Anyway, I always like writing original thoughts down on paper first. It just feels right to me, I guess. That's the way I started out, so that's the way it's gonna end.
Eventually, I end up typing things into my computer just in case the original copy gets lost. I guess I'm telling you this now cuz my fingers are already cramping up and I'm elbow-deep in blue ink. Nonetheless, I thought it might be worth it to y'all what I spent the last hour writing.
...........
1. I know what it means to be loved.
She opens her eyes to fluorescent hospital lights, beeping machines and labored breathing. Someone has swaddled her in a blanket. The feeling is warm and soft. Faintly, she can see faces blurring in and out of focus. The faces are smiling at her.
2. I know what it means to be curious.
Her father holds her over the bushes, allowing her to peer at the blooming flowers. The colors are bold and vibrant. She takes her little fist and grabs the petals right off the stem with a squeal. The flower is dead now but she does not understand why.
3. I know what it means to be ignored.
She is four when they tell her it's a boy. He arrives late January and nobody seems to want to play outside. They all sit and coo and smile at the tiny thing. They tell her she's a big sister now. She thinks if this is what being big is, she wants nothing to do with it.
4. I know what it means to be anxious.
2007, they tell her she must move to a new country. They say it will be better there. They say it will be hot and sunny and she will make lots of new friends. She gets that funny feeling in her stomach that this will not be as easy as they make out. She begins to wonder if her new friends will like playing hide and seek.
5. I know what it means to be special.
Four days into second grade, the principal calls her parents. The principal says the course is much too easy for her—that she must be moved into third grade. She begins to think that being special sounds awfully scary.
6. I know what it means to be afraid.
She's nearly 8 years old but her wild imagination only seems to grow wilder. She swears there are witches by the windows and ogres under her bed. No matter how hard they try, they cannot convince the girl otherwise. So they put bars on her windows and tell her she is safe. She can't help but feel very trapped now.
7. I know what it means to be excited.
It is opening night and she cannot contain her squeals. She is about to perform in front of 1,500 people and she doesn't feel nervous at all. No, she's excited. She knows her lines and she knows her songs and she will blow them all away. This time, she will not be ignored.
8. I know what it means to be goofy.
She sits next to her brother, hoping he'd let her be a part of his video this time. Reluctantly, he agrees, and allows her to speak in strange voices at the camera, pulling her face into this and that. He cannot help but laugh at the girl before joining in himself. She misses when he used to laugh like that.
9. I know what it means to be distraught.
She picks up the phone on a Sunday morning. All she hears is death on the other side. She goes back to seventh grade on Monday morning. She says she is angry with the world. She says bad things should not happen to good people. They let her go to his funeral and she is the only child there. She cannot remember how many adults looked at her with a sort of pity in their eye. She remembers feeling alone that night.
10. I know what it means to be tired.
Three more deaths follow that year like a race against time. All she knows is her homework and her books and her writing. She's not sure who her real friends are anymore and she can't bring herself to speak to her family. She doesn't like the idea of causing them distress. She rarely eats and she hardly sleeps anymore and she is just oh-so-tired. She wants it all to end.
11. I know what it means to be rejected.
She looks pretty that night. Or as pretty as a twelve-year-old can be. She tells herself she's going to have fun no matter what, and she does. She's the first one out on the dancefloor and she loves the way her blue dress is twirling about. Soon enough, the only people left are couples and this one other boy sitting all alone. The camp counselor pairs the two together but the boy says no. She can't help but wonder if she just wasn't pretty enough that night.
12. I know what it means to be overjoyed.
It's six AM and her father insists she check her email. Bewildered and a bit grumpy, she obeys, only to scream at the words before her eyes: Congratulations! You made it! Tears start streaming down her face and she begins to ask if this is all real. Her father laughs and assures her that she really has been accepted into boarding school, that this really is going to happen. She beams throughout the rest of the day.
13. I know what it means to be lonely.
She's only three weeks into school when she wants to take her life. She's not sure why she feels this way but she believes it is the only way to escape the loneliness. She remembers feeling nothing at all. Simply numb.
14. I know what it means to be confused.
She knows she always found the human body fascinating. It's beautiful. Simple as that. What she doesn't understand is why she's only supposed to love one of them when they are both equally stunning. She tells her friends she falls in love with people—not genders. Personalities—not genitals. And she's okay with that.
15. I know what it means to be applauded.
She remembers how nervous she was to begin with. And this was not a crowd of 1,500 people. This was a small group of her best friends in the whole wide world. They clap and they whistle and they cheer and she remembers what it's like to be loved again.
16. I know what it means to be jealous.
She can feel her starting to pull him away. A couple hours a day turns into a couple days a week and soon enough she gives up on seeing him. After all, if this is what makes him happy, she cannot tell him no. She misses her best friend and she feels mad at herself for letting him go.
17. I know what it means to be hurt.
She struggles to breathe as the words start to sink in. She tells herself the words aren't true but it's not the words themselves that hurt, it's whose mouth they came from. She tells herself that this is the end—that she cannot go on like this, and so she lets go. Except this time, letting go hurts so much harder than holding on.
18. I know what it means to be passionate.
Her sanctuary is the Creative Writing classroom. In there, she finds her real voice through pencils and paper and a teacher who never fails to push her further. She sings words onto the page and watches them latch onto each other, slowly but surely creating a world all her own. And she is in love with the words and for the first time in forever, she is in love with herself.
19. I know what it means to be family.
She is sitting around a campfire. It's a Thursday night and it's almost 11 o'clock but it's summer, so no one seems to care. Her best friends are lighting marshmallows on fire and she watches as they blow the flames away. Their laughter melts into music and she zones in and out of their conversation. Someone wraps a blanket around her shoulders and smiles before plopping down next to her. They begin to sing their favorite song and it is only now that she realizes she is home.
20. I know what it means to be human.
I know what it's like to crave perfection but never achieve it. I know what it's like to stay awake for over 48 hours just because. I know what it's like to fail and to succeed. I know what it's like to cry, and to hurt, and laugh and smile. I know what it's like to have permanent ink stains on my fingertips because that's the only way I know how to feel. And feeling is the very best part about being human.
..........
I don't really think this counts as slam poetry but it wasn't straight up prose either, so sorry about that.
Also just FYI, I'm brain dead at the moment and should be sleeping in just a few seconds so if I'm not making any sense oh whale
Hasta la próxima,
Much love xoxo
Maya
Maya what the hell this is gorgeous. I'm in love.
ReplyDeleteThat means more than you know <3
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