Turkey Day List #1

Hello, my dudes. I hope you all had a fabulous Thanksgiving (if you celebrate that type of thing) and I hope you can forgive me for not posting this three days ago—I was busy making some DELICIOUS banana bread muffins for my fam. Also, I was wine drunk so you can imagine...

Anyhow, here goes the age-old list you've all been waiting for:

Technology: You allow me to connect with those I'd otherwise have no means of reaching. Thank you.

Banana Bread Muffins: When the rest of the world was sour, you were sweet.

Wimpfheimer: You reignited my love for working with children and I am so lucky to work at such a beautiful place.

Saoirse the Succulent: My beautiful, darling girl. I'm sorry the windowsill gets so cold at night. I wish I could warm you up and keep you happy all the time.

Poe the Printer: The goodest boi there ever was. Our little hardworking man. Jessica and I are so proud of you, buddy.

Everest, Hobbes, Charlotte, Muffins, and Nox: Welcome to the club.

Jessica's supercool Fancy Lamp: I would have been knocked dead in the dark of night if it weren't for you. Plus, you're just kinda all around rad. Couldn't have asked for a better room lamp.

Raymond House: All Hail the Rat King.

Hallway 3 Cen: Thanks for putting up with drunken laughter and a cappella sing-ins and Halloween eggings. You're the real MVPs.

Beats Suite: My home away from 317. I am so glad I became an official suitemate. As stated on the wall of rules. It's a thing now.

Disney+: Where have you been my whole entire life? Every single episode of Suite Life? Yes, please.

The Deece's Late Night Corndogs: Truly, I am convinced you're injected with hallucinogens or some other weird shit. Why else would Jessica and I lose our fucking minds so frequently?

The Library's 24 hour Section: Bro, you've seen some shit. Let's keep that between ourselves, shall we?

Baldwin: Horrific as you are at times, you've helped me through days I didn't think I could step out of bed, so thank you. Really.

Express: For feeding me speedily when I would otherwise have skipped a meal.

Drama 102: Odd and strange and wack and awkward and uncomfortable and wild as this class gets, I'm really thankful for the journey and the creative mind it has made out of me.

Dynamic Women: All the snaps. Too many snaps. This class slaps.

Conditioning Class: Tough as this semester has been, it always felt great to sweat and melt the stress away.

Pell Grants: Thanks for helping ya girl out.

Zoloft: Ditto.

Laser pointers: For providing endless entertainment to my two little monsters. You are a blessing.

All 10 Seasons of Friends: My god, the headaches I endured for you... Were you worth it? Probably not, but you made me pretty damn content most of the time and for that, I can appreciate you.

Potterless Podcast: My one daily indulgence that never fails to make me laugh. If y'all enjoy dumb HP trivia and puns as much as I do, go check it out.

His Dark Materials: I have a new addiction?

Euphoria: Zendaya and Hunter—you have my whole entire heart.

Pinterest: For housing all future hopes and dreams.

Lin's Gmorning, Gnight: You pulled me out of the scariest 24 hours of my life (with the help of my precious Linnea) and brought comfort when I didn't think there was any left in the world. Thank you.

Midnight walks through the Fog: You know why.

I know holidays can be tough but hey! You made it past this one alive! I'm so proud of you!

Stay oh-so-super-warm and accept my love in the chilly days to come.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

My Extremely Riveting Life

Hi hi hi

So it's been a hot second since I last posted (was somewhat in a post-show depressive funk, as one does) but I just thought I'd ease your wild concerns and let you know that I've actually had some pretty cool things happen since the show ended.

I mean, their happening didn't really have anything to do with the show ending it just sorta coincided that way and just... Anyway.

I managed to read two entire horrifically depressing yet mildly uplifting books: My Heart & Other Black Holes as well as Beautiful Broken Things. In all honesty I preferred the latter. Felt a bit more realistic and was more about the complexities of teenaged friendship I guess? Good stuff.

I got to meet my uncle Joel's dogs and bring them to the dog park!!!

Also also also I managed to develop an extremely huge crush and have it squashed in three seconds flat so like that was super fun. It's okay though. I mean, I think it will be. I hope it will be. I still want us to be friends.

I got to spend time with my Newsies #yamily at a super yummy food place called Novelty Eats in the Bronx and also at our dear Matt's script reading for his new play. It was shockingly beautiful and truly something else.

Oh also I got to see Hadestown on Broadway with my dad as a joint birthday present for the two of us but that's something that I might need to reserve for a whole other post...

I finally got around to watching Christopher Robin because it happened to be on Netflix and I was not at all disappointed.

Got my first sunburn of the year over something really stupid.

Buying tickets for Avengers: Endgame was essential. We're watching it on Monday. Until then, zero spoilers or I will murder you.

I got to dogsit overnight at someone's apartment and it was such a cool experience. Shea the dog is such a fuckin cutie. I also get to dogwalk for this oldie Puggle named Chloe. Three times a week. It's a dream.

Other than that, I've really just been going to babysitting interviews (some involving some deeply overprotective and micromanaging parents...) and catching up on some annoying college financial aid stuff. The usual.

I think next week, me and my dad may attempt to go see my friend Ottavio's Seussical at his high school. He claims it's gonna be a disaster and a half, I think it's gonna be entertaining as hell. What can ya do.

OH! I ALMOST FORGOT!

I CHANGED MY FIRST EVER TIRE! AND DIAPER! BUT THE TIRE PART IS MORE IMPORTANT!

Lmao I mean I didn't really change the tire, my dad did, but I think it still counts. I helped elevate the car with the weird lever thingy and loosened the bolt things and held the new tire in place and tightened the other bolts and lowered the car again, etc. No big deal :)

Cool cool cool so that's been my update of the day.

Jesus, it's almost 2am. I seriously do not know how I keep doing this.

Anyhow, I love you all to pieces and I hope you get a daily dose of sunshine, metaphorical or not ;)

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Time Capsule

Hello hi all.

I was attempting to write an actual blogpost for this (and I promise it is coming... eventually) but realized it is far too late and I am way too under-caffeinated so I'm resorting to slightly-very-cringey-at-best post. In short, I dug up some old writing pieces from twelve year old Maya, as in, weirdly religious, uncontrollably emo yet optimistic, using words I didn't really know the meaning of Maya. Sure she had some insight about quite adult-y things back then but she also very well may have been tripping off lack of melatonin production.

(Just for reference, most of these were written the summer I was away at Phillips Andover for weird artsy prep-school summer camp. Hence the odd prompts and shit. Carry on.)

Anyway. Here goes.

..........

"We carry around our own exits"

         We are the ones who decide how we finish. We make the best out of life, out of our opportunities, and how we decide to behave is what is going to be remembered. We make our own marks on this earth. I believe that we should all try our best, even when we fail; at least we worked hard enough to say that we put effort into whatever we did. From the day we are born, we carry around our ending, and we just have to find it. Our purpose of living isn't just trying to find our end, but enjoying the journey along the way. We are born, and we travel this long journey that leads us closer and closer to our end, but sometimes we just need to be reminded that it will all be worthwhile if we make it that way."We carry around our own exits,"... Yeah, that sounds about right.

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

For whom do we express ourselves if not for ourselves?

   I usually ask myself the same question whenever I am about to make a decision: “Am I truly doing this for me, or am I trying to act like someone other than myself?”

   My parents have raised me to be my own person; they said it was okay to think and act differently, so long as I made smart choices.

   I always try my best to be confident in my own choices of thought and my own choices of action. I try my best not to let anyone tell me how I should live my life, or express myself.

   Everyone has their own moments of insecurity, when they try to be someone they’re not, or otherwise, they are pressured to. Of course, I’ve experienced those times when I just tried to fit in, where I’ve acted a little differently for the sake of people liking me, but I’m trying really hard to break that habit little by little.

   In conclusion, I am successfully trying harder every day to let loose and just be myself, no matter what people say. I am who I am; I was born that way.

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

...Last Glances...

Have you ever felt the urge to look at that person one last time, but you didn’t, and that one decision haunted you the rest of your life? Well, that disgusting feeling has touched me more than once, and it’s scary to move on and look ahead when I think about it. You’re unsure; you feel cheated, that it might’ve been necessary to take a last glance, but your foolish mind blindly ignored your first instinct.

   First deaths always hurt the most. Especially when you knew that person. Especially when you were close to that person. And then you try convincing your brain that it’s not true, and your whole body goes in denial. Then it starts going numb, and when you’re numb, you’re not supposed to feel the pain, but it hurts more than it ever has before. And you try hiding it, and you try getting over it, and you try to remember his face, and you try to remember the last time he smiled at you… Then it all seems real and it all feels gone, like all those moments spent with him were wasted, and then you feel guilty for not looking one last time, just so you could remember those smiling eyes, and messy, black hair, and goofy laugh. Just one last time… And then the feeling clings to you forever.  

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

Where I’m going...

   Where I’m going, it’s full of hills; grasslands cover all that is seen. Hills over hills, meadows over meadows; it all seems pretty endless. At dawn, the sky is a pale pink; rays of purple and orange seem to burst from the heavens, kissing the soft earth on the horizon. Sheep start to graze lazily as the big, bright sun illuminates the land around them. There, I can run free, not a care in the world, just wandering and admiring God’s creation. At noon, I’ll retreat to the nearby woods, dreaming underneath its shadows. I’ll speak with the squirrels, sing with the birds, care for the deer, and keep the trees company. Where I’m going, the dawn simply lulls into dusk, and the days seem blissfully endless. There’s no need for sleep, for my sleeping days will be over, so I’ll take my time and wander. A young fawn will keep me company as I count the stars in the sky, telling the youngling stories of my adventurous days. The fawn will go to sleep and the night owl will whisper its call, and I know it’s time to wake up. Though now, it’s a dream, I know I will get there; someday, I promise I will. My days will pass by, but it’ll all be worth it, for in the end, I’ll have eternal peace.

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

“The self is made manifest in the opposites and in the conflict between them. It is a coincidentia oppositorum (coincidence of opposites). Hence, the way to the self begins with conflict.”

-Carl Jung

What I interpret from this passage is that we create ourselves and improve ourselves through conflict. As crazy as that sounds, it is usually true in lots of cases, where the argument between two opposites brings them together. We see that mostly in family relationships. The conflict, when confronted, can clear out just what was needed to be said. This would explain coincidentia oppositorum.

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

Grieving and Regrets

Cemeteries are full of memory and regret.

The headstones engraved with meaningless words;

The empty silence that reminds me of my loss;

The battered land that be crossed again and again.

Survivor’s guilt burns to the surface of my skin,

As I sit and rue for hours on end;

Hearing the humming songs in my head,

Swallowing my tears, for he’s not dead.

I turn around and almost swear that it’s him;

At least, I wish, oh! I wish it were him.

But it’s my old,

Sad shadow there, instead.

I faintly hear whispering words,

Hurtful words; Painful words.

I wish I could sew down my ears,

To save myself from this raging guilt.

Getting ready to leave is the hardest part;

Sometimes I wish I were dead so

I didn’t have to leave him.

Cemeteries are full of memory and regret.

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

“A necessary end...” -Saltillo

   I race along the path of unknown as I swerve through the towering trees that try to manipulate me ~

I don’t let them. I cross many rivers, past mountains, past forests, hearing the echoes of the eery tree nymphs. I am running away, but I’m not sure from what. As I run into the unknown, horrifying memories of my past flash through my eyes. The intimidating trees offer no comfort as I weep. Proceeding along the path, I get distracted by the luring, angelic voices of the nymphs. I turn every corner, but there is no escape. The white voices surge through my brain. Full of frustration, I bound my way back through the remaining obstacles. The trees are clearing and the voices, fading. At last, I have reached the end of the path, and gratefully, I welcome my end.

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those

who could not hear the music." 

-- Friedrich Nietzsche 

  And those who were classified as “different” were bullied by those who envied such personalities. And those who sang and spoke “to themselves” were thought to be mentally insane by those who could not hear the spirits. And those who loved with a love unlike any other were threatened and called “gay”. 

  This particular quote makes me reflect on many things, and think about many relating situations. This particular statement makes us question the society we live in. Is it truly that bad to be our own person? Why are we questioned about our own choices that we make in our own lives? I strongly believe that we are who we are, and no one is in a place to judge. 

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

Threshold- Joseph Campbell

  If I had been moved a moment too late, my life wouldn’t be as it is now; I would feel like my life was pointless ~ no purpose to my living.

   I was a mere nine years old when I was touched by a song, a song that would be the beginning of a whole new way of thinking. The speaker was a seven year old girl, who had recently had visions of the upcoming World War II; her innocence completely shattered. The tears that rolled down my cheeks by the end of the song were caused by the powerfulness of the words; the great emotion from the lyrics. I was quite naive at the time and didn’t understand war very much, but after hearing the song ~ interpreting it ~ I was changed.

    ...children...hurting...crying...needing...begging for someone to reach out and save them!

   All I could do was weep for those children who never got the chance to be kids; who were born into a world of conflict and danger. I had become extremely sensitive to war topics after that. Barely two years later, I had to read a book for school called: The Hiding Place. It was a personal experience about the Holocaust. I read that book page through page; I felt the fear and terror build up inside of me ~ and then I found what was missing in my mind: the amazing power of faith in God. 

   As long as the author and her family prayed to God for the forgiveness of “those poor men (soldiers who tortured them) who don’t know what they’re doing”, her family was always saved from the frightful beatings to come. This book literally changed my life. I am grateful for absolutely everything I am given and my life feels like it has a purpose now, even if I don’t know what it is yet, but God made me for a reason, and I’m sure I’ll find out someday.

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

Holy fucking shit, that was a trip and a half. I hope that wasn't nearly as uncomfortable for you as it was for me. Seriously, why was I obsessed with aligning in mismatched formats??? for like? paragraphs???? Who knows. None of us may ever know.

I hope your day/night/hibernation is going splendidly! I love and miss you all.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya 

Omniscient

Hello lovelies. Those of you who know me have known for quite some time that I keep a list of quotes on me always. You say some funny shit—I write it down. That's how that works.

Now, I will say I planned on waiting 'til the end of my senior year to post this, but I'm a tad bit impatient and I've already waited a good, long two and a half years so now's as good a time as ever. Another thing I should probably mention is a lot of these won't make sense unless you know the person saying it. Since it's impossible to expect all my readers to know each other, I've decided to exclude names from this post. That reason and also just so no one gets accidentally offended or in trouble :)

Look at me being all responsible.

Last disclaimer before I let you loose: some of these were said by me, others (possibly and most probably the more offensive ones) were said by my dearest friends and companions, so if you are easily offended, I suggest you leave now.

If you are easily amused, by all means, stay. Stay a while and see how long it takes before confusion consumes you :)

Onwards.

..........

"Love is when you care for someone even though they suck."

"Good for you, Maya. It takes balls to be hated that much."

"Baby steps but NO BABIES!!!"

"What kind of a name is Allcock? That's like saying my last name is Allpussy!"

"They hate us cuz they ain't us."
"They hate us cuz they butthole?"

"In a world filled with darkness, disco is the light."

"Sozanski, what is the number one difference between you and successful people? Your hair."

"Listen, Sozanski, your hair has to GLISTEN! Everyone knows redheads have more fun."

"Stupid ass gurl, if I wanted some milk I woulda gone to the kitchen!"

"I love you with my entire soup."

"Duck is literally just dirty chicken."

"I don't think they actually thought I was dead..."

"Yeah Anny, get with the lesbian fucking times."

"Look at the people, they hide in plane sight, u gotta find the overalls through the over-somes."

"Wow I wish people cheered for me just for existing."

"Sozanski, you're not a squirrel!!"

"I can find my own porn!"

"Anny, I'm warning you right now, if I hear your voice one more time, I'm kicking you out of this dorm and my life."

"Bite me."
"Nah, you probs taste like tree bark."

"You can't half ass that, you gotta full ass that."

"I know, but who the fuck cares what I think? I always think I'm the shit."

"Everybody's got a dick...in here."
*points to heart*

"There needs to be more jiggle."

"Change my watuh muthafucka."

"MY UTERUS IS BEING A DICK."

"Don't like grope the heart."

"She looks like the green goblin."
"Except she's black."

"I talk a lot but I don't really like to."

"Go back to white man land. Jesus."

"When I lived there, I lived there a lot."

"Pocketful of pocketful of pocketful of lint."

"Here I am, a common European stew with extra potato."

"I'm a hater because I'm cranky and old."

"I sound ignorant."
"You are ignorant."

"Because Conor's a dramatic bitch, that's why."

"I just don't want deer to jump out, it's just like stay the fuck home."

"Conclusion: peanuts are just edible kangaroos."

"She's from Ohio!! That's not even south!!!"

"I kinda wanna be a rock. But like a pretty one."

"We're gonna be run over by muskrats ugh."

"That's a big ass valley."

"Seriously, what is this UFO business? We're in the middle of Ohio like what are you doing here?"

"If it's not cute, it doesn't matter."

"YEAH YOU DRINK THAT ORANGE JUICE... FUCKING SLUT!"

"Why would you ever wanna live somewhere that rhymes with loin?"

"Because it's a meme! Memes are forever."

"Who drinks vodka casually???"

"I don't have back sweat!"

"Did you know there's ice cream for dogs?"
"Yeah, it's called your ass."

"I'M TELLING YOU--WU WEI IS THE WAY TO GO!"

"I cleaned my earhole out."

"My favorite part of the day is when Papi gives up."

"MAYA NO! No passive aggressive life hating!"

"Then you've gotta be the best poop you can be."

"That's why we need Drake, to split up Kansas."

"Just because you have an earring and a girlfriend doesn't make you the alpha."

"He looks like the messed up face of John Travolta."

"The Godfather took place in where?"
"In the DR."
"You haven't even seen that movie."

"Maya, there's no yinyang in this bullshit."

"After you live in a castle, everything else is just mildly disappointing."

"THE MOON IS A LIE!"

"Everyday is leg day in the castle."

"Hey, guys, look! It's a rare specimen. Here we have a special snowflake. Hey, hey you, would you like some attention?"

"That bull's just like pissed off at a ROCK."

"Farts are the ghosts of meals past."

"Good luck with your butthole!"

"Waaaagaaaaa mama. Wagamama!!!"

"If you have at least one leg, you are a cat."

"We came, we saw, we puffined."

"Puffins are literally fruit-beaked penguins. They're so cute!"
"They're all extinct."

"Time to dangle our rectums, guys!"

"GET GLUC-ED!"

"Look, Irish cracker eats Irish cracker."

"Look, it's a Gubbeen. Theeeeeenks!"

"Claire, matches are illegal, didn't you know that?"
"Yeah, well, so are you, Maya, but you're still here."

"Everybody knows Hitler loved apples!!"

"I'm not a landfish, guys."

"Nuuuu Michelleee!"

"Don't put my blood on your pasta."

"I hope you're mildly inconvenienced for the rest of your life."

"You're a dumbledweeb."

"Do you want a little applesauce conscience on your shoulder?"

"I will crack your ribs until you die."

"I'm gonna do this til you hurt."

"Believe it or not, I don't need any fox dick."

"Is that Zootopia porn version?"

"Cups are for weenies."

"MY ROOM IS GONNA BE NEXT TO A FIELD OF PONIES!!!"

"What's a mandril?"
"It's a lowkey mammoth."

"I am absolutely fifty shades of not okay."

"What they don't tell you is that Spiderman probably has cancer."

"Glitter is the herpes of the craft world."

"That's one of the few things I'm quite sure about. Your arm will not turn into a dolphin."

"I feel like a coupon book."

"Passing tacks sounds like one of the least fun things you could possibly do."

"I AM THE ULTIMATE CHICKEN NUGGET!"

"Do all mammals give live birth?"
"No, all mammals as opposed to platapu."
"Platapu???"

"The rooster doesn't just like hump the egg."
"No! The rooster doesn't 'do' the egg!"
"So you don't get to pick who your baby daddy is?"

"What if flamingos could drive?"

"Alright I'm gonna do the twist-twist now."
"That sounds like some sort of martial art."

"My name is Caellum Kerr, therefore, asshole."

"So like... No homo man but like... Can I kiss you?"

"You're not just Maya, you're FUCKING Maya!"

"Oh look! Those look like dirty clouds!"

"Meningitis? Why can't it be Womanengitis?"

"Caellum's a salty mama."

"Hockey games are where grown men fight each other."
"Wait, old men find each other??"

"I'M SORRY YOU DONT HAVE A PENIS!"

"Literally, life decisions not on fleek."

"Don't let the turkeys getcha down."

"BUT IT'S SO SCARY AND I HAVE A KNOT THE SIZE OF ECUADOR ON MY SHOULDER."

"We get attached to the weirdest things, Maya: marshmallow robots and founding fathers."

"Why did I read 'campus' as 'cramps'?"
"Well, they're basically the same thing."

"Here, let me pull myself up on iTunes real quick."

"Wait they're all naked?! That's super funny!!!"

"What kind of a name is Gretchen Weiners?"

"WHY THE FUCK DO WOMEN ENDURE ALL THE BULLSHIT IN THIS WORLD?!"

"I will be quiet like a little mole."

"Well if you have a fat wrist then congratu-fucking-lations!"

*white girl voice*
"No friends, same problems. #relatable"

"Welcome to the Portsmouth Abigail, where nothing works and you want to die most of the time."

"It might be my ego and giant superiority complex, but I feel like we're doing a lot better than your other section... Plus Matias is in that section."

*tiny children walk by*
"Oh look, it's your brethren."

"Maya's a Mexican supremacist now. It's like the real south will rise again."

"Biblical sexual is my personal favorite."

"Hannah I'm gonna cry."
"Don't cry, you don't have time."

"STOP THROWING THINGS AT ME."

"I thought it would be a good idea to put my head down for a while and then the entire continent of Asia started playing the piano."

"Who run the world? David."

"Yeah, sure, could I just have a slice of the pink girly gay pirate one?"

*raises hand*
"I can't catch things. There's a reason I do drama..."

"You look like a fish."

"I'm just gonna pretend like my whole life is very together."

"Did you salt your cucumber?"

"...But here's my number, so Call Me--"
"Never."

"...as he tried to throw mayonnaise on my body..."

"Juneau, Alaska, Juneau  Alaska, Juneau  Alaska, Juneau  Alaska, Juneau  Alaska, Juneau  Alaska, Juneau, Alaska, Juneau, Alaska, Juneau, Alaska, Juneau, Alaska."

"Keep the collar up and the haters out."

"She sounds like a man when she coughs."

"Yo pretend my hand is a cookie."

"Javier is very literal, his world is black and white."
"No, it's not. It's full of colors!"

"He's always so lonely when he poops."

"MY THRIFTY BITZ BRINGS ALL THE KITTIES TO THE YARD AND THEY'RE LIKE MM I LIKE THRIFTY BITZ"

"I'd rather be a whore than die."

"....MASTURBATION...."
"Ewww."

"I'm surprised that didn't come out of your ass."

"Maya, I am as single as they come. I am ALWAYS on the menu."

"Go read your dick book."

"You know what happens in Ireland. You go as two, you come back as three."

"My Jesus is better than your Jesus."

"Yo, when I had a pixie cut, I literally looked like I was gonna steal some guy's shoes."

"Dye is for eggs, not people."

"Real platforms have curves."

"When I say Mother you say Theresa. Mother!"
"Theresa!"

"Dean, you can't just monopolize AIDS!"
"Yes, I can, I'm gay!"
"Yeah? Well, I'm African!"

"The struggles of having a big butt: you knock down dinosaurs."

"Can we listen to music?"
"When I speak, it's kinda like music."

"I love to eat dead babies."

"If I ended up writing a script about Spongebob, it would end up being torture porn."

"And then Maggie kicked her in the vagina."

"Do you think I'm a good dancer?"
"Well, you're Spanish and stuff..."

"Wait, THE CAT HAD AIDS?!"

"Did you know that there's an illness that makes you see sound?"
"Yeah, it's called acid."

"I'm not Obama, okay?!"

"We're done looking at women!"

"Kill your inner child!"

"Make it funny!"

"Yo, he's talking to the people having sex on the mat."

"I am Jesus."

"Maya, just TAKE THE CAKE!"

"...and everyone's BITCHING at the pub..."

"And sometimes your Mountain Dew just Mountain Don't."

"So what are we doing today?"
"Uh...well I'm currently inside Alex Barlow so..."

"No, this is like my crack."

"Hey Fonts? Mount and Dew me."

"I don't think I've ever given this note before, but swing your noodle in the fog."

"All day Avery Dey!"

"Urgh the bread just grazed my face."

"And that one... Well that one I guess would be the crotch."

"I'm a little tea pot short and stout, google that shit and call me out."

"I'm having iced-milk."

"Yan Diego, your sausage is falling off the bed!"

"Wait, Steve Jobs died?"
"Ohmygod where have you been?"
"But isn't he rich?"
"Oh, yeah, I forgot rich people don't die."
"Really?!"
"No, Javier, he died."
"Wait, but he's still rich?"

"Aww, look at all those horses!"
"Those are llamas."

"What's the difference between gelato and pistachio?"

"At my school they call it the train and the train hole."

"Now softly caress, now slowly undress--"
"Now clean up your mess."
"Why you gotta make it weird, Dad?"

"No! Don't hug me, I'm still sad!"

"If I were the creator of Apple and I died, I'd just shut it all down so no one could have anything else. If I can't have it, no one else can."

"Don't touch my nose! I have sharp boogers and they hurt!"

"I need to crap so hard !" *cries*

"Mami, can I ask you something? What's the meaning of life? And also, why did the chicken cross the road?"

"I'm a monastery! I don't even know what that means."

"Wanna use old hand sanitizer?"

"What if I use pants that are against their religion?"

"Imagine if this was vegan water!"

"I need to take a shih tzu."

"See? Liv enjoyed the joke!"
"That's because she's on drugs."

"Look! The bees are hibernating!"
"Javier, bees don't hibernate..."
"Oh."

"Suki looks so fat now."
"She's like a mini you!"

"Yeah, they just shrivel up and die. It's beautiful."

"You recorded me snoring? You're officially disowned."

"Maya don't get addicted to advil, if you're going to get addicted to a drug, do a weird one."

"Whoa, that's a lotta llamas."
"Javier, those are sheep."
"What's a sheep?"

"He's such a wet noodle."

"I get sweat mustaches on my eyebrows after P.E."

"Alpacas, llamas, sheep, same thing."

"Sibling compliments aren't compliments unless there are insults involved."

"Being at boarding school is like being pregnant. You're busy for nine months and you get weird cravings and you're always tired and you get mood swings and everything bugs the shit out of you."

"Max is so salty, her tears are all dried up."

"I don't have feelings, I have attitudes."

"But is he really gay? Or is he just southern?"

"Everyone should drop dead."
"YOU should drop dead...but gently."

"Fuck you. Fuck your whole family. For twelve centuries."

"How different would you say are the DNA of a dolphin and like...Jay?"

"Ugly people shouldn't have good names."

"You are not a priest. You cannot put things into my mouth."

"You're like a Canadian goose!"

"All hardcore people have plants."

"Marriage is a good end point, especially when they own a palace."

"So when someone says 'sick bro', they do not mean they are necessarily diseased. In fact they mean that the person is quite awesome."

"Maya, don't take my puns for granite. I'm getting real sedimental."

"He's not God, but like almost."

"That's not dancing, that's having a seizure."

"There is no life, there is only death."

"To be stoned or not to be stoned?"

"I am the asparagi!"

"I feel like you can't say all those things without blushing or going to Hell."

"You guys ready for this? ...Tigger El Dorado."

"Ugly people should just go home."

"Can we have chicken alpaca for dinner?"

"Eww now it's a chap ball."

"Oh my god... WE'RE FRUITS😭"

"I'm a whore and I like books!"

"Don't piss on your work!"

"Let's go back to mating you."

"I need you guys to give me more head!"

"Way way way back when, a cell found this mitochondria and just decided to hang out and was like 'cool, this is chill'."

"I was gonna say... Most of us look like Pater Noster."

"Please have a bad day everyday--that was great!"

"Wait so are you guys gonna sing the Pasta Noster now?"

"I love Canadians!"

"I must die mainly in Canada."

"Paint me like one of your French girls!"

"Well Kevin's drunk."

"Not having a soul is good."

"Voice of an angel, body of a beanstalk."

"No! You're not part of the banter!"

"...so because I'm one morbid motherfucker..."

"But like what if I text him with a British accent?"

"I like to touch my face when I'm in class."

"Okay so I was standing on the couch in the computer room like... Hitting a pumpkin... Because I have a lot of feelings."

"I JUST HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS I PROMISE I'M NEVER LIKE THIS."

"I just feel very noodle-y!"

"I hate talking about breathing because it makes me want to breathe and I hate that."

"Alcohol does not solve any problems, but neither does milk."

"You know Maya? Money can't buy you happiness, but somehow crying in a Mercedes Benz sounds better than crying on the street."

"Thanks five!"
"Who's Clive?"

"That sounds like 'oh yeah, I'm studying fuckin' Aristotle and Vaginies'!"

*drops toothbrush in the sink*
"NOOOOOOOO😭😭😭"

*cries*"What on earth what's wrong, Hannah?"
"I'M GONNA GET EBOLA NOW😭"

"Dang it, my butt is covered in salt!"

"Excuse me while I part the sea."

"BUT NO because they're not supposed to be sweet, they're VEGETABLES! And then it's just like WHAT AM I EATING?!"

"Maya, life is arbitrary. Worst comes to worst, just become a prostitute."

"Prostitution will always be there for you."

"FUCK MY ASS. FUCK THIS ASS."

"I can't do this. I'm looking at cakes in a restaurant from the Baltimore airport. I'm not gonna get a cake from the Baltimore airport because they are very large and I don't need to consume that many calories... I don't think... No... I'm not diabetic."

"My heart hurts. I'm so done."
"That's so sad."
"It's kay, this is normal."

"You're irrelephant."

"I feel like 'you're so cute' has become code for 'you're insane'"

"YOU'RE like a pilot... Of a submarine... that DOESN'T WORK!"

"Oh, I thought you were a man."

"D to the E to the L to the uh... I don't know how to spell delicious..."

"So do you have your license now?"
"Nah, I'll get it in the spring, I'm too tired."

"Speaking of cleaning our skulls, we need to buy more Q-tips."

*points at a broken lamp*
"Oh look that's me some days."

"Hi I'm Taj and this is Ma Hal."

"She's breathing in my eyeball."
"Ahh, I love it when mothers do that."

"You just gotta flick your inner thighs; it'll wake you up a bit."

"Speaking of death, how does sleep sound to you?"

"I was like 'Do I look like I have AIDS?' And they were like 'Yes'."

"Maya, come here or Imma spill lemon juice on you."

"My friend's mother-in-law once knew a guy named Sandy Wieners."
"That's so unfortunate."

"What's Magooch?"

"You're like Bigfoot but small."

"Yan Diego, stop looking at things with your hands."

"I'm giving you makeup cuz you need it."

"I'm talking to this girl whose name is like a tree."
"Wait what was it again?"
"I dunno Bamboo or somethin."

"I blew my nose and margarita came out."

"First I went for your penis, then for your neck."

"What? That's not even a good name! Why didn't you say Jim or something?"

"See I wish I were a senior right now. Actually, just kidding I don't have my life together enough yet."

"Writing section was just an excuse to verbally assault Dom."

"Bread is like pizza that's lost all aspirations in life."

"No, bitch, I sat here before you! I don't care if you're handicapped!"

"How do you feel about buying me a $125,000 pony?"

"So what? I WANT THE BREAKFAST SANDWICH!"

"What do you call a cold puppy sitting on a rabbit?"
"I wanna say hash browns...?"

"Wait but LOOK AT MY CORE oh nope just kidding I fell."

"Do I need to give Conor Smith worksquad for missing your recital?"

"I've made it my mission to coax the Outies out of the closet."

"Do they even celebrate prom in Alaska?"

"...I forgot how to eat a cupcake."

"Hang on, I've got a Eucharist stuck in my throat."

"My phone connection has to stop sucking dick."

"BUT WHERE IS ITS PENIS I DON'T UNDERSTAND😭?!"

"Do chickens even have sex?"

"Fucking number two! That little girl... I was like I will break you with my pinky!"

"Don't be Nemo. I'll kick Nemo's ass."

"Get your quesadilla ass outta here."

"WHY'D YOU KILL ME?!"
"So I could take your money."

"Ew, Javier put your toe back in your sock!"

"Did u throw your phone into the Atlantic fucking ocean and then dog paddle to retrieve it?"

"You have a really saggy neck."

"Snoopy's such a baller."

"Plus my fiancé is a jew. So that's fun."

"Where have you been? I run my own brothel."

"I thought you said 'Is Papa Gino's Chilean?'"

"Alright, you know the hunting sign with the deer and the antlers and stuff? For the longest fucking time I had no idea what it was. I thought it was a dancing man and I'd just be like man, why there so many fucking dancing men everywhere?"

"Claire's a pimp."

"How's the cake, you BITCH?!"

"Our nation may be dying but we're still racist as FUCK!"

"I feel very okay with using all of you for your bodies."

"Shut up I'm not Mongolian! I'm Filipino!"

"He has a WOMBBBB!!!!"

"Shut up, child, I birthed you."

"In the blood tests they always say everything's fine but then I'm like 'okay, bitch, obviously everything is not fine!'"

"Ooo look at me I'm Maya and I'm edgy cuz I dye my hair and rip my tights."

"Max, which is your least favorite limb?"

..........

I honestly have no idea how I got here. I have weird friends/family. Don't judge.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed!

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya 

P.S: It was Papa Kerr's bday today and he is my favorite human ever so he deserves a shoutout. I LOVE YOU!

First Day's Work

Inspired by my very first official day of "work."

..........

First Day's Work

by: Maya Wilson

Stranger danger. Toyota.

Pink blouse. Awkward silence.

Cool music. Panorama.

Motorbikes. Dirt roads.

Creepy stares. Toothy grins.

Introductions. Desk chair.

Bathroom. More stares.

Soccer tournament. Car.

Second stranger danger. Tony.

Ubers. Tomatos. Eggplant.

Medical unit. Ray Bans.

Lay's Potato Chips. Spoons.

Lots of spoons. Babygirl named

Rain. Needles. Shots. Medicine.

Water. Plastic cups. Styrofoam.

Gross. Stacking. Lines. Babies.

French. Fights. Creole. Car rides.

Hard-to-pronounce names.

Sleepy. Bumps. Pain. Salami.

Peanuts. Juice box. Rain storm.

Poetry. Theatre. Ideas. Baby boy.

Soaking wet. Jorgie. Mosquitos.

Malnutrition. Pink computers. Hot water.

Sunglasses. Yellow banana shirt. Braids.

Screaming. Mute girl. Crushes. Bruises.

Butterflies. Naked Barbie dolls. Kites.

Thick thighs. Torn nails. Childish laughter.

Olga. Green eyes. Shut doors. Packing up.

Relief. Goodbyes. See you laters.

Pickup truck.

..........

Y'all must be thinking "What the hell kind of a random list of words am I seeing here?" and I don't blame you for that. Looking at it now, all these words out of context don't seem to have any meaning, but I can assure you, they do. And that's how my first day at work went. I am beyond exhausted.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya