Portrait of a Dissatisfied Teen

I hate what I see. I shouldn't, I know. But I do.
The figure I see in the mirror doesn't reflect an inch of the person I want to be.
Squinty eyes, one slightly larger than the other. Short, boyish eyelashes.
Plain brown.
Owl-looking glasses that only exaggerate this fact.
Dark circles that could go round Saturn and Jupiter, each, at least four times.
Craters dotting every zit I lost a war to.
A mouth slightly too big and lips slightly too wide. They're chapped.
Peach fuzz. Oil. Scabs.
Pale, ill-looking skin. I will never be as tan as the rest.
My teeth, God, my teeth are all kinds of fucked right now.
Yellower than I'd like, gaps where there shouldn't be, teeth chipped here and there more than twice, causing razor sharp blades to slice at my gums. It's a warzone, I tell you.
My hair hangs limply around my face, lifeless and greasy.
Nothing bouncy or fun or delightful about it. Just there.
Lines decorate my neck, signifying the baby fat that used to clump there.
My collarbone juts out like some frail kind of dinosaur.
Flabby arms, dark pits, questionable hands.
Boobs that make people question whether I'm actually a little boy.
A stomach far too fuzzy, bumpy, squishy, pudgy.
Somewhere or another, bite marks and scratches that went a tad too far.
A waistline that I'm told doesn't reflect my heritage, a butt that jiggles no matter what I do.
Stretch marks of all different shades, reds, purples, blues, whites, grays.
I look down at my legs. Too weak. Too hairy. Too thick. Too scarred.
A faded line grazes about three inches of my thigh, an injury attained in a backyard
Bruises pepper up my knees. No clue where they're from, but I seem to attract quite a lot.
Damn my shins, the stubble refuses to leave no matter how many times I hack it down with a blade.
Besides, my skin rewards me by flaking and burning and stinging and bubbling up like a red fire.
My feet, just like the rest of me, are small. Far too veiny. Far too pale.
I turn around once or twice, hoping to magically fall in love with something I overlooked.
It doesn't happen.
I resume my work.

Incomplete

How does one go on?
When you love someone, and they die, does your love not go with them?
Is it not normal to want to die, just so you can be with them again?
How does one go on when every breath you take feels as though it might be your last?
When your tears become acid rain and living dwindles into chronic pain?
Is it not normal to forget how to smile? how to laugh? how to breathe?
Believe me, I'm trying to remember, I am.
It's just not that simple; it's just not.
How does one learn to feel again?
To take every step with purpose, to love and allow oneself to be loved?
Who gave you the right to pour tar into my lungs?
Who are you to rest in peace when all I've left are pieces of me?
I gave you all the love I had and you... Did you care at all?
Or did you care too much? Too little? Too deeply? Too roughly? Too simply?
Where did we go wrong?
Did we care too much? Too little? Too deeply? Too roughly? Too simply?
I'm sorry. No, I am.
Just teach me how to live again, tell me what to do.

..........

1+2+3+4+5+6+7+8+1+2+3+4+5+6+7+8+

1+2+3+4+5+6+7+8+1+2+3+4+5+6+7+8+

1+4+3+4+1+4+3+4+1+4+3+4+1+4+3+4+

1+5+6+7+1+5+6+7+1+5+6+7+1+5+6+7+

1+2+3+4+1+2+3+4+1+2+3+4+1+2+3+4+

..........

You are made of light. The world shines because of you.

Water yourself and grow because your time is almost up, love.

..........

If only if only I could remember how to breathe... I am far too tired to remember who I was and far too scared to find out what awaits. I don't remember how I got here but it has not been easy. How I wish I could go. Let go of these fleshy bodies and go. I miss my old kingdom, darling. I miss my people, my loves, my joys and wishes and dreams. They've all gone, darling and it's been excruciating without them. I need to be reunited, lest I fall into the abyss. I would love to take you with me, but darling it is not your time. You've still got so much more. So much more. I've already gone, you just don't know it yet. Please don't be alarmed when you discover my departure. I'm afraid it was my time. The tar had already taken over my lungs, the darkness had already swallowed me whole. I knew it was coming. I'm not surprised, so don't you fret. I am merely taking a little rest. A little rest and my soul shall revive. Join me, but do not make haste. I am patient. I shall wait.

..........

The longer I stay, the more detached I grow. Do not take offense, darling. It is not you. It was never you. It was the demons, darling. They're invisible, for the most part, but they were always so very loud. So loud I lost all sense of who I was. The demons, they fed on me, my thoughts, hopes, fears. They knew how to unlock it all. They had full access. Please do not blame me, I fought my very hardest. I did, my love, I did. I tried to drown it out, I tried to succeed like you told me to. Like you said I would.

..........

Know where to go. Know where to go. Know where to go. Know where to go. Know where to go. Know where to go. Know where to go. Know where to go. Know where to go. Know where to go.

911 911 911 911 911 911 911 911 911 911 911 911 911 911 911 911 911 911 911 911 911 911 911

Know where to go. Know where to go. Know where to go. Know where to go. Know where to go.

Know where to go. Know where to go. Know where to go. Know where to go. Know where to go.

Know when to GROW.

..........

Musings over the past several dawns and dusks. None of them complete. All of them connected.

I'm sorry.

Maya

Carpe Noctum

Hello lovelies.

I had to write a ten-paged script as my exam for Drama Workshop. I pulled this together at the last minute cuz I suck and that's what I do.

Anywho, I thought I'd share.

..........

Carpe Noctum

Daniel—age 17

Nicholás—age 14

August

Dan: C’mon, bro. It’s almost 11. If you’re gonna catch the shower, you better come quickly.

Nicholás: I’m comin’, I’m comin’. Jeez…

(They climb out the window stealthily and start climbing a tree that leads to their roof)

Dan: (reaching his arm out) Need help there, man?

Nicholás: I can do it myself.

Dan: Alright, alright, just tryna help.

(Dan pulls the hoodie over his head and sprawls out on the roof. Nicholás remains quiet.)

Dan: So how’s that robot comin’ along?

Nicholás: There’s not gonna be no robot.

Dan: (baffled) What do you mean no robot? Nicky, you been plannin’ this for months! Didn’t you ask Papá to register you?

Nicholás: Yeah. And when I did, he said “You got twenty bucks? You got a job? You bring food to the table? Yeah, didn’t think so.”

Dan: (under his breath) Bastard.

Nicholás: (picking up tiny pebbles and throwing them off the roof) It’s whatever. I sold the parts to Charlie for a Hamilton.

Dan: (outraged) Bullshit you did! Nicholás, those took you forever to get! So what? Now you’re gonna have some pendejo like Charlie Johnson take all the credit? For ten fuckin’ bucks? Jesus!

Nicholás: (equally mad) Well what else was I gonna do? Steal twenty bucks and go anyway?

Dan: Bro, you coulda asked me. I woulda found a way.

Nicholás: (dejectedly) There’s no point, anyway. I’m not goin’.

(Both brothers sit in uncomfortable silence for a few moments. Then, a flash of stars zoom past the sky.)

Dan: Hey, Nicky, look! The shower’s startin’!

Nicholás: (as if forgetting all his troubles, smiles) Yeah…

Dan: Shit, man, this one’s insane.

Nicholás: D’ya think one might land here?

Dan: What’re you, five? ‘Course not. It’s just God’s way of shakin’ things up when he gets bored.

Nicholás: You think so?

Dan: ‘Course.

(Both smile at each other. A sweet moment before indistinct yelling is heard from downstairs. They wince.)

Dan: Goddammit, what are they killin’ each other for now?

Nicholás: (quiet, like a small child) I dunno…

(The following is heard from within the house. Only silhouettes are seen through the windows.)

Mamá: What you mean you told him no? Andrés, he’s a fourteen-year-old boy! This could be his only chance to go!

Papá: I’m not givin’ no fuckin’ kid twenty bucks to go compete in some bullshit competition, Laura.

Mamá: Oh yeah? Well that “fuckin’ kid” happens to be your son, Andrés. And if you don’t give him the kind of love and attention he needs, you’re gonna lose him.

Papá: Shut up, woman, you don’t make no sense.

Mamá: Mi amor, this kind of opportunity could send him to college.

Papá: Stop talkin’ shit. That ain’t never gonna happen.

Mamá: But if you just gave him a chance, he could—

Papá: (losing his temper, slaps her across the face) Goddammit, I said shut up!

(Back on the roof, Daniel and Nicholás look visibly concerned, angry, and upset. All the while, yelling continues from inside the house.)

Dan: (balling his hands into fists and making as if to leave) That’s it…

Nicholás: (grabbing his arm) Are you crazy?! He’ll kill you!

Dan: (yanking his arm free) If I don’t go down there, he’ll kill Mamá first.

(Dan jumps onto the tree as Nicholás stands up quickly to retrieve him.)

Nicholás: Danny, stop! This is about me, not you.

Dan: It don’t matter who it’s about, Nicky—

(All of a sudden, we hear from within.)

Papá: (completely enraged) You know what, puta de mierda? You care about him so much? Why don’t you try and stop me from beatin’ his ass, eh?

(Mamá screams in protest and footsteps are heard going towards what we assume is the boys’ bedroom.)

Dan: (realization dawning on him) Shit, Nicky, if we’re not in bed, we’re both dead. Let’s go.

(Nicholás jumps onto the tree and both boys climb down, back through the window into the house.)

October

Nicholás: Hurry up, Danny! I don’t wanna miss the beginin’.

Dan: (laughs) Jesus, I know, I know. Calm down.

Mamá: (heard from within) Daniel, where do you two think you’re goin’?

(Both boys stop in their tracks.)

Dan: (knows he’s caught) I… uh… we were just… I was gonna teach Nicholás how to get to the top of the tree?

(Mamá looks unconvinced.)

Mamá: Uh huh. At 11:30 at night? I don’t think so.

Nicholás: (pleadingly) Mamá, we just wanted to go watch the meteor shower. I promise, we won’t be out long…

(The boys wait for an answer. Mamá smiles.)

Mamá: Okay, pero cúbranse bien! I don’t need neither of you catchin’ a cold out there.

(The boys breathe a sigh of relief.)

Dan: (kissing his mother on the cheek) Yes, Mamá.

Mamá: And make sure Papá don’t catch you outside when he gets home, oyeron?

Nicholás: Si, Mamá.

(The boys scramble up the tree and onto the roof.)

Nicholás: (wrapping his arms tighter around himself) Damn, it is cold out.

Dan: (unzipping his hoodie and tossing it to his brother) Here.

(Both lie down and look up.)

Nicholás: There’s a party next weekend.

Dan: You goin’?

Nicholás: I dunno.

Dan: (teasingly) Well, you should. Maybe that chick Lia Martínez will be there…

Nicholás: (slightly embarrassed) Shut up, Danny.

Dan: (more teasingly) Maybe she’ll wear one of those lil’ kitty costumes, or fuck, better yet—one of those dirty police officer ones—

Nicholás: (annoyed) Shut up, man. She ain’t like that. She’ll probably be Harry Potter or some shit...

Dan: All I’m sayin’ is you’re gonna wanna take advantage of these parties ‘cuz once you get to be an ol’ man like me, you don’t got time to go to parties no more.

Nicholás: What? ‘Course you do. That’s what college is for, dumbass.

Dan: (solemnly) Nicky, I don’t think I’m goin’... There’s no money…

Nicholás: But… yeah there is! If Papá can afford to go out every night, you can pay for college, can’t you?

Dan: Nicky, I—

(A burst of stars shoot across the sky)

Dan: (changing the subject) Hey, look!

Nicholás: But Daniel—

Dan: Just drop it, Nicky. I don’t care much, anyway…

(They sigh and look silently up at the meteor shower.)

Nicholás: D’you think Mamá’s ever seen one of these?

Dan: Huh?

Nicholás: A meteor shower. You think Mamá’s ever seen one?

Dan: I dunno. Probably not.

Nicholás: We should show her sometime.

Dan: (smiles) Yeah. We should.

(A rickety old car slowly pulls up to the driveway. Papá gets out. He’s clearly intoxicated.)

Dan: (whispers) Shit, he’s back. (he notices something) Wait, is that…?

(A woman leans out the driver’s window and kisses Papá full on the mouth.)

Nicholás: (disgusted) What the…?

(Mamá is heard shouting from the front door of the house. The woman in the car drives away. Papá and Mamá confront each other in the front yard. Yells turn into screams.)

Mamá: (hysterical) How long, Andrés?! How long, ah?

Papá: None of your fuckin’ business, woman.

Mamá: How long have you been screwin’ her in our bed, ah? Tell me,carajo! Tell me!

(Papá strikes her across the face and pulls her close to his face, trying to seem intimidating. Mamá only sobs.)

Papá: Don’t you fuckin’ talk to me like that or I’ll kill you, you hear me?

Nicholás: (sliding off the roof onto the ground) Don’t touch her!

Papá: Where the hell… you supposed to be in bed.

Nicholás: I said don’t touch her.

(Nicholás makes as if to move closer.)

Papá: (grabbing Mamá by the throat) You come any closer, I’ll kill her.

(Dan, still on the roof, calls 911.)

Nicholás: (desperate) Stop, just stop! Let her go! Daniel!

November

Mamá: (giggly) I can’t believe I’m doin’ this.

Nicholás: (whisper-yells) Shh, or you’ll wake Papá!

Mamá: Trust me, he won’t be wakin’ up for a real long time.

Dan: Tequila?

Mamá: Tequila.

(The boys try helping Mamá climb up the tree.)

Mamá: Ay, Madre Santa! I don’t know how you boys do this all the time.

Nicholás: (laughs) It’s called practice, Mamá.

Dan: Mamá, you want my jacket?

Mamá: Ay, thank you, mijo, but you need it more. (notices how far they are from the ground) Dios mio, what if we fall off?!

Dan: Relax, Mamá, you’re not gonna fall.

Mamá: Y si me resbalo?

Nicholás: You’re not gonna slip, I promise.

Dan: Shh, it’s startin’!

Mamá: (in awe) Santa Maria…

Dan: It’s crazy, isn’t it?

Nicholás: It’s beautiful. (slightly teasingly) Just like you, Mamá.

Mamá: (jokingly) Ay, mijo, all God’s creations are beautiful. Just some more than others.

(They laugh.)

Mamá: Do you boys know any constellations?

Dan: I mean… I dunno if you can see it now ‘cuz of the shower but… see that string of stars over there?

Mamá: Aha?

Dan: That one’s Hercules.

Mamá: Oh, like the sexy Greek god?

Nicholás: (embarrassed) Mamá!

Mamá: (chuckles to herself) I need me a man like that.

(Both boys cringe but laugh nonetheless. They watch the shower in silence.)

Dan: Mamá?

Mamá: Tell me, mi amor.

Dan: Why don’t you leave him?

Mamá: (sitting up, sighing) Daniel, you know I can’t do that.

Nicholás: (aggravated) Why not?

Mamá: Because, amor, I can’t make it out on my own. Papá’s been with me since we were fifteen… I can’t just leave him after all he’s done for me.

Dan: (also aggravated) After all he’s done for you?! Mamá, he ain’t done shit for you! And he could care less about me and Nicky. He don’t care about any of us!

Mamá: (trying to convince herself) Daniel, you know that’s not true…

Nicholás: It is! I don’t get how you can stay with a descarado like that.

Mamá: Both of you, stop it! Your Papá loves me, and he loves you, too. He just has a hard way of showin’ it.

Dan: Mamá, stop lyin’ to yourself! He’s dangerous—I’m serious!

Nicholás: Please, Mamá. Promise you’ll leave him?

Dan: Please?

(Mamá, clearly uncomfortable and upset by the conversation, gathers herself and climbs back down the tree.)

Nicholás: Mamá!

Mamá: Good night, mis hijos. Don’t forget to shut the window when you’re done.

Dan: Mamá!—

(Mamá exits)

Dan: Goddammit! Why is she like that? Why can’t she just… fuck.

Nicholás: I dunno, man.

December

Dan: Nicky, you up here?

Nicholás: (sniffles) Go away.

Dan: C’mon, man. Please?

(Dan climbs up the tree and joins Nicholás on the roof.)

Nicholás: (start sobbing almost uncontrollably) I coulda done somethin’, Danny, it’s all my fault! I coulda pushed her outta the way or—

Dan: Shh, listen, Nicholás, there’s nothin’ you coulda done, alright? She was twenty feet away. It wouldn’ta mattered.

(Dan slings his arm over his brother, trying to contain himself.)

Nicholás: But—But we t-told her an’ everythin’ an’ she just, she didn’t listen! Why didn’t she listen?

Dan: I dunno, Nicky.

(They sit in silence. A meteor shower begins. Neither of them look up.)

Nicholás: You think she’s up there?

Dan: ‘Course. Right next to Hercules.

(Nicholás wipes his nose on his sweater and glances up. Dan looks over at him before fishing something out of his pocket.)

Dan: Here.

Nicholás: What?

Dan: (handing a five dollar bill over) So you can start savin’ for next year. You’re goin’ to that competition whether you like it or not.

Nicholás: What?

Dan: You heard Mamá. That could be your only shot at college so you might as well take it.

Nicholás: But what about you?

Dan: Don’t worry about me. I’ll be all right.

(They both look up. Blackout.)

The End

..........

Sorry about the slightly very depressing themes. Take care of yourselves.

Much love xoxo

Maya

Sleepless in Portsmouth

Hello peoples :)

I can't sleep so here we go. A pointless, mind-numbing list of questions none of you needed answers to.

..........

1. Where were you 3 hours ago?

In St. Benet's, serving my time in study hall -_-

2. Who are you in love with?

CJS, the silly goofball he is. But quite honestly, I am also completely and utterly in love with my best friends.

3. Have you ever eaten a crayon?

Not that I know of, although little Maya coulda had real questionable culinary taste back in the day...

4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

My water bottle is more of a magenta but sure, let's go with pink.

5. When is the last time you went to the mall?

Uhhhh not really sure...? Must've been close to a month ago, maybe?

6. Are you wearing socks right now?

YES I AM AND THEY'RE FUZZY AND THEY HAVE FOX FACES ON THEM.

7. Does your family have a car worth over $2,000?

I don't know the first thing about cars and I don't pay the least attention to prices and brands.

8. When was the last time you drove out of town?

Um. Well. Ya see. I can't drive, so.

9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?

No and that makes me incredibly sad.

10. Are you hot?

Wow. If we're talking temperature right now, I'll go with heck yeah.

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?

AGUA!!! Gotta keep the bod hydrated, chafeel? ;)

12. What are you wearing right now?

A light blue Henley, my glasses, the Abbey's classic grey sweatpants, and FOX SOCKS!

13. Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?

What an interesting question. I'm sure once I learn to drive and yaknow, OWN A CAR, I'll be able to answer that for ya.

14. Last food that you ate?

Girl Scout Thin Mints. Sue me. They're freakin' delicious.

15. Where were you last week at this time?

Exact same spot.

16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?

You think I actually have time to go out shopping? That's cute.

17. When is the last time you ran?

HA. From class to the dining hall. I've got my priorities straight.

18. What’s the last sporting event you watched?

What is a "sports"?

19. What is your favorite animal?

DOLPHINS <3 Although squirrels are seriously up there, the freakin' munchkins they are.

20. Your dream vacation?

A restaurant crawl through Italy.

21. Last person’s house you were in?

Probably Conor's?

22. Worst injury you’ve ever had?

Uhhhh well I sprained my groin pretty badly two years ago. It was not a good time.

23. Have you ever been in love?

Yes, sir, I have. It's terrifying and absolutely beautiful at the same time.

24. Do you miss anyone right now?

Mami and Papi, mostly. And Suki <3

25. Last play you saw?

The Children's Hour at The Gamm Theatre.

26. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?

You could ask CJS. I honestly have no clue.

27. What are your plans for tonight?

It's Thursday. I'm in bed. It's nearly midnight. What do you think I'm about to do?

28. Who is the last person you sent a MySpace message or comment?

So uh, the thing is, MySpace can only be found within the ancient fossils of the interwebs. And I am a mere young'un. 

29. Next trip you are going to take?

Shipping up to Boston for Berklee 2k17. Get HYPED!

30. Ever go to camp?

I've gone to several. Most were miserable experiences.

31. Were you an honor roll student in school?

Yes, indeed.

32. What do you want to know about the future?

WHAT KIND OF DOG WILL I HAVE WHEN I'M MARRIED OHMYGOD I NEED TO KNOW

33. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?

Not at the moment, no.

34. Are you due sometime this year for a doctor’s visit?

Probably. My mom kinda takes care of all of that...

35. Where is your best friend?

Scattered around all different parts of the world.

36. How is your best friend?

What does that even mean? They're good, I guess?

37. Do you have a tan?

I'm the lightest Latina you'll ever come across.

38. What are you listening to right now?

The Yoga & Meditation playlist on Spotify.

39. Do you collect anything?

Playbills. I'm a real theatre nerd, I know.

40. Who is the biggest gossiper you know?

Mrant Batthews anyone?

41. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?

Once again, I DO NOT ADULT YET.

42. Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?

I guesso? Not typically, though.

43. What does your last text message say?

"FUCK IT'S OUT" -Claire

44. Do you like hot sauce?

Ew no no no.

45. Last time you took a shower?

Yesterday evening I think?

46. Do you need to do laundry?

Heck yes. I've missed two weeks already; I'm living in a pig sty.

47. What is your heritage?

Dominican-American and proud :)

48. Are you someone’s best friend?

I should hope so.

49. Are you rich?

In many ways, yes. In many other ways, no.

50. What were you doing at 12AM last night?

Tossing and turning because of this wicked head cold that's decided it's never gonna go away.

..........

There you have it, folks. A pointless post created for the mere intention of keeping me entertained for a brief period of time.

Anyway, I hope you're all feeling healthier than me.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya