Amalgamation

Sup.

I haven't been able to write for months. I mean, I've tried. But I never ended up finishing any of the posts I meant to write and so I've been left with an amalgamation of sorts. I thought I'd share them anyway.

..........

It's been exactly one month since I turned twenty and one month since I last saw all my Vassar friends. It's been a month since I had possessions that existed outside of a carry-on suitcase and a month since things started to go downhill.

It's hard to believe that a month ago, I was still convinced I'd be going back to school in two weeks' time; that I'd spend a week touring Chicago with my a cappella group; that I'd get to go back to my room and spend quality time with Jessica, with Charlotte & Leila; that I'd get to crash Evan's room so we could blow out our very late birthday candles; that I'd finally be able to go on a real date with the guy I was trying not to crush on for months.

..........

Heya.

It's late, I know. 

Bit nauseous, bit of a headache. Can't seem to sleep. Just one of those nights, I suppose. 

I'm in a mood I think. There were excellent parts to this week and parts I wish I could forget. My anxiety's been real bad.

..........

Hi friends <3

I meant to write something in the month of October but it seemed to have escaped me. The days dragged on, each one feeling longer than the last. A blur of nightmares, skipped meals, and incomplete assignments. My friends are gems, though. We're all just trying to make it through. Only three weeks til home.

Rip so I wrote that weeks ago

..........

I dunno what's wrong. I mean I should know what's wrong. I'm pretty sure I know what's wrong. I haven't taken my meds for a week. That would do it. It wasn't exactly on purpose. I dunno. Maybe it was. Maybe I'm self-sabotaging again. Maybe my brain doesn't want me to succeed. 

I'm in the middle of a Dungeons and Dragons game at the moment. Should I be paying attention? Probably. I'm trying to. I want to. I also can't shake the need to violently vomit. Withdrawals, probably. Oh, and the Big Sads. That, too.

Being home is hard. It's a lot. It's knocked me down lower than I thought it would. I can't wait to go back home. Real home. School. Where my friends will be. Where I want to be. 

I want to be okay. I want my brain to stop scrambling. I want to feel okay in my body. I don't want to hate being alive. 

I'm trying my best to feel like an interesting person. Like I can be good at things. Like I might have talents. Like I might not be mediocre. The company I keep is hard to beat. Not that there's anything to beat. I'm proud of them. I appreciate them. I love them for who they are. I'm just not them. Or anywhere near them. I want to like myself. 

I'm so tired all the time. My body hurts all the time. I think it thinks I'm fighting a bear every day. Or getting hit by a bus. Or battling the flu. My bones hurt. My muscles ache. My head throbs. My stomach churns. Why do mental poisons seep so deeply into our bodies?

..........

Hi there darlings.

I know the holiday season can be extremely difficult for some of us. It certainly is for me. Whatever your reason may be, I want to make sure you know you are loved and cherished and cared for, if not by anyone else, then by you. Be your own best supporter this holiday season (it's also a-okay to ask for help when you need it.)

..........

It was so bad. The screaming just never stopped. I just wanted to have a good Christmas. A good anything, really. Family isn't supposed to cause you this much pain. It isn't it isn't it isn't. Only a little more and then I'll be home home again. 

..........

We broke up. It was the right choice.

..........

A civil war? In this economy?

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HEY BITCHES!

Things have been kinda... good lately? Food has been more stable and fun (I get to cook a lot of it) and my brothers have been nice to me which is unheard of. My dad's about the same but we've binge-watched a lot of shows with my brothers like His Dark Materials and Peaky Blinders and Ink Master. It's been nice. My cats have each slept in my room more so, yaknow, maybe they love me after all. LINNEA ADOPTED A DOG! AND SHE'S NAMING HIM MONET! LIKE A BALLER! And he's going to be my little nephew I am so excited. I started knitting again (thanks to Jessica crocheting boob triangles) and I started collaging again (thanks to an identity crisis.) Oh also JESSICA FINALLY GOT HER ROOM ASSIGNMENT AND SHE'S JUST DOWN THE HALL FROM ME I AM SO BEYOND EXCITED TO SQUEEZE THAT WOMAN AGAIN! And also we finally watched The Warriors (her and her dad's fave movie to watch together, so I think I'm part of the family now.) I'm hella fucking nervous for school to start again because I still don't have my class schedule ahahaha but hopefully the imposter syndrome stops getting to me and I'll actually feel like I belong at Vassar. Oh, and I've made tiktoks? I dunno, man... I'm a new woman or whatever.

..........

Aaaaaand that concludes all the things I meant to write but never finished (minus the Thanksgiving and New Years' posts, those will have to wait.) I know it's not much but I guess you can at least see the progression of my different mental states or something? Wack. Anyway.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Para Mami

Algo que quice escribir hace mucho. Ya basta de esperar.

..........

Para Mami

by: Maya I. Wilson Estrella

I can’t seem to write about anyone but you.

Wanting you to love me. Wanting you to care.

Wanting you to treasure me and always be there.

I’ve been so far away. I haven’t left you notes. 

If I had, would you even read what I wrote?

Wanting you to be proud. Wanting to be good.

Wanting to be just as loud and also understood.

Hold my hand, please. It’s been so long.

I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t want to be wrong.

Have I been missed? Do you remember my name?

It’s me, Ma. Did you notice the rain?

It’s your eyes, your smile, your nose.

I’ve still got all my fingers and all of my toes.

Wanting you closer. Wanting to forget.

Wishing I’d called. Wishing you’d fret.

There were nice parts sometimes.

Petting my hair back, temple kisses, applause.

The times I was purer and devoid of flaws.

You read to me, danced with me, I sang in the womb.

Why’d I have to go on and grow up so soon?

Mándame besos, bendiciones, tu fuerza, tu paz.

Muéstrame que yo sí soy capaz.

I’ll miss you for always, I’ll love you forever,

Gracias a Dios our relationship is better.

..........

Te quiero, Mami.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Too Much To Do, Too Much To Say

HIYA DEAREST FRIENDS!!!

I know, I know. It's been five million years. Sue me.

I believe last time we left off, I had just had my very first day of senior year. Needless to say, I've jam-packed quite a lot into the last couple of weeks.

Enharmonix has dropped from 13 members to 12. We've swapped out one of the three original charts. Which is okay. We'll get where we need to be by February 11th.

The Diary of Anne Frank is going surprisingly well. We've just finished staging all of Act 1. I got cast as Mrs. Frank, much to everyone's surprise, but although initially reluctant, I'm really loving this role. Despite her few lines, her character has so much depth and it's something I'm really having a lot of fun with. Besides, she's the first adult character I've ever had to play, so I'm thankful for the challenge.

Our good friend Mark will be playing my husband, Otto Frank. He's a newbie but he's getting the hang of it. My ol' roommate Amanda will be playing my eldest daughter, Margot, which is pretty ironic seeing as Amanda is the incarnation of dynamite and Margot is as sweet and mild as it gets. Then comes little baby freshman Annie, playing my younger daughter, Anne (I know, shocker). She's literally a fairy and she's so cute and I want to adopt her and take her home with me <3 Then we have the Van Daans, played by the lovely MegMeg and my bestie, Scotty P. I could not ask for any better people to be sharing all my time with. Then we have David S. playing their son, Peter, and Addison, the lil weasel, playing the old dentist, Mr. Dussel. Lastly, we have Emily and David Oh playing Miep and Mr. Kraler, respectively. It's a small cast, for sure, but everyone is doing such a great job and I am beyond excited to make people feel something for once.

If people don't shed tears, we will have failed.

Oh! Not that any of you were wondering, but yesterday I pulled the greatest feat of my entire Abbey career. Guess what.

I wrote an entire 5 paged paper for Father P in under an hour. It was due last period. I am still in shock at how I managed to pull that off.

Let's see, let's see... What else?

I suppose I forgot to mention my article finally got published and I was a tad bit proud of that, not gonna lie.

The International Student Dinner is this Thursday and I'm taking the bae cuz I can.

Columbus Day Weekend is coming up and I cannot wait to see all my college peeps when they come home. Guys, please expect endless hugs on my behalf :)

I got the first draft of my college essay done. It's decent enough but I don't exactly like how it's supposed to sum me up.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm

I got an A on my first AP English recitation! So that's cool :)

I've only had one real panic attack so far, so that's also good, I guess.

I also watched the movie Anonymous with CJS last Saturday. It is a must see. Seriously. If you're a fan of Shakespeare conspiracy theories, you HAVE to see it.

I've worn my dinosaur socks a lot recently.

Ooo!!! I got into Culinary Arts Club and it is the greatest decision I've ever made. So much food. All the time. It's magical.

I was sick for like a week because the Portsmouth Plague hit and the whole school was dead for a while.

Stillman is the same as it ever is. But today was Taco Tuesday so I was happy.

I also got my flu shot today so my arm is extremely sore. Darned needles.

Schola is pluggin along like a little choo choo train. I don't know why I just used that as the best-fitting analogy. It just works.

I'm somehow missing my family a lot lately and I don't quite know why.

AP Euro is for badasses only.

I've been meaning to write a lot of different posts lately but I haven't gotten the chance to come around to them yet. I apologize.

Hmm. I'm not quite sure what else needs filling in.

I've been pretty tired as of late for no reason in particular.

I seem to be rambling so I think I should stop now.

Yeah.

Things are strangely okay. It's weird. I feel like I'm supposed to be more stressed out than I am. I'm not sure what to make of it.

I'll let you know if anything else cool happens :)

Hasta la proxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Too Much On My Mind

So I've kind of had a lot going on. To be honest, that sounds like a bullshit statement considering everyone's got a ton of stuff to deal with all the time. But that's how it is.

I don't even really know where to begin... I know I've made a few posts here and there throughout the summer but I haven't exactly kept you updated on anything recently. My bad.

I guess you could say this summer's been somewhat eventful. Mainly towards the beginning and the end—the middle was full of a whole lotta nothing. As some of you may or may not know, I spent the first two weeks of summer in Ireland and then in England pursuing a handful of awesome adventures. When I came back to RI, I stayed with Claire Bear for a bit before spending a blissful three days with CJS (we picked strawberries, if you must know.) Soon though, it was time to go home. And that was all right, I guess. I'm just not necessarily the biggest fan of home. Which is okay.

Then, like I said, I spent my days doing a whole lot of nothing, which involved binge watching Fresh Prince, That 70's Show, Stranger Things, Modern Family, and Gilmore Girls. 10/10 would recommend all of those shows. After that, my mom thought I needed something to put on a college application cuz apparently I couldn't tell them that I'd been fervently studying large amounts of cinematography, so to speak.

Instead, I got my first job. Or active, unpaid volunteering, I guess you could call it. Now, I'm not trying to sound like one of those snobby rich kids who've never worked a day in their lives and the second they do, it's hell. That's not what this is about. I actually happened to love my job. I spent almost a month teaching theatre games to young Haitian girls in the Dominican countryside. Granted, some days were long and hot and tiring and full of mosquitos, but other days were full of ceiling fans, strong repellent, hugs and smiles. I actually think I'm gonna be going back next year. The girls did grow on me.

After my last day of work, I hopped on a plane and made my way to fuckin' middle-of-nowhere Minnesota. I cannot tell you how lovely it is there. Quality people. Truly.

I wasn't just there for kicks, however. This would be the first stop of many throughout a whole week of college tours with my dad. It was long. Like really long. We drove 12 hours at a time when we needed to. The drive from Iowa to Ohio takes years, I'm telling you. Not only were we visiting, but I had scheduled tours, info sessions and interviews at each school. Talk about exhausting. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond privileged and happy I got to see some of the schools of my dreams, but it was still a hassle. Despite all that, I am really glad I got to spend all that time with Papi. He just gets me. He really, truly does.

He's just started grad school in NY, so we moved him into his apartment at the end of the week and I got to much on clementines and frozen burritos for a solid three days. After that, I got dropped off at my godmother's with YD while we waited for him to get settled into college (this was where the whole biking fiasco took place). Before I knew it, Conor got up wicked early to come pick me up.

There was a bit of stress surrounding the topic of where I would be staying, but it all technically worked out in the end. Besides, I was just happy to see my favorite person after a long three months :) Getting back to the Abbey though... Boy, was that an experience.

Not to sound morbid, but it was like walking over a dead corpse. Even though I was with Conor, the place was as empty as a graveyard. I knew none of my best friends would be there. They'd be off enjoying themselves at college. I'm the only one left. I'd been dreading this day since the moment I made friends with all of them during my freshman year. I knew one day I'd be the only one left. It's a really lonely thought, if you think about it.

Also, I'm not trying to throw myself a pity party here. I'm not. I'm just telling you what it feels like, so please spare me the "It will get better" spiel, no matter how good your intentions are. I know you're right. I know I'll make more friends soon. Right now it's just scary and it sucks. A lot. Sure, I have CJS and sure, I've got a couple underclassmen peeps but they don't compare to you guys, and no offense, Conor, love, but I can't exactly spend all year with my boyfriend. It doesn't exactly work that way, no matter how much I love you. I just wanna skip to the part where I'm not lonely and everything feels okay again.

Being on campus also brought up a lot of feelings I hadn't had to deal with until I got there. The recent death of our good friend Luc had felt nonexistent until now. Every single one of my friends got to attend his memorial service and they all told me about how rough but how beautiful it was. And no matter how many times they tell me I was there in spirit, it's honestly not the same. It's just not. I know I didn't know Luc as well as a lot of people. If anything, I feel like I don't even deserve to be sad because I can't even begin to comprehend the pain his closest friends and family are going through. But I get attached to people. It's just what I do. And I know he only had a legitimate conversation with me a handful of times but goddamn does it hurt to know his kindness and smiles and goofiness have just up and vanished from the earth. And I wasn't even a part of the goodbye. I didn't have anyone to lean on when it happened. I didn't have a memorial service for closure. I only got a week full of tragic Facebook posts and tearful Instagrams. That was it. It felt unfair.

But alas, life is unfair, so be it.

Despite the whirlpool of emotions I was going through, I still got to have a ton of fun with CJS. We watched a ton of movies like Sing Street, Bottle Rocket, Gone Girl, McFarland, and What's Eating Gilbert Grape (Also 10/10 would recommend.) We played Scrabble and went for walks and made smoothies and finally went out on our first official dinner date even though we've been together for almost a year and a half but it's fine I'm super not salty about it. I'm just kidding, babe ;) We also napped and chilled out on a hammock and attempted slacklining where I got a super badass cut on my thigh (which still stings, btw -_-). And we ate his favorite foods because his mom is just great and we went on long nighttime drives with ice cream and we went nighttime exploring down by the bay and watched a potential rescue mission occur. It was kind of super scary, to be honest. Anyhow, we got to do some pretty fun stuff and I am beyond grateful to his whole family for letting me stay, even if only for a while. Even though it was super fun, I'm still off my meds which means I've been a bit wired as of late and wires cause electrical damage which means I had quite a few meltdowns. And for that, I must thank Conor for all his infinite patience. Thank you thank you thank you I love you.

Today, we left at 6am so he could drop me off back at my godmother's. He has preseason so that's why I'm back here. It kind of sucks. Just a little bit. But I have to get some sort of motivation to start and finish Julius Caesar so...

Move in day is in basically a week and I am not mentally, emotionally or physically prepared for that yet. My dad is dropping me off and saying goodbye to him is never ever ever ever ever a good time. Too many tears involved. It gets messy. And again, the whole lonely empty hollow feeling. Not seeing my best friends is gonna highkey suck. A lot. Ugh. It's a lot to deal with in a very short amount of time. I'm just hoping I get used to it sooner than later.

Oh, also auditions for The Diary of Anne Frank are on Monday. I forget if I ever mentioned that that's gonna be our Fall Play... Either way, now you know. Not gonna lie, that is something I am very much looking forward to. I've begged Bray-Bray for years to give me a dramatic show. And now we've got one. God bless.

Let's see, let's see... What else?

Hmm.

Well.

College is stressful. It's fun and exciting as fuck but it's also stressful. I'm having a lot of self-doubt issues as of late but it's whatever.

Divorce and separation is super confusing. Especially when you're one of the older siblings. Especially when you're all still living under the same roof. It's just hard, that's all. They say it gets easier but I'm still waiting for that day to come.

I miss my dog, Suki. Like a lot.

I kind of can't wait for senior year. But I'm also scared outta my mind. The concept of being a senior is just crazy to me. It really is. I just remember being a freshman thinking that my time would never come. And yet here it is, served to me on a silver platter and I have no idea what the fuck to do with it. I guess no one really does.

I always sorta pictured seniors as having their shit together but now that I am one, I can see almost how much more frightened they are than the freshman. Sure, freshman have got to deal with a whole lotta new stuff being thrown their way and they're itty bitty babies but like... Seniors are just as, if not more scared because we literally have to spend the entire year counting down our lasts. After spending four years in a place, no matter how much you hate it, you grow attached. We're forced to forge our own path into the future even if we have no idea how to do it and that in itself is super exciting but also really really fucked. The system is just fucked.

Either way, I've got a lot ahead of me in the upcoming weeks. If I remember to write, I will. Please don't let me forget. You're the only escape I have.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: My half birthday is tomorrow. 6 more months til the grand One Seven.

Out with the Old, In with the New

I feel like I probably should've written sooner but who knew I'd be busy and bustling about all week?

I sure didn't.

Well, last time I left off, I had two exams left. Needless to say, they pretty much sucked but they're over now so that is that. I boarded a plane and flew home to bright, beautiful, sunny, hot, humid, suffocating, chaotic DR. I have a lot of mixed feelings about this place.

I then went on to babysit a bunch of fifth graders at my lil bro's school all nighter camp out, went three consecutive nights without sleeping a wink, ate some of Abuelo's incredible food, cuddled my peanut-rat Suki, watched a couple movies here and there, rushed from doctor appointment to doctor appointment, but mostly, I just spent my time working.

Or cleaning out our old apartment, that is. Yeah, we moved.

Well, technically we're still in the process but that's not the point.

The point is I lived at that old house for almost nine years of my life—some of the most life changing moments of my entire existence happened in that house. Some I'll never let go of, others I'd rather forget.

I haven't moved house in what feels like ages ago, so the whole concept is kinda weird to me. Don't get me wrong, it sorta helps that I'm not even present most of the time since I'm away at boarding school for nine months of the year. But the house I come home to won't be the same one I was used to.

Our new apartment is about half the size of the last one, cozy, quaint, but more than comfortable. YD joked that it resembled more of a hotel than a house. I will admit, it doesn't quite feel like home yet. Granted, we've only lived here for about a week but nothing can replace nine years of memories stashed away in the old apartment three blocks down.

Since my dad's away, most of the packing and moving and arranging has fallen on my mom, and now that YD and I are back, we have to pitch in, as well, so we haven't exactly had a break. But that's okay.

Rummaging through closets and drawers and cabinets and old receipts and stuffed animals and torn clothes and waste baskets and jewelry boxes and book shelves put many things into perspective. The amount of stuff we'd accumulated over the years was astonishing—half of which we didn't need.

This is the first big difference between the old and the new apartment: the old one was bigger, so therefore, we ended up hoarding more than we needed, whereas the new one simply doesn't have the space for all that extra crap, so we were forced to pack only what was explicitly necessary.

At the same time, going through my parents' drawers and book shelves brought me back to memories I had long since forgotten—a Christmas card labeled 2005, a bracelet I made out of macaroni for my Mami when I was in kindergarten, unsharpened pencils from sixth grade, an autographed baseball, several CVS receipts for Advil, orphaned socks, love letters, stories I had written all the way in first grade, a rose that had to have died at least eight years ago, papier-mache hearts with scribbled "I love you"s...

I hadn't even noticed the tears silently making their way down my cheeks as I took a second glance in the mirror. My eyes were red-rimmed and puffy (not a pretty sight in the least, if you ask me). I made sure to erase any trace of sentimentality as I walked into the next room—I couldn't have all these anchors weighing me down.

Each day went on like this, except every day I felt less and less, for better or for worse. Putting books into piles and stacking them away into boxes had become routine and I tried not to think of all the things I was losing. It would be alright, after all.

My birthday came and went. We went to go see Zootopia (highly reccommend, super inspiring), and we meant to go eat at my favorite restaurant but it turns out they were closed. But that's okay.

With the house switch and family things and college just around the corner, I sure have a lot waiting for me in the upcoming months. That comes with a lot of uncertainties.

However, I promise you all and myself that I will try my very best to be tough and to take things one step at a time. Change can be good, right?

Things'll be fine. You'll be fine, Maya. You'll be fine.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Stray Thoughts

I've found that I'm the kind of person who will listen to the same songs over and over and over until I've drilled them so far into my skull that I no longer like listening to them--I only like recalling them and attaching them to a certain memory that will make me smile fondly and then carry on.

..........

My new medication has caused a surprising amount of nosebleeds to occur in the past few weeks. My nose hurts. It feels cracked. So does my spine. Probably from sleeping on airplanes and benches so much.

..........

I realized how bad of an actress I am today. And before you say anything, no--I am not trying to throw myself a pity party. Auditions for the Spring Play were today. We're doing Ken Ludwig's Midsummer Jersey which is a play off of Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream and Jersey Shore. A lovely clash of colors, in case you were wondering. Having never heard a Jersey accent before in my entire life, I was slightly freaking out about whether we were meant to do accents or not. I opted not to--too afraid to make a fool out of myself. Then I got mad at myself. 

To be a truly good actor or actress, one is either comfortable enough in themselves to be able to make a fool out of themselves and not care (that's what 90% of theatre is, anyway) or they are comfortable enough in playing people other than themselves that they can hardly tell the difference. Today I realized that I am neither.

I'm certainly not confident in myself physically, romantically, intellectually, or even socially. I know for a fact that most people aren't--even those who play it off like they are--but I can't even muster up the courage to pretend.

I was disappointed today.

..........

Over break I read Mitch Albom's The FIve People You Meet In Heaven. I highly recommend it. Quick read. Great lesson.

..........

It's only the first day back from break and I think my hand is already breaking out in hives from anxiety. What else could it be, heat rash? I highly doubt it.

..........

I'm trying very, very super hard to be better. At everything. School. Acting. Singing. Writing. Being a friend. Being a sister. Being a daughter. Being kind. Being courageous. Being faithful. Being supportive. Being caring. Protecting myself. Protecting others. Being stronger. I'm trying. I am.

..........

Things around here have been sorta outta whack for a number of reasons but for now, I'm gonna blame it all on auditions even though it kinda has nothing to do with that.

..........

I looked out the window in the car on my way back to the Abbey and looked at the sky. I mean really looked at it. And God, the colors were so beautiful. I swear, it's like someone loved water coloring so much they decided to splatter the sky.

..........

I've only had two full meals in the past 48 hours and I hate myself for it. Not entirely my fault, though.

..........

I'm homesick already. I miss everyone here, but I wanna go back. I miss my bed.

..........

I have high hopes for this term and yet I'm terrified beyond my mind. So many things are up in the air right now and I just have to kinda frolic along like nobody's business.

..........

I've been trying to get around to doing meditation. Good for the soul, I guess.

..........

I just realized the song I said I'd finish by now isn't finished.

..........

Everyone's talking about prom already and it makes me feel like I'm swimming ten feet under.

..........

I don't know what my plans are for Easter break, which is next weekend by the way, and that sort of scares me.

..........

I learned that being isolated for a certain period of time does things to you. Like love people more.

..........

I really love hugs. I don't really know how to explain how much. The best ones are the ones that come out of nowhere--the ones that surprise you and the ones you didn't expect. Those are the best. Make you feel important.

..........

My heart goes out to all who are having a rough time right now. Whether it's the teensiest little thing or something colossal weighing on their shoulders. I'm sorry. I wish I could help. I love you.

..........

Last time I was at the Abbey, it was buried in snow. Now it's not. And that's weird.

..........

The longer I look at my face in the mirror when I brush my teeth, the more I look like a hamster.

..........

Max is back. Thank the Lord.

..........

I wish I knew the answers to everything. I wish there was some secret wisdom that made everything better.

..........

My most faithful companion has been dear old Mr. Bunny. We've been a great team. 13 years and counting.

..........

Home smells like heat. Rain. Old Spice. Chanel perfume. Food in the kitchen. Colgate. Dirty dogs. Laundry detergent. Chlorine. Spilled mango juice. Avocados. 

It looks like dirty socks. Messy rooms. A cramped kitchen without an island. A bathroom with pink curtains. A multicolored lamp. Legos. A broken X Box. Stuffed animals. Forgotten books. Paper. Cold floors. Sweaty pajamas. CD's from the 70's.

It feels like hugs. Forehead kisses. Squishy flip flops. Hot showers. Mosquito bites. Keyboards. Pencils and paper. Dish soap. Paper napkins. Plastic cups. Ice cubes. Wooden doors. Beach towels. Cotton underwear. Bathing suits. Haircuts. Warm palms.

It sounds like blenders. High heel clicks. Bare feet scraping the ground. Venders in the streets. Phone calls. Alarm clocks. A bicycle I never learned how to ride. 

..........

No one is an island.

..........

I forgot to pack most of my underwear.

..........

I'm trying to be who I want to be and who I know I can be if I try hard enough. It's a work in progress.

..........

I'm not trying to make everything sound depressing. My break was amazing, I'll have you know. There will probably be another post about it sometime soon.

Thank you for listening.

Much love, now and forever xoxo

Maya

Hiya Goobers

I'm supposed to be studying for Geometry right now, but my brain is in denial so I decided to get my mind off of things for a while.

Currently, my earbuds are blasting Beyonce's Love on Top. I think the first time Fonts ever spoke to me was while he heard me singing it in the stairwell. Oh, memories... :)

Anywho, big things are in store for the next few weeks.

First and foremost, exams have been the actual death of me. I managed to cry only three times (that's a record compared to the usual five hundred). My last exam is tomorrow so yayyyyyyy!

Second of all, part of the crew has some big plans for the next week or so... :) Those of you who actually know me know what I'm talking about haha. It's gonna be amazinggggg!!!

Third of all, more exciting news that I've probably already shoved down your throats for months in advance: IT'S MY MOTHERFLIPPING BIRTHDAY ON FRIDAY HOLY FUCK

I am so super excited in case you haven't noticed :)

I promise I'll try and write as much as I can over break because it'll be the first extended period of free time I'll have had in a while haha

Speaking of which, by the time I go home, it will have been six months since I was last there. I am so ready to go back.

Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and my teachers and school (occasionally :P) but I just really need to go home for a while. I miss it.

I miss my very purple room. I miss my dog. God, I miss Suki. I miss my little munchkin of a brother, Javi. I miss Mami and Papi. I miss home cooked meals. I miss going to the movies. I miss my KEEP OUT sign. I miss the heat. I miss the geckos and lizards and ants and birds and stray cats and butterflies and hurricane season. I miss the smell of rain in the morning and the AC in my room. I miss lady bugs and palm trees. I miss mango and pineapple and guava and passion fruit. I miss avocado sandwiches and merengue and paella and bachata and salsa and neighbors that will party till 4am. I miss Take Out Thursday and doing the dishes. I miss going on Youtube sprees with YD. I miss sleeping in and not caring. I miss my bed. I miss eating food on our marble floor. I miss washing the dirt off my feet after playing barefoot soccer outside. I miss hearing the street venders sing their songs. I miss grocery shopping with my dad. I miss dulce de leche. I miss Abuelo's batidas. I miss opening my fridge and not caring what I eat. I miss experimenting in the kitchen. I miss reggueton and dancing. I miss the art. I miss the music. I miss the language. It's definitely time to go home.

I love you all so so much and to those of you I don't see, I'll miss you :(

I hope you all have a lovely, fantabulous break, guys.

Hasta la proxima!

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: To anyone who's been super helpful in the last couple of days, THANK YOU.

Keeping You In The Loop

Hiya lovely creatures!

I will admit, a lot's been going on lately---quite sorry for the angsty, typical teenager posts as of late---but I thought I might as well let you in on the short version of what's been up.

Okay, fine, you got me--I know this won't be short--but let's just pretend for a sec, shall we?

Also, Claire, I sincerely apologize for sorta copying your latest post idea...Teehee :)

Without further ado:

1. Coming back to school after the end of break was harder than I thought. I had to pretend like it didn't hurt when Javier waved goodbye. Next time I see you, buddy, you'll be double digits. You just wait.
2. A blurry week came and went, full of stress, panic attacks and sleep deprivation.
3. Fonts went back to college.
4. Next came C's dandy 17th birthday where the entire cast of Ghost managed to plug through a 4 hour dance rehearsal, making a toast with some cupcakes before Mr. Kerr blasted EON's "Seventeen". We all sang along, of course. Later that night, Eric, Brandt, Tiernan, Claire, and I headed to Casa del Kerr to watch The Interview and to drink milkshakes in their awesome possum basement (Fonts also joined somewhere in the mix haha).
5. Soon after came Gibb's 18th birthday. Dude, you're getting freaking old. Not okay. (As of right now, it's been three days since your birthday and I'm still working on your present. I'm so sorry, but you'll thank me later <3)
6. Max sent me a text about shooting stars.
7. Maeve dropped by a couple of times and they were very much needed visits because I super duper freaking missed her.
8. Caellum's birthday present finally came in (waaaay after his birthday but shh) and his look of panic will forever be cherished in my memory as he unwrapped the paper. I gave him a stuffed animal goat. His name is Frank.
9. Semi. That happened. In fact, many things happened, but we don't need to go there. Let's just cut to the part where I say thanks to Olivia for making me feel like a princess and thank you Rory for dancing with me even if it made you uncomfortable and thank you Maeve for showing up unexpectedly and thank you Sawyer for calming me down after anxiety happened and thank you Kai for dancing and making me have an awesome time and thank you Claire for jamming with me as promised and thank you Brandt for the pictures and Patrick for being my sassy gay bartender for the night and Sophia for looking like a goddess and Tom for showing up looking all spiff and dapper and Dan for having had the pleasure to make your acquaintance. You all looked lovely.
10. School's been surprisingly average--meaning gross, but still. Could be worse.
11. Today's been a pretty rockin fantastic day overall. Sure I was sleep deprived and sure I fell asleep in Geometry... and Humanities... and Chemistry... but besides that, Enharmonix rehearsal tonight really took off. I am so proud of each and every one of you. Thank you for letting me share your time and talent. Brandt, Sawyer and Claire helped T, Gibb, Mr. Kerr, Mr. Brett, and I to set up the stage whilst jamming to Uptown Funk. God, what a jam. And just as we finished a very productive rehearsal, Mr. Kerr blasted it again so we could strike the mics and goodness, I haven't had such a fun time in a while... Though simple, it's moments like that that stay forever embedded inside the nicer side of my memories.
12. Berklee is next Saturday and every time I think about it, the more I wanna cry.

Fun funnn. So that's the vague wrap up of what's been going on :)

Hope you all had awesome possum days because you totally deserve it xoxo

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya