Amalgamation

Sup.

I haven't been able to write for months. I mean, I've tried. But I never ended up finishing any of the posts I meant to write and so I've been left with an amalgamation of sorts. I thought I'd share them anyway.

..........

It's been exactly one month since I turned twenty and one month since I last saw all my Vassar friends. It's been a month since I had possessions that existed outside of a carry-on suitcase and a month since things started to go downhill.

It's hard to believe that a month ago, I was still convinced I'd be going back to school in two weeks' time; that I'd spend a week touring Chicago with my a cappella group; that I'd get to go back to my room and spend quality time with Jessica, with Charlotte & Leila; that I'd get to crash Evan's room so we could blow out our very late birthday candles; that I'd finally be able to go on a real date with the guy I was trying not to crush on for months.

..........

Heya.

It's late, I know. 

Bit nauseous, bit of a headache. Can't seem to sleep. Just one of those nights, I suppose. 

I'm in a mood I think. There were excellent parts to this week and parts I wish I could forget. My anxiety's been real bad.

..........

Hi friends <3

I meant to write something in the month of October but it seemed to have escaped me. The days dragged on, each one feeling longer than the last. A blur of nightmares, skipped meals, and incomplete assignments. My friends are gems, though. We're all just trying to make it through. Only three weeks til home.

Rip so I wrote that weeks ago

..........

I dunno what's wrong. I mean I should know what's wrong. I'm pretty sure I know what's wrong. I haven't taken my meds for a week. That would do it. It wasn't exactly on purpose. I dunno. Maybe it was. Maybe I'm self-sabotaging again. Maybe my brain doesn't want me to succeed. 

I'm in the middle of a Dungeons and Dragons game at the moment. Should I be paying attention? Probably. I'm trying to. I want to. I also can't shake the need to violently vomit. Withdrawals, probably. Oh, and the Big Sads. That, too.

Being home is hard. It's a lot. It's knocked me down lower than I thought it would. I can't wait to go back home. Real home. School. Where my friends will be. Where I want to be. 

I want to be okay. I want my brain to stop scrambling. I want to feel okay in my body. I don't want to hate being alive. 

I'm trying my best to feel like an interesting person. Like I can be good at things. Like I might have talents. Like I might not be mediocre. The company I keep is hard to beat. Not that there's anything to beat. I'm proud of them. I appreciate them. I love them for who they are. I'm just not them. Or anywhere near them. I want to like myself. 

I'm so tired all the time. My body hurts all the time. I think it thinks I'm fighting a bear every day. Or getting hit by a bus. Or battling the flu. My bones hurt. My muscles ache. My head throbs. My stomach churns. Why do mental poisons seep so deeply into our bodies?

..........

Hi there darlings.

I know the holiday season can be extremely difficult for some of us. It certainly is for me. Whatever your reason may be, I want to make sure you know you are loved and cherished and cared for, if not by anyone else, then by you. Be your own best supporter this holiday season (it's also a-okay to ask for help when you need it.)

..........

It was so bad. The screaming just never stopped. I just wanted to have a good Christmas. A good anything, really. Family isn't supposed to cause you this much pain. It isn't it isn't it isn't. Only a little more and then I'll be home home again. 

..........

We broke up. It was the right choice.

..........

A civil war? In this economy?

..........

HEY BITCHES!

Things have been kinda... good lately? Food has been more stable and fun (I get to cook a lot of it) and my brothers have been nice to me which is unheard of. My dad's about the same but we've binge-watched a lot of shows with my brothers like His Dark Materials and Peaky Blinders and Ink Master. It's been nice. My cats have each slept in my room more so, yaknow, maybe they love me after all. LINNEA ADOPTED A DOG! AND SHE'S NAMING HIM MONET! LIKE A BALLER! And he's going to be my little nephew I am so excited. I started knitting again (thanks to Jessica crocheting boob triangles) and I started collaging again (thanks to an identity crisis.) Oh also JESSICA FINALLY GOT HER ROOM ASSIGNMENT AND SHE'S JUST DOWN THE HALL FROM ME I AM SO BEYOND EXCITED TO SQUEEZE THAT WOMAN AGAIN! And also we finally watched The Warriors (her and her dad's fave movie to watch together, so I think I'm part of the family now.) I'm hella fucking nervous for school to start again because I still don't have my class schedule ahahaha but hopefully the imposter syndrome stops getting to me and I'll actually feel like I belong at Vassar. Oh, and I've made tiktoks? I dunno, man... I'm a new woman or whatever.

..........

Aaaaaand that concludes all the things I meant to write but never finished (minus the Thanksgiving and New Years' posts, those will have to wait.) I know it's not much but I guess you can at least see the progression of my different mental states or something? Wack. Anyway.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Things I Want to Tell My Younger Self

Hey, babe. Sit down, you're gonna wanna hear this:

• Stop picking at your face. I know it's tempting, but don't.

• Bad people don't care about whether or not they're a good person. The fact that you care speaks for itself.

• The voices will go away eventually. They'll be replaced by more loving thoughts like, "It's okay to feel so much. It means you are special."

• I know it's hard to believe, but school is not everything. Life goes on without it and your grades do not equate to your value. You are worth more than your grades.

• Oily skin will keep you looking younger longer ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

• You need to eat, kid. I know sometimes it feels like you don't deserve it or you didn't earn it, but you need it to stay alive. We need you alive.

• You are not too sensitive. You are you, and that is enough.

• You were always radiant, even when you didn't like yourself.

• Helping people is great, but it's not selfish to help yourself first. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

• Not everyone will like you. And that's okay. Don't waste time trying to make them.

• You don't owe anyone anything. Especially not your personhood.

• It was not your fault.

• No one is ever too old for stuffed animals.

• You do not need to put up with people who don't know your worth. Family included.

• Stop biting your cuticles, dummy. That's why they're always bleeding.

• Moisturize!!!

• Wear your goddamn retainers.

• You do not need to be a "lady" to be respected.

• Who gives a fuck if you shave or not? You choose.

• You do not have to fit into a box. Don't be something just because others expect you to be.

• Trust your first instinct. I mean it.

• Your boobs will grow, relax.

• You do not have to be stellar at something to enjoy it.

• Listen to music that makes you happy. Sad music is fine, but not all the time.

• Your body is not as weird as you think it is.

• Do not take opinions from people you wouldn't go to for advice.

• Your parents will let you down. It's okay. The world will go on, and you will learn to take care of yourself.

• Not making your bed isn't that big of a deal.

• Draw stick figures. Who cares.

• You are much stronger than you think.

• Not painting your nails doesn't make you any less girly.

• Being feminine is NOT a weakness.

• You don't always have to smile at people. Especially not when they tell you to.

• Camping is just as bad as you think it is. Don't do it lmao

• Save. Your. Money.

• Even if you're too tired to get out of bed, drink some water. You will have done something productive that day.

• Your laugh is a great one. Don't let it go to waste.

• Stop ignoring your leftovers!!!

• You absolutely CAN rock that haircut.

• Those who love you will not care whom you love.

• Some things just kinda suck. Let them suck and then move on.

• You are allowed to get angry. You have every right to be angry.

• Crying does not make you weak. It doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn't.

• Alcohol is gross. You're not missing out.

• Call him out on his bullshit. It's not okay.

• When all else fails, you've still got the moon and the stars rooting for you. Astrology isn't all made up ;)

Hasta la próxima,

Much love, nena xoxo

Maya <3 

On Love & Creativity

Creativity comes and goes in bits and pieces. Much like love.

Love does that, too.

Sometimes it pours into your life in torrents, other times it faintly trickles... Sometimes, it might even feel like it's not there at all (don't worry, it is—you just haven't quite found it yet).

Anyone who knows me or knows this blog understands that I am often at war with my artistic self. It's either never enough or too much. I'm too black and white; too all or nothing. It's a trait most of my family inherited. I'm constantly torn between GO GO GO and NO NO NO. I'm either rushing or dragging; soaring or crashing; exploding with material or run absolutely dry. It's exhausting to live your life in extremes.

Every few months I get stuck in a creative rut, where I feel like nothing nothing nothing I produce is worth paying any mind to. And typically, when the rut comes to an end, I am bursting with life and ideas and neverending thoughts that I must get down on paper before they disappear. The only issue with that, of course, is the expense of my health. When I'm not producing, I get down on myself for not being enough which in turn makes me depressed and zaps my productivity. When I am producing, I drive myself manic from hours upon hours of creation—no rest for the wicked... or food or breaks either, apparently.

I've gotten quite lucky in that the past week, fortune favored both love & creativity for me :) Seldom do those things come in pairs (at least in my experience—if it's happened often for you, must be nice). Finding new loves and rediscovering old ones is... Gosh, it's amazing. A bit overwhelming, sure, but so unbelievably rewarding, 10/10 would recommend. And then there was my drama final.

Did I put it off to the last minute? Of course. Do I work best under extreme, unnecessary pressure? You betcha.

My Movement for Actors class presented all our finals last week. We were to take a portrait of our choosing, embody the character in the frame, and produce a two-minute movement piece based on it. Out of all the portraits in the world, I chose a self-portrait of my brother, Yan Diego, called Mirror & Me. It depicts a shirtless young man looking solemnly into a hand mirror, a cross necklace around his neck, his silhouette a horned figure. The thing is, as much as it was a portrait of himself, it was also a portrait of me. And everyone in my family who has struggled with inner demons.

Growing up in a traditional catholic community had many downfalls. One of the biggest things was the lack of support when it came to mental illness. Feeling as though the fabric from which you were made actively went against all your community's beliefs was a lonely thing to experience, especially as a young child. Feeling as though you were left with no choice but to hate yourself was... not pleasant in the least.

I have often found that my best works are a product of excruciating pain. Why would this be any different?

I decided to use Bon Iver's 715 CREEKS as my background. Somehow it perfectly encapsulated everything I wanted to portray in a single song. The peaks and valleys of violence and tenderness... The conflicting duality of beauty and pain... Loving and hating oneself all in one go. My dear friend Caellum first introduced me to that song. We "grew up" performing together so, in a way, I wanted to pay homage to him as well.

Then came the exploration of movement. I'm no professional and I certainly had no clue what I was doing, but I wanted whatever came from this project to be felt, like really truly felt by the audience. So into my reservoir of feels I dove. It was awkward at first. I didn't know how my body was supposed to move or what I was supposed to feel. I just kinda went with it. I told myself I had to film it soon before I chickened out.

I forced Linnea to be my accomplice and help me film the piece in the downstairs bathroom (look, we needed to use a big mirror, okay?) I was beyond embarrassed at first. It took me about thirteen tries to hype myself up before I could allow myself to perform in front of my best friend.

But I'd say it was worth it. Thanks to Linnea, it only took me two tries to show everything I possibly could have wanted on camera. And those two tries took just about every ounce of energy I had. I hadn't felt that pleased with anything I'd produced in months. It's sorta hard to explain. I felt relieved that it was over.

My audiences seemed to like it :)

It's wild how love and creativity came hand in hand this past week. I am so blessed to love and be loved by such wonderful, kind, brilliant, generous, witty, complex human beings. Some of those humans have floated in and out of my life and I could not be more thankful for them. I guess my point is: cherish new loves, cherish old loves, cherish the loves you never thought you'd love again. Strive to love unconditionally. Love unapologetically. Love loudly. Love boldly.

There is strength in vulnerability. There is there is there is.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Love in the Time of Corona

I don't know what I'm trying to write.

Nothing I could ever write would heal this kind of hurt. And yet here I am trying to make some sense of it all. Or maybe not make sense of it, just... I dunno. Throw my thoughts into the void.

Everything has happened so fast. Two weeks ago, we all happily left for spring break without a care in the world. Some of us came prepared for the worst, others did not. I have attempted to take every step with grace, but have not been so successful. First, the rumors. Then memes, warnings, emails followed. News headlines flashing COVID-19, Coronavirus, Global Pandemic. It just doesn't go away. Hasn't gone away. Week two in self-quarantine trying to keep clean, trying to keep sane, trying to make the aches of missing you all go away.

I think I told myself to write this as an attempt to journal my way through the outbreak. People kept journals during the World Wars, during the Great Depression, during the Spanish Influenza—why should this be any different? Our world is at war with a virus we don't yet know how to beat. It's perhaps our scariest enemy yet. And while I don't think it productive to fall into a complete state of panic, people need to do better. Wash your hands. Stay home. Practice social distancing. Remain six feet apart. Don't hoard supplies. Be a decent fucking human being. We are all hurting. We are all scared. At least be kind.

Things are scary right now. They are. Between trying to navigate the transition to online classes, to figuring out where I was gonna live, to making sure my parents were safe, to scrubbing my hands raw, to battling with loneliness in isolation, to wondering what I'm gonna do when my medication runs out, to attempting to function at all like a regular human being... It just... It's a lot. I've been fortunate enough to be able to stay with Linnea's family in MA for the time being. YD is doing the same with a friend from RISD. Javi and Mami are stuck in the DR apartment. My dad is in VT working the frontlines every day as a retail employee at a pharmacy. Talk about modern-day soldiers.

There has been so much uncertainty and so much distress on all fronts. So much is out of our control. I've tried focusing on the little tiny baby things I do have control over (like eating and sleeping, showering and brushing my teeth, going for a walk or at least looking out the window) and yet I still can't seem to do them all enough. Evan's been pushing me to stay on top of it. Linnea's been trying to keep me sane. Vassar students everywhere are scrambling—for their belongings, their GPAs, their friends, their canceled graduations. Professors and administration can barely keep up with the ever-changing news. Entire states are being shut down left and right. Outside feels like a ghost town. Still, the only way out is through.

When things are scary and frightening and uneasy and unknown, I find it comforting to revel in the small things. Like raspberry jam on toast. And crossword puzzles. A weighted blanket for bed. Hamster feet. Hugs of every kind. Facetime. Fun-filled pasta. Rediscovering club penguin. Cooking dinner together. Puppy licks. Disney movies. Children's books. A hot shower. Solitude at 3am. Plants that continue to grow despite it all. I am so lucky to be cared for and healthy and safe. Not everyone can say the same.

Please be kind to yourselves and each other. The world has needed tenderness for some time now. Give it to her.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya 

A Peek Inside the Good & the Bad

Dearest friends,

Just a peer inside at what it looks like to text me while I'm in crisis *insert upside-down smiley face* Many thanks to Evan and Linnea (who I owe my life to twelve times over). Also if you are easily triggered by a distressing stream of texts, you probably shouldn't read this right now. I mainly jotted this down for my own healing. Please take care of yourselves in these unstable times.

...

Hey
Um
So
V strongly dissociating rn
I'm okay
And safe
But I'm trying not to throw up and I feel like an alien
A close family friend of mine just passed away this morning in DR from COVID-19
I just found out like twenty minutes ago
I'm not physically able to cry
That's all
I'm sorry
...
Evan I wanna throw up
Sorry
That's gross
...
I wish you were here
...
It's like stuck
I mean
There's nothing to throw up
Linnea made me breakfast and I couldn't eat it
I had like half a slice of an English muffin
I'm so nauseous
...
Also I have this nagging feeling that I'm disappointing you
...
No but like
I
It's dumb
I know it is
But I can't
I can't shake the feeling
Fuck I'm sorry
...
I mean the food thing, and the sleep thing, and the general taking care of myself thing I just like
Wanna be better automatically
...
I know but I feel like my baby steps aren't fast enough and you and other people will be disappointed
And like it's embarrassing that I'm not better at it already
Cuz I am an adult and I should know how to do these things
...
I feel like there's a rock in my throat
...
I want you to be here so we can blow out our birthday candles
...
I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay
...
I'm trying
It feels like there's
Like there's
Um
Ropes?
...
Ropes on my ribs
It's too slow
It's going too slow
...
Breathing
Heart rate
It's slow
I'm gonna die if it's too slow
...
I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay
My ribs feel on fire
...
Gross
...
I'm sure your grandkids will think it's funny tho and call you a gorilla
Or a monkey man
Tarzan
...
Fuck what do sharp chest pains mean
...
Cool
...
Cool cool cool
...
My ribs won't expand all the way
Why is this scary
I'm sorry
...
Am I making all of this up
Wait
I
...
It feels like
Like
Like I'm not me
Like I'm someone else
This is all happening to someone else
...
I talk to her tomorrow
...
Mhmm
...
But I'm okay
...
I'm just
Sleepy probably
...
Mhmm
...
What do I tell my professor?
I mean I don't really care honestly
...
It's
...
I feel drunkish
Like I'm okay
Just
Woozy
...
Barbara
...
Uh huh
Yeah
...
Weird sentences one after the other but I love you too
Like lots
...
False
But thank you
...
Rude
I love you a lot
I'm so sorry I'm so mean to you all the time
I never mean it
You're my best person
You're a good person
That
I'm
Tired
Barbara then sleep maybe
I'm sorry
...
Do you hate me?
...
Thanks cool
You're a good Watson.

...

To all my friends who have ever helped me through a crisis—I cannot thank you enough. You have saved my life more times than I can count. I love you I love you I love you <3

To Jenny, who spiced up the world with her kindness, her bravery, her art—Ya te extraño.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Come See How The World Could Be Pt. 1

Hello, my dears. I began writing this the night of April 24th, but as you know, life gets the better of me sometimes. Anyhow, here's a post I've been meaning to share for quite some time now. Enjoy <3

*contains Hadestown spoilers*

*for real, if you haven't seen it yet do not read this*

*seriously, turn the fuck around and read something else*

*kay, whatever dude, you've been warned*

April 24, 2019. 7:30pm. Walter Kerr Theatre.

My dad and I knew what the story was about. I mean, we'd listened to the entire soundtrack on Spotify already and both knew how it ended. At least I did, anyway—my dad doesn't always connect the dots.

When he first asked me which show we should watch as our joint birthday present, Hadestown was honestly a plan B. I'd never seen Wicked before (I know, I'm a musical theatre abomination) so naturally, I pushed for that one first. Of course, as many things turn out to be, it was too expensive. I had to come up with a new plan. I knew my friend Claire had raved about Hadestown (thank you Claire) and even though I had had the soundtrack on loop for six months, it didn't occur to me I could actually go see it. The Broadway debut wasn't even scheduled until late April. But the universe was aligned and tickets were reasonable and so we decided to go.

The usual crowd of theatre-goers was there: elderly retired couples who need a way to spend their time; crazed NYU musical theatre majors who obnoxiously know every single detail about every single cast member's life, not to mention are singing the songs at the top of their lungs before the show has even started; elites looking to be noticed at a new and trendy social gathering; mothers with daughters and husbands with wives; and then people like us, who seldom get the privilege to watch a masterpiece unfold.

We piled into the theatre like a swarm of bees. My dad and I made our way up the steps to the mezzanine but the second my eyes landed on the stage, I couldn't move. Dramatic, I know, but true. A vastly bare stage save for a couple of barstools, tables, and upturned chairs. There was no sign of a pit, so I assumed the orchestra would be onstage. A jukebox in the corner. A spiral staircase. Exits. The whole space had a presence about it. Like we were about to watch something important. Like we were gonna watch something that mattered.

Everything the eye could see was earth-toned. Browns, tans, greens, blacks, reds. By the time we took our seats, it felt like a lifetime had passed. And it would take a whole other lifetime for the show to begin. Patience is not a virtue I always possess.

Finally, people started spilling onto the stage. One by one, they greeted the audience with a smile and a wave before setting up their first position. Naturally, the audience began to clap and cheer, eager for the performance to begin. As I had predicted, the orchestra sat on the far sides of the stage, acting almost as pub-goers and setting a more natural, intimate tone. Our beloved narrator, old man André De Shields playing Hermes, stalked across the stage, meeting each cast member with a meaningful gaze or a firm handshake—almost as if he were welcoming them into battle. It was a somber sort of thing.

Dressed in all sparkling silver, he addresses his crew "'Aight?" They respond, "'Aight."

Cue the blaring trumpet, tooting the first few notes of "Road to Hell." Instantly we are captured by the cast's innate ability to be connected to one another and the audience. We take Hermes's word as given—no one questions him or his glorious sass in storytelling. He introduces us to our players: the Fates, Hermes (God of Travelers), Persephone (Our Lady of the Underground), Hades (God of the Underworld), the Greek Chorus, the Orchestra, and finally our young lovers, poor boy Orpheus and hungry Eurydice.

And then Eva Noblezada (Eurydice) opens her mouth to sing, and the rest of the world is lost to me. "Any Way the Wind Blows" began and my whole body covered itself in goosebumps. Hearing the sinister plucking of violin strings, watching as the Fates took on the form of the Winds, watching Eurydice pack her few things hurriedly, it was like I was in it with them. Call me crazy, but I could feel the winds changing as it happened.

And then she meets Orpheus.

"Come Home with Me?" he asks.

He tells her of the song he's working on, how when it's finished, spring will come again. And then he'll make her his wife. He kneels and presents her with a red flower. Reeve Carney (Orpheus) does this with such a delicateness and vulnerability, you can't help but root for him. From the very beginning.

Eurydice agrees but won't give in without a fight. "Wedding Song" is charged with playfulness and sexual tension and I swear to the gods, the bisexual in me would KILL to marry both Orpheus and Eurydice every time I hear it. They tease each other, they circle each other, they giggle with an innocence only found in first loves.

And so Orpheus sings "Epic I", where he explains the ancient love story of Hades and Persephone. When he sings, it's as if time stands still. Like you're stuck in the most delicious jar of honey and can't get out (not that you'd want to).

But as soon as it happens, the moment is gone, and we're on to the next song.

Bam! Spotlight on a drunken Persephone (played by the brilliant Amber Grey) as she struts down the spiral staircase into Summer. In "Livin' it Up on Top" everyone and everything comes back to life. Everyone onstage springs into dance and laughter, which is such a contrast to the way things felt before. To my absolute delight, there's a Latin-feel dance break where they jam like there's no tomorrow and let me tell you—when a theatre vibrates with Latin jams, you'd have to be crazy not to enjoy it.

When it's time for Orpheus to give his toast, he says: "To the world we dream about. And, the one we live in now." Granted, I know this line is coming. I always know it is. How could I not? I've listened to the soundtrack for months, and yet it gets me every time. May we always seek a better tomorrow, but let us not forget the wondrous present and the miracles that can be achieved in it.

And then we get to remember how earth-shattering it is to fall in love. Orpheus and Eurydice fall into it right before our eyes. In "All I've Ever Known" Eurydice struggles against love, against falling, because she's only ever known struggle and hurt and heartache. The fear of falling in love is brought to life in a very real, tangible way. The two lovers end up promising the world to one another, unaware of the storms yet to come.

"Way Down Hadestown" finally introduces us to the king of the underworld, Hades (played by a domineering Patrick Page), who's come to pick up his wife Persephone. He's early, once again, but who could blame him? He missed her. With the collection of Persephone comes the changing of the seasons, and no one is ready for that. It's too early. It isn't time. But Hades waits for no one, so off they go.

Orpheus leaves to finish writing his song, the song that will bring back the spring, but he leaves Eurydice all alone to fend for herself in the wind. "A Gathering Storm" comes to twist a knife in their wounds, leaving Eurydice desperate and lost. Meanwhile, Orpheus attempts to write.

"Epic II"

The grounds open up and we descend into the burning depths of hell. Suddenly, we see coal miners drenched in sweat, muscles twisting tautly under their skin, dirt smeared across their faces, a dead look in their eyes—all indicators we've arrived in Hadestown. Just to further the doom and gloom, the Greek Chorus engage in a "Chant", and Persephone isn't all too pleased with her husband's new shiny kingdom. They circle one another like birds of prey, eager to feast on the other and tear them apart. All this time, Eurydice finds herself losing her battle against the cold, against the wind. She calls for Orpheus but Orpheus doesn't come. He's got to finish the song. A steady feeling of urgency weighs in on the audience. We know something's about to happen—and not something good.

Of course, Hades swoops in to lure Eurydice to Hadestown, offering her a deal she could never turn down. "Hey, Little Songbird" is a delicate dance wherein Hades acts as the serpent tempting Eve, in this case, Eurydice. He offers her food and shelter and a "soft place to land". The hungry young girl, desperate as she was, couldn't refuse.

After accepting her ticket to the Underworld, the Fates slink in like slippery black cats come to watch a show. Each moves just as gracefully, just as elegantly as the next, each voice just as velvety thick as the last. "When the Chips are Down" serves as a narrative of what happens to people when times get tough—what do you become when you've lost everything you have? What do you become when you've got nothing else to lose? What do you become when there's nothing left?

Resigning herself to fate, Eurydice sings "Gone, I'm Gone" as a final goodbye to Orpheus, who has yet to know what will become of her. Completely oblivious to what's just happened, Orpheus goes looking for her, only to find out she's gone.

Thus begins the song that from the moment I first heard it, moved my whole body to gutwrenching tears: "Wait For Me."

Hermes reveals that there's another way to get to Hadestown, a way that doesn't require a train ticket. Orpheus, desperate to see his love agrees to do whatever it takes. Turns out whatever it takes leads to quite a dangerous road. And this is why theatre became my very first love: the complete magic one can create just by adjusting a few lights, the journey you can take someone on with a simple melody, the transformation that occurs when you find yourself in a character's shoes, the amount of empathy you can have for someone who isn't even real... It's wild to me. It's magical. It's the best thing to ever exist. And every single one of those things is captured in Wait For Me.

I knew this song was coming up. Papi knew it too. And yet I still found myself utterly unprepared. Nothing can prepare you for the first time Orpheus utters those words with complete anguish and desperation. Nothing can prepare you for the feelings of loss and loneliness and despair and hurt and anger and hopelessness and fear that come attached to this song. Maybe it's 'cuz I'm an empath, maybe it's 'cuz I feel things far too deeply, but Wait For Me strangles my heart every single time.

I remember that was the first full pause the director decided to make. The end of Wait For Me had everyone in the audience gripping the edges of their seats. Me, on the other hand, it had me choking back strangled sobs and shaking as I clung desperately to my dad's coat, letting the tears run freely down my cheeks, down my chin, staining my shirt as they fell. I didn't care. I had never felt a work of art so deeply before. I didn't know what to do with myself. Truly. It took well into the next song for me to stop hiccuping and sniffling. Just... there are no words. Nothing I say could ever do that moment justice. It was the most magical moment I've felt in theatre in my life, and that is saying something.

Then came a song that hit just as hard but in a completely different way: "Why We Build the Wall."

Literally nothing could be more relevant in the USA than that right now. It sheds light on the twisted power dynamic between Hades and his workers, it shows him as a benevolent father figure just looking out for his children when in reality he is manipulating their thoughts and creating fears and threats that aren't there. Pointing to an enemy that isn't there. At this point, Persephone dresses in all black, no longer the fun-loving goddess she was before. She knows what Hades is doing is wrong, but she's too far drowned in alcohol and sadness to do anything about it.

Eurydice is last seen following Hades up the steps to his office, ready to sign her life away to a life of constant toil in exchange for basic human needs. Persephone copes the only way she knows how: "Anybody want a drink?"

Blackout.

Act I really left us with nowhere to hide. It asks that we come with our hearts on our sleeve, open hearts, open minds. It served theme after relevant theme—the notion that poverty can drive people to do things they never would've imagined, the idea that poverty and the poor are the enemy and we are to keep ourselves as far away from that as possible even if it means building a wall, what happens to us when we're so blinded by love that we forget to do the things necessary to keep us alive, the distances true love will take us when we work hard enough. I sincerely cannot explain how much this musical has affected my life, and this is only a recap of Act I! We haven't even gotten to Act II yet.

If you've made it this far and you still haven't seen it live, I strongly encourage you to as long as you come emotionally prepared to suffer quite a bit. Like I said, never have I ever been so moved by a work of art so strongly as this before. I mean it I mean it I mean it.

I'm sorry this has already gotten obnoxiously long, I just tend to stretch things out when I care about them. In this case, I care a lot lot lot. And you should too. Los quiero!

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Time Capsule

Hello hi all.

I was attempting to write an actual blogpost for this (and I promise it is coming... eventually) but realized it is far too late and I am way too under-caffeinated so I'm resorting to slightly-very-cringey-at-best post. In short, I dug up some old writing pieces from twelve year old Maya, as in, weirdly religious, uncontrollably emo yet optimistic, using words I didn't really know the meaning of Maya. Sure she had some insight about quite adult-y things back then but she also very well may have been tripping off lack of melatonin production.

(Just for reference, most of these were written the summer I was away at Phillips Andover for weird artsy prep-school summer camp. Hence the odd prompts and shit. Carry on.)

Anyway. Here goes.

..........

"We carry around our own exits"

         We are the ones who decide how we finish. We make the best out of life, out of our opportunities, and how we decide to behave is what is going to be remembered. We make our own marks on this earth. I believe that we should all try our best, even when we fail; at least we worked hard enough to say that we put effort into whatever we did. From the day we are born, we carry around our ending, and we just have to find it. Our purpose of living isn't just trying to find our end, but enjoying the journey along the way. We are born, and we travel this long journey that leads us closer and closer to our end, but sometimes we just need to be reminded that it will all be worthwhile if we make it that way."We carry around our own exits,"... Yeah, that sounds about right.

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

For whom do we express ourselves if not for ourselves?

   I usually ask myself the same question whenever I am about to make a decision: “Am I truly doing this for me, or am I trying to act like someone other than myself?”

   My parents have raised me to be my own person; they said it was okay to think and act differently, so long as I made smart choices.

   I always try my best to be confident in my own choices of thought and my own choices of action. I try my best not to let anyone tell me how I should live my life, or express myself.

   Everyone has their own moments of insecurity, when they try to be someone they’re not, or otherwise, they are pressured to. Of course, I’ve experienced those times when I just tried to fit in, where I’ve acted a little differently for the sake of people liking me, but I’m trying really hard to break that habit little by little.

   In conclusion, I am successfully trying harder every day to let loose and just be myself, no matter what people say. I am who I am; I was born that way.

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

...Last Glances...

Have you ever felt the urge to look at that person one last time, but you didn’t, and that one decision haunted you the rest of your life? Well, that disgusting feeling has touched me more than once, and it’s scary to move on and look ahead when I think about it. You’re unsure; you feel cheated, that it might’ve been necessary to take a last glance, but your foolish mind blindly ignored your first instinct.

   First deaths always hurt the most. Especially when you knew that person. Especially when you were close to that person. And then you try convincing your brain that it’s not true, and your whole body goes in denial. Then it starts going numb, and when you’re numb, you’re not supposed to feel the pain, but it hurts more than it ever has before. And you try hiding it, and you try getting over it, and you try to remember his face, and you try to remember the last time he smiled at you… Then it all seems real and it all feels gone, like all those moments spent with him were wasted, and then you feel guilty for not looking one last time, just so you could remember those smiling eyes, and messy, black hair, and goofy laugh. Just one last time… And then the feeling clings to you forever.  

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

Where I’m going...

   Where I’m going, it’s full of hills; grasslands cover all that is seen. Hills over hills, meadows over meadows; it all seems pretty endless. At dawn, the sky is a pale pink; rays of purple and orange seem to burst from the heavens, kissing the soft earth on the horizon. Sheep start to graze lazily as the big, bright sun illuminates the land around them. There, I can run free, not a care in the world, just wandering and admiring God’s creation. At noon, I’ll retreat to the nearby woods, dreaming underneath its shadows. I’ll speak with the squirrels, sing with the birds, care for the deer, and keep the trees company. Where I’m going, the dawn simply lulls into dusk, and the days seem blissfully endless. There’s no need for sleep, for my sleeping days will be over, so I’ll take my time and wander. A young fawn will keep me company as I count the stars in the sky, telling the youngling stories of my adventurous days. The fawn will go to sleep and the night owl will whisper its call, and I know it’s time to wake up. Though now, it’s a dream, I know I will get there; someday, I promise I will. My days will pass by, but it’ll all be worth it, for in the end, I’ll have eternal peace.

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

“The self is made manifest in the opposites and in the conflict between them. It is a coincidentia oppositorum (coincidence of opposites). Hence, the way to the self begins with conflict.”

-Carl Jung

What I interpret from this passage is that we create ourselves and improve ourselves through conflict. As crazy as that sounds, it is usually true in lots of cases, where the argument between two opposites brings them together. We see that mostly in family relationships. The conflict, when confronted, can clear out just what was needed to be said. This would explain coincidentia oppositorum.

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

Grieving and Regrets

Cemeteries are full of memory and regret.

The headstones engraved with meaningless words;

The empty silence that reminds me of my loss;

The battered land that be crossed again and again.

Survivor’s guilt burns to the surface of my skin,

As I sit and rue for hours on end;

Hearing the humming songs in my head,

Swallowing my tears, for he’s not dead.

I turn around and almost swear that it’s him;

At least, I wish, oh! I wish it were him.

But it’s my old,

Sad shadow there, instead.

I faintly hear whispering words,

Hurtful words; Painful words.

I wish I could sew down my ears,

To save myself from this raging guilt.

Getting ready to leave is the hardest part;

Sometimes I wish I were dead so

I didn’t have to leave him.

Cemeteries are full of memory and regret.

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

“A necessary end...” -Saltillo

   I race along the path of unknown as I swerve through the towering trees that try to manipulate me ~

I don’t let them. I cross many rivers, past mountains, past forests, hearing the echoes of the eery tree nymphs. I am running away, but I’m not sure from what. As I run into the unknown, horrifying memories of my past flash through my eyes. The intimidating trees offer no comfort as I weep. Proceeding along the path, I get distracted by the luring, angelic voices of the nymphs. I turn every corner, but there is no escape. The white voices surge through my brain. Full of frustration, I bound my way back through the remaining obstacles. The trees are clearing and the voices, fading. At last, I have reached the end of the path, and gratefully, I welcome my end.

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those

who could not hear the music." 

-- Friedrich Nietzsche 

  And those who were classified as “different” were bullied by those who envied such personalities. And those who sang and spoke “to themselves” were thought to be mentally insane by those who could not hear the spirits. And those who loved with a love unlike any other were threatened and called “gay”. 

  This particular quote makes me reflect on many things, and think about many relating situations. This particular statement makes us question the society we live in. Is it truly that bad to be our own person? Why are we questioned about our own choices that we make in our own lives? I strongly believe that we are who we are, and no one is in a place to judge. 

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

Threshold- Joseph Campbell

  If I had been moved a moment too late, my life wouldn’t be as it is now; I would feel like my life was pointless ~ no purpose to my living.

   I was a mere nine years old when I was touched by a song, a song that would be the beginning of a whole new way of thinking. The speaker was a seven year old girl, who had recently had visions of the upcoming World War II; her innocence completely shattered. The tears that rolled down my cheeks by the end of the song were caused by the powerfulness of the words; the great emotion from the lyrics. I was quite naive at the time and didn’t understand war very much, but after hearing the song ~ interpreting it ~ I was changed.

    ...children...hurting...crying...needing...begging for someone to reach out and save them!

   All I could do was weep for those children who never got the chance to be kids; who were born into a world of conflict and danger. I had become extremely sensitive to war topics after that. Barely two years later, I had to read a book for school called: The Hiding Place. It was a personal experience about the Holocaust. I read that book page through page; I felt the fear and terror build up inside of me ~ and then I found what was missing in my mind: the amazing power of faith in God. 

   As long as the author and her family prayed to God for the forgiveness of “those poor men (soldiers who tortured them) who don’t know what they’re doing”, her family was always saved from the frightful beatings to come. This book literally changed my life. I am grateful for absolutely everything I am given and my life feels like it has a purpose now, even if I don’t know what it is yet, but God made me for a reason, and I’m sure I’ll find out someday.

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

Holy fucking shit, that was a trip and a half. I hope that wasn't nearly as uncomfortable for you as it was for me. Seriously, why was I obsessed with aligning in mismatched formats??? for like? paragraphs???? Who knows. None of us may ever know.

I hope your day/night/hibernation is going splendidly! I love and miss you all.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya 

Troubles

Hi there. It's getting quite late and I haven't managed to fall asleep yet.

Part of it is because I've been distracting myself by watching wedding vlogs. Wedding vlogs make me immensely happy. I need the distracting because if I lie awake too long tossing and turning, I'll remember how hungry I am. And I just cannot afford to be hungry right now. I had dinner already and that is that.

It's frustrating even to write this. I dunno. The past week, I've had 1 1/2 meals each day. There's only so much food left in the house and my dad and I have to make it stretch, so I really can't be pigging out on snacks any time I get bored. I know how I get when I get hungry, so I've avoided feeling it as often as I can. A good way to do this is by falling asleep, because when you're asleep, you can't know or feel how hungry you are, thus, a good two more meals are saved.

Needless to say, I spent a good portion of this week sleeping. And filling out financial aid forms for college. And sleeping. And washing dishes to pass the time. And sleeping.

My dad's been extra busy helping Javi out with his boarding school applications so he hasn't really had a lot of time to focus on me, or himself for that matter. And I mean, it'll be over soon, I guess, what with deadlines and due dates coming up. Anyway.

It's never a good feeling to know the person you depend on is not doing too hot. This I know because financial aid forms are very nosy and I was required to ask my dad some invasive questions. Living with a parent who struggles with mental illness is difficult. He knows this. He knows that I know this. And just like anyone with a mental illness (myself included) he has his good days and his bad days. I feel like my job is to make sure there are more good days than bad. 

My dad is pretty high functioning, all things considered. Just not when it comes to your basic everyday things like making his bed and doing the dishes and taking out the trash and getting us food.

Very few times in my life have I opened the fridge door just as my stomach gurgled, only to find it completely empty (and this is just a testament to my privilege, I am thankful I have experienced this only a very few times). All that was left inside was our water pitcher and an empty jar of mayo. Deciding I needed to eat soon lest I crave the early onset of a migraine, I scoured the cupboards for anything left since my brothers departed after the holidays. In this search, I found a can of tuna, a can of corn, some rice and some soup. I laid all the items out on the counter so my dad could see, strongly hinting that we needed to go grocery shopping ASAP.

Very few times in my life have I also needed to ransack my house for spare change, just to go get food. I looked at my dad, handing over the four bucks and eighty-six cents I searched all over my room for. That left us with a total of $26.86 to go shopping with. Something was something.

Again, writing this is infuriating. Because with every word I write, I feel like a privileged fucking hog who grew up in a white castle with unicorns and rainbows and butterflies. And maybe I did. That's not to say I wasn't aware of poverty—growing up in the Dominican Republic couldn't shelter you from that. But I lived a comfortable fucking life. And god bless me for that. I thank my lucky stars I was born into a nice enough family whose sole priority was our education and that we were loved. I am so lucky.

What I can say is nothing, absolutely nothing in this world can prepare you for when that rug gets tugged right out from under your feet. Sure, you think you'd know what to do if you were in a similar situation but until it happens to you, holy shit dude, you have no fucking idea.

And so I convinced my dad to go grocery shopping with the last of our cash. Because we needed to. So we got milk and eggs and bread and some other things I forget, knowing that we probably won't go shopping for another long while. That is, unless he reaches out to my mom for support.

Having divorced parents who are weird about money really fucking sucks.

This is all just a long-winded bitching rant to say that it's almost 2am on a Monday morning and I'm the kind of hungry where your stomach feels like it's eating itself and might kill you.

This wasn't meant to worry you all. Or, I dunno. You can think what you like. This is just how my life is going right now and you can think of it what you will.

We're gonna be fine, things are just shitty right now. It's okay.

I love you guys very much and sincerely hope you are doing well.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Year 18, Still Breathin'

Wow okay so 2k18 wasn't at all what it was cracked up to be but hey! There's always next year.

1. What did you do in 2018 that you'd never done before?

Oh goodness, let's see... Well, I voted for the first time so that was pretty sweet! I also may have made some poor life choices and got high with the big bro and dissociated for the first time and had my first real paying job and got my first ever state ID and lost my virginity and got hospitalized and bought my first toy (lol) and paid my own bills and scheduled my own doctor's appointments so like adulting yay that's cool.

2. Did you keep your New Years Resolutions and will you make more for next year?

I didn't make any resolutions that I can recall. I do remember saying I hoped 2018 was my year and even though on the surface it may very well have been an absolute disaster, it has taught me more lessons than I can possibly count. For 2019, I'm just striving for absolute self compassion, no questions asked.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Hmmm... no, BUT Yan Diego officially became the godfather of this teeny tiny black cat, Luna, and she is such a demonic treasure :)

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My one and only beautiful Titi Dorianny who lives in our hearts and in our smiles forever.

5. What countries did you visit?

The usual: DR & US. I'm not exciting.

6. What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018?

Oh gosh, stability for once in my life. Emotional, financial, physical, all of it. Or even just one of the three. I want something to go right for me in 2019. I've waited long enough and I sure as heck deserve it.

7. What dates from 2018 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

January 1st. First time.
January 22nd. Move to RI.
February 16th. The Little Mermaid.
March 6th. Finally legal.
March 11th. Winter photoshoot.
March 20th. Mami's book launch, DR.
April 21st. Hospitalization.
May 27th. Babies' graduation!
May 28th. First day of work.
August 2nd. Mami's book launch, NY.
August 3rd. Waitress.
August 4th. Anastasia.
August 16th. Second heartbreak.
August 23rd. Book of Mormon.
August 30th. Te quiero, Titi <3
September 10th. Officially settled in NY.
October 17th. Aidan <3
October 19th. A Star is Born.
October 31st. Halloween in VT.
November 6th. First vote!!!
November 11th. Fall photoshoot.
November 15th. SNOW.
November 19th. MacBook Pro.
November 24th. Bohemian Rhapsody.
December 11th. Officially together!
December 13th. First "I love you"

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Learning to love myself and to let go. Still a work in progress.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Failure is a strong word. It would be a little harsh to peg the word failure on someone when we're all just trying our best, but I guess I let myself sink all the way down this year. Farther into the void than I've ever gone before and it was scary as heck, let me tell you.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yes. I was briefly hospitalized in April for extreme panic disorder and suicidal thoughts. I also had a short but torturous bout of vertigo around midsummer. 10/10 would not recommend.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Hmmm... well back when I was making mula, I'd splurge on myself every now and again which was pretty heckin' fun and most of it consisted of unnecessary thrift store items or random beauty products. However, I was the most excited when I bought my first denim jacket. What can I say? I have my priorities.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

It may come as no surprise to you but my loves Linnea, Lauryn, Kelila, and Evan seriously pulled through. I mean those four got me through some of the toughest most excruciating times of my life, I owe them just about everything. Another pleasant surprise was seeing Tia Susan and Ali team up to be my personal champions and I just love them both beyond words.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?

I have a select few I could mention but the world never got any better by spreading hate.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Oh jesus, most of you won't want to know this but it's freaking true so I might as well say it: Calvin Klein underwear. Like stashes and stashes of them. It's teetering on obsessive, honestly.

15. What did you get really, really excited about?

Seeing a Broadway show for the first time in years. Any time I got to spend with my friends. Every trip to the Martins' home. Burritos. Cats. Movies.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2018?

God is a Woman by Ariana Grande
IDGAF by Dua Lipa
I Like It by Cardi B
breathin' by Ariana Grande
Radio Ga Ga by Queen
Just a Stranger by Kali Uchis ft. Steve Lacy
Bad Liar by Selena Gomez
Spice Girl by Aminé
No Tears Left to Cry by Ariana Grande
bellyache by Billie Eilish
Joanne by Lady Gaga
Mo Bamba by Sheck Wes
Feel It Still by Portugal the Man
Bodak Yellow by Cardi B
Shallow by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper
Moonlight by XXXTENTACION
La Cintura by Alvaro Soler
Rewrite the Stars by Zac Efron and Zendaya
lovely by Billie Eilish ft. Khalid
Sober by Demi Lovato
BLACKJACK by Aminé
Don't Stop Me Now by Queen
In my Feelings by Drake
Sweet Creature by Harry Styles
King Kunta by Kendrick Lamar
REEL IT IN by Aminé
idontwannabeyouanymore by Billie Eilish
In My Blood by Shawn Mendes
I Love It by Kanye West ft. Lil Pump
Sorry not Sorry by Demi Lovato
1998 TRUMAN by BROCKHAMPTON
All the Stars by Kendrick Lamar ft. SZA
you should see me in a crown by Billie Eilish
Havana by Camila Cabello
Yikes by Kanye West
Uproar by Lil Wayne ft. Swizz Beatz
ICY GRL by Saweetie
Nice for What by Drake
Movement by Hozier
Lost In Japan by Shawn Mendes
Look At Me! by XXXTENTACION
Girls Like You by Maroon 5 ft. Cardi B
Youngblood by 5 Seconds of Summer
Sweet but Psycho by Ava Max
REDMERCEDES by Aminé
Caroline by Aminé
Taki Taki by DJ Snake, Selena Gomez, Ozuna & Cardi B
thank u, next by Ariana Grande
JELLO by BROCKHAMPTON
I Ain't Got Time! by Tyler, The Creator
Greedy by Ariana Grande
Hair Too Long by The Vamps
Icon by Jaden Smith
NO EXCUSES by Meghan Trainor
Money by Cardi B
Who Dat Boy by Tyler, The Creator & A$AP Rocky

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

(a) I can't believe I'm even saying this but happier. So much happier.
(b) I can't believe this either but thinner... I lost ten pounds XD
(c) Wowowow I have never been more penniless in my life and yet I'm makin' it work somehow.

18. What do you wish you had done more of?

Art. Part of me feels like I wasted a whole good nine months but then again, I had lots of healing to do and the healing isn't over yet. I'm doing the best that I can.

19. What do you wish you had done less of?

Ew crying. Ohmygod, if I had a dollar for every second I spent crying this year, I'd be a fucking trillionaire. Not that crying isn't good for you or a healthy coping mechanism but when you've got anything in excess, it's not so bueno.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Quietly in NY with my dad and the bros.

21. Did you fall in love in 2018?

Oh yes, absolutely.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Bisshhhhhhh I thought you'd never ask :)

Say Yes to the Dress
Grace & Frankie
Downton Abbey
King of the Hill
This is Us
Community
The Good Place
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
The Great British Baking Show
The Fosters (it finally ended and I think I might die)

23. Do you hate someone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Hate is a very strong word. Again, a select few come to mind but spreading hate is bad karma so...

24. What was the best book you read?

Heck dudes, I'm bummed I didn't read as much as last year but I still managed to sneak some reading in here and there.

Paperweight by Meg Haston
When in doubt, add butter by Beth Harbison
The Beginning of Everything by Robin Schneider

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Hadestown: The Myth. The Musical. (thank you Claire for blessing my whole life with this)

26. What did you want and get?

Affection. To see my family.

27. What did you want and not get?

Security. Safety. Stability.

28. What was your favorite film of the year?

As always, there is never one single answer:

A Star is Born
Bohemian Rhapsody
Crazy Rich Asians
Black Panther
Dumplin'
To All The Boys I've Loved Before
Set It Up

I've yet to see:

Love, Simon
The Hate U Give
Incredibles II
Christopher Robin
Ocean's 8
Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again
BlacKkKlansman

29. What is one thing that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Music helped me through it all.

30. How would you describe your fashion concept in 2018?

50% barely functioning/systematically depressed human being, 50% casual hipster chic.

31. What kept you sane?

Meditation. Spotify. Sleep.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Not even gonna try to hide my love for Noah Centineo <3 I LOVED HIM SINCE THE FOSTERS YOU POSERS!!!

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

It's sad that there are almost too many to count with each coming year but for reasons that hit far too close to home, the Kavanaugh trial. I don't think I'd been triggered that badly in a while.

34. Who do you miss?

Titi. Linnea, Evan, the Owls, Suki, Luna, Nutella, Bernie, & Phyllis <3

Notice how half of those are animals.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018.

You are love. You are light. You are loved. You are worthy. You are able. You are enough.

36. Quote a song lyrics that sums up your year:

"I'm off the deep end, watch as I dive in
I'll never meet the ground
Crash through the surface
Where they can't hurt us
We're far from the shallow now"

"Shallow" by Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: Happy Birthday my dearest Maeve <3

Nightmare

Hello darlings. 

I recently had a clear out of my phone where I went through all my old photos and notes and the like, deciding which ones I should chuck and which ones I should keep. It appears I haven't removed any of my middle-of-the-night scribbled notes since 2013 and it took me 'til now to uncover some buried bits. It was almost so long ago, I barely remember it happening. Anyhow, I thought I'd share something I wrote on October 15th, 2014 at 12:06am.

TW: Graphic description of traumatic panic attack/night terror.

..........

I grabbed onto the sheets but all I could feel was my pulse and the grime clogging my veins and when I opened my eyes I forgot how to breathe so choking would have to do but the air was hot and my skin was sticky and my pulse kept thumping 'til there were gashes in my brain and the sweat stuck to my skin like a child to her rag-doll and my god I tried to picture a world without me and it just seemed to click but the silence started screaming and my breathing strangled itself while I dry heaved my feelings onto the floor and the taste of spoons tickled my tongue when I noticed the teeth marks on my fists and I couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous I was being and how childish it was to think I would ever belong.

..........

That sure wasn't a pleasant night. Or a pleasant part of my life either, for that matter. I'm happy to say I don't quite wake up in the middle of the night with frightful thoughts (such as the above) as much anymore. I hope none of you have ever had to go through anything similar and if you have or ever do, I'm sending my warmest hugs.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

We Made It! (Barely)

Oh boy. What a year it's been, my loves. A lot of firsts... A lot of lasts... Here's to hoping you had a better one than I.

1. What did you do in 2017 that you'd never done before?

I graduated motherfucking high school, bitchesssssssssss!!!!! Oh, I also may have gotten drunk for the first time. And high for the first time. And had my first hookup. And regretted my first hookup. And started college. And dropped outta college. And met the love of my life under the strangest of circumstances.

2. Did you keep your New Years Resolutions and will you make more for next year?

Well, my dudes, I did as I promised last year: I survived 2017. Quite a feat, might I add. Beyond that, I don't really know if I could focus on anything else. 2018 better be my year. Please be my year. Please, pretty please.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Still no nieces or nephews, thank God. HOWEVER, the Kerrs and the Doires both adopted some gorgeous baby puppers, Finn and Loki respectively. And ohMyGOd they are the most terrific babies you ever did see.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My dearest Rosie. Thank you for visiting me the other day. You have no idea how special that was.

5. What countries did you visit?

Nowhere new, I'm afraid. Just the good ol' USofA and DR.

6. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?

I just... I want the pain to go away. I know that's a longshot, but the past few years have been hell. I mean, absolute hell. And I know I should be counting my blessings—I am—but just... I just want to know something for certain for once, you know? I just wanna be happy. Isn't that what we all want?

7. What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

January 22nd. Semi with CJS.
February 11th. Killed Berklee 2k17.
February 17th. Legally Blonde.
March 28th. Vassar says yes!
April 10th. My poor Rosie <3
May 1st. Yes to Vassar!
May 13th. Senior Prom with CJS.
May 20th. Last Abbey show :(
May 28th. Graduation.
May 31st. First crossfade.
June 3rd. First heartbreak.
August 17th. Hello college.
September 12th. NIGHT OWLS!
October 27th. Buddhist retreat.
November 4th. Goodbye college.
November 10th. William Wells Rider <3
November 28th. First "I love you".
December 10th. One month of happiness.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Honestly? Getting into college didn't hurt. But I'd say the real achievement was finding someone who respects me and loves me for everything that I am.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I feel like I failed myself. I thought I was ready for college but just... things didn't really line up. The timing wasn't right. Lots of things weren't right.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

So I casually suffered from emotional shock in October and almost went into cardiac arrest which was no fun. But here I am, alive and, well... alive, folks. That's about all I can say.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Whaleeeeeeee, here's the dealio: I have zero income. Or at least, I did have a minimal income until I left college. HOWEVER. Seeing as I am currently living with the Wilson-Fishers, everything I get comes from them. And let's just say Tia Susan was feeling particularly generous one day and bought me some early Christmas gifts from Urban Outfitters and holy SHIT do I look good in them :)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Fonts, you've always been there for me, my dude. Seriously, I would not be here without you. Linnea, my darling, I could not be more thankful for you. The universe gave me the best roommate in the history of roommates. And Evan, dear friend, I miss you more than words can explain. You made college worth it. Tia Susan, you've been my guardian angel. And William, my dearest William, thank you. For what you do for me every single day. I cannot thank you enough. I love you all.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?

This one might come as a shocker to y'all, but honestly, my parents. That's not to say I don't still love them with my whole heart or that they aren't wonderful people but they both fucked up royally this year. It's still taking me a while to put back the pieces.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Oh, are you talking about that college that I'm not even currently attending?

15. What did you get really, really excited about?

Getting into THE BEST  a cappella group EVER!!! (seriously tho, I miss y'owl more than you know)

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2017?

Vor í Vaglaskógi by Kaleo
Waving Through A Window by Ben Platt
Michael In The Bathroom by George Salazar
Don't Think Twice, It's Alright by The Night Owls
Moondance by The Night Owls
Slow Down Love by Louis the Child ft. Chelsea Cutler
Dead by Madison Beer
Lights Down Low by MAX ft. gnash
New Rules by Dua Lipa
Mi Gente by J Balvin ft. Willy William
Felices los 4 by Maluma
Súbeme la Radio by Enrique Iglesias
Chantaje by Shakira ft. Maluma
Lost by Frank Ocean
Mykonos by Fleet Foxes
Degas Park by Kevin Abstract
GOLD by Brockhampton
Slow Hands by Niall Horan
HUMBLE by Kendrick Lamar
Bad Liar by Selena Gomez
Like Real People Do by Hozier
DNA by Kendrick Lamar
Shoutout to my Ex by Little Mix
Rockabye by Clean Bandit
Mercy by Shawn Mendes
Crying in the Club by Camila Cabello
Love on the Brain by Rihanna
Oblivion by Bastille
You Don't Know Me by Jax Jones
Swish Swish by Katy Perry
River by Bishop Briggs
Bad at Love by Halsey
Blame it On Me by George Ezra
Wasted Youth by FLETCHER
Bacon by Nick Jonas
Sight of The Sun by fun
There's Nothing Holdin' Me Back by Shawn Mendes
Make Me (Cry) by Noah Cyrus
Bad Things by Camila Cabello
A Million Reasons by Lady Gaga
The Greatest by Sia
Bon Appétit by Katy Perry
Sign of the Times by Harry Styles
All The Pretty Girls by Kaleo
Despacito by Luis Fonsi ft Daddy Yankee
Andas En Mi Cabeza by Chino y Nacho
So Much Better by Laura Bell Bundy (Legally Blonde)
Shape of You by Ed Sheeran
Sunday Candy by Chance the Rapper
I Found by Amber Run
Come On Get Higher by Matt Nathanson

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

(a) sadder. much, much sadder. but hopeful.
(b) about the same?? I dunno.
(c) far poorer. and not getting richer anytime soon.

18. What do you wish you had done more of?

I wish I could have laughed more. There are so many things to laugh and smile about.

19. What do you wish you had done less of?

Wallowing. I do too much wallowing. My friends can all testify.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Quietly in Vermont. Spent more than half the day napping.

21. Did you fall in love in 2017?

I thought you'd never ask :)

22. What was your favorite TV program?

So you see, Evan got me hooked on this thing called Narcos and we lowkey may have binged it and it was the best time of my life. Then, of course, once Stranger Things Season 2 came out, there was no turning back. Since that ended, I may or may not have binged all of Big Mouth in a day...? Don't judge me.

23. Do you hate someone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

His name rhymes with Tonald Drump. Although to be fair, I did already hate him this time last year, so...

24. What was the best book you read?

You have NO IDEA how long I've waited for this post so I could inform y'all :) Okay, so this summer, I ended up devouring books one by one and was a happy camper, yes indeed. Here's a collection of my top 5:

All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven
We Were Liars by E. Lockhart
A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore
You Are Here by Thich Nhat Hanh
and of course, my beautiful Mami's book:
El Hierro Que Forjó a la Dama by Darys Estrella

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Probably Kaleo (thank you Evan and William!) If we're talking musicals, though, you MUST listen to the Dear Evan Hansen soundtrack. Unbelievable. Simply unbelievable.

26. What did you want and get?

A high school diploma. A college acceptance. Love.

27. What did you want and not get?

Mental stability. Yet again.

28. What was your favorite film of the year?

Beauty and the Beast
Spiderman: Homecoming
Gaga: Five Foot Two
The Florida Project
Loving Vincent
Wonder Woman
Gifted
Split

I have yet to see:
Coco
I, Tonya
Wonder
Ladybird
Dunkirk
My Friend Dahmer
The Greatest Showman

29. What is one thing that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Daily "I love you"s from the one and only <3

30. How would you describe your fashion concept in 2017?

I literally hate this question so much cuz I never know how to answer it... I guess you could say I still rock the overalls. That and pajamas on a good day.

31. What kept you sane?

Not much, to be honest. I'm not even totally sure how I'm here right now.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Sooooooo I may have become a bit obsessed with Aaron Tveit and Ben Platt... I swear, it's only because they're talented, not because they're both drop-dead-fucking-gorgeous. Emma Watson once again makes the list, but what else is new?

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

There were too many to count this year, folks. Far too many. Plus, I was a bit preoccupied dealing with my own mental health so I kinda needed to steer clear of politics for a while.

34. Who do you miss?

Rosie. Linnea, Evan & the Owls <3 Oh, and my lil peanut, Suki.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017.

Taking time for yourself is ALWAYS an option. It does not make you a failure. It does not make you unworthy. It does not make you unloveable.

36. Quote a song lyrics that sums up your year:

"Hold, hold on, hold onto me,

'Cause I'm a little unsteady,

A little unsteady."

"Unsteady" by X Ambassadors

There you have it. Sending you all my best.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAEVE!!! I LOVE YOU WITH MY WHOLE HEART!!!

Dearest Rosie

I miss you every single day.

I just wanted to share the dream I had about you last night. It's weird, after you were gone, I dreamt about you every night but within the past few months you sorta drifted away... And I was afraid I'd lost you for good.

But last night you popped back into my dreams and I just can't explain it... This time was different. It was like you were really, truly there. I dunno. It's sorta hard to explain.

I was back at some hybrid version of the Abbey and Vassar mixed together. The whole dorm experience thing, I guess. And I remember seeing people from both high school and college living in the same space and they all knew each other. Weird how dreams are able to manipulate reality that way...

I remember being slightly aggravated because all the showers were taken and the light switches in the bathroom were being flickery. I remember complaining to someone about needing to call maintenance to fix the light. But as soon as they walked out the door and I turned my head, the room transformed.

It was no longer a bathroom, but some sort of dingy study room. Empty except for you, Rosie.

You just sat there by a round table, as if waiting for me. And suddenly the flickering lights came to a stop and settled on a warm glow. I looked at you and looked at you and my heart caught in my throat.

"Rosie?"

You had your red hair tied back in one of those messy buns and were wearing your Oxford letterman jacket along with your black skinny jeans and beat up combat boots. You were there. For real this time.

You gave me a gentle smile before pulling me into a hug. I couldn't breathe. I could feel your arms around me, I mean really feel them. Solid flesh and bone and just... I could feel your heartbeat.

You had a heartbeat, Rosie.

And you were so warm, like I could feel the all the blood within you. You pulled away to look at me with those blue eyes but all I could think about was how much I wanted to hug you again.

"Hey, Maya."

I could feel my chest start to tighten and my eyes start to water.

"Are you real?" I blurted, voice cracking.

You looked at me with this sort of sad smile.

"Yes, I'm real. But I can't stay long,"

Immediately, I started to panic, thoughts racing, trying to figure out some way to keep you here with me.

Instead, you pulled out a chair for me and invited me to sit down. Without breaking your gaze, I sat.

I was afraid you'd disappear if I looked away.

"You're doing really well," you said.

You gave my knee a pat.

"Hardly... I just dropped outta school, Rosie. That doesn't sound like 'well' to me."

"But you're managing. That's good," you said, and I could feel my eyes start to glaze over with a new wave of tears.

"Why can't you stay?"

"I can't."

"What can I do to make you stay?" I pleaded, reaching for the hem of your jacket.

"Maya... I'm already gone. I just stopped by to check on you, that's all," your smile kinda dropped a little bit and I knew you were sad about it too.

I could feel the tears flowing out my eyes in streams but I couldn't stop.

"Rosie, I miss you. Can't you stay a while?" I wiped at my nose, hoping you'd give in.

"I'm sorry, kiddo. I've gotta go," you gave my hand a squeeze before standing up.

"Go where?" I stood up, alarmed.

"Away for a little while."

"But will I ever see you again?"

I wanted to reach out to you, to touch you, to feel your heartbeat one more time.

"Maybe someday. Promise me you'll take care of yourself?"

You gave me one of those rare stern looks of yours.

"I—okay."

I stood up to give you a hug once again, but this one was more fleeting, more urgent.

I squeezed you and watched my tears drop onto your letterman jacket. I felt your heartbeat.

I turned around to push in my chair before saying, "I love you," but you were already gone.

I miss you, Rosie.

I love you.

I do.

-Maya xo

All the Important Words

The thing about writing important words is at first, no matter what, they're gonna sound like crap. And for a while now, I've been sitting here thinking of important words and the various forms they could be rearranged so they sound like something real but I guess sometimes the important stuff is just gonna sound like crap anyway. Am I making any sense? Oh, bother.

I guess my point is I'm sat here on my bed in a Vassar V-neck and it's 86 degrees outside and I've got second degree burns on my arms and legs from river rafting and I've been up for a consecutive twelve hours trying to finish a book and my owl glasses are on and my face is a mess but I pulled myself together enough so I could sit here and try to write important words.

See, I just finished reading Jennifer Niven's All the Bright Places and without spoiling anything, I can tell you that novel takes you on one heck of a ride. I speak as a teenager. I speak as a seventeen-year-old girl who knows what it's like to love someone so very much and lose them anyhow. I speak as someone who has been there, on every single side of the equation. Listen, recent events in my own life may have allowed for this book to dig a deeper hole in my heart than perhaps it may have if everything had been all right.

My parents are recently divorced.

My very good friend took her own life.

I split with my longterm boy/best friend.

The dark is creeping its way back in and my country is on the brink of revolution.

And yet I am grateful. You see, if anything, All the Bright Places has made me feel more Awake than ever. If you ever read the book (which I highly recommend you do), you'll know what that means. It's just... It's filled with important words—things that need to be said. About adolescence, about mental illness, about friendships, relationships, people, life. We're all just people trying to understand one another and sometimes we think we speak the same language when really, we should be paying more attention to our dialect.

I don't know if that made sense.

In any case, I was in the kitchen a couple of minutes ago, sleep deprived and eating a shitty apple, when suddenly I wanted nothing more than to shout all the important words—loud enough for all the important people to hear.

I love you. More than anything.

Don't leave me.

Please.

I wanted to beg but then the important people would have been alarmed and thought I'd gone insane.

But maybe I am.

Maybe we're all insane and we're all just trying to get by as quickly and quietly and unnoticed as possible?

I'm hungry again. The apple was spoiled, anyway.

I look up at the mirror on my wall and I quite literally feel as though I've aged in the past twelve hours. I can't begin to explain... Just... Like it's just finally there was someone in the world who knew. She knew, and she grabbed the important words and arranged them perfectly and wrote them down and now they're out in the world.

Sue me for having a marshmallow heart, it came with the package.

I need to get my mind off this book, off the fatigue, off the feverish sunburn, so I open my closet and rummage for nail polish.

Only I just remembered I'm shit at painting nails.

My arms look puffy. I think they're swollen from the burn.

I sometimes think my thoughts are much like an angry sunburn: light and near unnoticeable at first, but building in color, building in rage as time goes on; painful and red and stubborn and unflinching when pulled; stinging and burning and seething when touched.

I stand up and feel the skin pull taut around my knees, like rubbery leather. Those for sure will leave an ugly tan.

I wish I could make all these thoughts more cohesive. I'm not really sure which direction I'm going in anymore.

But none of us do.

It's all a mystery and who knows, maybe that's the best part.

I tried to take a nap but all I could think of were Luc and Rosie.

And then all the people who were taken too soon.

What if Matt hadn't fallen asleep and what if Genji had worn a seatbelt and what if Ben hadn't been drinking that night and what if Luc had warned someone and what if someone had just known about Rosie, what if...?

I miss them all so much it hurts.

I dreamt of Rosie and of Luc and just pictured myself hugging them and apologizing over and over and over, tears streaming down my face and they just looked down at me and smiled and patted my head and didn't say a word.

But they were right there. Right in front of me and I couldn't do a damn thing to save them now.

It just didn't seem real. None of it seems real. It's been months and months and none of it seems real.

I suspect it's the sort of pain one doesn't ever really get over, just learns to cope with.

To all my important people:

Know that you are loved. You are so loved and like it or not, you are a part of every single person you've met. You have changed them and become a part of their story and goodness gracious, they would not be where they are today if it weren't for you.

Know that you are needed. I need you. Holy fuck, do I need you. Don't you dare leave me. Not anytime soon.

Know that time will heal. I sound like a right hypocrite because I'm guilty of tricking myself into believing none of it will ever be okay again. But that's simply not true. You've got to believe that someday, you will be okay again. Things will be okay again. And if it's not okay, it's not the end.

I suspect my train of thought has dragged you all over the place by now. I'm sorry.

My mind is a messy place, but you already knew that.

I'm hungry. I should probably go do something about that.

Take care of yourselves, please. Treat yourself like you would a small child.

I love you.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya