On the Eve of my 25th Birthday

 Soooooo... Let's pretend like it hasn't been almost three years since my last post O.O

It's about twenty minutes to midnight and approximately ten years since I started this blog. Yowza. Has it really been that long? Somehow it feels like I've lived hundreds of thousands of lifetimes since then. I worry that my writing will be bad. I worry that no one will be able to tell the difference between my fourteen-year-old self and my twenty-four-year-old self. Does it matter?

Blegh, writing feels so awkward. I haven't done this for myself in, well, three years ish? But tomorrow is my twenty-fifth birthday (allegedly when my frontal lobe is due to be fully formed, but I'll let you know...) and I felt like I owed it to myself.

I'm writing this from under an electric blanket in the heart of Athens, Greece—where I've been living for the past two years with the absolute love of my life, Zoë. I used to feel so unlucky in love but the past four years with her have been otherworldly. I am so lucky. 

Seeing as I'm a wee rusty on the writing front and I also wanna go to bed at a decent time (since I'm an adult or whatever now :P) I'm not going to try to recap the last however long it's been in this post. Gonna try to keep it concise-ish.

My thoughts on very few of the things I've learned before I hit 25:

• parents can love you infinitely and still find a million and one ways to disappoint you
• things typically don't turn out the way you plan them, but the result tends to be a hoot to yap about
• making time for the things that bring you joy is BEYOND IMPORTANT
• everyone feels like a failure at some point. no two success stories look the same.
• the world is almost certainly on the brink of ending every other day but you'll still find people and places and things to love

My wish for myself is to continue to allow myself space to grow—that it's okay and, in fact, expected that I won't have it all figured out yet. If a younger version of myself somehow traveled to the future and saw this, no you didn't.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Insomnia Never Gets Old

 Been a while since I took to the blog to attempt to hack my insomnia. 

Honestly, it feels like I'm fourteen again, dreading nighttime because even though I may have been a bear in another life, I can't get my stupid human body to cooperate and go the fuck to sleep. I used to take melatonin for it but it always left me feeling groggy in the morning. Then years passed and one psychiatrist or another prescribed Trazodone, which I can only describe as horse tranquilizer. It knocked me out for a full twenty-four hours so I opted not to continue it. Thanks a lot for wasting an entire day of my life -_-

I stayed at my dad's last night 'cuz yesterday was his 57th birthday and Yan Diego and I wanted to celebrate it by going out to dinner, just the three of us. It was really nice. The bro and I split a chicken Milanese salad while my dad ordered a spinach-mushroom type risotto (which I obviously stole some bites of because DUH). After dinner, we all ventured off to buy beer except I forgot about the laws on selling alcohol after 8pm in most places, so a gas station selection would have to do. Papi and YD both chose their faves while I hung back; wasn't much feeling the need for alc. Then the sweetest man running the counter rang us up and handed me two lollipops (presumably because he thought I was underage and was feeling left out by not getting my own drinks). Now, I'm fully twenty-two years old and 10000000% could've legally bought my own if I wanted, but I'll take free lollipops any day.

We ended up taking the long way home (with my idiot brother pausing to pee behind a bush). Once we got back, I greeted Scout and Phoenix with high-pitched affection and sat down so we could begin watching The Batman (Edward Cullen version). The movie was A THOUSAND YEARS LONG but very worth it. Of course, it didn't help that I kept having to pause every thirty minutes so I could recap what was going on... At one point I even got Yan Diego to make me an entire bowl of mac 'n cheese while recapping. Overall, I thought it was genius, brilliantly written, designed, edited, acted, etc. It did give me wicked anxiety though because the villains felt all too realistic and the misogyny some of the characters faced felt a wee bit too relatable eeek

Then Papi went to bed and I spent the next hour forcing Yan Diego to watch trash Riverdale compilations on Youtube. His old ass called it around 3am ('cuz he's a working man and all) and so we went back upstairs to the room we share. He and I haven't shared a room since I was seven and he was ten. Now we're twenty-two and twenty-five, him having taken over my mattress while I'm at college, and me occupying the couch sectional in the corner. And I know it's not like we actually share a room anymore (I'm never usually home), but something about it felt safe and familiar and old. We spent our early childhoods in Queens, NY; what feels like lifetimes later, we're in Po-town, NY. Still sharing a room. It made me long for my childhood like an absolute blubbering sap. Because here I am, twenty-two and a junior in college, feeling as tired and aged as my eighty-somethin'-year-old grandparents. 

I miss writing for fun. To feel things. To make others feel. I miss reading for pleasure. And waking up refreshed without an alarm. I miss spending all day off my phone (because I didn't have one), not a care in the world. I don't want to pay bills. I don't want to file taxes. I don't want to have to remember meetings and rehearsals and appointments. I want to wake up whenever I feel, eat sugary cereal and watch Cyber Chase. Or sit sprawled across the floor with coloring utensils. Or balled up in a hammock reading the very first Harry Potter book. I miss chocolate milk mornings and Beatles for bedtime. I miss giggling in the backseat and having no knowledge of car accidents. I miss easy homework and imagination for days. I miss my little self. I know people are always saying there's no use fixating on the past but I didn't know how quickly mine would be ripped away from me. So I'm allowed to long.

I'd forgotten what writing on here felt like. Like never-ending flutters on a keyboard, letting my thoughts dictate whatever they fancied. I'd forgotten how... freeing? it feels to ramble uninterrupted, uncensored, and with no agenda. I don't even get to do that in therapy!

I'm still feeling nostalgic and I doubt I'll make it to bed at an appropriate time but here's to trying.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

I'm Feeling Old Now

Will this be my only post this year? Let's hope not.

..........

1. What did you do in 2021 that you'd never done before?

Got my first tattoo!!! And second. And third. Got my first covid vaccine!!! And second. And third. Ordered my first legal drink. Got shwasted. Drank in front of my grandparents at my cousin's wedding. Dated a woman (whom I am still head over heels for!) Did the lesbian deed with said woman lmao. Did my first ever wine tasting *heart eyes* Said wine tasting occurred with said woman in EUROPE so, basically my life is better than yours.

2. Did you keep your New Years Resolutions and will you make more for next year?

During a parmesan panorama punani pandemmy? Resolutions? More like I've been trying to stay alive, thanks.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My cousin Chloe had a baby girl born on my same exact birthday! Baby Lily is now my birthday twin, only twenty-one years younger :)

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Riccardo. It was too soon, my dear friend.

5. What countries did you visit?

I actually have fun answers this time! And you wouldn't think it 'cuz corona but still! I, of course, spent an annoying amount of time in the US and sadly didn't get to visit DR. However, I did get to visit the love of my life in SWITZERLAND of all places??? And then we took a quick little weekend trip to France, like...  my life cannot get more romantic or romanticized than that.

6. What would you like to have in 2022 that you lacked in 2021?

Predictability. Stability. A steady income. The usual.

7. What dates from 2021 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

February. First tattoo!
March 6. My 21st Birthday!!! (also hbd Lily)
April 20. No longer a lesbian virgin lol.

July. Memphis!!!

October. Switzerland <3 France <3 Zoë <3

December 2. Death Day Debut ;)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Having the courage, determination, and the nerve to stand up for myself against my school administration when they were being classist, ableist, elitest fucks. And also getting to play a Latina character for the first time in my life—that was truly something.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Whoa there buddy, let's use some less violent language there, shall we? I wish I had noticed my value and worth in friendships and relationships sooner. I wish I had dropped people who did not serve me and realized sooner that they did not deserve me. I wish I had listened to my dear ones' warnings.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Ya girl is literally chronically mentally ill ahaha but other than that, didn't get the 'rona *knock on wood* so that's a win. I only had to put up with the lovely, delightful symptoms of aging, such as horrific tendonitis flare-ups in both my knees, among other less glamorous things.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Plane tickets to see my Zoë <3 Oh and AN iPAD FOR SCHOOL THAT LITERALLY CHANGED MY LIFE (thank you Sabrina)!!!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Not even gonna lie: mine. I did so much work on myself this past year, it's kinda wild and deserves recognition. And sure, I may not be where I want to be yet but I did some badass things that previous me never would have been able to.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?

Many, of course, but I've got someone specific in mind. No matter, she won't be making appearances around here anymore.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Take-out food binges. And plane tickets (dear god they cost as much as a mortgage).

15. What did you get really, really excited about?

My first tattoo! Getting to star in a play that centered young, powerful Latinx voices. Getting to visit my girlfriend in EUROPE?!!! Truly any time I got to see her was a gift.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2021?

Head Over Feet. Jagged Little Pill Cast.

Kiss Me More. Doja Cat ft. SZA

MONTERO. Lil Nas X.

good 4 u. Olivia Rodrigo.

Woman. Doja Cat.

Balancing the Scales. Barlow & Bear.

Heat Waves. Glass Animals.

Best Friend. Saweetie ft. Doja Cat.

Woman. Diana Gordon.

DÁKITI. Bad Bunny ft. Jhay Cortez.

34+35. Ariana Grande.

drivers license. Olivia Rodrigo.

Levitating. Dua Lipa ft. DaBaby.

space girl. Frances Forever.

Promiscuous. Nelly Furtado ft. Timbaland.

abcdefu. GAYLE.

STAY. The Kid LAROI ft. Justin Bieber.

Shivers. Ed Sheeran.
Easy On Me. Adele.

INDUSTRY BABY. Lil Nas X ft. Jack Harlow.

Bad Habits. Ed Sheeran.

Do It To It. ACRAZE ft. Cherish.

All Too Well (Taylor's Version). Taylor Swift.

Happier Than Ever. Billie Eilish.

love nwantiti (ah ah ah). CKay.

Beggin. Måneskin.

Oh My God. Adele.

SAD GIRLZ LUV MONEY Remix. Amaarae ft. Kali Uchis, Moliy

One Right Now. Post Malone ft. The Weeknd.

traitor. Olivia Rodrigo.

Smokin Out The Window. Bruno Mars, Anderson .Paak, Silk Sonic.

Need to Know. Doja Cat.

THATS WHAT I WANT. Lil Nas X.

I AM WOMAN. Emmy Meli.

Ghost. Justin Bieber.

Meet Me At Our Spot. THE ANXIETY, WILLOW, Tyler Cole.

Peaches. Justin Bieber ft. Daniel Caesar, Giveon.

Life Goes On. Oliver Tree.

edamame. bbno$ ft Rich Brian.

GHOST TOWN. Benson Boone.

Don't Go Yet. Camila Cabello.

Save Your Tears. The Weeknd ft. Ariana Grande.

Bored. Billie Eilish.

Build a Bitch. Bella Poarch.

deja vu. Olivia Rodrigo.

Rasputin. Majestic, Boney M.

Astronaut in the Ocean. Masked Wolf.

Heartbreak Anthem. Galantis ft. David Guetta, Little Mix.

I GUESS I'M IN LOVE. Clinton Kane. 

telepatía. Kali Uchis.

Leave The Door Open. Bruno Mars, Anderson .Paak, Silk Sonic.

MAMMAMIA. Måneskin.

In Da Getto. J Balvin ft. Skrillex.

We're Good. Dua Lipa.

Beautiful Mistakes. Maroon 5 ft Megan Thee Stallion.

Prisoner. Miley Cyrus ft. Dua Lipa.

Good Days. SZA.

Dinero. Trinidad Cardona.

Heartbreak Anniversary. Giveon.

Love Again. Dua Lipa.

Dark Red. Steve Lacy.

Butter. BTS.

Blinding Lights. The Weeknd.

Mood. 24kGoldn ft. iann dior.

Watermelon Sugar. Harry Styles.

Up. Cardi B.

positions. Ariana Grande.

Lemonade. Internet Money ft. Gunna, Don Toliver, NAV.

WITHOUT YOU. The Kid LAROI.

Supalonely. BENEE, Gus Dapperton.

Holy. Justin Bieber ft. Chance the Rapper.

A-O-K. Tai Verdes.

pov. Ariana Grande.

Physical. Dua Lipa.

Say So. Doja Cat. 

Thot Shit. Megan Thee Stallion.

Jalebi Baby. Tesher ft. Jason Derulo.

motive. Ariana Grande ft. Doja Cat.

Ain't Shit. Doja Cat.

Buss It. Erica Banks.

Get Into It (Yuh). Doja Cat.

Cry Baby. Megan Thee Stallion ft. DaBaby.

Dick. StarBoi3 ft. Doja Cat.

Into The Thick of It. The Backyardigans.

Iko Iko (My Bestie). Justin Wellington ft. Small Jam.

WHOLE LOTTA MONEY. Bia ft. Nicki Minaj.

Bills, Bills, Bills. Destiny's Child.

Like I Can. Sam Smith.

GUY.exe. Superfruit.

Have Mercy. Chlöe.

Running Away. VANO 3000, BADBADNOTGOOD, Samuel T. Herring.

Bananza (Belly Dancer). Akon.

my ex's best friend. Machine Gun Kelly ft. blackbear.

WAP. Cardi B ft. Megan Thee Stallion.

Circles. Post Malone.

Man's World. MARINA.

Dress. Charlotte Sands.

MANCHILD. Emily Bear.

Candy. Machine Gun Kelly ft. Trippie Redd.

Maneater. Nelly Furtado.

Mind Over Matter. Anthony Ramos.

She. Dodie.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

(a) Moods are in constant fluctuation but overall, I'd say happier.
(b) What on earth is up with these invasive questions? I gained more weight than I ever have in my life and I'm learning to be okay with it.
(c) I'm only a fraction of a fraction richer than I was, monetarily speaking. With everything else though, I'd say exponentially.

18. What do you wish you had done more of?

I wish for every possible moment with Zoë. I wish I had done some more writing, sleeping, dreaming.

19. What do you wish you had done less of?

Giving people who weren't worth it the time of day. And gosh, I need to spend less time on my phone.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With my dad, the kitties, and the bros in our tiny apartment in NY. It was the best one we've had in years.

21. Did you fall in love in 2021?

Oh my, did I... She's everything and more.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Chrisley Knows Best.

One Day At A Time.

New Girl.

Julie & The Phantoms.

Peaky Blinders.
Maid.

Outer Banks.

Next in Fashion.

Sex Education.

Derry Girls.

Dead to Me.

Schitt's Creek.

The Queen's Gambit.

The Great British Baking Show.

23. Do you hate someone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Usually, I'd say hate is a pretty strong word but honestly I'd go so far as to say yeah. This warrants it.

24. What was the best book you read?

Dear god... did I read a single book this year? Uh... I'll get back to you on that.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

RATATOUILLE THE TIKTOK MUSICAL omfg greatest thing ever invented.
Måneskin, sexy beasts that they are.

Barlow&Bear, the talented-beyond-belief duo of my dreams.

26. What did you want and get?

True love <3 Experiences of a lifetime.

27. What did you want and not get?

An apology.

28. What was your favorite film of the year?

I dunno if you noticed but... it's been kinda ~impossible~ to go to the movies as of late so many of these had to wait. Luckily, the internet exists.

Luca.

In the Heights.

Black Widow.

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings.
Encanto.

Don't Look Up.

The French Dispatch.

tick, tick... BOOM!

I have yet to see:

Spiderman: No Way Home (if anyone spoils this for me, I will personally make sure the rest of your life is filled with tiny innumerable inconveniences)

Being the Ricardos.

Licorice Pizza.

West Side Story.

House of Gucci.

C'mon C'mon.

Spencer.

Old.

Cyrano.

Wolf.

Minari.

29. What is one thing that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Look, when I tell you lesbians do it better... they really truly do lmao

30. How would you describe your fashion concept in 2021?

Cottagecore-wannabe/baby-sapphic/yikes-depression.

31. What kept you sane?

Weed lmao kiddinggg (not really) But also my fierce, incomparably loyal friends. And doing theatre. Performing. Singing. Cooking. And knowing how long it would be 'til I could see Zoë again.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Doja Cat is just *perfection* Also, Zoë got me hooked on Machine Gun Kelly and I'm not mad about it. And of course, as always, Zendaya and Tom Holland, who will always have my heart.

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

I'm not even gonna go there. I was simply astonished by how blatantly selfish and arrogant some choose to be.

34. Who do you miss?

Titi. Mami. Zoë. A lot of people.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2021.

Sometimes, people you thought loved you will absolutely break your heart. Hard as it might be, it's okay to let them go. Get angry! Anger is powerful and deserves to be felt! You deserve to have people in your life who will see your value and worth no matter what the circumstance and choose you every time. Make no space for nonsense. You are a GIFT—and not one anyone should take for granted.

36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"You've already won me over, in spite of me

And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

And don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn't help it, it's all your fault."

"Head Over Feet" by Alanis Morissette

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Amalgamation

Sup.

I haven't been able to write for months. I mean, I've tried. But I never ended up finishing any of the posts I meant to write and so I've been left with an amalgamation of sorts. I thought I'd share them anyway.

..........

It's been exactly one month since I turned twenty and one month since I last saw all my Vassar friends. It's been a month since I had possessions that existed outside of a carry-on suitcase and a month since things started to go downhill.

It's hard to believe that a month ago, I was still convinced I'd be going back to school in two weeks' time; that I'd spend a week touring Chicago with my a cappella group; that I'd get to go back to my room and spend quality time with Jessica, with Charlotte & Leila; that I'd get to crash Evan's room so we could blow out our very late birthday candles; that I'd finally be able to go on a real date with the guy I was trying not to crush on for months.

..........

Heya.

It's late, I know. 

Bit nauseous, bit of a headache. Can't seem to sleep. Just one of those nights, I suppose. 

I'm in a mood I think. There were excellent parts to this week and parts I wish I could forget. My anxiety's been real bad.

..........

Hi friends <3

I meant to write something in the month of October but it seemed to have escaped me. The days dragged on, each one feeling longer than the last. A blur of nightmares, skipped meals, and incomplete assignments. My friends are gems, though. We're all just trying to make it through. Only three weeks til home.

Rip so I wrote that weeks ago

..........

I dunno what's wrong. I mean I should know what's wrong. I'm pretty sure I know what's wrong. I haven't taken my meds for a week. That would do it. It wasn't exactly on purpose. I dunno. Maybe it was. Maybe I'm self-sabotaging again. Maybe my brain doesn't want me to succeed. 

I'm in the middle of a Dungeons and Dragons game at the moment. Should I be paying attention? Probably. I'm trying to. I want to. I also can't shake the need to violently vomit. Withdrawals, probably. Oh, and the Big Sads. That, too.

Being home is hard. It's a lot. It's knocked me down lower than I thought it would. I can't wait to go back home. Real home. School. Where my friends will be. Where I want to be. 

I want to be okay. I want my brain to stop scrambling. I want to feel okay in my body. I don't want to hate being alive. 

I'm trying my best to feel like an interesting person. Like I can be good at things. Like I might have talents. Like I might not be mediocre. The company I keep is hard to beat. Not that there's anything to beat. I'm proud of them. I appreciate them. I love them for who they are. I'm just not them. Or anywhere near them. I want to like myself. 

I'm so tired all the time. My body hurts all the time. I think it thinks I'm fighting a bear every day. Or getting hit by a bus. Or battling the flu. My bones hurt. My muscles ache. My head throbs. My stomach churns. Why do mental poisons seep so deeply into our bodies?

..........

Hi there darlings.

I know the holiday season can be extremely difficult for some of us. It certainly is for me. Whatever your reason may be, I want to make sure you know you are loved and cherished and cared for, if not by anyone else, then by you. Be your own best supporter this holiday season (it's also a-okay to ask for help when you need it.)

..........

It was so bad. The screaming just never stopped. I just wanted to have a good Christmas. A good anything, really. Family isn't supposed to cause you this much pain. It isn't it isn't it isn't. Only a little more and then I'll be home home again. 

..........

We broke up. It was the right choice.

..........

A civil war? In this economy?

..........

HEY BITCHES!

Things have been kinda... good lately? Food has been more stable and fun (I get to cook a lot of it) and my brothers have been nice to me which is unheard of. My dad's about the same but we've binge-watched a lot of shows with my brothers like His Dark Materials and Peaky Blinders and Ink Master. It's been nice. My cats have each slept in my room more so, yaknow, maybe they love me after all. LINNEA ADOPTED A DOG! AND SHE'S NAMING HIM MONET! LIKE A BALLER! And he's going to be my little nephew I am so excited. I started knitting again (thanks to Jessica crocheting boob triangles) and I started collaging again (thanks to an identity crisis.) Oh also JESSICA FINALLY GOT HER ROOM ASSIGNMENT AND SHE'S JUST DOWN THE HALL FROM ME I AM SO BEYOND EXCITED TO SQUEEZE THAT WOMAN AGAIN! And also we finally watched The Warriors (her and her dad's fave movie to watch together, so I think I'm part of the family now.) I'm hella fucking nervous for school to start again because I still don't have my class schedule ahahaha but hopefully the imposter syndrome stops getting to me and I'll actually feel like I belong at Vassar. Oh, and I've made tiktoks? I dunno, man... I'm a new woman or whatever.

..........

Aaaaaand that concludes all the things I meant to write but never finished (minus the Thanksgiving and New Years' posts, those will have to wait.) I know it's not much but I guess you can at least see the progression of my different mental states or something? Wack. Anyway.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Para Mami

Algo que quice escribir hace mucho. Ya basta de esperar.

..........

Para Mami

by: Maya I. Wilson Estrella

I can’t seem to write about anyone but you.

Wanting you to love me. Wanting you to care.

Wanting you to treasure me and always be there.

I’ve been so far away. I haven’t left you notes. 

If I had, would you even read what I wrote?

Wanting you to be proud. Wanting to be good.

Wanting to be just as loud and also understood.

Hold my hand, please. It’s been so long.

I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t want to be wrong.

Have I been missed? Do you remember my name?

It’s me, Ma. Did you notice the rain?

It’s your eyes, your smile, your nose.

I’ve still got all my fingers and all of my toes.

Wanting you closer. Wanting to forget.

Wishing I’d called. Wishing you’d fret.

There were nice parts sometimes.

Petting my hair back, temple kisses, applause.

The times I was purer and devoid of flaws.

You read to me, danced with me, I sang in the womb.

Why’d I have to go on and grow up so soon?

Mándame besos, bendiciones, tu fuerza, tu paz.

Muéstrame que yo sí soy capaz.

I’ll miss you for always, I’ll love you forever,

Gracias a Dios our relationship is better.

..........

Te quiero, Mami.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Different and the Same

 Saludos, chiquitines <3 Currently writing to you from my SINGLE dorm room at Vassar (can you tell I'm excited about it?) in the comfort of my squishy, sweaty bed. I've been here about a week already and things are somewhat different but also the same? I dunno, like obviously everybody is wearing masks all the time—yes, even to the bathroom—and I wasn't allowed to hug any of my friends when I arrived and there are tents all over campus that are supposed to be makeshift classrooms and I have to stay six feet apart from everybody at all time, but... I guess this is all still a step up from total isolation in bumfuck nowhere Vermont. Don't get me wrong, Montpelier is a cute little town but SO not where I want to spend the rest of my days. Too insular, too homogenous, too conformist. 

Hang on, I just got a huge wave of fatigue, yikes.

Okay, not dead yet.

Tomorrow is the first day of classes and though I'm excited, I'm a little bit terrified. My first class is Psych Stats which is a math class which means I might die. Then I'm getting lunch with my babes Linnea and Juliana, only head over to Sources of World Drama with Jack and Charlotte and Cameron and all my other fave people afterward. At 3:00pm I've got my second COVID test scheduled and from 4pm to 5pm, I'm meeting with Nicole about some not-so-fun stuff. Overall, quite a busy first day.

Seeing my absolute favorite people over the past week has been magnificent. I couldn't stand being apart from them for months on end. It still super sucks that I can't hug any of them but picnics with Linnea, Jack & Juliana are almost as fun, and aimless wandering around campus with Evan is just as hilarious, and hallway chats with Garret, Charlotte & Leila are just as absurd and entertaining. The only missing link right now is Jessica aka last year's roomie aka my personal comedienne aka the love of my life <3 She decided to study remotely this semester which is completely understandable but I miss her SO MUCH because she brings me so much joy and can make me laugh like no other. The good news is we have a virtual sociology class together so I will get to see her gorgeous face on Zoom every Tuesday and Thursday! Not quite the same, but it's something.

Acquiring food is a little strange because it's all takeout so I just end up hoarding cereal containers so I don't have to get up for breakfast the next morning lol I guess it's a good thing though because it forces me to sit outside and I'm not much of an outdoors fan otherwise ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

My room is everything I could've hoped for and more :) Almost as big as last year's room (which was a double) and so very aesthetically pleasing in my eyes. Even though I forgot to bring an entire box of decorations with me because I'm a genius :) My skincare self-care corner has definitely become an apothecary of sorts and it makes me feel like a witchy queen hehehe My bed is lofted and cozy as ever, what with Evie the Owl, Piglet the Owl, Hobbes the Owl, Bella Moose the Unicorn, and Kuzco the Llama. It's a party every night, obviously. My fairy lights bring me immense joy and my closet happens to be an open plan so I decided to organize my clothes by color gradient and I am very pleased with the result. I've got little postcards on the wall and trinkets from previous adventures and memories from old friends, not to mention my window fan is the closest I'll get to having an AC. 

The Owls won't be able to hold auditions or rehearsals this semester for obvious reasons but we still plan on meeting virtually at least once a week which should be nice. I believe we plan to record some virtual songs this semester and will reveal them as our pseudo "final concert". My fingers are crossed for the spring.

Today is the two year anniversary of Titi's death. I dunno if I was meant to feel something or what. I miss her. But I also know she'd be incredibly proud of me and all that I've overcome. I think she'd find my classes really cool. I'm excited to take Dance Improv because of her. I wanna be like her in so many ways. She still doesn't quite feel gone. I haven't let her feel gone yet, I don't think. I don't want her to be. She's still my favorite. She will never not be.

Javier is a sophomore in high school which blows my mind. I guess I'm a sophomore in college which makes it weirder. He's killing it on all fronts as usual. I really hope I get to see him this winter <3 I don't want him getting any older. My mom and I are on better terms these days. I like it better that way.

I miss my kitties, Phoenix and Scout. I don't miss their fur in my mouth 24/7 tho. I miss Suki. I miss Natasha and our numerous trips to TJ Maxx. I miss watching Umbrella Academy with YD and rambling about how he is literally Klaus. I miss my dad. 

I'm excited and hopeful for this semester. I can't afford not to be. I want so many good things for so many people. I want the people I love to know I love them. I want them to know how valued they are. How much I would do anything for them to be happy. I'm missing a lot of people. But I think about them every day. 

I dunno, y'all. I'm tired and I have to get up early tomorrow and I'm past making coherent sentences. Keeping the lot of you in my thoughts.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya <3

Temporary Relief Part 4

Saludos, friends <3 Here we are with the final section of this series. Hopefully, I'll be compelled to write something real next time.

..........

1. Which purchase gave you the worst case of buyer's remorse?

If you mean a purchase I regret because it was useless or not at all what was advertised, I can think of a few. Namely, my first ever anti-depressant hahahahahahahahaha Prozac fucking sucked :)

2. When have you been happiest in your life?

Surrounded by the laughter of my friends. Cheesy, I know.

3. Which life-changing event did you think would be negative but has actually been positive?

The first time I auditioned for professional theater. I made it to the final round of casting before getting rejected and at the time, I thought I would never step foot on a stage again. Little did I know I had just caught the theater bug. You're looking at a drama major in the making ;)

4. Who are your happiness role-models?

Bob Ross, Fred Rogers & Steve Irwin because the internet told me so. They are the true holy trinity. Also animals. They are so unafraid to live in the here and now. We have much to learn from them.

5. What was the most fruitless thing you've done to make yourself happier?

Something I'm not very proud of.

6. Which fruit do you wish was more available?

Avocados, man.

7. What's your favorite way to spend time outside?

Me? Outside? Never.

Lol jk I can tolerate being outside as long as I'm near a swimmable body of water.

8. If you could move to the happiest place you can imagine where would that be?

Somewhere with universal healthcare. Bit sad, innit?

9. How much control do you have over your thoughts?

More now than I ever used to.

10. What are you usually doing when you lose yourself in something enjoyable?

Singing or dancing or writing :)

11. When was the last time you swallowed your anger and felt better?

Bitch, NEVER. Anger is meant to be felt. There's a reason it's there.

12. Do you bring energy into a room or suck it out?

I like to think I brighten the energy in a room, but I guess I'll never know for myself.

13. When you get nothing substantial done in a day, how do you feel about yourself?

Ba-su-ra.

14. Is happiness the point?

It's a huge part of the point.

15. If you could be famous for anything what would you choose?

World's most renowned and accessible and successful therapist. It'd be rad to be able to help people while also raking in that ca$h money.  

16. What are your top three strengths?

Oh boy... Resilience, compassion and warmth maybe?

17. If you had to rate your wealth by the quality of your life's relationships how would you measure up?

I'd be a zillionaire, babeyyy ;)

18. What color makes you happiest?

purple purple purple purple purple purple purple <3

19. When you leave your friends are you energized or exhausted?

As an extroverted introvert, most everyone leaves me feeling exhausted save for a select few. It's nothing personal.

20. Does work contribute to your happiness or take away from it?

If you mean my most recent job, being around kids couldn't bring me more joy :)

21. Who's the happiest-smelling person you know?

Happiness smells like something? Who knew ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

22. Which kinds of decisions exhaust you?

The hard ones.

23. How do you decide whether an experience is positive or not?

My gut feeling is typically very opinionated.

24. What bad habits contribute to our unhappiness?

The assumption that we can find permanent happiness outside of ourselves.

25. How much are you influenced by others' unhappiness?

Ya girl is a heavy empath sooooooo... Negative energy hits hard.

26. How much of your day do you spend in your car?

Lmao you thought I had a car 😆

27. Are you book-smart or street-smart?

I'd like to think a bit of both? I can read people pretty well.

28. Are there certain foods or drinks that make you feel happier?

Strawberries and cream, without a doubt.

29. What gives your life meaning?

The people I love.

30. What one thing would make you happy?

Absolving my family of all debts and intergenerational trauma.

31. How much of your thinking is concerned with the past or future?

A lot of it. At this stage in my life, the present is greatly affected by both.

32. When do you get your best ideas?

Circa 3AM EST.

33. When are you happiest?

When I feel useful and appreciated.

34. Are you healthier when you're happier?

A million times more, yes.

35. Who's the best boss you ever had?

Chloe's mom, for sure. Chloe is a dog, by the way.

36. What everyday problem bothers you?

Putting in and taking out my contacts, ugh.

37. What gets you out of bed in the morning?

Very few things lol

38. What's your favorite way to distract yourself?

Pinterest works wonders. Reading old fanfics too.

39. When you shut your eyes at night what do you think about?

The kind of person I want to be in this world. That, and every single embarrassing thing I've ever done in my life :)

40. What's the best part of your physical appearance?

I like my smiley eyes. You know. The squinty eyes I make when I smile. That's how you can tell it's real.

My butt is pretty nice, too ;)

41. Can you overdose on things that make you happy?

You can overdose on anything if you try hard enough.

42. When are you the most impatient?

When I'm hungry or tired. Bonus points if it's both.

43. What do you do for fun?

What do I not do for fun?

44. Do you remember your dreams?

Surprisingly, yes. Nine times outta ten I'll remember the details of my dream the night before. It's pretty sick, not gonna lie.

45. Are you happy right now?

Parts of me are. The rest of me will catch up someday.

..........

These were fun to answer. I hope you had fun reading :)

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Temporary Relief Part 3

And we're back with some more nonsense. Enjoy :)

..........

1. What's the best stress reliever you know?

Being near animals (preferably ones that love you) or listening to Potterless :)

2. What's the happiest song ever written?

Three Little Birds by Bob Marley. It's also the saddest song I know.

3. If you were guaranteed to be 20% happier, could you give up TV forever?

I mean, I haven't watched cable since I was probably around nine years old but if you're referring to all the Netflix and Hulu and Amazon and HBO series that exist in the world, hell no, I would never give those up. Art is my life source. I don't care how much happier I could be without it.

4. Would you rather deal with a problem head-on or avoid it forever?

Uhhhhhh you know me and my conflicts... If I could make them disappear with no real consequences, that'd be pretty neat.

5. Do you spend more time socializing through the computer or in the company of friends?

The thing is I'm blessed enough to have friends all over the world so I may not always be in the same immediate area as them. Whenever I am able to be in their physical company though, of course I would take advantage of that. It would be foolish of me not to.

6. Do you worry more about the little or the big things?

It's the little things that become big things more often than not, no?

7. Is the richest person you know significantly happier than you?

Lmao probably. The things good healthcare can get you, I'm just sayin'...

8. What's the best music to exercise with?

Oooo great question. I tend to pull out my Latin dance remixes, those never fail. But I guess one could never go wrong with a good Dua Lipa or Ariana Grande jam.

9. Are you an open book?

Annoyingly, yes.

10. What were three of your favorite moments today?

Booping Phoenix on the nose, buying Platanitos at TJ Maxx, and watching Schitt's Creek with Natasha.

11. What's a great memory you have of a stranger giving you assistance?

When I was fourteen years old, I was stalked, harassed and verbally assaulted by a grown man while on a flight, and then later through the connecting airport. Since I was an unaccompanied minor, an employee was assigned to watch over me as I made my connecting flight. This beautiful, warm, angel of a Jamaican woman saw to it that the man was taken away by security and proceeded to hug me close to her chest, wiping away my tears as I shook with the fear from it all. Most of the attacks made were about my identity and the lady took my face in both her hands to tell me no one will ever have the right to tell me who I am—only I define that. It has stuck with me ever since.

12. What smell reminds you of childhood?

Nesquick chocolate milk, sizzling garlic and onions, and saltwater air.

13. Are you willing to ask for help when you need it?

I'd like to think I'm better about that now.

14. Where would you volunteer if you had a free day tomorrow?

Ideally, there are so many places I'd love to give a helping hand to. Realistically, my current option would probably be an animal shelter <3

15. What was the most creative time of your life?

Every time I never wanted to see the light of day again.

16. How much energy do you spend seeking appreciation versus giving it?

I'm hoping it's an even split but quite honestly, I love praise whoops ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

17. What's the most persuasive outside influence on your life?

Cooler weather. Seriously.

18. Do you ever feel guilty for being happy?

All the time.

19. What's your favorite daydream?

A happy, healthy, stable life void of excess suffering.

20. What was the best vacation you ever took?

Ireland, babeyyyyy!!!

21. Who's the most optimistic person you know?

My Abuelo. He's seen it all and he still chooses love and life every time.

22. What's the best way you've found to deal with criticism?

Taking a step back to reflect on the source and where it might be coming from.

23. How do you unnecessarily spend money?

On anything that smells good, ever lol

24. What do you know that can be happy in any situation?

Ice cream doesn't fix everything, but it certainly makes things better.

25. Who has the most beautiful smile in the world?

My dad :)

..........

Just a few things to keep the unpleasantries at bay.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Things I Want to Tell My Younger Self

Hey, babe. Sit down, you're gonna wanna hear this:

• Stop picking at your face. I know it's tempting, but don't.

• Bad people don't care about whether or not they're a good person. The fact that you care speaks for itself.

• The voices will go away eventually. They'll be replaced by more loving thoughts like, "It's okay to feel so much. It means you are special."

• I know it's hard to believe, but school is not everything. Life goes on without it and your grades do not equate to your value. You are worth more than your grades.

• Oily skin will keep you looking younger longer ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

• You need to eat, kid. I know sometimes it feels like you don't deserve it or you didn't earn it, but you need it to stay alive. We need you alive.

• You are not too sensitive. You are you, and that is enough.

• You were always radiant, even when you didn't like yourself.

• Helping people is great, but it's not selfish to help yourself first. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

• Not everyone will like you. And that's okay. Don't waste time trying to make them.

• You don't owe anyone anything. Especially not your personhood.

• It was not your fault.

• No one is ever too old for stuffed animals.

• You do not need to put up with people who don't know your worth. Family included.

• Stop biting your cuticles, dummy. That's why they're always bleeding.

• Moisturize!!!

• Wear your goddamn retainers.

• You do not need to be a "lady" to be respected.

• Who gives a fuck if you shave or not? You choose.

• You do not have to fit into a box. Don't be something just because others expect you to be.

• Trust your first instinct. I mean it.

• Your boobs will grow, relax.

• You do not have to be stellar at something to enjoy it.

• Listen to music that makes you happy. Sad music is fine, but not all the time.

• Your body is not as weird as you think it is.

• Do not take opinions from people you wouldn't go to for advice.

• Your parents will let you down. It's okay. The world will go on, and you will learn to take care of yourself.

• Not making your bed isn't that big of a deal.

• Draw stick figures. Who cares.

• You are much stronger than you think.

• Not painting your nails doesn't make you any less girly.

• Being feminine is NOT a weakness.

• You don't always have to smile at people. Especially not when they tell you to.

• Camping is just as bad as you think it is. Don't do it lmao

• Save. Your. Money.

• Even if you're too tired to get out of bed, drink some water. You will have done something productive that day.

• Your laugh is a great one. Don't let it go to waste.

• Stop ignoring your leftovers!!!

• You absolutely CAN rock that haircut.

• Those who love you will not care whom you love.

• Some things just kinda suck. Let them suck and then move on.

• You are allowed to get angry. You have every right to be angry.

• Crying does not make you weak. It doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn't.

• Alcohol is gross. You're not missing out.

• Call him out on his bullshit. It's not okay.

• When all else fails, you've still got the moon and the stars rooting for you. Astrology isn't all made up ;)

Hasta la próxima,

Much love, nena xoxo

Maya <3 

Temporary Relief Part 2

Morning, darlings. I hope you are all staying well and taking care of your wonderful selves. The past week has been... eventful, for lack of a better word. No better time to commence the brain-numbing than through the second section of the conversation card questions.

..........

1. Do you ever eat lunch outside?

I assume this means when I'm at school/work? If the weather allows, for sure, but not when too many bugs are around *yuck*

2. Have you seen your work suffer when you're unhappy?

All. The. Time. Mood swings and performance correlations are no joke.

3. When you think about getting older do you imagine being happy?

I want to. I hope so. Every day I try to work toward creating the life I always wanted and never had. So we'll see.

4. Do you have certain foods that make you happier?

DO I? Strawberries & cream, Capri Suns, pickles, carrots with lime, extra buttery popcorn, anything Entenmman's, refried bean burritos, strawberry banana smoothies, Abuelo's baked ziti, salted mangoes, RICE, tomatoes with lime, tostones, Deece ice cream concoctions, arepitas, kiwis, concón, Quaker Oats dinosaur oatmeal, queso frito, sourdough bread, salted lime, cucumbers with lime, salami, Abuelo's dulce de coco, Abuela's ensalada de repollo, empanadas, banana bread muffins, Papi's pasta bolognese, Mami's fried eggs (jokes cuz that's like the only thing she can cook lol), and a million other things. Moral of the story is I'm kind of super into food :)

5. Where's the most unlikely place you've made a friend?

A bathroom lol

6. What would you love to grow?

Literally? Some freaking basil plants, man. Figuratively, probably patience and the ability to say no.

7. If you could get rid of a daily noise from something what would it be?

Not fully sure what this question is going for but I'm gonna say the stupid "Caw-Caw!!! Caw-Caw!!!"'s from the ravens in our backyard every morning. Like, they start at 6am, dude. The audacity.

8. Whose marriage would you like to emulate?

My late Titi Dorianny and her husband Tio John's, for sure. They were oh so in love and brought out the absolute best in each other. They went on adventures, they had dance parties, they pursued art projects together, they cooked together, they laughed together, they held each other up through everything until the very end. I have never known any other people who loved like that. What they had was for sure a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing.

9. Are you happier when your life has structure or with total freedom?

Sooooooo the thing is I suck at maintaining structure for myself??? Like, I know that I tend to thrive off of routines (when I'm able to stick with them) but on the other hand, I find some of my happiest moments to be the most spontaneous and unscheduled ones.

10. Do you have higher standards for yourself or other people?

5 million percent higher for myself, it's infuriating.

11. How happy are your genes?

Uhhhh is this a question about my DNA? If so, I legitimately couldn't answer your question. I have no idea lmao

12. When do you feel most independent?

When I accomplish adult-y things, like bank errands or grocery shopping or folding laundry or making uncomfy phonecalls with even more adult-y people or cooking for myself and others or deep cleaning an entire room. Just things like that. I don't love doing those things, but when I do get them done I feel like an accomplished human.

13. Would you rather have children that are successful or happy?

I consider happiness to be the greatest success :)

14. Why do so many beautiful people seem so miserable?

Can't relate so I couldn't tell you hahaahahaaaa otherwise idk, society man ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

15. What do you worry about in the middle of the night?

Oh buddy, you don't wanna know... But mostly embarrassing shit I did in the third grade that I will never live down. Rip.

16. Is Disneyland really the happiest place on earth?

Can confirm it's not even in the top twelve happiest places on earth.

17. What are the small daily things that give you pleasure?

The way my cats purr to get out of scoldings because they know they can get away with it; a warm mug of tea held between my hands; the dust particles dancing in rays of sunshine; my cats' little toe beans; showering after feeling gross all day; flinging my bra across the room for fun (hehe); watching my cats nap; sleeping on freshly laundered sheets; texting my very best friends that I love them.

18. What's your favorite dream about your future?

I am alive. I am healthy. I am free of all debts. I'm an accomplished occupational therapist for children. I have a spouse who adores me and kids who are never afraid to ask me things. I live in some quiet, easy suburb, away from city chaos. We have two cats and a dog whom we love very much. My life is no longer a mess. I find joy in being awake. 

19. Have you ever gone on a news fast?

As a Highly Sensitive Person (it's a real thing, look it up lol), I literally cannot handle vast amounts of overwhelming content for prolonged periods of time lest I wanna plummet headfirst into a mental breakdown. So, news fasts are kind of typical for me. I require more charging time than others, so frequent breaks are needed. Tis simply my lot in life ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

20. Why do we spend our time doing things we know won't make us happy?

Free will, bro. Idk.

21. When's the last time you took a big risk?

I think a lot of the risks I end up taking in life are purely coincidental or accidental XD But on a more serious note, I guess when I re-applied to college after two years. There was no guarantee I'd get in, and applying to college once is draining enough, let alone doing it twice. I'm really glad it ended up working out :)

22. What are your greatest pleasures?

Bad romcoms, fuzzy socks, naps in the arms of a love, fried food, car karaoke with the best of friends, spontaneous adventures, long showers, Pinterest boards, having my hair played with, the warmth of a fire when the rest of the world is freezing, praise, the smell of grass in the morning, talking to the moon.

23. If you were going to begin dancing regularly what kind would you do?

100% would love to get back into hip-hop and jazz *heart eyes*

24. When you want to laugh, what or who do you turn to?

Potterless Podcast, old vine compilations, jokes written by kids, and when all else fails, Evan lmao <3

25. Is it harder to forgive yourself or others?

Ehhh I'd say it's a solid 60/40 split, with an edge towards me. Forgiving oneself is not easy work.

..........

And there you have it. Arbitrary answers to questions nobody asked or cared for :) You're welcome.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Temporary Relief Part 1

Hi friends.

I haven't been able to bring myself to write in quite some time. Due to everything going on in the world (and in my own life), it just didn't seem right. For a number of reasons, I've found it quite difficult to do anything for myself, even writing on this blog. The thought of doing anything for myself in light of recent events has only riddled me with guilt because it leaves me feeling empty, like I'm not doing enough, like I'm not contributing enough and I shouldn't spend time on myself when there are more pressing matters at hand. And while part of me still feels that way, I've realized how important it is to take care of myself and to do things for myself even in the midst of all this chaos and tragedy—because if I don't, there will be none of me left to fight. So if that means writing easy, mindless puff pieces in addition to signing petitions and donating where I can and re-educating myself on issues of systemic racism, then so be it (and I encourage you all to do the same! if you are able to attend protests, please do so safely!)

Anyway.

I discovered some "conversation starter cards" in my living room a while ago (courtesy of Natasha lol) and thought I'd give them a go. Since there are quite a few questions, I thought I'd split them into a couple different posts so as not to overwhelm you or myself :)

1. Would you choose to be 20% better-looking if it made you 20% less happy?

Probably not. I already have low-enough days... I don't need them to be any lower lol

2. Do your morals ever get in the way of your happiness?

Oh, definitely. Not often, but there are times where the easier, immoral option is the quickest road to happiness and yet I have to stop myself if I feel like keeping my integrity.

3. What quote do you live by?

Rest in Distress.

-Evan Rubenzahl

Lmao jk I have a handful. But the one I tend to come back to over and over again is "Have courage and be kind." Who knew Cinderella would have the answers on how to live my life ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

4. Is happiness over-rated?

Absolutely not.

5. What made each of your past pets special?

Oh boy, there were quite a few so I dunno if I'll be able to remember them all! There were the cannibal snails; the rescued baby bird;  Roger the Hamster named after the iconic Mr. Rogers; Gato and Bachi, my parents' first set of cats; the mysteriously disappearing frogs; Sandy the Prize Turtle who we thought was a boy but was actually a girl; probably several fish that have vanished from memory; Bernie & Phyllis, my precious sassy old rescue kitties; Suki the peanut chihuahua-terrier, who is the love of my life but such an old little woman now; Nutella the warm, adorable slobbery bulldog pup; and finally, Phoenix & Scout, my current demonically playful, astonishingly needy (and loud) kittens adopted from South Salem, New York.

6. Do you think it's easier to be happy when you don't have as many choices?

It can be. Ignorance is bliss and all that jazz.

7. Are you letting any of your gifts go to waste?

I mean, I hope not. I'm assuming gifts here means "natural talents" or something like that? Each of my "talent" inclinations has always fallen in the artistic realm but I haven't necessarily had the means to pursue them as in-depth as I'd like. Dance/voice/music lessons are not cheap, my dudes. I know I have skills there, I just need to figure out how to harness them fully.

8. Which bad habits could you cut out that would help you sleep better?

I'm not even gonna go there. Insomnia can go fuck itself.

9. What do you sometimes take for granted?

Probably my friends' kindness. They are too good to me and I do not deserve them <3

10. What is contributing a surprising amount of happiness to your life these days?

Not all that surprising, but Phoenix & Scout have stolen my entire heart and can get away with probably anything if they nuzzle me hard enough.

11. Have you ever tried to regularly take quiet time for yourself?

As an introvert, it's sorta hard to exist without it.

12. How often do you make a to-do list?

Ohmygod, every day.

13. What's the hardest thing for you to resist?

Persuasion.

14. What would you like to give up thinking about?

Student loans hahahaahhahahahahhaaaaaa

15. Which of your commitments is the hardest to keep?

I'm not entirely sure what this means but I guess anything school-related stresses me out the most and therefore I end up brushing things off until the last possible minute.

16. If you could wave a magic wand and one thing in your life would be checked off your to-do list what would you pick?

Any homework, ever. I love school and I love learning yall, but completing assignments? Not my area.

17. Do you accept what can't be changed?

Not always. I want to, though.

18. How can you be happier than you are right now?

If I could stick to a routine. I mean actually, really truly stick to a healthy routine to the point where it becomes second nature. But unfortunately, not much of my life has allowed for it.

19. Which locations are on your bucket list?

Colombia, Peru, El Salvador, Venezuela, Brazil, Chile, Cuba, Mexico, Scotland, The Netherlands, Portugal, France, Greece, Italy, Austria, Vietnam, Japan, Thailand, Australia, Nepal, China, The Philippines, Egypt, Lebanon, Nigeria, South Korea, Singapore, Bangladesh, Belgium, Switzerland, Norway, Denmark, Iceland... Man, the list could go on.

20. What are the three most important qualities you look for in a partner?

Compassion, humor & reliability.

21. What's the difference between pleasure and happiness?

I like to think of pleasure as a short-lived, immediate thing whereas happiness is more of a long-term, all-encompassing thing. 

22. Which area of your life needs the most organization?

My sleep schedule, holy shit.

23. Are you ever surprised by your own behavior?

Rarely. Usually, the surprise stems from the shock of my own self-restraint. I tend to be very impulsive when it comes to my emotions and the actions that follow them, so if I'm able to fight off some impulsive instincts, it's no small thing.

24. Who's the most surprisingly happy person you know?

All the ones I can think of are children, so... I dunno what that says about the adult world.

25. Do you have unnecessarily impossible standards?

For myself? Absolutely 100%. For others, not particularly.

..........

And there you have the first 25 questions, folks. If anything, I hope this brought some vague sense of levity to your own life before you go out and fight for change in this world (go do it! we need you!)

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

On Love & Creativity

Creativity comes and goes in bits and pieces. Much like love.

Love does that, too.

Sometimes it pours into your life in torrents, other times it faintly trickles... Sometimes, it might even feel like it's not there at all (don't worry, it is—you just haven't quite found it yet).

Anyone who knows me or knows this blog understands that I am often at war with my artistic self. It's either never enough or too much. I'm too black and white; too all or nothing. It's a trait most of my family inherited. I'm constantly torn between GO GO GO and NO NO NO. I'm either rushing or dragging; soaring or crashing; exploding with material or run absolutely dry. It's exhausting to live your life in extremes.

Every few months I get stuck in a creative rut, where I feel like nothing nothing nothing I produce is worth paying any mind to. And typically, when the rut comes to an end, I am bursting with life and ideas and neverending thoughts that I must get down on paper before they disappear. The only issue with that, of course, is the expense of my health. When I'm not producing, I get down on myself for not being enough which in turn makes me depressed and zaps my productivity. When I am producing, I drive myself manic from hours upon hours of creation—no rest for the wicked... or food or breaks either, apparently.

I've gotten quite lucky in that the past week, fortune favored both love & creativity for me :) Seldom do those things come in pairs (at least in my experience—if it's happened often for you, must be nice). Finding new loves and rediscovering old ones is... Gosh, it's amazing. A bit overwhelming, sure, but so unbelievably rewarding, 10/10 would recommend. And then there was my drama final.

Did I put it off to the last minute? Of course. Do I work best under extreme, unnecessary pressure? You betcha.

My Movement for Actors class presented all our finals last week. We were to take a portrait of our choosing, embody the character in the frame, and produce a two-minute movement piece based on it. Out of all the portraits in the world, I chose a self-portrait of my brother, Yan Diego, called Mirror & Me. It depicts a shirtless young man looking solemnly into a hand mirror, a cross necklace around his neck, his silhouette a horned figure. The thing is, as much as it was a portrait of himself, it was also a portrait of me. And everyone in my family who has struggled with inner demons.

Growing up in a traditional catholic community had many downfalls. One of the biggest things was the lack of support when it came to mental illness. Feeling as though the fabric from which you were made actively went against all your community's beliefs was a lonely thing to experience, especially as a young child. Feeling as though you were left with no choice but to hate yourself was... not pleasant in the least.

I have often found that my best works are a product of excruciating pain. Why would this be any different?

I decided to use Bon Iver's 715 CREEKS as my background. Somehow it perfectly encapsulated everything I wanted to portray in a single song. The peaks and valleys of violence and tenderness... The conflicting duality of beauty and pain... Loving and hating oneself all in one go. My dear friend Caellum first introduced me to that song. We "grew up" performing together so, in a way, I wanted to pay homage to him as well.

Then came the exploration of movement. I'm no professional and I certainly had no clue what I was doing, but I wanted whatever came from this project to be felt, like really truly felt by the audience. So into my reservoir of feels I dove. It was awkward at first. I didn't know how my body was supposed to move or what I was supposed to feel. I just kinda went with it. I told myself I had to film it soon before I chickened out.

I forced Linnea to be my accomplice and help me film the piece in the downstairs bathroom (look, we needed to use a big mirror, okay?) I was beyond embarrassed at first. It took me about thirteen tries to hype myself up before I could allow myself to perform in front of my best friend.

But I'd say it was worth it. Thanks to Linnea, it only took me two tries to show everything I possibly could have wanted on camera. And those two tries took just about every ounce of energy I had. I hadn't felt that pleased with anything I'd produced in months. It's sorta hard to explain. I felt relieved that it was over.

My audiences seemed to like it :)

It's wild how love and creativity came hand in hand this past week. I am so blessed to love and be loved by such wonderful, kind, brilliant, generous, witty, complex human beings. Some of those humans have floated in and out of my life and I could not be more thankful for them. I guess my point is: cherish new loves, cherish old loves, cherish the loves you never thought you'd love again. Strive to love unconditionally. Love unapologetically. Love loudly. Love boldly.

There is strength in vulnerability. There is there is there is.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya