Insomnia Never Gets Old

 Been a while since I took to the blog to attempt to hack my insomnia. 

Honestly, it feels like I'm fourteen again, dreading nighttime because even though I may have been a bear in another life, I can't get my stupid human body to cooperate and go the fuck to sleep. I used to take melatonin for it but it always left me feeling groggy in the morning. Then years passed and one psychiatrist or another prescribed Trazodone, which I can only describe as horse tranquilizer. It knocked me out for a full twenty-four hours so I opted not to continue it. Thanks a lot for wasting an entire day of my life -_-

I stayed at my dad's last night 'cuz yesterday was his 57th birthday and Yan Diego and I wanted to celebrate it by going out to dinner, just the three of us. It was really nice. The bro and I split a chicken Milanese salad while my dad ordered a spinach-mushroom type risotto (which I obviously stole some bites of because DUH). After dinner, we all ventured off to buy beer except I forgot about the laws on selling alcohol after 8pm in most places, so a gas station selection would have to do. Papi and YD both chose their faves while I hung back; wasn't much feeling the need for alc. Then the sweetest man running the counter rang us up and handed me two lollipops (presumably because he thought I was underage and was feeling left out by not getting my own drinks). Now, I'm fully twenty-two years old and 10000000% could've legally bought my own if I wanted, but I'll take free lollipops any day.

We ended up taking the long way home (with my idiot brother pausing to pee behind a bush). Once we got back, I greeted Scout and Phoenix with high-pitched affection and sat down so we could begin watching The Batman (Edward Cullen version). The movie was A THOUSAND YEARS LONG but very worth it. Of course, it didn't help that I kept having to pause every thirty minutes so I could recap what was going on... At one point I even got Yan Diego to make me an entire bowl of mac 'n cheese while recapping. Overall, I thought it was genius, brilliantly written, designed, edited, acted, etc. It did give me wicked anxiety though because the villains felt all too realistic and the misogyny some of the characters faced felt a wee bit too relatable eeek

Then Papi went to bed and I spent the next hour forcing Yan Diego to watch trash Riverdale compilations on Youtube. His old ass called it around 3am ('cuz he's a working man and all) and so we went back upstairs to the room we share. He and I haven't shared a room since I was seven and he was ten. Now we're twenty-two and twenty-five, him having taken over my mattress while I'm at college, and me occupying the couch sectional in the corner. And I know it's not like we actually share a room anymore (I'm never usually home), but something about it felt safe and familiar and old. We spent our early childhoods in Queens, NY; what feels like lifetimes later, we're in Po-town, NY. Still sharing a room. It made me long for my childhood like an absolute blubbering sap. Because here I am, twenty-two and a junior in college, feeling as tired and aged as my eighty-somethin'-year-old grandparents. 

I miss writing for fun. To feel things. To make others feel. I miss reading for pleasure. And waking up refreshed without an alarm. I miss spending all day off my phone (because I didn't have one), not a care in the world. I don't want to pay bills. I don't want to file taxes. I don't want to have to remember meetings and rehearsals and appointments. I want to wake up whenever I feel, eat sugary cereal and watch Cyber Chase. Or sit sprawled across the floor with coloring utensils. Or balled up in a hammock reading the very first Harry Potter book. I miss chocolate milk mornings and Beatles for bedtime. I miss giggling in the backseat and having no knowledge of car accidents. I miss easy homework and imagination for days. I miss my little self. I know people are always saying there's no use fixating on the past but I didn't know how quickly mine would be ripped away from me. So I'm allowed to long.

I'd forgotten what writing on here felt like. Like never-ending flutters on a keyboard, letting my thoughts dictate whatever they fancied. I'd forgotten how... freeing? it feels to ramble uninterrupted, uncensored, and with no agenda. I don't even get to do that in therapy!

I'm still feeling nostalgic and I doubt I'll make it to bed at an appropriate time but here's to trying.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

I'm Feeling Old Now

Will this be my only post this year? Let's hope not.

..........

1. What did you do in 2021 that you'd never done before?

Got my first tattoo!!! And second. And third. Got my first covid vaccine!!! And second. And third. Ordered my first legal drink. Got shwasted. Drank in front of my grandparents at my cousin's wedding. Dated a woman (whom I am still head over heels for!) Did the lesbian deed with said woman lmao. Did my first ever wine tasting *heart eyes* Said wine tasting occurred with said woman in EUROPE so, basically my life is better than yours.

2. Did you keep your New Years Resolutions and will you make more for next year?

During a parmesan panorama punani pandemmy? Resolutions? More like I've been trying to stay alive, thanks.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My cousin Chloe had a baby girl born on my same exact birthday! Baby Lily is now my birthday twin, only twenty-one years younger :)

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Riccardo. It was too soon, my dear friend.

5. What countries did you visit?

I actually have fun answers this time! And you wouldn't think it 'cuz corona but still! I, of course, spent an annoying amount of time in the US and sadly didn't get to visit DR. However, I did get to visit the love of my life in SWITZERLAND of all places??? And then we took a quick little weekend trip to France, like...  my life cannot get more romantic or romanticized than that.

6. What would you like to have in 2022 that you lacked in 2021?

Predictability. Stability. A steady income. The usual.

7. What dates from 2021 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

February. First tattoo!
March 6. My 21st Birthday!!! (also hbd Lily)
April 20. No longer a lesbian virgin lol.

July. Memphis!!!

October. Switzerland <3 France <3 Zoë <3

December 2. Death Day Debut ;)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Having the courage, determination, and the nerve to stand up for myself against my school administration when they were being classist, ableist, elitest fucks. And also getting to play a Latina character for the first time in my life—that was truly something.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Whoa there buddy, let's use some less violent language there, shall we? I wish I had noticed my value and worth in friendships and relationships sooner. I wish I had dropped people who did not serve me and realized sooner that they did not deserve me. I wish I had listened to my dear ones' warnings.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Ya girl is literally chronically mentally ill ahaha but other than that, didn't get the 'rona *knock on wood* so that's a win. I only had to put up with the lovely, delightful symptoms of aging, such as horrific tendonitis flare-ups in both my knees, among other less glamorous things.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Plane tickets to see my Zoë <3 Oh and AN iPAD FOR SCHOOL THAT LITERALLY CHANGED MY LIFE (thank you Sabrina)!!!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Not even gonna lie: mine. I did so much work on myself this past year, it's kinda wild and deserves recognition. And sure, I may not be where I want to be yet but I did some badass things that previous me never would have been able to.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?

Many, of course, but I've got someone specific in mind. No matter, she won't be making appearances around here anymore.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Take-out food binges. And plane tickets (dear god they cost as much as a mortgage).

15. What did you get really, really excited about?

My first tattoo! Getting to star in a play that centered young, powerful Latinx voices. Getting to visit my girlfriend in EUROPE?!!! Truly any time I got to see her was a gift.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2021?

Head Over Feet. Jagged Little Pill Cast.

Kiss Me More. Doja Cat ft. SZA

MONTERO. Lil Nas X.

good 4 u. Olivia Rodrigo.

Woman. Doja Cat.

Balancing the Scales. Barlow & Bear.

Heat Waves. Glass Animals.

Best Friend. Saweetie ft. Doja Cat.

Woman. Diana Gordon.

DÁKITI. Bad Bunny ft. Jhay Cortez.

34+35. Ariana Grande.

drivers license. Olivia Rodrigo.

Levitating. Dua Lipa ft. DaBaby.

space girl. Frances Forever.

Promiscuous. Nelly Furtado ft. Timbaland.

abcdefu. GAYLE.

STAY. The Kid LAROI ft. Justin Bieber.

Shivers. Ed Sheeran.
Easy On Me. Adele.

INDUSTRY BABY. Lil Nas X ft. Jack Harlow.

Bad Habits. Ed Sheeran.

Do It To It. ACRAZE ft. Cherish.

All Too Well (Taylor's Version). Taylor Swift.

Happier Than Ever. Billie Eilish.

love nwantiti (ah ah ah). CKay.

Beggin. Måneskin.

Oh My God. Adele.

SAD GIRLZ LUV MONEY Remix. Amaarae ft. Kali Uchis, Moliy

One Right Now. Post Malone ft. The Weeknd.

traitor. Olivia Rodrigo.

Smokin Out The Window. Bruno Mars, Anderson .Paak, Silk Sonic.

Need to Know. Doja Cat.

THATS WHAT I WANT. Lil Nas X.

I AM WOMAN. Emmy Meli.

Ghost. Justin Bieber.

Meet Me At Our Spot. THE ANXIETY, WILLOW, Tyler Cole.

Peaches. Justin Bieber ft. Daniel Caesar, Giveon.

Life Goes On. Oliver Tree.

edamame. bbno$ ft Rich Brian.

GHOST TOWN. Benson Boone.

Don't Go Yet. Camila Cabello.

Save Your Tears. The Weeknd ft. Ariana Grande.

Bored. Billie Eilish.

Build a Bitch. Bella Poarch.

deja vu. Olivia Rodrigo.

Rasputin. Majestic, Boney M.

Astronaut in the Ocean. Masked Wolf.

Heartbreak Anthem. Galantis ft. David Guetta, Little Mix.

I GUESS I'M IN LOVE. Clinton Kane. 

telepatía. Kali Uchis.

Leave The Door Open. Bruno Mars, Anderson .Paak, Silk Sonic.

MAMMAMIA. Måneskin.

In Da Getto. J Balvin ft. Skrillex.

We're Good. Dua Lipa.

Beautiful Mistakes. Maroon 5 ft Megan Thee Stallion.

Prisoner. Miley Cyrus ft. Dua Lipa.

Good Days. SZA.

Dinero. Trinidad Cardona.

Heartbreak Anniversary. Giveon.

Love Again. Dua Lipa.

Dark Red. Steve Lacy.

Butter. BTS.

Blinding Lights. The Weeknd.

Mood. 24kGoldn ft. iann dior.

Watermelon Sugar. Harry Styles.

Up. Cardi B.

positions. Ariana Grande.

Lemonade. Internet Money ft. Gunna, Don Toliver, NAV.

WITHOUT YOU. The Kid LAROI.

Supalonely. BENEE, Gus Dapperton.

Holy. Justin Bieber ft. Chance the Rapper.

A-O-K. Tai Verdes.

pov. Ariana Grande.

Physical. Dua Lipa.

Say So. Doja Cat. 

Thot Shit. Megan Thee Stallion.

Jalebi Baby. Tesher ft. Jason Derulo.

motive. Ariana Grande ft. Doja Cat.

Ain't Shit. Doja Cat.

Buss It. Erica Banks.

Get Into It (Yuh). Doja Cat.

Cry Baby. Megan Thee Stallion ft. DaBaby.

Dick. StarBoi3 ft. Doja Cat.

Into The Thick of It. The Backyardigans.

Iko Iko (My Bestie). Justin Wellington ft. Small Jam.

WHOLE LOTTA MONEY. Bia ft. Nicki Minaj.

Bills, Bills, Bills. Destiny's Child.

Like I Can. Sam Smith.

GUY.exe. Superfruit.

Have Mercy. Chlöe.

Running Away. VANO 3000, BADBADNOTGOOD, Samuel T. Herring.

Bananza (Belly Dancer). Akon.

my ex's best friend. Machine Gun Kelly ft. blackbear.

WAP. Cardi B ft. Megan Thee Stallion.

Circles. Post Malone.

Man's World. MARINA.

Dress. Charlotte Sands.

MANCHILD. Emily Bear.

Candy. Machine Gun Kelly ft. Trippie Redd.

Maneater. Nelly Furtado.

Mind Over Matter. Anthony Ramos.

She. Dodie.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

(a) Moods are in constant fluctuation but overall, I'd say happier.
(b) What on earth is up with these invasive questions? I gained more weight than I ever have in my life and I'm learning to be okay with it.
(c) I'm only a fraction of a fraction richer than I was, monetarily speaking. With everything else though, I'd say exponentially.

18. What do you wish you had done more of?

I wish for every possible moment with Zoë. I wish I had done some more writing, sleeping, dreaming.

19. What do you wish you had done less of?

Giving people who weren't worth it the time of day. And gosh, I need to spend less time on my phone.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With my dad, the kitties, and the bros in our tiny apartment in NY. It was the best one we've had in years.

21. Did you fall in love in 2021?

Oh my, did I... She's everything and more.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Chrisley Knows Best.

One Day At A Time.

New Girl.

Julie & The Phantoms.

Peaky Blinders.
Maid.

Outer Banks.

Next in Fashion.

Sex Education.

Derry Girls.

Dead to Me.

Schitt's Creek.

The Queen's Gambit.

The Great British Baking Show.

23. Do you hate someone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Usually, I'd say hate is a pretty strong word but honestly I'd go so far as to say yeah. This warrants it.

24. What was the best book you read?

Dear god... did I read a single book this year? Uh... I'll get back to you on that.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

RATATOUILLE THE TIKTOK MUSICAL omfg greatest thing ever invented.
Måneskin, sexy beasts that they are.

Barlow&Bear, the talented-beyond-belief duo of my dreams.

26. What did you want and get?

True love <3 Experiences of a lifetime.

27. What did you want and not get?

An apology.

28. What was your favorite film of the year?

I dunno if you noticed but... it's been kinda ~impossible~ to go to the movies as of late so many of these had to wait. Luckily, the internet exists.

Luca.

In the Heights.

Black Widow.

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings.
Encanto.

Don't Look Up.

The French Dispatch.

tick, tick... BOOM!

I have yet to see:

Spiderman: No Way Home (if anyone spoils this for me, I will personally make sure the rest of your life is filled with tiny innumerable inconveniences)

Being the Ricardos.

Licorice Pizza.

West Side Story.

House of Gucci.

C'mon C'mon.

Spencer.

Old.

Cyrano.

Wolf.

Minari.

29. What is one thing that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Look, when I tell you lesbians do it better... they really truly do lmao

30. How would you describe your fashion concept in 2021?

Cottagecore-wannabe/baby-sapphic/yikes-depression.

31. What kept you sane?

Weed lmao kiddinggg (not really) But also my fierce, incomparably loyal friends. And doing theatre. Performing. Singing. Cooking. And knowing how long it would be 'til I could see Zoë again.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Doja Cat is just *perfection* Also, Zoë got me hooked on Machine Gun Kelly and I'm not mad about it. And of course, as always, Zendaya and Tom Holland, who will always have my heart.

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

I'm not even gonna go there. I was simply astonished by how blatantly selfish and arrogant some choose to be.

34. Who do you miss?

Titi. Mami. Zoë. A lot of people.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2021.

Sometimes, people you thought loved you will absolutely break your heart. Hard as it might be, it's okay to let them go. Get angry! Anger is powerful and deserves to be felt! You deserve to have people in your life who will see your value and worth no matter what the circumstance and choose you every time. Make no space for nonsense. You are a GIFT—and not one anyone should take for granted.

36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"You've already won me over, in spite of me

And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

And don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn't help it, it's all your fault."

"Head Over Feet" by Alanis Morissette

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Amalgamation

Sup.

I haven't been able to write for months. I mean, I've tried. But I never ended up finishing any of the posts I meant to write and so I've been left with an amalgamation of sorts. I thought I'd share them anyway.

..........

It's been exactly one month since I turned twenty and one month since I last saw all my Vassar friends. It's been a month since I had possessions that existed outside of a carry-on suitcase and a month since things started to go downhill.

It's hard to believe that a month ago, I was still convinced I'd be going back to school in two weeks' time; that I'd spend a week touring Chicago with my a cappella group; that I'd get to go back to my room and spend quality time with Jessica, with Charlotte & Leila; that I'd get to crash Evan's room so we could blow out our very late birthday candles; that I'd finally be able to go on a real date with the guy I was trying not to crush on for months.

..........

Heya.

It's late, I know. 

Bit nauseous, bit of a headache. Can't seem to sleep. Just one of those nights, I suppose. 

I'm in a mood I think. There were excellent parts to this week and parts I wish I could forget. My anxiety's been real bad.

..........

Hi friends <3

I meant to write something in the month of October but it seemed to have escaped me. The days dragged on, each one feeling longer than the last. A blur of nightmares, skipped meals, and incomplete assignments. My friends are gems, though. We're all just trying to make it through. Only three weeks til home.

Rip so I wrote that weeks ago

..........

I dunno what's wrong. I mean I should know what's wrong. I'm pretty sure I know what's wrong. I haven't taken my meds for a week. That would do it. It wasn't exactly on purpose. I dunno. Maybe it was. Maybe I'm self-sabotaging again. Maybe my brain doesn't want me to succeed. 

I'm in the middle of a Dungeons and Dragons game at the moment. Should I be paying attention? Probably. I'm trying to. I want to. I also can't shake the need to violently vomit. Withdrawals, probably. Oh, and the Big Sads. That, too.

Being home is hard. It's a lot. It's knocked me down lower than I thought it would. I can't wait to go back home. Real home. School. Where my friends will be. Where I want to be. 

I want to be okay. I want my brain to stop scrambling. I want to feel okay in my body. I don't want to hate being alive. 

I'm trying my best to feel like an interesting person. Like I can be good at things. Like I might have talents. Like I might not be mediocre. The company I keep is hard to beat. Not that there's anything to beat. I'm proud of them. I appreciate them. I love them for who they are. I'm just not them. Or anywhere near them. I want to like myself. 

I'm so tired all the time. My body hurts all the time. I think it thinks I'm fighting a bear every day. Or getting hit by a bus. Or battling the flu. My bones hurt. My muscles ache. My head throbs. My stomach churns. Why do mental poisons seep so deeply into our bodies?

..........

Hi there darlings.

I know the holiday season can be extremely difficult for some of us. It certainly is for me. Whatever your reason may be, I want to make sure you know you are loved and cherished and cared for, if not by anyone else, then by you. Be your own best supporter this holiday season (it's also a-okay to ask for help when you need it.)

..........

It was so bad. The screaming just never stopped. I just wanted to have a good Christmas. A good anything, really. Family isn't supposed to cause you this much pain. It isn't it isn't it isn't. Only a little more and then I'll be home home again. 

..........

We broke up. It was the right choice.

..........

A civil war? In this economy?

..........

HEY BITCHES!

Things have been kinda... good lately? Food has been more stable and fun (I get to cook a lot of it) and my brothers have been nice to me which is unheard of. My dad's about the same but we've binge-watched a lot of shows with my brothers like His Dark Materials and Peaky Blinders and Ink Master. It's been nice. My cats have each slept in my room more so, yaknow, maybe they love me after all. LINNEA ADOPTED A DOG! AND SHE'S NAMING HIM MONET! LIKE A BALLER! And he's going to be my little nephew I am so excited. I started knitting again (thanks to Jessica crocheting boob triangles) and I started collaging again (thanks to an identity crisis.) Oh also JESSICA FINALLY GOT HER ROOM ASSIGNMENT AND SHE'S JUST DOWN THE HALL FROM ME I AM SO BEYOND EXCITED TO SQUEEZE THAT WOMAN AGAIN! And also we finally watched The Warriors (her and her dad's fave movie to watch together, so I think I'm part of the family now.) I'm hella fucking nervous for school to start again because I still don't have my class schedule ahahaha but hopefully the imposter syndrome stops getting to me and I'll actually feel like I belong at Vassar. Oh, and I've made tiktoks? I dunno, man... I'm a new woman or whatever.

..........

Aaaaaand that concludes all the things I meant to write but never finished (minus the Thanksgiving and New Years' posts, those will have to wait.) I know it's not much but I guess you can at least see the progression of my different mental states or something? Wack. Anyway.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Different and the Same

 Saludos, chiquitines <3 Currently writing to you from my SINGLE dorm room at Vassar (can you tell I'm excited about it?) in the comfort of my squishy, sweaty bed. I've been here about a week already and things are somewhat different but also the same? I dunno, like obviously everybody is wearing masks all the time—yes, even to the bathroom—and I wasn't allowed to hug any of my friends when I arrived and there are tents all over campus that are supposed to be makeshift classrooms and I have to stay six feet apart from everybody at all time, but... I guess this is all still a step up from total isolation in bumfuck nowhere Vermont. Don't get me wrong, Montpelier is a cute little town but SO not where I want to spend the rest of my days. Too insular, too homogenous, too conformist. 

Hang on, I just got a huge wave of fatigue, yikes.

Okay, not dead yet.

Tomorrow is the first day of classes and though I'm excited, I'm a little bit terrified. My first class is Psych Stats which is a math class which means I might die. Then I'm getting lunch with my babes Linnea and Juliana, only head over to Sources of World Drama with Jack and Charlotte and Cameron and all my other fave people afterward. At 3:00pm I've got my second COVID test scheduled and from 4pm to 5pm, I'm meeting with Nicole about some not-so-fun stuff. Overall, quite a busy first day.

Seeing my absolute favorite people over the past week has been magnificent. I couldn't stand being apart from them for months on end. It still super sucks that I can't hug any of them but picnics with Linnea, Jack & Juliana are almost as fun, and aimless wandering around campus with Evan is just as hilarious, and hallway chats with Garret, Charlotte & Leila are just as absurd and entertaining. The only missing link right now is Jessica aka last year's roomie aka my personal comedienne aka the love of my life <3 She decided to study remotely this semester which is completely understandable but I miss her SO MUCH because she brings me so much joy and can make me laugh like no other. The good news is we have a virtual sociology class together so I will get to see her gorgeous face on Zoom every Tuesday and Thursday! Not quite the same, but it's something.

Acquiring food is a little strange because it's all takeout so I just end up hoarding cereal containers so I don't have to get up for breakfast the next morning lol I guess it's a good thing though because it forces me to sit outside and I'm not much of an outdoors fan otherwise ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

My room is everything I could've hoped for and more :) Almost as big as last year's room (which was a double) and so very aesthetically pleasing in my eyes. Even though I forgot to bring an entire box of decorations with me because I'm a genius :) My skincare self-care corner has definitely become an apothecary of sorts and it makes me feel like a witchy queen hehehe My bed is lofted and cozy as ever, what with Evie the Owl, Piglet the Owl, Hobbes the Owl, Bella Moose the Unicorn, and Kuzco the Llama. It's a party every night, obviously. My fairy lights bring me immense joy and my closet happens to be an open plan so I decided to organize my clothes by color gradient and I am very pleased with the result. I've got little postcards on the wall and trinkets from previous adventures and memories from old friends, not to mention my window fan is the closest I'll get to having an AC. 

The Owls won't be able to hold auditions or rehearsals this semester for obvious reasons but we still plan on meeting virtually at least once a week which should be nice. I believe we plan to record some virtual songs this semester and will reveal them as our pseudo "final concert". My fingers are crossed for the spring.

Today is the two year anniversary of Titi's death. I dunno if I was meant to feel something or what. I miss her. But I also know she'd be incredibly proud of me and all that I've overcome. I think she'd find my classes really cool. I'm excited to take Dance Improv because of her. I wanna be like her in so many ways. She still doesn't quite feel gone. I haven't let her feel gone yet, I don't think. I don't want her to be. She's still my favorite. She will never not be.

Javier is a sophomore in high school which blows my mind. I guess I'm a sophomore in college which makes it weirder. He's killing it on all fronts as usual. I really hope I get to see him this winter <3 I don't want him getting any older. My mom and I are on better terms these days. I like it better that way.

I miss my kitties, Phoenix and Scout. I don't miss their fur in my mouth 24/7 tho. I miss Suki. I miss Natasha and our numerous trips to TJ Maxx. I miss watching Umbrella Academy with YD and rambling about how he is literally Klaus. I miss my dad. 

I'm excited and hopeful for this semester. I can't afford not to be. I want so many good things for so many people. I want the people I love to know I love them. I want them to know how valued they are. How much I would do anything for them to be happy. I'm missing a lot of people. But I think about them every day. 

I dunno, y'all. I'm tired and I have to get up early tomorrow and I'm past making coherent sentences. Keeping the lot of you in my thoughts.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya <3

Temporary Relief Part 2

Morning, darlings. I hope you are all staying well and taking care of your wonderful selves. The past week has been... eventful, for lack of a better word. No better time to commence the brain-numbing than through the second section of the conversation card questions.

..........

1. Do you ever eat lunch outside?

I assume this means when I'm at school/work? If the weather allows, for sure, but not when too many bugs are around *yuck*

2. Have you seen your work suffer when you're unhappy?

All. The. Time. Mood swings and performance correlations are no joke.

3. When you think about getting older do you imagine being happy?

I want to. I hope so. Every day I try to work toward creating the life I always wanted and never had. So we'll see.

4. Do you have certain foods that make you happier?

DO I? Strawberries & cream, Capri Suns, pickles, carrots with lime, extra buttery popcorn, anything Entenmman's, refried bean burritos, strawberry banana smoothies, Abuelo's baked ziti, salted mangoes, RICE, tomatoes with lime, tostones, Deece ice cream concoctions, arepitas, kiwis, concón, Quaker Oats dinosaur oatmeal, queso frito, sourdough bread, salted lime, cucumbers with lime, salami, Abuelo's dulce de coco, Abuela's ensalada de repollo, empanadas, banana bread muffins, Papi's pasta bolognese, Mami's fried eggs (jokes cuz that's like the only thing she can cook lol), and a million other things. Moral of the story is I'm kind of super into food :)

5. Where's the most unlikely place you've made a friend?

A bathroom lol

6. What would you love to grow?

Literally? Some freaking basil plants, man. Figuratively, probably patience and the ability to say no.

7. If you could get rid of a daily noise from something what would it be?

Not fully sure what this question is going for but I'm gonna say the stupid "Caw-Caw!!! Caw-Caw!!!"'s from the ravens in our backyard every morning. Like, they start at 6am, dude. The audacity.

8. Whose marriage would you like to emulate?

My late Titi Dorianny and her husband Tio John's, for sure. They were oh so in love and brought out the absolute best in each other. They went on adventures, they had dance parties, they pursued art projects together, they cooked together, they laughed together, they held each other up through everything until the very end. I have never known any other people who loved like that. What they had was for sure a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing.

9. Are you happier when your life has structure or with total freedom?

Sooooooo the thing is I suck at maintaining structure for myself??? Like, I know that I tend to thrive off of routines (when I'm able to stick with them) but on the other hand, I find some of my happiest moments to be the most spontaneous and unscheduled ones.

10. Do you have higher standards for yourself or other people?

5 million percent higher for myself, it's infuriating.

11. How happy are your genes?

Uhhhh is this a question about my DNA? If so, I legitimately couldn't answer your question. I have no idea lmao

12. When do you feel most independent?

When I accomplish adult-y things, like bank errands or grocery shopping or folding laundry or making uncomfy phonecalls with even more adult-y people or cooking for myself and others or deep cleaning an entire room. Just things like that. I don't love doing those things, but when I do get them done I feel like an accomplished human.

13. Would you rather have children that are successful or happy?

I consider happiness to be the greatest success :)

14. Why do so many beautiful people seem so miserable?

Can't relate so I couldn't tell you hahaahahaaaa otherwise idk, society man ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

15. What do you worry about in the middle of the night?

Oh buddy, you don't wanna know... But mostly embarrassing shit I did in the third grade that I will never live down. Rip.

16. Is Disneyland really the happiest place on earth?

Can confirm it's not even in the top twelve happiest places on earth.

17. What are the small daily things that give you pleasure?

The way my cats purr to get out of scoldings because they know they can get away with it; a warm mug of tea held between my hands; the dust particles dancing in rays of sunshine; my cats' little toe beans; showering after feeling gross all day; flinging my bra across the room for fun (hehe); watching my cats nap; sleeping on freshly laundered sheets; texting my very best friends that I love them.

18. What's your favorite dream about your future?

I am alive. I am healthy. I am free of all debts. I'm an accomplished occupational therapist for children. I have a spouse who adores me and kids who are never afraid to ask me things. I live in some quiet, easy suburb, away from city chaos. We have two cats and a dog whom we love very much. My life is no longer a mess. I find joy in being awake. 

19. Have you ever gone on a news fast?

As a Highly Sensitive Person (it's a real thing, look it up lol), I literally cannot handle vast amounts of overwhelming content for prolonged periods of time lest I wanna plummet headfirst into a mental breakdown. So, news fasts are kind of typical for me. I require more charging time than others, so frequent breaks are needed. Tis simply my lot in life ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

20. Why do we spend our time doing things we know won't make us happy?

Free will, bro. Idk.

21. When's the last time you took a big risk?

I think a lot of the risks I end up taking in life are purely coincidental or accidental XD But on a more serious note, I guess when I re-applied to college after two years. There was no guarantee I'd get in, and applying to college once is draining enough, let alone doing it twice. I'm really glad it ended up working out :)

22. What are your greatest pleasures?

Bad romcoms, fuzzy socks, naps in the arms of a love, fried food, car karaoke with the best of friends, spontaneous adventures, long showers, Pinterest boards, having my hair played with, the warmth of a fire when the rest of the world is freezing, praise, the smell of grass in the morning, talking to the moon.

23. If you were going to begin dancing regularly what kind would you do?

100% would love to get back into hip-hop and jazz *heart eyes*

24. When you want to laugh, what or who do you turn to?

Potterless Podcast, old vine compilations, jokes written by kids, and when all else fails, Evan lmao <3

25. Is it harder to forgive yourself or others?

Ehhh I'd say it's a solid 60/40 split, with an edge towards me. Forgiving oneself is not easy work.

..........

And there you have it. Arbitrary answers to questions nobody asked or cared for :) You're welcome.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Temporary Relief Part 1

Hi friends.

I haven't been able to bring myself to write in quite some time. Due to everything going on in the world (and in my own life), it just didn't seem right. For a number of reasons, I've found it quite difficult to do anything for myself, even writing on this blog. The thought of doing anything for myself in light of recent events has only riddled me with guilt because it leaves me feeling empty, like I'm not doing enough, like I'm not contributing enough and I shouldn't spend time on myself when there are more pressing matters at hand. And while part of me still feels that way, I've realized how important it is to take care of myself and to do things for myself even in the midst of all this chaos and tragedy—because if I don't, there will be none of me left to fight. So if that means writing easy, mindless puff pieces in addition to signing petitions and donating where I can and re-educating myself on issues of systemic racism, then so be it (and I encourage you all to do the same! if you are able to attend protests, please do so safely!)

Anyway.

I discovered some "conversation starter cards" in my living room a while ago (courtesy of Natasha lol) and thought I'd give them a go. Since there are quite a few questions, I thought I'd split them into a couple different posts so as not to overwhelm you or myself :)

1. Would you choose to be 20% better-looking if it made you 20% less happy?

Probably not. I already have low-enough days... I don't need them to be any lower lol

2. Do your morals ever get in the way of your happiness?

Oh, definitely. Not often, but there are times where the easier, immoral option is the quickest road to happiness and yet I have to stop myself if I feel like keeping my integrity.

3. What quote do you live by?

Rest in Distress.

-Evan Rubenzahl

Lmao jk I have a handful. But the one I tend to come back to over and over again is "Have courage and be kind." Who knew Cinderella would have the answers on how to live my life ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

4. Is happiness over-rated?

Absolutely not.

5. What made each of your past pets special?

Oh boy, there were quite a few so I dunno if I'll be able to remember them all! There were the cannibal snails; the rescued baby bird;  Roger the Hamster named after the iconic Mr. Rogers; Gato and Bachi, my parents' first set of cats; the mysteriously disappearing frogs; Sandy the Prize Turtle who we thought was a boy but was actually a girl; probably several fish that have vanished from memory; Bernie & Phyllis, my precious sassy old rescue kitties; Suki the peanut chihuahua-terrier, who is the love of my life but such an old little woman now; Nutella the warm, adorable slobbery bulldog pup; and finally, Phoenix & Scout, my current demonically playful, astonishingly needy (and loud) kittens adopted from South Salem, New York.

6. Do you think it's easier to be happy when you don't have as many choices?

It can be. Ignorance is bliss and all that jazz.

7. Are you letting any of your gifts go to waste?

I mean, I hope not. I'm assuming gifts here means "natural talents" or something like that? Each of my "talent" inclinations has always fallen in the artistic realm but I haven't necessarily had the means to pursue them as in-depth as I'd like. Dance/voice/music lessons are not cheap, my dudes. I know I have skills there, I just need to figure out how to harness them fully.

8. Which bad habits could you cut out that would help you sleep better?

I'm not even gonna go there. Insomnia can go fuck itself.

9. What do you sometimes take for granted?

Probably my friends' kindness. They are too good to me and I do not deserve them <3

10. What is contributing a surprising amount of happiness to your life these days?

Not all that surprising, but Phoenix & Scout have stolen my entire heart and can get away with probably anything if they nuzzle me hard enough.

11. Have you ever tried to regularly take quiet time for yourself?

As an introvert, it's sorta hard to exist without it.

12. How often do you make a to-do list?

Ohmygod, every day.

13. What's the hardest thing for you to resist?

Persuasion.

14. What would you like to give up thinking about?

Student loans hahahaahhahahahahhaaaaaa

15. Which of your commitments is the hardest to keep?

I'm not entirely sure what this means but I guess anything school-related stresses me out the most and therefore I end up brushing things off until the last possible minute.

16. If you could wave a magic wand and one thing in your life would be checked off your to-do list what would you pick?

Any homework, ever. I love school and I love learning yall, but completing assignments? Not my area.

17. Do you accept what can't be changed?

Not always. I want to, though.

18. How can you be happier than you are right now?

If I could stick to a routine. I mean actually, really truly stick to a healthy routine to the point where it becomes second nature. But unfortunately, not much of my life has allowed for it.

19. Which locations are on your bucket list?

Colombia, Peru, El Salvador, Venezuela, Brazil, Chile, Cuba, Mexico, Scotland, The Netherlands, Portugal, France, Greece, Italy, Austria, Vietnam, Japan, Thailand, Australia, Nepal, China, The Philippines, Egypt, Lebanon, Nigeria, South Korea, Singapore, Bangladesh, Belgium, Switzerland, Norway, Denmark, Iceland... Man, the list could go on.

20. What are the three most important qualities you look for in a partner?

Compassion, humor & reliability.

21. What's the difference between pleasure and happiness?

I like to think of pleasure as a short-lived, immediate thing whereas happiness is more of a long-term, all-encompassing thing. 

22. Which area of your life needs the most organization?

My sleep schedule, holy shit.

23. Are you ever surprised by your own behavior?

Rarely. Usually, the surprise stems from the shock of my own self-restraint. I tend to be very impulsive when it comes to my emotions and the actions that follow them, so if I'm able to fight off some impulsive instincts, it's no small thing.

24. Who's the most surprisingly happy person you know?

All the ones I can think of are children, so... I dunno what that says about the adult world.

25. Do you have unnecessarily impossible standards?

For myself? Absolutely 100%. For others, not particularly.

..........

And there you have the first 25 questions, folks. If anything, I hope this brought some vague sense of levity to your own life before you go out and fight for change in this world (go do it! we need you!)

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

On Love & Creativity

Creativity comes and goes in bits and pieces. Much like love.

Love does that, too.

Sometimes it pours into your life in torrents, other times it faintly trickles... Sometimes, it might even feel like it's not there at all (don't worry, it is—you just haven't quite found it yet).

Anyone who knows me or knows this blog understands that I am often at war with my artistic self. It's either never enough or too much. I'm too black and white; too all or nothing. It's a trait most of my family inherited. I'm constantly torn between GO GO GO and NO NO NO. I'm either rushing or dragging; soaring or crashing; exploding with material or run absolutely dry. It's exhausting to live your life in extremes.

Every few months I get stuck in a creative rut, where I feel like nothing nothing nothing I produce is worth paying any mind to. And typically, when the rut comes to an end, I am bursting with life and ideas and neverending thoughts that I must get down on paper before they disappear. The only issue with that, of course, is the expense of my health. When I'm not producing, I get down on myself for not being enough which in turn makes me depressed and zaps my productivity. When I am producing, I drive myself manic from hours upon hours of creation—no rest for the wicked... or food or breaks either, apparently.

I've gotten quite lucky in that the past week, fortune favored both love & creativity for me :) Seldom do those things come in pairs (at least in my experience—if it's happened often for you, must be nice). Finding new loves and rediscovering old ones is... Gosh, it's amazing. A bit overwhelming, sure, but so unbelievably rewarding, 10/10 would recommend. And then there was my drama final.

Did I put it off to the last minute? Of course. Do I work best under extreme, unnecessary pressure? You betcha.

My Movement for Actors class presented all our finals last week. We were to take a portrait of our choosing, embody the character in the frame, and produce a two-minute movement piece based on it. Out of all the portraits in the world, I chose a self-portrait of my brother, Yan Diego, called Mirror & Me. It depicts a shirtless young man looking solemnly into a hand mirror, a cross necklace around his neck, his silhouette a horned figure. The thing is, as much as it was a portrait of himself, it was also a portrait of me. And everyone in my family who has struggled with inner demons.

Growing up in a traditional catholic community had many downfalls. One of the biggest things was the lack of support when it came to mental illness. Feeling as though the fabric from which you were made actively went against all your community's beliefs was a lonely thing to experience, especially as a young child. Feeling as though you were left with no choice but to hate yourself was... not pleasant in the least.

I have often found that my best works are a product of excruciating pain. Why would this be any different?

I decided to use Bon Iver's 715 CREEKS as my background. Somehow it perfectly encapsulated everything I wanted to portray in a single song. The peaks and valleys of violence and tenderness... The conflicting duality of beauty and pain... Loving and hating oneself all in one go. My dear friend Caellum first introduced me to that song. We "grew up" performing together so, in a way, I wanted to pay homage to him as well.

Then came the exploration of movement. I'm no professional and I certainly had no clue what I was doing, but I wanted whatever came from this project to be felt, like really truly felt by the audience. So into my reservoir of feels I dove. It was awkward at first. I didn't know how my body was supposed to move or what I was supposed to feel. I just kinda went with it. I told myself I had to film it soon before I chickened out.

I forced Linnea to be my accomplice and help me film the piece in the downstairs bathroom (look, we needed to use a big mirror, okay?) I was beyond embarrassed at first. It took me about thirteen tries to hype myself up before I could allow myself to perform in front of my best friend.

But I'd say it was worth it. Thanks to Linnea, it only took me two tries to show everything I possibly could have wanted on camera. And those two tries took just about every ounce of energy I had. I hadn't felt that pleased with anything I'd produced in months. It's sorta hard to explain. I felt relieved that it was over.

My audiences seemed to like it :)

It's wild how love and creativity came hand in hand this past week. I am so blessed to love and be loved by such wonderful, kind, brilliant, generous, witty, complex human beings. Some of those humans have floated in and out of my life and I could not be more thankful for them. I guess my point is: cherish new loves, cherish old loves, cherish the loves you never thought you'd love again. Strive to love unconditionally. Love unapologetically. Love loudly. Love boldly.

There is strength in vulnerability. There is there is there is.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Love in the Time of Corona

I don't know what I'm trying to write.

Nothing I could ever write would heal this kind of hurt. And yet here I am trying to make some sense of it all. Or maybe not make sense of it, just... I dunno. Throw my thoughts into the void.

Everything has happened so fast. Two weeks ago, we all happily left for spring break without a care in the world. Some of us came prepared for the worst, others did not. I have attempted to take every step with grace, but have not been so successful. First, the rumors. Then memes, warnings, emails followed. News headlines flashing COVID-19, Coronavirus, Global Pandemic. It just doesn't go away. Hasn't gone away. Week two in self-quarantine trying to keep clean, trying to keep sane, trying to make the aches of missing you all go away.

I think I told myself to write this as an attempt to journal my way through the outbreak. People kept journals during the World Wars, during the Great Depression, during the Spanish Influenza—why should this be any different? Our world is at war with a virus we don't yet know how to beat. It's perhaps our scariest enemy yet. And while I don't think it productive to fall into a complete state of panic, people need to do better. Wash your hands. Stay home. Practice social distancing. Remain six feet apart. Don't hoard supplies. Be a decent fucking human being. We are all hurting. We are all scared. At least be kind.

Things are scary right now. They are. Between trying to navigate the transition to online classes, to figuring out where I was gonna live, to making sure my parents were safe, to scrubbing my hands raw, to battling with loneliness in isolation, to wondering what I'm gonna do when my medication runs out, to attempting to function at all like a regular human being... It just... It's a lot. I've been fortunate enough to be able to stay with Linnea's family in MA for the time being. YD is doing the same with a friend from RISD. Javi and Mami are stuck in the DR apartment. My dad is in VT working the frontlines every day as a retail employee at a pharmacy. Talk about modern-day soldiers.

There has been so much uncertainty and so much distress on all fronts. So much is out of our control. I've tried focusing on the little tiny baby things I do have control over (like eating and sleeping, showering and brushing my teeth, going for a walk or at least looking out the window) and yet I still can't seem to do them all enough. Evan's been pushing me to stay on top of it. Linnea's been trying to keep me sane. Vassar students everywhere are scrambling—for their belongings, their GPAs, their friends, their canceled graduations. Professors and administration can barely keep up with the ever-changing news. Entire states are being shut down left and right. Outside feels like a ghost town. Still, the only way out is through.

When things are scary and frightening and uneasy and unknown, I find it comforting to revel in the small things. Like raspberry jam on toast. And crossword puzzles. A weighted blanket for bed. Hamster feet. Hugs of every kind. Facetime. Fun-filled pasta. Rediscovering club penguin. Cooking dinner together. Puppy licks. Disney movies. Children's books. A hot shower. Solitude at 3am. Plants that continue to grow despite it all. I am so lucky to be cared for and healthy and safe. Not everyone can say the same.

Please be kind to yourselves and each other. The world has needed tenderness for some time now. Give it to her.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya 

Shambles & Rambles

Hi friends.

It's currently 10pm on a Saturday night and I am writing this post since I finally have the time. I put the kids to bed two hours ago (not mine, relax) and finished cleaning up the dishes and wiping down the messy pizza counter.

Babysitting on a Saturday night the weekend before spring break isn't exactly the way I saw my plans going, but hey, the kids are adorable AND I get paid. We could all use a little more cash money.

Tomorrow will be the first of March and this next Friday I will be turning twenty years old.

Twenty, man. Two zero. That's fucking nuts.

Needless to say, I'm a little brain-scrambled considering this is my last full week as a teenager. God, even writing that makes me want to puke. I know life is all about living in the present and not dwelling on the past and enjoying every moment blablabla but it's terrifying to think twenty whole years of my life will have gone by.

On the one hand, I'm impressed. Not too long ago, Maya thought she wouldn't make it past eighteen. And here she is completing two decades of life. Wild. On the other hand, what the hell does one do when they're twenty? Do you magically learn how to file taxes? Do you take out a mortgage? Are you stuck with the same job for years or are you stuck in your parent's apartment for eternity? I know nobody ever really has it all figured out but like, I don't even know how to drive yet. Most kids my little brother's age are learning how to drive and sometimes I just feel kinda inadequate. Eh, I'll learn eventually.

February was kind of a trash month for everyone I know. Mercury in retrograde or whatever. Bad juju in the air. Fukú and whatnot. Anyhow, I'm hoping that since February has come to an end, March will provide a clean slate and restore balance to us all. It had better for me at least. It's my birthday month, after all.

Second week of break, the Owls and I are headed on tour to Chicago which will definitely merit a whole post of its own. I haven't been there since I was ten years old, man. It's been a while.

After coming back from break, we'll only have six weeks of school left. That's it. Six weeks and I will have finished my first whole year of college. Another feat I never thought I'd get to see. Then summer, then sophomore year. Insane.

I'm a little nervous because I don't have any summer jobs lined up yet for a number of reasons but I'm hopeful I'll make something work. I'm likeable and skilled enough, I suppose.

The room I'm currently sat in is freezing yet surprisingly cozy. I just wish I could smuggle a blanket in somewhere...

I know I talk about this a fuckton but I just have so many projects I want to work on and create. I just have to find the energy and motivation from somewhere first. It's getting there. At least I forced myself to write this post. Forcing myself to write at least makes me feel like I'm doing something.

In any case, my friends are wonderful and I love them so incredibly much because they put up with me even when I'm trash and am a little shit :) Y'all are the best, babes :*

There was no real point to this post other than explaining that I've had a pretty long four weeks and I'm looking forward to the next four. Yeah. I think that's it.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: MY PHONE CAMERA STARTED WORKING AGAIN AND I AM OVER THE MOON ABOUT IT I JUST KEEP TAKING PICTURES OF RANDOM SHIT YALL IT'S GREAT

More Important Things than Valentine's Day

Hey everyone. It's been a while. Sorry about that.

Yet again I find myself writing seemingly nonsensical gibberish at four in the morning. To be fair, at least I don't have class on Fridays. I went to bed wicked early last night with the intention to wake up around 3am so I could deliver my absent roommate's adorable Valentine's Day treats, and I guess I just haven't fallen asleep since.

I took the opportunity that I was awake to edit Pri's college app essays which I had promised to take care of two days ago. I'd been meaning to do it but always found myself preoccupied or too tired. I'm proud to say it's over and done with now though. It's something I accomplished and can now tick off my to-do list.

I've been binge-watching Season 3 of Riverdale because I love my trashy Cole Sprouse show with all my heart no matter how bad it is or how many plotholes there are. I've been trying to make it through the week relatively unscathed. Hasn't particularly worked. After my roommate, Jessica had to go home last week due to an emergency, I haven't quite been able to pull myself out of this weird energy vacuum. I miss her like hell. I miss when the room wasn't so empty. She'll be back eventually but it might take a while, we don't know.

Though I love my classes and my job and my friends and my schedule this semester, I've still been struggling with some other energy-sucking situations. Meetings with the Title IX office; meetings with my therapist; meetings with my survivor's group therapy; meetings with my academic/life coach; it's just all been a lot. And I've been well supported, I have, but it's still like... Like I just don't have the focus or alertness to do it all, all the time, you know?

Anyway.

I love my job—working with little kids brings so much joy. I love my Movement for Actors and Jazz Dance classes the most. It feels so good to get out of my head and into my body and get actual academic credit for it. I love my friends—the ones that listen to my bullshit stories and the ones that take me for a drive at two in the morning and the ones that take spontaneous diner trips for shakes and fries and the ones that take boudoir photos of each other and the ones that play cards against humanity till we pee ourselves and the ones that agree to sing their heart out with me. They're all so special and I adore them so so so so much. I love my roommate and I cannot wait until she gets back.

I've sort of been in a creative block lately. Like I have so many ideas and have so many things I want to create and pursue but I just can't bring myself to start any of them. Writing this blogpost was my attempt to just kinda get out there and make something even if it's shit. It beats keeping everything inside my head.

Tomorrow or I guess later tonight, I'm going to see my friend Leila's burlesque show and I'm super duper excited about that. And on Saturday, the Owls have their annual Margaritowlville concert. The dress code is all black—dress to undress. So that's pretty exciting too. I'm gonna attempt to do as much of my work ahead of time as possible so I can fully enjoy the weekend in all its glory.

Or something like that.

Ay, mijos, it's nearly 5am and I still haven't gone back to bed. I should fix that, really. Tomorrow I will breathe to life new accomplishments and new creations and I will have things to be proud of. I will I will I will.

Here's wishing you all a dandy Valentine's Day. May it be everything you want it to be or not be.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Perhaps the First Good Year

Once again, I'm the worst. To be fair, though, this time I didn't have internet on the day it was meant to be posted sooooo.......... Pretend this was posted on December 31st lmao XD

You won't even believe it but this year was the beginning of good news. Good news! For me! That hasn't happened for me in years, and that is not an exaggeration. Anyhow, this post was a lot more fun to write this time because it wasn't the same old depressing bullshit. At least for the most part.

1. What did you do in 2019 that you'd never done before?

Hmm, I'm trying to remember... Oh right. I FINISHED MY FIRST EVER FULL SEMESTER OF COLLEGE!!! FUCK YEAH!!! I also became a waitress for the first time, got fired for the first time (from that same job lol), became a dogwalker and a babysitter simultaneously, initiated my first ever breakup (that's huge for me, I've never been the one to initiate the split), I learned how to cartwheel, how to change a tire, I had my first ever successful hookup, I stood up to men who thought they could get away with treating me condescendingly and coercively, I performed in community theatre for the first time, I adopted KITTIES!, I became the primary caretaker/financial supporter in my household for a period of time, I experienced hunger, I overcame said hunger along with a bunch of other challenges and now I am here :)

2. Did you keep your New Years Resolutions and will you make more for next year?

I think I remember saying all I wanted for myself was self-compassion. It wasn't always easy but dear God, I think I finally am starting to get the hang of it. Next year, I want to continue on that track but also try to develop some more healthy day-to-day routines. Nothing should be more of a priority than my health.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My cousin Alex and his wife Chelsea had their first child together, Xander, and he's the cutest little nugget there ever was. Also, WE ADOPTED TWO INSANELY CRAZY AND ADORABLE CATS AND I'M OVER THE MOON ABOUT IT.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Mike Meads was in the year below me and even though I'd never been close to him, his death was unexpected and tragic and hurt many lives. Then Mary Oliver, Luke Perry, and Cameron Boyce, other untimely tragedies that shook my soul more than I thought they would. It was also the first anniversary of Titi's death. That was hard.

5. What countries did you visit?

US and DR, baby. I'm a predictable bitch.

6. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019?

I think just more financial security and the ability to find consistent routines that work for me.

7. What dates from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

January 5th. Send in college apps.
January 6th. YD goes to Rome.
January 22nd. First day waitressing.
February 9th. Visit Evan and Linnea <3
February 11th. First (initiated) breakup.
February 14th. Margaritowlville!
February 16th. Freaky Friday.
February 23rd. Meet Noah!
March 6th. Last teen year.
March 9th. Into the Spiderverse.
March 17th. Doña Flor y Sus Dos Maridos.
April 1st. Vassar says yes!
April 5th. NEWSIES.
April 11th. First time getting fired :/
April 20th. Dogsit for Shea.
April 24th. Hadestown <3
April 25th. Change a tire.
May 5th. Seussical.
May 10th. Les Mis.
May 18th. Nat's Dance Recital!
May 26th. Babies' graduation!
May 27th. Brunch Reunion w/ Fonts, Claire & Clara.
June 8th. Minigolf with CJ, NJ + Matt.
June 14th. WIFE!!!
June 21st. Whose Live Is It Anyway w/ The Martins.
June 30. Pride with Kota.
July 6th. RIP Cameron Boyce <3
July 12th. Spiderman: Far From Home.
July 30th. Marshland Conservancy.
August 6th. Kitty Adoption Day!
August 22nd. Vassar Round 2.
August 30th. Titi <3
September 15th. Owl Sing-Ins!
October 10th. Still.
October 11th. The Flick.
October 31st. O'Hysteria.
November 13th. Summertime/Wintertime.
November 22nd. Safe Hands.
November 23rd. Nina.
December 4th. Fun Home.
December 12th. Owls Final Concert.
December 14th. Beats Final Concert.
December 19th. Beats Suite Christmas.
December 20th. Return to the island.
December 21st. The Big Chop.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I somehow managed to make myself my number 1 priority. It didn't always work and there definitely were times where I had to put my family first but at least I didn't fall into the trap of needing a companion to get me through it all. I was there to get me through it all. I was capable and strong and determined and I was enough.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I don't really like to think of anything as a failure because from our mistakes, we learn. I would have liked to continue and get through my Fundamentals of Music class, but ultimately I made the right decision in withdrawing. It was sucking up all my energy and time and was wrecking my mental health so I'm glad I let it go.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Oh goodness, my immune system has never been the strongest and after working so closely with kids so often, you pick up all their gross little germs. Needless to say, I was pretty consistently sick for about half of this year. Finished the year off with a month and a half long bout of bronchitis :)

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Tickets to Hadestown. Wouldn't have traded them for the world.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My usual go-to's, Linnea and Evan—I seriously don't know what I'd do without them; my cousin Natasha who is the older sister I never had; Papi for breaking the cycle that had been eating at him for the past five years; and my lovely roommate Jessica, who made coming back to school the most fun ever.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?

So many people in power. It's nauseating, really.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Groceries, rent, medical bills. That's what life as a real adult is like.

15. What did you get really, really excited about?

Seeing Hadestown with my dad as our joint birthday present :) Performing Newsies with a cast of unbelievably amazing people. Adopting two precious kitties <3 Rejoining the path of college education. Getting to sing with my Night Owls once more. Watching professional-grade theatre for free because my college's drama department slaps. The new Dominican food place down the street from my dorm.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2019?

Señorita by Camila Cabello & Shawn Mendes
Old Town Road by Lil Nas X
I BEEN BORN AGAIN by BROCKHAMPTON
bad guy by Billie Eilish
7 rings by Ariana Grande
Sucker by Jonas Brothers
Lights Up by Harry Styles
Dancing With a Stranger by Sam Smith ft Normani
Circles by Post Malone
If I Can't Have You by Shawn Mendes
Dance Monkey by Tones and I
Juice by Lizzo
bury a friend by Billie Eilish
break up with your girlfriend, im bored by Ariana Grande
DDU-DU DDU-DU by BLACKPINK
Beautiful People by Ed Sheeran
Watermelon Sugar by Harry Styles
Cool by Jonas Brothers
BOY BYE by BROCKHAMPTON
Tempo by Lizzo ft Missy Elliot
Movement by Hozier
2 by H.E.R.
Greedy by Ariana Grande
Earth by Lil Dicky
Nightmare by Halsey
Kill This Love by BLACKPINK
Con Calma by Daddy Yankee
Back Pocket by Vulfpeck
365 by Zedd ft Katy Perry
Boys by Lizzo
bloodline by Ariana Grande
Exactly How I Feel by Lizzo ft Gucci Mane
Grow As We Go by Ben Platt
NO HALO by BROCKHAMPTON
i'm so tired by Lauv ft Troye Sivan
Truth Hurts by Lizzo
Funky Duck by Vulfpeck
MONOPOLY by Ariana Grande ft Victoria Monét
Mount Everest by Labrinth
Level Up by Ciara
Go DJ by KAYTRANADA ft SiR
The Box by Roddy Rich
thank u, next by Ariana Grande
Down Bad by Dreamville ft JID, J. Cole, EARTHGANG, Young Nudy
Need It by KAYTRANADA ft Masego
Solita by Kali Uchis
Fred Astaire by Jukebox The Ghost
Que Calor by Major Lazer ft J Balvin & El Alfa
All For Us by Labrinth ft Zendaya
Narcos by Migos
MALAMENTE by ROSALIA
151 Rum by JID
Hold Up by Beyoncé
Stop Your Crying by Lake Street Drive
Trampoline by SHAED ft ZAYN
River by Leon Bridges
i love you by Billie Eilish
Obsessed by Mariah Carey
Hey DJ by CNCO ft Yandel
Undrunk by FLETCHER
Teeth by 5 Seconds of Summer
hot girl bummer by blackbear
16 shots by Steffon Don
Lalala by Y2K, bbno$
Callaita by Bad Bunny ft Tainy
Don't Call Me Angel by Ariana Grande, Miley Cyrus ft Lana del Rey
California Dreamin' by The Mamas & The Papas
Jailbreak the Tesla by Injury Reserve by Aminé
I THINK by Tyler, The Creator
715 Creeks by Bon Iver
Good Kisser by Lake Street Drive
My Type by Saweetie
Jesus Is The One (I Got Depression) by Zack Fox, Kenny Beats

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

(a) Definitely happier. Without a doubt.
(b) Probably fatter lol Gaining muscle is exhausting.
(c) I think richer but it certainly doesn't feel like it what with all the adulting.

18. What do you wish you had done more of?

Enjoying the moment. Feeling confident in my abilities. Writing.

19. What do you wish you had done less of?

It may come as no surprise to you but worrying. It's time-consuming and unnecessary. Things work out in the end, not always the way we want them to but they do.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Uneventfully at my mom's apartment in DR surrounded by my fam.

21. Did you fall in love in 2019?

I'd like to say I learned how to fall in love with myself.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Where do I even start? Here are the ones that come to mind:

Dead to Me
Derry Girls
Scrubs
Riverdale
Friends (I watched all 10 seasons in about three weeks oops)
Euphoria
Barry
His Dark Materials
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
Queer Eye
Stranger Things (duh)
The Act
Schitt's Creek

23. Do you hate someone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Ooooooof sometimes men as a whole make me real mad. I'll just leave that there.

24. What was the best book you read?

I'm forgetting which books I read this year and which I read last year so I'm hoping these are accurate? I think it was a pretty good year for reading :)

Beautiful Broken Things
My Heart and Other Black Holes
Zac & Mia
Reincarnation Blues
Prince Charming
The Sun is Also A Star
Milk & Honey
Rainbow in the Cloud
Gmorning Gnight
Real Women Have Curves
Make Your Home Among Strangers
The Farming of Bones
Where the Crawdads Sing
The Sun & Her Flowers

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Ben Platt's Sing Me To Sleep
KATRANADA's BUBBA
Harry Styles's Fine Line
Ariana Grande's thank u, next
BROCKHAMPTON's GINGER
Fun Home Soundtrack
Hadestown Soundtrack
Vanara the Musical Soundtrack

26. What did you want and get?

A speck of stability which I didn't ever think I'd get in the next few years.

27. What did you want and not get?

Inner family peace but we're working on it.

28. What was your favorite film of the year?

As always, there is never one single answer:

Avengers: Endgame
Joker
The Lighthouse
Spiderman: Far From Home
Captain Marvel
The Lion King
Little
Always Be My Maybe
Downton Abbey
After (lmaoooooo)
Let It Snow
Klaus <3

I have yet to see:

Hustlers
Rocketman
Aladdin
Judy
The Two Popes
Good Boys
Honeyland
Peanut Butter Falcon
booksmart
Toy Story 4
Missing Link

29. What is one thing that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Quality time with my dad, my brothers, Natasha, the kitties... And getting beyond lucky when it came to my sweet hallmates and roommate :)

30. How would you describe your fashion concept in 2019?

Comfy girl-next-door

31. What kept you sane?

ASMR. Kiddos. My best friends.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Wow um cool if Hunter Shafer wants to accept my hand in marriage, I would be over the moon <3 Then again, I've got my usual suspects: Zendaya, Tom Holland, Ana de Armas, Lana Condor, Noah Centineo, Joey King, Cole Sprouse, Billie Eilish, Reeve Carney, Eva Noblezada, Ben Platt, Harry Styles, and of course, Lizzo.

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

Sigh. 2019 was not unique in its growing cases of hate and violence. Between the mass shootings, the numerous cases of transphobia, islamophobia, and anti-semitism, the blatant acts of terrorism, raging fires, families being separated and children being put in cages... I just have no words. It is each and every one of our responsibility to be better. This world cannot improve on its own—it is imperative that we step in and make every little tiny difference we can.

34. Who do you miss?

My mom. Suki. My grandparents. My brothers. Phoenix and Scout. Evan & Linnea.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019.

You have courage made of steel, babe. You are made of bravery and determination and perseverance. You are made of stars and exploding galaxies and the Sun and the Moon. There is absolutely nothing you can't do if you put your mind to it. I have every faith that you will succeed. I love you I love you I love you.

36. Quote a song lyrics that sums up your year:

"Woo girl, need to kick off your shoes
Got to take a deep breath, time to focus on you
All the big fights, long nights that you been through
I got a bottle of Tequila I been saving for you
Boss up and change your life
You can have it all, no sacrifice
I know he did you wrong, we can make it right
So go and let it all hang out tonight"

"Good as Hell" by Lizzo

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: Happy Birthday a billion days late Maeve, my dear <3

Turkey Day List #1

Hello, my dudes. I hope you all had a fabulous Thanksgiving (if you celebrate that type of thing) and I hope you can forgive me for not posting this three days ago—I was busy making some DELICIOUS banana bread muffins for my fam. Also, I was wine drunk so you can imagine...

Anyhow, here goes the age-old list you've all been waiting for:

Technology: You allow me to connect with those I'd otherwise have no means of reaching. Thank you.

Banana Bread Muffins: When the rest of the world was sour, you were sweet.

Wimpfheimer: You reignited my love for working with children and I am so lucky to work at such a beautiful place.

Saoirse the Succulent: My beautiful, darling girl. I'm sorry the windowsill gets so cold at night. I wish I could warm you up and keep you happy all the time.

Poe the Printer: The goodest boi there ever was. Our little hardworking man. Jessica and I are so proud of you, buddy.

Everest, Hobbes, Charlotte, Muffins, and Nox: Welcome to the club.

Jessica's supercool Fancy Lamp: I would have been knocked dead in the dark of night if it weren't for you. Plus, you're just kinda all around rad. Couldn't have asked for a better room lamp.

Raymond House: All Hail the Rat King.

Hallway 3 Cen: Thanks for putting up with drunken laughter and a cappella sing-ins and Halloween eggings. You're the real MVPs.

Beats Suite: My home away from 317. I am so glad I became an official suitemate. As stated on the wall of rules. It's a thing now.

Disney+: Where have you been my whole entire life? Every single episode of Suite Life? Yes, please.

The Deece's Late Night Corndogs: Truly, I am convinced you're injected with hallucinogens or some other weird shit. Why else would Jessica and I lose our fucking minds so frequently?

The Library's 24 hour Section: Bro, you've seen some shit. Let's keep that between ourselves, shall we?

Baldwin: Horrific as you are at times, you've helped me through days I didn't think I could step out of bed, so thank you. Really.

Express: For feeding me speedily when I would otherwise have skipped a meal.

Drama 102: Odd and strange and wack and awkward and uncomfortable and wild as this class gets, I'm really thankful for the journey and the creative mind it has made out of me.

Dynamic Women: All the snaps. Too many snaps. This class slaps.

Conditioning Class: Tough as this semester has been, it always felt great to sweat and melt the stress away.

Pell Grants: Thanks for helping ya girl out.

Zoloft: Ditto.

Laser pointers: For providing endless entertainment to my two little monsters. You are a blessing.

All 10 Seasons of Friends: My god, the headaches I endured for you... Were you worth it? Probably not, but you made me pretty damn content most of the time and for that, I can appreciate you.

Potterless Podcast: My one daily indulgence that never fails to make me laugh. If y'all enjoy dumb HP trivia and puns as much as I do, go check it out.

His Dark Materials: I have a new addiction?

Euphoria: Zendaya and Hunter—you have my whole entire heart.

Pinterest: For housing all future hopes and dreams.

Lin's Gmorning, Gnight: You pulled me out of the scariest 24 hours of my life (with the help of my precious Linnea) and brought comfort when I didn't think there was any left in the world. Thank you.

Midnight walks through the Fog: You know why.

I know holidays can be tough but hey! You made it past this one alive! I'm so proud of you!

Stay oh-so-super-warm and accept my love in the chilly days to come.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

The Longest I've Ever Stayed

I've been meaning to post this for a hella long time but I got caught up in things. oops...

As of last week, it would have been exactly two years since I left Vassar. So, technically speaking, this is the longest I've stayed at college ever. Like ever ever. And I dunno, I'm pretty proud of that :)

We're already more than halfway through the semester so I have quite a bit to catch you up on (I promise I'll try to be as brief as I can possibly stand.)

First, maybe I'll introduce you to some people:

Jessica is my roommate. My crazy, demented, neurotic, hilarious, brilliant, talented, kindhearted roommate. Living with her is such a blessing. I seriously could not pick two more opposite people in terms of interests, but holy shit do our living habits coincide. Some highlights of our roommate arrangement: the time Jessica spent 45 minutes recounting the entire plot of Shrek to us; the time Jessica baked two entire pies from scratch for our fellow group; the time I lit a candle that made our room smell like heaven on earth; the time we taught Garret how to put on a bra; the time Jessica got us both pumpkins and we named them Linus and Jackie (short for Ja-que-line); the time we both got high off of eating too many corn dogs and proceeded to cry-laugh for two straight hours; the time we accidentally almost watched porn in the Deece; the time we got caught up in gang shit; the time we both were avoiding contact with a certain boy; the time JESSICA BROUGHT BACK A RICE COOKER (now we can make rice in our room anytime we want woohoo). Anyway, you get the picture.

Gabby is our student fellow (at Vassar, they're basically our RA's except they can't get us into trouble, they're just there to look out for us and be our mentors and such). Gabby is a riot and a half. Beautiful, hilarious, loving, talented, avocado-bearing mother. She's been such a great help and is always such a joy to see around. Much love mom!!! xoxo

Our hallmates (otherwise known as our fellow group) are Charlotte, Leila, Garret, Miles, Robin, and Sara. Every single one of them is so wonderfully unique and silly in their own way. Jessica and I truly lucked out. These peeps are simply the greatest. (To prove to you how freaking much we love each other, we've decided entirely by our own free will that we want to have group dinners on Saturday nights).

Then we've got our newest Owl babies!!! Our nest was joined this year by Madison (love of my life), Eloise (witty queen), and Cameron (genuine goddess). The three of them have been such a lovely addition to the group and their voices are so gorgeous they make me *cry*

Of course, I've still been seeing a lot of Linnea and Evan though it's almost as if we're living in different hemispheres half the time. Schedules are some total bullshit. (I love that I've become an honorary member of the Beats suite—where Linnea lives with Juliana and Martin—because I get full access to a WHOLE ASS PUPPER AND HAMSTER!)

Speaking of schedules tho, I've had a pretty rad semester. Like, luck doesn't even cut it when it comes to how amazing my schedule turned out. I'm taking all classes I ADORE. Among them, I get to go to the gym and get credit, I get to learn special behind the scenes effects that go into theatre, I get to put on mini play productions every single week, I get to work my ass off learning music theory, and I get to ramble to my heart's content about intersectional feminism in Latin America. I could not be more hecking blessed.

My advisor Maria is in the History department (lmao) but she has been such a great help to me in figuring out what I want to do and which paths I'd like to take. Alongside her, I have to credit MaryJo (the head of the educational opportunity and accessibility office) who kept me from drowning underwater and to my therapist Barbara for keeping me afloat. Without them, I'd be so fucking lost. Like, without a doubt.

Oh! And guess what else? I love my job! For work-study, I work at the local nursery school and it is truly the most fun, rewarding, exhausting job I have ever had. I am so lucky to be there and to be learning from some of the most devoted and brilliant teachers in the school.

I should 100% be asleep right now so I'm gonna try to wrap this up yikes

Overall, I am having one hell of a good time. All the things that could possibly have gone right for me this time, have. I'm not trying to jinx it or anything, but I dunno. This time around feels different. I feel so much more ready for college and everything ahead of me than ever before. I'm excited about what I'm doing, I'm excited about where I'm going. Things are finally looking up. Despite all the difficult things and everyday obstacles, I am finally capable of slaying the hell out of them. Before I know it, it'll be the end of this semester and we'll be reaching into the next one.

And once more, since I should very much be asleep right now, Carpe Noctum.

Hasta la próxima!

Much love xoxo

Maya