Pseudo Hangovers

Hey folks.

Kind of a lot has happened in the past few days. Among them, I got fired from my first ever job, performed one of the greatest shows of all time with my fellow Newsies cast, booked at least four potential babysitting gigs, and experienced one of my worst bouts of post-show depression to date.

So yeah. A lot. I was asleep practically all day yesterday and didn't wake up til about 10:30pm so I have yet to fall asleep again. Which is bad, I know. My internal clock is all messed up.

Anyway, I'm pretty delirious as I'm writing this. I just kinda felt like I needed to write something. I dunno. I'm tired as fuck and kinda hungry and I have an interview at 3pm today but I couldn't fall asleep without writing something and throwing it out into the universe. Hence, this blogpost.

Gah, I miss my newsies peeps. Like lots.

By the way, post-show depression is kind of a lot like being really badly hungover plus severely mentally ill. In case you were wondering, it super sucks.

There was no real point to this post, so feel free to ignore it.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Our Little Lives

Just finished reading The Beginning of Everything.

Just remembered that satisfied feeling you get when you finally accomplish reading a book that was taking forever. I dunno, somehow that plus the urge to write. Big time. And not in some small way, either. I want to write big, great things; things people actually want to read; things people stay up all night waiting for, like I did. I want the fantasy and the wonder to come back, the seamless quoting from archaic poetry, the late nights without anxiety, the thrill of being the only one who knows what happens at the end.

I know I'm only me and in the words of Enjolras from Les Mis: "Our little lives don't count at all." But what if the world is simply too large and overwhelming, too frightening and all-encompassing, that all I can truly handle right now is my little life? Doesn't that count for something?

Part of me was destined to break the rules, to be a leader and a game-changer––that much is in my blood. The longing to make a huge impact is there but its hands are tightly wrapped around fear. The world is so big and I am so small. How could I possibly make room for all the pain and suffering in the world? I literally could not stomach it in its entirety. And if that makes me weak, then it makes me weak.

I know there are people far smaller and far braver than I, and I guess I have to be okay with that. I will not be the revolutionary or the paramedic or the missionary or the preacher. I cannot be. I only tell stories and try my best to reach my hand out through the spaces in my words, hoping someone will extend theirs and grab it. I only have enough space for that.

I will never be enough for you, but I am beginning to learn that that's okay. I am enough for me and my little life. If my stories reach other little lives and so on, so be it. Let them hold my hand and know I am walking beside them, too. That's the best I can do.

'Fraid that book I read was a bit existential. Or maybe it's nearly 3am and I'm the one feeling existential. Who knows. Either way, I needed to get that out of my system.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Newsies Forever

Hi hi hi.

It's currently 1:30am and I have yet to go to bed. We only just got back from Newsies rehearsal a little while ago. Speaking of, the show is tomorrow (today technically) :) Three whole months of grueling work finally comes together in a live performance tomorrow evening and I could not be more excited. Like, yes, I'm fucking exhausted and I'm pretty sure I only have two functioning brain cells left, but also, this cast has worked so hard for so long and they deserve great things, including a sold out audience (which I'm pretty sure we're gonna have).

What's been so cool about this entire process is that we had no idea we would get here. My dad and I auditioned all the way back in January, knowing absolutely no one in the group and still pretty deep in our depressive slumps. Auditioning for this show was a way out. It was an opportunity to get us out of our shell and into the world, into meeting new and amazing people. And we did exactly that. This cast is full of some of the most humble, most kind and hardworking people I have ever met. Spending time with them each week has been a blessing. Now, we are mere hours away from our opening night and it has all come together (miraculously). We've celebrated at the end of each night this week with a group dance party––sweaty, disheveled and sore––but content, because at the end of the day, we're telling a story about overcoming the odds, and that's exactly what we've done. By the way, we put on a damn good show :)

My eyes are literally closing right now, partly due to fatigue, partly due to eyelash glue, but anyhow...

Chris, our director, has done such an amazing job of keeping the passion alive in this show. Passion is what drives the whole thing. Without it, the show collapses. Angelique, our choreographer, took people from all different dance backgrounds and made them somehow coordinated enough to perform difficult pieces in unison. Patrick, our sweet, kindhearted music director, gifted confidence to those who had never felt comfortable singing before. Anna, our stage manager, and Nico, our set and lighting designer, created simple yet captivating pieces that take us all the way back to 1899. Nicole, our photographer and resident mom, lent us her joyous enthusiasm and made sure we all looked good for the promo videos ;) Kelly, forever our #1 cheerleader, came to practically every rehearsal and got us through many late nights. Then of course there's my whole entire dysfunctional family of a cast.

Brian (Jack) and Jill (Hannah) who are our fearless leaders and also happen to be engaged (they're so cute together, I could die); the adults Robert (Pulitzer), Ahesha (Ms. Medda), Dennis (Mr. Jacobi), Joanie (Seitz), Eileen (Mz. Snyder), Drew (President Roosevelt), and my dad (Bunsen) who have zero clue what they're doing but make it work anyway; the eternal bromance, Matt (Finch) and Sean (Davey) who also happen to own falsettos unknown to any other person on the planet; my girls Frankie (Katherine), Victoria (Beauty), Amanda (Woman XD), Natalie (Tommy Girl) and Aleah (Beauty) who are the only source of femininity in this entire show and quite frankly are a breath of fresh air; then there's Jeffrey (Les), the thirteen-year-old who had us all convinced he was simultaneously eight and forty years old; my boys Justin (Newsie), Phil (Henry), Gino (Albert), Delon (Morris), Joseph (Elmer), Leo (Spot), Joey (Mush), David (Oscar), Maurice (Newsie), Brandon (Romeo), Danny A. (Newsie), and Marquis (Specs) who blow me away with their endless energy, talent, and dedication; the second bromance features my two beautiful boys Danny H (Bill) and Ottavio (Darcy) who light up an entire room just by being there; we have Torrey (Race) who happens to be in a long-term fiery relationship with Angelique and made the phrase "Not like this" unbelievably contagious; and last but not least, Chris-Action (not actually his name, but he played the character Action in West Side Story last fall and the name stuck even thought he hates it with every fiber of his being) playing the role of (Crutchie), and who also happens to be one of the most simultaneously dumb yet brilliant people I've ever met.

If you're still reading, I commend you because those were a lot of names to go through. I don't even know how I'M still here. Seriously. My eyelids are basically glued shut.

Sigh.

Point is, I love this cast very, very much and I can't believe I get to perform Newsies FIVE WHOLE TIMES with them!!! Like, that's just beyond awesome :) My family (Joel, Melissa, Natasha, John, & Gaby) is actually coming to see it this Saturday so that should be super awesome, especially seeing as most of them have never seen me or my dad perform live. Plus, LINNEA IS COMING TOO AND SHE IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE THE END.

I think my last brain cell just died so I'm gonna wrap this up and try not to trip and die on my way to bed.

Wish me luck and many broken legs for tomorrow y'all!

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Time Capsule

Hello hi all.

I was attempting to write an actual blogpost for this (and I promise it is coming... eventually) but realized it is far too late and I am way too under-caffeinated so I'm resorting to slightly-very-cringey-at-best post. In short, I dug up some old writing pieces from twelve year old Maya, as in, weirdly religious, uncontrollably emo yet optimistic, using words I didn't really know the meaning of Maya. Sure she had some insight about quite adult-y things back then but she also very well may have been tripping off lack of melatonin production.

(Just for reference, most of these were written the summer I was away at Phillips Andover for weird artsy prep-school summer camp. Hence the odd prompts and shit. Carry on.)

Anyway. Here goes.

..........

"We carry around our own exits"

         We are the ones who decide how we finish. We make the best out of life, out of our opportunities, and how we decide to behave is what is going to be remembered. We make our own marks on this earth. I believe that we should all try our best, even when we fail; at least we worked hard enough to say that we put effort into whatever we did. From the day we are born, we carry around our ending, and we just have to find it. Our purpose of living isn't just trying to find our end, but enjoying the journey along the way. We are born, and we travel this long journey that leads us closer and closer to our end, but sometimes we just need to be reminded that it will all be worthwhile if we make it that way."We carry around our own exits,"... Yeah, that sounds about right.

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

For whom do we express ourselves if not for ourselves?

   I usually ask myself the same question whenever I am about to make a decision: “Am I truly doing this for me, or am I trying to act like someone other than myself?”

   My parents have raised me to be my own person; they said it was okay to think and act differently, so long as I made smart choices.

   I always try my best to be confident in my own choices of thought and my own choices of action. I try my best not to let anyone tell me how I should live my life, or express myself.

   Everyone has their own moments of insecurity, when they try to be someone they’re not, or otherwise, they are pressured to. Of course, I’ve experienced those times when I just tried to fit in, where I’ve acted a little differently for the sake of people liking me, but I’m trying really hard to break that habit little by little.

   In conclusion, I am successfully trying harder every day to let loose and just be myself, no matter what people say. I am who I am; I was born that way.

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

...Last Glances...

Have you ever felt the urge to look at that person one last time, but you didn’t, and that one decision haunted you the rest of your life? Well, that disgusting feeling has touched me more than once, and it’s scary to move on and look ahead when I think about it. You’re unsure; you feel cheated, that it might’ve been necessary to take a last glance, but your foolish mind blindly ignored your first instinct.

   First deaths always hurt the most. Especially when you knew that person. Especially when you were close to that person. And then you try convincing your brain that it’s not true, and your whole body goes in denial. Then it starts going numb, and when you’re numb, you’re not supposed to feel the pain, but it hurts more than it ever has before. And you try hiding it, and you try getting over it, and you try to remember his face, and you try to remember the last time he smiled at you… Then it all seems real and it all feels gone, like all those moments spent with him were wasted, and then you feel guilty for not looking one last time, just so you could remember those smiling eyes, and messy, black hair, and goofy laugh. Just one last time… And then the feeling clings to you forever.  

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

Where I’m going...

   Where I’m going, it’s full of hills; grasslands cover all that is seen. Hills over hills, meadows over meadows; it all seems pretty endless. At dawn, the sky is a pale pink; rays of purple and orange seem to burst from the heavens, kissing the soft earth on the horizon. Sheep start to graze lazily as the big, bright sun illuminates the land around them. There, I can run free, not a care in the world, just wandering and admiring God’s creation. At noon, I’ll retreat to the nearby woods, dreaming underneath its shadows. I’ll speak with the squirrels, sing with the birds, care for the deer, and keep the trees company. Where I’m going, the dawn simply lulls into dusk, and the days seem blissfully endless. There’s no need for sleep, for my sleeping days will be over, so I’ll take my time and wander. A young fawn will keep me company as I count the stars in the sky, telling the youngling stories of my adventurous days. The fawn will go to sleep and the night owl will whisper its call, and I know it’s time to wake up. Though now, it’s a dream, I know I will get there; someday, I promise I will. My days will pass by, but it’ll all be worth it, for in the end, I’ll have eternal peace.

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

“The self is made manifest in the opposites and in the conflict between them. It is a coincidentia oppositorum (coincidence of opposites). Hence, the way to the self begins with conflict.”

-Carl Jung

What I interpret from this passage is that we create ourselves and improve ourselves through conflict. As crazy as that sounds, it is usually true in lots of cases, where the argument between two opposites brings them together. We see that mostly in family relationships. The conflict, when confronted, can clear out just what was needed to be said. This would explain coincidentia oppositorum.

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

Grieving and Regrets

Cemeteries are full of memory and regret.

The headstones engraved with meaningless words;

The empty silence that reminds me of my loss;

The battered land that be crossed again and again.

Survivor’s guilt burns to the surface of my skin,

As I sit and rue for hours on end;

Hearing the humming songs in my head,

Swallowing my tears, for he’s not dead.

I turn around and almost swear that it’s him;

At least, I wish, oh! I wish it were him.

But it’s my old,

Sad shadow there, instead.

I faintly hear whispering words,

Hurtful words; Painful words.

I wish I could sew down my ears,

To save myself from this raging guilt.

Getting ready to leave is the hardest part;

Sometimes I wish I were dead so

I didn’t have to leave him.

Cemeteries are full of memory and regret.

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

“A necessary end...” -Saltillo

   I race along the path of unknown as I swerve through the towering trees that try to manipulate me ~

I don’t let them. I cross many rivers, past mountains, past forests, hearing the echoes of the eery tree nymphs. I am running away, but I’m not sure from what. As I run into the unknown, horrifying memories of my past flash through my eyes. The intimidating trees offer no comfort as I weep. Proceeding along the path, I get distracted by the luring, angelic voices of the nymphs. I turn every corner, but there is no escape. The white voices surge through my brain. Full of frustration, I bound my way back through the remaining obstacles. The trees are clearing and the voices, fading. At last, I have reached the end of the path, and gratefully, I welcome my end.

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those

who could not hear the music." 

-- Friedrich Nietzsche 

  And those who were classified as “different” were bullied by those who envied such personalities. And those who sang and spoke “to themselves” were thought to be mentally insane by those who could not hear the spirits. And those who loved with a love unlike any other were threatened and called “gay”. 

  This particular quote makes me reflect on many things, and think about many relating situations. This particular statement makes us question the society we live in. Is it truly that bad to be our own person? Why are we questioned about our own choices that we make in our own lives? I strongly believe that we are who we are, and no one is in a place to judge. 

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

Threshold- Joseph Campbell

  If I had been moved a moment too late, my life wouldn’t be as it is now; I would feel like my life was pointless ~ no purpose to my living.

   I was a mere nine years old when I was touched by a song, a song that would be the beginning of a whole new way of thinking. The speaker was a seven year old girl, who had recently had visions of the upcoming World War II; her innocence completely shattered. The tears that rolled down my cheeks by the end of the song were caused by the powerfulness of the words; the great emotion from the lyrics. I was quite naive at the time and didn’t understand war very much, but after hearing the song ~ interpreting it ~ I was changed.

    ...children...hurting...crying...needing...begging for someone to reach out and save them!

   All I could do was weep for those children who never got the chance to be kids; who were born into a world of conflict and danger. I had become extremely sensitive to war topics after that. Barely two years later, I had to read a book for school called: The Hiding Place. It was a personal experience about the Holocaust. I read that book page through page; I felt the fear and terror build up inside of me ~ and then I found what was missing in my mind: the amazing power of faith in God. 

   As long as the author and her family prayed to God for the forgiveness of “those poor men (soldiers who tortured them) who don’t know what they’re doing”, her family was always saved from the frightful beatings to come. This book literally changed my life. I am grateful for absolutely everything I am given and my life feels like it has a purpose now, even if I don’t know what it is yet, but God made me for a reason, and I’m sure I’ll find out someday.

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

Holy fucking shit, that was a trip and a half. I hope that wasn't nearly as uncomfortable for you as it was for me. Seriously, why was I obsessed with aligning in mismatched formats??? for like? paragraphs???? Who knows. None of us may ever know.

I hope your day/night/hibernation is going splendidly! I love and miss you all.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya 

Turning Tables

Fair warning: This entire post is covered in sap. Read at your own risk :-/

Growing up, you always thought of your older siblings as your sworn protectors—those fiercely heroic assholes who would do anything to keep you from harm. Or I mean, that's how I saw it anyway.

Of course, it's usually nothing like that. Fuck no, older siblings nine times outta ten are the ones to rat you out, to go out of their way to terrorize you and their greatest pleasure derives from your misery. Yan Diego was probably the #1 enemy throughout my childhood. But he was also my best friend. Things just worked out that way.

As young kids, we were inseparable. Mind you, I made sure to do everything exactly the way he did. I idolized him, much as it pains me to say it. And then he became a teenager and developed that repulsive thing we call teenaged angst. At that point, I'm pretty sure he no longer wanted anything to do with me, as one does. We had a rocky few years, indeed.

But something happened after the divorce. Or during, I guess. We couldn't turn to our parents for comfort anymore—we only had each other. Javier was too young. He had no clue what was going on. So YD and I sought each other out anytime our parents were acting unreasonable (which believe me, was more often than not.) That all started somewhere around three years ago, and ever since then we've maintained a pretty good run. I'm honestly so glad things turned out that way. I couldn't have gotten through it without him.

Anyway, much as Yan Diego lives for roasting me, he's always been there when it mattered. Like when me and my mom got into one of our most heated arguments to date, or when I'd woken up screaming from a sickening night terror, or when some boyfriend screwed me over in some way or another, or even all those years ago when I tried to end it all. He was always there. Yeah, not all of his help or advice worked every time but he sure damn tried. And it mattered a hell of a lot to me.

What no one ever really tells you is how much he needs you too.

Hell, he'll probably kill me for writing this post anyway...

YD's not really one to take things seriously most of the time. But when he does, he means it from the depths of his soul. We were having one of those rare heart to hearts earlier last year, I was helping him through some stuff and he actually called me his best friend. He can deny it all he wants but he's a fucking softie and he knows it. Like I said, he'll shit on me 24/7 but at the end of the day, he'll make sure I know I'm loved. I could never ask for anything more.

I was inspired to write this post based on a semi-hilarious thing that happened tonight. There I was, watching Riverdale and minding my own business when YD called me up all the way from Italy.

"Hey, what's up?"

"Maya, I am so high."

"Lol good for you dude."

"No, I'm like SO high."

He proceeded to ramble on about all his paranoid thoughts, stopping himself mid-sentence every other second, voicing all his concerns and extreme confusion. At times, I could hear his voice crack or his breath speed up.

"Take a sec to breathe, my dude."

"I'm trying but I can't."

I proceeded to scroll through my ever-growing photo gallery, searching for just the thing: a GIF of a geometrical shape, shrinking and expanding at a steady pace.

"Here, I'm gonna text you this thing and I want you to match your breathing to it. Can you do that?"

I sat there for a few moments as he opened it up and started breathing along with it. Bad highs are easier to get through when you've got somebody with you.

"Maya, I'm scared."

"I know you are but you're okay. Everything's fine and this'll be over soon," I reminded him.

We stayed on the phone for over an hour. I tried to make him laugh and then there'd be times where he'd shush me even when I wasn't saying anything. Or he'd be his old weird self and talk in funny voices only to freak himself out afterwards. Eventually, I got him to get sleepy and asked if he'd be alright going to bed now. He said yes, thanking me for being a good sister and telling me that he loved and missed me lots.

Granted, this time he may have been wickedly crossed but he still called me because he needed me. And I could've told him to go fuck himself and continued to watch Riverdale in peace for all I cared but I figured, "This dude has been there for me practically always, he deserves the same. Especially when it's 2am in Italy and the guy is high off his rockers." XD

I guess this was all just a long-winded way of saying your older siblings/mentors/senpais need your help too once in a while. Don't take them for granted.

Keep on keeping on, fam.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Late to the Game

Hi there, peeps.

As we're headed into Valentine's/Galentine's/Palentine's Day, I just wanted to fill you in on some shenanigans that I've been up to.

Firstly, I GOT TO VISIT MY VASSAR FAMILY THIS PAST WEEKEND AND IT WAS SUCH A HOOT HOLY MOLY I LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH I COULD CRY. I hadn't visited them properly in well over a year and it was way past due.

Seeing my roomie Linnea and her wonderfully aesthetic room as we ate greasy takeout and watched 2007's Hairspray was everything I live for. Then being able to take a late night stroll in the freezing cold with Evan the Loser (jk ily) brought back nostalgic memories (but he was currently dying of tuberculosis or some other horrific plague and I was dying of fatigue so we called it a night and went back to his room to dick around.) As the clock creeped up on half past 2am, we both decided I should kick myself out and go to bed back at Linnea's place. I zonked the heck out from all that laughing, I tell you...

The next day, Linnea and I FINALLY filmed the BFF tag (which we'd been planning on for over a year now) and I am just SO HYPED to actually put it up soon! Sidenote—I'd been meaning to start a YouTube channel since I was twelve years old but it just kinda never happened because prepubescent low self-esteem is a bitch and a half. Anyway. I think filming with my best friend gave me that extra vote of confidence I'd been looking for and I can proudly say I'm almost done editing it! (keep your eyes open for a link in the near future!) After that, Jacqui—my mama owl—scooped me up and took me to get the most amazing custard at BurgerFi, where we talked about what was new in our lives and such.

Thennnnnnn came one of the most exciting parts of my visit: I GOT TO SEE MY HOOTIN' FAMILY! I kinda forgot to mention that I was coming so there may have been a couple of screams as I opened the door... Being in that room simply filled me to the brim with joy and reminded me why I love Vassar and why I love music and why I love these people so very, very much. I got to meet this year's Owl babies––they are talented as HECK, mind you––and they were all just so sweet and welcoming and everything I could ever ask for. The next hour, I got to join in on their rehearsal and try to remember my Sop 1 parts (they weren't all butchered, I promise.) Sadly, then it was time for me to go and for Linnea to drive me back to the train station... But I left happier than I'd felt in a long while.

The only downside being I got the flu.

Or whatever plague Evan had from sitting in his germ-infested room so I didn't get to go to work for three days :/ I'm still recuperating but thankfully I think the worst is behind me. And to think I got the flu right at the end of flu season -_-

Secondly, over the past couples weeks, I had several realizations. Among them was the notion that I had the right to be happy and I did not deserve to feel stuck in my unhappiness. I had agency. I could do something about it. And so I did (with the help of my dad and some angel friends of mine.) I took it upon myself to initiate my first ever intentional break up. It was super hard seeing as I do care about him and will continue to care about him and his wellbeing, but it just wasn't right for us anymore and we both deserved better. So I set us free. And I feel so much lighter now.

In other news, I am returning to see my beautiful Owls tomorrow for their concert!!! (I also haven't been to an owl concert since I left, so it's definitely about time) I get to celebrate Valentine's Day surrounded by kickass music and friends whom I adore. How lucky I am <3

Another thing I've been late on––about twenty years too late, really––is finally getting around to watching Scrubs. Thanks to Fonts for threatening to end our friendship if I didn't watch it by the end of the week :) Me and my dad are enjoying it immensely, thank you very much.

Alrighty folks, I'm sure that's enough rambling for now. More updates soon to come.

Enjoy your evening and make sure to stay warm as the world freezes over!

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Changing Tides

HAPPY FEBRUARY!!!

Just wanted to give y'all a quick update to say that holy moly things are going well for me. I mean, of course, there are still some strugglebus days but overall, I'm pretty darn happy with the outcomes.

I got officially hired at the diner place where I get to live out my dream as a starving artist working as a waitress in New York of all places. Whatta time.

I also got a job as a part-time babysitter for the two cutest little girls on the planet. No seriously, they really are. PLUS they have a cat so I'm gonna be in heaven.

The first Newsies readthru was last Friday night and I kid you not when I say that cast was meant to be. Everyone is beyond perfect for their role and I think this process is gonna be a blast. (I have rehearsal again tonight until 10pm good lord)

I have so many hopes and dreams (as do we all) and just I am so beyond excited to begin pursuing the things I love and becoming my own best person.

Good things take time. But we deserve them. We do. We do. We do.

I love you guys so much.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya