On Friday, yours truly turned twenty years old. Two zero. Absurd, if you ask me.
Of course, I had all sorts of trepidations about leaving my teen years and no matter how much Evan tried to console me by saying it's just another number and it doesn't even matter what age I am so long as I stay myself, I had doubts. It's only been like three days and surely I feel just the same except for the fact that I don't qualify as a teenager anymore. Which means I'm not a child. Which means I'm an adult. And I kind of hate that.
When you're an adult, people start to expect things from you. How to behave, how to talk, how to dress. Manners, diligence, resourcefulness. Children look up to you. You accumulate responsibilities. And you're expected to do all this knowingly without a moment's notice. Now, of course I know most adults do not, in fact, have their shit together and tend to scramble and make mistakes and flounder and ask for help and make more mistakes and fail over and over again. That all just seems a bit scary to me.
I know more adult-y adults will always be around to help but what if you don't even know where to begin? Surely every other twenty-year-old on the planet felt more capable than I when their birthdays came about. Am I the only one who spent an inordinate amount of time mourning their adolescence? Is there anything there to even mourn? Then again, I've always been quite the existential creature and have felt the weight of the world at every age.
I think in some ways, I have my shit together more than most other newly-twenties; in other ways, I feel like everyone else was given an instructional pamphlet and I was given a coloring book.
I can really feel the sleep hitting now...
I'm kind of excited for this new decade but I'm also kind of wondering who thought it a good idea to let me be in charge of things. I'm still just a freshman in college but I know for a fact this time will fly by and before I know it, I'll be an even adultier adult with a life and a job and more bills to pay.
I guess I'm just scared because all I've ever wanted was stability. I'd be content if nothing exciting happened to me for the rest of my life because more often than not, excitement has brought along its fair share of tragedy and I've never been able to escape it. I want to be happy in my uneventful, stable, healthy, routine, comfortable life. I want a roof over my head and food at the table and health for me and my loved ones. Everything else would just be a bonus.
I think things will be okay. I think they will. I'm optimistic and hopeful enough, I'm just tired of fighting sometimes. And tired of being awake. But good things can happen when I'm awake so I'll keep waking up.
Sweet dreams, friends <3
Hasta la próxima,
Much love xoxo
Maya
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