I Am From

Hello hi there my loves!

It's been quite a while, I'm super sorry. This isn't quite an update per se, but it's something to tide us over while I try to come up with a general update.

I wrote this for my Freshman Writing Seminar class––we were given a template based on George Ella Lyon's poem "Where I'm From" and were told to fill in the blanks. Figured I'd share :)

..........

I Am From

by Maya I. Wilson Estrella

I am from weathered chancletas,

from Dawn soap and tupperware,

I am from the concrete jungle,

the scent of fried salami.

I am from the blooming orquidias,

the caoba tree whose long limbs

I remember as if they were my own.

I'm from Eleven MnMs and crinkled noses,

from Abuelo and Abuela,

I'm from cackling laughter and petty grudges

and from picking our fingernails raw.

I'm from always be early and never be late,

and two wrongs do not make a right,

I'm from oraciones before bed.

I'm from Queens, New York and the

distant valleys of Ocoa.

Abuelo's dulce de coco and Grandma's tuna melts,

from Grandpa's unjust unemployment and

the politics he fought against.

Yellowed letters written in desperation,

carefully tucked in a forgotten box.

Memories of entire lifetimes scattered among

the new.

..........

Ta daaaaaa there you have it. I remember Yan Diego having to do this in like 6th grade and I thought it was the coolest thing ever :) I hope you enjoyed! Might be posting some other little things I've written recently at some point soon.

I love you all!

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Here Are Some Things You Didn't Need

Evidently I am absolutely atrocious at keeping my word so.

Hello hi. I am still alive.

A great many random things are happening in my life at the moment. Among them:

• After MONTHS of waiting, I finally got my Vassar financial aid package and it ended up amounting to way more than I ever could have thought possible so I am VERY hyped.

• My cousin Natasha started living with us at the beginning of summer and it's been crazy weird to have somewhat of a pseudo older sister around all the time.

• After days/weeks of agonizing over dorms and roommates, I finally got my assignment last Thursday! Though initially bummed about my dorm, some dear friends of mine gave me hope and made me feel better about it.

• I've been babysitting practically nonstop the past few months and as much as I love it, HECK is it exhausting. I do love my kids tho. Very much so. My girls range from six months to eleven years old.

• I am the best sister ever and landed YD some quality paying gigs :)

• I pre-registered for fall semester classes a while back and I am itching to get my hands on my schedule because I wanna see if I got things I actually wanted.

• I forget if I mentioned but we're moving to Vermont??? Long story short, Tia Susan and Tio Bob got offered a wonderful position in Santa Cruz but don't wanna sell their VT house, so Papi is gonna take care of it for a couple of years (Natasha will for as long as she wants to stay there). YD and I will be going there during school breaks if nowhere else. Odd how the building that was never really our house is the closest feeling I have to home.

• Ali and Max will still be living at their own respective places in VT so I'll be happy happy happy to see them more often! :)

• I have made such a beautiful friend in Kota. They are such a bright, wonderful, loving soul. Funny how the universe blesses us in strange ways.

• I've become a tiny bit obsessive with lists and dorm decorating ideas? It's not that bad, I only have like 40 boards of it on Pinterest...

• In terms of moving to VT, Papi has wanted a lil baby kitty for quite some time now but wasn't given the opportunity to have one in New York. Fun fact––Tomorrow me, my dad, and the bros will be out and about searching for our forever kitty <3 I am BEYOND EXCITED!!!!!!

• I finally saw The Lion King in theaters with my fam and as shitty as its reviews were, I honestly liked it. Like, do I regret seeing it in theaters? No. Would I watch it again in theaters? No. For people expecting the same magic and nostalgia as the first one, this ain't it. For people expecting gorgeous artwork, outstanding vocals, and hilarious comedic improv, this hits all the marks. I told YD it sort of felt like a song cover but for a movie. Not a live-action remake, more of an HD hyper-realistic rendition of the artwork and not much messing around with anything else. For what it was, I enjoyed it. Watch it if only for the stunning art. Those artists deserve tons of credit.

• I also watched Avengers: Endgame sometime this summer and Spiderman: Far From Home. Let's just say ow my entire heart is in pain but it's fine. Everything's fine.

• Stranger Things season 3 came out after we waited FOREVER and I was not disappointed one bit. Like, some things coulda been different if I had my say but god bless those children I adore them.

• Sidenote, I'm super delirious right now and might be crashing pretty soon but I figured I should just write. Haven't done it in a while so it was time.

• My dear, sweet Cameron Boyce passed away at 20 and my heart ached for days. It still does. What joy he brought to my life. What joy he brought to the world. We will miss you every day of our lives. Rest easy, darling.

• I have so many things I could write about. I have so many things I should write about but my brain is a little heckin scrambled and it won't be worth trying to unjumble it right now.

• Packing is so wild. Like, I get in weird moods where I'll just do it for hours and hours and clean and organize and reorganize. I might have a problem.

• I'm so sleepy holy fuck

• My wife Megan got me hooked on the Irish show Derry Girls and season 2 just came out on Netflix I am so pumped.

• I still gotta jump on the Euphoria and Succession and Dear White People train. I'll get there. I just have tons of other things to start/finish first.

• There was a brief period of time recently where I was experiencing major medication withdrawal symptoms and let me tell you, I recommend that shit to exactly no one. Like. NADIE. Jesus fuck it was awful.

• Update: I am now also ravenous. Fuck me.

• I'm so excited to hoot with my Owls again and harass my twin Evan and hug my dear Linnea to death <3

• Making new memories is something I'm equally terrified and excited about. This needs to be a new chapter. A new page. A clean slate. I need a new beginning. I do I do I do.

I could probably go on but my eyes are closing and my stomach is gurgling so this is an adiós from me. But that sounds too final so this is more of a "Hablamos pronto. Cuídense. Los amo."

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

About Me, Myself & I

Hey guys. Fair warning: you're not at all obligated to read the following post 'cause I mainly wrote it for myself, but if you're still intrigued, feel free.

I was thinking a lot the other night (surprise, surprise) about a lot of things... One thing led to another and before I knew it, I'd come to the conclusion that I was absolutely and inevitably uninteresting in every single way.

So.

Here I am in the middle of the night, trying to prove myself wrong.

Without further ado and in no particular order, a list of things that make me me.

• 99.99999% of the time, I can't focus when music is playing.
• When doing homework or reading or writing or working on anything that requires focus, I usually put my earbuds in but don't play any music. It's not like it even drowns the sound out or anything but I guess it's just become a habit. As if putting on those earbuds would take me to my own bubble where I could work, uninterrupted.
• I'd love to be a shape-shifter.
• I'd love to live in San Fransisco or someplace in Italy when I grow up.
• I get extremely anxious/irritated when people don't text back right away.
• If I could, I'd eat Dominican rice every day of my life.
• I believe that there are creatures/forces/powers out there that we just don't know about yet. There's more unknown than known.
• One of my friends in 1st grade bit into my right arm to tell me that he liked me.
• Mosquitos should all die.
• I believe a woman should have the right to decide what happens to her body. Within reason, of course.
• I've grown up a cynic as a product of the urban jungle.
• My biggest insecurity has always been either my skin or my height.
• I'm deathly afraid of thunder. Somewhat less afraid of the dark. Fonts helped me be at peace with the latter one.
• I find coffee and tea both absolutely revolting.
• I don't like extreme rollercoasters.
• I secretly love jamming to tween-centered boybands such as One Direction and The Jonas Brothers... Whoops.
• Afraid of heights.
• Super self-conscious about my rambling. I fear people will quickly lose interest in me.
• 100% of the time, I have more thoughts than words I could possibly write down. It drives me up the fucking wall when I can't explain exactly how I feel.
• I'm fifteen and I still don't know how to do my own make up or walk in heels (properly, at least).
• Everyone that's met my parents says that I am an exact combination of both.
• I love it when people play with my hair.
• I pretend like I love all types of food, but I'm actually quite picky.
• I feel much too much for the world. Empathy is a bitch.
• I came out to my mom about being bi on June 28th, 2015. I haven't been disowned, so that's pretty wonderful.
• When I fall for someone, I fall for them hard. Goes hand in hand with the excessive emotions part of me.
• Ever since I dyed a strip of my hair purple, I felt more special, like I could be more of myself as opposed to a boring, cloned product of society.
• I wish I had the ability to communicate with animals.
• I wanna be book smart. The street smart part I've got mostly down.
• I love to be called pet names.
• I'm the worst perfectionist in the world when it comes to personal health: I'm the craziest night owl for most of the year, I don't exercise at all but when I do, I push too hard, and I forget to eat most days.
• I love to cuddle.
• I was raised a Christian and did my First Communion but decided against doing my Confirmation because I didn't feel connected to the church in that way. Although, I do find that I pray a lot more when I'm struggling. I'll take anything I can get to make it better.
• I rarely live in the real world; I spend way too much time daydreaming or fantasizing about the future.
• I want to stay in school for as long as I possibly can to open up as many opportunities as I can. Besides, the longer I can stay away from the real world, the better.
• I have a severe phobia of speaking on the phone.
• I despise 99.99999% of all country music.
• I'm afraid of being taken advantage of in more ways than one.
• I love to sleep on people (they're comfier than pillows).
• I hate horror/thriller movies. That's what gave me insomnia in the first place.
• I love to be taken care of but I also want to be taken seriously. Sure, being the baby is fun sometimes but other times you just want to scream that you've got it sorted.
• I can understand most accents.
• I have mixed feelings about school: I love to learn but I hate the work.
• I've gotten notebooks as gifts for years now. So many that I have an entire stack of empty ones in a drawer at home.
• I've been chronically anxious since 6th grade.
• I always focus on being the one to make a difference. If I can make one person's day by granting them a smile, I'll do anything I can to make it happen.
• I'm in love with slam poetry, musical theatre, performances, rom coms, dramas, and superhero movies.
• Ever since I was little, I had a tendency to... overplan things. Usually waaaaaay in advance. For my 10th birthday, I planned my whole day eight months in advance, down to the minute. I've fantasized about my quinceañera more than half my life, and let's just say I may or may not occasionally fantasize about my future wedding...
• I obsess over few things, but when I do, I never let them go: strawberries, the color purple, and dolphins, to name a few.
• I'm a neat freak most of the time. But mostly just with my own junk.
• The group of friends I've made at the Abbey are the first ones in my whole life that I've ever been entirely myself around.
• I remember most of my dreams.
• I'm a highly affectionate person.
• I'm very open about myself to most people.
• I suffer from severe laugh attacks.
• There are brief spurts of time where I completely forget the English language and just go off rambling in Spanish.
• It took me three entire days to learn how to put in my contacts when I was 12.
• I can't sleep on my stomach or I'll suffocate.
• I'm a master manipulator of my own mind which can be really scary sometimes.
• When I was 8, I used to sing myself to sleep with songs from The Beatles.
• I complain a lot about the weather.
• I still sleep with the same Mr. Bunny I've had since I was two years old.
• I lived in Barcelona for a brief period of time when I was very young.
• I randomly switch thinking in Spanish to English all the time.
• I've gone whale watching three times in my life, and not one single time have I ever seen a whale because my parents accidentally knocked me out each time with Dramamine.
• When it comes to learning the different aspects of theatre, I hate Improv the most. Now, watching trained professionals do Improv, that is definitely somethin'.
• Pinky promises are sacred to me.
• I've read the entire Harry Potter series seven times.
• I had to get special braces because I'm allergic to nickel.
• My fifteenth birthday was by far the greatest one of all time.
• I'm fortunate to have a pretty great relationship with both my parents. I definitely go to them for different things though... Mami deals with practical, logical, straightforward and girl things, while Papi deals with the emotional, philosophical and analytical things.
• If I had a pet dragon, I'd name him Pablo.
• I'd still watch the Backyardigans if I could.
• In middle school, I was the Queen of Dodgeball.
• I've eaten burgers the size of my face in less than two minutes flat.
• I can't paint nails for the life of me.
• Grocery shopping with my dad is one of my all-time favorite things to do.
• I'm super stubborn. Like, annoyingly so.
• I seem peppy and bubbly most of the time but the truth is, I'm more of a natural introvert.
• My dad was the one who got me into theatre. He wanted me to "break out of my shell a little". He's created a monster.
• My first crush was Simba from The Lion King. Closely followed by Aladdin and Flynn Rider.
• I used to think English and Spanish were the same language.
• I'm not good at summarizing. I'm too in love with details.
• I can't look at blood without having the urge to puke. Not even a papercut.
• I want to learn Italian and Portuguese more than anything in the world.
• I have a strange addiction to good smells. I think it's starting to become unhealthy...
• When I'm tired, I regress to the mind of a very loopy four-year-old.
• I look like a hamster when I brush my teeth.
• When I was six, I hated the name Maya so I made everyone call me Isabel for an entire year.
• I spend an embarrassing amount of time dancing in my room by myself...
• I get really whiny when I'm sick.
• I'm deathly afraid of taking risks but I usually push myself to.
• Yan Diego convinced me I was adopted when I was about 5 and I had somewhat of an early-life crisis for a while.
• My dad used to sing me to sleep every night until I was seven years old.
• I bruise easier than a peach.
• I choked on an orange when I was three years old and my Abuelo saved my life.
• I burn before I tan. It's extremely frustrating.
• I had braces for exactly two years.
• I have a terrible immune system.
• My family met Corbin Bleu while we were watching a show on Broadway in 2010 and the only picture we took with him was ruined because my little brother pulled the ugliest face known to man, ultimately destroying the memory forever.
• My favorite games to play as a kid were spies, mermaids, fairies, pirates and hide&seek.
• I'm obsessive about cutting my nails.
• I prefer socks to bare feet.
• I actually don't like Nutella very much. Sue me.
• My favorite snack is bananas with whipped cream <3
• Throughout my life I've wanted to be a ballerina, an astronaut, a teacher, an alligator, a secretary, the president of the United States, a squirrel, a pharmacist, a Disney princess, a belly dancer, a voice actor, an actress, a photographer, a chef, a singer, a writer, a director, Dora, a composer, a psychologist, a tree, and a medieval warrior.
• I never had any nicknames (apart from the ones my dad gave me) until I came to the Abbey.
• I'll only eat tuna the way my mom prepares it (mayo, lime, onions, and Adobo).
• There are multiple stories of me washing the dishes stark naked. Don't ask why.
• I used to spend hours in the bathtub pretending I was in a submarine, researching wildlife.
• I hate tomatoes.
• I'm constantly fidgeting or fiddling with something, whether that's tapping my feet, picking at my split ends or fumbling with whatever I can get my hands on. Staying still is just so impossible. And yet when other people fidget, it bothers the heck outta me. What a lovely hypocrite I am.
• When I'm nervous, I tend to pick at my fingers, look at the ground a lot or rub the bridge of my nose. A lot of giggling is usually involved, as well.
• My favorite ice cream is cookies 'n cream (or vanilla).
• I've suffered from migraines since I was ten years old.
• I prefer cold to heat.
• I've had surgery twice in my life.
• I've never broken any bones, thank God.
• I don't like wearing rings. They feel constricting.
• I hate flip flops.
• When I was in first grade, I convinced my friends that I was an undercover princess from Switzerland that came to save them all from our evil lunch lady.
• I'd convinced myself that I was gonna go my entire highschool career without ever having dated anyone and that I was gonna go to college completely unexperienced. It was a terrifying thought to say the least.
• I want to take photography really badly.
• I have a serious fear of red ants.
• My little brother and I have identical birthmarks on our right arms.
• The movie Hocus Pocus traumatized me as a kid.
• I have a box under my bed with all the writing I've ever done since I was five.
• I used to sleep with all my stuffed animals at night because I was afraid I'd hurt their feelings if I left one out.
• My main concern in life is being a good person.

Note to self: I'm not going to apologize for who I am. Not anymore.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Para Papi

My Spanish skills were a bit rusty so I made my lamest attempt at translating a poem I already wrote ("To My Dad") and showing it to y'all in Spanish *insert awko taco smiley face here*

Mind you, there won't be any accents on the words that require them because I am not that skilled in the foreign keyboard department.

..........

Cuando era chiquita, mi papa solia decorar mi almohada con polvo de hadas porque decia que mantendría las pesadillas a calma.

El decia que yo tenia el poder de encender las luces aun cuando estaban apagadas.

"Papi," yo decia, "No tengo poderes especiales. Donde encuentro la abilidad de apagar todo lo que me aterra y como evito a que me consuma?"

Me conto de como mi nombre era magico--Maya significa magia--y de como todo ese poder viene de una magia antigua llamada creyendo en uno mismo.

Papi, durante toda primaria, me escribias notas en servilletas, doblandolas como tesoros antes de ponerlas cuidadosamente en mi lonchera, asique cada dia en el almuerzo, me acordaba de tu voz.

Papi, lamento que te pedi que lo dejaras.

Lamento que lo llame tonto.

En secundaria, me viste crecer de extrovertida a introvertida y aun nunca dejaste de sonreir cuando me veias en el escenario. 

Cuando me equivocaba, me abrazabas y me decias que tan bien lo hice.

Aguantaste cada momento de telenovela con paciencia unica, dejandome usar tus t-shirts como pañuelos.

Cuando reprobe mi primer examen, no me gritaste, sino me dijiste que intentara mejor para la proxima. 

Cuando te dije cuanto me odiaba a mi misma, no perdiste el control ni me mandaste a un manicomio.

Cuando te dije que talvez era torcida, no discutiste y lo dejaste ir.

Cuando te dije que te necesitaba, te quedaste aqui.

Papi, lo siento. Te tome por hecho.

Papi, gracias.

Gracias por besar cada herida, por secar cada lagrima, por hacer cada chiste, por cocinar cada cena, por cada intento de trenzar mi pelo, por aceptar el hecho de que no soy atleta.

Repito--No soy atleta. 

Papi, lamento que no me entrene mejor.

Lamento que no soy tan fuerte como pensabas.

Lamento que tire las servilletas, lamento haber dispuesto de ti, por pensar que era muy cool y por dejar la magia ir.

Aun dices que debo creer en mi misma y 

Papi, estoy tratando,

Pero no se si nos queda polvo de hadas y ya he limpiado las memorias tal y como estaban en mi almohada--ni una sola era magica-- y no se cuanto sera hasta que salga el sol en la mañana pero

Papi, te extraño.

Me preguntaste que queria para Navidad y Dios mio, que daria por tener uno de esos poderes magicos, pero creo que ahora quiero una luz en vez de.

..........

Not all the grammar is 100% the way I want it to be and since the original is in English, I couldn't translate it exactly the same way, so it may be missing some elements that I personally love.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed that even if you didn't understand a single word :)

Hasta la próxima!

Much love xoxo

Maya

Dearest Disbelievers

I mentioned in a previous post that I might be posting one of my slam poems and I thought why the hell not? So here we go. Up next comes a strong opinion about being biracial, more specifically about being a white Latina.

..........

Dearest Disbelievers

Contrary to popular belief, Spanish was actually my first language.

I’m Dominican American, you see.

“Wait, so if you’re like… Hispanic… why are you like… white?”

Well, ignorant, uncultured stranger, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret:

Not all Latinos are tan.

I know. Shocker!

Just like we also don’t wear grass skirts and drink piña coladas by the beach all day.

My parents decided that if my siblings and I were to grow up in America, mingle with Gringos and speak English all day, we might as well have Latin sounding names, hence: Yan Diego, Javier Alberto and Maya Isabel.

When I was seven, my family moved to the Dominican Republic.

Lunch was always the mingling fireworks of sancocho in my mouth, the salty sweetness of platano maduro and the garlic aroma of arepitas.

Abuelo would hum to the tune of old bachatas while he spiced up the kitchen.

Mami always said she’d teach me to dance merengue because she claimed Latin music was in my blood.

Papi would laugh and stumble over a language he only learned to speak at age thirty, trying his hardest to blend into a culture that was too loud for his Californian vibes.

At first, I didn’t feel any different at school than I did at home.

But then the stares never left my straight hair nor did the kids remember that I, too, could speak in their language, forgetting I knew whom they were talking about when they snickered “la blanquita.”

I was only a little white girl to them, you see.

I wasn’t Dominicana. I didn’t dance salsa.

I couldn’t dip into every valley that was the rolling of my r’s.

But then how come Abuela called me nieta since birth?

How come I only feel at home when my hips are swaying to Bambas?

How come when I went home every night, I sat down to eat La Bandera?

How can a culture so present in me, so loud, so THERE be silenced by the color of my skin?

How come my cousins, sun-kissed and coil-haired, who have never step foot in Dominicana, be considered more Hispanic than a white girl who’s lived there more than half her life?

How come my first words were in tongues only found overseas?

Abuelo’s spoken to me about Trujillo—about a dictatorship that smothered our music, smothered our freedom; trampled the stamp that is our flag so we couldn’t raise it any higher than our feet, so we felt we had nowhere we belonged to.

When I go home over break, I want to dance in syncopated rhythms, speak the song that is Lengua Española, gorge myself with con-con, paella, tostones, mangú, fritos, guandules, yuca y salami—stand tall in a land I was not born in, but a land I call my own.

There’s a Dominican flag hanging above my bed in my room here at the Abbey.

It’s a red and blue treasure map, raised with pride, always guiding me home.

..........

There we go. Kinda proud of it, I will admit that. 

And with that, I leave you lovely humans/creatures/preferred-noun.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya