I recently had a clear out of my phone where I went through all my old photos and notes and the like, deciding which ones I should chuck and which ones I should keep. It appears I haven't removed any of my middle-of-the-night scribbled notes since 2013 and it took me 'til now to uncover some buried bits. It was almost so long ago, I barely remember it happening. Anyhow, I thought I'd share something I wrote on October 15th, 2014 at 12:06am.
TW: Graphic description of traumatic panic attack/night terror.
..........
I grabbed onto the sheets but all I could feel was my pulse and the grime clogging my veins and when I opened my eyes I forgot how to breathe so choking would have to do but the air was hot and my skin was sticky and my pulse kept thumping 'til there were gashes in my brain and the sweat stuck to my skin like a child to her rag-doll and my god I tried to picture a world without me and it just seemed to click but the silence started screaming and my breathing strangled itself while I dry heaved my feelings onto the floor and the taste of spoons tickled my tongue when I noticed the teeth marks on my fists and I couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous I was being and how childish it was to think I would ever belong.
..........
That sure wasn't a pleasant night. Or a pleasant part of my life either, for that matter. I'm happy to say I don't quite wake up in the middle of the night with frightful thoughts (such as the above) as much anymore. I hope none of you have ever had to go through anything similar and if you have or ever do, I'm sending my warmest hugs.
Hasta la próxima,
Much love xoxo
Maya
No comments:
Post a Comment