Temporary Relief Part 3

And we're back with some more nonsense. Enjoy :)

..........

1. What's the best stress reliever you know?

Being near animals (preferably ones that love you) or listening to Potterless :)

2. What's the happiest song ever written?

Three Little Birds by Bob Marley. It's also the saddest song I know.

3. If you were guaranteed to be 20% happier, could you give up TV forever?

I mean, I haven't watched cable since I was probably around nine years old but if you're referring to all the Netflix and Hulu and Amazon and HBO series that exist in the world, hell no, I would never give those up. Art is my life source. I don't care how much happier I could be without it.

4. Would you rather deal with a problem head-on or avoid it forever?

Uhhhhhh you know me and my conflicts... If I could make them disappear with no real consequences, that'd be pretty neat.

5. Do you spend more time socializing through the computer or in the company of friends?

The thing is I'm blessed enough to have friends all over the world so I may not always be in the same immediate area as them. Whenever I am able to be in their physical company though, of course I would take advantage of that. It would be foolish of me not to.

6. Do you worry more about the little or the big things?

It's the little things that become big things more often than not, no?

7. Is the richest person you know significantly happier than you?

Lmao probably. The things good healthcare can get you, I'm just sayin'...

8. What's the best music to exercise with?

Oooo great question. I tend to pull out my Latin dance remixes, those never fail. But I guess one could never go wrong with a good Dua Lipa or Ariana Grande jam.

9. Are you an open book?

Annoyingly, yes.

10. What were three of your favorite moments today?

Booping Phoenix on the nose, buying Platanitos at TJ Maxx, and watching Schitt's Creek with Natasha.

11. What's a great memory you have of a stranger giving you assistance?

When I was fourteen years old, I was stalked, harassed and verbally assaulted by a grown man while on a flight, and then later through the connecting airport. Since I was an unaccompanied minor, an employee was assigned to watch over me as I made my connecting flight. This beautiful, warm, angel of a Jamaican woman saw to it that the man was taken away by security and proceeded to hug me close to her chest, wiping away my tears as I shook with the fear from it all. Most of the attacks made were about my identity and the lady took my face in both her hands to tell me no one will ever have the right to tell me who I am—only I define that. It has stuck with me ever since.

12. What smell reminds you of childhood?

Nesquick chocolate milk, sizzling garlic and onions, and saltwater air.

13. Are you willing to ask for help when you need it?

I'd like to think I'm better about that now.

14. Where would you volunteer if you had a free day tomorrow?

Ideally, there are so many places I'd love to give a helping hand to. Realistically, my current option would probably be an animal shelter <3

15. What was the most creative time of your life?

Every time I never wanted to see the light of day again.

16. How much energy do you spend seeking appreciation versus giving it?

I'm hoping it's an even split but quite honestly, I love praise whoops ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

17. What's the most persuasive outside influence on your life?

Cooler weather. Seriously.

18. Do you ever feel guilty for being happy?

All the time.

19. What's your favorite daydream?

A happy, healthy, stable life void of excess suffering.

20. What was the best vacation you ever took?

Ireland, babeyyyyy!!!

21. Who's the most optimistic person you know?

My Abuelo. He's seen it all and he still chooses love and life every time.

22. What's the best way you've found to deal with criticism?

Taking a step back to reflect on the source and where it might be coming from.

23. How do you unnecessarily spend money?

On anything that smells good, ever lol

24. What do you know that can be happy in any situation?

Ice cream doesn't fix everything, but it certainly makes things better.

25. Who has the most beautiful smile in the world?

My dad :)

..........

Just a few things to keep the unpleasantries at bay.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Things I Want to Tell My Younger Self

Hey, babe. Sit down, you're gonna wanna hear this:

• Stop picking at your face. I know it's tempting, but don't.

• Bad people don't care about whether or not they're a good person. The fact that you care speaks for itself.

• The voices will go away eventually. They'll be replaced by more loving thoughts like, "It's okay to feel so much. It means you are special."

• I know it's hard to believe, but school is not everything. Life goes on without it and your grades do not equate to your value. You are worth more than your grades.

• Oily skin will keep you looking younger longer ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

• You need to eat, kid. I know sometimes it feels like you don't deserve it or you didn't earn it, but you need it to stay alive. We need you alive.

• You are not too sensitive. You are you, and that is enough.

• You were always radiant, even when you didn't like yourself.

• Helping people is great, but it's not selfish to help yourself first. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

• Not everyone will like you. And that's okay. Don't waste time trying to make them.

• You don't owe anyone anything. Especially not your personhood.

• It was not your fault.

• No one is ever too old for stuffed animals.

• You do not need to put up with people who don't know your worth. Family included.

• Stop biting your cuticles, dummy. That's why they're always bleeding.

• Moisturize!!!

• Wear your goddamn retainers.

• You do not need to be a "lady" to be respected.

• Who gives a fuck if you shave or not? You choose.

• You do not have to fit into a box. Don't be something just because others expect you to be.

• Trust your first instinct. I mean it.

• Your boobs will grow, relax.

• You do not have to be stellar at something to enjoy it.

• Listen to music that makes you happy. Sad music is fine, but not all the time.

• Your body is not as weird as you think it is.

• Do not take opinions from people you wouldn't go to for advice.

• Your parents will let you down. It's okay. The world will go on, and you will learn to take care of yourself.

• Not making your bed isn't that big of a deal.

• Draw stick figures. Who cares.

• You are much stronger than you think.

• Not painting your nails doesn't make you any less girly.

• Being feminine is NOT a weakness.

• You don't always have to smile at people. Especially not when they tell you to.

• Camping is just as bad as you think it is. Don't do it lmao

• Save. Your. Money.

• Even if you're too tired to get out of bed, drink some water. You will have done something productive that day.

• Your laugh is a great one. Don't let it go to waste.

• Stop ignoring your leftovers!!!

• You absolutely CAN rock that haircut.

• Those who love you will not care whom you love.

• Some things just kinda suck. Let them suck and then move on.

• You are allowed to get angry. You have every right to be angry.

• Crying does not make you weak. It doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn't.

• Alcohol is gross. You're not missing out.

• Call him out on his bullshit. It's not okay.

• When all else fails, you've still got the moon and the stars rooting for you. Astrology isn't all made up ;)

Hasta la próxima,

Much love, nena xoxo

Maya <3 

Temporary Relief Part 2

Morning, darlings. I hope you are all staying well and taking care of your wonderful selves. The past week has been... eventful, for lack of a better word. No better time to commence the brain-numbing than through the second section of the conversation card questions.

..........

1. Do you ever eat lunch outside?

I assume this means when I'm at school/work? If the weather allows, for sure, but not when too many bugs are around *yuck*

2. Have you seen your work suffer when you're unhappy?

All. The. Time. Mood swings and performance correlations are no joke.

3. When you think about getting older do you imagine being happy?

I want to. I hope so. Every day I try to work toward creating the life I always wanted and never had. So we'll see.

4. Do you have certain foods that make you happier?

DO I? Strawberries & cream, Capri Suns, pickles, carrots with lime, extra buttery popcorn, anything Entenmman's, refried bean burritos, strawberry banana smoothies, Abuelo's baked ziti, salted mangoes, RICE, tomatoes with lime, tostones, Deece ice cream concoctions, arepitas, kiwis, concón, Quaker Oats dinosaur oatmeal, queso frito, sourdough bread, salted lime, cucumbers with lime, salami, Abuelo's dulce de coco, Abuela's ensalada de repollo, empanadas, banana bread muffins, Papi's pasta bolognese, Mami's fried eggs (jokes cuz that's like the only thing she can cook lol), and a million other things. Moral of the story is I'm kind of super into food :)

5. Where's the most unlikely place you've made a friend?

A bathroom lol

6. What would you love to grow?

Literally? Some freaking basil plants, man. Figuratively, probably patience and the ability to say no.

7. If you could get rid of a daily noise from something what would it be?

Not fully sure what this question is going for but I'm gonna say the stupid "Caw-Caw!!! Caw-Caw!!!"'s from the ravens in our backyard every morning. Like, they start at 6am, dude. The audacity.

8. Whose marriage would you like to emulate?

My late Titi Dorianny and her husband Tio John's, for sure. They were oh so in love and brought out the absolute best in each other. They went on adventures, they had dance parties, they pursued art projects together, they cooked together, they laughed together, they held each other up through everything until the very end. I have never known any other people who loved like that. What they had was for sure a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing.

9. Are you happier when your life has structure or with total freedom?

Sooooooo the thing is I suck at maintaining structure for myself??? Like, I know that I tend to thrive off of routines (when I'm able to stick with them) but on the other hand, I find some of my happiest moments to be the most spontaneous and unscheduled ones.

10. Do you have higher standards for yourself or other people?

5 million percent higher for myself, it's infuriating.

11. How happy are your genes?

Uhhhh is this a question about my DNA? If so, I legitimately couldn't answer your question. I have no idea lmao

12. When do you feel most independent?

When I accomplish adult-y things, like bank errands or grocery shopping or folding laundry or making uncomfy phonecalls with even more adult-y people or cooking for myself and others or deep cleaning an entire room. Just things like that. I don't love doing those things, but when I do get them done I feel like an accomplished human.

13. Would you rather have children that are successful or happy?

I consider happiness to be the greatest success :)

14. Why do so many beautiful people seem so miserable?

Can't relate so I couldn't tell you hahaahahaaaa otherwise idk, society man ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

15. What do you worry about in the middle of the night?

Oh buddy, you don't wanna know... But mostly embarrassing shit I did in the third grade that I will never live down. Rip.

16. Is Disneyland really the happiest place on earth?

Can confirm it's not even in the top twelve happiest places on earth.

17. What are the small daily things that give you pleasure?

The way my cats purr to get out of scoldings because they know they can get away with it; a warm mug of tea held between my hands; the dust particles dancing in rays of sunshine; my cats' little toe beans; showering after feeling gross all day; flinging my bra across the room for fun (hehe); watching my cats nap; sleeping on freshly laundered sheets; texting my very best friends that I love them.

18. What's your favorite dream about your future?

I am alive. I am healthy. I am free of all debts. I'm an accomplished occupational therapist for children. I have a spouse who adores me and kids who are never afraid to ask me things. I live in some quiet, easy suburb, away from city chaos. We have two cats and a dog whom we love very much. My life is no longer a mess. I find joy in being awake. 

19. Have you ever gone on a news fast?

As a Highly Sensitive Person (it's a real thing, look it up lol), I literally cannot handle vast amounts of overwhelming content for prolonged periods of time lest I wanna plummet headfirst into a mental breakdown. So, news fasts are kind of typical for me. I require more charging time than others, so frequent breaks are needed. Tis simply my lot in life ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

20. Why do we spend our time doing things we know won't make us happy?

Free will, bro. Idk.

21. When's the last time you took a big risk?

I think a lot of the risks I end up taking in life are purely coincidental or accidental XD But on a more serious note, I guess when I re-applied to college after two years. There was no guarantee I'd get in, and applying to college once is draining enough, let alone doing it twice. I'm really glad it ended up working out :)

22. What are your greatest pleasures?

Bad romcoms, fuzzy socks, naps in the arms of a love, fried food, car karaoke with the best of friends, spontaneous adventures, long showers, Pinterest boards, having my hair played with, the warmth of a fire when the rest of the world is freezing, praise, the smell of grass in the morning, talking to the moon.

23. If you were going to begin dancing regularly what kind would you do?

100% would love to get back into hip-hop and jazz *heart eyes*

24. When you want to laugh, what or who do you turn to?

Potterless Podcast, old vine compilations, jokes written by kids, and when all else fails, Evan lmao <3

25. Is it harder to forgive yourself or others?

Ehhh I'd say it's a solid 60/40 split, with an edge towards me. Forgiving oneself is not easy work.

..........

And there you have it. Arbitrary answers to questions nobody asked or cared for :) You're welcome.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Temporary Relief Part 1

Hi friends.

I haven't been able to bring myself to write in quite some time. Due to everything going on in the world (and in my own life), it just didn't seem right. For a number of reasons, I've found it quite difficult to do anything for myself, even writing on this blog. The thought of doing anything for myself in light of recent events has only riddled me with guilt because it leaves me feeling empty, like I'm not doing enough, like I'm not contributing enough and I shouldn't spend time on myself when there are more pressing matters at hand. And while part of me still feels that way, I've realized how important it is to take care of myself and to do things for myself even in the midst of all this chaos and tragedy—because if I don't, there will be none of me left to fight. So if that means writing easy, mindless puff pieces in addition to signing petitions and donating where I can and re-educating myself on issues of systemic racism, then so be it (and I encourage you all to do the same! if you are able to attend protests, please do so safely!)

Anyway.

I discovered some "conversation starter cards" in my living room a while ago (courtesy of Natasha lol) and thought I'd give them a go. Since there are quite a few questions, I thought I'd split them into a couple different posts so as not to overwhelm you or myself :)

1. Would you choose to be 20% better-looking if it made you 20% less happy?

Probably not. I already have low-enough days... I don't need them to be any lower lol

2. Do your morals ever get in the way of your happiness?

Oh, definitely. Not often, but there are times where the easier, immoral option is the quickest road to happiness and yet I have to stop myself if I feel like keeping my integrity.

3. What quote do you live by?

Rest in Distress.

-Evan Rubenzahl

Lmao jk I have a handful. But the one I tend to come back to over and over again is "Have courage and be kind." Who knew Cinderella would have the answers on how to live my life ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

4. Is happiness over-rated?

Absolutely not.

5. What made each of your past pets special?

Oh boy, there were quite a few so I dunno if I'll be able to remember them all! There were the cannibal snails; the rescued baby bird;  Roger the Hamster named after the iconic Mr. Rogers; Gato and Bachi, my parents' first set of cats; the mysteriously disappearing frogs; Sandy the Prize Turtle who we thought was a boy but was actually a girl; probably several fish that have vanished from memory; Bernie & Phyllis, my precious sassy old rescue kitties; Suki the peanut chihuahua-terrier, who is the love of my life but such an old little woman now; Nutella the warm, adorable slobbery bulldog pup; and finally, Phoenix & Scout, my current demonically playful, astonishingly needy (and loud) kittens adopted from South Salem, New York.

6. Do you think it's easier to be happy when you don't have as many choices?

It can be. Ignorance is bliss and all that jazz.

7. Are you letting any of your gifts go to waste?

I mean, I hope not. I'm assuming gifts here means "natural talents" or something like that? Each of my "talent" inclinations has always fallen in the artistic realm but I haven't necessarily had the means to pursue them as in-depth as I'd like. Dance/voice/music lessons are not cheap, my dudes. I know I have skills there, I just need to figure out how to harness them fully.

8. Which bad habits could you cut out that would help you sleep better?

I'm not even gonna go there. Insomnia can go fuck itself.

9. What do you sometimes take for granted?

Probably my friends' kindness. They are too good to me and I do not deserve them <3

10. What is contributing a surprising amount of happiness to your life these days?

Not all that surprising, but Phoenix & Scout have stolen my entire heart and can get away with probably anything if they nuzzle me hard enough.

11. Have you ever tried to regularly take quiet time for yourself?

As an introvert, it's sorta hard to exist without it.

12. How often do you make a to-do list?

Ohmygod, every day.

13. What's the hardest thing for you to resist?

Persuasion.

14. What would you like to give up thinking about?

Student loans hahahaahhahahahahhaaaaaa

15. Which of your commitments is the hardest to keep?

I'm not entirely sure what this means but I guess anything school-related stresses me out the most and therefore I end up brushing things off until the last possible minute.

16. If you could wave a magic wand and one thing in your life would be checked off your to-do list what would you pick?

Any homework, ever. I love school and I love learning yall, but completing assignments? Not my area.

17. Do you accept what can't be changed?

Not always. I want to, though.

18. How can you be happier than you are right now?

If I could stick to a routine. I mean actually, really truly stick to a healthy routine to the point where it becomes second nature. But unfortunately, not much of my life has allowed for it.

19. Which locations are on your bucket list?

Colombia, Peru, El Salvador, Venezuela, Brazil, Chile, Cuba, Mexico, Scotland, The Netherlands, Portugal, France, Greece, Italy, Austria, Vietnam, Japan, Thailand, Australia, Nepal, China, The Philippines, Egypt, Lebanon, Nigeria, South Korea, Singapore, Bangladesh, Belgium, Switzerland, Norway, Denmark, Iceland... Man, the list could go on.

20. What are the three most important qualities you look for in a partner?

Compassion, humor & reliability.

21. What's the difference between pleasure and happiness?

I like to think of pleasure as a short-lived, immediate thing whereas happiness is more of a long-term, all-encompassing thing. 

22. Which area of your life needs the most organization?

My sleep schedule, holy shit.

23. Are you ever surprised by your own behavior?

Rarely. Usually, the surprise stems from the shock of my own self-restraint. I tend to be very impulsive when it comes to my emotions and the actions that follow them, so if I'm able to fight off some impulsive instincts, it's no small thing.

24. Who's the most surprisingly happy person you know?

All the ones I can think of are children, so... I dunno what that says about the adult world.

25. Do you have unnecessarily impossible standards?

For myself? Absolutely 100%. For others, not particularly.

..........

And there you have the first 25 questions, folks. If anything, I hope this brought some vague sense of levity to your own life before you go out and fight for change in this world (go do it! we need you!)

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Love in the Time of Corona

I don't know what I'm trying to write.

Nothing I could ever write would heal this kind of hurt. And yet here I am trying to make some sense of it all. Or maybe not make sense of it, just... I dunno. Throw my thoughts into the void.

Everything has happened so fast. Two weeks ago, we all happily left for spring break without a care in the world. Some of us came prepared for the worst, others did not. I have attempted to take every step with grace, but have not been so successful. First, the rumors. Then memes, warnings, emails followed. News headlines flashing COVID-19, Coronavirus, Global Pandemic. It just doesn't go away. Hasn't gone away. Week two in self-quarantine trying to keep clean, trying to keep sane, trying to make the aches of missing you all go away.

I think I told myself to write this as an attempt to journal my way through the outbreak. People kept journals during the World Wars, during the Great Depression, during the Spanish Influenza—why should this be any different? Our world is at war with a virus we don't yet know how to beat. It's perhaps our scariest enemy yet. And while I don't think it productive to fall into a complete state of panic, people need to do better. Wash your hands. Stay home. Practice social distancing. Remain six feet apart. Don't hoard supplies. Be a decent fucking human being. We are all hurting. We are all scared. At least be kind.

Things are scary right now. They are. Between trying to navigate the transition to online classes, to figuring out where I was gonna live, to making sure my parents were safe, to scrubbing my hands raw, to battling with loneliness in isolation, to wondering what I'm gonna do when my medication runs out, to attempting to function at all like a regular human being... It just... It's a lot. I've been fortunate enough to be able to stay with Linnea's family in MA for the time being. YD is doing the same with a friend from RISD. Javi and Mami are stuck in the DR apartment. My dad is in VT working the frontlines every day as a retail employee at a pharmacy. Talk about modern-day soldiers.

There has been so much uncertainty and so much distress on all fronts. So much is out of our control. I've tried focusing on the little tiny baby things I do have control over (like eating and sleeping, showering and brushing my teeth, going for a walk or at least looking out the window) and yet I still can't seem to do them all enough. Evan's been pushing me to stay on top of it. Linnea's been trying to keep me sane. Vassar students everywhere are scrambling—for their belongings, their GPAs, their friends, their canceled graduations. Professors and administration can barely keep up with the ever-changing news. Entire states are being shut down left and right. Outside feels like a ghost town. Still, the only way out is through.

When things are scary and frightening and uneasy and unknown, I find it comforting to revel in the small things. Like raspberry jam on toast. And crossword puzzles. A weighted blanket for bed. Hamster feet. Hugs of every kind. Facetime. Fun-filled pasta. Rediscovering club penguin. Cooking dinner together. Puppy licks. Disney movies. Children's books. A hot shower. Solitude at 3am. Plants that continue to grow despite it all. I am so lucky to be cared for and healthy and safe. Not everyone can say the same.

Please be kind to yourselves and each other. The world has needed tenderness for some time now. Give it to her.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya 

Changing Tides

HAPPY FEBRUARY!!!

Just wanted to give y'all a quick update to say that holy moly things are going well for me. I mean, of course, there are still some strugglebus days but overall, I'm pretty darn happy with the outcomes.

I got officially hired at the diner place where I get to live out my dream as a starving artist working as a waitress in New York of all places. Whatta time.

I also got a job as a part-time babysitter for the two cutest little girls on the planet. No seriously, they really are. PLUS they have a cat so I'm gonna be in heaven.

The first Newsies readthru was last Friday night and I kid you not when I say that cast was meant to be. Everyone is beyond perfect for their role and I think this process is gonna be a blast. (I have rehearsal again tonight until 10pm good lord)

I have so many hopes and dreams (as do we all) and just I am so beyond excited to begin pursuing the things I love and becoming my own best person.

Good things take time. But we deserve them. We do. We do. We do.

I love you guys so much.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

A Good Thing

Hey you beautiful people.

I know I left you all on a bit of a low note. Sorry about that. BUT! I remain optimistic for things to come and here's why:

1) I got cast in a local production of Newsies so that's pretty fuckin' great.

2) I get to have a trial run as a waitress this Tuesday morning and that's a job so that means money and experience.

3) My mom was able to help get food and food is important so that is good.

4) I got a really super duper awesome idea for a play/musical and am in the very beginning stages of putting it together.

5) I've been pretty hella productive around the house lately what with cleaning and such. Go me!

Anyway, even though things are scary and not everything is perfect all the time, something good might always be around the corner. You just gotta be patient. Your good thing will come. It will.

Hope y'all are staying toasty warm!

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Fragments of a Fragile Mind

The universe works in funny ways. Last week, things got a bit dark and fuzzy again.

If it weren't for my dearest friends, I don't know where I'd be.

Here are mere fragments of the things said, all from different conversations, bits and pieces of the state of mind.

The purpose was to show the scattered frenzy that I can become and ultimately, to show that you are not alone. The fact that I'm writing this right now proves that I was not alone, even if it felt that way.

I can assure you at this moment in time I am safe and okay.

Caution: May contain triggering content. If you are ever at risk, please get help. I beg of you.

..........

Sorry sorry

I feel sick

So many things happened

How can I not let that define me?

I was trying to be rhetorical, asshole

The sad part is I wanna try again...

Except I wanna succeed this time

I wanna hurt again

So fucking badly

I am so so sorry

I won't do anything tonight

But I cannot tell you how lovely dying sounds

How lovely slipping away sounds

I

I'm trying to be okay

Over and over again

I love you all so much it hurts but I can't tell you how much I want to die

I'm so fucking weak

But I can't get out of my head

You shouldn't love me

Fuck

I want to go

I want to go so badly

My head is pounding

So exhausted

But I'm all snot and tears and yucky

All I'm gonna dream about is dying and I'm scared

I'm sorry for keeping you up

I just feel so fucking lonely

Fucking hell

I just wanna be loved

I don't wanna be judged

I wanna be hugged and told that I matter

And fall asleep not hating myself

I want people to fucking give a shit about me

I don't want to disappear into nothingness

I want to hurt because I don't know how else to be okay

I want the outside to match the inside

Just

I just can't go to work

There's so much blood

I'm literally itching for sharp edges

I'm craving it holy fuck is this what addiction feels like?

I can feel the hurt in my chest, I can physically locate it

I don't even like blood

And how I could so easily drown myself there

It feels like there's this little parasite in my brain telling me that I want things that I don't really want

And I'm too tired to cry anymore

It's just been the worst night ever

Just know that I love you please

And I hope that you love me

But I cannot promise you that I won't try again

I'm sorry if I've failed you

I didn't mean to scare you I'm so sorry

Goddammit 

I just really want to not exist

And I can't bear to put you through another Rosie

I want to end it so bad

I feel like I'm suffocating

But I'm not actually sick

My head throbs

Please don't leave me

I feel lonely

Not your fault

And I couldn't think and my heart was literally ITCHING, like a mosquito bite but inside of me

And I kept scratching at my chest and trying to breathe but it was suffocating

I felt physically attacked

My head was pounding with a migraine. It still is.

And I just can never win ever

I am never right

I am never understood

I'm still in bed

I just feel so unaccepted here

I'm just so angry

I just feel bad

I haven't eaten since 7:30pm last night

I don't want this to get worse

Everything feels so foggy right now

My whole body feels heavy

I still can't get out of bed

I don't know

I'm sorry it's not like I meant to

I love you too

..........

Bless the hearts who endured with me through the early hours of the morning. I couldn't have done it without you.

Please know that I am home and safe and okay. As okay as I can be.

And again, please get help if you are in need of assistance. It is the best thing that will ever happen to you.

I love you all.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Attempted Distractions

Hey pals. I know it's been a while. I'm sorry.

I'll try and update you more later but I just needed to get myself writing again.

So. Here's the easy way out. Tumblr questionnaire it is.

..........

1. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

Compared to most? Yeah, I'd like to think so. My dad and I are best buds. My mom and I... well, it's complicated but we love each other very much and I wouldn't change that for the world.

2. Who did you last say "I love you" to?

My mom <3

3. Do you regret anything?

Occasionally, I think about things too much and wish I had done something differently. Ultimately? Nah, I wouldn't take back any of it. I am who I am because of the mistakes I have made.

4. Are you insecure?

Well, hell, who isn't?!

5. What is your relationship status?

Single. Um... yeah. Not quite used to that yet.

6. How do you want to die?

Jeez, what are these questions??? In the least painful way possible, thank you very much.

7. What did you last eat?

Ice cream :)

8. Played any sports?

HA! You see, I did the soccer and the tennis and the swimming back in my day... None of those stayed very long. Neither did track. Track confirmed my hatred of all things sports. 'Nuff said.

9. Do you bite your nails?

Nonononono it freaks me out too much!

10. When was your last physical fight?

Uh, never?

11. Do you like someone?

I think the issue is I'm trying to stop liking this someone, and it's a very hard task, indeed.

12. Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

Excuse me but have you ever gone to high school?

13. Do you hate anyone at the moment?

I could never.

14. Do you miss someone?

More than you know.

15. Have any pets?

My darling little peanut dog, Suki <3

16. How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

Pretty gross, to be honest.

17. Ever made out in a bathroom?

...yes.

18. Are you scared of spiders?

See, I'd like to say no. Because I don't mind when they're in their own habitat. However, step into my space and you'll wish you hadn't.

19. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

I think it'd be a cool concept. I wouldn't wanna change anything, though. Just go back to replay certain memories, I guess.

20. Where was the last place you snogged someone?

That someone's bedroom.

21. What are your plans for this weekend?

I can't think that far ahead. One day at a time, my dear, one day at a time.

22. Do you want to have kids? How many?

I do and I don't. I do because holy crap how cool would it be to have a lil mini me? But I don't because, you know, overpopulation and pain and things. If I did, I'd probably have one of my own and adopt the other.

23. Do you have any piercings? How many?

Only two, one on each ear.

24. What were your best subjects in school?

Well, it's no surprise to anyone that I did decently okay in English, so...

25. Do you miss anyone from your past?

So, so much.

26. What are you craving right now?

Physical affection.

27. Have you ever broken someone's heart?

God, I hope not but I'm afraid I have.

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

Not that I know of.

29. Have you ever made your significant other cry?

Sadly, yes.

30.What's irritating you right now?

Fucking mosquito bites. Those need to go.

31. Does somebody love you?

I am beyond grateful to say yes. Many people do.

32. What is your favorite color?

PURPLE!!!

33. Do you have trust issues?

Um, maybe sometimes...

34. Who/what was your last dream about?

Vassar, believe it or not :)

35. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

A whole lotta strangers in the airport.

36. Do you give out second chances too easily?

Yes yes yes ohmygod yes.

37. Is it easier to forgive or forget?

It's easier to forget but goodness gracious don't ever do that.

38. Is this year the best year of your life?

I think that would be a solid no.

39. How old were you when you had your first kiss?

Fourteen years and seven months.

40. Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

Define "outside"...

41. Favorite food?

Arepitas. Look it up. Best food on the planet.

42. Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

I think everything has the potential to formulate a purpose. So in a way, I guess, yeah.

43. What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

Hmm... I think I was slathering on Aloe because FUCK MOSQUITOS.

44. Is cheating ever okay?

In a relationship? Nonononononononononono. In anything else? Eh, it's not great, but there are worse things.

45. Are you mean?

Goodness, I hope not.

46. How many people have you fist fought?

Zero.

47. Do you believe in true love?

What does that mean exactly?

48. Favorite weather?

Foggy, by far.

49. Do you like the snow?

I do, indeed :)

50. Do you want to get married?

I sure would like a companion, yes.

51. Is it cute when a girl/boy calls you baby?

I dunno, depends who it is, I guess.

52. What makes you happy?

My friends are a bunch of weirdos but God, do I love you guys.

53. Would you change your name?

I used to want to, but I dunno... I think Maya kinda suits me now.

54. Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

I would want that more than anything. But some things just can't be.

55. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

That ship has sailed, amigo.

56. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

I'd like to think so.

57. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

The lil bro, Javi.

58. Who's the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Surprisingly, the lil bro, Javi.

59. Do you believe in soulmates?

I think "kindred spirits" is a better term.

60. Is there anyone you would die for?

Both my brothers, in a heartbeat. And quite a few others as well, though I couldn't fit them all here.

..........

There you have it. Slow, but it's something.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Sleepless in Portsmouth

Hello peoples :)

I can't sleep so here we go. A pointless, mind-numbing list of questions none of you needed answers to.

..........

1. Where were you 3 hours ago?

In St. Benet's, serving my time in study hall -_-

2. Who are you in love with?

CJS, the silly goofball he is. But quite honestly, I am also completely and utterly in love with my best friends.

3. Have you ever eaten a crayon?

Not that I know of, although little Maya coulda had real questionable culinary taste back in the day...

4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

My water bottle is more of a magenta but sure, let's go with pink.

5. When is the last time you went to the mall?

Uhhhh not really sure...? Must've been close to a month ago, maybe?

6. Are you wearing socks right now?

YES I AM AND THEY'RE FUZZY AND THEY HAVE FOX FACES ON THEM.

7. Does your family have a car worth over $2,000?

I don't know the first thing about cars and I don't pay the least attention to prices and brands.

8. When was the last time you drove out of town?

Um. Well. Ya see. I can't drive, so.

9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?

No and that makes me incredibly sad.

10. Are you hot?

Wow. If we're talking temperature right now, I'll go with heck yeah.

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?

AGUA!!! Gotta keep the bod hydrated, chafeel? ;)

12. What are you wearing right now?

A light blue Henley, my glasses, the Abbey's classic grey sweatpants, and FOX SOCKS!

13. Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?

What an interesting question. I'm sure once I learn to drive and yaknow, OWN A CAR, I'll be able to answer that for ya.

14. Last food that you ate?

Girl Scout Thin Mints. Sue me. They're freakin' delicious.

15. Where were you last week at this time?

Exact same spot.

16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?

You think I actually have time to go out shopping? That's cute.

17. When is the last time you ran?

HA. From class to the dining hall. I've got my priorities straight.

18. What’s the last sporting event you watched?

What is a "sports"?

19. What is your favorite animal?

DOLPHINS <3 Although squirrels are seriously up there, the freakin' munchkins they are.

20. Your dream vacation?

A restaurant crawl through Italy.

21. Last person’s house you were in?

Probably Conor's?

22. Worst injury you’ve ever had?

Uhhhh well I sprained my groin pretty badly two years ago. It was not a good time.

23. Have you ever been in love?

Yes, sir, I have. It's terrifying and absolutely beautiful at the same time.

24. Do you miss anyone right now?

Mami and Papi, mostly. And Suki <3

25. Last play you saw?

The Children's Hour at The Gamm Theatre.

26. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?

You could ask CJS. I honestly have no clue.

27. What are your plans for tonight?

It's Thursday. I'm in bed. It's nearly midnight. What do you think I'm about to do?

28. Who is the last person you sent a MySpace message or comment?

So uh, the thing is, MySpace can only be found within the ancient fossils of the interwebs. And I am a mere young'un. 

29. Next trip you are going to take?

Shipping up to Boston for Berklee 2k17. Get HYPED!

30. Ever go to camp?

I've gone to several. Most were miserable experiences.

31. Were you an honor roll student in school?

Yes, indeed.

32. What do you want to know about the future?

WHAT KIND OF DOG WILL I HAVE WHEN I'M MARRIED OHMYGOD I NEED TO KNOW

33. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?

Not at the moment, no.

34. Are you due sometime this year for a doctor’s visit?

Probably. My mom kinda takes care of all of that...

35. Where is your best friend?

Scattered around all different parts of the world.

36. How is your best friend?

What does that even mean? They're good, I guess?

37. Do you have a tan?

I'm the lightest Latina you'll ever come across.

38. What are you listening to right now?

The Yoga & Meditation playlist on Spotify.

39. Do you collect anything?

Playbills. I'm a real theatre nerd, I know.

40. Who is the biggest gossiper you know?

Mrant Batthews anyone?

41. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?

Once again, I DO NOT ADULT YET.

42. Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?

I guesso? Not typically, though.

43. What does your last text message say?

"FUCK IT'S OUT" -Claire

44. Do you like hot sauce?

Ew no no no.

45. Last time you took a shower?

Yesterday evening I think?

46. Do you need to do laundry?

Heck yes. I've missed two weeks already; I'm living in a pig sty.

47. What is your heritage?

Dominican-American and proud :)

48. Are you someone’s best friend?

I should hope so.

49. Are you rich?

In many ways, yes. In many other ways, no.

50. What were you doing at 12AM last night?

Tossing and turning because of this wicked head cold that's decided it's never gonna go away.

..........

There you have it, folks. A pointless post created for the mere intention of keeping me entertained for a brief period of time.

Anyway, I hope you're all feeling healthier than me.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya