A Peek Inside the Good & the Bad

Dearest friends,

Just a peer inside at what it looks like to text me while I'm in crisis *insert upside-down smiley face* Many thanks to Evan and Linnea (who I owe my life to twelve times over). Also if you are easily triggered by a distressing stream of texts, you probably shouldn't read this right now. I mainly jotted this down for my own healing. Please take care of yourselves in these unstable times.

...

Hey
Um
So
V strongly dissociating rn
I'm okay
And safe
But I'm trying not to throw up and I feel like an alien
A close family friend of mine just passed away this morning in DR from COVID-19
I just found out like twenty minutes ago
I'm not physically able to cry
That's all
I'm sorry
...
Evan I wanna throw up
Sorry
That's gross
...
I wish you were here
...
It's like stuck
I mean
There's nothing to throw up
Linnea made me breakfast and I couldn't eat it
I had like half a slice of an English muffin
I'm so nauseous
...
Also I have this nagging feeling that I'm disappointing you
...
No but like
I
It's dumb
I know it is
But I can't
I can't shake the feeling
Fuck I'm sorry
...
I mean the food thing, and the sleep thing, and the general taking care of myself thing I just like
Wanna be better automatically
...
I know but I feel like my baby steps aren't fast enough and you and other people will be disappointed
And like it's embarrassing that I'm not better at it already
Cuz I am an adult and I should know how to do these things
...
I feel like there's a rock in my throat
...
I want you to be here so we can blow out our birthday candles
...
I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay
...
I'm trying
It feels like there's
Like there's
Um
Ropes?
...
Ropes on my ribs
It's too slow
It's going too slow
...
Breathing
Heart rate
It's slow
I'm gonna die if it's too slow
...
I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay
My ribs feel on fire
...
Gross
...
I'm sure your grandkids will think it's funny tho and call you a gorilla
Or a monkey man
Tarzan
...
Fuck what do sharp chest pains mean
...
Cool
...
Cool cool cool
...
My ribs won't expand all the way
Why is this scary
I'm sorry
...
Am I making all of this up
Wait
I
...
It feels like
Like
Like I'm not me
Like I'm someone else
This is all happening to someone else
...
I talk to her tomorrow
...
Mhmm
...
But I'm okay
...
I'm just
Sleepy probably
...
Mhmm
...
What do I tell my professor?
I mean I don't really care honestly
...
It's
...
I feel drunkish
Like I'm okay
Just
Woozy
...
Barbara
...
Uh huh
Yeah
...
Weird sentences one after the other but I love you too
Like lots
...
False
But thank you
...
Rude
I love you a lot
I'm so sorry I'm so mean to you all the time
I never mean it
You're my best person
You're a good person
That
I'm
Tired
Barbara then sleep maybe
I'm sorry
...
Do you hate me?
...
Thanks cool
You're a good Watson.

...

To all my friends who have ever helped me through a crisis—I cannot thank you enough. You have saved my life more times than I can count. I love you I love you I love you <3

To Jenny, who spiced up the world with her kindness, her bravery, her art—Ya te extraño.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya