Insomnia Never Gets Old

 Been a while since I took to the blog to attempt to hack my insomnia. 

Honestly, it feels like I'm fourteen again, dreading nighttime because even though I may have been a bear in another life, I can't get my stupid human body to cooperate and go the fuck to sleep. I used to take melatonin for it but it always left me feeling groggy in the morning. Then years passed and one psychiatrist or another prescribed Trazodone, which I can only describe as horse tranquilizer. It knocked me out for a full twenty-four hours so I opted not to continue it. Thanks a lot for wasting an entire day of my life -_-

I stayed at my dad's last night 'cuz yesterday was his 57th birthday and Yan Diego and I wanted to celebrate it by going out to dinner, just the three of us. It was really nice. The bro and I split a chicken Milanese salad while my dad ordered a spinach-mushroom type risotto (which I obviously stole some bites of because DUH). After dinner, we all ventured off to buy beer except I forgot about the laws on selling alcohol after 8pm in most places, so a gas station selection would have to do. Papi and YD both chose their faves while I hung back; wasn't much feeling the need for alc. Then the sweetest man running the counter rang us up and handed me two lollipops (presumably because he thought I was underage and was feeling left out by not getting my own drinks). Now, I'm fully twenty-two years old and 10000000% could've legally bought my own if I wanted, but I'll take free lollipops any day.

We ended up taking the long way home (with my idiot brother pausing to pee behind a bush). Once we got back, I greeted Scout and Phoenix with high-pitched affection and sat down so we could begin watching The Batman (Edward Cullen version). The movie was A THOUSAND YEARS LONG but very worth it. Of course, it didn't help that I kept having to pause every thirty minutes so I could recap what was going on... At one point I even got Yan Diego to make me an entire bowl of mac 'n cheese while recapping. Overall, I thought it was genius, brilliantly written, designed, edited, acted, etc. It did give me wicked anxiety though because the villains felt all too realistic and the misogyny some of the characters faced felt a wee bit too relatable eeek

Then Papi went to bed and I spent the next hour forcing Yan Diego to watch trash Riverdale compilations on Youtube. His old ass called it around 3am ('cuz he's a working man and all) and so we went back upstairs to the room we share. He and I haven't shared a room since I was seven and he was ten. Now we're twenty-two and twenty-five, him having taken over my mattress while I'm at college, and me occupying the couch sectional in the corner. And I know it's not like we actually share a room anymore (I'm never usually home), but something about it felt safe and familiar and old. We spent our early childhoods in Queens, NY; what feels like lifetimes later, we're in Po-town, NY. Still sharing a room. It made me long for my childhood like an absolute blubbering sap. Because here I am, twenty-two and a junior in college, feeling as tired and aged as my eighty-somethin'-year-old grandparents. 

I miss writing for fun. To feel things. To make others feel. I miss reading for pleasure. And waking up refreshed without an alarm. I miss spending all day off my phone (because I didn't have one), not a care in the world. I don't want to pay bills. I don't want to file taxes. I don't want to have to remember meetings and rehearsals and appointments. I want to wake up whenever I feel, eat sugary cereal and watch Cyber Chase. Or sit sprawled across the floor with coloring utensils. Or balled up in a hammock reading the very first Harry Potter book. I miss chocolate milk mornings and Beatles for bedtime. I miss giggling in the backseat and having no knowledge of car accidents. I miss easy homework and imagination for days. I miss my little self. I know people are always saying there's no use fixating on the past but I didn't know how quickly mine would be ripped away from me. So I'm allowed to long.

I'd forgotten what writing on here felt like. Like never-ending flutters on a keyboard, letting my thoughts dictate whatever they fancied. I'd forgotten how... freeing? it feels to ramble uninterrupted, uncensored, and with no agenda. I don't even get to do that in therapy!

I'm still feeling nostalgic and I doubt I'll make it to bed at an appropriate time but here's to trying.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

I'm Feeling Old Now

Will this be my only post this year? Let's hope not.

..........

1. What did you do in 2021 that you'd never done before?

Got my first tattoo!!! And second. And third. Got my first covid vaccine!!! And second. And third. Ordered my first legal drink. Got shwasted. Drank in front of my grandparents at my cousin's wedding. Dated a woman (whom I am still head over heels for!) Did the lesbian deed with said woman lmao. Did my first ever wine tasting *heart eyes* Said wine tasting occurred with said woman in EUROPE so, basically my life is better than yours.

2. Did you keep your New Years Resolutions and will you make more for next year?

During a parmesan panorama punani pandemmy? Resolutions? More like I've been trying to stay alive, thanks.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My cousin Chloe had a baby girl born on my same exact birthday! Baby Lily is now my birthday twin, only twenty-one years younger :)

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Riccardo. It was too soon, my dear friend.

5. What countries did you visit?

I actually have fun answers this time! And you wouldn't think it 'cuz corona but still! I, of course, spent an annoying amount of time in the US and sadly didn't get to visit DR. However, I did get to visit the love of my life in SWITZERLAND of all places??? And then we took a quick little weekend trip to France, like...  my life cannot get more romantic or romanticized than that.

6. What would you like to have in 2022 that you lacked in 2021?

Predictability. Stability. A steady income. The usual.

7. What dates from 2021 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

February. First tattoo!
March 6. My 21st Birthday!!! (also hbd Lily)
April 20. No longer a lesbian virgin lol.

July. Memphis!!!

October. Switzerland <3 France <3 Zoë <3

December 2. Death Day Debut ;)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Having the courage, determination, and the nerve to stand up for myself against my school administration when they were being classist, ableist, elitest fucks. And also getting to play a Latina character for the first time in my life—that was truly something.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Whoa there buddy, let's use some less violent language there, shall we? I wish I had noticed my value and worth in friendships and relationships sooner. I wish I had dropped people who did not serve me and realized sooner that they did not deserve me. I wish I had listened to my dear ones' warnings.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Ya girl is literally chronically mentally ill ahaha but other than that, didn't get the 'rona *knock on wood* so that's a win. I only had to put up with the lovely, delightful symptoms of aging, such as horrific tendonitis flare-ups in both my knees, among other less glamorous things.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Plane tickets to see my Zoë <3 Oh and AN iPAD FOR SCHOOL THAT LITERALLY CHANGED MY LIFE (thank you Sabrina)!!!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Not even gonna lie: mine. I did so much work on myself this past year, it's kinda wild and deserves recognition. And sure, I may not be where I want to be yet but I did some badass things that previous me never would have been able to.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?

Many, of course, but I've got someone specific in mind. No matter, she won't be making appearances around here anymore.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Take-out food binges. And plane tickets (dear god they cost as much as a mortgage).

15. What did you get really, really excited about?

My first tattoo! Getting to star in a play that centered young, powerful Latinx voices. Getting to visit my girlfriend in EUROPE?!!! Truly any time I got to see her was a gift.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2021?

Head Over Feet. Jagged Little Pill Cast.

Kiss Me More. Doja Cat ft. SZA

MONTERO. Lil Nas X.

good 4 u. Olivia Rodrigo.

Woman. Doja Cat.

Balancing the Scales. Barlow & Bear.

Heat Waves. Glass Animals.

Best Friend. Saweetie ft. Doja Cat.

Woman. Diana Gordon.

DÁKITI. Bad Bunny ft. Jhay Cortez.

34+35. Ariana Grande.

drivers license. Olivia Rodrigo.

Levitating. Dua Lipa ft. DaBaby.

space girl. Frances Forever.

Promiscuous. Nelly Furtado ft. Timbaland.

abcdefu. GAYLE.

STAY. The Kid LAROI ft. Justin Bieber.

Shivers. Ed Sheeran.
Easy On Me. Adele.

INDUSTRY BABY. Lil Nas X ft. Jack Harlow.

Bad Habits. Ed Sheeran.

Do It To It. ACRAZE ft. Cherish.

All Too Well (Taylor's Version). Taylor Swift.

Happier Than Ever. Billie Eilish.

love nwantiti (ah ah ah). CKay.

Beggin. Måneskin.

Oh My God. Adele.

SAD GIRLZ LUV MONEY Remix. Amaarae ft. Kali Uchis, Moliy

One Right Now. Post Malone ft. The Weeknd.

traitor. Olivia Rodrigo.

Smokin Out The Window. Bruno Mars, Anderson .Paak, Silk Sonic.

Need to Know. Doja Cat.

THATS WHAT I WANT. Lil Nas X.

I AM WOMAN. Emmy Meli.

Ghost. Justin Bieber.

Meet Me At Our Spot. THE ANXIETY, WILLOW, Tyler Cole.

Peaches. Justin Bieber ft. Daniel Caesar, Giveon.

Life Goes On. Oliver Tree.

edamame. bbno$ ft Rich Brian.

GHOST TOWN. Benson Boone.

Don't Go Yet. Camila Cabello.

Save Your Tears. The Weeknd ft. Ariana Grande.

Bored. Billie Eilish.

Build a Bitch. Bella Poarch.

deja vu. Olivia Rodrigo.

Rasputin. Majestic, Boney M.

Astronaut in the Ocean. Masked Wolf.

Heartbreak Anthem. Galantis ft. David Guetta, Little Mix.

I GUESS I'M IN LOVE. Clinton Kane. 

telepatía. Kali Uchis.

Leave The Door Open. Bruno Mars, Anderson .Paak, Silk Sonic.

MAMMAMIA. Måneskin.

In Da Getto. J Balvin ft. Skrillex.

We're Good. Dua Lipa.

Beautiful Mistakes. Maroon 5 ft Megan Thee Stallion.

Prisoner. Miley Cyrus ft. Dua Lipa.

Good Days. SZA.

Dinero. Trinidad Cardona.

Heartbreak Anniversary. Giveon.

Love Again. Dua Lipa.

Dark Red. Steve Lacy.

Butter. BTS.

Blinding Lights. The Weeknd.

Mood. 24kGoldn ft. iann dior.

Watermelon Sugar. Harry Styles.

Up. Cardi B.

positions. Ariana Grande.

Lemonade. Internet Money ft. Gunna, Don Toliver, NAV.

WITHOUT YOU. The Kid LAROI.

Supalonely. BENEE, Gus Dapperton.

Holy. Justin Bieber ft. Chance the Rapper.

A-O-K. Tai Verdes.

pov. Ariana Grande.

Physical. Dua Lipa.

Say So. Doja Cat. 

Thot Shit. Megan Thee Stallion.

Jalebi Baby. Tesher ft. Jason Derulo.

motive. Ariana Grande ft. Doja Cat.

Ain't Shit. Doja Cat.

Buss It. Erica Banks.

Get Into It (Yuh). Doja Cat.

Cry Baby. Megan Thee Stallion ft. DaBaby.

Dick. StarBoi3 ft. Doja Cat.

Into The Thick of It. The Backyardigans.

Iko Iko (My Bestie). Justin Wellington ft. Small Jam.

WHOLE LOTTA MONEY. Bia ft. Nicki Minaj.

Bills, Bills, Bills. Destiny's Child.

Like I Can. Sam Smith.

GUY.exe. Superfruit.

Have Mercy. Chlöe.

Running Away. VANO 3000, BADBADNOTGOOD, Samuel T. Herring.

Bananza (Belly Dancer). Akon.

my ex's best friend. Machine Gun Kelly ft. blackbear.

WAP. Cardi B ft. Megan Thee Stallion.

Circles. Post Malone.

Man's World. MARINA.

Dress. Charlotte Sands.

MANCHILD. Emily Bear.

Candy. Machine Gun Kelly ft. Trippie Redd.

Maneater. Nelly Furtado.

Mind Over Matter. Anthony Ramos.

She. Dodie.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

(a) Moods are in constant fluctuation but overall, I'd say happier.
(b) What on earth is up with these invasive questions? I gained more weight than I ever have in my life and I'm learning to be okay with it.
(c) I'm only a fraction of a fraction richer than I was, monetarily speaking. With everything else though, I'd say exponentially.

18. What do you wish you had done more of?

I wish for every possible moment with Zoë. I wish I had done some more writing, sleeping, dreaming.

19. What do you wish you had done less of?

Giving people who weren't worth it the time of day. And gosh, I need to spend less time on my phone.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With my dad, the kitties, and the bros in our tiny apartment in NY. It was the best one we've had in years.

21. Did you fall in love in 2021?

Oh my, did I... She's everything and more.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Chrisley Knows Best.

One Day At A Time.

New Girl.

Julie & The Phantoms.

Peaky Blinders.
Maid.

Outer Banks.

Next in Fashion.

Sex Education.

Derry Girls.

Dead to Me.

Schitt's Creek.

The Queen's Gambit.

The Great British Baking Show.

23. Do you hate someone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Usually, I'd say hate is a pretty strong word but honestly I'd go so far as to say yeah. This warrants it.

24. What was the best book you read?

Dear god... did I read a single book this year? Uh... I'll get back to you on that.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

RATATOUILLE THE TIKTOK MUSICAL omfg greatest thing ever invented.
Måneskin, sexy beasts that they are.

Barlow&Bear, the talented-beyond-belief duo of my dreams.

26. What did you want and get?

True love <3 Experiences of a lifetime.

27. What did you want and not get?

An apology.

28. What was your favorite film of the year?

I dunno if you noticed but... it's been kinda ~impossible~ to go to the movies as of late so many of these had to wait. Luckily, the internet exists.

Luca.

In the Heights.

Black Widow.

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings.
Encanto.

Don't Look Up.

The French Dispatch.

tick, tick... BOOM!

I have yet to see:

Spiderman: No Way Home (if anyone spoils this for me, I will personally make sure the rest of your life is filled with tiny innumerable inconveniences)

Being the Ricardos.

Licorice Pizza.

West Side Story.

House of Gucci.

C'mon C'mon.

Spencer.

Old.

Cyrano.

Wolf.

Minari.

29. What is one thing that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Look, when I tell you lesbians do it better... they really truly do lmao

30. How would you describe your fashion concept in 2021?

Cottagecore-wannabe/baby-sapphic/yikes-depression.

31. What kept you sane?

Weed lmao kiddinggg (not really) But also my fierce, incomparably loyal friends. And doing theatre. Performing. Singing. Cooking. And knowing how long it would be 'til I could see Zoë again.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Doja Cat is just *perfection* Also, Zoë got me hooked on Machine Gun Kelly and I'm not mad about it. And of course, as always, Zendaya and Tom Holland, who will always have my heart.

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

I'm not even gonna go there. I was simply astonished by how blatantly selfish and arrogant some choose to be.

34. Who do you miss?

Titi. Mami. Zoë. A lot of people.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2021.

Sometimes, people you thought loved you will absolutely break your heart. Hard as it might be, it's okay to let them go. Get angry! Anger is powerful and deserves to be felt! You deserve to have people in your life who will see your value and worth no matter what the circumstance and choose you every time. Make no space for nonsense. You are a GIFT—and not one anyone should take for granted.

36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"You've already won me over, in spite of me

And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

And don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn't help it, it's all your fault."

"Head Over Feet" by Alanis Morissette

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Para Mami

Algo que quice escribir hace mucho. Ya basta de esperar.

..........

Para Mami

by: Maya I. Wilson Estrella

I can’t seem to write about anyone but you.

Wanting you to love me. Wanting you to care.

Wanting you to treasure me and always be there.

I’ve been so far away. I haven’t left you notes. 

If I had, would you even read what I wrote?

Wanting you to be proud. Wanting to be good.

Wanting to be just as loud and also understood.

Hold my hand, please. It’s been so long.

I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t want to be wrong.

Have I been missed? Do you remember my name?

It’s me, Ma. Did you notice the rain?

It’s your eyes, your smile, your nose.

I’ve still got all my fingers and all of my toes.

Wanting you closer. Wanting to forget.

Wishing I’d called. Wishing you’d fret.

There were nice parts sometimes.

Petting my hair back, temple kisses, applause.

The times I was purer and devoid of flaws.

You read to me, danced with me, I sang in the womb.

Why’d I have to go on and grow up so soon?

Mándame besos, bendiciones, tu fuerza, tu paz.

Muéstrame que yo sí soy capaz.

I’ll miss you for always, I’ll love you forever,

Gracias a Dios our relationship is better.

..........

Te quiero, Mami.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Temporary Relief Part 3

And we're back with some more nonsense. Enjoy :)

..........

1. What's the best stress reliever you know?

Being near animals (preferably ones that love you) or listening to Potterless :)

2. What's the happiest song ever written?

Three Little Birds by Bob Marley. It's also the saddest song I know.

3. If you were guaranteed to be 20% happier, could you give up TV forever?

I mean, I haven't watched cable since I was probably around nine years old but if you're referring to all the Netflix and Hulu and Amazon and HBO series that exist in the world, hell no, I would never give those up. Art is my life source. I don't care how much happier I could be without it.

4. Would you rather deal with a problem head-on or avoid it forever?

Uhhhhhh you know me and my conflicts... If I could make them disappear with no real consequences, that'd be pretty neat.

5. Do you spend more time socializing through the computer or in the company of friends?

The thing is I'm blessed enough to have friends all over the world so I may not always be in the same immediate area as them. Whenever I am able to be in their physical company though, of course I would take advantage of that. It would be foolish of me not to.

6. Do you worry more about the little or the big things?

It's the little things that become big things more often than not, no?

7. Is the richest person you know significantly happier than you?

Lmao probably. The things good healthcare can get you, I'm just sayin'...

8. What's the best music to exercise with?

Oooo great question. I tend to pull out my Latin dance remixes, those never fail. But I guess one could never go wrong with a good Dua Lipa or Ariana Grande jam.

9. Are you an open book?

Annoyingly, yes.

10. What were three of your favorite moments today?

Booping Phoenix on the nose, buying Platanitos at TJ Maxx, and watching Schitt's Creek with Natasha.

11. What's a great memory you have of a stranger giving you assistance?

When I was fourteen years old, I was stalked, harassed and verbally assaulted by a grown man while on a flight, and then later through the connecting airport. Since I was an unaccompanied minor, an employee was assigned to watch over me as I made my connecting flight. This beautiful, warm, angel of a Jamaican woman saw to it that the man was taken away by security and proceeded to hug me close to her chest, wiping away my tears as I shook with the fear from it all. Most of the attacks made were about my identity and the lady took my face in both her hands to tell me no one will ever have the right to tell me who I am—only I define that. It has stuck with me ever since.

12. What smell reminds you of childhood?

Nesquick chocolate milk, sizzling garlic and onions, and saltwater air.

13. Are you willing to ask for help when you need it?

I'd like to think I'm better about that now.

14. Where would you volunteer if you had a free day tomorrow?

Ideally, there are so many places I'd love to give a helping hand to. Realistically, my current option would probably be an animal shelter <3

15. What was the most creative time of your life?

Every time I never wanted to see the light of day again.

16. How much energy do you spend seeking appreciation versus giving it?

I'm hoping it's an even split but quite honestly, I love praise whoops ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

17. What's the most persuasive outside influence on your life?

Cooler weather. Seriously.

18. Do you ever feel guilty for being happy?

All the time.

19. What's your favorite daydream?

A happy, healthy, stable life void of excess suffering.

20. What was the best vacation you ever took?

Ireland, babeyyyyy!!!

21. Who's the most optimistic person you know?

My Abuelo. He's seen it all and he still chooses love and life every time.

22. What's the best way you've found to deal with criticism?

Taking a step back to reflect on the source and where it might be coming from.

23. How do you unnecessarily spend money?

On anything that smells good, ever lol

24. What do you know that can be happy in any situation?

Ice cream doesn't fix everything, but it certainly makes things better.

25. Who has the most beautiful smile in the world?

My dad :)

..........

Just a few things to keep the unpleasantries at bay.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Things I Want to Tell My Younger Self

Hey, babe. Sit down, you're gonna wanna hear this:

• Stop picking at your face. I know it's tempting, but don't.

• Bad people don't care about whether or not they're a good person. The fact that you care speaks for itself.

• The voices will go away eventually. They'll be replaced by more loving thoughts like, "It's okay to feel so much. It means you are special."

• I know it's hard to believe, but school is not everything. Life goes on without it and your grades do not equate to your value. You are worth more than your grades.

• Oily skin will keep you looking younger longer ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

• You need to eat, kid. I know sometimes it feels like you don't deserve it or you didn't earn it, but you need it to stay alive. We need you alive.

• You are not too sensitive. You are you, and that is enough.

• You were always radiant, even when you didn't like yourself.

• Helping people is great, but it's not selfish to help yourself first. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

• Not everyone will like you. And that's okay. Don't waste time trying to make them.

• You don't owe anyone anything. Especially not your personhood.

• It was not your fault.

• No one is ever too old for stuffed animals.

• You do not need to put up with people who don't know your worth. Family included.

• Stop biting your cuticles, dummy. That's why they're always bleeding.

• Moisturize!!!

• Wear your goddamn retainers.

• You do not need to be a "lady" to be respected.

• Who gives a fuck if you shave or not? You choose.

• You do not have to fit into a box. Don't be something just because others expect you to be.

• Trust your first instinct. I mean it.

• Your boobs will grow, relax.

• You do not have to be stellar at something to enjoy it.

• Listen to music that makes you happy. Sad music is fine, but not all the time.

• Your body is not as weird as you think it is.

• Do not take opinions from people you wouldn't go to for advice.

• Your parents will let you down. It's okay. The world will go on, and you will learn to take care of yourself.

• Not making your bed isn't that big of a deal.

• Draw stick figures. Who cares.

• You are much stronger than you think.

• Not painting your nails doesn't make you any less girly.

• Being feminine is NOT a weakness.

• You don't always have to smile at people. Especially not when they tell you to.

• Camping is just as bad as you think it is. Don't do it lmao

• Save. Your. Money.

• Even if you're too tired to get out of bed, drink some water. You will have done something productive that day.

• Your laugh is a great one. Don't let it go to waste.

• Stop ignoring your leftovers!!!

• You absolutely CAN rock that haircut.

• Those who love you will not care whom you love.

• Some things just kinda suck. Let them suck and then move on.

• You are allowed to get angry. You have every right to be angry.

• Crying does not make you weak. It doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn't.

• Alcohol is gross. You're not missing out.

• Call him out on his bullshit. It's not okay.

• When all else fails, you've still got the moon and the stars rooting for you. Astrology isn't all made up ;)

Hasta la próxima,

Much love, nena xoxo

Maya <3 

Perhaps the First Good Year

Once again, I'm the worst. To be fair, though, this time I didn't have internet on the day it was meant to be posted sooooo.......... Pretend this was posted on December 31st lmao XD

You won't even believe it but this year was the beginning of good news. Good news! For me! That hasn't happened for me in years, and that is not an exaggeration. Anyhow, this post was a lot more fun to write this time because it wasn't the same old depressing bullshit. At least for the most part.

1. What did you do in 2019 that you'd never done before?

Hmm, I'm trying to remember... Oh right. I FINISHED MY FIRST EVER FULL SEMESTER OF COLLEGE!!! FUCK YEAH!!! I also became a waitress for the first time, got fired for the first time (from that same job lol), became a dogwalker and a babysitter simultaneously, initiated my first ever breakup (that's huge for me, I've never been the one to initiate the split), I learned how to cartwheel, how to change a tire, I had my first ever successful hookup, I stood up to men who thought they could get away with treating me condescendingly and coercively, I performed in community theatre for the first time, I adopted KITTIES!, I became the primary caretaker/financial supporter in my household for a period of time, I experienced hunger, I overcame said hunger along with a bunch of other challenges and now I am here :)

2. Did you keep your New Years Resolutions and will you make more for next year?

I think I remember saying all I wanted for myself was self-compassion. It wasn't always easy but dear God, I think I finally am starting to get the hang of it. Next year, I want to continue on that track but also try to develop some more healthy day-to-day routines. Nothing should be more of a priority than my health.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My cousin Alex and his wife Chelsea had their first child together, Xander, and he's the cutest little nugget there ever was. Also, WE ADOPTED TWO INSANELY CRAZY AND ADORABLE CATS AND I'M OVER THE MOON ABOUT IT.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Mike Meads was in the year below me and even though I'd never been close to him, his death was unexpected and tragic and hurt many lives. Then Mary Oliver, Luke Perry, and Cameron Boyce, other untimely tragedies that shook my soul more than I thought they would. It was also the first anniversary of Titi's death. That was hard.

5. What countries did you visit?

US and DR, baby. I'm a predictable bitch.

6. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019?

I think just more financial security and the ability to find consistent routines that work for me.

7. What dates from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

January 5th. Send in college apps.
January 6th. YD goes to Rome.
January 22nd. First day waitressing.
February 9th. Visit Evan and Linnea <3
February 11th. First (initiated) breakup.
February 14th. Margaritowlville!
February 16th. Freaky Friday.
February 23rd. Meet Noah!
March 6th. Last teen year.
March 9th. Into the Spiderverse.
March 17th. Doña Flor y Sus Dos Maridos.
April 1st. Vassar says yes!
April 5th. NEWSIES.
April 11th. First time getting fired :/
April 20th. Dogsit for Shea.
April 24th. Hadestown <3
April 25th. Change a tire.
May 5th. Seussical.
May 10th. Les Mis.
May 18th. Nat's Dance Recital!
May 26th. Babies' graduation!
May 27th. Brunch Reunion w/ Fonts, Claire & Clara.
June 8th. Minigolf with CJ, NJ + Matt.
June 14th. WIFE!!!
June 21st. Whose Live Is It Anyway w/ The Martins.
June 30. Pride with Kota.
July 6th. RIP Cameron Boyce <3
July 12th. Spiderman: Far From Home.
July 30th. Marshland Conservancy.
August 6th. Kitty Adoption Day!
August 22nd. Vassar Round 2.
August 30th. Titi <3
September 15th. Owl Sing-Ins!
October 10th. Still.
October 11th. The Flick.
October 31st. O'Hysteria.
November 13th. Summertime/Wintertime.
November 22nd. Safe Hands.
November 23rd. Nina.
December 4th. Fun Home.
December 12th. Owls Final Concert.
December 14th. Beats Final Concert.
December 19th. Beats Suite Christmas.
December 20th. Return to the island.
December 21st. The Big Chop.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I somehow managed to make myself my number 1 priority. It didn't always work and there definitely were times where I had to put my family first but at least I didn't fall into the trap of needing a companion to get me through it all. I was there to get me through it all. I was capable and strong and determined and I was enough.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I don't really like to think of anything as a failure because from our mistakes, we learn. I would have liked to continue and get through my Fundamentals of Music class, but ultimately I made the right decision in withdrawing. It was sucking up all my energy and time and was wrecking my mental health so I'm glad I let it go.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Oh goodness, my immune system has never been the strongest and after working so closely with kids so often, you pick up all their gross little germs. Needless to say, I was pretty consistently sick for about half of this year. Finished the year off with a month and a half long bout of bronchitis :)

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Tickets to Hadestown. Wouldn't have traded them for the world.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My usual go-to's, Linnea and Evan—I seriously don't know what I'd do without them; my cousin Natasha who is the older sister I never had; Papi for breaking the cycle that had been eating at him for the past five years; and my lovely roommate Jessica, who made coming back to school the most fun ever.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?

So many people in power. It's nauseating, really.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Groceries, rent, medical bills. That's what life as a real adult is like.

15. What did you get really, really excited about?

Seeing Hadestown with my dad as our joint birthday present :) Performing Newsies with a cast of unbelievably amazing people. Adopting two precious kitties <3 Rejoining the path of college education. Getting to sing with my Night Owls once more. Watching professional-grade theatre for free because my college's drama department slaps. The new Dominican food place down the street from my dorm.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2019?

Señorita by Camila Cabello & Shawn Mendes
Old Town Road by Lil Nas X
I BEEN BORN AGAIN by BROCKHAMPTON
bad guy by Billie Eilish
7 rings by Ariana Grande
Sucker by Jonas Brothers
Lights Up by Harry Styles
Dancing With a Stranger by Sam Smith ft Normani
Circles by Post Malone
If I Can't Have You by Shawn Mendes
Dance Monkey by Tones and I
Juice by Lizzo
bury a friend by Billie Eilish
break up with your girlfriend, im bored by Ariana Grande
DDU-DU DDU-DU by BLACKPINK
Beautiful People by Ed Sheeran
Watermelon Sugar by Harry Styles
Cool by Jonas Brothers
BOY BYE by BROCKHAMPTON
Tempo by Lizzo ft Missy Elliot
Movement by Hozier
2 by H.E.R.
Greedy by Ariana Grande
Earth by Lil Dicky
Nightmare by Halsey
Kill This Love by BLACKPINK
Con Calma by Daddy Yankee
Back Pocket by Vulfpeck
365 by Zedd ft Katy Perry
Boys by Lizzo
bloodline by Ariana Grande
Exactly How I Feel by Lizzo ft Gucci Mane
Grow As We Go by Ben Platt
NO HALO by BROCKHAMPTON
i'm so tired by Lauv ft Troye Sivan
Truth Hurts by Lizzo
Funky Duck by Vulfpeck
MONOPOLY by Ariana Grande ft Victoria Monét
Mount Everest by Labrinth
Level Up by Ciara
Go DJ by KAYTRANADA ft SiR
The Box by Roddy Rich
thank u, next by Ariana Grande
Down Bad by Dreamville ft JID, J. Cole, EARTHGANG, Young Nudy
Need It by KAYTRANADA ft Masego
Solita by Kali Uchis
Fred Astaire by Jukebox The Ghost
Que Calor by Major Lazer ft J Balvin & El Alfa
All For Us by Labrinth ft Zendaya
Narcos by Migos
MALAMENTE by ROSALIA
151 Rum by JID
Hold Up by Beyoncé
Stop Your Crying by Lake Street Drive
Trampoline by SHAED ft ZAYN
River by Leon Bridges
i love you by Billie Eilish
Obsessed by Mariah Carey
Hey DJ by CNCO ft Yandel
Undrunk by FLETCHER
Teeth by 5 Seconds of Summer
hot girl bummer by blackbear
16 shots by Steffon Don
Lalala by Y2K, bbno$
Callaita by Bad Bunny ft Tainy
Don't Call Me Angel by Ariana Grande, Miley Cyrus ft Lana del Rey
California Dreamin' by The Mamas & The Papas
Jailbreak the Tesla by Injury Reserve by Aminé
I THINK by Tyler, The Creator
715 Creeks by Bon Iver
Good Kisser by Lake Street Drive
My Type by Saweetie
Jesus Is The One (I Got Depression) by Zack Fox, Kenny Beats

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

(a) Definitely happier. Without a doubt.
(b) Probably fatter lol Gaining muscle is exhausting.
(c) I think richer but it certainly doesn't feel like it what with all the adulting.

18. What do you wish you had done more of?

Enjoying the moment. Feeling confident in my abilities. Writing.

19. What do you wish you had done less of?

It may come as no surprise to you but worrying. It's time-consuming and unnecessary. Things work out in the end, not always the way we want them to but they do.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Uneventfully at my mom's apartment in DR surrounded by my fam.

21. Did you fall in love in 2019?

I'd like to say I learned how to fall in love with myself.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Where do I even start? Here are the ones that come to mind:

Dead to Me
Derry Girls
Scrubs
Riverdale
Friends (I watched all 10 seasons in about three weeks oops)
Euphoria
Barry
His Dark Materials
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
Queer Eye
Stranger Things (duh)
The Act
Schitt's Creek

23. Do you hate someone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Ooooooof sometimes men as a whole make me real mad. I'll just leave that there.

24. What was the best book you read?

I'm forgetting which books I read this year and which I read last year so I'm hoping these are accurate? I think it was a pretty good year for reading :)

Beautiful Broken Things
My Heart and Other Black Holes
Zac & Mia
Reincarnation Blues
Prince Charming
The Sun is Also A Star
Milk & Honey
Rainbow in the Cloud
Gmorning Gnight
Real Women Have Curves
Make Your Home Among Strangers
The Farming of Bones
Where the Crawdads Sing
The Sun & Her Flowers

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Ben Platt's Sing Me To Sleep
KATRANADA's BUBBA
Harry Styles's Fine Line
Ariana Grande's thank u, next
BROCKHAMPTON's GINGER
Fun Home Soundtrack
Hadestown Soundtrack
Vanara the Musical Soundtrack

26. What did you want and get?

A speck of stability which I didn't ever think I'd get in the next few years.

27. What did you want and not get?

Inner family peace but we're working on it.

28. What was your favorite film of the year?

As always, there is never one single answer:

Avengers: Endgame
Joker
The Lighthouse
Spiderman: Far From Home
Captain Marvel
The Lion King
Little
Always Be My Maybe
Downton Abbey
After (lmaoooooo)
Let It Snow
Klaus <3

I have yet to see:

Hustlers
Rocketman
Aladdin
Judy
The Two Popes
Good Boys
Honeyland
Peanut Butter Falcon
booksmart
Toy Story 4
Missing Link

29. What is one thing that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Quality time with my dad, my brothers, Natasha, the kitties... And getting beyond lucky when it came to my sweet hallmates and roommate :)

30. How would you describe your fashion concept in 2019?

Comfy girl-next-door

31. What kept you sane?

ASMR. Kiddos. My best friends.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Wow um cool if Hunter Shafer wants to accept my hand in marriage, I would be over the moon <3 Then again, I've got my usual suspects: Zendaya, Tom Holland, Ana de Armas, Lana Condor, Noah Centineo, Joey King, Cole Sprouse, Billie Eilish, Reeve Carney, Eva Noblezada, Ben Platt, Harry Styles, and of course, Lizzo.

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

Sigh. 2019 was not unique in its growing cases of hate and violence. Between the mass shootings, the numerous cases of transphobia, islamophobia, and anti-semitism, the blatant acts of terrorism, raging fires, families being separated and children being put in cages... I just have no words. It is each and every one of our responsibility to be better. This world cannot improve on its own—it is imperative that we step in and make every little tiny difference we can.

34. Who do you miss?

My mom. Suki. My grandparents. My brothers. Phoenix and Scout. Evan & Linnea.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019.

You have courage made of steel, babe. You are made of bravery and determination and perseverance. You are made of stars and exploding galaxies and the Sun and the Moon. There is absolutely nothing you can't do if you put your mind to it. I have every faith that you will succeed. I love you I love you I love you.

36. Quote a song lyrics that sums up your year:

"Woo girl, need to kick off your shoes
Got to take a deep breath, time to focus on you
All the big fights, long nights that you been through
I got a bottle of Tequila I been saving for you
Boss up and change your life
You can have it all, no sacrifice
I know he did you wrong, we can make it right
So go and let it all hang out tonight"

"Good as Hell" by Lizzo

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: Happy Birthday a billion days late Maeve, my dear <3

Turkey Day List #1

Hello, my dudes. I hope you all had a fabulous Thanksgiving (if you celebrate that type of thing) and I hope you can forgive me for not posting this three days ago—I was busy making some DELICIOUS banana bread muffins for my fam. Also, I was wine drunk so you can imagine...

Anyhow, here goes the age-old list you've all been waiting for:

Technology: You allow me to connect with those I'd otherwise have no means of reaching. Thank you.

Banana Bread Muffins: When the rest of the world was sour, you were sweet.

Wimpfheimer: You reignited my love for working with children and I am so lucky to work at such a beautiful place.

Saoirse the Succulent: My beautiful, darling girl. I'm sorry the windowsill gets so cold at night. I wish I could warm you up and keep you happy all the time.

Poe the Printer: The goodest boi there ever was. Our little hardworking man. Jessica and I are so proud of you, buddy.

Everest, Hobbes, Charlotte, Muffins, and Nox: Welcome to the club.

Jessica's supercool Fancy Lamp: I would have been knocked dead in the dark of night if it weren't for you. Plus, you're just kinda all around rad. Couldn't have asked for a better room lamp.

Raymond House: All Hail the Rat King.

Hallway 3 Cen: Thanks for putting up with drunken laughter and a cappella sing-ins and Halloween eggings. You're the real MVPs.

Beats Suite: My home away from 317. I am so glad I became an official suitemate. As stated on the wall of rules. It's a thing now.

Disney+: Where have you been my whole entire life? Every single episode of Suite Life? Yes, please.

The Deece's Late Night Corndogs: Truly, I am convinced you're injected with hallucinogens or some other weird shit. Why else would Jessica and I lose our fucking minds so frequently?

The Library's 24 hour Section: Bro, you've seen some shit. Let's keep that between ourselves, shall we?

Baldwin: Horrific as you are at times, you've helped me through days I didn't think I could step out of bed, so thank you. Really.

Express: For feeding me speedily when I would otherwise have skipped a meal.

Drama 102: Odd and strange and wack and awkward and uncomfortable and wild as this class gets, I'm really thankful for the journey and the creative mind it has made out of me.

Dynamic Women: All the snaps. Too many snaps. This class slaps.

Conditioning Class: Tough as this semester has been, it always felt great to sweat and melt the stress away.

Pell Grants: Thanks for helping ya girl out.

Zoloft: Ditto.

Laser pointers: For providing endless entertainment to my two little monsters. You are a blessing.

All 10 Seasons of Friends: My god, the headaches I endured for you... Were you worth it? Probably not, but you made me pretty damn content most of the time and for that, I can appreciate you.

Potterless Podcast: My one daily indulgence that never fails to make me laugh. If y'all enjoy dumb HP trivia and puns as much as I do, go check it out.

His Dark Materials: I have a new addiction?

Euphoria: Zendaya and Hunter—you have my whole entire heart.

Pinterest: For housing all future hopes and dreams.

Lin's Gmorning, Gnight: You pulled me out of the scariest 24 hours of my life (with the help of my precious Linnea) and brought comfort when I didn't think there was any left in the world. Thank you.

Midnight walks through the Fog: You know why.

I know holidays can be tough but hey! You made it past this one alive! I'm so proud of you!

Stay oh-so-super-warm and accept my love in the chilly days to come.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Come See How The World Could Be Pt. 1

Hello, my dears. I began writing this the night of April 24th, but as you know, life gets the better of me sometimes. Anyhow, here's a post I've been meaning to share for quite some time now. Enjoy <3

*contains Hadestown spoilers*

*for real, if you haven't seen it yet do not read this*

*seriously, turn the fuck around and read something else*

*kay, whatever dude, you've been warned*

April 24, 2019. 7:30pm. Walter Kerr Theatre.

My dad and I knew what the story was about. I mean, we'd listened to the entire soundtrack on Spotify already and both knew how it ended. At least I did, anyway—my dad doesn't always connect the dots.

When he first asked me which show we should watch as our joint birthday present, Hadestown was honestly a plan B. I'd never seen Wicked before (I know, I'm a musical theatre abomination) so naturally, I pushed for that one first. Of course, as many things turn out to be, it was too expensive. I had to come up with a new plan. I knew my friend Claire had raved about Hadestown (thank you Claire) and even though I had had the soundtrack on loop for six months, it didn't occur to me I could actually go see it. The Broadway debut wasn't even scheduled until late April. But the universe was aligned and tickets were reasonable and so we decided to go.

The usual crowd of theatre-goers was there: elderly retired couples who need a way to spend their time; crazed NYU musical theatre majors who obnoxiously know every single detail about every single cast member's life, not to mention are singing the songs at the top of their lungs before the show has even started; elites looking to be noticed at a new and trendy social gathering; mothers with daughters and husbands with wives; and then people like us, who seldom get the privilege to watch a masterpiece unfold.

We piled into the theatre like a swarm of bees. My dad and I made our way up the steps to the mezzanine but the second my eyes landed on the stage, I couldn't move. Dramatic, I know, but true. A vastly bare stage save for a couple of barstools, tables, and upturned chairs. There was no sign of a pit, so I assumed the orchestra would be onstage. A jukebox in the corner. A spiral staircase. Exits. The whole space had a presence about it. Like we were about to watch something important. Like we were gonna watch something that mattered.

Everything the eye could see was earth-toned. Browns, tans, greens, blacks, reds. By the time we took our seats, it felt like a lifetime had passed. And it would take a whole other lifetime for the show to begin. Patience is not a virtue I always possess.

Finally, people started spilling onto the stage. One by one, they greeted the audience with a smile and a wave before setting up their first position. Naturally, the audience began to clap and cheer, eager for the performance to begin. As I had predicted, the orchestra sat on the far sides of the stage, acting almost as pub-goers and setting a more natural, intimate tone. Our beloved narrator, old man André De Shields playing Hermes, stalked across the stage, meeting each cast member with a meaningful gaze or a firm handshake—almost as if he were welcoming them into battle. It was a somber sort of thing.

Dressed in all sparkling silver, he addresses his crew "'Aight?" They respond, "'Aight."

Cue the blaring trumpet, tooting the first few notes of "Road to Hell." Instantly we are captured by the cast's innate ability to be connected to one another and the audience. We take Hermes's word as given—no one questions him or his glorious sass in storytelling. He introduces us to our players: the Fates, Hermes (God of Travelers), Persephone (Our Lady of the Underground), Hades (God of the Underworld), the Greek Chorus, the Orchestra, and finally our young lovers, poor boy Orpheus and hungry Eurydice.

And then Eva Noblezada (Eurydice) opens her mouth to sing, and the rest of the world is lost to me. "Any Way the Wind Blows" began and my whole body covered itself in goosebumps. Hearing the sinister plucking of violin strings, watching as the Fates took on the form of the Winds, watching Eurydice pack her few things hurriedly, it was like I was in it with them. Call me crazy, but I could feel the winds changing as it happened.

And then she meets Orpheus.

"Come Home with Me?" he asks.

He tells her of the song he's working on, how when it's finished, spring will come again. And then he'll make her his wife. He kneels and presents her with a red flower. Reeve Carney (Orpheus) does this with such a delicateness and vulnerability, you can't help but root for him. From the very beginning.

Eurydice agrees but won't give in without a fight. "Wedding Song" is charged with playfulness and sexual tension and I swear to the gods, the bisexual in me would KILL to marry both Orpheus and Eurydice every time I hear it. They tease each other, they circle each other, they giggle with an innocence only found in first loves.

And so Orpheus sings "Epic I", where he explains the ancient love story of Hades and Persephone. When he sings, it's as if time stands still. Like you're stuck in the most delicious jar of honey and can't get out (not that you'd want to).

But as soon as it happens, the moment is gone, and we're on to the next song.

Bam! Spotlight on a drunken Persephone (played by the brilliant Amber Grey) as she struts down the spiral staircase into Summer. In "Livin' it Up on Top" everyone and everything comes back to life. Everyone onstage springs into dance and laughter, which is such a contrast to the way things felt before. To my absolute delight, there's a Latin-feel dance break where they jam like there's no tomorrow and let me tell you—when a theatre vibrates with Latin jams, you'd have to be crazy not to enjoy it.

When it's time for Orpheus to give his toast, he says: "To the world we dream about. And, the one we live in now." Granted, I know this line is coming. I always know it is. How could I not? I've listened to the soundtrack for months, and yet it gets me every time. May we always seek a better tomorrow, but let us not forget the wondrous present and the miracles that can be achieved in it.

And then we get to remember how earth-shattering it is to fall in love. Orpheus and Eurydice fall into it right before our eyes. In "All I've Ever Known" Eurydice struggles against love, against falling, because she's only ever known struggle and hurt and heartache. The fear of falling in love is brought to life in a very real, tangible way. The two lovers end up promising the world to one another, unaware of the storms yet to come.

"Way Down Hadestown" finally introduces us to the king of the underworld, Hades (played by a domineering Patrick Page), who's come to pick up his wife Persephone. He's early, once again, but who could blame him? He missed her. With the collection of Persephone comes the changing of the seasons, and no one is ready for that. It's too early. It isn't time. But Hades waits for no one, so off they go.

Orpheus leaves to finish writing his song, the song that will bring back the spring, but he leaves Eurydice all alone to fend for herself in the wind. "A Gathering Storm" comes to twist a knife in their wounds, leaving Eurydice desperate and lost. Meanwhile, Orpheus attempts to write.

"Epic II"

The grounds open up and we descend into the burning depths of hell. Suddenly, we see coal miners drenched in sweat, muscles twisting tautly under their skin, dirt smeared across their faces, a dead look in their eyes—all indicators we've arrived in Hadestown. Just to further the doom and gloom, the Greek Chorus engage in a "Chant", and Persephone isn't all too pleased with her husband's new shiny kingdom. They circle one another like birds of prey, eager to feast on the other and tear them apart. All this time, Eurydice finds herself losing her battle against the cold, against the wind. She calls for Orpheus but Orpheus doesn't come. He's got to finish the song. A steady feeling of urgency weighs in on the audience. We know something's about to happen—and not something good.

Of course, Hades swoops in to lure Eurydice to Hadestown, offering her a deal she could never turn down. "Hey, Little Songbird" is a delicate dance wherein Hades acts as the serpent tempting Eve, in this case, Eurydice. He offers her food and shelter and a "soft place to land". The hungry young girl, desperate as she was, couldn't refuse.

After accepting her ticket to the Underworld, the Fates slink in like slippery black cats come to watch a show. Each moves just as gracefully, just as elegantly as the next, each voice just as velvety thick as the last. "When the Chips are Down" serves as a narrative of what happens to people when times get tough—what do you become when you've lost everything you have? What do you become when you've got nothing else to lose? What do you become when there's nothing left?

Resigning herself to fate, Eurydice sings "Gone, I'm Gone" as a final goodbye to Orpheus, who has yet to know what will become of her. Completely oblivious to what's just happened, Orpheus goes looking for her, only to find out she's gone.

Thus begins the song that from the moment I first heard it, moved my whole body to gutwrenching tears: "Wait For Me."

Hermes reveals that there's another way to get to Hadestown, a way that doesn't require a train ticket. Orpheus, desperate to see his love agrees to do whatever it takes. Turns out whatever it takes leads to quite a dangerous road. And this is why theatre became my very first love: the complete magic one can create just by adjusting a few lights, the journey you can take someone on with a simple melody, the transformation that occurs when you find yourself in a character's shoes, the amount of empathy you can have for someone who isn't even real... It's wild to me. It's magical. It's the best thing to ever exist. And every single one of those things is captured in Wait For Me.

I knew this song was coming up. Papi knew it too. And yet I still found myself utterly unprepared. Nothing can prepare you for the first time Orpheus utters those words with complete anguish and desperation. Nothing can prepare you for the feelings of loss and loneliness and despair and hurt and anger and hopelessness and fear that come attached to this song. Maybe it's 'cuz I'm an empath, maybe it's 'cuz I feel things far too deeply, but Wait For Me strangles my heart every single time.

I remember that was the first full pause the director decided to make. The end of Wait For Me had everyone in the audience gripping the edges of their seats. Me, on the other hand, it had me choking back strangled sobs and shaking as I clung desperately to my dad's coat, letting the tears run freely down my cheeks, down my chin, staining my shirt as they fell. I didn't care. I had never felt a work of art so deeply before. I didn't know what to do with myself. Truly. It took well into the next song for me to stop hiccuping and sniffling. Just... there are no words. Nothing I say could ever do that moment justice. It was the most magical moment I've felt in theatre in my life, and that is saying something.

Then came a song that hit just as hard but in a completely different way: "Why We Build the Wall."

Literally nothing could be more relevant in the USA than that right now. It sheds light on the twisted power dynamic between Hades and his workers, it shows him as a benevolent father figure just looking out for his children when in reality he is manipulating their thoughts and creating fears and threats that aren't there. Pointing to an enemy that isn't there. At this point, Persephone dresses in all black, no longer the fun-loving goddess she was before. She knows what Hades is doing is wrong, but she's too far drowned in alcohol and sadness to do anything about it.

Eurydice is last seen following Hades up the steps to his office, ready to sign her life away to a life of constant toil in exchange for basic human needs. Persephone copes the only way she knows how: "Anybody want a drink?"

Blackout.

Act I really left us with nowhere to hide. It asks that we come with our hearts on our sleeve, open hearts, open minds. It served theme after relevant theme—the notion that poverty can drive people to do things they never would've imagined, the idea that poverty and the poor are the enemy and we are to keep ourselves as far away from that as possible even if it means building a wall, what happens to us when we're so blinded by love that we forget to do the things necessary to keep us alive, the distances true love will take us when we work hard enough. I sincerely cannot explain how much this musical has affected my life, and this is only a recap of Act I! We haven't even gotten to Act II yet.

If you've made it this far and you still haven't seen it live, I strongly encourage you to as long as you come emotionally prepared to suffer quite a bit. Like I said, never have I ever been so moved by a work of art so strongly as this before. I mean it I mean it I mean it.

I'm sorry this has already gotten obnoxiously long, I just tend to stretch things out when I care about them. In this case, I care a lot lot lot. And you should too. Los quiero!

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

I Am From

Hello hi there my loves!

It's been quite a while, I'm super sorry. This isn't quite an update per se, but it's something to tide us over while I try to come up with a general update.

I wrote this for my Freshman Writing Seminar class––we were given a template based on George Ella Lyon's poem "Where I'm From" and were told to fill in the blanks. Figured I'd share :)

..........

I Am From

by Maya I. Wilson Estrella

I am from weathered chancletas,

from Dawn soap and tupperware,

I am from the concrete jungle,

the scent of fried salami.

I am from the blooming orquidias,

the caoba tree whose long limbs

I remember as if they were my own.

I'm from Eleven MnMs and crinkled noses,

from Abuelo and Abuela,

I'm from cackling laughter and petty grudges

and from picking our fingernails raw.

I'm from always be early and never be late,

and two wrongs do not make a right,

I'm from oraciones before bed.

I'm from Queens, New York and the

distant valleys of Ocoa.

Abuelo's dulce de coco and Grandma's tuna melts,

from Grandpa's unjust unemployment and

the politics he fought against.

Yellowed letters written in desperation,

carefully tucked in a forgotten box.

Memories of entire lifetimes scattered among

the new.

..........

Ta daaaaaa there you have it. I remember Yan Diego having to do this in like 6th grade and I thought it was the coolest thing ever :) I hope you enjoyed! Might be posting some other little things I've written recently at some point soon.

I love you all!

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

College Take 2

Hi you beautiful people <3

For those of you who don't know, yesterday I moved into Vassar for the second (first) time. By that, I mean that it was the beginning of my second attempt at freshman orientation. After two whole years of struggle and therapy and waiting, I FINALLY got to rejoin the land of college education.

I was beyond terrified, to say the least.

Though it was my second time around and packing and moving in was all second nature, the anxiety was still very much there. I'd be starting college after taking two years off of school. What if I forgot how to introduce myself? What if I forgot how to make friends? What if my old friends didn't remember me? What if I forget how to write a paper? What if I forget how to take notes? Do research? Participate in class? All these thoughts were swarming through my head as I unpacked my dad's CRV.

The campus brought back so many memories of my first time around. The late-night walks I took with Evan, the dorm I lived in with Linnea, the classrooms I rehearsed in with the Owls... Then there were the not-so-good parts: the basement I had almost every single panic attack in, the office I spent most of my time crying in, the dorm I was assaulted at... Those memories weren't exactly happy ones. Nonetheless, it was exciting to see some familiar faces and make friendly conversation with new ones.

Since my actual dorm got a long-awaited makeover but isn't totally finished yet, I've been placed in a temporary rooming situation until tomorrow (hopefully then I can move into my real dorm room.) I've only unpacked my sleeping bag thus far cuz it's not worth it to unpack just to have to repack and then unpack yet again. Blegh. College is frustrating. But anyhow.

Regular orientation starts on Monday I believe. It's always weird when the domestic students come to campus because I feel like the vibe completely changes. Not necessarily in a bad way. It's just different.

I miss my Owls. I can't wait to see them and hoot with them again.

I need to update my resume so I can start applying to jobs ASAP. I need to make that cash money.

I need to get in the habit of writing more often cuz every time I take a significant break and then come back to it, I always end up hating how it sounds and getting too perfectionist-y about it. Ugh. It's okay, it'll come back to me eventually.

I'm absolutely ecstatic to be a part of a community again. I've missed that. I miss feeling like an intellectual scholar who actually knows some shit. I dunno. It's nice to have conversations with people of all varying expertise.

This semester I really wanna focus on myself. Eating, sleeping, studying. Not get involved in other people's drama. I can't afford to do that this time. At least not this semester. This time around, I'm allowing myself to be selfish. This time is for me to better myself, to establish healthy routines, healthy relationships. I wanna prioritize self-care and school and the Owls and that's it. Next semester I can think about joining other clubs like Burlesque or Archery or Latinx Alliance or The Miscellany News or Student Theatre.

For now, I just want to keep myself as focused as possible on very few commitments. At least that is the hope. We'll see.

I'm excited to spend time with the love of my life, Linnea, and harass the shit out of Evan :) It'll be wonderful.

All in all, though I am quite nervous about some aspects of college life, I am also incredibly excited and thrilled to finally be able to go back to it and enjoy it for what it is. I am older now. I know things now. I have control now. I have more experience and more agency. I have the power to control how I want things to go for me. I am going to be okay. I am going to be all right. I am going to make it through.

In other news, I think my mom is visiting to give some lecture in two weeks so that'll be interesting.

Please stay hydrated while the world is on fire, thanks.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

For Lack of a Better Post

I really need to stop taking such enormous hiatuses.

Here are some fun and exciting things that have happened in the life of Maya since we last spoke:

1) Papi and I saw Avengers: Endgame and if you haven't seen it by now, shame on you. It's a cultural necessity.

2) I read a beautiful and tragic book by the name of Zac+Mia. Highly recommend.

3) I skimmed through some cool babysitting jobs and managed to become part of the top 1% of babysitters in my area apparently???

4) I finally managed to start going to therapy again after freaking months. Insurance is truly a bitch.

5) I became fast friends with one of Lauryn's college buds, Luke :)

6) We had our Newsies cast party and I had the best time!!! My babies CJ and Nat were adorable as ever and we even got to play Unstable Unicorns with my other baby Danny <3 I got a wee bit drunk and so did everyone else and it was glorious.

7) I introduced Papi to Queer Eye and I'm pretty sure we've watched every single episode at this point. There's not a single one he didn't cry at.

8) Papi and I watched one of the most horrific renditions of Les Mis this world has ever seen and did not regret a single second of it. We were thoroughly entertained. Who knew Les Mis was a comedy?

9) I filmed a mini Mother's Day video (props to my cousin Brenda for putting it together) for my beautiful Tia Nelly and was rewarded with many tears and words of appreciation.

10) My cousin Natasha came to stay! We got to catch up on our wild lives and the many petty things that happen to us on a regular basis :)

11) I continued to walk the precious puggle, Chloe, although she's been having trouble walking lately and it makes me v sad.

12) I got asked to dogsit for Shea again!!! For five days!!! I'm so excited!!!

13) I started reading Reincarnation Blues at Luke's urging and so far I'm completely loving it.

14) I booked my train tickets for RI. Gotta go see my Abbey babies graduate next week!

15) I finally got around to watching The Imitation Game and was a thousand percent blown away. The cast was impeccable and their portrayals of these real people were astounding. I could watch it again and again and again.

16) My mom turned a whole fifty years old! Which is crazy to me because I honestly have frozen her in time at age 36. Or 37. Hard to believe she's even a day older than that, honestly.

17) In searching for pictures to post on my mom's birthday, I discovered an obscenely large amount of meme-worthy pictures featuring me and my entire family. That's what happens when your mom decides to post every single fucking picture that exists of you on Facebook. What a time to be alive.

18) Since Vassar's administration decided I was a ghost in their system (long story) and didn't make any moves to fix it, my parents took to writing many strongly worded emails and I just gotta say I never feel luckier than when my parents defend my honor/existence. It's truly a blessing.

19) These abortion bans have got me all kinds of fucked up. Livid. Scared. Outraged. Distraught. I can't even begin to explain how terrifying it is to be in possession of a uterus these days. That goes for trans men, gender non-conforming, agender, and non-binary people too. It's really fucking scary to know that a bunch on non-uterus-possessing individuals can just snap their fingers and take away our bodily autonomy. For fuck's sake, dead corpses have more bodily autonomy than we do. It's not about the children. It's never been about them. It's about control and nothing more.

20) I'm going to see Nat's dance recital this weekend and I'm so freaking hyped!!! That girl's got wicked talent.

And thus concludes my mini update. I swear I have better post ideas, it's just a matter of actually sitting down and creating them. In the meantime, you get to enjoy my day to day life. Riveting, I know.

Honestly why do these always occur at the crack of dawn?

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

My Extremely Riveting Life

Hi hi hi

So it's been a hot second since I last posted (was somewhat in a post-show depressive funk, as one does) but I just thought I'd ease your wild concerns and let you know that I've actually had some pretty cool things happen since the show ended.

I mean, their happening didn't really have anything to do with the show ending it just sorta coincided that way and just... Anyway.

I managed to read two entire horrifically depressing yet mildly uplifting books: My Heart & Other Black Holes as well as Beautiful Broken Things. In all honesty I preferred the latter. Felt a bit more realistic and was more about the complexities of teenaged friendship I guess? Good stuff.

I got to meet my uncle Joel's dogs and bring them to the dog park!!!

Also also also I managed to develop an extremely huge crush and have it squashed in three seconds flat so like that was super fun. It's okay though. I mean, I think it will be. I hope it will be. I still want us to be friends.

I got to spend time with my Newsies #yamily at a super yummy food place called Novelty Eats in the Bronx and also at our dear Matt's script reading for his new play. It was shockingly beautiful and truly something else.

Oh also I got to see Hadestown on Broadway with my dad as a joint birthday present for the two of us but that's something that I might need to reserve for a whole other post...

I finally got around to watching Christopher Robin because it happened to be on Netflix and I was not at all disappointed.

Got my first sunburn of the year over something really stupid.

Buying tickets for Avengers: Endgame was essential. We're watching it on Monday. Until then, zero spoilers or I will murder you.

I got to dogsit overnight at someone's apartment and it was such a cool experience. Shea the dog is such a fuckin cutie. I also get to dogwalk for this oldie Puggle named Chloe. Three times a week. It's a dream.

Other than that, I've really just been going to babysitting interviews (some involving some deeply overprotective and micromanaging parents...) and catching up on some annoying college financial aid stuff. The usual.

I think next week, me and my dad may attempt to go see my friend Ottavio's Seussical at his high school. He claims it's gonna be a disaster and a half, I think it's gonna be entertaining as hell. What can ya do.

OH! I ALMOST FORGOT!

I CHANGED MY FIRST EVER TIRE! AND DIAPER! BUT THE TIRE PART IS MORE IMPORTANT!

Lmao I mean I didn't really change the tire, my dad did, but I think it still counts. I helped elevate the car with the weird lever thingy and loosened the bolt things and held the new tire in place and tightened the other bolts and lowered the car again, etc. No big deal :)

Cool cool cool so that's been my update of the day.

Jesus, it's almost 2am. I seriously do not know how I keep doing this.

Anyhow, I love you all to pieces and I hope you get a daily dose of sunshine, metaphorical or not ;)

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Pseudo Hangovers

Hey folks.

Kind of a lot has happened in the past few days. Among them, I got fired from my first ever job, performed one of the greatest shows of all time with my fellow Newsies cast, booked at least four potential babysitting gigs, and experienced one of my worst bouts of post-show depression to date.

So yeah. A lot. I was asleep practically all day yesterday and didn't wake up til about 10:30pm so I have yet to fall asleep again. Which is bad, I know. My internal clock is all messed up.

Anyway, I'm pretty delirious as I'm writing this. I just kinda felt like I needed to write something. I dunno. I'm tired as fuck and kinda hungry and I have an interview at 3pm today but I couldn't fall asleep without writing something and throwing it out into the universe. Hence, this blogpost.

Gah, I miss my newsies peeps. Like lots.

By the way, post-show depression is kind of a lot like being really badly hungover plus severely mentally ill. In case you were wondering, it super sucks.

There was no real point to this post, so feel free to ignore it.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Year 18, Still Breathin'

Wow okay so 2k18 wasn't at all what it was cracked up to be but hey! There's always next year.

1. What did you do in 2018 that you'd never done before?

Oh goodness, let's see... Well, I voted for the first time so that was pretty sweet! I also may have made some poor life choices and got high with the big bro and dissociated for the first time and had my first real paying job and got my first ever state ID and lost my virginity and got hospitalized and bought my first toy (lol) and paid my own bills and scheduled my own doctor's appointments so like adulting yay that's cool.

2. Did you keep your New Years Resolutions and will you make more for next year?

I didn't make any resolutions that I can recall. I do remember saying I hoped 2018 was my year and even though on the surface it may very well have been an absolute disaster, it has taught me more lessons than I can possibly count. For 2019, I'm just striving for absolute self compassion, no questions asked.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Hmmm... no, BUT Yan Diego officially became the godfather of this teeny tiny black cat, Luna, and she is such a demonic treasure :)

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My one and only beautiful Titi Dorianny who lives in our hearts and in our smiles forever.

5. What countries did you visit?

The usual: DR & US. I'm not exciting.

6. What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018?

Oh gosh, stability for once in my life. Emotional, financial, physical, all of it. Or even just one of the three. I want something to go right for me in 2019. I've waited long enough and I sure as heck deserve it.

7. What dates from 2018 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

January 1st. First time.
January 22nd. Move to RI.
February 16th. The Little Mermaid.
March 6th. Finally legal.
March 11th. Winter photoshoot.
March 20th. Mami's book launch, DR.
April 21st. Hospitalization.
May 27th. Babies' graduation!
May 28th. First day of work.
August 2nd. Mami's book launch, NY.
August 3rd. Waitress.
August 4th. Anastasia.
August 16th. Second heartbreak.
August 23rd. Book of Mormon.
August 30th. Te quiero, Titi <3
September 10th. Officially settled in NY.
October 17th. Aidan <3
October 19th. A Star is Born.
October 31st. Halloween in VT.
November 6th. First vote!!!
November 11th. Fall photoshoot.
November 15th. SNOW.
November 19th. MacBook Pro.
November 24th. Bohemian Rhapsody.
December 11th. Officially together!
December 13th. First "I love you"

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Learning to love myself and to let go. Still a work in progress.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Failure is a strong word. It would be a little harsh to peg the word failure on someone when we're all just trying our best, but I guess I let myself sink all the way down this year. Farther into the void than I've ever gone before and it was scary as heck, let me tell you.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yes. I was briefly hospitalized in April for extreme panic disorder and suicidal thoughts. I also had a short but torturous bout of vertigo around midsummer. 10/10 would not recommend.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Hmmm... well back when I was making mula, I'd splurge on myself every now and again which was pretty heckin' fun and most of it consisted of unnecessary thrift store items or random beauty products. However, I was the most excited when I bought my first denim jacket. What can I say? I have my priorities.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

It may come as no surprise to you but my loves Linnea, Lauryn, Kelila, and Evan seriously pulled through. I mean those four got me through some of the toughest most excruciating times of my life, I owe them just about everything. Another pleasant surprise was seeing Tia Susan and Ali team up to be my personal champions and I just love them both beyond words.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?

I have a select few I could mention but the world never got any better by spreading hate.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Oh jesus, most of you won't want to know this but it's freaking true so I might as well say it: Calvin Klein underwear. Like stashes and stashes of them. It's teetering on obsessive, honestly.

15. What did you get really, really excited about?

Seeing a Broadway show for the first time in years. Any time I got to spend with my friends. Every trip to the Martins' home. Burritos. Cats. Movies.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2018?

God is a Woman by Ariana Grande
IDGAF by Dua Lipa
I Like It by Cardi B
breathin' by Ariana Grande
Radio Ga Ga by Queen
Just a Stranger by Kali Uchis ft. Steve Lacy
Bad Liar by Selena Gomez
Spice Girl by Aminé
No Tears Left to Cry by Ariana Grande
bellyache by Billie Eilish
Joanne by Lady Gaga
Mo Bamba by Sheck Wes
Feel It Still by Portugal the Man
Bodak Yellow by Cardi B
Shallow by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper
Moonlight by XXXTENTACION
La Cintura by Alvaro Soler
Rewrite the Stars by Zac Efron and Zendaya
lovely by Billie Eilish ft. Khalid
Sober by Demi Lovato
BLACKJACK by Aminé
Don't Stop Me Now by Queen
In my Feelings by Drake
Sweet Creature by Harry Styles
King Kunta by Kendrick Lamar
REEL IT IN by Aminé
idontwannabeyouanymore by Billie Eilish
In My Blood by Shawn Mendes
I Love It by Kanye West ft. Lil Pump
Sorry not Sorry by Demi Lovato
1998 TRUMAN by BROCKHAMPTON
All the Stars by Kendrick Lamar ft. SZA
you should see me in a crown by Billie Eilish
Havana by Camila Cabello
Yikes by Kanye West
Uproar by Lil Wayne ft. Swizz Beatz
ICY GRL by Saweetie
Nice for What by Drake
Movement by Hozier
Lost In Japan by Shawn Mendes
Look At Me! by XXXTENTACION
Girls Like You by Maroon 5 ft. Cardi B
Youngblood by 5 Seconds of Summer
Sweet but Psycho by Ava Max
REDMERCEDES by Aminé
Caroline by Aminé
Taki Taki by DJ Snake, Selena Gomez, Ozuna & Cardi B
thank u, next by Ariana Grande
JELLO by BROCKHAMPTON
I Ain't Got Time! by Tyler, The Creator
Greedy by Ariana Grande
Hair Too Long by The Vamps
Icon by Jaden Smith
NO EXCUSES by Meghan Trainor
Money by Cardi B
Who Dat Boy by Tyler, The Creator & A$AP Rocky

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

(a) I can't believe I'm even saying this but happier. So much happier.
(b) I can't believe this either but thinner... I lost ten pounds XD
(c) Wowowow I have never been more penniless in my life and yet I'm makin' it work somehow.

18. What do you wish you had done more of?

Art. Part of me feels like I wasted a whole good nine months but then again, I had lots of healing to do and the healing isn't over yet. I'm doing the best that I can.

19. What do you wish you had done less of?

Ew crying. Ohmygod, if I had a dollar for every second I spent crying this year, I'd be a fucking trillionaire. Not that crying isn't good for you or a healthy coping mechanism but when you've got anything in excess, it's not so bueno.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Quietly in NY with my dad and the bros.

21. Did you fall in love in 2018?

Oh yes, absolutely.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Bisshhhhhhh I thought you'd never ask :)

Say Yes to the Dress
Grace & Frankie
Downton Abbey
King of the Hill
This is Us
Community
The Good Place
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
The Great British Baking Show
The Fosters (it finally ended and I think I might die)

23. Do you hate someone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Hate is a very strong word. Again, a select few come to mind but spreading hate is bad karma so...

24. What was the best book you read?

Heck dudes, I'm bummed I didn't read as much as last year but I still managed to sneak some reading in here and there.

Paperweight by Meg Haston
When in doubt, add butter by Beth Harbison
The Beginning of Everything by Robin Schneider

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Hadestown: The Myth. The Musical. (thank you Claire for blessing my whole life with this)

26. What did you want and get?

Affection. To see my family.

27. What did you want and not get?

Security. Safety. Stability.

28. What was your favorite film of the year?

As always, there is never one single answer:

A Star is Born
Bohemian Rhapsody
Crazy Rich Asians
Black Panther
Dumplin'
To All The Boys I've Loved Before
Set It Up

I've yet to see:

Love, Simon
The Hate U Give
Incredibles II
Christopher Robin
Ocean's 8
Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again
BlacKkKlansman

29. What is one thing that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Music helped me through it all.

30. How would you describe your fashion concept in 2018?

50% barely functioning/systematically depressed human being, 50% casual hipster chic.

31. What kept you sane?

Meditation. Spotify. Sleep.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Not even gonna try to hide my love for Noah Centineo <3 I LOVED HIM SINCE THE FOSTERS YOU POSERS!!!

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

It's sad that there are almost too many to count with each coming year but for reasons that hit far too close to home, the Kavanaugh trial. I don't think I'd been triggered that badly in a while.

34. Who do you miss?

Titi. Linnea, Evan, the Owls, Suki, Luna, Nutella, Bernie, & Phyllis <3

Notice how half of those are animals.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018.

You are love. You are light. You are loved. You are worthy. You are able. You are enough.

36. Quote a song lyrics that sums up your year:

"I'm off the deep end, watch as I dive in
I'll never meet the ground
Crash through the surface
Where they can't hurt us
We're far from the shallow now"

"Shallow" by Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: Happy Birthday my dearest Maeve <3