Year 18, Still Breathin'

Wow okay so 2k18 wasn't at all what it was cracked up to be but hey! There's always next year.

1. What did you do in 2018 that you'd never done before?

Oh goodness, let's see... Well, I voted for the first time so that was pretty sweet! I also may have made some poor life choices and got high with the big bro and dissociated for the first time and had my first real paying job and got my first ever state ID and lost my virginity and got hospitalized and bought my first toy (lol) and paid my own bills and scheduled my own doctor's appointments so like adulting yay that's cool.

2. Did you keep your New Years Resolutions and will you make more for next year?

I didn't make any resolutions that I can recall. I do remember saying I hoped 2018 was my year and even though on the surface it may very well have been an absolute disaster, it has taught me more lessons than I can possibly count. For 2019, I'm just striving for absolute self compassion, no questions asked.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Hmmm... no, BUT Yan Diego officially became the godfather of this teeny tiny black cat, Luna, and she is such a demonic treasure :)

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My one and only beautiful Titi Dorianny who lives in our hearts and in our smiles forever.

5. What countries did you visit?

The usual: DR & US. I'm not exciting.

6. What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018?

Oh gosh, stability for once in my life. Emotional, financial, physical, all of it. Or even just one of the three. I want something to go right for me in 2019. I've waited long enough and I sure as heck deserve it.

7. What dates from 2018 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

January 1st. First time.
January 22nd. Move to RI.
February 16th. The Little Mermaid.
March 6th. Finally legal.
March 11th. Winter photoshoot.
March 20th. Mami's book launch, DR.
April 21st. Hospitalization.
May 27th. Babies' graduation!
May 28th. First day of work.
August 2nd. Mami's book launch, NY.
August 3rd. Waitress.
August 4th. Anastasia.
August 16th. Second heartbreak.
August 23rd. Book of Mormon.
August 30th. Te quiero, Titi <3
September 10th. Officially settled in NY.
October 17th. Aidan <3
October 19th. A Star is Born.
October 31st. Halloween in VT.
November 6th. First vote!!!
November 11th. Fall photoshoot.
November 15th. SNOW.
November 19th. MacBook Pro.
November 24th. Bohemian Rhapsody.
December 11th. Officially together!
December 13th. First "I love you"

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Learning to love myself and to let go. Still a work in progress.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Failure is a strong word. It would be a little harsh to peg the word failure on someone when we're all just trying our best, but I guess I let myself sink all the way down this year. Farther into the void than I've ever gone before and it was scary as heck, let me tell you.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yes. I was briefly hospitalized in April for extreme panic disorder and suicidal thoughts. I also had a short but torturous bout of vertigo around midsummer. 10/10 would not recommend.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Hmmm... well back when I was making mula, I'd splurge on myself every now and again which was pretty heckin' fun and most of it consisted of unnecessary thrift store items or random beauty products. However, I was the most excited when I bought my first denim jacket. What can I say? I have my priorities.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

It may come as no surprise to you but my loves Linnea, Lauryn, Kelila, and Evan seriously pulled through. I mean those four got me through some of the toughest most excruciating times of my life, I owe them just about everything. Another pleasant surprise was seeing Tia Susan and Ali team up to be my personal champions and I just love them both beyond words.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?

I have a select few I could mention but the world never got any better by spreading hate.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Oh jesus, most of you won't want to know this but it's freaking true so I might as well say it: Calvin Klein underwear. Like stashes and stashes of them. It's teetering on obsessive, honestly.

15. What did you get really, really excited about?

Seeing a Broadway show for the first time in years. Any time I got to spend with my friends. Every trip to the Martins' home. Burritos. Cats. Movies.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2018?

God is a Woman by Ariana Grande
IDGAF by Dua Lipa
I Like It by Cardi B
breathin' by Ariana Grande
Radio Ga Ga by Queen
Just a Stranger by Kali Uchis ft. Steve Lacy
Bad Liar by Selena Gomez
Spice Girl by Aminé
No Tears Left to Cry by Ariana Grande
bellyache by Billie Eilish
Joanne by Lady Gaga
Mo Bamba by Sheck Wes
Feel It Still by Portugal the Man
Bodak Yellow by Cardi B
Shallow by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper
Moonlight by XXXTENTACION
La Cintura by Alvaro Soler
Rewrite the Stars by Zac Efron and Zendaya
lovely by Billie Eilish ft. Khalid
Sober by Demi Lovato
BLACKJACK by Aminé
Don't Stop Me Now by Queen
In my Feelings by Drake
Sweet Creature by Harry Styles
King Kunta by Kendrick Lamar
REEL IT IN by Aminé
idontwannabeyouanymore by Billie Eilish
In My Blood by Shawn Mendes
I Love It by Kanye West ft. Lil Pump
Sorry not Sorry by Demi Lovato
1998 TRUMAN by BROCKHAMPTON
All the Stars by Kendrick Lamar ft. SZA
you should see me in a crown by Billie Eilish
Havana by Camila Cabello
Yikes by Kanye West
Uproar by Lil Wayne ft. Swizz Beatz
ICY GRL by Saweetie
Nice for What by Drake
Movement by Hozier
Lost In Japan by Shawn Mendes
Look At Me! by XXXTENTACION
Girls Like You by Maroon 5 ft. Cardi B
Youngblood by 5 Seconds of Summer
Sweet but Psycho by Ava Max
REDMERCEDES by Aminé
Caroline by Aminé
Taki Taki by DJ Snake, Selena Gomez, Ozuna & Cardi B
thank u, next by Ariana Grande
JELLO by BROCKHAMPTON
I Ain't Got Time! by Tyler, The Creator
Greedy by Ariana Grande
Hair Too Long by The Vamps
Icon by Jaden Smith
NO EXCUSES by Meghan Trainor
Money by Cardi B
Who Dat Boy by Tyler, The Creator & A$AP Rocky

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

(a) I can't believe I'm even saying this but happier. So much happier.
(b) I can't believe this either but thinner... I lost ten pounds XD
(c) Wowowow I have never been more penniless in my life and yet I'm makin' it work somehow.

18. What do you wish you had done more of?

Art. Part of me feels like I wasted a whole good nine months but then again, I had lots of healing to do and the healing isn't over yet. I'm doing the best that I can.

19. What do you wish you had done less of?

Ew crying. Ohmygod, if I had a dollar for every second I spent crying this year, I'd be a fucking trillionaire. Not that crying isn't good for you or a healthy coping mechanism but when you've got anything in excess, it's not so bueno.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Quietly in NY with my dad and the bros.

21. Did you fall in love in 2018?

Oh yes, absolutely.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Bisshhhhhhh I thought you'd never ask :)

Say Yes to the Dress
Grace & Frankie
Downton Abbey
King of the Hill
This is Us
Community
The Good Place
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
The Great British Baking Show
The Fosters (it finally ended and I think I might die)

23. Do you hate someone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Hate is a very strong word. Again, a select few come to mind but spreading hate is bad karma so...

24. What was the best book you read?

Heck dudes, I'm bummed I didn't read as much as last year but I still managed to sneak some reading in here and there.

Paperweight by Meg Haston
When in doubt, add butter by Beth Harbison
The Beginning of Everything by Robin Schneider

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Hadestown: The Myth. The Musical. (thank you Claire for blessing my whole life with this)

26. What did you want and get?

Affection. To see my family.

27. What did you want and not get?

Security. Safety. Stability.

28. What was your favorite film of the year?

As always, there is never one single answer:

A Star is Born
Bohemian Rhapsody
Crazy Rich Asians
Black Panther
Dumplin'
To All The Boys I've Loved Before
Set It Up

I've yet to see:

Love, Simon
The Hate U Give
Incredibles II
Christopher Robin
Ocean's 8
Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again
BlacKkKlansman

29. What is one thing that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Music helped me through it all.

30. How would you describe your fashion concept in 2018?

50% barely functioning/systematically depressed human being, 50% casual hipster chic.

31. What kept you sane?

Meditation. Spotify. Sleep.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Not even gonna try to hide my love for Noah Centineo <3 I LOVED HIM SINCE THE FOSTERS YOU POSERS!!!

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

It's sad that there are almost too many to count with each coming year but for reasons that hit far too close to home, the Kavanaugh trial. I don't think I'd been triggered that badly in a while.

34. Who do you miss?

Titi. Linnea, Evan, the Owls, Suki, Luna, Nutella, Bernie, & Phyllis <3

Notice how half of those are animals.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018.

You are love. You are light. You are loved. You are worthy. You are able. You are enough.

36. Quote a song lyrics that sums up your year:

"I'm off the deep end, watch as I dive in
I'll never meet the ground
Crash through the surface
Where they can't hurt us
We're far from the shallow now"

"Shallow" by Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: Happy Birthday my dearest Maeve <3

To My Mother

My mom is the kind of person you can't quite put into words. Ever since I got into poetry (circa 7th grade), I told myself that one day I'd write the greatest poem known to man about my mother. And believe me, I tried. But every possible effort felt fruitless because none of them ever measured up to who she truly was. I could never bring myself to show her any of my drafts because they were all incomplete. I started over again and again and never seemed able to finish––I wanted it to be perfect because she didn't deserve anything less. Here I am, years later, still with an impossible number of drafts and exactly zero finished products. It occurred to me that time is a luxury though, and one cannot waste it attempting to grasp perfection. I decided instead to post them anyway, all in their incomplete glory, in the hopes that some combination of words is the right one.

Here goes nothing.

..........

To My Mother

My mom can't cook.

Forget the lessons, the step-by-step recipes, and the easy-bakes.

There are reasons Mami doesn't step foot in the kitchen...

My mom can't sing, either.

Try as she might, the notes are never there and no matter how many times she blasts the radio in the car, something about her tuning is always off.

Nonetheless, that's never stopped Mami.

She made her own rules. She set her own limits.

Besides that, no one determined what would get in her way.

..........

Mami, I love you so <3

My mom is not a large person.

In fact, I tower one entire inch above her mere 5'1.

My mom is not a large person.

She never learned to cook, or clean, or swim, or sew.

Still, my mom is the #1 most badass person I know.

My mom grew up a rebel.

"Now, what straight A, valedictorian student becomes a rebel?" you might ask.

Well, my mom is made of fire, you see.

She pops, and flickers, and crackles.

She's warm until you bite her, then she burns.

My mom is so cool, she learned calculus over the phone.

My mom is so rad, she ran a marathon with bronchitis.

My mom is so awesome, presidents from all over the world have wanted to meet with her.

My mom is so fabulous, she was crowned Reina de Ocoa at age six.

My mom is so sick, she owned a skateboard in college.

My mom is not perfect.

She has little patience, is always right and can't pronounce the word "vegetables."

But my mom is heroic.

She left her homeland at seventeen, learned English on her own and was the first in her family to go to college.

I'm telling you––my mom is a LEGEND.

..........

Dear Mami:

I know you're probably mad I haven't called you in the past hour. Listen, life gets busy, I can't be calling you every time the weather changes (here, it's every five minutes...)

I just wanted to say thanks, I guess.

For, well... everything.

You sacrifice a hell of a lot and I hope you know it doesn't go unappreciated.

Hey, Mami, you know... uh... well, I guess we don't always agree on stuff, but that doesn't mean I love you any less.

I know you don't understand how I can possibly love girls AND boys, but thank you for still loving me.

I know you will never understand my crippling anxiety, but Mami, it's okay. I forgive you.

You grew up in a world where survival was the only way out. Sacrifice was the only lifeline and courage, a necessary resource.

You grew up hot-headed, thick-skinned, determined and with a thirst to succeed like no other.

See, Mami, you gave me that same thirst.

Except my thirst to succeed has never been quenched.

Instead of praise, my body punishes itself if it does not have the strength to go on.

See, mi cuerpo, Mami, was not built to endure a life like yours.

Mi mente, Mami, was not structured with the inches thick of buffers that block out killing machines of the world around.

You are petite, but you're built like a stone wall.

Mami, you are a fortress.

Everything you hold dear, you protect. You are fierce with defense and baptized with respect.

You fear no coward, you fear no villain.

You grew up a dragon with a fire burning so hot, it could melt hatred and turn arrows to stone.

Mami, you say I am your dragon but I have yet to breathe a single spark and someday I am hoping to become a fortress as well but I feel as though the only building materials I've been given are ash.

I cannot build from the ash, Mami. I am not a phoenix. I cannot rise again, like you did.

You have so much strength. You know nothing but perseverance. Mami, I know nothing but defeat.

Your child, I am nothing but the shadow in your flames.

Everyone says I am just like you, but Mami, can't they see that I am weaker? Not tougher, not keener.

I am nothing but me. Plain Maya. Nothing more.

I cannot be you. You have done so much more.

How do they expect me to do it?

Where do I even begin?

So you see, Mami, I have anxiety, and I know you don't quite understand it because you grew up in a world where there simply wasn't enough room for that. Only the fittest would survive, so you did.

Mami, I live in a world where perfection is everything.

Image is everything. Legacy is everything.

How must I take on such an enormous legacy when you are divine?

I simply cannot recreate your success story, please forgive me.

My fears blockade the way.

I hope you still have room enough in your heart for me.

..........

Three unedited, erroneous attempts.

Oh whale, at least I tried.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

The Revolutionary Act

For context, this was written in my journal next to a taped ticket stub of the movie "A Star is Born".

..........

     Watching this movie was the turning point for me. I was in such a dark place, my demons were eating me from the inside out and I had little, if any, will to live. But then I saw this movie and it was like a stroke of lightning. I just had to create. I hadn't created anything at all in over nine months and so I had lost myself. I had lost who I was. Creation was my thing. Passion was my thing. And somewhere along the lines of my downfall I lost it all. 

     But then in comes Lady Gaga, one of my all-time greatest inspirations and my muse, and the whole world just clicked. I was me again. It's as if the universe were demanding me to create something. A story, a drawing, a song––anything. But I swear it was like these fireworks went off inside me, shooting different colored stars and shaking me awake from my nine month coma. I was beginning to be me again. The real, honest to God, don't hold back me. And it was exhilarating. 

     That night I went home and wrote the first words to a song. I hadn't written a song in over four years. It's just, this movie reminded me that I have no time to waste. I need my voice to be heard and I need to move people. I need to tell the stories that haven't been told and bring more light to the world. Joe Wilson Jr. once said: "Art is not a luxury item, it is a revolutionary act." In a world wired to make us feel weak, unimportant and unheard, artists are our greatest weapon. The artists cannot be silenced or there will be hell to pay. The revolution has already begun. It's time I joined it.

..........

Just some late night musings of mine.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

A Dream and A Drive

Hey y'all.

Funnily enough, even though it's sneaking into 6am, I have not yet gone to bed. Some nights you just gotta do what you gotta do. In my case, this was to knit an entire scarf whilst editing my best friend's college paper and simultaneously catching up on my youtube watch later list.

Anyway, now that my hands are completely worn out from knitting and typing away, I thought I'd tire them some more by writing this post. Not a long one, don't worry. Just long enough for me to get some thoughts out.

Believe it or not, almost half of my watch later videos consisted of dance choreographies and interviews with artists (the other half consisting of Noah Centineo but like that's not important.) Among them, I watched two of the greats, Lady Gaga and Lin Manuel Miranda, interview each other. It was glorious if you must know. But their whole conversation got me thinking about my passions and my cravings and my desires and my ambitions and how on earth I plan on achieving them.

So far, I got nuthin'. But hey, at one point, neither did they. They just had a dream and a drive to go on. I'm hoping that's enough. For now, at least. There are so many fields I want to explore, so many things I've yet to discover, so many people I long to meet and they're all at my fingertips. I just gotta reach out and go.

It got me thinking about "Hey, what if I just wrote my own musical?" or "Maybe I could just write my own song?" or "I could write a whole book series on that!" and guys, there are just endless possibilities pouring out into the universe and I need to stop thinking about the stream and just dive right in. Who cares if I've got a few choppy edges to begin with? I've got time to smooth them down.

God it's just that there are so many stories to tell and so many ways to tell them, through music, through words, through dance, through color, through film... I want to be a part of all of it. I wanna catch a creative wind and ride it for as long as I can. Or try to anyway. I know I'm rambling but there's no one up to listen to me yet lol

I've got ideas guys. Plans. Flawed plans, but plans nonetheless. I wanna create. I want to move people. Make them really feel something. Put my heart all out there and dare someone to stab it. (okay sorry that was way darker than i intended carry on) I just want a way to put all the pain and heartache and trauma into a tangible thing, hopefully a cathartic thing that can help others too.

Anyway. That's enough of me for one night. I hope you're all resting peacefully and that you wake up with hope in your eyes.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Nightmare

Hello darlings. 

I recently had a clear out of my phone where I went through all my old photos and notes and the like, deciding which ones I should chuck and which ones I should keep. It appears I haven't removed any of my middle-of-the-night scribbled notes since 2013 and it took me 'til now to uncover some buried bits. It was almost so long ago, I barely remember it happening. Anyhow, I thought I'd share something I wrote on October 15th, 2014 at 12:06am.

TW: Graphic description of traumatic panic attack/night terror.

..........

I grabbed onto the sheets but all I could feel was my pulse and the grime clogging my veins and when I opened my eyes I forgot how to breathe so choking would have to do but the air was hot and my skin was sticky and my pulse kept thumping 'til there were gashes in my brain and the sweat stuck to my skin like a child to her rag-doll and my god I tried to picture a world without me and it just seemed to click but the silence started screaming and my breathing strangled itself while I dry heaved my feelings onto the floor and the taste of spoons tickled my tongue when I noticed the teeth marks on my fists and I couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous I was being and how childish it was to think I would ever belong.

..........

That sure wasn't a pleasant night. Or a pleasant part of my life either, for that matter. I'm happy to say I don't quite wake up in the middle of the night with frightful thoughts (such as the above) as much anymore. I hope none of you have ever had to go through anything similar and if you have or ever do, I'm sending my warmest hugs.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Musical Musings

I wrote these scribbles circa 3am several weeks ago. Who knows how long ago now. But it was important to me. Thought I might share.

..........

    Music has been such a driving force in my life, I have no idea how I let it go. How did I lose myself so deeply that I forgot the very stuff that makes me feel alive? I was a singer. I was a songwriter. A musician. A choral director. A fan. And I let it all go. Unknowingly, of course, at first. But even then, I didn't make any efforts to bring it back.

    How anyone lives without music is beyond me. It is a force of nature, an omnipotent source of vivacity and passion. Listening to the sounds I used to make, the creations I birthed, the melodies I phrased, there's no greater pride than that. Music is my baby. It's my life blood. And I lived without it for close to nine months. For nine months, my baby was not fed or nurtured or cared for. My baby Music was neglected and outcast––I was a wretched mother.

    It's only been a few months since I turned it around, but oh, Music, how I've missed you. How I've longed to wrap you in my arms and never let go. You are my one and true happiness, baby. You make my heart soar, yes you do. I promise to never let you go again, not if I can help it. I'll come back to you again and again if I must. I love you. You complete me. I hope not to disappoint.

..........

There you have it, folks. Somewhat of a pouring out of the soul. Seems good to dust it off once in a while, I think.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

My Monkey

To you.

..........

I know this is new. I know.
And it's true.
But it's just all these steps that have led me to you.
The heartbreak, the sorrow,
The worlds of pain.
Not one of them told me what I was to gain.
And you know, so it seems,
I've gained quite a lot.
A lover, another, a man of my dreams.
I don't know where this leads,
Or what love will become,
But whatever it is has already begun.

..........

Whoa.
Do you ever just stop and think "No, there's no way..."
It's just a coincidence, the universe at play.
But it's not. He's real. You're real. It's all real.
You've spent days, weeks too, forgetting to feel.
And then in pours the sunshine, the rays of sun,
The fluttering butterflies that say "He's the one!"
And he's warm like honey, and fresh like dew
All I can say is he's beautiful, too <3
I really like him. I hope he likes me.
What happens now, we'll just wait and see...

..........

Back again with the sappy poems, I know. But hey, who am I to tell love no?

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya