Amalgamation

Sup.

I haven't been able to write for months. I mean, I've tried. But I never ended up finishing any of the posts I meant to write and so I've been left with an amalgamation of sorts. I thought I'd share them anyway.

..........

It's been exactly one month since I turned twenty and one month since I last saw all my Vassar friends. It's been a month since I had possessions that existed outside of a carry-on suitcase and a month since things started to go downhill.

It's hard to believe that a month ago, I was still convinced I'd be going back to school in two weeks' time; that I'd spend a week touring Chicago with my a cappella group; that I'd get to go back to my room and spend quality time with Jessica, with Charlotte & Leila; that I'd get to crash Evan's room so we could blow out our very late birthday candles; that I'd finally be able to go on a real date with the guy I was trying not to crush on for months.

..........

Heya.

It's late, I know. 

Bit nauseous, bit of a headache. Can't seem to sleep. Just one of those nights, I suppose. 

I'm in a mood I think. There were excellent parts to this week and parts I wish I could forget. My anxiety's been real bad.

..........

Hi friends <3

I meant to write something in the month of October but it seemed to have escaped me. The days dragged on, each one feeling longer than the last. A blur of nightmares, skipped meals, and incomplete assignments. My friends are gems, though. We're all just trying to make it through. Only three weeks til home.

Rip so I wrote that weeks ago

..........

I dunno what's wrong. I mean I should know what's wrong. I'm pretty sure I know what's wrong. I haven't taken my meds for a week. That would do it. It wasn't exactly on purpose. I dunno. Maybe it was. Maybe I'm self-sabotaging again. Maybe my brain doesn't want me to succeed. 

I'm in the middle of a Dungeons and Dragons game at the moment. Should I be paying attention? Probably. I'm trying to. I want to. I also can't shake the need to violently vomit. Withdrawals, probably. Oh, and the Big Sads. That, too.

Being home is hard. It's a lot. It's knocked me down lower than I thought it would. I can't wait to go back home. Real home. School. Where my friends will be. Where I want to be. 

I want to be okay. I want my brain to stop scrambling. I want to feel okay in my body. I don't want to hate being alive. 

I'm trying my best to feel like an interesting person. Like I can be good at things. Like I might have talents. Like I might not be mediocre. The company I keep is hard to beat. Not that there's anything to beat. I'm proud of them. I appreciate them. I love them for who they are. I'm just not them. Or anywhere near them. I want to like myself. 

I'm so tired all the time. My body hurts all the time. I think it thinks I'm fighting a bear every day. Or getting hit by a bus. Or battling the flu. My bones hurt. My muscles ache. My head throbs. My stomach churns. Why do mental poisons seep so deeply into our bodies?

..........

Hi there darlings.

I know the holiday season can be extremely difficult for some of us. It certainly is for me. Whatever your reason may be, I want to make sure you know you are loved and cherished and cared for, if not by anyone else, then by you. Be your own best supporter this holiday season (it's also a-okay to ask for help when you need it.)

..........

It was so bad. The screaming just never stopped. I just wanted to have a good Christmas. A good anything, really. Family isn't supposed to cause you this much pain. It isn't it isn't it isn't. Only a little more and then I'll be home home again. 

..........

We broke up. It was the right choice.

..........

A civil war? In this economy?

..........

HEY BITCHES!

Things have been kinda... good lately? Food has been more stable and fun (I get to cook a lot of it) and my brothers have been nice to me which is unheard of. My dad's about the same but we've binge-watched a lot of shows with my brothers like His Dark Materials and Peaky Blinders and Ink Master. It's been nice. My cats have each slept in my room more so, yaknow, maybe they love me after all. LINNEA ADOPTED A DOG! AND SHE'S NAMING HIM MONET! LIKE A BALLER! And he's going to be my little nephew I am so excited. I started knitting again (thanks to Jessica crocheting boob triangles) and I started collaging again (thanks to an identity crisis.) Oh also JESSICA FINALLY GOT HER ROOM ASSIGNMENT AND SHE'S JUST DOWN THE HALL FROM ME I AM SO BEYOND EXCITED TO SQUEEZE THAT WOMAN AGAIN! And also we finally watched The Warriors (her and her dad's fave movie to watch together, so I think I'm part of the family now.) I'm hella fucking nervous for school to start again because I still don't have my class schedule ahahaha but hopefully the imposter syndrome stops getting to me and I'll actually feel like I belong at Vassar. Oh, and I've made tiktoks? I dunno, man... I'm a new woman or whatever.

..........

Aaaaaand that concludes all the things I meant to write but never finished (minus the Thanksgiving and New Years' posts, those will have to wait.) I know it's not much but I guess you can at least see the progression of my different mental states or something? Wack. Anyway.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Temporary Relief Part 3

And we're back with some more nonsense. Enjoy :)

..........

1. What's the best stress reliever you know?

Being near animals (preferably ones that love you) or listening to Potterless :)

2. What's the happiest song ever written?

Three Little Birds by Bob Marley. It's also the saddest song I know.

3. If you were guaranteed to be 20% happier, could you give up TV forever?

I mean, I haven't watched cable since I was probably around nine years old but if you're referring to all the Netflix and Hulu and Amazon and HBO series that exist in the world, hell no, I would never give those up. Art is my life source. I don't care how much happier I could be without it.

4. Would you rather deal with a problem head-on or avoid it forever?

Uhhhhhh you know me and my conflicts... If I could make them disappear with no real consequences, that'd be pretty neat.

5. Do you spend more time socializing through the computer or in the company of friends?

The thing is I'm blessed enough to have friends all over the world so I may not always be in the same immediate area as them. Whenever I am able to be in their physical company though, of course I would take advantage of that. It would be foolish of me not to.

6. Do you worry more about the little or the big things?

It's the little things that become big things more often than not, no?

7. Is the richest person you know significantly happier than you?

Lmao probably. The things good healthcare can get you, I'm just sayin'...

8. What's the best music to exercise with?

Oooo great question. I tend to pull out my Latin dance remixes, those never fail. But I guess one could never go wrong with a good Dua Lipa or Ariana Grande jam.

9. Are you an open book?

Annoyingly, yes.

10. What were three of your favorite moments today?

Booping Phoenix on the nose, buying Platanitos at TJ Maxx, and watching Schitt's Creek with Natasha.

11. What's a great memory you have of a stranger giving you assistance?

When I was fourteen years old, I was stalked, harassed and verbally assaulted by a grown man while on a flight, and then later through the connecting airport. Since I was an unaccompanied minor, an employee was assigned to watch over me as I made my connecting flight. This beautiful, warm, angel of a Jamaican woman saw to it that the man was taken away by security and proceeded to hug me close to her chest, wiping away my tears as I shook with the fear from it all. Most of the attacks made were about my identity and the lady took my face in both her hands to tell me no one will ever have the right to tell me who I am—only I define that. It has stuck with me ever since.

12. What smell reminds you of childhood?

Nesquick chocolate milk, sizzling garlic and onions, and saltwater air.

13. Are you willing to ask for help when you need it?

I'd like to think I'm better about that now.

14. Where would you volunteer if you had a free day tomorrow?

Ideally, there are so many places I'd love to give a helping hand to. Realistically, my current option would probably be an animal shelter <3

15. What was the most creative time of your life?

Every time I never wanted to see the light of day again.

16. How much energy do you spend seeking appreciation versus giving it?

I'm hoping it's an even split but quite honestly, I love praise whoops ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

17. What's the most persuasive outside influence on your life?

Cooler weather. Seriously.

18. Do you ever feel guilty for being happy?

All the time.

19. What's your favorite daydream?

A happy, healthy, stable life void of excess suffering.

20. What was the best vacation you ever took?

Ireland, babeyyyyy!!!

21. Who's the most optimistic person you know?

My Abuelo. He's seen it all and he still chooses love and life every time.

22. What's the best way you've found to deal with criticism?

Taking a step back to reflect on the source and where it might be coming from.

23. How do you unnecessarily spend money?

On anything that smells good, ever lol

24. What do you know that can be happy in any situation?

Ice cream doesn't fix everything, but it certainly makes things better.

25. Who has the most beautiful smile in the world?

My dad :)

..........

Just a few things to keep the unpleasantries at bay.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Temporary Relief Part 1

Hi friends.

I haven't been able to bring myself to write in quite some time. Due to everything going on in the world (and in my own life), it just didn't seem right. For a number of reasons, I've found it quite difficult to do anything for myself, even writing on this blog. The thought of doing anything for myself in light of recent events has only riddled me with guilt because it leaves me feeling empty, like I'm not doing enough, like I'm not contributing enough and I shouldn't spend time on myself when there are more pressing matters at hand. And while part of me still feels that way, I've realized how important it is to take care of myself and to do things for myself even in the midst of all this chaos and tragedy—because if I don't, there will be none of me left to fight. So if that means writing easy, mindless puff pieces in addition to signing petitions and donating where I can and re-educating myself on issues of systemic racism, then so be it (and I encourage you all to do the same! if you are able to attend protests, please do so safely!)

Anyway.

I discovered some "conversation starter cards" in my living room a while ago (courtesy of Natasha lol) and thought I'd give them a go. Since there are quite a few questions, I thought I'd split them into a couple different posts so as not to overwhelm you or myself :)

1. Would you choose to be 20% better-looking if it made you 20% less happy?

Probably not. I already have low-enough days... I don't need them to be any lower lol

2. Do your morals ever get in the way of your happiness?

Oh, definitely. Not often, but there are times where the easier, immoral option is the quickest road to happiness and yet I have to stop myself if I feel like keeping my integrity.

3. What quote do you live by?

Rest in Distress.

-Evan Rubenzahl

Lmao jk I have a handful. But the one I tend to come back to over and over again is "Have courage and be kind." Who knew Cinderella would have the answers on how to live my life ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

4. Is happiness over-rated?

Absolutely not.

5. What made each of your past pets special?

Oh boy, there were quite a few so I dunno if I'll be able to remember them all! There were the cannibal snails; the rescued baby bird;  Roger the Hamster named after the iconic Mr. Rogers; Gato and Bachi, my parents' first set of cats; the mysteriously disappearing frogs; Sandy the Prize Turtle who we thought was a boy but was actually a girl; probably several fish that have vanished from memory; Bernie & Phyllis, my precious sassy old rescue kitties; Suki the peanut chihuahua-terrier, who is the love of my life but such an old little woman now; Nutella the warm, adorable slobbery bulldog pup; and finally, Phoenix & Scout, my current demonically playful, astonishingly needy (and loud) kittens adopted from South Salem, New York.

6. Do you think it's easier to be happy when you don't have as many choices?

It can be. Ignorance is bliss and all that jazz.

7. Are you letting any of your gifts go to waste?

I mean, I hope not. I'm assuming gifts here means "natural talents" or something like that? Each of my "talent" inclinations has always fallen in the artistic realm but I haven't necessarily had the means to pursue them as in-depth as I'd like. Dance/voice/music lessons are not cheap, my dudes. I know I have skills there, I just need to figure out how to harness them fully.

8. Which bad habits could you cut out that would help you sleep better?

I'm not even gonna go there. Insomnia can go fuck itself.

9. What do you sometimes take for granted?

Probably my friends' kindness. They are too good to me and I do not deserve them <3

10. What is contributing a surprising amount of happiness to your life these days?

Not all that surprising, but Phoenix & Scout have stolen my entire heart and can get away with probably anything if they nuzzle me hard enough.

11. Have you ever tried to regularly take quiet time for yourself?

As an introvert, it's sorta hard to exist without it.

12. How often do you make a to-do list?

Ohmygod, every day.

13. What's the hardest thing for you to resist?

Persuasion.

14. What would you like to give up thinking about?

Student loans hahahaahhahahahahhaaaaaa

15. Which of your commitments is the hardest to keep?

I'm not entirely sure what this means but I guess anything school-related stresses me out the most and therefore I end up brushing things off until the last possible minute.

16. If you could wave a magic wand and one thing in your life would be checked off your to-do list what would you pick?

Any homework, ever. I love school and I love learning yall, but completing assignments? Not my area.

17. Do you accept what can't be changed?

Not always. I want to, though.

18. How can you be happier than you are right now?

If I could stick to a routine. I mean actually, really truly stick to a healthy routine to the point where it becomes second nature. But unfortunately, not much of my life has allowed for it.

19. Which locations are on your bucket list?

Colombia, Peru, El Salvador, Venezuela, Brazil, Chile, Cuba, Mexico, Scotland, The Netherlands, Portugal, France, Greece, Italy, Austria, Vietnam, Japan, Thailand, Australia, Nepal, China, The Philippines, Egypt, Lebanon, Nigeria, South Korea, Singapore, Bangladesh, Belgium, Switzerland, Norway, Denmark, Iceland... Man, the list could go on.

20. What are the three most important qualities you look for in a partner?

Compassion, humor & reliability.

21. What's the difference between pleasure and happiness?

I like to think of pleasure as a short-lived, immediate thing whereas happiness is more of a long-term, all-encompassing thing. 

22. Which area of your life needs the most organization?

My sleep schedule, holy shit.

23. Are you ever surprised by your own behavior?

Rarely. Usually, the surprise stems from the shock of my own self-restraint. I tend to be very impulsive when it comes to my emotions and the actions that follow them, so if I'm able to fight off some impulsive instincts, it's no small thing.

24. Who's the most surprisingly happy person you know?

All the ones I can think of are children, so... I dunno what that says about the adult world.

25. Do you have unnecessarily impossible standards?

For myself? Absolutely 100%. For others, not particularly.

..........

And there you have the first 25 questions, folks. If anything, I hope this brought some vague sense of levity to your own life before you go out and fight for change in this world (go do it! we need you!)

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Perhaps the First Good Year

Once again, I'm the worst. To be fair, though, this time I didn't have internet on the day it was meant to be posted sooooo.......... Pretend this was posted on December 31st lmao XD

You won't even believe it but this year was the beginning of good news. Good news! For me! That hasn't happened for me in years, and that is not an exaggeration. Anyhow, this post was a lot more fun to write this time because it wasn't the same old depressing bullshit. At least for the most part.

1. What did you do in 2019 that you'd never done before?

Hmm, I'm trying to remember... Oh right. I FINISHED MY FIRST EVER FULL SEMESTER OF COLLEGE!!! FUCK YEAH!!! I also became a waitress for the first time, got fired for the first time (from that same job lol), became a dogwalker and a babysitter simultaneously, initiated my first ever breakup (that's huge for me, I've never been the one to initiate the split), I learned how to cartwheel, how to change a tire, I had my first ever successful hookup, I stood up to men who thought they could get away with treating me condescendingly and coercively, I performed in community theatre for the first time, I adopted KITTIES!, I became the primary caretaker/financial supporter in my household for a period of time, I experienced hunger, I overcame said hunger along with a bunch of other challenges and now I am here :)

2. Did you keep your New Years Resolutions and will you make more for next year?

I think I remember saying all I wanted for myself was self-compassion. It wasn't always easy but dear God, I think I finally am starting to get the hang of it. Next year, I want to continue on that track but also try to develop some more healthy day-to-day routines. Nothing should be more of a priority than my health.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My cousin Alex and his wife Chelsea had their first child together, Xander, and he's the cutest little nugget there ever was. Also, WE ADOPTED TWO INSANELY CRAZY AND ADORABLE CATS AND I'M OVER THE MOON ABOUT IT.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Mike Meads was in the year below me and even though I'd never been close to him, his death was unexpected and tragic and hurt many lives. Then Mary Oliver, Luke Perry, and Cameron Boyce, other untimely tragedies that shook my soul more than I thought they would. It was also the first anniversary of Titi's death. That was hard.

5. What countries did you visit?

US and DR, baby. I'm a predictable bitch.

6. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019?

I think just more financial security and the ability to find consistent routines that work for me.

7. What dates from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

January 5th. Send in college apps.
January 6th. YD goes to Rome.
January 22nd. First day waitressing.
February 9th. Visit Evan and Linnea <3
February 11th. First (initiated) breakup.
February 14th. Margaritowlville!
February 16th. Freaky Friday.
February 23rd. Meet Noah!
March 6th. Last teen year.
March 9th. Into the Spiderverse.
March 17th. Doña Flor y Sus Dos Maridos.
April 1st. Vassar says yes!
April 5th. NEWSIES.
April 11th. First time getting fired :/
April 20th. Dogsit for Shea.
April 24th. Hadestown <3
April 25th. Change a tire.
May 5th. Seussical.
May 10th. Les Mis.
May 18th. Nat's Dance Recital!
May 26th. Babies' graduation!
May 27th. Brunch Reunion w/ Fonts, Claire & Clara.
June 8th. Minigolf with CJ, NJ + Matt.
June 14th. WIFE!!!
June 21st. Whose Live Is It Anyway w/ The Martins.
June 30. Pride with Kota.
July 6th. RIP Cameron Boyce <3
July 12th. Spiderman: Far From Home.
July 30th. Marshland Conservancy.
August 6th. Kitty Adoption Day!
August 22nd. Vassar Round 2.
August 30th. Titi <3
September 15th. Owl Sing-Ins!
October 10th. Still.
October 11th. The Flick.
October 31st. O'Hysteria.
November 13th. Summertime/Wintertime.
November 22nd. Safe Hands.
November 23rd. Nina.
December 4th. Fun Home.
December 12th. Owls Final Concert.
December 14th. Beats Final Concert.
December 19th. Beats Suite Christmas.
December 20th. Return to the island.
December 21st. The Big Chop.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I somehow managed to make myself my number 1 priority. It didn't always work and there definitely were times where I had to put my family first but at least I didn't fall into the trap of needing a companion to get me through it all. I was there to get me through it all. I was capable and strong and determined and I was enough.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I don't really like to think of anything as a failure because from our mistakes, we learn. I would have liked to continue and get through my Fundamentals of Music class, but ultimately I made the right decision in withdrawing. It was sucking up all my energy and time and was wrecking my mental health so I'm glad I let it go.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Oh goodness, my immune system has never been the strongest and after working so closely with kids so often, you pick up all their gross little germs. Needless to say, I was pretty consistently sick for about half of this year. Finished the year off with a month and a half long bout of bronchitis :)

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Tickets to Hadestown. Wouldn't have traded them for the world.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My usual go-to's, Linnea and Evan—I seriously don't know what I'd do without them; my cousin Natasha who is the older sister I never had; Papi for breaking the cycle that had been eating at him for the past five years; and my lovely roommate Jessica, who made coming back to school the most fun ever.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?

So many people in power. It's nauseating, really.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Groceries, rent, medical bills. That's what life as a real adult is like.

15. What did you get really, really excited about?

Seeing Hadestown with my dad as our joint birthday present :) Performing Newsies with a cast of unbelievably amazing people. Adopting two precious kitties <3 Rejoining the path of college education. Getting to sing with my Night Owls once more. Watching professional-grade theatre for free because my college's drama department slaps. The new Dominican food place down the street from my dorm.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2019?

Señorita by Camila Cabello & Shawn Mendes
Old Town Road by Lil Nas X
I BEEN BORN AGAIN by BROCKHAMPTON
bad guy by Billie Eilish
7 rings by Ariana Grande
Sucker by Jonas Brothers
Lights Up by Harry Styles
Dancing With a Stranger by Sam Smith ft Normani
Circles by Post Malone
If I Can't Have You by Shawn Mendes
Dance Monkey by Tones and I
Juice by Lizzo
bury a friend by Billie Eilish
break up with your girlfriend, im bored by Ariana Grande
DDU-DU DDU-DU by BLACKPINK
Beautiful People by Ed Sheeran
Watermelon Sugar by Harry Styles
Cool by Jonas Brothers
BOY BYE by BROCKHAMPTON
Tempo by Lizzo ft Missy Elliot
Movement by Hozier
2 by H.E.R.
Greedy by Ariana Grande
Earth by Lil Dicky
Nightmare by Halsey
Kill This Love by BLACKPINK
Con Calma by Daddy Yankee
Back Pocket by Vulfpeck
365 by Zedd ft Katy Perry
Boys by Lizzo
bloodline by Ariana Grande
Exactly How I Feel by Lizzo ft Gucci Mane
Grow As We Go by Ben Platt
NO HALO by BROCKHAMPTON
i'm so tired by Lauv ft Troye Sivan
Truth Hurts by Lizzo
Funky Duck by Vulfpeck
MONOPOLY by Ariana Grande ft Victoria Monét
Mount Everest by Labrinth
Level Up by Ciara
Go DJ by KAYTRANADA ft SiR
The Box by Roddy Rich
thank u, next by Ariana Grande
Down Bad by Dreamville ft JID, J. Cole, EARTHGANG, Young Nudy
Need It by KAYTRANADA ft Masego
Solita by Kali Uchis
Fred Astaire by Jukebox The Ghost
Que Calor by Major Lazer ft J Balvin & El Alfa
All For Us by Labrinth ft Zendaya
Narcos by Migos
MALAMENTE by ROSALIA
151 Rum by JID
Hold Up by Beyoncé
Stop Your Crying by Lake Street Drive
Trampoline by SHAED ft ZAYN
River by Leon Bridges
i love you by Billie Eilish
Obsessed by Mariah Carey
Hey DJ by CNCO ft Yandel
Undrunk by FLETCHER
Teeth by 5 Seconds of Summer
hot girl bummer by blackbear
16 shots by Steffon Don
Lalala by Y2K, bbno$
Callaita by Bad Bunny ft Tainy
Don't Call Me Angel by Ariana Grande, Miley Cyrus ft Lana del Rey
California Dreamin' by The Mamas & The Papas
Jailbreak the Tesla by Injury Reserve by Aminé
I THINK by Tyler, The Creator
715 Creeks by Bon Iver
Good Kisser by Lake Street Drive
My Type by Saweetie
Jesus Is The One (I Got Depression) by Zack Fox, Kenny Beats

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

(a) Definitely happier. Without a doubt.
(b) Probably fatter lol Gaining muscle is exhausting.
(c) I think richer but it certainly doesn't feel like it what with all the adulting.

18. What do you wish you had done more of?

Enjoying the moment. Feeling confident in my abilities. Writing.

19. What do you wish you had done less of?

It may come as no surprise to you but worrying. It's time-consuming and unnecessary. Things work out in the end, not always the way we want them to but they do.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Uneventfully at my mom's apartment in DR surrounded by my fam.

21. Did you fall in love in 2019?

I'd like to say I learned how to fall in love with myself.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Where do I even start? Here are the ones that come to mind:

Dead to Me
Derry Girls
Scrubs
Riverdale
Friends (I watched all 10 seasons in about three weeks oops)
Euphoria
Barry
His Dark Materials
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
Queer Eye
Stranger Things (duh)
The Act
Schitt's Creek

23. Do you hate someone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Ooooooof sometimes men as a whole make me real mad. I'll just leave that there.

24. What was the best book you read?

I'm forgetting which books I read this year and which I read last year so I'm hoping these are accurate? I think it was a pretty good year for reading :)

Beautiful Broken Things
My Heart and Other Black Holes
Zac & Mia
Reincarnation Blues
Prince Charming
The Sun is Also A Star
Milk & Honey
Rainbow in the Cloud
Gmorning Gnight
Real Women Have Curves
Make Your Home Among Strangers
The Farming of Bones
Where the Crawdads Sing
The Sun & Her Flowers

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Ben Platt's Sing Me To Sleep
KATRANADA's BUBBA
Harry Styles's Fine Line
Ariana Grande's thank u, next
BROCKHAMPTON's GINGER
Fun Home Soundtrack
Hadestown Soundtrack
Vanara the Musical Soundtrack

26. What did you want and get?

A speck of stability which I didn't ever think I'd get in the next few years.

27. What did you want and not get?

Inner family peace but we're working on it.

28. What was your favorite film of the year?

As always, there is never one single answer:

Avengers: Endgame
Joker
The Lighthouse
Spiderman: Far From Home
Captain Marvel
The Lion King
Little
Always Be My Maybe
Downton Abbey
After (lmaoooooo)
Let It Snow
Klaus <3

I have yet to see:

Hustlers
Rocketman
Aladdin
Judy
The Two Popes
Good Boys
Honeyland
Peanut Butter Falcon
booksmart
Toy Story 4
Missing Link

29. What is one thing that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Quality time with my dad, my brothers, Natasha, the kitties... And getting beyond lucky when it came to my sweet hallmates and roommate :)

30. How would you describe your fashion concept in 2019?

Comfy girl-next-door

31. What kept you sane?

ASMR. Kiddos. My best friends.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Wow um cool if Hunter Shafer wants to accept my hand in marriage, I would be over the moon <3 Then again, I've got my usual suspects: Zendaya, Tom Holland, Ana de Armas, Lana Condor, Noah Centineo, Joey King, Cole Sprouse, Billie Eilish, Reeve Carney, Eva Noblezada, Ben Platt, Harry Styles, and of course, Lizzo.

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

Sigh. 2019 was not unique in its growing cases of hate and violence. Between the mass shootings, the numerous cases of transphobia, islamophobia, and anti-semitism, the blatant acts of terrorism, raging fires, families being separated and children being put in cages... I just have no words. It is each and every one of our responsibility to be better. This world cannot improve on its own—it is imperative that we step in and make every little tiny difference we can.

34. Who do you miss?

My mom. Suki. My grandparents. My brothers. Phoenix and Scout. Evan & Linnea.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019.

You have courage made of steel, babe. You are made of bravery and determination and perseverance. You are made of stars and exploding galaxies and the Sun and the Moon. There is absolutely nothing you can't do if you put your mind to it. I have every faith that you will succeed. I love you I love you I love you.

36. Quote a song lyrics that sums up your year:

"Woo girl, need to kick off your shoes
Got to take a deep breath, time to focus on you
All the big fights, long nights that you been through
I got a bottle of Tequila I been saving for you
Boss up and change your life
You can have it all, no sacrifice
I know he did you wrong, we can make it right
So go and let it all hang out tonight"

"Good as Hell" by Lizzo

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: Happy Birthday a billion days late Maeve, my dear <3

The Longest I've Ever Stayed

I've been meaning to post this for a hella long time but I got caught up in things. oops...

As of last week, it would have been exactly two years since I left Vassar. So, technically speaking, this is the longest I've stayed at college ever. Like ever ever. And I dunno, I'm pretty proud of that :)

We're already more than halfway through the semester so I have quite a bit to catch you up on (I promise I'll try to be as brief as I can possibly stand.)

First, maybe I'll introduce you to some people:

Jessica is my roommate. My crazy, demented, neurotic, hilarious, brilliant, talented, kindhearted roommate. Living with her is such a blessing. I seriously could not pick two more opposite people in terms of interests, but holy shit do our living habits coincide. Some highlights of our roommate arrangement: the time Jessica spent 45 minutes recounting the entire plot of Shrek to us; the time Jessica baked two entire pies from scratch for our fellow group; the time I lit a candle that made our room smell like heaven on earth; the time we taught Garret how to put on a bra; the time Jessica got us both pumpkins and we named them Linus and Jackie (short for Ja-que-line); the time we both got high off of eating too many corn dogs and proceeded to cry-laugh for two straight hours; the time we accidentally almost watched porn in the Deece; the time we got caught up in gang shit; the time we both were avoiding contact with a certain boy; the time JESSICA BROUGHT BACK A RICE COOKER (now we can make rice in our room anytime we want woohoo). Anyway, you get the picture.

Gabby is our student fellow (at Vassar, they're basically our RA's except they can't get us into trouble, they're just there to look out for us and be our mentors and such). Gabby is a riot and a half. Beautiful, hilarious, loving, talented, avocado-bearing mother. She's been such a great help and is always such a joy to see around. Much love mom!!! xoxo

Our hallmates (otherwise known as our fellow group) are Charlotte, Leila, Garret, Miles, Robin, and Sara. Every single one of them is so wonderfully unique and silly in their own way. Jessica and I truly lucked out. These peeps are simply the greatest. (To prove to you how freaking much we love each other, we've decided entirely by our own free will that we want to have group dinners on Saturday nights).

Then we've got our newest Owl babies!!! Our nest was joined this year by Madison (love of my life), Eloise (witty queen), and Cameron (genuine goddess). The three of them have been such a lovely addition to the group and their voices are so gorgeous they make me *cry*

Of course, I've still been seeing a lot of Linnea and Evan though it's almost as if we're living in different hemispheres half the time. Schedules are some total bullshit. (I love that I've become an honorary member of the Beats suite—where Linnea lives with Juliana and Martin—because I get full access to a WHOLE ASS PUPPER AND HAMSTER!)

Speaking of schedules tho, I've had a pretty rad semester. Like, luck doesn't even cut it when it comes to how amazing my schedule turned out. I'm taking all classes I ADORE. Among them, I get to go to the gym and get credit, I get to learn special behind the scenes effects that go into theatre, I get to put on mini play productions every single week, I get to work my ass off learning music theory, and I get to ramble to my heart's content about intersectional feminism in Latin America. I could not be more hecking blessed.

My advisor Maria is in the History department (lmao) but she has been such a great help to me in figuring out what I want to do and which paths I'd like to take. Alongside her, I have to credit MaryJo (the head of the educational opportunity and accessibility office) who kept me from drowning underwater and to my therapist Barbara for keeping me afloat. Without them, I'd be so fucking lost. Like, without a doubt.

Oh! And guess what else? I love my job! For work-study, I work at the local nursery school and it is truly the most fun, rewarding, exhausting job I have ever had. I am so lucky to be there and to be learning from some of the most devoted and brilliant teachers in the school.

I should 100% be asleep right now so I'm gonna try to wrap this up yikes

Overall, I am having one hell of a good time. All the things that could possibly have gone right for me this time, have. I'm not trying to jinx it or anything, but I dunno. This time around feels different. I feel so much more ready for college and everything ahead of me than ever before. I'm excited about what I'm doing, I'm excited about where I'm going. Things are finally looking up. Despite all the difficult things and everyday obstacles, I am finally capable of slaying the hell out of them. Before I know it, it'll be the end of this semester and we'll be reaching into the next one.

And once more, since I should very much be asleep right now, Carpe Noctum.

Hasta la próxima!

Much love xoxo

Maya

Vibes

Vibes
by Maya Wilson

You feel like jumping in puddles while wearing yellow rainboots.
You feel like extra gooey smores.
You feel like bare feet running through grass.
You feel like a pile of clean laundry that was left out so you snuggle and sleep on top of it.
You feel like when cats rub up against your legs.
You feel like the dust particles you see floating through sunbeams.
You feel like kids running along the shore with sand pails in their hands.
You feel like when a ladybug lands on your nose.
You feel like defrosting your feet by a fire.
You feel like big splashes and ocean waves and rustling leaves and butterfly kisses.
That's sort of what it's like.

..........

I wrote this poem over the summer for Kota, a very special human being <3

Enjoy your spooky October!

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Here Are Some Things You Didn't Need

Evidently I am absolutely atrocious at keeping my word so.

Hello hi. I am still alive.

A great many random things are happening in my life at the moment. Among them:

• After MONTHS of waiting, I finally got my Vassar financial aid package and it ended up amounting to way more than I ever could have thought possible so I am VERY hyped.

• My cousin Natasha started living with us at the beginning of summer and it's been crazy weird to have somewhat of a pseudo older sister around all the time.

• After days/weeks of agonizing over dorms and roommates, I finally got my assignment last Thursday! Though initially bummed about my dorm, some dear friends of mine gave me hope and made me feel better about it.

• I've been babysitting practically nonstop the past few months and as much as I love it, HECK is it exhausting. I do love my kids tho. Very much so. My girls range from six months to eleven years old.

• I am the best sister ever and landed YD some quality paying gigs :)

• I pre-registered for fall semester classes a while back and I am itching to get my hands on my schedule because I wanna see if I got things I actually wanted.

• I forget if I mentioned but we're moving to Vermont??? Long story short, Tia Susan and Tio Bob got offered a wonderful position in Santa Cruz but don't wanna sell their VT house, so Papi is gonna take care of it for a couple of years (Natasha will for as long as she wants to stay there). YD and I will be going there during school breaks if nowhere else. Odd how the building that was never really our house is the closest feeling I have to home.

• Ali and Max will still be living at their own respective places in VT so I'll be happy happy happy to see them more often! :)

• I have made such a beautiful friend in Kota. They are such a bright, wonderful, loving soul. Funny how the universe blesses us in strange ways.

• I've become a tiny bit obsessive with lists and dorm decorating ideas? It's not that bad, I only have like 40 boards of it on Pinterest...

• In terms of moving to VT, Papi has wanted a lil baby kitty for quite some time now but wasn't given the opportunity to have one in New York. Fun fact––Tomorrow me, my dad, and the bros will be out and about searching for our forever kitty <3 I am BEYOND EXCITED!!!!!!

• I finally saw The Lion King in theaters with my fam and as shitty as its reviews were, I honestly liked it. Like, do I regret seeing it in theaters? No. Would I watch it again in theaters? No. For people expecting the same magic and nostalgia as the first one, this ain't it. For people expecting gorgeous artwork, outstanding vocals, and hilarious comedic improv, this hits all the marks. I told YD it sort of felt like a song cover but for a movie. Not a live-action remake, more of an HD hyper-realistic rendition of the artwork and not much messing around with anything else. For what it was, I enjoyed it. Watch it if only for the stunning art. Those artists deserve tons of credit.

• I also watched Avengers: Endgame sometime this summer and Spiderman: Far From Home. Let's just say ow my entire heart is in pain but it's fine. Everything's fine.

• Stranger Things season 3 came out after we waited FOREVER and I was not disappointed one bit. Like, some things coulda been different if I had my say but god bless those children I adore them.

• Sidenote, I'm super delirious right now and might be crashing pretty soon but I figured I should just write. Haven't done it in a while so it was time.

• My dear, sweet Cameron Boyce passed away at 20 and my heart ached for days. It still does. What joy he brought to my life. What joy he brought to the world. We will miss you every day of our lives. Rest easy, darling.

• I have so many things I could write about. I have so many things I should write about but my brain is a little heckin scrambled and it won't be worth trying to unjumble it right now.

• Packing is so wild. Like, I get in weird moods where I'll just do it for hours and hours and clean and organize and reorganize. I might have a problem.

• I'm so sleepy holy fuck

• My wife Megan got me hooked on the Irish show Derry Girls and season 2 just came out on Netflix I am so pumped.

• I still gotta jump on the Euphoria and Succession and Dear White People train. I'll get there. I just have tons of other things to start/finish first.

• There was a brief period of time recently where I was experiencing major medication withdrawal symptoms and let me tell you, I recommend that shit to exactly no one. Like. NADIE. Jesus fuck it was awful.

• Update: I am now also ravenous. Fuck me.

• I'm so excited to hoot with my Owls again and harass my twin Evan and hug my dear Linnea to death <3

• Making new memories is something I'm equally terrified and excited about. This needs to be a new chapter. A new page. A clean slate. I need a new beginning. I do I do I do.

I could probably go on but my eyes are closing and my stomach is gurgling so this is an adiós from me. But that sounds too final so this is more of a "Hablamos pronto. Cuídense. Los amo."

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

I Am

Hello hi hi hi I literally have two entire blogposts on hold that I started before this one (it has been impossible to come back to writing them for some reason) but the inspiration came to me (probably due to my own delirium) and I couldn't let it go #sorrynotsorry ;)

Anywayyyyy here's the piece I felt overwhelmingly compelled to write.

..........

I Am

by: Maya I. E. Wilson

I am not beauty, nor elegance, nor grace
Don't you dare speak my name
I am festering wounds
I am tumbling mouths
I am crumbs in the bedsheets, stale gum and plot holes
I am not softly falling rain
I am the hurricane
I am peppered on bruises
I am swollen tonsils and week-old stubble
I am talking hands and chipped nail polish and sand
I am sunburnt ego
I am too-large nose
I am too loud, too short, too proud
I am my mother's mistakes
I am my father's mistakes
I am above my past and I am forever grieving it
I am reaching for fireflies
I am making new histories
I am big, I am love, I am joy
I hold the entire world in my palms
I am the cracks on the sidewalk and the flowers that grow from them
I am freezing cold water and gasps for air
I am yearning for something that might not be there
I am not steady
I am not calm
I am not a product of everything wrong
I am kites flying high and piles of snow
I am not the rehearsal, I am the show
I am tuna melts and Yankee candles and pinky promises
I am tangles of ivy and Newport and clam chowder
I am frigid Novembers and colder Decembers and overweight Vermont turkeys
I am crackling knuckles and future arthritis
I am the dulce de leche my grandparents invited
I am the speeding sailboats and the swaying palm trees off the coast of California
I am the currents flowing through Río Ozama
I am the hymns from churches I've never been to
I am a New York sliced pizza and fights you've never been through
I am too scared of subways, too Hudson River,
too young and still too much of a giver
I am not the national anthem, I am not a prize to be won
I am the children's laughter at recess
I am the view from Pico Duarte
I am the unspoken progress
I am free time on a workday
I am the floors my mother slept on
I am the songs my father sang
I am my brothers' peace of mind
I am the help hotline you rang
I am the dream that never ended, the story always retold
I am terrified of staying, terrified of growing old

I am not fleeting, nor sudden, nor temporary.
I am present, ever constant, ever permanent.
Ever here.
Do not try to perfect me,
I am my own magnum opus.
You do not get to claim me.
I am not yours to be had.
I am mine and mine alone.
You got that?

..........

So I casually stayed up all night––it's currently 12pm (as in noon) and I have yet to fall asleep :-) I dunno, I felt this urgent call to write. Like, I just had to. It was gonna eat at me otherwise.

Would love to hear your thoughts <3

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S.: I'm reading this over right now and I don't know if it's the sleep deprivation but I am absolutely in love with it <3

My Extremely Riveting Life

Hi hi hi

So it's been a hot second since I last posted (was somewhat in a post-show depressive funk, as one does) but I just thought I'd ease your wild concerns and let you know that I've actually had some pretty cool things happen since the show ended.

I mean, their happening didn't really have anything to do with the show ending it just sorta coincided that way and just... Anyway.

I managed to read two entire horrifically depressing yet mildly uplifting books: My Heart & Other Black Holes as well as Beautiful Broken Things. In all honesty I preferred the latter. Felt a bit more realistic and was more about the complexities of teenaged friendship I guess? Good stuff.

I got to meet my uncle Joel's dogs and bring them to the dog park!!!

Also also also I managed to develop an extremely huge crush and have it squashed in three seconds flat so like that was super fun. It's okay though. I mean, I think it will be. I hope it will be. I still want us to be friends.

I got to spend time with my Newsies #yamily at a super yummy food place called Novelty Eats in the Bronx and also at our dear Matt's script reading for his new play. It was shockingly beautiful and truly something else.

Oh also I got to see Hadestown on Broadway with my dad as a joint birthday present for the two of us but that's something that I might need to reserve for a whole other post...

I finally got around to watching Christopher Robin because it happened to be on Netflix and I was not at all disappointed.

Got my first sunburn of the year over something really stupid.

Buying tickets for Avengers: Endgame was essential. We're watching it on Monday. Until then, zero spoilers or I will murder you.

I got to dogsit overnight at someone's apartment and it was such a cool experience. Shea the dog is such a fuckin cutie. I also get to dogwalk for this oldie Puggle named Chloe. Three times a week. It's a dream.

Other than that, I've really just been going to babysitting interviews (some involving some deeply overprotective and micromanaging parents...) and catching up on some annoying college financial aid stuff. The usual.

I think next week, me and my dad may attempt to go see my friend Ottavio's Seussical at his high school. He claims it's gonna be a disaster and a half, I think it's gonna be entertaining as hell. What can ya do.

OH! I ALMOST FORGOT!

I CHANGED MY FIRST EVER TIRE! AND DIAPER! BUT THE TIRE PART IS MORE IMPORTANT!

Lmao I mean I didn't really change the tire, my dad did, but I think it still counts. I helped elevate the car with the weird lever thingy and loosened the bolt things and held the new tire in place and tightened the other bolts and lowered the car again, etc. No big deal :)

Cool cool cool so that's been my update of the day.

Jesus, it's almost 2am. I seriously do not know how I keep doing this.

Anyhow, I love you all to pieces and I hope you get a daily dose of sunshine, metaphorical or not ;)

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Newsies Forever

Hi hi hi.

It's currently 1:30am and I have yet to go to bed. We only just got back from Newsies rehearsal a little while ago. Speaking of, the show is tomorrow (today technically) :) Three whole months of grueling work finally comes together in a live performance tomorrow evening and I could not be more excited. Like, yes, I'm fucking exhausted and I'm pretty sure I only have two functioning brain cells left, but also, this cast has worked so hard for so long and they deserve great things, including a sold out audience (which I'm pretty sure we're gonna have).

What's been so cool about this entire process is that we had no idea we would get here. My dad and I auditioned all the way back in January, knowing absolutely no one in the group and still pretty deep in our depressive slumps. Auditioning for this show was a way out. It was an opportunity to get us out of our shell and into the world, into meeting new and amazing people. And we did exactly that. This cast is full of some of the most humble, most kind and hardworking people I have ever met. Spending time with them each week has been a blessing. Now, we are mere hours away from our opening night and it has all come together (miraculously). We've celebrated at the end of each night this week with a group dance party––sweaty, disheveled and sore––but content, because at the end of the day, we're telling a story about overcoming the odds, and that's exactly what we've done. By the way, we put on a damn good show :)

My eyes are literally closing right now, partly due to fatigue, partly due to eyelash glue, but anyhow...

Chris, our director, has done such an amazing job of keeping the passion alive in this show. Passion is what drives the whole thing. Without it, the show collapses. Angelique, our choreographer, took people from all different dance backgrounds and made them somehow coordinated enough to perform difficult pieces in unison. Patrick, our sweet, kindhearted music director, gifted confidence to those who had never felt comfortable singing before. Anna, our stage manager, and Nico, our set and lighting designer, created simple yet captivating pieces that take us all the way back to 1899. Nicole, our photographer and resident mom, lent us her joyous enthusiasm and made sure we all looked good for the promo videos ;) Kelly, forever our #1 cheerleader, came to practically every rehearsal and got us through many late nights. Then of course there's my whole entire dysfunctional family of a cast.

Brian (Jack) and Jill (Hannah) who are our fearless leaders and also happen to be engaged (they're so cute together, I could die); the adults Robert (Pulitzer), Ahesha (Ms. Medda), Dennis (Mr. Jacobi), Joanie (Seitz), Eileen (Mz. Snyder), Drew (President Roosevelt), and my dad (Bunsen) who have zero clue what they're doing but make it work anyway; the eternal bromance, Matt (Finch) and Sean (Davey) who also happen to own falsettos unknown to any other person on the planet; my girls Frankie (Katherine), Victoria (Beauty), Amanda (Woman XD), Natalie (Tommy Girl) and Aleah (Beauty) who are the only source of femininity in this entire show and quite frankly are a breath of fresh air; then there's Jeffrey (Les), the thirteen-year-old who had us all convinced he was simultaneously eight and forty years old; my boys Justin (Newsie), Phil (Henry), Gino (Albert), Delon (Morris), Joseph (Elmer), Leo (Spot), Joey (Mush), David (Oscar), Maurice (Newsie), Brandon (Romeo), Danny A. (Newsie), and Marquis (Specs) who blow me away with their endless energy, talent, and dedication; the second bromance features my two beautiful boys Danny H (Bill) and Ottavio (Darcy) who light up an entire room just by being there; we have Torrey (Race) who happens to be in a long-term fiery relationship with Angelique and made the phrase "Not like this" unbelievably contagious; and last but not least, Chris-Action (not actually his name, but he played the character Action in West Side Story last fall and the name stuck even thought he hates it with every fiber of his being) playing the role of (Crutchie), and who also happens to be one of the most simultaneously dumb yet brilliant people I've ever met.

If you're still reading, I commend you because those were a lot of names to go through. I don't even know how I'M still here. Seriously. My eyelids are basically glued shut.

Sigh.

Point is, I love this cast very, very much and I can't believe I get to perform Newsies FIVE WHOLE TIMES with them!!! Like, that's just beyond awesome :) My family (Joel, Melissa, Natasha, John, & Gaby) is actually coming to see it this Saturday so that should be super awesome, especially seeing as most of them have never seen me or my dad perform live. Plus, LINNEA IS COMING TOO AND SHE IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE THE END.

I think my last brain cell just died so I'm gonna wrap this up and try not to trip and die on my way to bed.

Wish me luck and many broken legs for tomorrow y'all!

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Time Capsule

Hello hi all.

I was attempting to write an actual blogpost for this (and I promise it is coming... eventually) but realized it is far too late and I am way too under-caffeinated so I'm resorting to slightly-very-cringey-at-best post. In short, I dug up some old writing pieces from twelve year old Maya, as in, weirdly religious, uncontrollably emo yet optimistic, using words I didn't really know the meaning of Maya. Sure she had some insight about quite adult-y things back then but she also very well may have been tripping off lack of melatonin production.

(Just for reference, most of these were written the summer I was away at Phillips Andover for weird artsy prep-school summer camp. Hence the odd prompts and shit. Carry on.)

Anyway. Here goes.

..........

"We carry around our own exits"

         We are the ones who decide how we finish. We make the best out of life, out of our opportunities, and how we decide to behave is what is going to be remembered. We make our own marks on this earth. I believe that we should all try our best, even when we fail; at least we worked hard enough to say that we put effort into whatever we did. From the day we are born, we carry around our ending, and we just have to find it. Our purpose of living isn't just trying to find our end, but enjoying the journey along the way. We are born, and we travel this long journey that leads us closer and closer to our end, but sometimes we just need to be reminded that it will all be worthwhile if we make it that way."We carry around our own exits,"... Yeah, that sounds about right.

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

For whom do we express ourselves if not for ourselves?

   I usually ask myself the same question whenever I am about to make a decision: “Am I truly doing this for me, or am I trying to act like someone other than myself?”

   My parents have raised me to be my own person; they said it was okay to think and act differently, so long as I made smart choices.

   I always try my best to be confident in my own choices of thought and my own choices of action. I try my best not to let anyone tell me how I should live my life, or express myself.

   Everyone has their own moments of insecurity, when they try to be someone they’re not, or otherwise, they are pressured to. Of course, I’ve experienced those times when I just tried to fit in, where I’ve acted a little differently for the sake of people liking me, but I’m trying really hard to break that habit little by little.

   In conclusion, I am successfully trying harder every day to let loose and just be myself, no matter what people say. I am who I am; I was born that way.

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

...Last Glances...

Have you ever felt the urge to look at that person one last time, but you didn’t, and that one decision haunted you the rest of your life? Well, that disgusting feeling has touched me more than once, and it’s scary to move on and look ahead when I think about it. You’re unsure; you feel cheated, that it might’ve been necessary to take a last glance, but your foolish mind blindly ignored your first instinct.

   First deaths always hurt the most. Especially when you knew that person. Especially when you were close to that person. And then you try convincing your brain that it’s not true, and your whole body goes in denial. Then it starts going numb, and when you’re numb, you’re not supposed to feel the pain, but it hurts more than it ever has before. And you try hiding it, and you try getting over it, and you try to remember his face, and you try to remember the last time he smiled at you… Then it all seems real and it all feels gone, like all those moments spent with him were wasted, and then you feel guilty for not looking one last time, just so you could remember those smiling eyes, and messy, black hair, and goofy laugh. Just one last time… And then the feeling clings to you forever.  

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

Where I’m going...

   Where I’m going, it’s full of hills; grasslands cover all that is seen. Hills over hills, meadows over meadows; it all seems pretty endless. At dawn, the sky is a pale pink; rays of purple and orange seem to burst from the heavens, kissing the soft earth on the horizon. Sheep start to graze lazily as the big, bright sun illuminates the land around them. There, I can run free, not a care in the world, just wandering and admiring God’s creation. At noon, I’ll retreat to the nearby woods, dreaming underneath its shadows. I’ll speak with the squirrels, sing with the birds, care for the deer, and keep the trees company. Where I’m going, the dawn simply lulls into dusk, and the days seem blissfully endless. There’s no need for sleep, for my sleeping days will be over, so I’ll take my time and wander. A young fawn will keep me company as I count the stars in the sky, telling the youngling stories of my adventurous days. The fawn will go to sleep and the night owl will whisper its call, and I know it’s time to wake up. Though now, it’s a dream, I know I will get there; someday, I promise I will. My days will pass by, but it’ll all be worth it, for in the end, I’ll have eternal peace.

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

“The self is made manifest in the opposites and in the conflict between them. It is a coincidentia oppositorum (coincidence of opposites). Hence, the way to the self begins with conflict.”

-Carl Jung

What I interpret from this passage is that we create ourselves and improve ourselves through conflict. As crazy as that sounds, it is usually true in lots of cases, where the argument between two opposites brings them together. We see that mostly in family relationships. The conflict, when confronted, can clear out just what was needed to be said. This would explain coincidentia oppositorum.

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

Grieving and Regrets

Cemeteries are full of memory and regret.

The headstones engraved with meaningless words;

The empty silence that reminds me of my loss;

The battered land that be crossed again and again.

Survivor’s guilt burns to the surface of my skin,

As I sit and rue for hours on end;

Hearing the humming songs in my head,

Swallowing my tears, for he’s not dead.

I turn around and almost swear that it’s him;

At least, I wish, oh! I wish it were him.

But it’s my old,

Sad shadow there, instead.

I faintly hear whispering words,

Hurtful words; Painful words.

I wish I could sew down my ears,

To save myself from this raging guilt.

Getting ready to leave is the hardest part;

Sometimes I wish I were dead so

I didn’t have to leave him.

Cemeteries are full of memory and regret.

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

“A necessary end...” -Saltillo

   I race along the path of unknown as I swerve through the towering trees that try to manipulate me ~

I don’t let them. I cross many rivers, past mountains, past forests, hearing the echoes of the eery tree nymphs. I am running away, but I’m not sure from what. As I run into the unknown, horrifying memories of my past flash through my eyes. The intimidating trees offer no comfort as I weep. Proceeding along the path, I get distracted by the luring, angelic voices of the nymphs. I turn every corner, but there is no escape. The white voices surge through my brain. Full of frustration, I bound my way back through the remaining obstacles. The trees are clearing and the voices, fading. At last, I have reached the end of the path, and gratefully, I welcome my end.

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those

who could not hear the music." 

-- Friedrich Nietzsche 

  And those who were classified as “different” were bullied by those who envied such personalities. And those who sang and spoke “to themselves” were thought to be mentally insane by those who could not hear the spirits. And those who loved with a love unlike any other were threatened and called “gay”. 

  This particular quote makes me reflect on many things, and think about many relating situations. This particular statement makes us question the society we live in. Is it truly that bad to be our own person? Why are we questioned about our own choices that we make in our own lives? I strongly believe that we are who we are, and no one is in a place to judge. 

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

Threshold- Joseph Campbell

  If I had been moved a moment too late, my life wouldn’t be as it is now; I would feel like my life was pointless ~ no purpose to my living.

   I was a mere nine years old when I was touched by a song, a song that would be the beginning of a whole new way of thinking. The speaker was a seven year old girl, who had recently had visions of the upcoming World War II; her innocence completely shattered. The tears that rolled down my cheeks by the end of the song were caused by the powerfulness of the words; the great emotion from the lyrics. I was quite naive at the time and didn’t understand war very much, but after hearing the song ~ interpreting it ~ I was changed.

    ...children...hurting...crying...needing...begging for someone to reach out and save them!

   All I could do was weep for those children who never got the chance to be kids; who were born into a world of conflict and danger. I had become extremely sensitive to war topics after that. Barely two years later, I had to read a book for school called: The Hiding Place. It was a personal experience about the Holocaust. I read that book page through page; I felt the fear and terror build up inside of me ~ and then I found what was missing in my mind: the amazing power of faith in God. 

   As long as the author and her family prayed to God for the forgiveness of “those poor men (soldiers who tortured them) who don’t know what they’re doing”, her family was always saved from the frightful beatings to come. This book literally changed my life. I am grateful for absolutely everything I am given and my life feels like it has a purpose now, even if I don’t know what it is yet, but God made me for a reason, and I’m sure I’ll find out someday.

Maya I. E. Wilson, 2012

..........

Holy fucking shit, that was a trip and a half. I hope that wasn't nearly as uncomfortable for you as it was for me. Seriously, why was I obsessed with aligning in mismatched formats??? for like? paragraphs???? Who knows. None of us may ever know.

I hope your day/night/hibernation is going splendidly! I love and miss you all.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya 

Late to the Game

Hi there, peeps.

As we're headed into Valentine's/Galentine's/Palentine's Day, I just wanted to fill you in on some shenanigans that I've been up to.

Firstly, I GOT TO VISIT MY VASSAR FAMILY THIS PAST WEEKEND AND IT WAS SUCH A HOOT HOLY MOLY I LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH I COULD CRY. I hadn't visited them properly in well over a year and it was way past due.

Seeing my roomie Linnea and her wonderfully aesthetic room as we ate greasy takeout and watched 2007's Hairspray was everything I live for. Then being able to take a late night stroll in the freezing cold with Evan the Loser (jk ily) brought back nostalgic memories (but he was currently dying of tuberculosis or some other horrific plague and I was dying of fatigue so we called it a night and went back to his room to dick around.) As the clock creeped up on half past 2am, we both decided I should kick myself out and go to bed back at Linnea's place. I zonked the heck out from all that laughing, I tell you...

The next day, Linnea and I FINALLY filmed the BFF tag (which we'd been planning on for over a year now) and I am just SO HYPED to actually put it up soon! Sidenote—I'd been meaning to start a YouTube channel since I was twelve years old but it just kinda never happened because prepubescent low self-esteem is a bitch and a half. Anyway. I think filming with my best friend gave me that extra vote of confidence I'd been looking for and I can proudly say I'm almost done editing it! (keep your eyes open for a link in the near future!) After that, Jacqui—my mama owl—scooped me up and took me to get the most amazing custard at BurgerFi, where we talked about what was new in our lives and such.

Thennnnnnn came one of the most exciting parts of my visit: I GOT TO SEE MY HOOTIN' FAMILY! I kinda forgot to mention that I was coming so there may have been a couple of screams as I opened the door... Being in that room simply filled me to the brim with joy and reminded me why I love Vassar and why I love music and why I love these people so very, very much. I got to meet this year's Owl babies––they are talented as HECK, mind you––and they were all just so sweet and welcoming and everything I could ever ask for. The next hour, I got to join in on their rehearsal and try to remember my Sop 1 parts (they weren't all butchered, I promise.) Sadly, then it was time for me to go and for Linnea to drive me back to the train station... But I left happier than I'd felt in a long while.

The only downside being I got the flu.

Or whatever plague Evan had from sitting in his germ-infested room so I didn't get to go to work for three days :/ I'm still recuperating but thankfully I think the worst is behind me. And to think I got the flu right at the end of flu season -_-

Secondly, over the past couples weeks, I had several realizations. Among them was the notion that I had the right to be happy and I did not deserve to feel stuck in my unhappiness. I had agency. I could do something about it. And so I did (with the help of my dad and some angel friends of mine.) I took it upon myself to initiate my first ever intentional break up. It was super hard seeing as I do care about him and will continue to care about him and his wellbeing, but it just wasn't right for us anymore and we both deserved better. So I set us free. And I feel so much lighter now.

In other news, I am returning to see my beautiful Owls tomorrow for their concert!!! (I also haven't been to an owl concert since I left, so it's definitely about time) I get to celebrate Valentine's Day surrounded by kickass music and friends whom I adore. How lucky I am <3

Another thing I've been late on––about twenty years too late, really––is finally getting around to watching Scrubs. Thanks to Fonts for threatening to end our friendship if I didn't watch it by the end of the week :) Me and my dad are enjoying it immensely, thank you very much.

Alrighty folks, I'm sure that's enough rambling for now. More updates soon to come.

Enjoy your evening and make sure to stay warm as the world freezes over!

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Changing Tides

HAPPY FEBRUARY!!!

Just wanted to give y'all a quick update to say that holy moly things are going well for me. I mean, of course, there are still some strugglebus days but overall, I'm pretty darn happy with the outcomes.

I got officially hired at the diner place where I get to live out my dream as a starving artist working as a waitress in New York of all places. Whatta time.

I also got a job as a part-time babysitter for the two cutest little girls on the planet. No seriously, they really are. PLUS they have a cat so I'm gonna be in heaven.

The first Newsies readthru was last Friday night and I kid you not when I say that cast was meant to be. Everyone is beyond perfect for their role and I think this process is gonna be a blast. (I have rehearsal again tonight until 10pm good lord)

I have so many hopes and dreams (as do we all) and just I am so beyond excited to begin pursuing the things I love and becoming my own best person.

Good things take time. But we deserve them. We do. We do. We do.

I love you guys so much.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

A Good Thing

Hey you beautiful people.

I know I left you all on a bit of a low note. Sorry about that. BUT! I remain optimistic for things to come and here's why:

1) I got cast in a local production of Newsies so that's pretty fuckin' great.

2) I get to have a trial run as a waitress this Tuesday morning and that's a job so that means money and experience.

3) My mom was able to help get food and food is important so that is good.

4) I got a really super duper awesome idea for a play/musical and am in the very beginning stages of putting it together.

5) I've been pretty hella productive around the house lately what with cleaning and such. Go me!

Anyway, even though things are scary and not everything is perfect all the time, something good might always be around the corner. You just gotta be patient. Your good thing will come. It will.

Hope y'all are staying toasty warm!

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya