Part of it is because I've been distracting myself by watching wedding vlogs. Wedding vlogs make me immensely happy. I need the distracting because if I lie awake too long tossing and turning, I'll remember how hungry I am. And I just cannot afford to be hungry right now. I had dinner already and that is that.
It's frustrating even to write this. I dunno. The past week, I've had 1 1/2 meals each day. There's only so much food left in the house and my dad and I have to make it stretch, so I really can't be pigging out on snacks any time I get bored. I know how I get when I get hungry, so I've avoided feeling it as often as I can. A good way to do this is by falling asleep, because when you're asleep, you can't know or feel how hungry you are, thus, a good two more meals are saved.
Needless to say, I spent a good portion of this week sleeping. And filling out financial aid forms for college. And sleeping. And washing dishes to pass the time. And sleeping.
My dad's been extra busy helping Javi out with his boarding school applications so he hasn't really had a lot of time to focus on me, or himself for that matter. And I mean, it'll be over soon, I guess, what with deadlines and due dates coming up. Anyway.
It's never a good feeling to know the person you depend on is not doing too hot. This I know because financial aid forms are very nosy and I was required to ask my dad some invasive questions. Living with a parent who struggles with mental illness is difficult. He knows this. He knows that I know this. And just like anyone with a mental illness (myself included) he has his good days and his bad days. I feel like my job is to make sure there are more good days than bad.
My dad is pretty high functioning, all things considered. Just not when it comes to your basic everyday things like making his bed and doing the dishes and taking out the trash and getting us food.
Very few times in my life have I opened the fridge door just as my stomach gurgled, only to find it completely empty (and this is just a testament to my privilege, I am thankful I have experienced this only a very few times). All that was left inside was our water pitcher and an empty jar of mayo. Deciding I needed to eat soon lest I crave the early onset of a migraine, I scoured the cupboards for anything left since my brothers departed after the holidays. In this search, I found a can of tuna, a can of corn, some rice and some soup. I laid all the items out on the counter so my dad could see, strongly hinting that we needed to go grocery shopping ASAP.
Very few times in my life have I also needed to ransack my house for spare change, just to go get food. I looked at my dad, handing over the four bucks and eighty-six cents I searched all over my room for. That left us with a total of $26.86 to go shopping with. Something was something.
Again, writing this is infuriating. Because with every word I write, I feel like a privileged fucking hog who grew up in a white castle with unicorns and rainbows and butterflies. And maybe I did. That's not to say I wasn't aware of poverty—growing up in the Dominican Republic couldn't shelter you from that. But I lived a comfortable fucking life. And god bless me for that. I thank my lucky stars I was born into a nice enough family whose sole priority was our education and that we were loved. I am so lucky.
What I can say is nothing, absolutely nothing in this world can prepare you for when that rug gets tugged right out from under your feet. Sure, you think you'd know what to do if you were in a similar situation but until it happens to you, holy shit dude, you have no fucking idea.
And so I convinced my dad to go grocery shopping with the last of our cash. Because we needed to. So we got milk and eggs and bread and some other things I forget, knowing that we probably won't go shopping for another long while. That is, unless he reaches out to my mom for support.
Having divorced parents who are weird about money really fucking sucks.
This is all just a long-winded bitching rant to say that it's almost 2am on a Monday morning and I'm the kind of hungry where your stomach feels like it's eating itself and might kill you.
This wasn't meant to worry you all. Or, I dunno. You can think what you like. This is just how my life is going right now and you can think of it what you will.
We're gonna be fine, things are just shitty right now. It's okay.
I love you guys very much and sincerely hope you are doing well.
Hasta la próxima,
Much love xoxo
Maya
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