Turkey Day List #2

Quick lil note: I am the worst at turning things in on time, even things like this. So bear with me pls. Pretend I posted this a whole month ago, cool thanks.

You know how this goes.

Mami & Papi: Change is inevitable. We are always growing, always learning, always evolving. It is not easy. I am proud of you. I love you both. With every fiber of my being. Please don't give up on yourselves. You have so much more to do. It is so close! You are so close! Sí se puede!

Yan Diego: I heckin worry about you sometimes, you piece of shit. Thanks for not being an asshole to me 100% of the time and also I think you're super talented and amazing and I brag about you every chance I get oops.

Javi: Dude you need to stop growing, it's kinda gross. Also please move to this side of the planet. We miss you so much it hurts sometimes.

Natasha: Life works in mysterious ways and even though the leadup kinda sucked ass, I'm glad the universe brought you to live with us. It's been such a blessing having you around and I don't think we could have gotten through the past six months without you <3

Suki: Mi amor bella y preciosa! No te apures, que ya ahorita llegamos a verte!

Nutella: Sigue haciendo tu cosa, nena.

Cinnamon: I hope you are enjoying your many naps on Grandma's lap, sweet girl.

Phoenix Emilio Salem Cruz: Natasha knew immediately that she was gonna take you home. How could she not? You fluffy black ball of fur, you. You've turned her into the wackiest cat mom out there, good job ;)

Sansa Scout Westley Wilson: You crazy, possessed demon, how I love you. I can't wait to get back to Vermont so I can force you to love me (even though you already do <3)

Abuelo & Bianelly: Son mis ídolos y le pido a Dios que puedan mudarse a la Florida seguramente.

Abuela: Sé que no siempre te entiendo pero mi mayor deseo es que jamás dudes cuanto te amo. Eres tan amada. Más que crees.

Grandma & Grandpa: I miss you guys so much and am super ready to see you guys at YD's graduation. It's been too long.

The Wilson-Fishers: Ditto.

Tío John & Gaby: You guys inspire me every day.

Joel, Melissa, Luis, & Noah: I'm so happy you guys are in my life, you don't even know. We have to make up for lost time but that shouldn't take us long :) I love you ALL to infinity and beyond!!!

Pri & Ana: My oldest friends. Las quiero more than you'll ever know.

Newsies Yamily: You pulled me out of the void when I needed it most. I Never Planned on No One Like You.

CJ & Nat: You two are the best thing that ever came from Newsies. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life <3

My grown-up babes, Lauryn, Kelila, Soren, Riley, Megan, Jay, Emma, & Julia, and my even older babes, Amanda, Caellum, Fonts, Mike, Claire, Thom, Sophia, Brandt, Tiernan, & Maeve: Everything I am today is because of every single one of you. I am so proud of and so thankful to each of you. I love you I love you I love you.

Jessica: You lunatic. I am SO lucky Vassar decided to pair me with you. I can't imagine myself with any other roommate. You make living with another person so easy (seeing as we're basically the same person in all the horrible ways) and coming home to you at the end of the day makes my heart happy <3 Here's to another semester of corndog eating and wine sipping and cliche movie bashing.

Charlotte & Leila: I'M SO GLAD WE'RE HALL NEIGHBORS LIKE I'M VERY HAPPY YOUR ROOM IS TWO FEET AWAY FROM OURS AND THAT WE CAN GO ON FUN MIDNIGHT ADVENTURES TOGETHER WE MUST DO THAT MORE OFTEN KAY THANKS LOVE YOU

Miles, Garret, Robin, & Sarah: I couldn't ask for a sweeter group of hallmates. You guys have my back, always.

Gabby: MOMMMMMM you are truly the best mom and I am convinced we are the best fellow group. Case closed.

Chloe: Hey thanks for being the coolest drama mentor EVER ;) I'm amazed at how you and I are so alike and how it's taken us this long to notice. I appreciate every moment I have with you, babe.

Linnea: You're a nut and I love you way more than eleven goat. More like eleven alpaca, cuz I feel like alpacas could kick a goat's ass.

The other Beats Suite members, Martin, Juliana, Ranza, Graham (& Jack): Thanks for letting me invade your space and for letting me love you unconditionally even though you sometimes have entire conversations with sounds and not real words and it makes me want to rip my head off :)

The Martins: Thanks for adopting me and for babysitting Saoirse and Soraya for me while I'm away <3

Evan: 'Sup loser. Thanks for picking me up from dates I don't want to be at and for bringing me food and watching drug-related shows with me and for not getting killed in Jiu-Jitsu.

Tessa: My dearest Tessa, you absolute goofball, I am so happy to know you and to be in your life. I look forward to so many more late-night chats and Saturday brunches. We'll have a grand old time.

Madison: Oh dear god, I couldn't be happier to know we're in Owls together at the same time in this universe. I couldn't bear missing a single one of your snarky remarks or witty banter. Keep unpacking, the world needs more of that.

Emma: Owls couldn't have ended up with a better pitch. You lead with such compassion and hard work and care. You help us all create seriously beautiful music and still manage to keep us laughing. We are all thankful for you, babe.

Sam: My darling Sammy, no one in this entire world has a heart bigger than yours. Whether you know it or not, you've brightened so many lives with your smile and your dino and your kind words. Please don't ever leave my life; I'd be lost without you.

Sabrina: Thank you for living your best, powerful life every second of every day. I have no doubt in my mind that you would do anything for any of your fellow owls—your loyalty is truly admirable. You are the living definition of Big Dick Energy. Also please connect me to the gay world I'm so scared kay thanks <3

Ariana: You are quite frankly (and I do not say this lightly) the FUNNIEST person I have ever met. Whether you mean to or not, your timing is always impeccable and I've had to stop myself from peeing at your jokes on several occasions. Also, you are so sweet and the Peace Corps are SO lucky to have you.

Maisha: First off, goddess. Second of all, marry me. Thirdly, you are truly one of the kindest, most genuine humans I have ever had the privilege of meeting. That, and you've got a voice of pure velvet. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Elena: You absolute ray of sunshine! How I've missed you! I am beyond thrilled to have you back next semester because that means we'll all get to experience your radiant aura and the joy it brings.

Helen: I am so proud of you. Truly, you've been through some shit and yet you continue to wake up each morning and absolutely glow. Can't wait to have you back in the nest :)

Alexa: Hey lovely! I know we haven't spent much time together yet but I am SO excited to get to know you better and sing sweet, sweet music with you!

Gracie: I aspire to one day be as carefree, self-assured and talented as you are. Thanks for being a goof and 100% yourself at all times. It does not go unappreciated.

Alexandra: Hi hello I'm quite convinced you are an ethereal being not remotely from this world and you're posing as a down to earth, incredibly kind, witty human with the voice of a folky forest nymph. PS: You were the greatest Secret Snowflake ever! ILY <3

Delila: Laugh all you want but I've always been in awe of how poised and graceful and effortlessly cool you seem in every single situation. Also, ohmygod you're so weird.

Cameron: If Stevie Nicks ever had a daughter, she'd be you. You absolutely blow me away.

Eloise: You wild Aussie, you. I'm so hyped I get to spend the next four years singing with you, love!

Derek: Another year with you as my friend :)

Luke, Kota, Ben & Jared: I've learned so much from you.

Paul O'Connor: I'm in love with you, didn't you know? But also, I'm sure your girlfriend is delightful so don't mind me.

Greta Thunberg: You are so powerful. Thank you for being the voice many others don't have.

Zendaya: We've been here before. Hi, I'm your future wife.

Hunter Schafer: My newest, queerest obsession. Everything about you. I love you so much.

Eva Noblezada: No one has ever drawn me in so quickly.

Lauren, Maria, Emma, TingTing, Darya, Gibi, Sarah, Grace, Mads, Erin, Chiara, Abby, Bekah, Jojo, & Caroline: My sweet angels of sleep, how I love you.

The Weinreichs: The things you've done for my family I could never repay.

Madrina: I could not afford my school books otherwise. I miss you all so very much.

Barbara: Thank you for keeping my head intact.

Titi: I see you everywhere. Thank you for not disappearing on me. Te quiero.

I am so blessed.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Sleepless in Portsmouth

Hello peoples :)

I can't sleep so here we go. A pointless, mind-numbing list of questions none of you needed answers to.

..........

1. Where were you 3 hours ago?

In St. Benet's, serving my time in study hall -_-

2. Who are you in love with?

CJS, the silly goofball he is. But quite honestly, I am also completely and utterly in love with my best friends.

3. Have you ever eaten a crayon?

Not that I know of, although little Maya coulda had real questionable culinary taste back in the day...

4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

My water bottle is more of a magenta but sure, let's go with pink.

5. When is the last time you went to the mall?

Uhhhh not really sure...? Must've been close to a month ago, maybe?

6. Are you wearing socks right now?

YES I AM AND THEY'RE FUZZY AND THEY HAVE FOX FACES ON THEM.

7. Does your family have a car worth over $2,000?

I don't know the first thing about cars and I don't pay the least attention to prices and brands.

8. When was the last time you drove out of town?

Um. Well. Ya see. I can't drive, so.

9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?

No and that makes me incredibly sad.

10. Are you hot?

Wow. If we're talking temperature right now, I'll go with heck yeah.

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?

AGUA!!! Gotta keep the bod hydrated, chafeel? ;)

12. What are you wearing right now?

A light blue Henley, my glasses, the Abbey's classic grey sweatpants, and FOX SOCKS!

13. Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?

What an interesting question. I'm sure once I learn to drive and yaknow, OWN A CAR, I'll be able to answer that for ya.

14. Last food that you ate?

Girl Scout Thin Mints. Sue me. They're freakin' delicious.

15. Where were you last week at this time?

Exact same spot.

16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?

You think I actually have time to go out shopping? That's cute.

17. When is the last time you ran?

HA. From class to the dining hall. I've got my priorities straight.

18. What’s the last sporting event you watched?

What is a "sports"?

19. What is your favorite animal?

DOLPHINS <3 Although squirrels are seriously up there, the freakin' munchkins they are.

20. Your dream vacation?

A restaurant crawl through Italy.

21. Last person’s house you were in?

Probably Conor's?

22. Worst injury you’ve ever had?

Uhhhh well I sprained my groin pretty badly two years ago. It was not a good time.

23. Have you ever been in love?

Yes, sir, I have. It's terrifying and absolutely beautiful at the same time.

24. Do you miss anyone right now?

Mami and Papi, mostly. And Suki <3

25. Last play you saw?

The Children's Hour at The Gamm Theatre.

26. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?

You could ask CJS. I honestly have no clue.

27. What are your plans for tonight?

It's Thursday. I'm in bed. It's nearly midnight. What do you think I'm about to do?

28. Who is the last person you sent a MySpace message or comment?

So uh, the thing is, MySpace can only be found within the ancient fossils of the interwebs. And I am a mere young'un. 

29. Next trip you are going to take?

Shipping up to Boston for Berklee 2k17. Get HYPED!

30. Ever go to camp?

I've gone to several. Most were miserable experiences.

31. Were you an honor roll student in school?

Yes, indeed.

32. What do you want to know about the future?

WHAT KIND OF DOG WILL I HAVE WHEN I'M MARRIED OHMYGOD I NEED TO KNOW

33. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?

Not at the moment, no.

34. Are you due sometime this year for a doctor’s visit?

Probably. My mom kinda takes care of all of that...

35. Where is your best friend?

Scattered around all different parts of the world.

36. How is your best friend?

What does that even mean? They're good, I guess?

37. Do you have a tan?

I'm the lightest Latina you'll ever come across.

38. What are you listening to right now?

The Yoga & Meditation playlist on Spotify.

39. Do you collect anything?

Playbills. I'm a real theatre nerd, I know.

40. Who is the biggest gossiper you know?

Mrant Batthews anyone?

41. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?

Once again, I DO NOT ADULT YET.

42. Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?

I guesso? Not typically, though.

43. What does your last text message say?

"FUCK IT'S OUT" -Claire

44. Do you like hot sauce?

Ew no no no.

45. Last time you took a shower?

Yesterday evening I think?

46. Do you need to do laundry?

Heck yes. I've missed two weeks already; I'm living in a pig sty.

47. What is your heritage?

Dominican-American and proud :)

48. Are you someone’s best friend?

I should hope so.

49. Are you rich?

In many ways, yes. In many other ways, no.

50. What were you doing at 12AM last night?

Tossing and turning because of this wicked head cold that's decided it's never gonna go away.

..........

There you have it, folks. A pointless post created for the mere intention of keeping me entertained for a brief period of time.

Anyway, I hope you're all feeling healthier than me.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Omniscient

Hello lovelies. Those of you who know me have known for quite some time that I keep a list of quotes on me always. You say some funny shit—I write it down. That's how that works.

Now, I will say I planned on waiting 'til the end of my senior year to post this, but I'm a tad bit impatient and I've already waited a good, long two and a half years so now's as good a time as ever. Another thing I should probably mention is a lot of these won't make sense unless you know the person saying it. Since it's impossible to expect all my readers to know each other, I've decided to exclude names from this post. That reason and also just so no one gets accidentally offended or in trouble :)

Look at me being all responsible.

Last disclaimer before I let you loose: some of these were said by me, others (possibly and most probably the more offensive ones) were said by my dearest friends and companions, so if you are easily offended, I suggest you leave now.

If you are easily amused, by all means, stay. Stay a while and see how long it takes before confusion consumes you :)

Onwards.

..........

"Love is when you care for someone even though they suck."

"Good for you, Maya. It takes balls to be hated that much."

"Baby steps but NO BABIES!!!"

"What kind of a name is Allcock? That's like saying my last name is Allpussy!"

"They hate us cuz they ain't us."
"They hate us cuz they butthole?"

"In a world filled with darkness, disco is the light."

"Sozanski, what is the number one difference between you and successful people? Your hair."

"Listen, Sozanski, your hair has to GLISTEN! Everyone knows redheads have more fun."

"Stupid ass gurl, if I wanted some milk I woulda gone to the kitchen!"

"I love you with my entire soup."

"Duck is literally just dirty chicken."

"I don't think they actually thought I was dead..."

"Yeah Anny, get with the lesbian fucking times."

"Look at the people, they hide in plane sight, u gotta find the overalls through the over-somes."

"Wow I wish people cheered for me just for existing."

"Sozanski, you're not a squirrel!!"

"I can find my own porn!"

"Anny, I'm warning you right now, if I hear your voice one more time, I'm kicking you out of this dorm and my life."

"Bite me."
"Nah, you probs taste like tree bark."

"You can't half ass that, you gotta full ass that."

"I know, but who the fuck cares what I think? I always think I'm the shit."

"Everybody's got a dick...in here."
*points to heart*

"There needs to be more jiggle."

"Change my watuh muthafucka."

"MY UTERUS IS BEING A DICK."

"Don't like grope the heart."

"She looks like the green goblin."
"Except she's black."

"I talk a lot but I don't really like to."

"Go back to white man land. Jesus."

"When I lived there, I lived there a lot."

"Pocketful of pocketful of pocketful of lint."

"Here I am, a common European stew with extra potato."

"I'm a hater because I'm cranky and old."

"I sound ignorant."
"You are ignorant."

"Because Conor's a dramatic bitch, that's why."

"I just don't want deer to jump out, it's just like stay the fuck home."

"Conclusion: peanuts are just edible kangaroos."

"She's from Ohio!! That's not even south!!!"

"I kinda wanna be a rock. But like a pretty one."

"We're gonna be run over by muskrats ugh."

"That's a big ass valley."

"Seriously, what is this UFO business? We're in the middle of Ohio like what are you doing here?"

"If it's not cute, it doesn't matter."

"YEAH YOU DRINK THAT ORANGE JUICE... FUCKING SLUT!"

"Why would you ever wanna live somewhere that rhymes with loin?"

"Because it's a meme! Memes are forever."

"Who drinks vodka casually???"

"I don't have back sweat!"

"Did you know there's ice cream for dogs?"
"Yeah, it's called your ass."

"I'M TELLING YOU--WU WEI IS THE WAY TO GO!"

"I cleaned my earhole out."

"My favorite part of the day is when Papi gives up."

"MAYA NO! No passive aggressive life hating!"

"Then you've gotta be the best poop you can be."

"That's why we need Drake, to split up Kansas."

"Just because you have an earring and a girlfriend doesn't make you the alpha."

"He looks like the messed up face of John Travolta."

"The Godfather took place in where?"
"In the DR."
"You haven't even seen that movie."

"Maya, there's no yinyang in this bullshit."

"After you live in a castle, everything else is just mildly disappointing."

"THE MOON IS A LIE!"

"Everyday is leg day in the castle."

"Hey, guys, look! It's a rare specimen. Here we have a special snowflake. Hey, hey you, would you like some attention?"

"That bull's just like pissed off at a ROCK."

"Farts are the ghosts of meals past."

"Good luck with your butthole!"

"Waaaagaaaaa mama. Wagamama!!!"

"If you have at least one leg, you are a cat."

"We came, we saw, we puffined."

"Puffins are literally fruit-beaked penguins. They're so cute!"
"They're all extinct."

"Time to dangle our rectums, guys!"

"GET GLUC-ED!"

"Look, Irish cracker eats Irish cracker."

"Look, it's a Gubbeen. Theeeeeenks!"

"Claire, matches are illegal, didn't you know that?"
"Yeah, well, so are you, Maya, but you're still here."

"Everybody knows Hitler loved apples!!"

"I'm not a landfish, guys."

"Nuuuu Michelleee!"

"Don't put my blood on your pasta."

"I hope you're mildly inconvenienced for the rest of your life."

"You're a dumbledweeb."

"Do you want a little applesauce conscience on your shoulder?"

"I will crack your ribs until you die."

"I'm gonna do this til you hurt."

"Believe it or not, I don't need any fox dick."

"Is that Zootopia porn version?"

"Cups are for weenies."

"MY ROOM IS GONNA BE NEXT TO A FIELD OF PONIES!!!"

"What's a mandril?"
"It's a lowkey mammoth."

"I am absolutely fifty shades of not okay."

"What they don't tell you is that Spiderman probably has cancer."

"Glitter is the herpes of the craft world."

"That's one of the few things I'm quite sure about. Your arm will not turn into a dolphin."

"I feel like a coupon book."

"Passing tacks sounds like one of the least fun things you could possibly do."

"I AM THE ULTIMATE CHICKEN NUGGET!"

"Do all mammals give live birth?"
"No, all mammals as opposed to platapu."
"Platapu???"

"The rooster doesn't just like hump the egg."
"No! The rooster doesn't 'do' the egg!"
"So you don't get to pick who your baby daddy is?"

"What if flamingos could drive?"

"Alright I'm gonna do the twist-twist now."
"That sounds like some sort of martial art."

"My name is Caellum Kerr, therefore, asshole."

"So like... No homo man but like... Can I kiss you?"

"You're not just Maya, you're FUCKING Maya!"

"Oh look! Those look like dirty clouds!"

"Meningitis? Why can't it be Womanengitis?"

"Caellum's a salty mama."

"Hockey games are where grown men fight each other."
"Wait, old men find each other??"

"I'M SORRY YOU DONT HAVE A PENIS!"

"Literally, life decisions not on fleek."

"Don't let the turkeys getcha down."

"BUT IT'S SO SCARY AND I HAVE A KNOT THE SIZE OF ECUADOR ON MY SHOULDER."

"We get attached to the weirdest things, Maya: marshmallow robots and founding fathers."

"Why did I read 'campus' as 'cramps'?"
"Well, they're basically the same thing."

"Here, let me pull myself up on iTunes real quick."

"Wait they're all naked?! That's super funny!!!"

"What kind of a name is Gretchen Weiners?"

"WHY THE FUCK DO WOMEN ENDURE ALL THE BULLSHIT IN THIS WORLD?!"

"I will be quiet like a little mole."

"Well if you have a fat wrist then congratu-fucking-lations!"

*white girl voice*
"No friends, same problems. #relatable"

"Welcome to the Portsmouth Abigail, where nothing works and you want to die most of the time."

"It might be my ego and giant superiority complex, but I feel like we're doing a lot better than your other section... Plus Matias is in that section."

*tiny children walk by*
"Oh look, it's your brethren."

"Maya's a Mexican supremacist now. It's like the real south will rise again."

"Biblical sexual is my personal favorite."

"Hannah I'm gonna cry."
"Don't cry, you don't have time."

"STOP THROWING THINGS AT ME."

"I thought it would be a good idea to put my head down for a while and then the entire continent of Asia started playing the piano."

"Who run the world? David."

"Yeah, sure, could I just have a slice of the pink girly gay pirate one?"

*raises hand*
"I can't catch things. There's a reason I do drama..."

"You look like a fish."

"I'm just gonna pretend like my whole life is very together."

"Did you salt your cucumber?"

"...But here's my number, so Call Me--"
"Never."

"...as he tried to throw mayonnaise on my body..."

"Juneau, Alaska, Juneau  Alaska, Juneau  Alaska, Juneau  Alaska, Juneau  Alaska, Juneau  Alaska, Juneau, Alaska, Juneau, Alaska, Juneau, Alaska, Juneau, Alaska."

"Keep the collar up and the haters out."

"She sounds like a man when she coughs."

"Yo pretend my hand is a cookie."

"Javier is very literal, his world is black and white."
"No, it's not. It's full of colors!"

"He's always so lonely when he poops."

"MY THRIFTY BITZ BRINGS ALL THE KITTIES TO THE YARD AND THEY'RE LIKE MM I LIKE THRIFTY BITZ"

"I'd rather be a whore than die."

"....MASTURBATION...."
"Ewww."

"I'm surprised that didn't come out of your ass."

"Maya, I am as single as they come. I am ALWAYS on the menu."

"Go read your dick book."

"You know what happens in Ireland. You go as two, you come back as three."

"My Jesus is better than your Jesus."

"Yo, when I had a pixie cut, I literally looked like I was gonna steal some guy's shoes."

"Dye is for eggs, not people."

"Real platforms have curves."

"When I say Mother you say Theresa. Mother!"
"Theresa!"

"Dean, you can't just monopolize AIDS!"
"Yes, I can, I'm gay!"
"Yeah? Well, I'm African!"

"The struggles of having a big butt: you knock down dinosaurs."

"Can we listen to music?"
"When I speak, it's kinda like music."

"I love to eat dead babies."

"If I ended up writing a script about Spongebob, it would end up being torture porn."

"And then Maggie kicked her in the vagina."

"Do you think I'm a good dancer?"
"Well, you're Spanish and stuff..."

"Wait, THE CAT HAD AIDS?!"

"Did you know that there's an illness that makes you see sound?"
"Yeah, it's called acid."

"I'm not Obama, okay?!"

"We're done looking at women!"

"Kill your inner child!"

"Make it funny!"

"Yo, he's talking to the people having sex on the mat."

"I am Jesus."

"Maya, just TAKE THE CAKE!"

"...and everyone's BITCHING at the pub..."

"And sometimes your Mountain Dew just Mountain Don't."

"So what are we doing today?"
"Uh...well I'm currently inside Alex Barlow so..."

"No, this is like my crack."

"Hey Fonts? Mount and Dew me."

"I don't think I've ever given this note before, but swing your noodle in the fog."

"All day Avery Dey!"

"Urgh the bread just grazed my face."

"And that one... Well that one I guess would be the crotch."

"I'm a little tea pot short and stout, google that shit and call me out."

"I'm having iced-milk."

"Yan Diego, your sausage is falling off the bed!"

"Wait, Steve Jobs died?"
"Ohmygod where have you been?"
"But isn't he rich?"
"Oh, yeah, I forgot rich people don't die."
"Really?!"
"No, Javier, he died."
"Wait, but he's still rich?"

"Aww, look at all those horses!"
"Those are llamas."

"What's the difference between gelato and pistachio?"

"At my school they call it the train and the train hole."

"Now softly caress, now slowly undress--"
"Now clean up your mess."
"Why you gotta make it weird, Dad?"

"No! Don't hug me, I'm still sad!"

"If I were the creator of Apple and I died, I'd just shut it all down so no one could have anything else. If I can't have it, no one else can."

"Don't touch my nose! I have sharp boogers and they hurt!"

"I need to crap so hard !" *cries*

"Mami, can I ask you something? What's the meaning of life? And also, why did the chicken cross the road?"

"I'm a monastery! I don't even know what that means."

"Wanna use old hand sanitizer?"

"What if I use pants that are against their religion?"

"Imagine if this was vegan water!"

"I need to take a shih tzu."

"See? Liv enjoyed the joke!"
"That's because she's on drugs."

"Look! The bees are hibernating!"
"Javier, bees don't hibernate..."
"Oh."

"Suki looks so fat now."
"She's like a mini you!"

"Yeah, they just shrivel up and die. It's beautiful."

"You recorded me snoring? You're officially disowned."

"Maya don't get addicted to advil, if you're going to get addicted to a drug, do a weird one."

"Whoa, that's a lotta llamas."
"Javier, those are sheep."
"What's a sheep?"

"He's such a wet noodle."

"I get sweat mustaches on my eyebrows after P.E."

"Alpacas, llamas, sheep, same thing."

"Sibling compliments aren't compliments unless there are insults involved."

"Being at boarding school is like being pregnant. You're busy for nine months and you get weird cravings and you're always tired and you get mood swings and everything bugs the shit out of you."

"Max is so salty, her tears are all dried up."

"I don't have feelings, I have attitudes."

"But is he really gay? Or is he just southern?"

"Everyone should drop dead."
"YOU should drop dead...but gently."

"Fuck you. Fuck your whole family. For twelve centuries."

"How different would you say are the DNA of a dolphin and like...Jay?"

"Ugly people shouldn't have good names."

"You are not a priest. You cannot put things into my mouth."

"You're like a Canadian goose!"

"All hardcore people have plants."

"Marriage is a good end point, especially when they own a palace."

"So when someone says 'sick bro', they do not mean they are necessarily diseased. In fact they mean that the person is quite awesome."

"Maya, don't take my puns for granite. I'm getting real sedimental."

"He's not God, but like almost."

"That's not dancing, that's having a seizure."

"There is no life, there is only death."

"To be stoned or not to be stoned?"

"I am the asparagi!"

"I feel like you can't say all those things without blushing or going to Hell."

"You guys ready for this? ...Tigger El Dorado."

"Ugly people should just go home."

"Can we have chicken alpaca for dinner?"

"Eww now it's a chap ball."

"Oh my god... WE'RE FRUITS😭"

"I'm a whore and I like books!"

"Don't piss on your work!"

"Let's go back to mating you."

"I need you guys to give me more head!"

"Way way way back when, a cell found this mitochondria and just decided to hang out and was like 'cool, this is chill'."

"I was gonna say... Most of us look like Pater Noster."

"Please have a bad day everyday--that was great!"

"Wait so are you guys gonna sing the Pasta Noster now?"

"I love Canadians!"

"I must die mainly in Canada."

"Paint me like one of your French girls!"

"Well Kevin's drunk."

"Not having a soul is good."

"Voice of an angel, body of a beanstalk."

"No! You're not part of the banter!"

"...so because I'm one morbid motherfucker..."

"But like what if I text him with a British accent?"

"I like to touch my face when I'm in class."

"Okay so I was standing on the couch in the computer room like... Hitting a pumpkin... Because I have a lot of feelings."

"I JUST HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS I PROMISE I'M NEVER LIKE THIS."

"I just feel very noodle-y!"

"I hate talking about breathing because it makes me want to breathe and I hate that."

"Alcohol does not solve any problems, but neither does milk."

"You know Maya? Money can't buy you happiness, but somehow crying in a Mercedes Benz sounds better than crying on the street."

"Thanks five!"
"Who's Clive?"

"That sounds like 'oh yeah, I'm studying fuckin' Aristotle and Vaginies'!"

*drops toothbrush in the sink*
"NOOOOOOOO😭😭😭"

*cries*"What on earth what's wrong, Hannah?"
"I'M GONNA GET EBOLA NOW😭"

"Dang it, my butt is covered in salt!"

"Excuse me while I part the sea."

"BUT NO because they're not supposed to be sweet, they're VEGETABLES! And then it's just like WHAT AM I EATING?!"

"Maya, life is arbitrary. Worst comes to worst, just become a prostitute."

"Prostitution will always be there for you."

"FUCK MY ASS. FUCK THIS ASS."

"I can't do this. I'm looking at cakes in a restaurant from the Baltimore airport. I'm not gonna get a cake from the Baltimore airport because they are very large and I don't need to consume that many calories... I don't think... No... I'm not diabetic."

"My heart hurts. I'm so done."
"That's so sad."
"It's kay, this is normal."

"You're irrelephant."

"I feel like 'you're so cute' has become code for 'you're insane'"

"YOU'RE like a pilot... Of a submarine... that DOESN'T WORK!"

"Oh, I thought you were a man."

"D to the E to the L to the uh... I don't know how to spell delicious..."

"So do you have your license now?"
"Nah, I'll get it in the spring, I'm too tired."

"Speaking of cleaning our skulls, we need to buy more Q-tips."

*points at a broken lamp*
"Oh look that's me some days."

"Hi I'm Taj and this is Ma Hal."

"She's breathing in my eyeball."
"Ahh, I love it when mothers do that."

"You just gotta flick your inner thighs; it'll wake you up a bit."

"Speaking of death, how does sleep sound to you?"

"I was like 'Do I look like I have AIDS?' And they were like 'Yes'."

"Maya, come here or Imma spill lemon juice on you."

"My friend's mother-in-law once knew a guy named Sandy Wieners."
"That's so unfortunate."

"What's Magooch?"

"You're like Bigfoot but small."

"Yan Diego, stop looking at things with your hands."

"I'm giving you makeup cuz you need it."

"I'm talking to this girl whose name is like a tree."
"Wait what was it again?"
"I dunno Bamboo or somethin."

"I blew my nose and margarita came out."

"First I went for your penis, then for your neck."

"What? That's not even a good name! Why didn't you say Jim or something?"

"See I wish I were a senior right now. Actually, just kidding I don't have my life together enough yet."

"Writing section was just an excuse to verbally assault Dom."

"Bread is like pizza that's lost all aspirations in life."

"No, bitch, I sat here before you! I don't care if you're handicapped!"

"How do you feel about buying me a $125,000 pony?"

"So what? I WANT THE BREAKFAST SANDWICH!"

"What do you call a cold puppy sitting on a rabbit?"
"I wanna say hash browns...?"

"Wait but LOOK AT MY CORE oh nope just kidding I fell."

"Do I need to give Conor Smith worksquad for missing your recital?"

"I've made it my mission to coax the Outies out of the closet."

"Do they even celebrate prom in Alaska?"

"...I forgot how to eat a cupcake."

"Hang on, I've got a Eucharist stuck in my throat."

"My phone connection has to stop sucking dick."

"BUT WHERE IS ITS PENIS I DON'T UNDERSTAND😭?!"

"Do chickens even have sex?"

"Fucking number two! That little girl... I was like I will break you with my pinky!"

"Don't be Nemo. I'll kick Nemo's ass."

"Get your quesadilla ass outta here."

"WHY'D YOU KILL ME?!"
"So I could take your money."

"Ew, Javier put your toe back in your sock!"

"Did u throw your phone into the Atlantic fucking ocean and then dog paddle to retrieve it?"

"You have a really saggy neck."

"Snoopy's such a baller."

"Plus my fiancé is a jew. So that's fun."

"Where have you been? I run my own brothel."

"I thought you said 'Is Papa Gino's Chilean?'"

"Alright, you know the hunting sign with the deer and the antlers and stuff? For the longest fucking time I had no idea what it was. I thought it was a dancing man and I'd just be like man, why there so many fucking dancing men everywhere?"

"Claire's a pimp."

"How's the cake, you BITCH?!"

"Our nation may be dying but we're still racist as FUCK!"

"I feel very okay with using all of you for your bodies."

"Shut up I'm not Mongolian! I'm Filipino!"

"He has a WOMBBBB!!!!"

"Shut up, child, I birthed you."

"In the blood tests they always say everything's fine but then I'm like 'okay, bitch, obviously everything is not fine!'"

"Ooo look at me I'm Maya and I'm edgy cuz I dye my hair and rip my tights."

"Max, which is your least favorite limb?"

..........

I honestly have no idea how I got here. I have weird friends/family. Don't judge.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed!

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya 

P.S: It was Papa Kerr's bday today and he is my favorite human ever so he deserves a shoutout. I LOVE YOU!