Insomnia Never Gets Old

 Been a while since I took to the blog to attempt to hack my insomnia. 

Honestly, it feels like I'm fourteen again, dreading nighttime because even though I may have been a bear in another life, I can't get my stupid human body to cooperate and go the fuck to sleep. I used to take melatonin for it but it always left me feeling groggy in the morning. Then years passed and one psychiatrist or another prescribed Trazodone, which I can only describe as horse tranquilizer. It knocked me out for a full twenty-four hours so I opted not to continue it. Thanks a lot for wasting an entire day of my life -_-

I stayed at my dad's last night 'cuz yesterday was his 57th birthday and Yan Diego and I wanted to celebrate it by going out to dinner, just the three of us. It was really nice. The bro and I split a chicken Milanese salad while my dad ordered a spinach-mushroom type risotto (which I obviously stole some bites of because DUH). After dinner, we all ventured off to buy beer except I forgot about the laws on selling alcohol after 8pm in most places, so a gas station selection would have to do. Papi and YD both chose their faves while I hung back; wasn't much feeling the need for alc. Then the sweetest man running the counter rang us up and handed me two lollipops (presumably because he thought I was underage and was feeling left out by not getting my own drinks). Now, I'm fully twenty-two years old and 10000000% could've legally bought my own if I wanted, but I'll take free lollipops any day.

We ended up taking the long way home (with my idiot brother pausing to pee behind a bush). Once we got back, I greeted Scout and Phoenix with high-pitched affection and sat down so we could begin watching The Batman (Edward Cullen version). The movie was A THOUSAND YEARS LONG but very worth it. Of course, it didn't help that I kept having to pause every thirty minutes so I could recap what was going on... At one point I even got Yan Diego to make me an entire bowl of mac 'n cheese while recapping. Overall, I thought it was genius, brilliantly written, designed, edited, acted, etc. It did give me wicked anxiety though because the villains felt all too realistic and the misogyny some of the characters faced felt a wee bit too relatable eeek

Then Papi went to bed and I spent the next hour forcing Yan Diego to watch trash Riverdale compilations on Youtube. His old ass called it around 3am ('cuz he's a working man and all) and so we went back upstairs to the room we share. He and I haven't shared a room since I was seven and he was ten. Now we're twenty-two and twenty-five, him having taken over my mattress while I'm at college, and me occupying the couch sectional in the corner. And I know it's not like we actually share a room anymore (I'm never usually home), but something about it felt safe and familiar and old. We spent our early childhoods in Queens, NY; what feels like lifetimes later, we're in Po-town, NY. Still sharing a room. It made me long for my childhood like an absolute blubbering sap. Because here I am, twenty-two and a junior in college, feeling as tired and aged as my eighty-somethin'-year-old grandparents. 

I miss writing for fun. To feel things. To make others feel. I miss reading for pleasure. And waking up refreshed without an alarm. I miss spending all day off my phone (because I didn't have one), not a care in the world. I don't want to pay bills. I don't want to file taxes. I don't want to have to remember meetings and rehearsals and appointments. I want to wake up whenever I feel, eat sugary cereal and watch Cyber Chase. Or sit sprawled across the floor with coloring utensils. Or balled up in a hammock reading the very first Harry Potter book. I miss chocolate milk mornings and Beatles for bedtime. I miss giggling in the backseat and having no knowledge of car accidents. I miss easy homework and imagination for days. I miss my little self. I know people are always saying there's no use fixating on the past but I didn't know how quickly mine would be ripped away from me. So I'm allowed to long.

I'd forgotten what writing on here felt like. Like never-ending flutters on a keyboard, letting my thoughts dictate whatever they fancied. I'd forgotten how... freeing? it feels to ramble uninterrupted, uncensored, and with no agenda. I don't even get to do that in therapy!

I'm still feeling nostalgic and I doubt I'll make it to bed at an appropriate time but here's to trying.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Amalgamation

Sup.

I haven't been able to write for months. I mean, I've tried. But I never ended up finishing any of the posts I meant to write and so I've been left with an amalgamation of sorts. I thought I'd share them anyway.

..........

It's been exactly one month since I turned twenty and one month since I last saw all my Vassar friends. It's been a month since I had possessions that existed outside of a carry-on suitcase and a month since things started to go downhill.

It's hard to believe that a month ago, I was still convinced I'd be going back to school in two weeks' time; that I'd spend a week touring Chicago with my a cappella group; that I'd get to go back to my room and spend quality time with Jessica, with Charlotte & Leila; that I'd get to crash Evan's room so we could blow out our very late birthday candles; that I'd finally be able to go on a real date with the guy I was trying not to crush on for months.

..........

Heya.

It's late, I know. 

Bit nauseous, bit of a headache. Can't seem to sleep. Just one of those nights, I suppose. 

I'm in a mood I think. There were excellent parts to this week and parts I wish I could forget. My anxiety's been real bad.

..........

Hi friends <3

I meant to write something in the month of October but it seemed to have escaped me. The days dragged on, each one feeling longer than the last. A blur of nightmares, skipped meals, and incomplete assignments. My friends are gems, though. We're all just trying to make it through. Only three weeks til home.

Rip so I wrote that weeks ago

..........

I dunno what's wrong. I mean I should know what's wrong. I'm pretty sure I know what's wrong. I haven't taken my meds for a week. That would do it. It wasn't exactly on purpose. I dunno. Maybe it was. Maybe I'm self-sabotaging again. Maybe my brain doesn't want me to succeed. 

I'm in the middle of a Dungeons and Dragons game at the moment. Should I be paying attention? Probably. I'm trying to. I want to. I also can't shake the need to violently vomit. Withdrawals, probably. Oh, and the Big Sads. That, too.

Being home is hard. It's a lot. It's knocked me down lower than I thought it would. I can't wait to go back home. Real home. School. Where my friends will be. Where I want to be. 

I want to be okay. I want my brain to stop scrambling. I want to feel okay in my body. I don't want to hate being alive. 

I'm trying my best to feel like an interesting person. Like I can be good at things. Like I might have talents. Like I might not be mediocre. The company I keep is hard to beat. Not that there's anything to beat. I'm proud of them. I appreciate them. I love them for who they are. I'm just not them. Or anywhere near them. I want to like myself. 

I'm so tired all the time. My body hurts all the time. I think it thinks I'm fighting a bear every day. Or getting hit by a bus. Or battling the flu. My bones hurt. My muscles ache. My head throbs. My stomach churns. Why do mental poisons seep so deeply into our bodies?

..........

Hi there darlings.

I know the holiday season can be extremely difficult for some of us. It certainly is for me. Whatever your reason may be, I want to make sure you know you are loved and cherished and cared for, if not by anyone else, then by you. Be your own best supporter this holiday season (it's also a-okay to ask for help when you need it.)

..........

It was so bad. The screaming just never stopped. I just wanted to have a good Christmas. A good anything, really. Family isn't supposed to cause you this much pain. It isn't it isn't it isn't. Only a little more and then I'll be home home again. 

..........

We broke up. It was the right choice.

..........

A civil war? In this economy?

..........

HEY BITCHES!

Things have been kinda... good lately? Food has been more stable and fun (I get to cook a lot of it) and my brothers have been nice to me which is unheard of. My dad's about the same but we've binge-watched a lot of shows with my brothers like His Dark Materials and Peaky Blinders and Ink Master. It's been nice. My cats have each slept in my room more so, yaknow, maybe they love me after all. LINNEA ADOPTED A DOG! AND SHE'S NAMING HIM MONET! LIKE A BALLER! And he's going to be my little nephew I am so excited. I started knitting again (thanks to Jessica crocheting boob triangles) and I started collaging again (thanks to an identity crisis.) Oh also JESSICA FINALLY GOT HER ROOM ASSIGNMENT AND SHE'S JUST DOWN THE HALL FROM ME I AM SO BEYOND EXCITED TO SQUEEZE THAT WOMAN AGAIN! And also we finally watched The Warriors (her and her dad's fave movie to watch together, so I think I'm part of the family now.) I'm hella fucking nervous for school to start again because I still don't have my class schedule ahahaha but hopefully the imposter syndrome stops getting to me and I'll actually feel like I belong at Vassar. Oh, and I've made tiktoks? I dunno, man... I'm a new woman or whatever.

..........

Aaaaaand that concludes all the things I meant to write but never finished (minus the Thanksgiving and New Years' posts, those will have to wait.) I know it's not much but I guess you can at least see the progression of my different mental states or something? Wack. Anyway.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Para Mami

Algo que quice escribir hace mucho. Ya basta de esperar.

..........

Para Mami

by: Maya I. Wilson Estrella

I can’t seem to write about anyone but you.

Wanting you to love me. Wanting you to care.

Wanting you to treasure me and always be there.

I’ve been so far away. I haven’t left you notes. 

If I had, would you even read what I wrote?

Wanting you to be proud. Wanting to be good.

Wanting to be just as loud and also understood.

Hold my hand, please. It’s been so long.

I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t want to be wrong.

Have I been missed? Do you remember my name?

It’s me, Ma. Did you notice the rain?

It’s your eyes, your smile, your nose.

I’ve still got all my fingers and all of my toes.

Wanting you closer. Wanting to forget.

Wishing I’d called. Wishing you’d fret.

There were nice parts sometimes.

Petting my hair back, temple kisses, applause.

The times I was purer and devoid of flaws.

You read to me, danced with me, I sang in the womb.

Why’d I have to go on and grow up so soon?

Mándame besos, bendiciones, tu fuerza, tu paz.

Muéstrame que yo sí soy capaz.

I’ll miss you for always, I’ll love you forever,

Gracias a Dios our relationship is better.

..........

Te quiero, Mami.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Temporary Relief Part 3

And we're back with some more nonsense. Enjoy :)

..........

1. What's the best stress reliever you know?

Being near animals (preferably ones that love you) or listening to Potterless :)

2. What's the happiest song ever written?

Three Little Birds by Bob Marley. It's also the saddest song I know.

3. If you were guaranteed to be 20% happier, could you give up TV forever?

I mean, I haven't watched cable since I was probably around nine years old but if you're referring to all the Netflix and Hulu and Amazon and HBO series that exist in the world, hell no, I would never give those up. Art is my life source. I don't care how much happier I could be without it.

4. Would you rather deal with a problem head-on or avoid it forever?

Uhhhhhh you know me and my conflicts... If I could make them disappear with no real consequences, that'd be pretty neat.

5. Do you spend more time socializing through the computer or in the company of friends?

The thing is I'm blessed enough to have friends all over the world so I may not always be in the same immediate area as them. Whenever I am able to be in their physical company though, of course I would take advantage of that. It would be foolish of me not to.

6. Do you worry more about the little or the big things?

It's the little things that become big things more often than not, no?

7. Is the richest person you know significantly happier than you?

Lmao probably. The things good healthcare can get you, I'm just sayin'...

8. What's the best music to exercise with?

Oooo great question. I tend to pull out my Latin dance remixes, those never fail. But I guess one could never go wrong with a good Dua Lipa or Ariana Grande jam.

9. Are you an open book?

Annoyingly, yes.

10. What were three of your favorite moments today?

Booping Phoenix on the nose, buying Platanitos at TJ Maxx, and watching Schitt's Creek with Natasha.

11. What's a great memory you have of a stranger giving you assistance?

When I was fourteen years old, I was stalked, harassed and verbally assaulted by a grown man while on a flight, and then later through the connecting airport. Since I was an unaccompanied minor, an employee was assigned to watch over me as I made my connecting flight. This beautiful, warm, angel of a Jamaican woman saw to it that the man was taken away by security and proceeded to hug me close to her chest, wiping away my tears as I shook with the fear from it all. Most of the attacks made were about my identity and the lady took my face in both her hands to tell me no one will ever have the right to tell me who I am—only I define that. It has stuck with me ever since.

12. What smell reminds you of childhood?

Nesquick chocolate milk, sizzling garlic and onions, and saltwater air.

13. Are you willing to ask for help when you need it?

I'd like to think I'm better about that now.

14. Where would you volunteer if you had a free day tomorrow?

Ideally, there are so many places I'd love to give a helping hand to. Realistically, my current option would probably be an animal shelter <3

15. What was the most creative time of your life?

Every time I never wanted to see the light of day again.

16. How much energy do you spend seeking appreciation versus giving it?

I'm hoping it's an even split but quite honestly, I love praise whoops ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

17. What's the most persuasive outside influence on your life?

Cooler weather. Seriously.

18. Do you ever feel guilty for being happy?

All the time.

19. What's your favorite daydream?

A happy, healthy, stable life void of excess suffering.

20. What was the best vacation you ever took?

Ireland, babeyyyyy!!!

21. Who's the most optimistic person you know?

My Abuelo. He's seen it all and he still chooses love and life every time.

22. What's the best way you've found to deal with criticism?

Taking a step back to reflect on the source and where it might be coming from.

23. How do you unnecessarily spend money?

On anything that smells good, ever lol

24. What do you know that can be happy in any situation?

Ice cream doesn't fix everything, but it certainly makes things better.

25. Who has the most beautiful smile in the world?

My dad :)

..........

Just a few things to keep the unpleasantries at bay.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Things I Want to Tell My Younger Self

Hey, babe. Sit down, you're gonna wanna hear this:

• Stop picking at your face. I know it's tempting, but don't.

• Bad people don't care about whether or not they're a good person. The fact that you care speaks for itself.

• The voices will go away eventually. They'll be replaced by more loving thoughts like, "It's okay to feel so much. It means you are special."

• I know it's hard to believe, but school is not everything. Life goes on without it and your grades do not equate to your value. You are worth more than your grades.

• Oily skin will keep you looking younger longer ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

• You need to eat, kid. I know sometimes it feels like you don't deserve it or you didn't earn it, but you need it to stay alive. We need you alive.

• You are not too sensitive. You are you, and that is enough.

• You were always radiant, even when you didn't like yourself.

• Helping people is great, but it's not selfish to help yourself first. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

• Not everyone will like you. And that's okay. Don't waste time trying to make them.

• You don't owe anyone anything. Especially not your personhood.

• It was not your fault.

• No one is ever too old for stuffed animals.

• You do not need to put up with people who don't know your worth. Family included.

• Stop biting your cuticles, dummy. That's why they're always bleeding.

• Moisturize!!!

• Wear your goddamn retainers.

• You do not need to be a "lady" to be respected.

• Who gives a fuck if you shave or not? You choose.

• You do not have to fit into a box. Don't be something just because others expect you to be.

• Trust your first instinct. I mean it.

• Your boobs will grow, relax.

• You do not have to be stellar at something to enjoy it.

• Listen to music that makes you happy. Sad music is fine, but not all the time.

• Your body is not as weird as you think it is.

• Do not take opinions from people you wouldn't go to for advice.

• Your parents will let you down. It's okay. The world will go on, and you will learn to take care of yourself.

• Not making your bed isn't that big of a deal.

• Draw stick figures. Who cares.

• You are much stronger than you think.

• Not painting your nails doesn't make you any less girly.

• Being feminine is NOT a weakness.

• You don't always have to smile at people. Especially not when they tell you to.

• Camping is just as bad as you think it is. Don't do it lmao

• Save. Your. Money.

• Even if you're too tired to get out of bed, drink some water. You will have done something productive that day.

• Your laugh is a great one. Don't let it go to waste.

• Stop ignoring your leftovers!!!

• You absolutely CAN rock that haircut.

• Those who love you will not care whom you love.

• Some things just kinda suck. Let them suck and then move on.

• You are allowed to get angry. You have every right to be angry.

• Crying does not make you weak. It doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn't.

• Alcohol is gross. You're not missing out.

• Call him out on his bullshit. It's not okay.

• When all else fails, you've still got the moon and the stars rooting for you. Astrology isn't all made up ;)

Hasta la próxima,

Much love, nena xoxo

Maya <3 

Temporary Relief Part 2

Morning, darlings. I hope you are all staying well and taking care of your wonderful selves. The past week has been... eventful, for lack of a better word. No better time to commence the brain-numbing than through the second section of the conversation card questions.

..........

1. Do you ever eat lunch outside?

I assume this means when I'm at school/work? If the weather allows, for sure, but not when too many bugs are around *yuck*

2. Have you seen your work suffer when you're unhappy?

All. The. Time. Mood swings and performance correlations are no joke.

3. When you think about getting older do you imagine being happy?

I want to. I hope so. Every day I try to work toward creating the life I always wanted and never had. So we'll see.

4. Do you have certain foods that make you happier?

DO I? Strawberries & cream, Capri Suns, pickles, carrots with lime, extra buttery popcorn, anything Entenmman's, refried bean burritos, strawberry banana smoothies, Abuelo's baked ziti, salted mangoes, RICE, tomatoes with lime, tostones, Deece ice cream concoctions, arepitas, kiwis, concón, Quaker Oats dinosaur oatmeal, queso frito, sourdough bread, salted lime, cucumbers with lime, salami, Abuelo's dulce de coco, Abuela's ensalada de repollo, empanadas, banana bread muffins, Papi's pasta bolognese, Mami's fried eggs (jokes cuz that's like the only thing she can cook lol), and a million other things. Moral of the story is I'm kind of super into food :)

5. Where's the most unlikely place you've made a friend?

A bathroom lol

6. What would you love to grow?

Literally? Some freaking basil plants, man. Figuratively, probably patience and the ability to say no.

7. If you could get rid of a daily noise from something what would it be?

Not fully sure what this question is going for but I'm gonna say the stupid "Caw-Caw!!! Caw-Caw!!!"'s from the ravens in our backyard every morning. Like, they start at 6am, dude. The audacity.

8. Whose marriage would you like to emulate?

My late Titi Dorianny and her husband Tio John's, for sure. They were oh so in love and brought out the absolute best in each other. They went on adventures, they had dance parties, they pursued art projects together, they cooked together, they laughed together, they held each other up through everything until the very end. I have never known any other people who loved like that. What they had was for sure a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing.

9. Are you happier when your life has structure or with total freedom?

Sooooooo the thing is I suck at maintaining structure for myself??? Like, I know that I tend to thrive off of routines (when I'm able to stick with them) but on the other hand, I find some of my happiest moments to be the most spontaneous and unscheduled ones.

10. Do you have higher standards for yourself or other people?

5 million percent higher for myself, it's infuriating.

11. How happy are your genes?

Uhhhh is this a question about my DNA? If so, I legitimately couldn't answer your question. I have no idea lmao

12. When do you feel most independent?

When I accomplish adult-y things, like bank errands or grocery shopping or folding laundry or making uncomfy phonecalls with even more adult-y people or cooking for myself and others or deep cleaning an entire room. Just things like that. I don't love doing those things, but when I do get them done I feel like an accomplished human.

13. Would you rather have children that are successful or happy?

I consider happiness to be the greatest success :)

14. Why do so many beautiful people seem so miserable?

Can't relate so I couldn't tell you hahaahahaaaa otherwise idk, society man ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

15. What do you worry about in the middle of the night?

Oh buddy, you don't wanna know... But mostly embarrassing shit I did in the third grade that I will never live down. Rip.

16. Is Disneyland really the happiest place on earth?

Can confirm it's not even in the top twelve happiest places on earth.

17. What are the small daily things that give you pleasure?

The way my cats purr to get out of scoldings because they know they can get away with it; a warm mug of tea held between my hands; the dust particles dancing in rays of sunshine; my cats' little toe beans; showering after feeling gross all day; flinging my bra across the room for fun (hehe); watching my cats nap; sleeping on freshly laundered sheets; texting my very best friends that I love them.

18. What's your favorite dream about your future?

I am alive. I am healthy. I am free of all debts. I'm an accomplished occupational therapist for children. I have a spouse who adores me and kids who are never afraid to ask me things. I live in some quiet, easy suburb, away from city chaos. We have two cats and a dog whom we love very much. My life is no longer a mess. I find joy in being awake. 

19. Have you ever gone on a news fast?

As a Highly Sensitive Person (it's a real thing, look it up lol), I literally cannot handle vast amounts of overwhelming content for prolonged periods of time lest I wanna plummet headfirst into a mental breakdown. So, news fasts are kind of typical for me. I require more charging time than others, so frequent breaks are needed. Tis simply my lot in life ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

20. Why do we spend our time doing things we know won't make us happy?

Free will, bro. Idk.

21. When's the last time you took a big risk?

I think a lot of the risks I end up taking in life are purely coincidental or accidental XD But on a more serious note, I guess when I re-applied to college after two years. There was no guarantee I'd get in, and applying to college once is draining enough, let alone doing it twice. I'm really glad it ended up working out :)

22. What are your greatest pleasures?

Bad romcoms, fuzzy socks, naps in the arms of a love, fried food, car karaoke with the best of friends, spontaneous adventures, long showers, Pinterest boards, having my hair played with, the warmth of a fire when the rest of the world is freezing, praise, the smell of grass in the morning, talking to the moon.

23. If you were going to begin dancing regularly what kind would you do?

100% would love to get back into hip-hop and jazz *heart eyes*

24. When you want to laugh, what or who do you turn to?

Potterless Podcast, old vine compilations, jokes written by kids, and when all else fails, Evan lmao <3

25. Is it harder to forgive yourself or others?

Ehhh I'd say it's a solid 60/40 split, with an edge towards me. Forgiving oneself is not easy work.

..........

And there you have it. Arbitrary answers to questions nobody asked or cared for :) You're welcome.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Temporary Relief Part 1

Hi friends.

I haven't been able to bring myself to write in quite some time. Due to everything going on in the world (and in my own life), it just didn't seem right. For a number of reasons, I've found it quite difficult to do anything for myself, even writing on this blog. The thought of doing anything for myself in light of recent events has only riddled me with guilt because it leaves me feeling empty, like I'm not doing enough, like I'm not contributing enough and I shouldn't spend time on myself when there are more pressing matters at hand. And while part of me still feels that way, I've realized how important it is to take care of myself and to do things for myself even in the midst of all this chaos and tragedy—because if I don't, there will be none of me left to fight. So if that means writing easy, mindless puff pieces in addition to signing petitions and donating where I can and re-educating myself on issues of systemic racism, then so be it (and I encourage you all to do the same! if you are able to attend protests, please do so safely!)

Anyway.

I discovered some "conversation starter cards" in my living room a while ago (courtesy of Natasha lol) and thought I'd give them a go. Since there are quite a few questions, I thought I'd split them into a couple different posts so as not to overwhelm you or myself :)

1. Would you choose to be 20% better-looking if it made you 20% less happy?

Probably not. I already have low-enough days... I don't need them to be any lower lol

2. Do your morals ever get in the way of your happiness?

Oh, definitely. Not often, but there are times where the easier, immoral option is the quickest road to happiness and yet I have to stop myself if I feel like keeping my integrity.

3. What quote do you live by?

Rest in Distress.

-Evan Rubenzahl

Lmao jk I have a handful. But the one I tend to come back to over and over again is "Have courage and be kind." Who knew Cinderella would have the answers on how to live my life ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

4. Is happiness over-rated?

Absolutely not.

5. What made each of your past pets special?

Oh boy, there were quite a few so I dunno if I'll be able to remember them all! There were the cannibal snails; the rescued baby bird;  Roger the Hamster named after the iconic Mr. Rogers; Gato and Bachi, my parents' first set of cats; the mysteriously disappearing frogs; Sandy the Prize Turtle who we thought was a boy but was actually a girl; probably several fish that have vanished from memory; Bernie & Phyllis, my precious sassy old rescue kitties; Suki the peanut chihuahua-terrier, who is the love of my life but such an old little woman now; Nutella the warm, adorable slobbery bulldog pup; and finally, Phoenix & Scout, my current demonically playful, astonishingly needy (and loud) kittens adopted from South Salem, New York.

6. Do you think it's easier to be happy when you don't have as many choices?

It can be. Ignorance is bliss and all that jazz.

7. Are you letting any of your gifts go to waste?

I mean, I hope not. I'm assuming gifts here means "natural talents" or something like that? Each of my "talent" inclinations has always fallen in the artistic realm but I haven't necessarily had the means to pursue them as in-depth as I'd like. Dance/voice/music lessons are not cheap, my dudes. I know I have skills there, I just need to figure out how to harness them fully.

8. Which bad habits could you cut out that would help you sleep better?

I'm not even gonna go there. Insomnia can go fuck itself.

9. What do you sometimes take for granted?

Probably my friends' kindness. They are too good to me and I do not deserve them <3

10. What is contributing a surprising amount of happiness to your life these days?

Not all that surprising, but Phoenix & Scout have stolen my entire heart and can get away with probably anything if they nuzzle me hard enough.

11. Have you ever tried to regularly take quiet time for yourself?

As an introvert, it's sorta hard to exist without it.

12. How often do you make a to-do list?

Ohmygod, every day.

13. What's the hardest thing for you to resist?

Persuasion.

14. What would you like to give up thinking about?

Student loans hahahaahhahahahahhaaaaaa

15. Which of your commitments is the hardest to keep?

I'm not entirely sure what this means but I guess anything school-related stresses me out the most and therefore I end up brushing things off until the last possible minute.

16. If you could wave a magic wand and one thing in your life would be checked off your to-do list what would you pick?

Any homework, ever. I love school and I love learning yall, but completing assignments? Not my area.

17. Do you accept what can't be changed?

Not always. I want to, though.

18. How can you be happier than you are right now?

If I could stick to a routine. I mean actually, really truly stick to a healthy routine to the point where it becomes second nature. But unfortunately, not much of my life has allowed for it.

19. Which locations are on your bucket list?

Colombia, Peru, El Salvador, Venezuela, Brazil, Chile, Cuba, Mexico, Scotland, The Netherlands, Portugal, France, Greece, Italy, Austria, Vietnam, Japan, Thailand, Australia, Nepal, China, The Philippines, Egypt, Lebanon, Nigeria, South Korea, Singapore, Bangladesh, Belgium, Switzerland, Norway, Denmark, Iceland... Man, the list could go on.

20. What are the three most important qualities you look for in a partner?

Compassion, humor & reliability.

21. What's the difference between pleasure and happiness?

I like to think of pleasure as a short-lived, immediate thing whereas happiness is more of a long-term, all-encompassing thing. 

22. Which area of your life needs the most organization?

My sleep schedule, holy shit.

23. Are you ever surprised by your own behavior?

Rarely. Usually, the surprise stems from the shock of my own self-restraint. I tend to be very impulsive when it comes to my emotions and the actions that follow them, so if I'm able to fight off some impulsive instincts, it's no small thing.

24. Who's the most surprisingly happy person you know?

All the ones I can think of are children, so... I dunno what that says about the adult world.

25. Do you have unnecessarily impossible standards?

For myself? Absolutely 100%. For others, not particularly.

..........

And there you have the first 25 questions, folks. If anything, I hope this brought some vague sense of levity to your own life before you go out and fight for change in this world (go do it! we need you!)

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Love in the Time of Corona

I don't know what I'm trying to write.

Nothing I could ever write would heal this kind of hurt. And yet here I am trying to make some sense of it all. Or maybe not make sense of it, just... I dunno. Throw my thoughts into the void.

Everything has happened so fast. Two weeks ago, we all happily left for spring break without a care in the world. Some of us came prepared for the worst, others did not. I have attempted to take every step with grace, but have not been so successful. First, the rumors. Then memes, warnings, emails followed. News headlines flashing COVID-19, Coronavirus, Global Pandemic. It just doesn't go away. Hasn't gone away. Week two in self-quarantine trying to keep clean, trying to keep sane, trying to make the aches of missing you all go away.

I think I told myself to write this as an attempt to journal my way through the outbreak. People kept journals during the World Wars, during the Great Depression, during the Spanish Influenza—why should this be any different? Our world is at war with a virus we don't yet know how to beat. It's perhaps our scariest enemy yet. And while I don't think it productive to fall into a complete state of panic, people need to do better. Wash your hands. Stay home. Practice social distancing. Remain six feet apart. Don't hoard supplies. Be a decent fucking human being. We are all hurting. We are all scared. At least be kind.

Things are scary right now. They are. Between trying to navigate the transition to online classes, to figuring out where I was gonna live, to making sure my parents were safe, to scrubbing my hands raw, to battling with loneliness in isolation, to wondering what I'm gonna do when my medication runs out, to attempting to function at all like a regular human being... It just... It's a lot. I've been fortunate enough to be able to stay with Linnea's family in MA for the time being. YD is doing the same with a friend from RISD. Javi and Mami are stuck in the DR apartment. My dad is in VT working the frontlines every day as a retail employee at a pharmacy. Talk about modern-day soldiers.

There has been so much uncertainty and so much distress on all fronts. So much is out of our control. I've tried focusing on the little tiny baby things I do have control over (like eating and sleeping, showering and brushing my teeth, going for a walk or at least looking out the window) and yet I still can't seem to do them all enough. Evan's been pushing me to stay on top of it. Linnea's been trying to keep me sane. Vassar students everywhere are scrambling—for their belongings, their GPAs, their friends, their canceled graduations. Professors and administration can barely keep up with the ever-changing news. Entire states are being shut down left and right. Outside feels like a ghost town. Still, the only way out is through.

When things are scary and frightening and uneasy and unknown, I find it comforting to revel in the small things. Like raspberry jam on toast. And crossword puzzles. A weighted blanket for bed. Hamster feet. Hugs of every kind. Facetime. Fun-filled pasta. Rediscovering club penguin. Cooking dinner together. Puppy licks. Disney movies. Children's books. A hot shower. Solitude at 3am. Plants that continue to grow despite it all. I am so lucky to be cared for and healthy and safe. Not everyone can say the same.

Please be kind to yourselves and each other. The world has needed tenderness for some time now. Give it to her.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya 

A Peek Inside the Good & the Bad

Dearest friends,

Just a peer inside at what it looks like to text me while I'm in crisis *insert upside-down smiley face* Many thanks to Evan and Linnea (who I owe my life to twelve times over). Also if you are easily triggered by a distressing stream of texts, you probably shouldn't read this right now. I mainly jotted this down for my own healing. Please take care of yourselves in these unstable times.

...

Hey
Um
So
V strongly dissociating rn
I'm okay
And safe
But I'm trying not to throw up and I feel like an alien
A close family friend of mine just passed away this morning in DR from COVID-19
I just found out like twenty minutes ago
I'm not physically able to cry
That's all
I'm sorry
...
Evan I wanna throw up
Sorry
That's gross
...
I wish you were here
...
It's like stuck
I mean
There's nothing to throw up
Linnea made me breakfast and I couldn't eat it
I had like half a slice of an English muffin
I'm so nauseous
...
Also I have this nagging feeling that I'm disappointing you
...
No but like
I
It's dumb
I know it is
But I can't
I can't shake the feeling
Fuck I'm sorry
...
I mean the food thing, and the sleep thing, and the general taking care of myself thing I just like
Wanna be better automatically
...
I know but I feel like my baby steps aren't fast enough and you and other people will be disappointed
And like it's embarrassing that I'm not better at it already
Cuz I am an adult and I should know how to do these things
...
I feel like there's a rock in my throat
...
I want you to be here so we can blow out our birthday candles
...
I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay
...
I'm trying
It feels like there's
Like there's
Um
Ropes?
...
Ropes on my ribs
It's too slow
It's going too slow
...
Breathing
Heart rate
It's slow
I'm gonna die if it's too slow
...
I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay
My ribs feel on fire
...
Gross
...
I'm sure your grandkids will think it's funny tho and call you a gorilla
Or a monkey man
Tarzan
...
Fuck what do sharp chest pains mean
...
Cool
...
Cool cool cool
...
My ribs won't expand all the way
Why is this scary
I'm sorry
...
Am I making all of this up
Wait
I
...
It feels like
Like
Like I'm not me
Like I'm someone else
This is all happening to someone else
...
I talk to her tomorrow
...
Mhmm
...
But I'm okay
...
I'm just
Sleepy probably
...
Mhmm
...
What do I tell my professor?
I mean I don't really care honestly
...
It's
...
I feel drunkish
Like I'm okay
Just
Woozy
...
Barbara
...
Uh huh
Yeah
...
Weird sentences one after the other but I love you too
Like lots
...
False
But thank you
...
Rude
I love you a lot
I'm so sorry I'm so mean to you all the time
I never mean it
You're my best person
You're a good person
That
I'm
Tired
Barbara then sleep maybe
I'm sorry
...
Do you hate me?
...
Thanks cool
You're a good Watson.

...

To all my friends who have ever helped me through a crisis—I cannot thank you enough. You have saved my life more times than I can count. I love you I love you I love you <3

To Jenny, who spiced up the world with her kindness, her bravery, her art—Ya te extraño.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Existential & Twenty

Hello, my dears. I am feeling a bit sleepy so I'll try to keep this short.

On Friday, yours truly turned twenty years old. Two zero. Absurd, if you ask me.

Of course, I had all sorts of trepidations about leaving my teen years and no matter how much Evan tried to console me by saying it's just another number and it doesn't even matter what age I am so long as I stay myself, I had doubts. It's only been like three days and surely I feel just the same except for the fact that I don't qualify as a teenager anymore. Which means I'm not a child. Which means I'm an adult. And I kind of hate that.

When you're an adult, people start to expect things from you. How to behave, how to talk, how to dress. Manners, diligence, resourcefulness. Children look up to you. You accumulate responsibilities. And you're expected to do all this knowingly without a moment's notice. Now, of course I know most adults do not, in fact, have their shit together and tend to scramble and make mistakes and flounder and ask for help and make more mistakes and fail over and over again. That all just seems a bit scary to me.

I know more adult-y adults will always be around to help but what if you don't even know where to begin? Surely every other twenty-year-old on the planet felt more capable than I when their birthdays came about. Am I the only one who spent an inordinate amount of time mourning their adolescence? Is there anything there to even mourn? Then again, I've always been quite the existential creature and have felt the weight of the world at every age.

I think in some ways, I have my shit together more than most other newly-twenties; in other ways, I feel like everyone else was given an instructional pamphlet and I was given a coloring book.

I can really feel the sleep hitting now...

I'm kind of excited for this new decade but I'm also kind of wondering who thought it a good idea to let me be in charge of things. I'm still just a freshman in college but I know for a fact this time will fly by and before I know it, I'll be an even adultier adult with a life and a job and more bills to pay.

I guess I'm just scared because all I've ever wanted was stability. I'd be content if nothing exciting happened to me for the rest of my life because more often than not, excitement has brought along its fair share of tragedy and I've never been able to escape it. I want to be happy in my uneventful, stable, healthy, routine, comfortable life. I want a roof over my head and food at the table and health for me and my loved ones. Everything else would just be a bonus.

I think things will be okay. I think they will. I'm optimistic and hopeful enough, I'm just tired of fighting sometimes. And tired of being awake. But good things can happen when I'm awake so I'll keep waking up.

Sweet dreams, friends <3

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

More Important Things than Valentine's Day

Hey everyone. It's been a while. Sorry about that.

Yet again I find myself writing seemingly nonsensical gibberish at four in the morning. To be fair, at least I don't have class on Fridays. I went to bed wicked early last night with the intention to wake up around 3am so I could deliver my absent roommate's adorable Valentine's Day treats, and I guess I just haven't fallen asleep since.

I took the opportunity that I was awake to edit Pri's college app essays which I had promised to take care of two days ago. I'd been meaning to do it but always found myself preoccupied or too tired. I'm proud to say it's over and done with now though. It's something I accomplished and can now tick off my to-do list.

I've been binge-watching Season 3 of Riverdale because I love my trashy Cole Sprouse show with all my heart no matter how bad it is or how many plotholes there are. I've been trying to make it through the week relatively unscathed. Hasn't particularly worked. After my roommate, Jessica had to go home last week due to an emergency, I haven't quite been able to pull myself out of this weird energy vacuum. I miss her like hell. I miss when the room wasn't so empty. She'll be back eventually but it might take a while, we don't know.

Though I love my classes and my job and my friends and my schedule this semester, I've still been struggling with some other energy-sucking situations. Meetings with the Title IX office; meetings with my therapist; meetings with my survivor's group therapy; meetings with my academic/life coach; it's just all been a lot. And I've been well supported, I have, but it's still like... Like I just don't have the focus or alertness to do it all, all the time, you know?

Anyway.

I love my job—working with little kids brings so much joy. I love my Movement for Actors and Jazz Dance classes the most. It feels so good to get out of my head and into my body and get actual academic credit for it. I love my friends—the ones that listen to my bullshit stories and the ones that take me for a drive at two in the morning and the ones that take spontaneous diner trips for shakes and fries and the ones that take boudoir photos of each other and the ones that play cards against humanity till we pee ourselves and the ones that agree to sing their heart out with me. They're all so special and I adore them so so so so much. I love my roommate and I cannot wait until she gets back.

I've sort of been in a creative block lately. Like I have so many ideas and have so many things I want to create and pursue but I just can't bring myself to start any of them. Writing this blogpost was my attempt to just kinda get out there and make something even if it's shit. It beats keeping everything inside my head.

Tomorrow or I guess later tonight, I'm going to see my friend Leila's burlesque show and I'm super duper excited about that. And on Saturday, the Owls have their annual Margaritowlville concert. The dress code is all black—dress to undress. So that's pretty exciting too. I'm gonna attempt to do as much of my work ahead of time as possible so I can fully enjoy the weekend in all its glory.

Or something like that.

Ay, mijos, it's nearly 5am and I still haven't gone back to bed. I should fix that, really. Tomorrow I will breathe to life new accomplishments and new creations and I will have things to be proud of. I will I will I will.

Here's wishing you all a dandy Valentine's Day. May it be everything you want it to be or not be.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Productivity Levels These Days, Amirite?

Hello hi hello so y'all can ignore this post it's sorta more of a word vomit thing for me to feel like I did something like I accomplished something during this holiday weekend because otherwise I'm gonna start being self-deprecating and shit and it's gonna be real ugly and not fun so I decided I would list shit off that I did so I feel like a productive human being because sometimes I only feel valuable when I am useful yafeel so anyhow here goes

I handmade eleven holiday cards with all my artsy arts and crafts things

I single-handedly bought the food ingredients we needed in order to make thanksgiving happen with my own damn money

I made banana bread muffins for said thanksgiving feast and didn't burn them even a little bit

I wrote my first turkey day post and submitted it for y'all to see

I watched The Sword and the Stone solely because my brother requested to watch it and even when everyone else abandoned the movie I stayed

I watched Captain Marvel with my dad even tho I'd already seen it because he hadn't seen it and I wanted to know his reactions

I socialized with my cousins Max and Ali when they came over to visit on the holiday

I ran the dishwasher twice and unloaded it twice and made sure the kitchen sink wasn't gross or gunky I left it fully clean

I helped YD efficiently pack all the things he needed to bring back to school because he's useless at packing but also I live to feel useful to people so

I accompanied my dad to get his paycheck deposited and then helped him pick out stuff for YD to get clothing-wise because YD hardly ever ever ever gets new clothes and he was in need of them and the things we got were nice and I am happy to see him happy and I'm happy to see my dad happy because he made my brother happy idk it's just nice

I also got new running shoes for the first time since I was twelve and I'm really excited about not slipping around on the ground anymore since my new sneaks have grips on the bottom unlike my old ones

I helped acquire snacks for all because I am organized and get things done quickly and efficiently

I accompanied Natasha for two hours while we dropped off YD at his bus station so he could get back to school and we went to see a museum for a little bit and got to the station with plenty of time so YD could pick a seat he actually wanted and it was nice and we were glad he go there safe

I ran errands for my dad and picked up house supplies

I made myself and Natasha taquitos when there was nothing else to be had and they were delicious

I made YD a peanut butter and raspberry jam sandwich with a side of clementine and a glass of milk because he hadn't eaten anything all day

I played and snuggled and cuddled with Phoenix and Scout for hours and hours because I want them to know that I love them like I want them to really really know know that I love love love them with all my heart my whole entire being would do anything for those two

I provided people with alcohol and stories and passwords and so I felt useful again which was nice

I listened to a ton of new ASMR to go to sleep

I unpacked all the clothes I wanted to leave in VT and I put away the giving away items and I did my laundry and folded my laundry

I dreamt about a wedding

I showered and did a painful facemask and moisturized

I packed away all the things I needed to bring back to school

I slept when I needed sleeping and I woke when I needed waking

I hope getting that off my chest feels better soon I really do

In the meantime ciao los amo los quiero pórtense bien y todo eso dulces sueños muah

Turkey Day List #1

Hello, my dudes. I hope you all had a fabulous Thanksgiving (if you celebrate that type of thing) and I hope you can forgive me for not posting this three days ago—I was busy making some DELICIOUS banana bread muffins for my fam. Also, I was wine drunk so you can imagine...

Anyhow, here goes the age-old list you've all been waiting for:

Technology: You allow me to connect with those I'd otherwise have no means of reaching. Thank you.

Banana Bread Muffins: When the rest of the world was sour, you were sweet.

Wimpfheimer: You reignited my love for working with children and I am so lucky to work at such a beautiful place.

Saoirse the Succulent: My beautiful, darling girl. I'm sorry the windowsill gets so cold at night. I wish I could warm you up and keep you happy all the time.

Poe the Printer: The goodest boi there ever was. Our little hardworking man. Jessica and I are so proud of you, buddy.

Everest, Hobbes, Charlotte, Muffins, and Nox: Welcome to the club.

Jessica's supercool Fancy Lamp: I would have been knocked dead in the dark of night if it weren't for you. Plus, you're just kinda all around rad. Couldn't have asked for a better room lamp.

Raymond House: All Hail the Rat King.

Hallway 3 Cen: Thanks for putting up with drunken laughter and a cappella sing-ins and Halloween eggings. You're the real MVPs.

Beats Suite: My home away from 317. I am so glad I became an official suitemate. As stated on the wall of rules. It's a thing now.

Disney+: Where have you been my whole entire life? Every single episode of Suite Life? Yes, please.

The Deece's Late Night Corndogs: Truly, I am convinced you're injected with hallucinogens or some other weird shit. Why else would Jessica and I lose our fucking minds so frequently?

The Library's 24 hour Section: Bro, you've seen some shit. Let's keep that between ourselves, shall we?

Baldwin: Horrific as you are at times, you've helped me through days I didn't think I could step out of bed, so thank you. Really.

Express: For feeding me speedily when I would otherwise have skipped a meal.

Drama 102: Odd and strange and wack and awkward and uncomfortable and wild as this class gets, I'm really thankful for the journey and the creative mind it has made out of me.

Dynamic Women: All the snaps. Too many snaps. This class slaps.

Conditioning Class: Tough as this semester has been, it always felt great to sweat and melt the stress away.

Pell Grants: Thanks for helping ya girl out.

Zoloft: Ditto.

Laser pointers: For providing endless entertainment to my two little monsters. You are a blessing.

All 10 Seasons of Friends: My god, the headaches I endured for you... Were you worth it? Probably not, but you made me pretty damn content most of the time and for that, I can appreciate you.

Potterless Podcast: My one daily indulgence that never fails to make me laugh. If y'all enjoy dumb HP trivia and puns as much as I do, go check it out.

His Dark Materials: I have a new addiction?

Euphoria: Zendaya and Hunter—you have my whole entire heart.

Pinterest: For housing all future hopes and dreams.

Lin's Gmorning, Gnight: You pulled me out of the scariest 24 hours of my life (with the help of my precious Linnea) and brought comfort when I didn't think there was any left in the world. Thank you.

Midnight walks through the Fog: You know why.

I know holidays can be tough but hey! You made it past this one alive! I'm so proud of you!

Stay oh-so-super-warm and accept my love in the chilly days to come.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

The Longest I've Ever Stayed

I've been meaning to post this for a hella long time but I got caught up in things. oops...

As of last week, it would have been exactly two years since I left Vassar. So, technically speaking, this is the longest I've stayed at college ever. Like ever ever. And I dunno, I'm pretty proud of that :)

We're already more than halfway through the semester so I have quite a bit to catch you up on (I promise I'll try to be as brief as I can possibly stand.)

First, maybe I'll introduce you to some people:

Jessica is my roommate. My crazy, demented, neurotic, hilarious, brilliant, talented, kindhearted roommate. Living with her is such a blessing. I seriously could not pick two more opposite people in terms of interests, but holy shit do our living habits coincide. Some highlights of our roommate arrangement: the time Jessica spent 45 minutes recounting the entire plot of Shrek to us; the time Jessica baked two entire pies from scratch for our fellow group; the time I lit a candle that made our room smell like heaven on earth; the time we taught Garret how to put on a bra; the time Jessica got us both pumpkins and we named them Linus and Jackie (short for Ja-que-line); the time we both got high off of eating too many corn dogs and proceeded to cry-laugh for two straight hours; the time we accidentally almost watched porn in the Deece; the time we got caught up in gang shit; the time we both were avoiding contact with a certain boy; the time JESSICA BROUGHT BACK A RICE COOKER (now we can make rice in our room anytime we want woohoo). Anyway, you get the picture.

Gabby is our student fellow (at Vassar, they're basically our RA's except they can't get us into trouble, they're just there to look out for us and be our mentors and such). Gabby is a riot and a half. Beautiful, hilarious, loving, talented, avocado-bearing mother. She's been such a great help and is always such a joy to see around. Much love mom!!! xoxo

Our hallmates (otherwise known as our fellow group) are Charlotte, Leila, Garret, Miles, Robin, and Sara. Every single one of them is so wonderfully unique and silly in their own way. Jessica and I truly lucked out. These peeps are simply the greatest. (To prove to you how freaking much we love each other, we've decided entirely by our own free will that we want to have group dinners on Saturday nights).

Then we've got our newest Owl babies!!! Our nest was joined this year by Madison (love of my life), Eloise (witty queen), and Cameron (genuine goddess). The three of them have been such a lovely addition to the group and their voices are so gorgeous they make me *cry*

Of course, I've still been seeing a lot of Linnea and Evan though it's almost as if we're living in different hemispheres half the time. Schedules are some total bullshit. (I love that I've become an honorary member of the Beats suite—where Linnea lives with Juliana and Martin—because I get full access to a WHOLE ASS PUPPER AND HAMSTER!)

Speaking of schedules tho, I've had a pretty rad semester. Like, luck doesn't even cut it when it comes to how amazing my schedule turned out. I'm taking all classes I ADORE. Among them, I get to go to the gym and get credit, I get to learn special behind the scenes effects that go into theatre, I get to put on mini play productions every single week, I get to work my ass off learning music theory, and I get to ramble to my heart's content about intersectional feminism in Latin America. I could not be more hecking blessed.

My advisor Maria is in the History department (lmao) but she has been such a great help to me in figuring out what I want to do and which paths I'd like to take. Alongside her, I have to credit MaryJo (the head of the educational opportunity and accessibility office) who kept me from drowning underwater and to my therapist Barbara for keeping me afloat. Without them, I'd be so fucking lost. Like, without a doubt.

Oh! And guess what else? I love my job! For work-study, I work at the local nursery school and it is truly the most fun, rewarding, exhausting job I have ever had. I am so lucky to be there and to be learning from some of the most devoted and brilliant teachers in the school.

I should 100% be asleep right now so I'm gonna try to wrap this up yikes

Overall, I am having one hell of a good time. All the things that could possibly have gone right for me this time, have. I'm not trying to jinx it or anything, but I dunno. This time around feels different. I feel so much more ready for college and everything ahead of me than ever before. I'm excited about what I'm doing, I'm excited about where I'm going. Things are finally looking up. Despite all the difficult things and everyday obstacles, I am finally capable of slaying the hell out of them. Before I know it, it'll be the end of this semester and we'll be reaching into the next one.

And once more, since I should very much be asleep right now, Carpe Noctum.

Hasta la próxima!

Much love xoxo

Maya

For Lack of a Better Post

I really need to stop taking such enormous hiatuses.

Here are some fun and exciting things that have happened in the life of Maya since we last spoke:

1) Papi and I saw Avengers: Endgame and if you haven't seen it by now, shame on you. It's a cultural necessity.

2) I read a beautiful and tragic book by the name of Zac+Mia. Highly recommend.

3) I skimmed through some cool babysitting jobs and managed to become part of the top 1% of babysitters in my area apparently???

4) I finally managed to start going to therapy again after freaking months. Insurance is truly a bitch.

5) I became fast friends with one of Lauryn's college buds, Luke :)

6) We had our Newsies cast party and I had the best time!!! My babies CJ and Nat were adorable as ever and we even got to play Unstable Unicorns with my other baby Danny <3 I got a wee bit drunk and so did everyone else and it was glorious.

7) I introduced Papi to Queer Eye and I'm pretty sure we've watched every single episode at this point. There's not a single one he didn't cry at.

8) Papi and I watched one of the most horrific renditions of Les Mis this world has ever seen and did not regret a single second of it. We were thoroughly entertained. Who knew Les Mis was a comedy?

9) I filmed a mini Mother's Day video (props to my cousin Brenda for putting it together) for my beautiful Tia Nelly and was rewarded with many tears and words of appreciation.

10) My cousin Natasha came to stay! We got to catch up on our wild lives and the many petty things that happen to us on a regular basis :)

11) I continued to walk the precious puggle, Chloe, although she's been having trouble walking lately and it makes me v sad.

12) I got asked to dogsit for Shea again!!! For five days!!! I'm so excited!!!

13) I started reading Reincarnation Blues at Luke's urging and so far I'm completely loving it.

14) I booked my train tickets for RI. Gotta go see my Abbey babies graduate next week!

15) I finally got around to watching The Imitation Game and was a thousand percent blown away. The cast was impeccable and their portrayals of these real people were astounding. I could watch it again and again and again.

16) My mom turned a whole fifty years old! Which is crazy to me because I honestly have frozen her in time at age 36. Or 37. Hard to believe she's even a day older than that, honestly.

17) In searching for pictures to post on my mom's birthday, I discovered an obscenely large amount of meme-worthy pictures featuring me and my entire family. That's what happens when your mom decides to post every single fucking picture that exists of you on Facebook. What a time to be alive.

18) Since Vassar's administration decided I was a ghost in their system (long story) and didn't make any moves to fix it, my parents took to writing many strongly worded emails and I just gotta say I never feel luckier than when my parents defend my honor/existence. It's truly a blessing.

19) These abortion bans have got me all kinds of fucked up. Livid. Scared. Outraged. Distraught. I can't even begin to explain how terrifying it is to be in possession of a uterus these days. That goes for trans men, gender non-conforming, agender, and non-binary people too. It's really fucking scary to know that a bunch on non-uterus-possessing individuals can just snap their fingers and take away our bodily autonomy. For fuck's sake, dead corpses have more bodily autonomy than we do. It's not about the children. It's never been about them. It's about control and nothing more.

20) I'm going to see Nat's dance recital this weekend and I'm so freaking hyped!!! That girl's got wicked talent.

And thus concludes my mini update. I swear I have better post ideas, it's just a matter of actually sitting down and creating them. In the meantime, you get to enjoy my day to day life. Riveting, I know.

Honestly why do these always occur at the crack of dawn?

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

My Extremely Riveting Life

Hi hi hi

So it's been a hot second since I last posted (was somewhat in a post-show depressive funk, as one does) but I just thought I'd ease your wild concerns and let you know that I've actually had some pretty cool things happen since the show ended.

I mean, their happening didn't really have anything to do with the show ending it just sorta coincided that way and just... Anyway.

I managed to read two entire horrifically depressing yet mildly uplifting books: My Heart & Other Black Holes as well as Beautiful Broken Things. In all honesty I preferred the latter. Felt a bit more realistic and was more about the complexities of teenaged friendship I guess? Good stuff.

I got to meet my uncle Joel's dogs and bring them to the dog park!!!

Also also also I managed to develop an extremely huge crush and have it squashed in three seconds flat so like that was super fun. It's okay though. I mean, I think it will be. I hope it will be. I still want us to be friends.

I got to spend time with my Newsies #yamily at a super yummy food place called Novelty Eats in the Bronx and also at our dear Matt's script reading for his new play. It was shockingly beautiful and truly something else.

Oh also I got to see Hadestown on Broadway with my dad as a joint birthday present for the two of us but that's something that I might need to reserve for a whole other post...

I finally got around to watching Christopher Robin because it happened to be on Netflix and I was not at all disappointed.

Got my first sunburn of the year over something really stupid.

Buying tickets for Avengers: Endgame was essential. We're watching it on Monday. Until then, zero spoilers or I will murder you.

I got to dogsit overnight at someone's apartment and it was such a cool experience. Shea the dog is such a fuckin cutie. I also get to dogwalk for this oldie Puggle named Chloe. Three times a week. It's a dream.

Other than that, I've really just been going to babysitting interviews (some involving some deeply overprotective and micromanaging parents...) and catching up on some annoying college financial aid stuff. The usual.

I think next week, me and my dad may attempt to go see my friend Ottavio's Seussical at his high school. He claims it's gonna be a disaster and a half, I think it's gonna be entertaining as hell. What can ya do.

OH! I ALMOST FORGOT!

I CHANGED MY FIRST EVER TIRE! AND DIAPER! BUT THE TIRE PART IS MORE IMPORTANT!

Lmao I mean I didn't really change the tire, my dad did, but I think it still counts. I helped elevate the car with the weird lever thingy and loosened the bolt things and held the new tire in place and tightened the other bolts and lowered the car again, etc. No big deal :)

Cool cool cool so that's been my update of the day.

Jesus, it's almost 2am. I seriously do not know how I keep doing this.

Anyhow, I love you all to pieces and I hope you get a daily dose of sunshine, metaphorical or not ;)

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Pseudo Hangovers

Hey folks.

Kind of a lot has happened in the past few days. Among them, I got fired from my first ever job, performed one of the greatest shows of all time with my fellow Newsies cast, booked at least four potential babysitting gigs, and experienced one of my worst bouts of post-show depression to date.

So yeah. A lot. I was asleep practically all day yesterday and didn't wake up til about 10:30pm so I have yet to fall asleep again. Which is bad, I know. My internal clock is all messed up.

Anyway, I'm pretty delirious as I'm writing this. I just kinda felt like I needed to write something. I dunno. I'm tired as fuck and kinda hungry and I have an interview at 3pm today but I couldn't fall asleep without writing something and throwing it out into the universe. Hence, this blogpost.

Gah, I miss my newsies peeps. Like lots.

By the way, post-show depression is kind of a lot like being really badly hungover plus severely mentally ill. In case you were wondering, it super sucks.

There was no real point to this post, so feel free to ignore it.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Our Little Lives

Just finished reading The Beginning of Everything.

Just remembered that satisfied feeling you get when you finally accomplish reading a book that was taking forever. I dunno, somehow that plus the urge to write. Big time. And not in some small way, either. I want to write big, great things; things people actually want to read; things people stay up all night waiting for, like I did. I want the fantasy and the wonder to come back, the seamless quoting from archaic poetry, the late nights without anxiety, the thrill of being the only one who knows what happens at the end.

I know I'm only me and in the words of Enjolras from Les Mis: "Our little lives don't count at all." But what if the world is simply too large and overwhelming, too frightening and all-encompassing, that all I can truly handle right now is my little life? Doesn't that count for something?

Part of me was destined to break the rules, to be a leader and a game-changer––that much is in my blood. The longing to make a huge impact is there but its hands are tightly wrapped around fear. The world is so big and I am so small. How could I possibly make room for all the pain and suffering in the world? I literally could not stomach it in its entirety. And if that makes me weak, then it makes me weak.

I know there are people far smaller and far braver than I, and I guess I have to be okay with that. I will not be the revolutionary or the paramedic or the missionary or the preacher. I cannot be. I only tell stories and try my best to reach my hand out through the spaces in my words, hoping someone will extend theirs and grab it. I only have enough space for that.

I will never be enough for you, but I am beginning to learn that that's okay. I am enough for me and my little life. If my stories reach other little lives and so on, so be it. Let them hold my hand and know I am walking beside them, too. That's the best I can do.

'Fraid that book I read was a bit existential. Or maybe it's nearly 3am and I'm the one feeling existential. Who knows. Either way, I needed to get that out of my system.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Newsies Forever

Hi hi hi.

It's currently 1:30am and I have yet to go to bed. We only just got back from Newsies rehearsal a little while ago. Speaking of, the show is tomorrow (today technically) :) Three whole months of grueling work finally comes together in a live performance tomorrow evening and I could not be more excited. Like, yes, I'm fucking exhausted and I'm pretty sure I only have two functioning brain cells left, but also, this cast has worked so hard for so long and they deserve great things, including a sold out audience (which I'm pretty sure we're gonna have).

What's been so cool about this entire process is that we had no idea we would get here. My dad and I auditioned all the way back in January, knowing absolutely no one in the group and still pretty deep in our depressive slumps. Auditioning for this show was a way out. It was an opportunity to get us out of our shell and into the world, into meeting new and amazing people. And we did exactly that. This cast is full of some of the most humble, most kind and hardworking people I have ever met. Spending time with them each week has been a blessing. Now, we are mere hours away from our opening night and it has all come together (miraculously). We've celebrated at the end of each night this week with a group dance party––sweaty, disheveled and sore––but content, because at the end of the day, we're telling a story about overcoming the odds, and that's exactly what we've done. By the way, we put on a damn good show :)

My eyes are literally closing right now, partly due to fatigue, partly due to eyelash glue, but anyhow...

Chris, our director, has done such an amazing job of keeping the passion alive in this show. Passion is what drives the whole thing. Without it, the show collapses. Angelique, our choreographer, took people from all different dance backgrounds and made them somehow coordinated enough to perform difficult pieces in unison. Patrick, our sweet, kindhearted music director, gifted confidence to those who had never felt comfortable singing before. Anna, our stage manager, and Nico, our set and lighting designer, created simple yet captivating pieces that take us all the way back to 1899. Nicole, our photographer and resident mom, lent us her joyous enthusiasm and made sure we all looked good for the promo videos ;) Kelly, forever our #1 cheerleader, came to practically every rehearsal and got us through many late nights. Then of course there's my whole entire dysfunctional family of a cast.

Brian (Jack) and Jill (Hannah) who are our fearless leaders and also happen to be engaged (they're so cute together, I could die); the adults Robert (Pulitzer), Ahesha (Ms. Medda), Dennis (Mr. Jacobi), Joanie (Seitz), Eileen (Mz. Snyder), Drew (President Roosevelt), and my dad (Bunsen) who have zero clue what they're doing but make it work anyway; the eternal bromance, Matt (Finch) and Sean (Davey) who also happen to own falsettos unknown to any other person on the planet; my girls Frankie (Katherine), Victoria (Beauty), Amanda (Woman XD), Natalie (Tommy Girl) and Aleah (Beauty) who are the only source of femininity in this entire show and quite frankly are a breath of fresh air; then there's Jeffrey (Les), the thirteen-year-old who had us all convinced he was simultaneously eight and forty years old; my boys Justin (Newsie), Phil (Henry), Gino (Albert), Delon (Morris), Joseph (Elmer), Leo (Spot), Joey (Mush), David (Oscar), Maurice (Newsie), Brandon (Romeo), Danny A. (Newsie), and Marquis (Specs) who blow me away with their endless energy, talent, and dedication; the second bromance features my two beautiful boys Danny H (Bill) and Ottavio (Darcy) who light up an entire room just by being there; we have Torrey (Race) who happens to be in a long-term fiery relationship with Angelique and made the phrase "Not like this" unbelievably contagious; and last but not least, Chris-Action (not actually his name, but he played the character Action in West Side Story last fall and the name stuck even thought he hates it with every fiber of his being) playing the role of (Crutchie), and who also happens to be one of the most simultaneously dumb yet brilliant people I've ever met.

If you're still reading, I commend you because those were a lot of names to go through. I don't even know how I'M still here. Seriously. My eyelids are basically glued shut.

Sigh.

Point is, I love this cast very, very much and I can't believe I get to perform Newsies FIVE WHOLE TIMES with them!!! Like, that's just beyond awesome :) My family (Joel, Melissa, Natasha, John, & Gaby) is actually coming to see it this Saturday so that should be super awesome, especially seeing as most of them have never seen me or my dad perform live. Plus, LINNEA IS COMING TOO AND SHE IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE THE END.

I think my last brain cell just died so I'm gonna wrap this up and try not to trip and die on my way to bed.

Wish me luck and many broken legs for tomorrow y'all!

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya