I'm Feeling Old Now

Will this be my only post this year? Let's hope not.

..........

1. What did you do in 2021 that you'd never done before?

Got my first tattoo!!! And second. And third. Got my first covid vaccine!!! And second. And third. Ordered my first legal drink. Got shwasted. Drank in front of my grandparents at my cousin's wedding. Dated a woman (whom I am still head over heels for!) Did the lesbian deed with said woman lmao. Did my first ever wine tasting *heart eyes* Said wine tasting occurred with said woman in EUROPE so, basically my life is better than yours.

2. Did you keep your New Years Resolutions and will you make more for next year?

During a parmesan panorama punani pandemmy? Resolutions? More like I've been trying to stay alive, thanks.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My cousin Chloe had a baby girl born on my same exact birthday! Baby Lily is now my birthday twin, only twenty-one years younger :)

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Riccardo. It was too soon, my dear friend.

5. What countries did you visit?

I actually have fun answers this time! And you wouldn't think it 'cuz corona but still! I, of course, spent an annoying amount of time in the US and sadly didn't get to visit DR. However, I did get to visit the love of my life in SWITZERLAND of all places??? And then we took a quick little weekend trip to France, like...  my life cannot get more romantic or romanticized than that.

6. What would you like to have in 2022 that you lacked in 2021?

Predictability. Stability. A steady income. The usual.

7. What dates from 2021 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

February. First tattoo!
March 6. My 21st Birthday!!! (also hbd Lily)
April 20. No longer a lesbian virgin lol.

July. Memphis!!!

October. Switzerland <3 France <3 Zoë <3

December 2. Death Day Debut ;)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Having the courage, determination, and the nerve to stand up for myself against my school administration when they were being classist, ableist, elitest fucks. And also getting to play a Latina character for the first time in my life—that was truly something.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Whoa there buddy, let's use some less violent language there, shall we? I wish I had noticed my value and worth in friendships and relationships sooner. I wish I had dropped people who did not serve me and realized sooner that they did not deserve me. I wish I had listened to my dear ones' warnings.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Ya girl is literally chronically mentally ill ahaha but other than that, didn't get the 'rona *knock on wood* so that's a win. I only had to put up with the lovely, delightful symptoms of aging, such as horrific tendonitis flare-ups in both my knees, among other less glamorous things.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Plane tickets to see my Zoë <3 Oh and AN iPAD FOR SCHOOL THAT LITERALLY CHANGED MY LIFE (thank you Sabrina)!!!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Not even gonna lie: mine. I did so much work on myself this past year, it's kinda wild and deserves recognition. And sure, I may not be where I want to be yet but I did some badass things that previous me never would have been able to.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?

Many, of course, but I've got someone specific in mind. No matter, she won't be making appearances around here anymore.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Take-out food binges. And plane tickets (dear god they cost as much as a mortgage).

15. What did you get really, really excited about?

My first tattoo! Getting to star in a play that centered young, powerful Latinx voices. Getting to visit my girlfriend in EUROPE?!!! Truly any time I got to see her was a gift.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2021?

Head Over Feet. Jagged Little Pill Cast.

Kiss Me More. Doja Cat ft. SZA

MONTERO. Lil Nas X.

good 4 u. Olivia Rodrigo.

Woman. Doja Cat.

Balancing the Scales. Barlow & Bear.

Heat Waves. Glass Animals.

Best Friend. Saweetie ft. Doja Cat.

Woman. Diana Gordon.

DÁKITI. Bad Bunny ft. Jhay Cortez.

34+35. Ariana Grande.

drivers license. Olivia Rodrigo.

Levitating. Dua Lipa ft. DaBaby.

space girl. Frances Forever.

Promiscuous. Nelly Furtado ft. Timbaland.

abcdefu. GAYLE.

STAY. The Kid LAROI ft. Justin Bieber.

Shivers. Ed Sheeran.
Easy On Me. Adele.

INDUSTRY BABY. Lil Nas X ft. Jack Harlow.

Bad Habits. Ed Sheeran.

Do It To It. ACRAZE ft. Cherish.

All Too Well (Taylor's Version). Taylor Swift.

Happier Than Ever. Billie Eilish.

love nwantiti (ah ah ah). CKay.

Beggin. Måneskin.

Oh My God. Adele.

SAD GIRLZ LUV MONEY Remix. Amaarae ft. Kali Uchis, Moliy

One Right Now. Post Malone ft. The Weeknd.

traitor. Olivia Rodrigo.

Smokin Out The Window. Bruno Mars, Anderson .Paak, Silk Sonic.

Need to Know. Doja Cat.

THATS WHAT I WANT. Lil Nas X.

I AM WOMAN. Emmy Meli.

Ghost. Justin Bieber.

Meet Me At Our Spot. THE ANXIETY, WILLOW, Tyler Cole.

Peaches. Justin Bieber ft. Daniel Caesar, Giveon.

Life Goes On. Oliver Tree.

edamame. bbno$ ft Rich Brian.

GHOST TOWN. Benson Boone.

Don't Go Yet. Camila Cabello.

Save Your Tears. The Weeknd ft. Ariana Grande.

Bored. Billie Eilish.

Build a Bitch. Bella Poarch.

deja vu. Olivia Rodrigo.

Rasputin. Majestic, Boney M.

Astronaut in the Ocean. Masked Wolf.

Heartbreak Anthem. Galantis ft. David Guetta, Little Mix.

I GUESS I'M IN LOVE. Clinton Kane. 

telepatía. Kali Uchis.

Leave The Door Open. Bruno Mars, Anderson .Paak, Silk Sonic.

MAMMAMIA. Måneskin.

In Da Getto. J Balvin ft. Skrillex.

We're Good. Dua Lipa.

Beautiful Mistakes. Maroon 5 ft Megan Thee Stallion.

Prisoner. Miley Cyrus ft. Dua Lipa.

Good Days. SZA.

Dinero. Trinidad Cardona.

Heartbreak Anniversary. Giveon.

Love Again. Dua Lipa.

Dark Red. Steve Lacy.

Butter. BTS.

Blinding Lights. The Weeknd.

Mood. 24kGoldn ft. iann dior.

Watermelon Sugar. Harry Styles.

Up. Cardi B.

positions. Ariana Grande.

Lemonade. Internet Money ft. Gunna, Don Toliver, NAV.

WITHOUT YOU. The Kid LAROI.

Supalonely. BENEE, Gus Dapperton.

Holy. Justin Bieber ft. Chance the Rapper.

A-O-K. Tai Verdes.

pov. Ariana Grande.

Physical. Dua Lipa.

Say So. Doja Cat. 

Thot Shit. Megan Thee Stallion.

Jalebi Baby. Tesher ft. Jason Derulo.

motive. Ariana Grande ft. Doja Cat.

Ain't Shit. Doja Cat.

Buss It. Erica Banks.

Get Into It (Yuh). Doja Cat.

Cry Baby. Megan Thee Stallion ft. DaBaby.

Dick. StarBoi3 ft. Doja Cat.

Into The Thick of It. The Backyardigans.

Iko Iko (My Bestie). Justin Wellington ft. Small Jam.

WHOLE LOTTA MONEY. Bia ft. Nicki Minaj.

Bills, Bills, Bills. Destiny's Child.

Like I Can. Sam Smith.

GUY.exe. Superfruit.

Have Mercy. Chlöe.

Running Away. VANO 3000, BADBADNOTGOOD, Samuel T. Herring.

Bananza (Belly Dancer). Akon.

my ex's best friend. Machine Gun Kelly ft. blackbear.

WAP. Cardi B ft. Megan Thee Stallion.

Circles. Post Malone.

Man's World. MARINA.

Dress. Charlotte Sands.

MANCHILD. Emily Bear.

Candy. Machine Gun Kelly ft. Trippie Redd.

Maneater. Nelly Furtado.

Mind Over Matter. Anthony Ramos.

She. Dodie.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

(a) Moods are in constant fluctuation but overall, I'd say happier.
(b) What on earth is up with these invasive questions? I gained more weight than I ever have in my life and I'm learning to be okay with it.
(c) I'm only a fraction of a fraction richer than I was, monetarily speaking. With everything else though, I'd say exponentially.

18. What do you wish you had done more of?

I wish for every possible moment with Zoë. I wish I had done some more writing, sleeping, dreaming.

19. What do you wish you had done less of?

Giving people who weren't worth it the time of day. And gosh, I need to spend less time on my phone.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With my dad, the kitties, and the bros in our tiny apartment in NY. It was the best one we've had in years.

21. Did you fall in love in 2021?

Oh my, did I... She's everything and more.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Chrisley Knows Best.

One Day At A Time.

New Girl.

Julie & The Phantoms.

Peaky Blinders.
Maid.

Outer Banks.

Next in Fashion.

Sex Education.

Derry Girls.

Dead to Me.

Schitt's Creek.

The Queen's Gambit.

The Great British Baking Show.

23. Do you hate someone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Usually, I'd say hate is a pretty strong word but honestly I'd go so far as to say yeah. This warrants it.

24. What was the best book you read?

Dear god... did I read a single book this year? Uh... I'll get back to you on that.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

RATATOUILLE THE TIKTOK MUSICAL omfg greatest thing ever invented.
Måneskin, sexy beasts that they are.

Barlow&Bear, the talented-beyond-belief duo of my dreams.

26. What did you want and get?

True love <3 Experiences of a lifetime.

27. What did you want and not get?

An apology.

28. What was your favorite film of the year?

I dunno if you noticed but... it's been kinda ~impossible~ to go to the movies as of late so many of these had to wait. Luckily, the internet exists.

Luca.

In the Heights.

Black Widow.

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings.
Encanto.

Don't Look Up.

The French Dispatch.

tick, tick... BOOM!

I have yet to see:

Spiderman: No Way Home (if anyone spoils this for me, I will personally make sure the rest of your life is filled with tiny innumerable inconveniences)

Being the Ricardos.

Licorice Pizza.

West Side Story.

House of Gucci.

C'mon C'mon.

Spencer.

Old.

Cyrano.

Wolf.

Minari.

29. What is one thing that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Look, when I tell you lesbians do it better... they really truly do lmao

30. How would you describe your fashion concept in 2021?

Cottagecore-wannabe/baby-sapphic/yikes-depression.

31. What kept you sane?

Weed lmao kiddinggg (not really) But also my fierce, incomparably loyal friends. And doing theatre. Performing. Singing. Cooking. And knowing how long it would be 'til I could see Zoë again.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Doja Cat is just *perfection* Also, Zoë got me hooked on Machine Gun Kelly and I'm not mad about it. And of course, as always, Zendaya and Tom Holland, who will always have my heart.

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

I'm not even gonna go there. I was simply astonished by how blatantly selfish and arrogant some choose to be.

34. Who do you miss?

Titi. Mami. Zoë. A lot of people.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2021.

Sometimes, people you thought loved you will absolutely break your heart. Hard as it might be, it's okay to let them go. Get angry! Anger is powerful and deserves to be felt! You deserve to have people in your life who will see your value and worth no matter what the circumstance and choose you every time. Make no space for nonsense. You are a GIFT—and not one anyone should take for granted.

36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"You've already won me over, in spite of me

And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

And don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn't help it, it's all your fault."

"Head Over Feet" by Alanis Morissette

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Different and the Same

 Saludos, chiquitines <3 Currently writing to you from my SINGLE dorm room at Vassar (can you tell I'm excited about it?) in the comfort of my squishy, sweaty bed. I've been here about a week already and things are somewhat different but also the same? I dunno, like obviously everybody is wearing masks all the time—yes, even to the bathroom—and I wasn't allowed to hug any of my friends when I arrived and there are tents all over campus that are supposed to be makeshift classrooms and I have to stay six feet apart from everybody at all time, but... I guess this is all still a step up from total isolation in bumfuck nowhere Vermont. Don't get me wrong, Montpelier is a cute little town but SO not where I want to spend the rest of my days. Too insular, too homogenous, too conformist. 

Hang on, I just got a huge wave of fatigue, yikes.

Okay, not dead yet.

Tomorrow is the first day of classes and though I'm excited, I'm a little bit terrified. My first class is Psych Stats which is a math class which means I might die. Then I'm getting lunch with my babes Linnea and Juliana, only head over to Sources of World Drama with Jack and Charlotte and Cameron and all my other fave people afterward. At 3:00pm I've got my second COVID test scheduled and from 4pm to 5pm, I'm meeting with Nicole about some not-so-fun stuff. Overall, quite a busy first day.

Seeing my absolute favorite people over the past week has been magnificent. I couldn't stand being apart from them for months on end. It still super sucks that I can't hug any of them but picnics with Linnea, Jack & Juliana are almost as fun, and aimless wandering around campus with Evan is just as hilarious, and hallway chats with Garret, Charlotte & Leila are just as absurd and entertaining. The only missing link right now is Jessica aka last year's roomie aka my personal comedienne aka the love of my life <3 She decided to study remotely this semester which is completely understandable but I miss her SO MUCH because she brings me so much joy and can make me laugh like no other. The good news is we have a virtual sociology class together so I will get to see her gorgeous face on Zoom every Tuesday and Thursday! Not quite the same, but it's something.

Acquiring food is a little strange because it's all takeout so I just end up hoarding cereal containers so I don't have to get up for breakfast the next morning lol I guess it's a good thing though because it forces me to sit outside and I'm not much of an outdoors fan otherwise ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

My room is everything I could've hoped for and more :) Almost as big as last year's room (which was a double) and so very aesthetically pleasing in my eyes. Even though I forgot to bring an entire box of decorations with me because I'm a genius :) My skincare self-care corner has definitely become an apothecary of sorts and it makes me feel like a witchy queen hehehe My bed is lofted and cozy as ever, what with Evie the Owl, Piglet the Owl, Hobbes the Owl, Bella Moose the Unicorn, and Kuzco the Llama. It's a party every night, obviously. My fairy lights bring me immense joy and my closet happens to be an open plan so I decided to organize my clothes by color gradient and I am very pleased with the result. I've got little postcards on the wall and trinkets from previous adventures and memories from old friends, not to mention my window fan is the closest I'll get to having an AC. 

The Owls won't be able to hold auditions or rehearsals this semester for obvious reasons but we still plan on meeting virtually at least once a week which should be nice. I believe we plan to record some virtual songs this semester and will reveal them as our pseudo "final concert". My fingers are crossed for the spring.

Today is the two year anniversary of Titi's death. I dunno if I was meant to feel something or what. I miss her. But I also know she'd be incredibly proud of me and all that I've overcome. I think she'd find my classes really cool. I'm excited to take Dance Improv because of her. I wanna be like her in so many ways. She still doesn't quite feel gone. I haven't let her feel gone yet, I don't think. I don't want her to be. She's still my favorite. She will never not be.

Javier is a sophomore in high school which blows my mind. I guess I'm a sophomore in college which makes it weirder. He's killing it on all fronts as usual. I really hope I get to see him this winter <3 I don't want him getting any older. My mom and I are on better terms these days. I like it better that way.

I miss my kitties, Phoenix and Scout. I don't miss their fur in my mouth 24/7 tho. I miss Suki. I miss Natasha and our numerous trips to TJ Maxx. I miss watching Umbrella Academy with YD and rambling about how he is literally Klaus. I miss my dad. 

I'm excited and hopeful for this semester. I can't afford not to be. I want so many good things for so many people. I want the people I love to know I love them. I want them to know how valued they are. How much I would do anything for them to be happy. I'm missing a lot of people. But I think about them every day. 

I dunno, y'all. I'm tired and I have to get up early tomorrow and I'm past making coherent sentences. Keeping the lot of you in my thoughts.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya <3

Love in the Time of Corona

I don't know what I'm trying to write.

Nothing I could ever write would heal this kind of hurt. And yet here I am trying to make some sense of it all. Or maybe not make sense of it, just... I dunno. Throw my thoughts into the void.

Everything has happened so fast. Two weeks ago, we all happily left for spring break without a care in the world. Some of us came prepared for the worst, others did not. I have attempted to take every step with grace, but have not been so successful. First, the rumors. Then memes, warnings, emails followed. News headlines flashing COVID-19, Coronavirus, Global Pandemic. It just doesn't go away. Hasn't gone away. Week two in self-quarantine trying to keep clean, trying to keep sane, trying to make the aches of missing you all go away.

I think I told myself to write this as an attempt to journal my way through the outbreak. People kept journals during the World Wars, during the Great Depression, during the Spanish Influenza—why should this be any different? Our world is at war with a virus we don't yet know how to beat. It's perhaps our scariest enemy yet. And while I don't think it productive to fall into a complete state of panic, people need to do better. Wash your hands. Stay home. Practice social distancing. Remain six feet apart. Don't hoard supplies. Be a decent fucking human being. We are all hurting. We are all scared. At least be kind.

Things are scary right now. They are. Between trying to navigate the transition to online classes, to figuring out where I was gonna live, to making sure my parents were safe, to scrubbing my hands raw, to battling with loneliness in isolation, to wondering what I'm gonna do when my medication runs out, to attempting to function at all like a regular human being... It just... It's a lot. I've been fortunate enough to be able to stay with Linnea's family in MA for the time being. YD is doing the same with a friend from RISD. Javi and Mami are stuck in the DR apartment. My dad is in VT working the frontlines every day as a retail employee at a pharmacy. Talk about modern-day soldiers.

There has been so much uncertainty and so much distress on all fronts. So much is out of our control. I've tried focusing on the little tiny baby things I do have control over (like eating and sleeping, showering and brushing my teeth, going for a walk or at least looking out the window) and yet I still can't seem to do them all enough. Evan's been pushing me to stay on top of it. Linnea's been trying to keep me sane. Vassar students everywhere are scrambling—for their belongings, their GPAs, their friends, their canceled graduations. Professors and administration can barely keep up with the ever-changing news. Entire states are being shut down left and right. Outside feels like a ghost town. Still, the only way out is through.

When things are scary and frightening and uneasy and unknown, I find it comforting to revel in the small things. Like raspberry jam on toast. And crossword puzzles. A weighted blanket for bed. Hamster feet. Hugs of every kind. Facetime. Fun-filled pasta. Rediscovering club penguin. Cooking dinner together. Puppy licks. Disney movies. Children's books. A hot shower. Solitude at 3am. Plants that continue to grow despite it all. I am so lucky to be cared for and healthy and safe. Not everyone can say the same.

Please be kind to yourselves and each other. The world has needed tenderness for some time now. Give it to her.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya 

Perhaps the First Good Year

Once again, I'm the worst. To be fair, though, this time I didn't have internet on the day it was meant to be posted sooooo.......... Pretend this was posted on December 31st lmao XD

You won't even believe it but this year was the beginning of good news. Good news! For me! That hasn't happened for me in years, and that is not an exaggeration. Anyhow, this post was a lot more fun to write this time because it wasn't the same old depressing bullshit. At least for the most part.

1. What did you do in 2019 that you'd never done before?

Hmm, I'm trying to remember... Oh right. I FINISHED MY FIRST EVER FULL SEMESTER OF COLLEGE!!! FUCK YEAH!!! I also became a waitress for the first time, got fired for the first time (from that same job lol), became a dogwalker and a babysitter simultaneously, initiated my first ever breakup (that's huge for me, I've never been the one to initiate the split), I learned how to cartwheel, how to change a tire, I had my first ever successful hookup, I stood up to men who thought they could get away with treating me condescendingly and coercively, I performed in community theatre for the first time, I adopted KITTIES!, I became the primary caretaker/financial supporter in my household for a period of time, I experienced hunger, I overcame said hunger along with a bunch of other challenges and now I am here :)

2. Did you keep your New Years Resolutions and will you make more for next year?

I think I remember saying all I wanted for myself was self-compassion. It wasn't always easy but dear God, I think I finally am starting to get the hang of it. Next year, I want to continue on that track but also try to develop some more healthy day-to-day routines. Nothing should be more of a priority than my health.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My cousin Alex and his wife Chelsea had their first child together, Xander, and he's the cutest little nugget there ever was. Also, WE ADOPTED TWO INSANELY CRAZY AND ADORABLE CATS AND I'M OVER THE MOON ABOUT IT.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Mike Meads was in the year below me and even though I'd never been close to him, his death was unexpected and tragic and hurt many lives. Then Mary Oliver, Luke Perry, and Cameron Boyce, other untimely tragedies that shook my soul more than I thought they would. It was also the first anniversary of Titi's death. That was hard.

5. What countries did you visit?

US and DR, baby. I'm a predictable bitch.

6. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019?

I think just more financial security and the ability to find consistent routines that work for me.

7. What dates from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

January 5th. Send in college apps.
January 6th. YD goes to Rome.
January 22nd. First day waitressing.
February 9th. Visit Evan and Linnea <3
February 11th. First (initiated) breakup.
February 14th. Margaritowlville!
February 16th. Freaky Friday.
February 23rd. Meet Noah!
March 6th. Last teen year.
March 9th. Into the Spiderverse.
March 17th. Doña Flor y Sus Dos Maridos.
April 1st. Vassar says yes!
April 5th. NEWSIES.
April 11th. First time getting fired :/
April 20th. Dogsit for Shea.
April 24th. Hadestown <3
April 25th. Change a tire.
May 5th. Seussical.
May 10th. Les Mis.
May 18th. Nat's Dance Recital!
May 26th. Babies' graduation!
May 27th. Brunch Reunion w/ Fonts, Claire & Clara.
June 8th. Minigolf with CJ, NJ + Matt.
June 14th. WIFE!!!
June 21st. Whose Live Is It Anyway w/ The Martins.
June 30. Pride with Kota.
July 6th. RIP Cameron Boyce <3
July 12th. Spiderman: Far From Home.
July 30th. Marshland Conservancy.
August 6th. Kitty Adoption Day!
August 22nd. Vassar Round 2.
August 30th. Titi <3
September 15th. Owl Sing-Ins!
October 10th. Still.
October 11th. The Flick.
October 31st. O'Hysteria.
November 13th. Summertime/Wintertime.
November 22nd. Safe Hands.
November 23rd. Nina.
December 4th. Fun Home.
December 12th. Owls Final Concert.
December 14th. Beats Final Concert.
December 19th. Beats Suite Christmas.
December 20th. Return to the island.
December 21st. The Big Chop.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I somehow managed to make myself my number 1 priority. It didn't always work and there definitely were times where I had to put my family first but at least I didn't fall into the trap of needing a companion to get me through it all. I was there to get me through it all. I was capable and strong and determined and I was enough.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I don't really like to think of anything as a failure because from our mistakes, we learn. I would have liked to continue and get through my Fundamentals of Music class, but ultimately I made the right decision in withdrawing. It was sucking up all my energy and time and was wrecking my mental health so I'm glad I let it go.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Oh goodness, my immune system has never been the strongest and after working so closely with kids so often, you pick up all their gross little germs. Needless to say, I was pretty consistently sick for about half of this year. Finished the year off with a month and a half long bout of bronchitis :)

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Tickets to Hadestown. Wouldn't have traded them for the world.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My usual go-to's, Linnea and Evan—I seriously don't know what I'd do without them; my cousin Natasha who is the older sister I never had; Papi for breaking the cycle that had been eating at him for the past five years; and my lovely roommate Jessica, who made coming back to school the most fun ever.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?

So many people in power. It's nauseating, really.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Groceries, rent, medical bills. That's what life as a real adult is like.

15. What did you get really, really excited about?

Seeing Hadestown with my dad as our joint birthday present :) Performing Newsies with a cast of unbelievably amazing people. Adopting two precious kitties <3 Rejoining the path of college education. Getting to sing with my Night Owls once more. Watching professional-grade theatre for free because my college's drama department slaps. The new Dominican food place down the street from my dorm.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2019?

Señorita by Camila Cabello & Shawn Mendes
Old Town Road by Lil Nas X
I BEEN BORN AGAIN by BROCKHAMPTON
bad guy by Billie Eilish
7 rings by Ariana Grande
Sucker by Jonas Brothers
Lights Up by Harry Styles
Dancing With a Stranger by Sam Smith ft Normani
Circles by Post Malone
If I Can't Have You by Shawn Mendes
Dance Monkey by Tones and I
Juice by Lizzo
bury a friend by Billie Eilish
break up with your girlfriend, im bored by Ariana Grande
DDU-DU DDU-DU by BLACKPINK
Beautiful People by Ed Sheeran
Watermelon Sugar by Harry Styles
Cool by Jonas Brothers
BOY BYE by BROCKHAMPTON
Tempo by Lizzo ft Missy Elliot
Movement by Hozier
2 by H.E.R.
Greedy by Ariana Grande
Earth by Lil Dicky
Nightmare by Halsey
Kill This Love by BLACKPINK
Con Calma by Daddy Yankee
Back Pocket by Vulfpeck
365 by Zedd ft Katy Perry
Boys by Lizzo
bloodline by Ariana Grande
Exactly How I Feel by Lizzo ft Gucci Mane
Grow As We Go by Ben Platt
NO HALO by BROCKHAMPTON
i'm so tired by Lauv ft Troye Sivan
Truth Hurts by Lizzo
Funky Duck by Vulfpeck
MONOPOLY by Ariana Grande ft Victoria Monét
Mount Everest by Labrinth
Level Up by Ciara
Go DJ by KAYTRANADA ft SiR
The Box by Roddy Rich
thank u, next by Ariana Grande
Down Bad by Dreamville ft JID, J. Cole, EARTHGANG, Young Nudy
Need It by KAYTRANADA ft Masego
Solita by Kali Uchis
Fred Astaire by Jukebox The Ghost
Que Calor by Major Lazer ft J Balvin & El Alfa
All For Us by Labrinth ft Zendaya
Narcos by Migos
MALAMENTE by ROSALIA
151 Rum by JID
Hold Up by Beyoncé
Stop Your Crying by Lake Street Drive
Trampoline by SHAED ft ZAYN
River by Leon Bridges
i love you by Billie Eilish
Obsessed by Mariah Carey
Hey DJ by CNCO ft Yandel
Undrunk by FLETCHER
Teeth by 5 Seconds of Summer
hot girl bummer by blackbear
16 shots by Steffon Don
Lalala by Y2K, bbno$
Callaita by Bad Bunny ft Tainy
Don't Call Me Angel by Ariana Grande, Miley Cyrus ft Lana del Rey
California Dreamin' by The Mamas & The Papas
Jailbreak the Tesla by Injury Reserve by Aminé
I THINK by Tyler, The Creator
715 Creeks by Bon Iver
Good Kisser by Lake Street Drive
My Type by Saweetie
Jesus Is The One (I Got Depression) by Zack Fox, Kenny Beats

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

(a) Definitely happier. Without a doubt.
(b) Probably fatter lol Gaining muscle is exhausting.
(c) I think richer but it certainly doesn't feel like it what with all the adulting.

18. What do you wish you had done more of?

Enjoying the moment. Feeling confident in my abilities. Writing.

19. What do you wish you had done less of?

It may come as no surprise to you but worrying. It's time-consuming and unnecessary. Things work out in the end, not always the way we want them to but they do.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Uneventfully at my mom's apartment in DR surrounded by my fam.

21. Did you fall in love in 2019?

I'd like to say I learned how to fall in love with myself.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Where do I even start? Here are the ones that come to mind:

Dead to Me
Derry Girls
Scrubs
Riverdale
Friends (I watched all 10 seasons in about three weeks oops)
Euphoria
Barry
His Dark Materials
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
Queer Eye
Stranger Things (duh)
The Act
Schitt's Creek

23. Do you hate someone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Ooooooof sometimes men as a whole make me real mad. I'll just leave that there.

24. What was the best book you read?

I'm forgetting which books I read this year and which I read last year so I'm hoping these are accurate? I think it was a pretty good year for reading :)

Beautiful Broken Things
My Heart and Other Black Holes
Zac & Mia
Reincarnation Blues
Prince Charming
The Sun is Also A Star
Milk & Honey
Rainbow in the Cloud
Gmorning Gnight
Real Women Have Curves
Make Your Home Among Strangers
The Farming of Bones
Where the Crawdads Sing
The Sun & Her Flowers

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Ben Platt's Sing Me To Sleep
KATRANADA's BUBBA
Harry Styles's Fine Line
Ariana Grande's thank u, next
BROCKHAMPTON's GINGER
Fun Home Soundtrack
Hadestown Soundtrack
Vanara the Musical Soundtrack

26. What did you want and get?

A speck of stability which I didn't ever think I'd get in the next few years.

27. What did you want and not get?

Inner family peace but we're working on it.

28. What was your favorite film of the year?

As always, there is never one single answer:

Avengers: Endgame
Joker
The Lighthouse
Spiderman: Far From Home
Captain Marvel
The Lion King
Little
Always Be My Maybe
Downton Abbey
After (lmaoooooo)
Let It Snow
Klaus <3

I have yet to see:

Hustlers
Rocketman
Aladdin
Judy
The Two Popes
Good Boys
Honeyland
Peanut Butter Falcon
booksmart
Toy Story 4
Missing Link

29. What is one thing that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Quality time with my dad, my brothers, Natasha, the kitties... And getting beyond lucky when it came to my sweet hallmates and roommate :)

30. How would you describe your fashion concept in 2019?

Comfy girl-next-door

31. What kept you sane?

ASMR. Kiddos. My best friends.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Wow um cool if Hunter Shafer wants to accept my hand in marriage, I would be over the moon <3 Then again, I've got my usual suspects: Zendaya, Tom Holland, Ana de Armas, Lana Condor, Noah Centineo, Joey King, Cole Sprouse, Billie Eilish, Reeve Carney, Eva Noblezada, Ben Platt, Harry Styles, and of course, Lizzo.

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

Sigh. 2019 was not unique in its growing cases of hate and violence. Between the mass shootings, the numerous cases of transphobia, islamophobia, and anti-semitism, the blatant acts of terrorism, raging fires, families being separated and children being put in cages... I just have no words. It is each and every one of our responsibility to be better. This world cannot improve on its own—it is imperative that we step in and make every little tiny difference we can.

34. Who do you miss?

My mom. Suki. My grandparents. My brothers. Phoenix and Scout. Evan & Linnea.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019.

You have courage made of steel, babe. You are made of bravery and determination and perseverance. You are made of stars and exploding galaxies and the Sun and the Moon. There is absolutely nothing you can't do if you put your mind to it. I have every faith that you will succeed. I love you I love you I love you.

36. Quote a song lyrics that sums up your year:

"Woo girl, need to kick off your shoes
Got to take a deep breath, time to focus on you
All the big fights, long nights that you been through
I got a bottle of Tequila I been saving for you
Boss up and change your life
You can have it all, no sacrifice
I know he did you wrong, we can make it right
So go and let it all hang out tonight"

"Good as Hell" by Lizzo

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: Happy Birthday a billion days late Maeve, my dear <3

Turkey Day List #2

Quick lil note: I am the worst at turning things in on time, even things like this. So bear with me pls. Pretend I posted this a whole month ago, cool thanks.

You know how this goes.

Mami & Papi: Change is inevitable. We are always growing, always learning, always evolving. It is not easy. I am proud of you. I love you both. With every fiber of my being. Please don't give up on yourselves. You have so much more to do. It is so close! You are so close! Sí se puede!

Yan Diego: I heckin worry about you sometimes, you piece of shit. Thanks for not being an asshole to me 100% of the time and also I think you're super talented and amazing and I brag about you every chance I get oops.

Javi: Dude you need to stop growing, it's kinda gross. Also please move to this side of the planet. We miss you so much it hurts sometimes.

Natasha: Life works in mysterious ways and even though the leadup kinda sucked ass, I'm glad the universe brought you to live with us. It's been such a blessing having you around and I don't think we could have gotten through the past six months without you <3

Suki: Mi amor bella y preciosa! No te apures, que ya ahorita llegamos a verte!

Nutella: Sigue haciendo tu cosa, nena.

Cinnamon: I hope you are enjoying your many naps on Grandma's lap, sweet girl.

Phoenix Emilio Salem Cruz: Natasha knew immediately that she was gonna take you home. How could she not? You fluffy black ball of fur, you. You've turned her into the wackiest cat mom out there, good job ;)

Sansa Scout Westley Wilson: You crazy, possessed demon, how I love you. I can't wait to get back to Vermont so I can force you to love me (even though you already do <3)

Abuelo & Bianelly: Son mis ídolos y le pido a Dios que puedan mudarse a la Florida seguramente.

Abuela: Sé que no siempre te entiendo pero mi mayor deseo es que jamás dudes cuanto te amo. Eres tan amada. Más que crees.

Grandma & Grandpa: I miss you guys so much and am super ready to see you guys at YD's graduation. It's been too long.

The Wilson-Fishers: Ditto.

Tío John & Gaby: You guys inspire me every day.

Joel, Melissa, Luis, & Noah: I'm so happy you guys are in my life, you don't even know. We have to make up for lost time but that shouldn't take us long :) I love you ALL to infinity and beyond!!!

Pri & Ana: My oldest friends. Las quiero more than you'll ever know.

Newsies Yamily: You pulled me out of the void when I needed it most. I Never Planned on No One Like You.

CJ & Nat: You two are the best thing that ever came from Newsies. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life <3

My grown-up babes, Lauryn, Kelila, Soren, Riley, Megan, Jay, Emma, & Julia, and my even older babes, Amanda, Caellum, Fonts, Mike, Claire, Thom, Sophia, Brandt, Tiernan, & Maeve: Everything I am today is because of every single one of you. I am so proud of and so thankful to each of you. I love you I love you I love you.

Jessica: You lunatic. I am SO lucky Vassar decided to pair me with you. I can't imagine myself with any other roommate. You make living with another person so easy (seeing as we're basically the same person in all the horrible ways) and coming home to you at the end of the day makes my heart happy <3 Here's to another semester of corndog eating and wine sipping and cliche movie bashing.

Charlotte & Leila: I'M SO GLAD WE'RE HALL NEIGHBORS LIKE I'M VERY HAPPY YOUR ROOM IS TWO FEET AWAY FROM OURS AND THAT WE CAN GO ON FUN MIDNIGHT ADVENTURES TOGETHER WE MUST DO THAT MORE OFTEN KAY THANKS LOVE YOU

Miles, Garret, Robin, & Sarah: I couldn't ask for a sweeter group of hallmates. You guys have my back, always.

Gabby: MOMMMMMM you are truly the best mom and I am convinced we are the best fellow group. Case closed.

Chloe: Hey thanks for being the coolest drama mentor EVER ;) I'm amazed at how you and I are so alike and how it's taken us this long to notice. I appreciate every moment I have with you, babe.

Linnea: You're a nut and I love you way more than eleven goat. More like eleven alpaca, cuz I feel like alpacas could kick a goat's ass.

The other Beats Suite members, Martin, Juliana, Ranza, Graham (& Jack): Thanks for letting me invade your space and for letting me love you unconditionally even though you sometimes have entire conversations with sounds and not real words and it makes me want to rip my head off :)

The Martins: Thanks for adopting me and for babysitting Saoirse and Soraya for me while I'm away <3

Evan: 'Sup loser. Thanks for picking me up from dates I don't want to be at and for bringing me food and watching drug-related shows with me and for not getting killed in Jiu-Jitsu.

Tessa: My dearest Tessa, you absolute goofball, I am so happy to know you and to be in your life. I look forward to so many more late-night chats and Saturday brunches. We'll have a grand old time.

Madison: Oh dear god, I couldn't be happier to know we're in Owls together at the same time in this universe. I couldn't bear missing a single one of your snarky remarks or witty banter. Keep unpacking, the world needs more of that.

Emma: Owls couldn't have ended up with a better pitch. You lead with such compassion and hard work and care. You help us all create seriously beautiful music and still manage to keep us laughing. We are all thankful for you, babe.

Sam: My darling Sammy, no one in this entire world has a heart bigger than yours. Whether you know it or not, you've brightened so many lives with your smile and your dino and your kind words. Please don't ever leave my life; I'd be lost without you.

Sabrina: Thank you for living your best, powerful life every second of every day. I have no doubt in my mind that you would do anything for any of your fellow owls—your loyalty is truly admirable. You are the living definition of Big Dick Energy. Also please connect me to the gay world I'm so scared kay thanks <3

Ariana: You are quite frankly (and I do not say this lightly) the FUNNIEST person I have ever met. Whether you mean to or not, your timing is always impeccable and I've had to stop myself from peeing at your jokes on several occasions. Also, you are so sweet and the Peace Corps are SO lucky to have you.

Maisha: First off, goddess. Second of all, marry me. Thirdly, you are truly one of the kindest, most genuine humans I have ever had the privilege of meeting. That, and you've got a voice of pure velvet. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Elena: You absolute ray of sunshine! How I've missed you! I am beyond thrilled to have you back next semester because that means we'll all get to experience your radiant aura and the joy it brings.

Helen: I am so proud of you. Truly, you've been through some shit and yet you continue to wake up each morning and absolutely glow. Can't wait to have you back in the nest :)

Alexa: Hey lovely! I know we haven't spent much time together yet but I am SO excited to get to know you better and sing sweet, sweet music with you!

Gracie: I aspire to one day be as carefree, self-assured and talented as you are. Thanks for being a goof and 100% yourself at all times. It does not go unappreciated.

Alexandra: Hi hello I'm quite convinced you are an ethereal being not remotely from this world and you're posing as a down to earth, incredibly kind, witty human with the voice of a folky forest nymph. PS: You were the greatest Secret Snowflake ever! ILY <3

Delila: Laugh all you want but I've always been in awe of how poised and graceful and effortlessly cool you seem in every single situation. Also, ohmygod you're so weird.

Cameron: If Stevie Nicks ever had a daughter, she'd be you. You absolutely blow me away.

Eloise: You wild Aussie, you. I'm so hyped I get to spend the next four years singing with you, love!

Derek: Another year with you as my friend :)

Luke, Kota, Ben & Jared: I've learned so much from you.

Paul O'Connor: I'm in love with you, didn't you know? But also, I'm sure your girlfriend is delightful so don't mind me.

Greta Thunberg: You are so powerful. Thank you for being the voice many others don't have.

Zendaya: We've been here before. Hi, I'm your future wife.

Hunter Schafer: My newest, queerest obsession. Everything about you. I love you so much.

Eva Noblezada: No one has ever drawn me in so quickly.

Lauren, Maria, Emma, TingTing, Darya, Gibi, Sarah, Grace, Mads, Erin, Chiara, Abby, Bekah, Jojo, & Caroline: My sweet angels of sleep, how I love you.

The Weinreichs: The things you've done for my family I could never repay.

Madrina: I could not afford my school books otherwise. I miss you all so very much.

Barbara: Thank you for keeping my head intact.

Titi: I see you everywhere. Thank you for not disappearing on me. Te quiero.

I am so blessed.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Here Are Some Things You Didn't Need

Evidently I am absolutely atrocious at keeping my word so.

Hello hi. I am still alive.

A great many random things are happening in my life at the moment. Among them:

• After MONTHS of waiting, I finally got my Vassar financial aid package and it ended up amounting to way more than I ever could have thought possible so I am VERY hyped.

• My cousin Natasha started living with us at the beginning of summer and it's been crazy weird to have somewhat of a pseudo older sister around all the time.

• After days/weeks of agonizing over dorms and roommates, I finally got my assignment last Thursday! Though initially bummed about my dorm, some dear friends of mine gave me hope and made me feel better about it.

• I've been babysitting practically nonstop the past few months and as much as I love it, HECK is it exhausting. I do love my kids tho. Very much so. My girls range from six months to eleven years old.

• I am the best sister ever and landed YD some quality paying gigs :)

• I pre-registered for fall semester classes a while back and I am itching to get my hands on my schedule because I wanna see if I got things I actually wanted.

• I forget if I mentioned but we're moving to Vermont??? Long story short, Tia Susan and Tio Bob got offered a wonderful position in Santa Cruz but don't wanna sell their VT house, so Papi is gonna take care of it for a couple of years (Natasha will for as long as she wants to stay there). YD and I will be going there during school breaks if nowhere else. Odd how the building that was never really our house is the closest feeling I have to home.

• Ali and Max will still be living at their own respective places in VT so I'll be happy happy happy to see them more often! :)

• I have made such a beautiful friend in Kota. They are such a bright, wonderful, loving soul. Funny how the universe blesses us in strange ways.

• I've become a tiny bit obsessive with lists and dorm decorating ideas? It's not that bad, I only have like 40 boards of it on Pinterest...

• In terms of moving to VT, Papi has wanted a lil baby kitty for quite some time now but wasn't given the opportunity to have one in New York. Fun fact––Tomorrow me, my dad, and the bros will be out and about searching for our forever kitty <3 I am BEYOND EXCITED!!!!!!

• I finally saw The Lion King in theaters with my fam and as shitty as its reviews were, I honestly liked it. Like, do I regret seeing it in theaters? No. Would I watch it again in theaters? No. For people expecting the same magic and nostalgia as the first one, this ain't it. For people expecting gorgeous artwork, outstanding vocals, and hilarious comedic improv, this hits all the marks. I told YD it sort of felt like a song cover but for a movie. Not a live-action remake, more of an HD hyper-realistic rendition of the artwork and not much messing around with anything else. For what it was, I enjoyed it. Watch it if only for the stunning art. Those artists deserve tons of credit.

• I also watched Avengers: Endgame sometime this summer and Spiderman: Far From Home. Let's just say ow my entire heart is in pain but it's fine. Everything's fine.

• Stranger Things season 3 came out after we waited FOREVER and I was not disappointed one bit. Like, some things coulda been different if I had my say but god bless those children I adore them.

• Sidenote, I'm super delirious right now and might be crashing pretty soon but I figured I should just write. Haven't done it in a while so it was time.

• My dear, sweet Cameron Boyce passed away at 20 and my heart ached for days. It still does. What joy he brought to my life. What joy he brought to the world. We will miss you every day of our lives. Rest easy, darling.

• I have so many things I could write about. I have so many things I should write about but my brain is a little heckin scrambled and it won't be worth trying to unjumble it right now.

• Packing is so wild. Like, I get in weird moods where I'll just do it for hours and hours and clean and organize and reorganize. I might have a problem.

• I'm so sleepy holy fuck

• My wife Megan got me hooked on the Irish show Derry Girls and season 2 just came out on Netflix I am so pumped.

• I still gotta jump on the Euphoria and Succession and Dear White People train. I'll get there. I just have tons of other things to start/finish first.

• There was a brief period of time recently where I was experiencing major medication withdrawal symptoms and let me tell you, I recommend that shit to exactly no one. Like. NADIE. Jesus fuck it was awful.

• Update: I am now also ravenous. Fuck me.

• I'm so excited to hoot with my Owls again and harass my twin Evan and hug my dear Linnea to death <3

• Making new memories is something I'm equally terrified and excited about. This needs to be a new chapter. A new page. A clean slate. I need a new beginning. I do I do I do.

I could probably go on but my eyes are closing and my stomach is gurgling so this is an adiós from me. But that sounds too final so this is more of a "Hablamos pronto. Cuídense. Los amo."

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Turning Tables

Fair warning: This entire post is covered in sap. Read at your own risk :-/

Growing up, you always thought of your older siblings as your sworn protectors—those fiercely heroic assholes who would do anything to keep you from harm. Or I mean, that's how I saw it anyway.

Of course, it's usually nothing like that. Fuck no, older siblings nine times outta ten are the ones to rat you out, to go out of their way to terrorize you and their greatest pleasure derives from your misery. Yan Diego was probably the #1 enemy throughout my childhood. But he was also my best friend. Things just worked out that way.

As young kids, we were inseparable. Mind you, I made sure to do everything exactly the way he did. I idolized him, much as it pains me to say it. And then he became a teenager and developed that repulsive thing we call teenaged angst. At that point, I'm pretty sure he no longer wanted anything to do with me, as one does. We had a rocky few years, indeed.

But something happened after the divorce. Or during, I guess. We couldn't turn to our parents for comfort anymore—we only had each other. Javier was too young. He had no clue what was going on. So YD and I sought each other out anytime our parents were acting unreasonable (which believe me, was more often than not.) That all started somewhere around three years ago, and ever since then we've maintained a pretty good run. I'm honestly so glad things turned out that way. I couldn't have gotten through it without him.

Anyway, much as Yan Diego lives for roasting me, he's always been there when it mattered. Like when me and my mom got into one of our most heated arguments to date, or when I'd woken up screaming from a sickening night terror, or when some boyfriend screwed me over in some way or another, or even all those years ago when I tried to end it all. He was always there. Yeah, not all of his help or advice worked every time but he sure damn tried. And it mattered a hell of a lot to me.

What no one ever really tells you is how much he needs you too.

Hell, he'll probably kill me for writing this post anyway...

YD's not really one to take things seriously most of the time. But when he does, he means it from the depths of his soul. We were having one of those rare heart to hearts earlier last year, I was helping him through some stuff and he actually called me his best friend. He can deny it all he wants but he's a fucking softie and he knows it. Like I said, he'll shit on me 24/7 but at the end of the day, he'll make sure I know I'm loved. I could never ask for anything more.

I was inspired to write this post based on a semi-hilarious thing that happened tonight. There I was, watching Riverdale and minding my own business when YD called me up all the way from Italy.

"Hey, what's up?"

"Maya, I am so high."

"Lol good for you dude."

"No, I'm like SO high."

He proceeded to ramble on about all his paranoid thoughts, stopping himself mid-sentence every other second, voicing all his concerns and extreme confusion. At times, I could hear his voice crack or his breath speed up.

"Take a sec to breathe, my dude."

"I'm trying but I can't."

I proceeded to scroll through my ever-growing photo gallery, searching for just the thing: a GIF of a geometrical shape, shrinking and expanding at a steady pace.

"Here, I'm gonna text you this thing and I want you to match your breathing to it. Can you do that?"

I sat there for a few moments as he opened it up and started breathing along with it. Bad highs are easier to get through when you've got somebody with you.

"Maya, I'm scared."

"I know you are but you're okay. Everything's fine and this'll be over soon," I reminded him.

We stayed on the phone for over an hour. I tried to make him laugh and then there'd be times where he'd shush me even when I wasn't saying anything. Or he'd be his old weird self and talk in funny voices only to freak himself out afterwards. Eventually, I got him to get sleepy and asked if he'd be alright going to bed now. He said yes, thanking me for being a good sister and telling me that he loved and missed me lots.

Granted, this time he may have been wickedly crossed but he still called me because he needed me. And I could've told him to go fuck himself and continued to watch Riverdale in peace for all I cared but I figured, "This dude has been there for me practically always, he deserves the same. Especially when it's 2am in Italy and the guy is high off his rockers." XD

I guess this was all just a long-winded way of saying your older siblings/mentors/senpais need your help too once in a while. Don't take them for granted.

Keep on keeping on, fam.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Troubles

Hi there. It's getting quite late and I haven't managed to fall asleep yet.

Part of it is because I've been distracting myself by watching wedding vlogs. Wedding vlogs make me immensely happy. I need the distracting because if I lie awake too long tossing and turning, I'll remember how hungry I am. And I just cannot afford to be hungry right now. I had dinner already and that is that.

It's frustrating even to write this. I dunno. The past week, I've had 1 1/2 meals each day. There's only so much food left in the house and my dad and I have to make it stretch, so I really can't be pigging out on snacks any time I get bored. I know how I get when I get hungry, so I've avoided feeling it as often as I can. A good way to do this is by falling asleep, because when you're asleep, you can't know or feel how hungry you are, thus, a good two more meals are saved.

Needless to say, I spent a good portion of this week sleeping. And filling out financial aid forms for college. And sleeping. And washing dishes to pass the time. And sleeping.

My dad's been extra busy helping Javi out with his boarding school applications so he hasn't really had a lot of time to focus on me, or himself for that matter. And I mean, it'll be over soon, I guess, what with deadlines and due dates coming up. Anyway.

It's never a good feeling to know the person you depend on is not doing too hot. This I know because financial aid forms are very nosy and I was required to ask my dad some invasive questions. Living with a parent who struggles with mental illness is difficult. He knows this. He knows that I know this. And just like anyone with a mental illness (myself included) he has his good days and his bad days. I feel like my job is to make sure there are more good days than bad. 

My dad is pretty high functioning, all things considered. Just not when it comes to your basic everyday things like making his bed and doing the dishes and taking out the trash and getting us food.

Very few times in my life have I opened the fridge door just as my stomach gurgled, only to find it completely empty (and this is just a testament to my privilege, I am thankful I have experienced this only a very few times). All that was left inside was our water pitcher and an empty jar of mayo. Deciding I needed to eat soon lest I crave the early onset of a migraine, I scoured the cupboards for anything left since my brothers departed after the holidays. In this search, I found a can of tuna, a can of corn, some rice and some soup. I laid all the items out on the counter so my dad could see, strongly hinting that we needed to go grocery shopping ASAP.

Very few times in my life have I also needed to ransack my house for spare change, just to go get food. I looked at my dad, handing over the four bucks and eighty-six cents I searched all over my room for. That left us with a total of $26.86 to go shopping with. Something was something.

Again, writing this is infuriating. Because with every word I write, I feel like a privileged fucking hog who grew up in a white castle with unicorns and rainbows and butterflies. And maybe I did. That's not to say I wasn't aware of poverty—growing up in the Dominican Republic couldn't shelter you from that. But I lived a comfortable fucking life. And god bless me for that. I thank my lucky stars I was born into a nice enough family whose sole priority was our education and that we were loved. I am so lucky.

What I can say is nothing, absolutely nothing in this world can prepare you for when that rug gets tugged right out from under your feet. Sure, you think you'd know what to do if you were in a similar situation but until it happens to you, holy shit dude, you have no fucking idea.

And so I convinced my dad to go grocery shopping with the last of our cash. Because we needed to. So we got milk and eggs and bread and some other things I forget, knowing that we probably won't go shopping for another long while. That is, unless he reaches out to my mom for support.

Having divorced parents who are weird about money really fucking sucks.

This is all just a long-winded bitching rant to say that it's almost 2am on a Monday morning and I'm the kind of hungry where your stomach feels like it's eating itself and might kill you.

This wasn't meant to worry you all. Or, I dunno. You can think what you like. This is just how my life is going right now and you can think of it what you will.

We're gonna be fine, things are just shitty right now. It's okay.

I love you guys very much and sincerely hope you are doing well.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Turkey Day List #2

Hello my loves.

This list always proves difficult to write. Not because it's hard to come up with people I'm grateful for, but because it always ends with me getting rather emotional and... I dunno. Nostalgic, maybe? Either way, Thanksgiving posts have always been my favorite to write because I finally get to pay homage to the people and things that make everything infinitely better. I owe you my life.

Firstly to my angel, Titi Dorianny:

My dearest Titi... I dedicate the rest of my life to you. You are the single sweetest, funniest, smartest, humblest, most generous, most loving, most giving person I have ever known. That is no exaggeration. Though I'm still tortured by you leaving us so soon, your spirit survives in your husband's voice, in your son's eyes, in every latin song that comes on the radio; in knitted scarves and real smiles; galleticas de miel and blue skies. We will love you forever, as you have loved us. Te quiero, te adoro, te amo.

..........

Papi: It's always bizarre the moment you learn your parents aren't perfect. In this, though, I'm learning the act of forgiveness, and for that, I thank you. And for taking me in. And getting through this together.

Mami: I love you. I hope you always know that. I hope someday we can be closer again.

YD: You're pretty dope. This year you called me one of your best friends and I will never let you live that down. Love ya, pal.

Javi: So apparently this is the year you became taller than me or something??? Sounds fake but ok...

Tio John: You are such a vessel of strength and unconditional love. I admire you more than you know and I'm glad we will always be family <3

Natasha: It's really cool that we're both in New York now and our age gap doesn't matter as much haha You must be relieved you don't have to babysit me anymore (we all know how hyper I used to be) and instead we can enjoy deep talks and binging Netflix shows. Thanks for always being there.

Gaby: Oh Gaby... I freaking wish I could hug you. You astound me everyday with your resilience and brilliance. Truly. I've always said you'd be the next Einstein but now I'm thinking you'll be even more than that. You have such a beautiful soul and your parents have every reason to be proud.

Abuelo & Bianelly: Admiro tanto su amor. Espero algún día tener un amor así de fuerte.

Abuela: De verdad que te amo. Siempre lo haré.

Grandma & Grandpa: I miss you so much and I hope you guys are staying warm!

Tia Susan: I am purely convinced that you are my guardian angel.

Ali: Thank you for always being the sister I never had. I think our relationship is only gonna get better from here on out :)

Bob & Max: Regardless of whether you like having me around, y'all are such homies and I love youuuuu.

Suki: Muchachita de la porra I miss you so heckin much. Also, are you sure you're not part turkey?

Nutella: Niña bella, deja a la vieja tranquila XD

Cami: My dearest Cambria, can't wait to give you snuggles again ahhhhhhhh you're so fluffy I could die.

Luna: My darling creature, we haven't met yet but I'm your Tia and I LOVE YOU LIKE HECK.

Bernie & Phyllis: You little fuckers, I love you so much. Behave yourselves.

Future kitty: Hi there! Soy tu Mamá and I already love you with my whole heart! Stay warm until I get to hold you in my arms, yeah?

My exes: thank u, next :*

Pri: Chica, ven visítame porfaaaaaaa

Evan: Boiiiiiiiiiii, hello hi let's get ice cream and watch Narcos and go on a spooky scary midnight adventure and be besties again :)

Linnea: My love, I hope you know how much I love you with every fiber of my being. I would do anything for you and if someone hurts you, you best believe I will fuck. them. up. Now let's get together and take stunning pictures of each other <3

The Martins: If it wasn't already obvious, you guys are practically my second family and I love you to death and basically when can I move in?

The Night Owls: Your child misses you!!!

The Riders: You know how much you've done for me. I can never repay you.

Lauryn & Kelila: Hey babes, just wanted to say you're literally two of the bestest friends I've ever had and I live for our groupchat. I would do anything for either of you and I hope we get to see each other and be hoes together soon <3

Derek: It's sorta awesome having someone you've never met in person to count on. I gotchu fam.

Amanda: We vibe so hard together. I care about you immensely and your hugs are truly some of the best known to mankind.

Riley: You've grown so so so much from when I first met you and I can't even express how proud I am.You are going to do amazing things in this world, I know it.

Megan: My fave wife, please come visit me so we can have snuggles and excitement!!!

Soren: My precious child, holy heck am I proud of you. You better not forget about me when you're rich and famous and the most sought after celebrity of all time.

Julia: The Abbey can be tough but you are tougher. Even when you don't feel like it. Do not let it defeat you. I am here to support you always.

Caellum: I won't give up on you. No matter how many times you don't answer my damn texts, you fucker. Love you.

Emma: Babygirl, you were my first ever little sister and it pains me to even think that you're not so little anymore. You've grown so much and my heart aches to see you again. I love you I love you I love you.

Fonts: I think the fact that you've finally graduated college has automatically transitioned you into dad-hood and now you can't help but pick up the phone when I call at three in the morning :) You are seriously the best, thank you, I love you.

Mike, T & Thom: Forever and always my big brothers. I owe a lot to you.

Claire, Maeve & Sophia: Wish I could get us all together and have a ball. What a time that would be.

Aidan: Whoa whoa whoa I kinda really super duper like you, is that weird??? You're brilliant and kind and passionate and inspiring and hilarious and gorgeous so um can you stop being so perfect please? Thanks. Also, I miss you monkey.

Cast of Hadestown: Um so can you maybe leave a little talent to the rest of us please and thank you?

Emma Gonzalez: When I grow up, I wanna be just like you.

Dr. Ford: Your courage, eloquence and determination do not go unnoticed. Thank you.

Trevor Noah: Thank you for articulating such important issues and bringing them to the public. There's no place for them to hide anymore.

Michelle Obama: Please adopt me or become president or both?

All the Women Elected for Congress: LET'S FUCK IT UP LADIES

Frivvi, Maria & Emma: I owe countless restful nights to you three. What angels you are.

Alicia Keys: Always an icon. Always an inspiration.

Eddie Redmayne: You are a literal cinnamon roll. If you weren't 36 that'd be cool.

Zendaya: Marry me?

Donald Glover: You have my endless praise.

Lady Sybil: Please come back to life you were literally my favorite character and I aspire to be half the woman you were.

Tom Holland: I've already signed the adoption papers now pls come home

Barack Obama: I miss you.

Amandla Stenberg: Keep waking the people up like you do.

Noah Centineo: Hi so you don't know this yet but we're getting married and having like a thousand babies and they better all be like you I don't think I've ever crushed on anyone this fucking hard in a long ass time so pay up my dude

Willow Smith: You come from a long line of strong, brave women and you are no exception.

Billie Eilish: I can't even comprehend how someone so young already possesses the skill level that you do. Not only are you astronomically talented, but you have one of the most beautiful minds. I'm sorry it's tortured at times. I hope you make it out okay.

Ariana Grande: Woman of the Year is such an understatement. You deserve global recognition for your outstanding resilience in the past year. You crawled into hell and back and are STILL kickin'. Words can't even express how much I admire you.

Brockhampton: It's wild how fucking poetic y'all are. It's inspiring.

Lady Gaga: Perhaps the boldest most empowering woman I grew up admiring. Such talent and confidence and grace... I bow down to you, Lady.

Lin Manuel: You're still my babe :*

Bibi: Quite possibly the best I've ever had. Thank you for all that you do.

..........

How lucky am I to have so much to be thankful for?

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: It's currently way-too-fucking-late o'clock and I have a splitting headache so I need to go to bed but I love you cornflakes mucho mucho mucho :*

Turkey Day List #2

To all the beautiful creatures in my life, this is for you.

(Casually meant to post this a few days ago, oops, my bad)

..........

Mami & Papi: Thanks for teaching me that grown ups still have a lot of growing up to do.

YD & Javi: My precious bros, now and forever.

Suki: I'll see you soon, baby.

Grandma & Grandpa: Thanks for sending me an adorable card for every holiday season.

Abuelo y Abuela: Los quiero mucho. Gracias por toda su paciencia.

Lori & David: Without your care, I don't know where I'd be. I guess we're full circle now.

Titi Dorianny: You are the strongest person I know. Te quiero tantisimo <3

Tia Susan: You've been my savior this year, you really have.

Ali: Thanks for letting me invade your space, ily :*

Wilsons/Estrellas/Fishers: I know we don't all get along but we love each other just the same.

Kerrs/Doires/Martins: Thank you for always making me feel like a part of the family.

Pri: Chacha, eres mi numero 1. Sabes que te quiero ahora y siempre.

William: Words can't really begin to describe how thankful I am for you. Though our true origin story is somewhat laughable, what happened next was nothing less than magical. It's day 14 (but not like I'm counting) and you have made me feel more special than anyone else on this planet. It's still hard to believe you're real sometimes, but I guess I'll just have to get used to that. Thank you for your sweetness, your kindness and compassion, your loyalty, authenticity and support. Thank you for the phone calls that lasted more than five hours at a time. Thank you for your hugs, your kisses, and your spirit. Thank you for your Spotify playlists and for reading poetry to me. Thank you for the naps and the dance parties and all the fun in between. You are one of the kind, you are. Who knows where we'll take us, but I sure am having fun in the meantime <3

Michael, Natalia, Liam, Warren, & Jack: It's been so lovely meeting you and I cannot thank you enough for being apart of my William's life. I hope to see you all soon! (especially you, Natalia xx)

Fonts: You continue to be nothing but a constant source of happiness for me. Please make sure we make it to that seven year mark.

Mike: I love you, Sitka. Even though we've grown up and stuff doesn't mean I don't still need you.

Caellum: You worry me so much and yet parts of me believe we're two sides of the same coin. It'll be all right.

T: Hope you're doing swell, dad.

Thom: Thanks for being my first introduction to the world of magical substances. Your help was very much needed... *laughs hysterically whilst sweating*

Scotty P: Well now that I figured out you go to Middlebury, I guess I'm just gonna hafta visit ya soon, aren't I?

Claire: Girl, you keep slaying like you do. I've always looked up to you and you do not disappoint. Much love to you, babe <3

Emmalene: Hey, gorgeous. Thank you for making me smile even when you're down. You make it easy to be happy again.

Maeve: To be honest, I know neither of us talks all that much anymore but I am ECSTATIC for you and everything you do with your life. Yer a stunna.

Heather: Thank you for being a devoted blog reader, it means more than you know. Also thanks for listening to my endless nonsense rambles.

Sophia: Hello hi I'm still in love with you come adopt me sometime pls :*

Lauryn: Casually let me know when the cast list is out because I'm about to hop on that calendar and write the dates down, I have GOT to see you slay that stage. P.S: I love you so much, bby. You continue to be my crush <3

Kelila: You sweet creature, you. Thanks for all the smiles and the tears and the laughs. You deserve nothing but the best. Also, SCAD DON'T KNOW HOW LUCKY THEY JUST GOT, GO KILL 'EM.

Sarah: AHHHHH hello new best friend!!! Can't wait to turn up in Brooklyn with you! Sincerely, if y'all don't tie the knot, Imma be real upset. Jk jk no pressure but actually tho

Riley: I fuckin' love you, dude. I think about you every day. Go make the world a better place, you got this.

Megan: My better spouse, you are just so precious. I cannot imagine my life without you. I hope senior year isn't beating your ass like it did mine. I BELEAF IN YOU!

Emma: I know you're like a trillion feet taller than me now, but you're still my baby sister. Sophomore year sucks, and it will continue to suck, but the rest gets better. I promise. Your big sister loves you so very much. Thank you for being another reason not to die.

Amanda: Hey, I hope college hasn't stamped out your spirit, cuz babe, there's no one else like you.

Evan: Hey, loser. How's my best frand doin'? I miss you so much every single day and I casually might not ever give you your pants back :) jk I will it might just be a while ANYWHO, I kinda wanted to write you something that wasn't actually mean for once. You know. Something nice and wholesome. Don't worry, I'll go back to treating you like trash immediately after :) So. This is just to say you are hands down one of the BEST things that could have happened to me in my few short months at Vassar. Part of me feels like you're my long lost twin (which would explain why we treat each other like trash but also care about each other a whole lot lot lot). I dunno, dude, I miss our long walks and our trips to the Deece and walking back to Cushing while throwing shade at Noyes and I miss making fun of your tomato hands and I miss binging Narcos with you and Stranger Things and dropping classes every other day. I miss our fight club and our long chats in the basement and doing laundry and just idk existing in the same space. You mean more to me than you know. I know this all might just sound like sappy shit to you but I mean it. I love you, ya stinkin' banana. So much. Please don't forget about me while I'm gone. Okay. I'm done. Hope you had a fab Thanksgiving, fucker :)

Linnea: Hello, love. Can I just point out that you are the best roommate I've ever had? I know you probably don't believe me but guuuuuuuurl, I've seen some shit XD Anyway, this is just me telling you everything I've already said before—Linnea, my love, you are so beautiful, and so talented, and so fucking kind. Like I don't even think you understand. Your hugs and your smiles and your forehead kisses and your post its and your text messages and your radiance would just make my day. Thank you for all those times we stayed up late ordering Bacio's and watching Disney movies or Full House. Thank you for all the times you reminded me I needed to pee. Thank you for your Heath Bars on bad days and dance parties on good days. Thank you for dealing with all my crazy and all my emotional reck-ness. Thank you for unintentional twinning and for teaching me to do my eyebrows and for not judging me for my lack of clothing at all times. Thank you for stealing food from the Deece with me and for rants about pretty boys. You mean the world to me, darling. I cannot WAIT to see you again. You are such a shining star, and you better believe it. No one shines quite as brightly as you. I love you I love you I love you <3

Juliana: Mi amorrrrrrr, te extraño tanto!!! I can't wait to go back and just dance the night away with you again. For real though, you make everything more fun. You gotta teach me Portuguese sometime! Take care of Samira while I'm gone, she worries me sometimes XD

Prat: My duuuuude, I'm sorry we never quite got around to seeing each other as much as we wanted to but props for being one of my first friends at Vassar. I miss your hugs and our drunken endeavors. We gotta catch up on that next year, yeah?

Githu: Casually had a crush on you like the first week of school, oops? Hahaha no but for real though, you're drop dead gorgeous and you deserve to know that. Also I wish we saw each other more because whenever we hung out, it was a good time. Much love!!!

Moe: It looks like Cushing is going to see you around more than me now, huh?

Pedro: Keep doing your thing, dude. It's rad.

Anthony: Mijo, espero que te estes cuidando bien, ah? Cuando vuelva, tenemos que comenzar esas cenas españolas, okay?

Sergio: Esa noche que bailamos juntos fue un verdadero éxito. Aunque de verdad no ayudó que me acababa de tomar tres shots de tequila...

Ethan: Wow wow wow #1 best stufel EVER. Like, you have no idea how helpful you've been in the time that I spent at Vassar. I couldn't have done it without you.

The Night Owls-- I LOVE YOU (OWL) ALL!

Lily: Not gonna lie, was casually intimidated by you during auditions and callbacks but then learned how wacky and darling you were and fell absolutely in love!

Chiara: You are such a stunna. Like WOW I forget to sing my part whenever you're soloing because I lowkey become mesmerized at how talented you are but oh whaleeeee!

Imani: Thank you coming up to me at the activities fair and for asking me if I liked to sing. That's lowkey how I got it all started... I could never repay you for that <3

Bailey: Thank you for being my rock as I struggled through a helluva tough decision. Your help was so so so appreciated.

Jacqui: MAMA!!! I miss our mutual geekiness over superheroes and our sectionals and literally any time ever spent with you. I look up to you so so so much.

Haley: Sorta loved you from the first moment you opened your mouth. What can I say? That first impression did not lie.

Zoe: I will never forget the first time I heard you sing Trickle. My jaw literally dropped. You amaze me.

Olivia: I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T MET YOU YET, MAMA, BUT I CAN'T WAIT TO!

Emma: 5'2 CLUB! I feel like we have very similar souls and I am so thankful for your good vibes and good advice <3

Sam: You sometimes make me cry with how genuine you are. No lie, your hugs and authenticity give me life. And Hayden Elizabeth the Dinosaur, too.

Ariana: HEY THANKS FOR BEING MY QUEER CHAPERONE! IT WAS LIT!

Sab: That one mug night with you made me learn so much and I can't remember having a more entertaining time xx

Maisha: My darling Maisha, seeing your face in rehearsal was like saying hello to the sun.

Helen: My sweet Helen, your work snapchats were hella relatable and I lowkey miss them so much.

Elena: My dear Elena, your elegance and goofiness can be described as nothing more than high art.

The cast of Spring Awakening: To be completely honest, I'd wanted to be a part of this show since I was twelve years old. Even though I didn't end up being onstage with you, it meant the world to at least be chosen to be a part of it in the first place. Much love. (Also I'm expecting to see a recording soon please and thank you)

Las niñas de Cayacoa: No podría amar lo que estoy haciendo si no fuera por ustedes. Las quiero. Cuidanse bien, oyeron?

Barbara: Holy wow, I have never actually found someone who worked and well, you worked and so I'm sort of amazed. Wow wow wow good job universe for pairing us together and all :)

Aaron Tveit: What a beautiful man you are wow let's get married thank you

Ben Platt: So if I could have your babies, that would be nice. I just need them to sing. Jk jk thank you for showing me what performance is all about. Thank you for reminding me why I want to make it my profession.

Zoella: Once again, you never fail to make me smile. You've always been there, from the very beginning :)

Me: You've made it this far. I dare you to live a little longer.

..........

And those are just a few of the big ones.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Reasons Part 1

Reasons Not to Die:

1. Chipmunks
2. The smell of strawberries
3. Javier
4. All the music I haven't heard
5. Not being able to hit Evan in the stomach with my water bottle
6. Laughing
7. Drunk affirmations from Fonts
8. Car rides with Claire
9. Suki
10. Fuzzy socks

All the Important Words

The thing about writing important words is at first, no matter what, they're gonna sound like crap. And for a while now, I've been sitting here thinking of important words and the various forms they could be rearranged so they sound like something real but I guess sometimes the important stuff is just gonna sound like crap anyway. Am I making any sense? Oh, bother.

I guess my point is I'm sat here on my bed in a Vassar V-neck and it's 86 degrees outside and I've got second degree burns on my arms and legs from river rafting and I've been up for a consecutive twelve hours trying to finish a book and my owl glasses are on and my face is a mess but I pulled myself together enough so I could sit here and try to write important words.

See, I just finished reading Jennifer Niven's All the Bright Places and without spoiling anything, I can tell you that novel takes you on one heck of a ride. I speak as a teenager. I speak as a seventeen-year-old girl who knows what it's like to love someone so very much and lose them anyhow. I speak as someone who has been there, on every single side of the equation. Listen, recent events in my own life may have allowed for this book to dig a deeper hole in my heart than perhaps it may have if everything had been all right.

My parents are recently divorced.

My very good friend took her own life.

I split with my longterm boy/best friend.

The dark is creeping its way back in and my country is on the brink of revolution.

And yet I am grateful. You see, if anything, All the Bright Places has made me feel more Awake than ever. If you ever read the book (which I highly recommend you do), you'll know what that means. It's just... It's filled with important words—things that need to be said. About adolescence, about mental illness, about friendships, relationships, people, life. We're all just people trying to understand one another and sometimes we think we speak the same language when really, we should be paying more attention to our dialect.

I don't know if that made sense.

In any case, I was in the kitchen a couple of minutes ago, sleep deprived and eating a shitty apple, when suddenly I wanted nothing more than to shout all the important words—loud enough for all the important people to hear.

I love you. More than anything.

Don't leave me.

Please.

I wanted to beg but then the important people would have been alarmed and thought I'd gone insane.

But maybe I am.

Maybe we're all insane and we're all just trying to get by as quickly and quietly and unnoticed as possible?

I'm hungry again. The apple was spoiled, anyway.

I look up at the mirror on my wall and I quite literally feel as though I've aged in the past twelve hours. I can't begin to explain... Just... Like it's just finally there was someone in the world who knew. She knew, and she grabbed the important words and arranged them perfectly and wrote them down and now they're out in the world.

Sue me for having a marshmallow heart, it came with the package.

I need to get my mind off this book, off the fatigue, off the feverish sunburn, so I open my closet and rummage for nail polish.

Only I just remembered I'm shit at painting nails.

My arms look puffy. I think they're swollen from the burn.

I sometimes think my thoughts are much like an angry sunburn: light and near unnoticeable at first, but building in color, building in rage as time goes on; painful and red and stubborn and unflinching when pulled; stinging and burning and seething when touched.

I stand up and feel the skin pull taut around my knees, like rubbery leather. Those for sure will leave an ugly tan.

I wish I could make all these thoughts more cohesive. I'm not really sure which direction I'm going in anymore.

But none of us do.

It's all a mystery and who knows, maybe that's the best part.

I tried to take a nap but all I could think of were Luc and Rosie.

And then all the people who were taken too soon.

What if Matt hadn't fallen asleep and what if Genji had worn a seatbelt and what if Ben hadn't been drinking that night and what if Luc had warned someone and what if someone had just known about Rosie, what if...?

I miss them all so much it hurts.

I dreamt of Rosie and of Luc and just pictured myself hugging them and apologizing over and over and over, tears streaming down my face and they just looked down at me and smiled and patted my head and didn't say a word.

But they were right there. Right in front of me and I couldn't do a damn thing to save them now.

It just didn't seem real. None of it seems real. It's been months and months and none of it seems real.

I suspect it's the sort of pain one doesn't ever really get over, just learns to cope with.

To all my important people:

Know that you are loved. You are so loved and like it or not, you are a part of every single person you've met. You have changed them and become a part of their story and goodness gracious, they would not be where they are today if it weren't for you.

Know that you are needed. I need you. Holy fuck, do I need you. Don't you dare leave me. Not anytime soon.

Know that time will heal. I sound like a right hypocrite because I'm guilty of tricking myself into believing none of it will ever be okay again. But that's simply not true. You've got to believe that someday, you will be okay again. Things will be okay again. And if it's not okay, it's not the end.

I suspect my train of thought has dragged you all over the place by now. I'm sorry.

My mind is a messy place, but you already knew that.

I'm hungry. I should probably go do something about that.

Take care of yourselves, please. Treat yourself like you would a small child.

I love you.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya