College???

Wow it's been a while.

I know I meant to keep you updated but I sort of completely forgot because, well, college is hella busy.

Anyhow, I write to you from my current workstudy job as an office assistant (I literally do nothing but get paid for doing my homework, it's kinda great). Should I give you a rundown of the past three weeks? Yes? No? Oh whale, you're getting it anyway, enjoy :)

I moved into my lovely Hogwarts-esque home on August 17th, 2017. The day was blazing hot and busy and overwhelming and a mixture of emotions. I cried when leaving my dad and about a lot of other things but like it's chill I'm fine we're fine everything's fine.

International Orientation was SO BUSY but I loved practically every second of it. That's where I met many of my current friends, among them my Brazilian babe Juliana, our know-it-all Lebanese Honest Wipes Moe, Samira my Bengali cutie, Prat my Indian flower boy, my Singaporean goddess Githu, and Sara my Indian wife/lover. Needless to say, we had a lot of fun together (including our totally illegal party at the TAs in which I may have gotten excessively drunk but shh)

About five days later, the Americans came and not gonna lie, it felt like a fucking invasion. The good news is I finally got to see my lovely bubbly roomie, Linnea <3 (big props to you, my love, I flipping adore you and I can't wait to watch Newsies and make friendship bracelets with you tonight)

Regular orientation was, well, the opposite of fun. Far too packed and busy and excessive and redundant and overwhelming and no me gustó. (I skipped like 70% of the events because they were ew) The upside is I made a few new friends, among them Levi, who I can't describe as anything other than a literal cartoon character with the purest heart I've ever known; Pedro, a crazy combo of Brazil and Tennessee, Michael Gibb and Jon Snow; Anthony, a bleach blonde sass queen from Philly with some common Dominican roots and a music taste to die for; and finally Erica, my adorable Asian American pop punk pixie. I also met my current bitch (jk, I mean best friend), Evan. He likes to think he's Canadian but he's not. I mean, we became friends by mutually laughing over a loud ice machine so, I think I'm doing pretty well for myself XD Ethan, my student fellow (or as all you other plebs call it, RA) is essentially a 40-year-old man in the body of a 19-year-old and is a literal dad and has made my life infinitely easier and for that I couldn't be any more grateful.

In terms of classes, my favorite has gotta be Elementary Italian (we just sing and play games and watch funny videos and it's great.) My freshman seminar Greek Tragedy for Trauma is intense and covers a lot of intense topics but we have really incredible discussions so that's cool. Intro to Psych is exactly what you'd expect, fascinating but a lot of work. I haven't begun my music or education courses yet but I'm super excited to because the professors are supposed to be legends :)

Let's see, what else?

Oh! Well, a cappella auditions are today and tomorrow so I'm casually trying not to die from nerves :)

..........

WOW WOW WOW OKAY COOL THAT WAS ALL WRITTEN LIKE A MILLION YEARS AGO MY BAD LET'S MOVE ON

Soooooo update:

I had a meltdown the night before last and therefore skipped class because I was super sad because depression does that sometimes (thankyouthankyouthankyouevan youareincredible) but I STILL WENT TO WORK BECAUSE I AM A RESPONSIBLE ADULT.

After that, I shuffled my way through two a cappella auditions, the Vastards and the Night Owls, both of which I'd like to think went swimmingly. Feeling exhausted but jittery and slightly bored, Evan and I both went for a walk through the woods in the deadass of night and I kid you not, I could feel a thousand ticks crawling all over me. I hate bugs. So much.

Theeeen we came back to our humble abode, Cushing House, and decided it would be a wonderful idea to watch The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe <3 I can't tell you how sleepy I was after that (I think I fell asleep during the last twenty minutes—eating sour skittles does that to you.) It was all somewhat of a blur, I don't really know. The couch was comfy and I had stolen the entire blanket :)

This morning, I woke up around 11:30ish, realized I had an audition in exactly an hour, booked it to the basement in order to do my laundry, ran back upstairs to change into decent human being clothes, ran through my song a couple times, raced back downstairs to throw my laundry in the dryer before dashing all the way to Main for my audition.

Luckily, this was the group my student fellow, Ethan, was in. So right before I went in, he came out and gave me a hug and gave me the usual pep talk. In I walked and the group of hilariously awkward and amazing humans beamed at me while I shuffled back and forth. I think it went well.

Seeing as I hadn't eaten anything at this point, I hit up our dining hall (affectionately known as the Deece) to eat a total of three melon slices and a really sad banana. I sat with Evan, Levi, and these other girls Abby and Eva. Minutes later, I noticed I was running late for my Devils audition (lowkey my most important one) and so I ran the fuck outta that building only to leave my poor loving water bottle behind dun dun dunnnnnnnn

No worries, though. I called up my main bitch and asked him to bring it to me, which he very kindly did (I didn't realize until afterwards that he ran all the way to Rocky—where my audition was happening—just so I could have my water before my audition.)

I know I give you shit, dude, but you're a gem :)

Let's just say that audition was nerve-wracking as all heck but I kind of had an amazing time??? Anywho, I did one more audition for a group called BAM! before Evan and I had to walk back to the Deece just so I could get real food this time. The time in between is kinda faded to me at the moment but I think we walked back to Cushing so we could catch up on homework (until Evan proceeded to have an existential crisis but oh whale he's fine now).

Bla bla bla time passes, I take excessive notes for my Intro Psych class, Evan bitches about his freshman seminar that he desperately wants to drop, and then I check my email and I get a callback.

And then another one.

And another one.

And another.

Until I get emails back from all five groups I auditioned for and could not feel any happier :)

So it looks like I have many callback thingys to attend tomorrow and I'll know which groups have officially accepted me by tomorrow night! Much excite.

Other interesting things that have happened in no particular order:

Some kid on my hall has a bird named Harpo that he takes with him everywhere and he's kind of really popular.

I've had dangerously painful laugh attacks just about every single day I've been here and I don't know how to feel about it.

I had to deal with an extremely not fun stalking situation but not to worry, it is dealt with and I am safe and okay and I had incredible friends to help me through it <3

I haven't broken out the pajamas-to-class look yet so GO MAYA!

I licked a battery. Odds is not a fun game.

My best drunken conversation occurred lying atop a bridge.

I trespassed a nursery school after hours to get into their playground.

I FINALLY PUT MY MATTRESS TOPPER UNDER MY COVERS IT WAS DRIVING ME CRAZY

Someone in Main dorm pooped their pants and left it in the shower to rot.

We had our first shower sex scandal of the year on the second floor.

Late night ice cream is the best ice cream.

I did many adult things like filling out documents and federal forms and stuff and I am proud of myself :)

I wrote words of encouragement on random white boards in the science building because it's all about spreading the love my dudes <3

The a cappella showcase gave me goosebumps it was so exciting ahhhhhhhhhh

I've seen so many deer and chipmunks and squirrels and dogs and birds and groundhogs here and I feel like a Disney princess *insert heart eyes*

I've gotten paper cuts on far too many occasions and it's pissing me off.

Aaaaaaaand I can't quite think of anything else currently so I'll get back to you if anything insane happens.

All in all, I flipping love this place, even though I'm just starting to get accustomed to it. I truly believe I made the right choice. At least for now. We'll see.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Today's the Day!

Hi friends :)

Well, after a good long seventeen years, the day is finally come.

Yep. Maya moves into college today.

I can barely believe it myself.

I feel like I've been looking forward to this moment for years now and I sort of don't know how to feel now that it's here.

Well, for one, I slept maybe a total of two good minutes last night before waking up and lying awake, unable to fall back asleep from anxiety.

I mean, don't get me wrong, Vassar is pretty much everything I've ever dreamed of and more. Heck, both my parents went there and that's how they met—simple as that. I guess it's just that growing up hearing infamous stories and the like built so many subconscious expectations in me that I'm having a hard time managing it.

Ughhh there are so many things I need to do and people to meet and things to unpack and stuff to buy and I am truly, truly excited but I'm also lowkey gonna shit myself so that's where I'm at, folks.

Anyhow, I've gotta get going here, chicuelos. The moving van summons my presence.

Will update you later on how it all pans out. Hopefully. Maybe. Probably not.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Present Positives :)

Hi friends!

I know it's been a while. I'm sorry, my bad. But anyway, I went back to my blog and read the last couple of entries and noticed an unbelievably depressing pattern. While I don't apologize for my writing—because I meant every last one of those words—I do apologize for the seemingly endless somber tone. The past few weeks, hell, the whole summer's been filled with challenges and ups and downs and bouts of depression and anxiety and things... HOWEVER. Considering I am done with work and finally have free time again, I thought I'd catch you up or something on all the not-so-awful things going on :) Sorry if this isn't exactly terribly important, I just thought my blog could use a change of tone.

First and foremost:

HAPPY 36TH BIRTHDAY, HARRY JAMES POTTER!!!

My dude is getting quite old if y'all hadn't noticed. (Daniel Radcliffe, on the other hand, is looking fine as ever *cue heart eyes*)

Okay okay okay where to start...

Well, as I mentioned, I no longer have to go to work and wake up at 6am and have no life so that is super great!!! Don't get me wrong, I love every last one of my precious girls but they were quite a handful and I found myself losing my voice for days at a time. Plus it's nice to be able to sleep in.

Mami's also been taking us to see "live" screened performances from London (I say "live" cuz of the timezone difference so it's not actually live by the time we get to see it but no matter). Over the past two weeks, I got to see The Old Vic's production of Twelfth Night (which holds a dear place in my heart seeing as it was the first Abbey production I was ever in) and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead. Let me just say, holy fucking hell, they are exactly the reason I want to pursue theater. Like, just the sheer dramaticism and boldness of the actors was so unbelievably hysterical and captivating UGH I was so in love <3 Now, Imma just gush about them for a bit so pay no mind.

Okay wow guys just wow wow wow so Twelfth Night was set in a more modern time and it was uber gender-bent and like it worked so flawlessly and seamlessly and their choice for music (live music, btw) was so perfect and well-executed and hysterical like the musicians had no lines but they were onstage almost all the time and would react to the stuff happening onstage and it was amazing and I loved it and I also freaking love the fact that they cast actors from all different places of the UK like they all had different accents and it made it all so much more interesting I dunno maybe that's just me but anywho I was so so so in love with the woman who played Viola like holy wow first of all the fact that they had so many POC in this show was SO AWESOME and just yay yay yay

End of Rant No.1

Now for Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead lemme just say that I HAD NO CLUE MY BABY DANIEL RADCLIFFE WAS GONNA BE IN IT like no one informed me of this??? I was not emotionally prepared??? And to top it all off, let me just point out that he played Rosencrantz, which was the exact role Gary Oldman played a bazillion years ago. Who's Gary Oldman, you say? Why no other than the man who played fucking SIRIUS BLACK!!! In other words, HARRY POTTER'S GODFATHER!!! In other words, Daniel Radcliffe was meant to play the part cuz his onset godfather played the part and both of them were literally perfect for the role like I cannot even begin to explain it to you like this show was just the perfect combination of hysterical and deep as shit holy wow like don't get me wrong it is incredibly existentialist and philosophical and complicated at times but as someone who highkey loves that stuff, it was unbelievable. I cried and laughed actual tears and found myself mesmerized time and time again by the sheer TALENT these actors brought to the stage. Probably one of my favorite shows to date.

End of Rant No.2

SO now that that's out of the way... I have more things to tell you! So as you may or may not know, I am attending my parent's alma mater in the fall and I am beyond excited for many many many reasons, reasons I shall list below:

1. Their theater program is AMAZING. Like, hands down, one of the best in the country for non-art schools.

2. I shall be taking Italian which I've wanted to learn since I was five years old.

3. I shall also be taking an introduction to Psychology and an introduction to Jazz Dance which I am beyond pumped for.

4. THEIR A CAPPELLA MIGHT AS WELL BE PROFESSIONAL LIKE HOLY SHIT I WOULD PAY GOOD MONEY TO WATCH THEM PERFORM BUT THE GOOD THING IS I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO

5. I plan on auditioning for one of said a cappella groups.

6. Weird as fuck coincidence, by random selection, I ended up being sorted into the same dorm my mom lived in when she was a student. And to prove that it's even more of a perfect match, people at the college affectionately call it the Hogwarts dorm. Like could this be any more ideal?

7. As of tomorrow, I can start applying for work study jobs which will be v great cuz I shall be v broke.

8. They have a brand new dining service this year which includes A FUCKING FOOD TRUCK like omg yes I 1000% approve.

9. I will be only about two hours away from my dad so I can see him more often than not :)

10. It's fucking gorgeous there and the people I've met so far are incredible and intelligent and hilarious and kind and cool and nonjudgemental and I am so in love with every aspect of this school. (Shoutout to my roomie, Linnea <3 This year's gonna be great!)

And of course many other reasons I can't even begin to list I can't wait to finally be hella gay 

In other news, Papi moved to a new apartment (or will move as of this Friday) and he finally has it all to himself and IT HAS A BATHTUB!!! Now, before you ask me why I'm so enthusiastic about the bathtub, please know that my apartment in DR is absent of one and I haven't been able to take a bubble bath in literally two years. Also know that I am a hygiene freak and a bath product enthusiast and enjoy all things that smell divine which is why I own an unnecessary amount of soaps and bath bombs and bath salts and such. EXCEPT I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO USE THEM UNTIL NOW. So life is great, my dudes, life is great.

Another thing I should probably mention is my newfound addiction to Say Yes To The Dress. Like, I already knew I was into it but I'd never actually binged it 'til this weekend. And let me just say that it is such an unbelievably feel good reality show like wow wow wow the bride's excitement and happiness is so contagious and I love every bit of it. Plus I find myself talking to the screen more than usual. Typically when I find a dress hideous beyond words but you know, it happens. (Shoutout to my new friend Ellie who has vowed to binge watch it with me when we get to college—I love you girl! Hugs and kisses for you!)

OTHER FUN UPDATE: after weeks and weeks and weeks of planning and rescheduling and conflicts and shit, I finally get to marathon Harry Potter with my bestie, Pri. Pizza and blankets and fuzzy socks will be involved so I am so beyond excited for tomorrow!

AND AND AND even though I promised myself to never watch Game of Thrones (didn't feel like giving into the hype, chafeel?) I am actually now in the middle of Season Two so fuck my life cuz it's like really good. Ugh.

Other thing I am super duper mega uber proud of: I have finished reading a total of 12 books this summer, all by my little self. I know, I am v shocked. If only if only I could read academic books that quickly... *sigh* Oh whale.

Let's see, let's see, what else? OH! Well, this weekend, the fam is headed to the beach except we're going to be camping there??? So that should be interesting. Let's just say I'm not much of a nature gal :P

I HAD A REALLY COOL DREAM ABOUT NARNIA LAST NIGHT BUT IT'D BE WAY TOO COMPLICATED TO EXPLAIN SO JUST TAKE MY WORD FOR IT

I am unbelievably excited for sweater weather, my guys. Like you have no idea. Summer here has been suffocating and I need me some chilly vibes.

Pinterest has been like my best friend that last couple of weeks and I'm afraid I'm turning into a middle-aged white woman.

My dog is also adorable. Thought you should know that.

If you are still reading this, I commend you and please know that I appreciate your soul very, very much. Best wishes to all you lovely pumpkins <3

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: Remember to drink water!!! Treat yourself as you would a small child!!!

Fragments of a Fragile Mind

The universe works in funny ways. Last week, things got a bit dark and fuzzy again.

If it weren't for my dearest friends, I don't know where I'd be.

Here are mere fragments of the things said, all from different conversations, bits and pieces of the state of mind.

The purpose was to show the scattered frenzy that I can become and ultimately, to show that you are not alone. The fact that I'm writing this right now proves that I was not alone, even if it felt that way.

I can assure you at this moment in time I am safe and okay.

Caution: May contain triggering content. If you are ever at risk, please get help. I beg of you.

..........

Sorry sorry

I feel sick

So many things happened

How can I not let that define me?

I was trying to be rhetorical, asshole

The sad part is I wanna try again...

Except I wanna succeed this time

I wanna hurt again

So fucking badly

I am so so sorry

I won't do anything tonight

But I cannot tell you how lovely dying sounds

How lovely slipping away sounds

I

I'm trying to be okay

Over and over again

I love you all so much it hurts but I can't tell you how much I want to die

I'm so fucking weak

But I can't get out of my head

You shouldn't love me

Fuck

I want to go

I want to go so badly

My head is pounding

So exhausted

But I'm all snot and tears and yucky

All I'm gonna dream about is dying and I'm scared

I'm sorry for keeping you up

I just feel so fucking lonely

Fucking hell

I just wanna be loved

I don't wanna be judged

I wanna be hugged and told that I matter

And fall asleep not hating myself

I want people to fucking give a shit about me

I don't want to disappear into nothingness

I want to hurt because I don't know how else to be okay

I want the outside to match the inside

Just

I just can't go to work

There's so much blood

I'm literally itching for sharp edges

I'm craving it holy fuck is this what addiction feels like?

I can feel the hurt in my chest, I can physically locate it

I don't even like blood

And how I could so easily drown myself there

It feels like there's this little parasite in my brain telling me that I want things that I don't really want

And I'm too tired to cry anymore

It's just been the worst night ever

Just know that I love you please

And I hope that you love me

But I cannot promise you that I won't try again

I'm sorry if I've failed you

I didn't mean to scare you I'm so sorry

Goddammit 

I just really want to not exist

And I can't bear to put you through another Rosie

I want to end it so bad

I feel like I'm suffocating

But I'm not actually sick

My head throbs

Please don't leave me

I feel lonely

Not your fault

And I couldn't think and my heart was literally ITCHING, like a mosquito bite but inside of me

And I kept scratching at my chest and trying to breathe but it was suffocating

I felt physically attacked

My head was pounding with a migraine. It still is.

And I just can never win ever

I am never right

I am never understood

I'm still in bed

I just feel so unaccepted here

I'm just so angry

I just feel bad

I haven't eaten since 7:30pm last night

I don't want this to get worse

Everything feels so foggy right now

My whole body feels heavy

I still can't get out of bed

I don't know

I'm sorry it's not like I meant to

I love you too

..........

Bless the hearts who endured with me through the early hours of the morning. I couldn't have done it without you.

Please know that I am home and safe and okay. As okay as I can be.

And again, please get help if you are in need of assistance. It is the best thing that will ever happen to you.

I love you all.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

My Friends and the Hundreds of Millions of Things That They Are

Hello loves. I was doing a bit of tumblring the other day when I happened upon something quite interesting and this, right here, my dears, is my attempt at recreating that.

Please don't take offense, just know that every one of these things is what makes me love you even more <3

..........

Claire: nineteen, goldilocks 'til the day she dies, red lipstick and waterproof mascara, films everything her friends do because my god she loves them, blogposts and dark chocolate, bandanas and shades on-the-go, band-T's and pointe shoes, eats trail mix by the pound, chipped nail polish, a smile that makes her eyes crease like sun-rays, car keys and sunscreen, loud music or no music, pancakes and OJ, proud Ravenclaw, Stitchers and T-swizzle, too much perfume and unabashed cackling, no one loves more fiercely than she.

Fonts: twenty-one, begins most sentences with a pun, beer cans and flip-flops, life of the party or first one to crash, bass amps and drunken texts, light hazing and hidden compliments, pocket poetry and solid ground, old music and sage advice, glazed eyes and wide smiles, thoughts that expand beyond the universe, engages in many a poke battle, polo shirts and Bermuda shorts, relentless, Bruce Springsteen and ping-pong, loud singing and wholesome memes, unafraid of dropping everything for the ones he loves.

Mike: twenty, prickly stubble and bone-crushing hugs, goofy smiles and 3/4 socks, dad glasses and drumsticks, honesty and lack of grace, undecipherable texts and American chop suey, the calm after the storm (but sometimes also the storm), Brother Bear and a desire to be needed, pinky promises and Buffalo pizza, impulsive and stupid and an absolute goon, Star Wars and Lord of the Rings, pats on the back and words of encouragement, protective to a fault, Dunkin' Donuts and tired eyes, will always forgive and welcome you back.

Caellum: nineteen, a mess of curls and a jumpy personality, drives too fast, plays too loud, calloused hands and muscle-T's, Shakespeare extraordinaire, color-changing eyes and itty bitty handwriting, microphones and videogames and headphones that don't fit, brooding in shadows and existentialist thoughts, miles of legs with nowhere to go, ice cream and sarcasm, tea leaves and liquor, unfinished poetry and skinny jeans, beanies and irony, weed and cologne, fingerless gloves and Sherlock quotes, Disney movies and warm blankets, loves too deeply, falls too quickly, a force to be reckoned with.

Amanda: seventeen, angels and demons, ukulele strings, snapbacks and leather jackets, bugspray and cigarettes, drunk texts and watchful eyes, rollercoasters and hand-holding, Lauren Jauregui and skin-tight jeans, a mix of perfume and cologne, sly smirks and ringed fingers, hair like a black cascade, sketches and journals and soul sealed shut, danger and risk but excitement, Netflix and whispers in the dark, wears confidence like a cape, literal child and puppy-lover, nightmares and after-cuddles, crucifixes and hockey sticks, sunflower seeds and tough love, a knowing spirit with a knowing heart.

Tom: twenty, wild red mane and height of a tree, high-pitched giggles and shiny guitars, head-banging while lip-synching your favorite songs, all real and there and present, brilliant at one-too-many things, guitar picks and tuners and cool toys, munchies for days, laughter that rattles your soul, eyes that live only in the right now, resident ginger and cheerer upper, John Mayer and unfinished lyrics, mac 'n cheese and Mountain Dew, heart of a lion and drive of a motor engine, never have I ever met a more generous soul.

Sophia: nineteen, basketball hoops and keyboards, laughter that can light up an entire room, no bullshit and no bounds, Adidas and crops tops, mono and cough drops, bouncy black curls and nose rings, jam sessions and inside jokes, ziplock bags filled with NyQuil, lights fireworks as she speaks, heart and soul and no holding back, voice like melted chocolate, secret sororities and med-school lingo, cocoa butter and lactose intolerance, late night chats under magical skies, airplane buddies and mutual hatred, the Angelica to my Eliza, lives every day like her last, consider yourself blessed to be her friend.

Lauryn: sixteen, loud jokes and snide remarks, tight braids and big doe-eyes, musicals and rap battles, pineapples and EpiPens, bra-flinger and tickling extraordinaire, 10/10 will fight you, fanfiction and One Direction, uneven tans and Mexican jokes, talent for making anything sexual, insults those she loves most, Jeff and memes and Capri Suns, an explosion that cannot be contained, hot sauce and banter and booty, stubborn and unflinching, will screenshot anything to blackmail you, butt grabs and raspberry chocolate, 1000% under-appreciated and the whole world needs to know what a wonder she is.

Kelila: seventeen, gentle eyes and flashing teeth, cherry allergies and Dr. Pepper, loudest at the table and quietest in her head, all purple and soft and aching, horses and ice-chewing and violas, converse and rainbows, poetry etched into the corners of notebooks, can always tell when something is wrong, sour gummies and insomnia and clumsiness, injuries and sweet tooths, loud sneezes and cold hands, indecisive, unpredictable, fuzzy and caring and warm, brilliant, hysterical and capable, small lil daisy waiting to bloom.

Riley: sixteen, vanilla and baby powder, mixtapes and distracks, laughs too loud and smiles too big, platonic kisses and baggy T-shirts, polar and extreme, selfies and finsta posts, gummy bears and no filters, hockey sticks and tight dresses, chokers and smiling eyes and too-honest remarks, strawberry blonde and extra butter, glitter eyeliner and softball gloves, a gaze like staring into a galaxy, voice trembling with vibrato, can't help how she feels, tries her damned hardest, all aboard the Angst Express, eyelashes that never stop growing, messy buns and leggings and a desire to be loved.

Megan: seventeen, tangled hair and hot chocolate, long lashes and turtlenecks, excited squeals from miles away, hidden hickeys and homemade nachos, marshmallow-soft hugs and dance parties, shopping buddy and fellow dickphobe, unable to say no, fleece sweatshirts and peppermint, big spoon and hums of approval, Better Spouse with freaky feet, Harry Potter and John Green, leg warmers and organized chaos, mismatched socks and wooly mittens, all of the beauty and all of the charm, will kiss you on the forehead and gift you chestnuts for good luck, basically the purest human I know.

Emma: fifteen, blue eyes like a crystal sea, unknowing of what she wants, eccentric vegetarian, Dutch braids and no grace, Play-Do and Snapchat filters, can't dance and can't be left alone, Mario Kart and fuzzy socks, blue veins and pink cheeks, will travel great distances to keep you fed, mind ablaze with a thousand thoughts per minute, juice boxes and MiniWheats, contagious laughter and made-up songs, one second she loves you and the next—watch out, avoids confrontation, Stitch and bracelets and pockets of sunshine, boybands and playfights and unconditional love, tends to view life through a catastrophic lens, sizzles and pops and just wants to be good enough, my precious child.

..........

So there you have it. Accurate or way off? You let me know ;)

Missing you all a bunch and a half!

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

All the Important Words

The thing about writing important words is at first, no matter what, they're gonna sound like crap. And for a while now, I've been sitting here thinking of important words and the various forms they could be rearranged so they sound like something real but I guess sometimes the important stuff is just gonna sound like crap anyway. Am I making any sense? Oh, bother.

I guess my point is I'm sat here on my bed in a Vassar V-neck and it's 86 degrees outside and I've got second degree burns on my arms and legs from river rafting and I've been up for a consecutive twelve hours trying to finish a book and my owl glasses are on and my face is a mess but I pulled myself together enough so I could sit here and try to write important words.

See, I just finished reading Jennifer Niven's All the Bright Places and without spoiling anything, I can tell you that novel takes you on one heck of a ride. I speak as a teenager. I speak as a seventeen-year-old girl who knows what it's like to love someone so very much and lose them anyhow. I speak as someone who has been there, on every single side of the equation. Listen, recent events in my own life may have allowed for this book to dig a deeper hole in my heart than perhaps it may have if everything had been all right.

My parents are recently divorced.

My very good friend took her own life.

I split with my longterm boy/best friend.

The dark is creeping its way back in and my country is on the brink of revolution.

And yet I am grateful. You see, if anything, All the Bright Places has made me feel more Awake than ever. If you ever read the book (which I highly recommend you do), you'll know what that means. It's just... It's filled with important words—things that need to be said. About adolescence, about mental illness, about friendships, relationships, people, life. We're all just people trying to understand one another and sometimes we think we speak the same language when really, we should be paying more attention to our dialect.

I don't know if that made sense.

In any case, I was in the kitchen a couple of minutes ago, sleep deprived and eating a shitty apple, when suddenly I wanted nothing more than to shout all the important words—loud enough for all the important people to hear.

I love you. More than anything.

Don't leave me.

Please.

I wanted to beg but then the important people would have been alarmed and thought I'd gone insane.

But maybe I am.

Maybe we're all insane and we're all just trying to get by as quickly and quietly and unnoticed as possible?

I'm hungry again. The apple was spoiled, anyway.

I look up at the mirror on my wall and I quite literally feel as though I've aged in the past twelve hours. I can't begin to explain... Just... Like it's just finally there was someone in the world who knew. She knew, and she grabbed the important words and arranged them perfectly and wrote them down and now they're out in the world.

Sue me for having a marshmallow heart, it came with the package.

I need to get my mind off this book, off the fatigue, off the feverish sunburn, so I open my closet and rummage for nail polish.

Only I just remembered I'm shit at painting nails.

My arms look puffy. I think they're swollen from the burn.

I sometimes think my thoughts are much like an angry sunburn: light and near unnoticeable at first, but building in color, building in rage as time goes on; painful and red and stubborn and unflinching when pulled; stinging and burning and seething when touched.

I stand up and feel the skin pull taut around my knees, like rubbery leather. Those for sure will leave an ugly tan.

I wish I could make all these thoughts more cohesive. I'm not really sure which direction I'm going in anymore.

But none of us do.

It's all a mystery and who knows, maybe that's the best part.

I tried to take a nap but all I could think of were Luc and Rosie.

And then all the people who were taken too soon.

What if Matt hadn't fallen asleep and what if Genji had worn a seatbelt and what if Ben hadn't been drinking that night and what if Luc had warned someone and what if someone had just known about Rosie, what if...?

I miss them all so much it hurts.

I dreamt of Rosie and of Luc and just pictured myself hugging them and apologizing over and over and over, tears streaming down my face and they just looked down at me and smiled and patted my head and didn't say a word.

But they were right there. Right in front of me and I couldn't do a damn thing to save them now.

It just didn't seem real. None of it seems real. It's been months and months and none of it seems real.

I suspect it's the sort of pain one doesn't ever really get over, just learns to cope with.

To all my important people:

Know that you are loved. You are so loved and like it or not, you are a part of every single person you've met. You have changed them and become a part of their story and goodness gracious, they would not be where they are today if it weren't for you.

Know that you are needed. I need you. Holy fuck, do I need you. Don't you dare leave me. Not anytime soon.

Know that time will heal. I sound like a right hypocrite because I'm guilty of tricking myself into believing none of it will ever be okay again. But that's simply not true. You've got to believe that someday, you will be okay again. Things will be okay again. And if it's not okay, it's not the end.

I suspect my train of thought has dragged you all over the place by now. I'm sorry.

My mind is a messy place, but you already knew that.

I'm hungry. I should probably go do something about that.

Take care of yourselves, please. Treat yourself like you would a small child.

I love you.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

The Field

Hello fellow readers. I dunno why the idea for this story has been swimming around in my head for a while but I kinda needed to get it written down before it drove me crazy. I dunno if it will make much sense to anyone or if it will even be enjoyable to read but alas, here you go.

..........

I don't know why he made us do it.

Besides, it's not like he even had the right—he just got here. New subs never know what the fuck they're doing.

Detention's never been a joyride but it sure as hell was never this bad.

One Friday after school he just decided to do it, though. I don't know why we didn't just run away. 

All four of us piled into the back of his pickup while he drove us out of the lot, then out of the neighborhood, and then out of the town.

The other three didn't seem to give a shit about what was goin' on.

Jason stretched an arm out the side of the truck, spitting up gobs of saliva and watching them splash on the road as we zipped past.

Amy kept her head down, knees pulled up to her chest while she picked at her arms incessantly.

Becca toyed with the chain around her neck and sucked the crucifix into her mouth. She's an atheist.

Me?

I tugged the beanie over my eyes and decided I might as well take a nap while I'm at it.

'cept the road got bumpier and I could tell we weren't nowhere near Cortland anymore.

Just fields. For miles and miles.

He pulled up to the side of the road.

"All right, dirtbags, get outta the car," Mr. Lawlor said matter-of-factly, like it wasn't weird that he just pulled up in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere and asked four teenagers to hop outta his truck.

"Lawlor, what the hell we doin' here?" Jason spat at the ground and folded his arms across his chest.

Jason's a real manly guy. You know, real tall, beefy, linebacker... That sort.

His brother served in the army. Hadn't seen him for two years.

"I'll tell ya what we're doin' here," Mr. Lawlor began.

The girls hopped off the pickup and Becca leaned against a tire, the crucifix still in her mouth.

Amy stared at the ground.

"You four are gonna do as I say, ya hear?" he took up this weird authoritative voice, one none of us had heard before.

I watched Becca tense up out the corner of my eye.

"Elliot!"

I turned my head to face him.

"Tell me what you see," Mr. Lawlor said.

My eyes widened at the rope in his hands. My words caught in my throat.

"I-uh..." I blinked, "Rope, sir?"

"That's right, son, now show me your hands,"

I could sense the others around me and I wondered if they all expected me to bolt.

Listen, I'm no track star, never was, never will be. And it was gettin' dark out and I had no idea where I was and...

"Good man," Mr. Lawlor wrapped a tight cord around my wrists, binding them in front of me.

"You kid, c'mere," he was talking to Amy.

I could tell she was shakin' real bad but wasn't making any moves to run away.

Neither were Becca or Jason.

You see, whatever happened out here couldn't be worse than what was waitin' for us back home.

Mr. Lawlor took the end of my rope and looped it around her wrists, binding us together like cattle down a line.

Amy started picking at her hands.

"Mr. Figg, hands please,"

Jason didn't comply at first but he figured what the hell? He owed us that much.

"And lastly, pretty girl, I'm gonna need your hands,"

"What for? I don't do handjobs," Becca didn't bat an eyelash.

Amy stifled a laugh.

"I'm afraid that won't be happenin' today, Miss Hansen," and with that, Mr. Lawlor grabbed both her wrists and pulled the cord, far tighter this time.

"'Scuse the precaution, kids, I just can't have none of you runnin' away, you see..."

"Lawlor, tell us what the fuck we're doin' tied up in the middle of nowhere," Jason was getting impatient and you could tell by the way he grew about a foot while speaking.

"Jason, I don't care for your language right about now." his tone was unbearably condescending.

"Yeah? Well I don't care for your shit right about now! So if you could kindly tell us what the hell is goin' on, we would highly appreciate it," Jason was making Amy nervous.

I could feel her whole body shakin' right next to me.

"All right, since you asked so politely, I'll start with Miss Hansen over here," Mr. Lawlor put both hands on Becca's shoulders and ushered her away from us, out into the fields and far away.

"Get your fuckin' hands off me!" we heard her screech at him, but I don't think it did much difference.

It was so dark now, we couldn't hardly see each other's faces.

"Shit, guys, what's he gonna do to her? We need to get the hell outta here!" it was the first time I ever saw Jason panic.

Amy started tuggin' at the cord that bound us together.

"It's no use tryna run away, we're still connected to her," I said, nodding towards the yards and yards of rope between our connected knots.

Jason tried wriggling out of his cord but it didn't matter.

We weren't gettin' outta here, the rope was too tight.

Then we heard it.

A shriek more piercing than anythin' I'd ever heard before, like it was splitting the air around us.

Amy's eyes widened in fear and I tried to think of something, anything that could make her feel better.

But then it came again, louder and followed by broken words and hackin' sobs.

"DON'T—GODDAMMIT—KILL ME! JESUS CHRIST—KILL ME!—PLEASE!"

Becca sounded like she was choking on somethin' and for a second I thought it might be her crucifix.

The irony in that would just be...

"Holy shit, man, we gotta do somethin'!" Jason was looking at me pleadingly now.

Amy looked to be absorbed in her own world, 'cept the skin round her nails was bleedin'.

"What do you mean?! We interfere, we're both dead!"

"Elliot, get your head outta your ass and help me think of somethin'!" Jason looked as if he were about to cry.

I shut my eyes real tight and tried to channel Lin.

Lin was my big sis. She was great at everythin'. Smart, beautiful, talented. You know.

Only one night she and her boyfriend got drunk and he tried to drive her back to our place, but...

Well, you get the idea.

I opened my eyes and turned my head to follow Amy's gaze.

He was back.

Without Becca.

The fields were quieter now.

My eyes scanned his body for blood but I didn't see any.

Did he just...? Did he choke her to death...?

God, that must be a bad way to go.

"Jason? The fields are waitin' for you," Mr. Lawlor had some sort of sickly grin plastered on his face and I wanted nothin' more than to clob it off.

Jason's eyes met mine for a split second before I saw him visibly tense up and make his way over to our sub, a stiffness in his gait.

I gave him a small nod and held my breath 'til I couldn't see him anymore.

"Ohmygod,"

I turned my head and there's Amy, trickles of blood trailing down her fingertips and splattering in neat drops on the ground.

"Fuck, Amy! Stop that!" I tried to pick her hands apart but the way I was tied up, I just couldn't.

"Ohmygod" she kept whispering to herself and I could see the tears pooling in her eyes.

She picked more intensely at her hands and before I could scold her again, we heard Jason.

It wasn't as pained as Becca's scream, it was more of an... angry yell?

I shut my eyes again and tried not to think too hard about it.

"Fuck fuck fuck! I can't let him take me... I-I need to get outta here, I need to... I need," Amy's eyes were glazed over and her chest seemed to be moving up and down a bit too fast.

"Hey, Amy, you gotta relax, kid," I tried to coax her, "It'll be easier for you that way,"

"No no no no no! You don't—you don't understand, I... My Ma! Elliot, without me, where's Ma gonna get her shit, I—"

"Shit? Amy, what shit? What're you on about?" I couldn't understand her.

I'd known Amy since kindergarten but we'd never so much as had a five minute conversation together.

"Her drugs, for God's sake! My Ma's an addict, I thought everyone knew!" she looked at me with pure anger in her eyes and that's when we heard Jason's screams again.

"I HATE YOU!—I—I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING!—FUCKIN' H-HELL, I—FUCK YOU!"

What Jason said threw us both off for a bit.

I dunno, it just sounded a bit... personal? To be screamin' it at Mr. Lawlor, at least.

Gave him everything?

"I hope it's fast,"

I looked at Amy and saw her eyes shut tight. I figured I'd follow suit.

The last of Jason's screams blew away in the wind as Amy and I waited for our turn.

And then he was back.

"You're next, darlin'. You'll thank me later, Miss Evans, I promise," Mr. Lawlor winked at Amy and she struggled on for as long as I could see her.

The dark took over after that.

How in the hell did I end up here?

Fuck it, I shoulda listened to Lin when I had the chance.

"Stop smart-mouthin' the teachers, you hear?"

"I know, Lin, I know, they just—they're so dumb sometimes!"

"Suck it up, kiddo, that's life. Now quit the sass and stay outta detention!"

She was always tellin' me to do the right thing, you know?

After the crash, I—our dad, well... Lin was my dad's favorite. Everybody knew that.

After she... Well, my dad started goin' out a lot and comin' back home at three, four in the morning, and...

He didn't like me very much. I tried to stay outta his way but... Anyway.

"I TRIED, GODDAMMIT!—I TRIED, AND YOU—JUST LISTEN TO ME!"

Amy sounded like her throat was being torn to shreds.

I felt sorry that I never paid her attention much. She was real beautiful when you really looked at her.

"WHY CAN'T YOU JUST?–GOD, WHY CAN'T YOU LOVE ME?!"

What?

Did she and Mr. Lawlor have a...?

No, but she couldn't have. Mr. Lawlor only started subbing a month ago, that's too soon, that—

Then she screamed again. This shrill, hot fire of a sound, like the ground was vibratin' underneath you or somethin' was clawing at your chest.

I wanted her to stop. I wanted it all to stop.

Why didn't he just kill us on the spot? Isn't that what he wanted?

I thought back to Becca and Jason.

Becca and I used to be good friends, you know... Back in middle school.

Her father was a preacher and she'd been to church every Sunday since she was a baby.

'cept somewhere along the line, I dunno, we just kinda... stopped being friends, I guess?

Then the rumors started about her father pimpin' her out to his friends and, well...

No wonder she stopped believin' in God.

Jason and I, though... We never really saw each other 'cept for detention.

His brother used to go to our school. Jamie, he... Jamie never went to college, you know.

Jamie went straight into the army. He was real popular in school.

Jason, though... I guess he was always just in Jamie's shadow. Somethin' like that, I suppose.

I heard his Ma's real tough on him. I heard she threw him outta the house once.

"Elliot Moss, looks like you're my last one."

I shook off the last of my wanderin' thoughts and looked up.

I took a deep breath before following him.

Mr. Lawlor placed a hand on my shoulder that made my skin crawl.

"Look, sir, whatever you're plannin' to do, just... Just make it quick, alright?" I held my breath and waited for something.

I sensed that we were far, far out in the field somewhere. I couldn't make out the pickup anymore.

"Nonsense, Mr. Moss, I'd just like to ask you a few questions," he looked at me as if he were harmless.

What kind of sick bastard was he?

I nodded, wanting to get it over with.

"Your mother, she's passed on, hasn't she?"

I tensed up. It wasn't a question.

"How did you—?"

"I'm a teacher, Elliot. We've got access to all your records," he said it as if it were obvious.

I fought the urge to puke.

"Now, I take it your mother was a nice woman, Elliot. What can you tell me about your father?"

I wanted to punch this guy in the throat.

"You have no right to—!"

"Your father, Elliot, what has your father done to you?" he raised his voice at me and it took everything in me not to shrink away.

"My father hasn't done anything to me," I lied between gritted teeth.

"Then tell me why you're shaking right now, tell me!" Mr. Lawlor grew three times his size and I swear I couldn't see the end of him.

"I'm not—I—Fuck you!" I clenched my fists through the ropes and swallowed the lump in my throat.

"You had a sister, didn't you? Real bright, wasn't she?" he circled around me and I felt my chest tighten.

"Don't you talk about Lin—" I started but he cut me off.

"Lin, was it? She could've been anythin' she wanted. Your father wanted her to go to medical school, didn't he?"

I wanted nothing more than to impale this bastard with scathing knives.

"What? How did—?"

"The files, Elliot! The files! Now, focus!" his voice rang in my ears like a chainsaw.

"When she died, he wanted you to be just like her, didn't he?"

"I—"

"Didn't he?!"

"YES! FOR FUCK'S SAKE—YES!" I gasped and swallowed a sob.

"When she died, do you think he resented you?" I hated the way Mr. Lawlor had burrowed inside my brain.

I couldn't even tell where his voice was comin' from anymore.

"I—no, he—"

"His only daughter's dead and he's stuck with you! Now, Elliot, tell me, did you pay for it?!" he grabbed me by the collar.

"LET GO OF ME, YOU BASTARD! LET GO!" I screamed, knowing no one would hear me.

Mr. Lawlor swung his arm back, ready to punch and I lost all sense of who I was.

"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! IT'S—IT'S NOT MY FAULT!—I'M SORRY, DAD, I'M SORRY!"

"Fuckin' scream, Elliot, I want you to scream for it," Mr. Lawlor placed a hand on my shoulder.

I let out the wildest yell I think I'd ever made in my life and crumbled to the ground in a heap.

I couldn't see anymore.

"That's good, kid, that's good..."

The rest is a blur.

..........

So. Yeah. I wasn't quite sure how to end it since I wanted you guys to kinda come up with your own conclusions...

Sorry if that was a load of bullshit I just made you read. Anyway. Let me know your thoughts and such. It'd be much appreciated.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya