of it. Or even just one of the three. I want something to go right for me in 2019. I've waited long enough and I sure as heck deserve it.

7. What dates from 2018 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

January 1st. First time.
January 22nd. Move to RI.
February 16th. The Little Mermaid.
March 6th. Finally legal.
March 11th. Winter photoshoot.
March 20th. Mami's book launch, DR.
April 21st. Hospitalization.
May 27th. Babies' graduation!
May 28th. First day of work.
August 2nd. Mami's book launch, NY.
August 3rd. Waitress.
August 4th. Anastasia.
August 16th. Second heartbreak.
August 23rd. Book of Mormon.
August 30th. Te quiero, Titi <3
September 10th. Officially settled in NY.
October 17th. Aidan <3
October 19th. A Star is Born.
October 31st. Halloween in VT.
November 6th. First vote!!!
November 11th. Fall photoshoot.
November 15th. SNOW.
November 19th. MacBook Pro.
November 24th. Bohemian Rhapsody.
December 11th. Officially together!
December 13th. First "I love you"

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Learning to love myself and to let go. Still a work in progress.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Failure is a strong word. It would be a little harsh to peg the word failure on someone when we're all just trying our best, but I guess I let myself sink all the way down this year. Farther into the void than I've ever gone before and it was scary as heck, let me tell you.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yes. I was briefly hospitalized in April for extreme panic disorder and suicidal thoughts. I also had a short but torturous bout of vertigo around midsummer. 10/10 would not recommend.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Hmmm... well back when I was making mula, I'd splurge on myself every now and again which was pretty heckin' fun and most of it consisted of unnecessary thrift store items or random beauty products. However, I was the most excited when I bought my first denim jacket. What can I say? I have my priorities.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

It may come as no surprise to you but my loves Linnea, Lauryn, Kelila, and Evan seriously pulled through. I mean those four got me through some of the toughest most excruciating times of my life, I owe them just about everything. Another pleasant surprise was seeing Tia Susan and Ali team up to be my personal champions and I just love them both beyond words.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?

I have a select few I could mention but the world never got any better by spreading hate.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Oh jesus, most of you won't want to know this but it's freaking true so I might as well say it: Calvin Klein underwear. Like stashes and stashes of them. It's teetering on obsessive, honestly.

15. What did you get really, really excited about?

Seeing a Broadway show for the first time in years. Any time I got to spend with my friends. Every trip to the Martins' home. Burritos. Cats. Movies.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2018?

God is a Woman by Ariana Grande
IDGAF by Dua Lipa
I Like It by Cardi B
breathin' by Ariana Grande
Radio Ga Ga by Queen
Just a Stranger by Kali Uchis ft. Steve Lacy
Bad Liar by Selena Gomez
Spice Girl by Aminé
No Tears Left to Cry by Ariana Grande
bellyache by Billie Eilish
Joanne by Lady Gaga
Mo Bamba by Sheck Wes
Feel It Still by Portugal the Man
Bodak Yellow by Cardi B
Shallow by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper
Moonlight by XXXTENTACION
La Cintura by Alvaro Soler
Rewrite the Stars by Zac Efron and Zendaya
lovely by Billie Eilish ft. Khalid
Sober by Demi Lovato
BLACKJACK by Aminé
Don't Stop Me Now by Queen
In my Feelings by Drake
Sweet Creature by Harry Styles
King Kunta by Kendrick Lamar
REEL IT IN by Aminé
idontwannabeyouanymore by Billie Eilish
In My Blood by Shawn Mendes
I Love It by Kanye West ft. Lil Pump
Sorry not Sorry by Demi Lovato
1998 TRUMAN by BROCKHAMPTON
All the Stars by Kendrick Lamar ft. SZA
you should see me in a crown by Billie Eilish
Havana by Camila Cabello
Yikes by Kanye West
Uproar by Lil Wayne ft. Swizz Beatz
ICY GRL by Saweetie
Nice for What by Drake
Movement by Hozier
Lost In Japan by Shawn Mendes
Look At Me! by XXXTENTACION
Girls Like You by Maroon 5 ft. Cardi B
Youngblood by 5 Seconds of Summer
Sweet but Psycho by Ava Max
REDMERCEDES by Aminé
Caroline by Aminé
Taki Taki by DJ Snake, Selena Gomez, Ozuna & Cardi B
thank u, next by Ariana Grande
JELLO by BROCKHAMPTON
I Ain't Got Time! by Tyler, The Creator
Greedy by Ariana Grande
Hair Too Long by The Vamps
Icon by Jaden Smith
NO EXCUSES by Meghan Trainor
Money by Cardi B
Who Dat Boy by Tyler, The Creator & A$AP Rocky

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

(a) I can't believe I'm even saying this but happier. So much happier.
(b) I can't believe this either but thinner... I lost ten pounds XD
(c) Wowowow I have never been more penniless in my life and yet I'm makin' it work somehow.

18. What do you wish you had done more of?

Art. Part of me feels like I wasted a whole good nine months but then again, I had lots of healing to do and the healing isn't over yet. I'm doing the best that I can.

19. What do you wish you had done less of?

Ew crying. Ohmygod, if I had a dollar for every second I spent crying this year, I'd be a fucking trillionaire. Not that crying isn't good for you or a healthy coping mechanism but when you've got anything in excess, it's not so bueno.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Quietly in NY with my dad and the bros.

21. Did you fall in love in 2018?

Oh yes, absolutely.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Bisshhhhhhh I thought you'd never ask :)

Say Yes to the Dress
Grace & Frankie
Downton Abbey
King of the Hill
This is Us
Community
The Good Place
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
The Great British Baking Show
The Fosters (it finally ended and I think I might die)

23. Do you hate someone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Hate is a very strong word. Again, a select few come to mind but spreading hate is bad karma so...

24. What was the best book you read?

Heck dudes, I'm bummed I didn't read as much as last year but I still managed to sneak some reading in here and there.

Paperweight by Meg Haston
When in doubt, add butter by Beth Harbison
The Beginning of Everything by Robin Schneider

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Hadestown: The Myth. The Musical. (thank you Claire for blessing my whole life with this)

26. What did you want and get?

Affection. To see my family.

27. What did you want and not get?

Security. Safety. Stability.

28. What was your favorite film of the year?

As always, there is never one single answer:

A Star is Born
Bohemian Rhapsody
Crazy Rich Asians
Black Panther
Dumplin'
To All The Boys I've Loved Before
Set It Up

I've yet to see:

Love, Simon
The Hate U Give
Incredibles II
Christopher Robin
Ocean's 8
Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again
BlacKkKlansman

29. What is one thing that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Music helped me through it all.

30. How would you describe your fashion concept in 2018?

50% barely functioning/systematically depressed human being, 50% casual hipster chic.

31. What kept you sane?

Meditation. Spotify. Sleep.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Not even gonna try to hide my love for Noah Centineo <3 I LOVED HIM SINCE THE FOSTERS YOU POSERS!!!

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

It's sad that there are almost too many to count with each coming year but for reasons that hit far too close to home, the Kavanaugh trial. I don't think I'd been triggered that badly in a while.

34. Who do you miss?

Titi. Linnea, Evan, the Owls, Suki, Luna, Nutella, Bernie, & Phyllis <3

Notice how half of those are animals.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018.

You are love. You are light. You are loved. You are worthy. You are able. You are enough.

36. Quote a song lyrics that sums up your year:

"I'm off the deep end, watch as I dive in
I'll never meet the ground
Crash through the surface
Where they can't hurt us
We're far from the shallow now"

"Shallow" by Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: Happy Birthday my dearest Maeve <3

Out with the Old, In with the New

I feel like I probably should've written sooner but who knew I'd be busy and bustling about all week?

I sure didn't.

Well, last time I left off, I had two exams left. Needless to say, they pretty much sucked but they're over now so that is that. I boarded a plane and flew home to bright, beautiful, sunny, hot, humid, suffocating, chaotic DR. I have a lot of mixed feelings about this place.

I then went on to babysit a bunch of fifth graders at my lil bro's school all nighter camp out, went three consecutive nights without sleeping a wink, ate some of Abuelo's incredible food, cuddled my peanut-rat Suki, watched a couple movies here and there, rushed from doctor appointment to doctor appointment, but mostly, I just spent my time working.

Or cleaning out our old apartment, that is. Yeah, we moved.

Well, technically we're still in the process but that's not the point.

The point is I lived at that old house for almost nine years of my life—some of the most life changing moments of my entire existence happened in that house. Some I'll never let go of, others I'd rather forget.

I haven't moved house in what feels like ages ago, so the whole concept is kinda weird to me. Don't get me wrong, it sorta helps that I'm not even present most of the time since I'm away at boarding school for nine months of the year. But the house I come home to won't be the same one I was used to.

Our new apartment is about half the size of the last one, cozy, quaint, but more than comfortable. YD joked that it resembled more of a hotel than a house. I will admit, it doesn't quite feel like home yet. Granted, we've only lived here for about a week but nothing can replace nine years of memories stashed away in the old apartment three blocks down.

Since my dad's away, most of the packing and moving and arranging has fallen on my mom, and now that YD and I are back, we have to pitch in, as well, so we haven't exactly had a break. But that's okay.

Rummaging through closets and drawers and cabinets and old receipts and stuffed animals and torn clothes and waste baskets and jewelry boxes and book shelves put many things into perspective. The amount of stuff we'd accumulated over the years was astonishing—half of which we didn't need.

This is the first big difference between the old and the new apartment: the old one was bigger, so therefore, we ended up hoarding more than we needed, whereas the new one simply doesn't have the space for all that extra crap, so we were forced to pack only what was explicitly necessary.

At the same time, going through my parents' drawers and book shelves brought me back to memories I had long since forgotten—a Christmas card labeled 2005, a bracelet I made out of macaroni for my Mami when I was in kindergarten, unsharpened pencils from sixth grade, an autographed baseball, several CVS receipts for Advil, orphaned socks, love letters, stories I had written all the way in first grade, a rose that had to have died at least eight years ago, papier-mache hearts with scribbled "I love you"s...

I hadn't even noticed the tears silently making their way down my cheeks as I took a second glance in the mirror. My eyes were red-rimmed and puffy (not a pretty sight in the least, if you ask me). I made sure to erase any trace of sentimentality as I walked into the next room—I couldn't have all these anchors weighing me down.

Each day went on like this, except every day I felt less and less, for better or for worse. Putting books into piles and stacking them away into boxes had become routine and I tried not to think of all the things I was losing. It would be alright, after all.

My birthday came and went. We went to go see Zootopia (highly reccommend, super inspiring), and we meant to go eat at my favorite restaurant but it turns out they were closed. But that's okay.

With the house switch and family things and college just around the corner, I sure have a lot waiting for me in the upcoming months. That comes with a lot of uncertainties.

However, I promise you all and myself that I will try my very best to be tough and to take things one step at a time. Change can be good, right?

Things'll be fine. You'll be fine, Maya. You'll be fine.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Holy Fricken Frack

Well. I told you I'd be busy, didn't I?

Either way, here we are: February 15th (my little Suki's 7th bday holy crap) and I have SO MUCH to tell you.

Let's see, where did I leave off?

Ah, yes.

Firstly there was Berklee. I have so many feelings about that. I may or may not have a post written about it later... In the meantime, please go read Claire's recap of it here.

That was during the first half of our Winter Weekend. The second half was filled with various events ranging from fun to exciting to downright dangerous (we get competitive while playing games... *ehem* Catan *ehem*).

That Sunday, I finally got to see Star Wars in theaters with the bae. I also had an impromptu shopping spree with Claire and Max (my real baes, obviously) where we raided Sally's and bought Claire's first batch of hair dye (SUPER EXCITING!). Later that evening, we all ended up playing Settlers of Catan in Caellum's bedroom and dare I say, it was one of the most hilarious things I have ever experienced. We played in pairs, so Rory and Claire officially won, while Max and I took a close second, and meanwhile, poor Conor and Caellum were left begging for cyanide in their fruitless nation. I may have peed myself laughing once or twice. The next day snowed buckets and so obviously we thought it'd be a great idea to go sledding.

Wrong. We were so, so very wrong. Our faces were nearly burned away from wind chill and I was feelin the frostbite coming on. Instead, we took to Martin's, where Max and I proved to everyone else that we are true soulmates (and we also kick ass at Squares). We probably spent around three hours shuffling cards around and getting into heated competitions of Speed and Poker. I love my people.

Alas, the next day we had school, so naturally we were overcome with woe.

But that was that.

OTHER SUPER INTERESTING THING THAT HAPPENED RECENTLY:

I had my first stage kiss ever and it was awkward as fuck and I completely missed the first time and God bless Jimmy for putting up with my shit but holy crap I was so nervous and I kinda wanted to die

Since then, we've had to kiss like a trillion more times for The Addams Family but thank goodness it's only gotten easier and increasingly less awkward (except for, yaknow, the fact that the whole school and my boyfriend are gonna be watching but oh whale).

This past Thursday was Poetry Out Loud and as per usual, I memorized my poem like half an hour before the actual event (I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS, DO NOT TRY IT AT HOME) yet somehow I managed getting first place...?????????

Like........ wat. But yeah, that happened.

The weekend dragged on because Tech but HEY WE'RE GONNA PUT ON A MIGHTY FINE SHOW SO IT IS ALL A-OKAY. Plus, Saturday night the squad got to watch Deadpool and I have never not regretted something more in my life. IT WAS EFFING AMAZING.

You may be wondering what I did on my Valentine's Day especially considering the fact that I actually have a bae this year (I know none of you are wondering but I'm salty about it so I'm gonna tell you anyway).

Well, my dearest friends, I did absolutely nothing. Why, you ask? Well, because I was stuck in the goddamn auditorium the whole day and so I didn't even get to see CJS and usually I hate Valentine's Day so I wouldn't even care but it was mildly upsetting and I was stressed and homesick and exhausted and fricken frack it wasn't a good time.

ANYWAY, today was a new day and it actually went pretty well :) Tomorrow I may die after APUSH first period but yaknowI it's really okay. I should be studying right now. Ugh.

I have so many other things I'm probably forgetting but—OH WAIT I JUST REMEMBERED! MAMI AND JAVI ARE COMING TO SEE THE SHOW THIS WEEKEND AND I AM BEYOND EXCITED TO SEE THEM AGAIN AHHHHH

Yay, exciting :)

Quick shoutout to Shelbs for making me smile every single day and to Claire for being my bestest bae and to Max for tolerating my shit and to C for loving me unconditionally and to CJS for being a love and to Soph for actually deciding to go on a kickass trip with us and to Papa Kerr for being selfless and kind and to Hannah Banana for being the best roommate ever and to Emmalene for enduring the pain that is tech and making me feel hardcore as Wednesday and to Brandt for making me laugh and to Lil Kerr for being my child. There are really a lot of other people I should be thanking right now but I'm hoping they get the idea already.

Okay, but now I should really actually try and be productive.

Hasta la próxima!

Much love xoxo

Maya

Snow Days, Surprises and Birthdays

So. It finally snowed.

Take that global warming!

Anyway, because of this tiny miracle, the Abbey finally let us have a snow day. God bless. Yep, first snow day of the year and guess who didn't sleep in? Moi. Yeah. Woke up at 5:45am on the dot, got the email around 6:30, went to breakfast just around 7ish. Of course, snow days don't stop Bray-Bray from having rehearsal, but I mean, hey—The Addams Family isn't all bad. In fact, it's the first musical I've actually thoroughly enjoyed here, so props to us :) I spent the next four hours in a cat onesie, doing absolutely nothing in the art building *cough* totally not canoodling with the boyf *cough* After rehearsal, I sorta milled about on my own and did some jamming in the Wing—til I got kicked out by a couple of lowerclassmen scrubs doing inappropriate business...

Fun times. That night I spent chilling with the boarder peeps (aka Brandt, Max, Cassie, Anjli, Rory, Jon, etc...) watching Mad Max: Fury Road in the boys' common room. Explosions ensued.

The next day—surprise surprise!—was my little nugget's 11th birthday. That's right, my little Javi is officially two full hands and a toe old. That's a lot. What am I doing with my life.

What my dearest CJS neglected to tell me, though, was that it was also his mother's birthday. Thanks a lot, babe. Instead, I learned this wonderful bit of news from C, and so he happily dragged me along to her ambush/surprise party. Needless to say, it would've been a tad bit awkward if I had just shown up at their house without knowing that. Oh whale.

Random sidenote: not that any of you were wondering, but I should 100% be writing my english paper right now. Guess what's not getting done tonight?

Ignore me. Anyway, as I was saying, it was a jolly old time at the S house with about three other families crowding around the place. After they all left, though, I being the super special creature that I am got to stay and so CJS and I got to watch A Beautiful Mind, which was quite emotional to say the least.

So that was my weekend in a nutshell. Next week is Berklee. Dear Lord, help us all...

Week after that is tech and then whoop-di-do! It's show time. Week after that: exams. God bless the Abbey.

I'M GONNA BE SO BUSY SO I'M SORRY IN ADVANCE FOR PROBABLY NOT POSTING LIKE EVER BUT HEY I'LL TRY <3

I love you all to infinity and banana :)

Hasta la proxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya <3

P.S: MY BRO GOT INTO COLLEGE TODAY AND I AM SO PROUD FRICK YES

What's Up?

Wow, I haven't posted since last year. That's quite a while.

Haha it's a joke, get it? Cuz it actually wasn't all that long ago... I'm so funny.

Anyway.

So far, The Addams Family is going swimmingly (we're almost done with Act I, thank God), EHX is sounding progressively better (we have a thing at URI tomorrow and I get to miss class woooo), SEMI IS TOMORROW AND I AM BEYOND EXCITED <3

Hmmmm let's see... Wellllllllll school is fine, I guess. It's still school.

Mid-January and it still hasn't snowed yet. Goddammit.

Break was lovely. I got to see the fam and I hung out with all my old college peeps and we had a grand old time. I miss free time.

In short, the next couple months will get crazy busy, I'm sure, but hopefully I get the chance to write sometime in between. I'm having a good time with my people and I hope everyone continues to keep their head up for the rest of winter term. It'll all be okay.

Here's to a great new year :)

Hasta la proxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: Happy early birthday Sitka <3 Stop getting so freaking old. Ew.

HAPPY MERRY NEW YEARS ALMOST

Well, first and foremost, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAEVE I LOVE YOU INFINITELY <3

It has been one hell of a year, let me tell you that. I could list all the things that I'm grateful for but I mean, y'all would get pretty tired of that XD So instead, I'm probably just gonna be boring and do the same thing I did last year, which is steal a bunch of questions off the internet and fill them in.

1) What one event, big or small, are you going to tell your grandchildren about?

The greatest quinceañera of all time, that's what. What greater birthday spent than at Disney World with your very best friends?

2) If you had to describe your 2015 in 3 words, what would they be?
Challenging, exhilarating, magical.

3) What new things did you discover about yourself?

I'm way tougher than I thought I was. I also am capable of so much more than I think I am.

4) What single achievement are you most 

proud of?

Not gonna lie, I'm quite proud of many things I did this year, but choosing to say enough is enough and walking out of an abusive situation is by far the best decision I ever made this year.

5) What was the best news you received? 

Getting cast as Wednesday Addams was pretty spectacular, although finding out I got into All State might be a close second.

6) What was your favourite place that you visited in 2015?

Well this goes back to the best fifteenth birthday ever, Disney World with my people.

7) Which of your personal qualities turned out to be the most helpful this year?

Maintaining a bubbly, sunny attitude despite all the shit going on.

8) Who was your number one go-to person that you could always rely on?

There's no single person, but I guess I'd have to say mainly C and Claire got me through this year.

9) Which new skills did you learn?

Forgiveness, patience, and still working on stress relief.

10) What, or who, are you most thankful for?

All of my friends. Sincerely, I do not know what I would do without each and every one of you. And CJS, who never fails to make me smile.

11) If someone wrote a book about your life in 2015, what kind of genre would it be? A comedy, love story, drama, film noir or something else?

Yikes, that's tough... I mean, I guess you could say it started off as a drama and then morphed into a love story with its own moments of tragedy and comedy. A bit of everything, I suppose.

12) What was the most important lesson you learnt in 2015?

Be good to yourself. Always.

13) Which mental block(s) did you overcome?

Not entirely overcome, but simply realizing that I can't always make everyone happy.

14) What 5 people did you most enjoy spending time with?

That's really tough, but definitely Caellum, Claire, CJS, Hannah Banana, and Meagan.

15) What was your biggest break-through moment career-wise?

Well... Strictly speaking, I don't exactly have a career... XD If we're talking about my academic career, dear God, did I have a lot of "break-throughs" and by that I mean I discovered I can write a three paged paper in under thirty minutes, wake up at 3am and crank out forty pages of textbook reading and writing, among many other feats.

16) How did your relationship to your family evolve?

That's somewhat of a sticky question seeing as things are sorta all over the place right now... But being at boarding school definitely makes the heart grow fonder.

17) What book or movie affected your life in a profound way?

Definitely the movie The Little Prince, without a doubt. Also, Mitch Albom's The Five People You Meet In Heaven.

18) What was your favorite compliment that you received this year?

Well, having someone fall in love with me was one heck of a compliment... <3

19) What little things did you most enjoy during your day-to-day life?

Squirrels. Feeling clean. Fog. Crisp air. Smiles. Hugs. Snuggles. Feeling accomplished.

20) What cool things did you create this year?

I wrote some pretty kickass blog posts, I wanna say XD I also wrote some pretty interesting new poems I'm quite proud of.

21) What was your most common mental state this year (e.g. excited, curious, stressed)?

Umm, well I'm not very much of a static person. My moods are always changing and I never quite feel just one thing at a time, so I'd have to say it was a toss up between anxiety and excitement.

22) Was there anything you did for the very first time in your life this year?

I fell in love. I took medication for more than one thing. I came out to my parents and some of my friends. I finally said no.

23) What was your favourite moment spent with your friends?

Oh goodness, I am blessed to say there is not just a single moment I can pin down, simply because I have had way too many glorious moments with my people. Some of those being at Disney, others when my college peeps came back to surprise me, staying at Claire Bear's house, late night talks, among other things.

24) What major goal did you lay the foundations for?

Welllllll I mean I guess you could say I finally landed a lead...? I also continued to participate in as many musically inclined things as possible.

25) Which worries turned out to be completely unnecessary?

Thinking I would die come Junior year. Worrying whether someone really loved me or not. Grades are not everything. They're important, but not everything.

26) What experience would you love to do all over again?

Being surprised by my friends time and time again. Chilling with CJS on multiple occasions.

27) What was the best gift you received?

This is so hard to choooooseeeeee. Let's just stick with Christmas presents, yeah? First of all, I am beyond grateful to everyone for all the gifts I recieved, but good God, Shelby surprised me with a Simba pillow pet and I just about died.

28) How did your overall outlook on life evolve?

I wanna say it went from pessimistic to hopeful.

29) What was the biggest problem you solved?

My social life, kinda.

30) What was the funniest moment of your year, one that still makes it hard not to burst out laughing when you think about it?

Playing Cards Against Humanity with my fam, and just lots of little moments I cannot speak of involving my friends.

31) What purchase turned out to be the best decision ever?

MY OVERALLS. I FOUND THEM. FINALLY.

32) What one thing would you do differently and why?

I would learn to let go faster and hold onto the things that truly matter. I would probably also procrastinate less and remember to get my work done on time... haha... ha.

33) What do you deserve a pat on the back for?

I mean not to brag, but for being a pretty damn good friend, I think XD

34) What activities made you lose track of time?

Singing, tumblring, writing, listening to music, hanging with the peeps, calling CJS.

35) What did you think about more than anything else?

How freaking lucky I am to have so many beautiful creatures in my life.

36) What topics did you most enjoy learning about?

Ummm well, I mean in terms of school, English continues to be my favorite subject so... I guess just reading some pretty fantastic books and the like?

37) What new habits did you cultivate?

I've picked up on so many phrases and mannerisms from my friends, it's not even funny. Thanks a lot guys.

38) What advice would you give your early-2015 self if you could?

Listen, kid, this year's gonna be really rough. And I mean incredibly so. But you are gonna find that so many things will be worth it. Just hang in there and hold out for the light at the end of the tunnel, yeah? It'll come sooner than you expect it to.

39) Did any parts of your self or your life do a complete 180 this year?

Oh my, well, I guess you could say I finally grew a spine and declared that I had had enough of a certain situation, so that made me stronger I wanna say. I also took a risk and fell in love. That was pretty great.

40) What or who had the biggest positive impact on your life this year?

Okay, kill me for being the most cliche person ever, but CJS has been the greatest new addition to my life and even though it's taken quite a while to get comfortable with each other, I am so so so happy that I have him. No matter what happens in the future, I am thankful for the happiness you've given me.

41) What do you want the overarching theme for your 2016 to be?

Hope. Joy. Discovery.

42) What do you want to see, discover, explore?

IRELAND <3 <3 <3

43) Who do you want to spend more time with in 2016?

I mean, I really hope my graduating friends come visit me once they're gone, but I also hope to grow closer to my own grade come senior year.

44) What skills do you want to learn, improve or master?

To chill the fuck out and not be so hard on myself.

45) Which personal quality do you want to develop or strengthen?

Endurance, perseverance, positivity.

46) What do you want your everyday life to be like?

Continuing to find joy in the little things. To not let small inconveniences get in the way of my happiness.

47) Which habits do you want to change, cultivate or get rid of?
Get rid of my procrastination (HA! That'll be the day...) and try and be more positive, even with the little things. 

48) What do you want to achieve career-wise?

Damn, I just wanna pass Junior year with decent grades and not have the SAT kill me.

49) How do you want to remember the year 2016 when you look back on it 10/20/50 years from now?

Challenging, but nothing that I can't overcome without a little willpower and help from my friends and family.

50) What is your number one goal for 2016?

Let yourself be happy. Enjoy every moment. Don't let it go to waste. Forgive. Have fun. Move on.

..........

And that's somewhat of a vague-ish recap of my year! I love you all to infinity and banana. Without you guys, this year would've been absolute hell.

Hasta la próxima, 

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S.

Happy Half-Birthday to Me <3

Best Vacation Ever

No, I'm not talking about summer. Summer's been..... ehhhhh.

I'm talking about a post that's long overdue and I always meant to write about it but I never came to it, apparently.

For those of you that are still lost, I'm talking about Disney.

Quinceañera+Best Friends+Disney World+Spring Break= Best Time Of My Life :D

..........

Once upon a time, on the fifth of March, ten children from the Abbey finished their exams and boarded a plane to the happiest place on Earth: Disney World. Their names were Lilly, Lauryn, Maya, Claire, Sean, Caellum, James, Mike, Ellie, and Sophia. Along with them came a lovely little family by the name of Kerr. 

On said plane, Caellum, Claire and Maya decided to sit together, while Mike, Ellie and Sophia sat together, and Lilly , Lauryn and Sean took the next row. James Briand sat all by his little self and did not mind one bit.

Needless to say, Claire and Maya quickly fell asleep across one seriously unfortunate Caellum. The plane ride was lovely (thanks to our human pillow). After a fair amount of dicking around, the crew jumped onto a bus and squealed in their seats (at least I did) 'til their hotel, All Star Music, came into view. All eleven children (this included the tiniest Kerr, Emma) scuttled to find some dinner before making their way over to their cozy hotel rooms. 

It was only a matter of time before everyone realized it was midnight, therefore, it was now Maya's fifteenth birthday.

..........

Day One

Okay, I'm switching back to first person now XD

This was the start of the greatest day of my life. 

Papa Kerr asked everyone to come out of their rooms and into the hallway (they were all right next to each other, anyway) and we were all thinking--at least I was thinking--that it was meant to be just a normal check-in meeting. Instead, I was met with all of my favorite people singing Happy Birthday to me in their pajamas. I couldn't keep from bringing my hands up to my face, afraid I was going to cry. I turned to my left and there was Claire, filming this precious moment and I couldn't thank her--or anybody else--enough. I was met with hugs, and smiles, and lovely birthday wishes. But then it was time for bed. There was no doubt it was gonna be a great day.

Breakfast was... eventful to say the least. I was branded a wand and tiara (courtesy of Mama Kerr) and I definitely felt like a princess the rest of the day :) We boarded the bus that was headed to Animal Kingdom, where a whole pile of strangers sang Happy Birthday to me, again, causing me to turn bright red. The bus lady sounded like Roz from Monsters Inc. It was kinda scary.

Upon arriving at Animal Kingdom, the crew took hold of Everest, my all-time worst fear since I'd last been to Disney five years prior. 

We went on it twice. 

Lots of screaming prevailed. I still have no clue how I didn't manage to break Caellum's hand.

Next, we went on Dinosaur. Twice. (We're not gonna make it! We're not gonna make it!) Claire sure struggled with that one... XD :*

Then on our way to It's Tough To Be A Bug, we heard it. That's right.

The Circle of Life started to play in the background, and that could only mean one thing.

Caellum and Mike took it upon themselves to hoist me up into the sky like some newborn divinity and Claire decided to document it XD Just normal, everyday things.

It was just after this that I received my glorious Birthday Pin from Papa Kerr <3 Thus commenced the many congratulations and such from strangers and the like ^_^

We all decided to go on the safari and on our way out, we bumped into one of the most lovely people I have ever met. His name was Hetisani and he was a young man from South Africa in his twenties. He started to talk to us about following our dreams and humanity and Nelson Mandela. "I am because you are, and you are because I am," he had said. We are all people because of each other. And that was the most valuable lesson I learned on this trip.

After our ten minutes of enlightenment, we headed off on our own to get something  to eat, only to meet up again to watch the glorious performance of The Lion King (basically my favorite Disney movie ever) <3 

Then we decided to ride the River Rapids--my favorite ride ever--and being the Catholic school students that we are, we sang the Pater Noster all the way up the slope XD Other people must've thought we were crazing for chanting Latin prayers at the top of our lungs, but we didn't mind :)

By then it'd gotten late, and we were now soaked in water, so we thought it best to go back to the hotel and freshen up before heading out again to see Cirque du Soleil's La Nouba.

Now, for some godforsaken reason, Claire and I thought it'd be a marvelous idea to go swimming even though it was super freaking cold (it'd only been one day and we were already acclimatized haha). It only took me a second to notice she didn't have her Magic Band on her (like our room key, but a bracelet). I didn't really think much of it until we got back to the room and I was met with streamers and balloons and decorations all over with a banner over the bed saying "Happy Birthday". I fell for their surprises. Again. The wonderful Mrs. Kerr put it together and I couldn't have been more happy :) (props to Claire for almost ruining the surprise XD I still love you)

It was almost time for us to head out, so we did ourselves up real nice and made sure to take lots of pictures before making our way to the bus that would take us to Downtown Disney. While walking to Cirque's tent, we passed by various talented street performers, all of whom played some of our favorite jams: Wagon Wheel, Hallelujah, No Scrubs, I Want It That Way, among others :)

Cirque was unbelievably overwhelming in every sense of the word. It was beautiful, and big, and bold, and daring, and impossible to put into any more words than that. All I can say is the filmed version is nothing like it is in person.

I was so tuckered out by the end of their performance that poor Mike had to serve as my pillow on the bus ride home (or hotel, whichever). No words were needed to say it was the best birthday ever.

..........

Day Two

Then commenced one of the longest days of our lives.

We got up earlier than usual to go back to Downtown Disney in order to have an up close, backstage tour of Cirque du Soleil. It was super impressive. We all learned how to use Diabolo's. Sean was surprisingly good at it.

We came back to the hotel to rest and prepare for the super long day ahead of us. That's right. Disney's magic hours in Magic Kingdom is definitely an experience. Go with your best friends. You'll have fun.

We jumped from ride to ride, hardly ever stopping to catch a breath. Pirates of the Caribbean, Splash Mountain (fuck you Briar Rabbit), Thunder Mountain, Space Mountain, Carousel of Progress (There's a Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow), Stitch's Great Escape, Peter Pan (the ride is roughly 30 seconds and we waited over two hours in line), Winnie the Pooh, Buzz Light Year, Haunted Mansion, It's a Small World (with the guy waving furiously at us over the headboard), and then the Tea Cup Party. 

Gosh, that was one of the trippiest experiences I've ever been in. Let's just say, fitting two grown male teenagers, and two grown female teenagers into one tiny tea cup was a bit more than cramped. Nonetheless, Caellum, Mike, Claire and I all managed to spin, and spin, and spin, and spin, 'til we couldn't walk straight anymore. 

After that, most of the night was a blur. I was growing sleepier by the hour and couldn't remember the rest of our excursions. All I know is that C gave me several piggyback rides that night, and I managed to fall asleep on top of Mike more than once.

The last thing I remember is fireworks. 

And then I draw a blank.

..........

Day Three

The next day, we were all bound for the wonderful world of Epcot. 

First of all, C and I were unintentionally twinning. It was kinda cool.

C, Claire and I wandered off to Canada, where we watched Martin Short give me vertigo on a Circle-Vision 360º screen. It was an experience.

Later, after we found the others, we went on Mission to Mars, which wasn't nearly as traumatizing as I remembered it (I was Pilot. Every time.). After we ate, we went on Spaceship Earth, and I tagged along with C. The stargazing view at the end is my absolute favorite. It's truly breathtaking. 

Then we headed over to drink different Coke products from around the world. The Beverly was the most revolting thing I'd ever tasted in my life. C, I despise you for liking it.

Eventually, we wandered over to Test Track to make some sick cars (Gotta go zoom!). It was SO fun. Then we went on a kiddie Nemo ride called Seas. Coming out of it, Caellum decided to make me want to hate him more, so he spewed the longest on-going pun I've ever heard in my life. Despite my laugh attack, I was not happy -_- We got ice cream before heading back to our hotel (it'd been a pretty hot day and we were tired out). It appears, I had two more laugh attacks though (a side-effect of my fatigue), one at dinner and another at the pool. 

Laughing is exhausting, lemme tell you that.

Before I knew it, I was sound asleep.

..........

Day Four

This was to be the last magical day for all the other chill'uns  (excluding CC, MnM, meaning Caellum, Claire, Maya and Mike).

We were to spend the day at Hollywood Studios. It was sweltering hot.

James spent most of the day hopping over fences and doing the exact opposite of anything a sign said. But that's unimportant.

First was the Great Movie Ride. Apparently we were already hungry, so we decided to get food at Pizza Planet (yeah Toy Story!). The truly wonderful thing about this idea–the eating, I mean–is that we were going to do it right before getting on the Tower of Terror. What a splendid idea, right? Needless to say, I'm claustrophobic, get really bad motion sickness, am afraid of the dark and afraid of heights, so of course I decided to get on the Tower of Motherfucking Terror. 

And of course I had a panic attack. Lucky for me, I was already strapped into my chair and the elevator doors had already shut, so there was absolutely no possible way for me to get out. Poor Caellum had to deal with me sobbing throughout the entire thing (except later I found out he just thought I was laughing -_-). Again, I'm pretty sure I was close to breaking his hand. 

Anyway, after it was finally over, I ran out of there like there was no tomorrow, and didn't go on the next ride 'til Mike and Sophia managed to calm me down. We decided to go see the Muppet Show for a change, in which I fell asleep for the full thirty minutes. Not my fault. I was recovering from a traumatic experience XD

Next, we decided we should rev back up to the power rides, so we went on the Rockin' Roller Coaster (gotta go zoooooooooommmm!!!). It was AWESOME to say the least :) Then we went to the car stunt show which was mainly boring and predictable in my opinion. Poor Lilly got a headache afterwards so we took care of her a while before heading off to Star Tours, in which our two best idiots geeked out hardcore. Of course Caellum was chosen as the rebel spy. Of course.

After much geeking out, we were onto the next one, in other words, the Indiana Jones performance, which was cool as ever. That night, we all went to watch Fantasmic and the fireworks were insane. 

So I guess it was safe to say we'd had a long day but it still wasn't over yet. When we got back to the hotel for dinner, we were struck by the employees in the cafeteria dancing the cupid shuffle. And so the obvious thing was to join them. Great fun, that was :)

Unfortunately, it was time for us to say goodbye to all the others, seeing as they'd all be leaving for home the next morning.

And so concluded our last scheduled day.

..........

Day 5 etc...

The next morning, we moved out of our hotel rooms and made our way over to Mike's place :) That day we were all a bit tired of theme parks so we spent the day by the pool and watched movies. Well, everyone else did. I may or may not have fallen asleep on top of poor Mike again, but yaknow, he should be used to that by now XD 

The next few days taught me many things.

Firstly, that sharing a bathroom with six teenagers, specifically *ehem* the boys *ehem*, is more challenging than taking the SATs (by the way, I did not break the shower curtains -_-). 

Secondly, that tucking Emma Riley Kerr into bed is 1,000% impossible.

Thirdly, that apparently I take up lots of space in bed. I refuse to believe that.

Fourth of all, Miss Costa's food is heavenly.

Fifth of all, I didn't fail Chem (we found out our Winter grades while we were there).

It was also a time of lots of firsts. Which included living in the same house as my best friends, sharing a bed with my best friends (again I do not take up that much space Caellum XD) and having my record longest laugh attack ever (roughly one hour and ten minutes). I'm pretty sure I got rock-hard abs that day, not gonna lie. I also managed to watch the first twenty minutes of Star Wars before falling asleep. That would be another record.

Anyway, it was extremely hard not to cry when it was finally time to leave. The entire ride to the airport, I was clutching Jay's hand as if my life depended on it. I was not ready to say goodbye or be done with the best vacation of my life. 

Despite the fact that I was gonna see these guys in less than two weeks, I was gonna miss them so much.

Because we're family.

..........

I really feel like this trip brought us all closer, in more ways than one XD

In all honesty, I know I've mentioned this plenty of times already, but this was truly the best experience I ever had with you guys. And I'd give anything to be back there with you all now (including the ones who didn't get to go). I miss this so freaking much it hurts. I miss hauling each other out of bed in the mornings. I miss getting on people's nerves. I miss screaming on rides and giggling like a child at butterflies that passed by, because that is the magic of Disney.

Disney was able to bring us all back to a time where nothing but ice cream and sprinkles mattered, to a time where fantasy was our only reality, to a time where (excuse my cliche) dreams really did come true. 

I'd give anything to be back in that land of newness with you. 

..........

And if you've made it this far, I congratulate you. This was indeed a long post.

To everyone who went out of their way to make that trip special–thank you. So so very much.

I love you.

Here's to hoping we get to go on another wondrous adventure together!

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S.: And remember kids:

There's a great big beautiful tomorrow

Shining at the end of every day

There's a great big beautiful tomorrow

And tomorrow's just a dream away

Now ignore me as I sing this to myself for the next six months of my life.