We Made It! (Barely)

Oh boy. What a year it's been, my loves. A lot of firsts... A lot of lasts... Here's to hoping you had a better one than I.

1. What did you do in 2017 that you'd never done before?

I graduated motherfucking high school, bitchesssssssssss!!!!! Oh, I also may have gotten drunk for the first time. And high for the first time. And had my first hookup. And regretted my first hookup. And started college. And dropped outta college. And met the love of my life under the strangest of circumstances.

2. Did you keep your New Years Resolutions and will you make more for next year?

Well, my dudes, I did as I promised last year: I survived 2017. Quite a feat, might I add. Beyond that, I don't really know if I could focus on anything else. 2018 better be my year. Please be my year. Please, pretty please.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Still no nieces or nephews, thank God. HOWEVER, the Kerrs and the Doires both adopted some gorgeous baby puppers, Finn and Loki respectively. And ohMyGOd they are the most terrific babies you ever did see.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My dearest Rosie. Thank you for visiting me the other day. You have no idea how special that was.

5. What countries did you visit?

Nowhere new, I'm afraid. Just the good ol' USofA and DR.

6. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?

I just... I want the pain to go away. I know that's a longshot, but the past few years have been hell. I mean, absolute hell. And I know I should be counting my blessings—I am—but just... I just want to know something for certain for once, you know? I just wanna be happy. Isn't that what we all want?

7. What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

January 22nd. Semi with CJS.
February 11th. Killed Berklee 2k17.
February 17th. Legally Blonde.
March 28th. Vassar says yes!
April 10th. My poor Rosie <3
May 1st. Yes to Vassar!
May 13th. Senior Prom with CJS.
May 20th. Last Abbey show :(
May 28th. Graduation.
May 31st. First crossfade.
June 3rd. First heartbreak.
August 17th. Hello college.
September 12th. NIGHT OWLS!
October 27th. Buddhist retreat.
November 4th. Goodbye college.
November 10th. William Wells Rider <3
November 28th. First "I love you".
December 10th. One month of happiness.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Honestly? Getting into college didn't hurt. But I'd say the real achievement was finding someone who respects me and loves me for everything that I am.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I feel like I failed myself. I thought I was ready for college but just... things didn't really line up. The timing wasn't right. Lots of things weren't right.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

So I casually suffered from emotional shock in October and almost went into cardiac arrest which was no fun. But here I am, alive and, well... alive, folks. That's about all I can say.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Whaleeeeeeee, here's the dealio: I have zero income. Or at least, I did have a minimal income until I left college. HOWEVER. Seeing as I am currently living with the Wilson-Fishers, everything I get comes from them. And let's just say Tia Susan was feeling particularly generous one day and bought me some early Christmas gifts from Urban Outfitters and holy SHIT do I look good in them :)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Fonts, you've always been there for me, my dude. Seriously, I would not be here without you. Linnea, my darling, I could not be more thankful for you. The universe gave me the best roommate in the history of roommates. And Evan, dear friend, I miss you more than words can explain. You made college worth it. Tia Susan, you've been my guardian angel. And William, my dearest William, thank you. For what you do for me every single day. I cannot thank you enough. I love you all.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?

This one might come as a shocker to y'all, but honestly, my parents. That's not to say I don't still love them with my whole heart or that they aren't wonderful people but they both fucked up royally this year. It's still taking me a while to put back the pieces.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Oh, are you talking about that college that I'm not even currently attending?

15. What did you get really, really excited about?

Getting into THE BEST  a cappella group EVER!!! (seriously tho, I miss y'owl more than you know)

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2017?

Vor í Vaglaskógi by Kaleo
Waving Through A Window by Ben Platt
Michael In The Bathroom by George Salazar
Don't Think Twice, It's Alright by The Night Owls
Moondance by The Night Owls
Slow Down Love by Louis the Child ft. Chelsea Cutler
Dead by Madison Beer
Lights Down Low by MAX ft. gnash
New Rules by Dua Lipa
Mi Gente by J Balvin ft. Willy William
Felices los 4 by Maluma
Súbeme la Radio by Enrique Iglesias
Chantaje by Shakira ft. Maluma
Lost by Frank Ocean
Mykonos by Fleet Foxes
Degas Park by Kevin Abstract
GOLD by Brockhampton
Slow Hands by Niall Horan
HUMBLE by Kendrick Lamar
Bad Liar by Selena Gomez
Like Real People Do by Hozier
DNA by Kendrick Lamar
Shoutout to my Ex by Little Mix
Rockabye by Clean Bandit
Mercy by Shawn Mendes
Crying in the Club by Camila Cabello
Love on the Brain by Rihanna
Oblivion by Bastille
You Don't Know Me by Jax Jones
Swish Swish by Katy Perry
River by Bishop Briggs
Bad at Love by Halsey
Blame it On Me by George Ezra
Wasted Youth by FLETCHER
Bacon by Nick Jonas
Sight of The Sun by fun
There's Nothing Holdin' Me Back by Shawn Mendes
Make Me (Cry) by Noah Cyrus
Bad Things by Camila Cabello
A Million Reasons by Lady Gaga
The Greatest by Sia
Bon Appétit by Katy Perry
Sign of the Times by Harry Styles
All The Pretty Girls by Kaleo
Despacito by Luis Fonsi ft Daddy Yankee
Andas En Mi Cabeza by Chino y Nacho
So Much Better by Laura Bell Bundy (Legally Blonde)
Shape of You by Ed Sheeran
Sunday Candy by Chance the Rapper
I Found by Amber Run
Come On Get Higher by Matt Nathanson

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

(a) sadder. much, much sadder. but hopeful.
(b) about the same?? I dunno.
(c) far poorer. and not getting richer anytime soon.

18. What do you wish you had done more of?

I wish I could have laughed more. There are so many things to laugh and smile about.

19. What do you wish you had done less of?

Wallowing. I do too much wallowing. My friends can all testify.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Quietly in Vermont. Spent more than half the day napping.

21. Did you fall in love in 2017?

I thought you'd never ask :)

22. What was your favorite TV program?

So you see, Evan got me hooked on this thing called Narcos and we lowkey may have binged it and it was the best time of my life. Then, of course, once Stranger Things Season 2 came out, there was no turning back. Since that ended, I may or may not have binged all of Big Mouth in a day...? Don't judge me.

23. Do you hate someone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

His name rhymes with Tonald Drump. Although to be fair, I did already hate him this time last year, so...

24. What was the best book you read?

You have NO IDEA how long I've waited for this post so I could inform y'all :) Okay, so this summer, I ended up devouring books one by one and was a happy camper, yes indeed. Here's a collection of my top 5:

All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven
We Were Liars by E. Lockhart
A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore
You Are Here by Thich Nhat Hanh
and of course, my beautiful Mami's book:
El Hierro Que Forjó a la Dama by Darys Estrella

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Probably Kaleo (thank you Evan and William!) If we're talking musicals, though, you MUST listen to the Dear Evan Hansen soundtrack. Unbelievable. Simply unbelievable.

26. What did you want and get?

A high school diploma. A college acceptance. Love.

27. What did you want and not get?

Mental stability. Yet again.

28. What was your favorite film of the year?

Beauty and the Beast
Spiderman: Homecoming
Gaga: Five Foot Two
The Florida Project
Loving Vincent
Wonder Woman
Gifted
Split

I have yet to see:
Coco
I, Tonya
Wonder
Ladybird
Dunkirk
My Friend Dahmer
The Greatest Showman

29. What is one thing that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Daily "I love you"s from the one and only <3

30. How would you describe your fashion concept in 2017?

I literally hate this question so much cuz I never know how to answer it... I guess you could say I still rock the overalls. That and pajamas on a good day.

31. What kept you sane?

Not much, to be honest. I'm not even totally sure how I'm here right now.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Sooooooo I may have become a bit obsessed with Aaron Tveit and Ben Platt... I swear, it's only because they're talented, not because they're both drop-dead-fucking-gorgeous. Emma Watson once again makes the list, but what else is new?

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

There were too many to count this year, folks. Far too many. Plus, I was a bit preoccupied dealing with my own mental health so I kinda needed to steer clear of politics for a while.

34. Who do you miss?

Rosie. Linnea, Evan & the Owls <3 Oh, and my lil peanut, Suki.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017.

Taking time for yourself is ALWAYS an option. It does not make you a failure. It does not make you unworthy. It does not make you unloveable.

36. Quote a song lyrics that sums up your year:

"Hold, hold on, hold onto me,

'Cause I'm a little unsteady,

A little unsteady."

"Unsteady" by X Ambassadors

There you have it. Sending you all my best.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAEVE!!! I LOVE YOU WITH MY WHOLE HEART!!!

Dearest Rosie

I miss you every single day.

I just wanted to share the dream I had about you last night. It's weird, after you were gone, I dreamt about you every night but within the past few months you sorta drifted away... And I was afraid I'd lost you for good.

But last night you popped back into my dreams and I just can't explain it... This time was different. It was like you were really, truly there. I dunno. It's sorta hard to explain.

I was back at some hybrid version of the Abbey and Vassar mixed together. The whole dorm experience thing, I guess. And I remember seeing people from both high school and college living in the same space and they all knew each other. Weird how dreams are able to manipulate reality that way...

I remember being slightly aggravated because all the showers were taken and the light switches in the bathroom were being flickery. I remember complaining to someone about needing to call maintenance to fix the light. But as soon as they walked out the door and I turned my head, the room transformed.

It was no longer a bathroom, but some sort of dingy study room. Empty except for you, Rosie.

You just sat there by a round table, as if waiting for me. And suddenly the flickering lights came to a stop and settled on a warm glow. I looked at you and looked at you and my heart caught in my throat.

"Rosie?"

You had your red hair tied back in one of those messy buns and were wearing your Oxford letterman jacket along with your black skinny jeans and beat up combat boots. You were there. For real this time.

You gave me a gentle smile before pulling me into a hug. I couldn't breathe. I could feel your arms around me, I mean really feel them. Solid flesh and bone and just... I could feel your heartbeat.

You had a heartbeat, Rosie.

And you were so warm, like I could feel the all the blood within you. You pulled away to look at me with those blue eyes but all I could think about was how much I wanted to hug you again.

"Hey, Maya."

I could feel my chest start to tighten and my eyes start to water.

"Are you real?" I blurted, voice cracking.

You looked at me with this sort of sad smile.

"Yes, I'm real. But I can't stay long,"

Immediately, I started to panic, thoughts racing, trying to figure out some way to keep you here with me.

Instead, you pulled out a chair for me and invited me to sit down. Without breaking your gaze, I sat.

I was afraid you'd disappear if I looked away.

"You're doing really well," you said.

You gave my knee a pat.

"Hardly... I just dropped outta school, Rosie. That doesn't sound like 'well' to me."

"But you're managing. That's good," you said, and I could feel my eyes start to glaze over with a new wave of tears.

"Why can't you stay?"

"I can't."

"What can I do to make you stay?" I pleaded, reaching for the hem of your jacket.

"Maya... I'm already gone. I just stopped by to check on you, that's all," your smile kinda dropped a little bit and I knew you were sad about it too.

I could feel the tears flowing out my eyes in streams but I couldn't stop.

"Rosie, I miss you. Can't you stay a while?" I wiped at my nose, hoping you'd give in.

"I'm sorry, kiddo. I've gotta go," you gave my hand a squeeze before standing up.

"Go where?" I stood up, alarmed.

"Away for a little while."

"But will I ever see you again?"

I wanted to reach out to you, to touch you, to feel your heartbeat one more time.

"Maybe someday. Promise me you'll take care of yourself?"

You gave me one of those rare stern looks of yours.

"I—okay."

I stood up to give you a hug once again, but this one was more fleeting, more urgent.

I squeezed you and watched my tears drop onto your letterman jacket. I felt your heartbeat.

I turned around to push in my chair before saying, "I love you," but you were already gone.

I miss you, Rosie.

I love you.

I do.

-Maya xo

Turkey Day List #2

To all the beautiful creatures in my life, this is for you.

(Casually meant to post this a few days ago, oops, my bad)

..........

Mami & Papi: Thanks for teaching me that grown ups still have a lot of growing up to do.

YD & Javi: My precious bros, now and forever.

Suki: I'll see you soon, baby.

Grandma & Grandpa: Thanks for sending me an adorable card for every holiday season.

Abuelo y Abuela: Los quiero mucho. Gracias por toda su paciencia.

Lori & David: Without your care, I don't know where I'd be. I guess we're full circle now.

Titi Dorianny: You are the strongest person I know. Te quiero tantisimo <3

Tia Susan: You've been my savior this year, you really have.

Ali: Thanks for letting me invade your space, ily :*

Wilsons/Estrellas/Fishers: I know we don't all get along but we love each other just the same.

Kerrs/Doires/Martins: Thank you for always making me feel like a part of the family.

Pri: Chacha, eres mi numero 1. Sabes que te quiero ahora y siempre.

William: Words can't really begin to describe how thankful I am for you. Though our true origin story is somewhat laughable, what happened next was nothing less than magical. It's day 14 (but not like I'm counting) and you have made me feel more special than anyone else on this planet. It's still hard to believe you're real sometimes, but I guess I'll just have to get used to that. Thank you for your sweetness, your kindness and compassion, your loyalty, authenticity and support. Thank you for the phone calls that lasted more than five hours at a time. Thank you for your hugs, your kisses, and your spirit. Thank you for your Spotify playlists and for reading poetry to me. Thank you for the naps and the dance parties and all the fun in between. You are one of the kind, you are. Who knows where we'll take us, but I sure am having fun in the meantime <3

Michael, Natalia, Liam, Warren, & Jack: It's been so lovely meeting you and I cannot thank you enough for being apart of my William's life. I hope to see you all soon! (especially you, Natalia xx)

Fonts: You continue to be nothing but a constant source of happiness for me. Please make sure we make it to that seven year mark.

Mike: I love you, Sitka. Even though we've grown up and stuff doesn't mean I don't still need you.

Caellum: You worry me so much and yet parts of me believe we're two sides of the same coin. It'll be all right.

T: Hope you're doing swell, dad.

Thom: Thanks for being my first introduction to the world of magical substances. Your help was very much needed... *laughs hysterically whilst sweating*

Scotty P: Well now that I figured out you go to Middlebury, I guess I'm just gonna hafta visit ya soon, aren't I?

Claire: Girl, you keep slaying like you do. I've always looked up to you and you do not disappoint. Much love to you, babe <3

Emmalene: Hey, gorgeous. Thank you for making me smile even when you're down. You make it easy to be happy again.

Maeve: To be honest, I know neither of us talks all that much anymore but I am ECSTATIC for you and everything you do with your life. Yer a stunna.

Heather: Thank you for being a devoted blog reader, it means more than you know. Also thanks for listening to my endless nonsense rambles.

Sophia: Hello hi I'm still in love with you come adopt me sometime pls :*

Lauryn: Casually let me know when the cast list is out because I'm about to hop on that calendar and write the dates down, I have GOT to see you slay that stage. P.S: I love you so much, bby. You continue to be my crush <3

Kelila: You sweet creature, you. Thanks for all the smiles and the tears and the laughs. You deserve nothing but the best. Also, SCAD DON'T KNOW HOW LUCKY THEY JUST GOT, GO KILL 'EM.

Sarah: AHHHHH hello new best friend!!! Can't wait to turn up in Brooklyn with you! Sincerely, if y'all don't tie the knot, Imma be real upset. Jk jk no pressure but actually tho

Riley: I fuckin' love you, dude. I think about you every day. Go make the world a better place, you got this.

Megan: My better spouse, you are just so precious. I cannot imagine my life without you. I hope senior year isn't beating your ass like it did mine. I BELEAF IN YOU!

Emma: I know you're like a trillion feet taller than me now, but you're still my baby sister. Sophomore year sucks, and it will continue to suck, but the rest gets better. I promise. Your big sister loves you so very much. Thank you for being another reason not to die.

Amanda: Hey, I hope college hasn't stamped out your spirit, cuz babe, there's no one else like you.

Evan: Hey, loser. How's my best frand doin'? I miss you so much every single day and I casually might not ever give you your pants back :) jk I will it might just be a while ANYWHO, I kinda wanted to write you something that wasn't actually mean for once. You know. Something nice and wholesome. Don't worry, I'll go back to treating you like trash immediately after :) So. This is just to say you are hands down one of the BEST things that could have happened to me in my few short months at Vassar. Part of me feels like you're my long lost twin (which would explain why we treat each other like trash but also care about each other a whole lot lot lot). I dunno, dude, I miss our long walks and our trips to the Deece and walking back to Cushing while throwing shade at Noyes and I miss making fun of your tomato hands and I miss binging Narcos with you and Stranger Things and dropping classes every other day. I miss our fight club and our long chats in the basement and doing laundry and just idk existing in the same space. You mean more to me than you know. I know this all might just sound like sappy shit to you but I mean it. I love you, ya stinkin' banana. So much. Please don't forget about me while I'm gone. Okay. I'm done. Hope you had a fab Thanksgiving, fucker :)

Linnea: Hello, love. Can I just point out that you are the best roommate I've ever had? I know you probably don't believe me but guuuuuuuurl, I've seen some shit XD Anyway, this is just me telling you everything I've already said before—Linnea, my love, you are so beautiful, and so talented, and so fucking kind. Like I don't even think you understand. Your hugs and your smiles and your forehead kisses and your post its and your text messages and your radiance would just make my day. Thank you for all those times we stayed up late ordering Bacio's and watching Disney movies or Full House. Thank you for all the times you reminded me I needed to pee. Thank you for your Heath Bars on bad days and dance parties on good days. Thank you for dealing with all my crazy and all my emotional reck-ness. Thank you for unintentional twinning and for teaching me to do my eyebrows and for not judging me for my lack of clothing at all times. Thank you for stealing food from the Deece with me and for rants about pretty boys. You mean the world to me, darling. I cannot WAIT to see you again. You are such a shining star, and you better believe it. No one shines quite as brightly as you. I love you I love you I love you <3

Juliana: Mi amorrrrrrr, te extraño tanto!!! I can't wait to go back and just dance the night away with you again. For real though, you make everything more fun. You gotta teach me Portuguese sometime! Take care of Samira while I'm gone, she worries me sometimes XD

Prat: My duuuuude, I'm sorry we never quite got around to seeing each other as much as we wanted to but props for being one of my first friends at Vassar. I miss your hugs and our drunken endeavors. We gotta catch up on that next year, yeah?

Githu: Casually had a crush on you like the first week of school, oops? Hahaha no but for real though, you're drop dead gorgeous and you deserve to know that. Also I wish we saw each other more because whenever we hung out, it was a good time. Much love!!!

Moe: It looks like Cushing is going to see you around more than me now, huh?

Pedro: Keep doing your thing, dude. It's rad.

Anthony: Mijo, espero que te estes cuidando bien, ah? Cuando vuelva, tenemos que comenzar esas cenas españolas, okay?

Sergio: Esa noche que bailamos juntos fue un verdadero éxito. Aunque de verdad no ayudó que me acababa de tomar tres shots de tequila...

Ethan: Wow wow wow #1 best stufel EVER. Like, you have no idea how helpful you've been in the time that I spent at Vassar. I couldn't have done it without you.

The Night Owls-- I LOVE YOU (OWL) ALL!

Lily: Not gonna lie, was casually intimidated by you during auditions and callbacks but then learned how wacky and darling you were and fell absolutely in love!

Chiara: You are such a stunna. Like WOW I forget to sing my part whenever you're soloing because I lowkey become mesmerized at how talented you are but oh whaleeeee!

Imani: Thank you coming up to me at the activities fair and for asking me if I liked to sing. That's lowkey how I got it all started... I could never repay you for that <3

Bailey: Thank you for being my rock as I struggled through a helluva tough decision. Your help was so so so appreciated.

Jacqui: MAMA!!! I miss our mutual geekiness over superheroes and our sectionals and literally any time ever spent with you. I look up to you so so so much.

Haley: Sorta loved you from the first moment you opened your mouth. What can I say? That first impression did not lie.

Zoe: I will never forget the first time I heard you sing Trickle. My jaw literally dropped. You amaze me.

Olivia: I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T MET YOU YET, MAMA, BUT I CAN'T WAIT TO!

Emma: 5'2 CLUB! I feel like we have very similar souls and I am so thankful for your good vibes and good advice <3

Sam: You sometimes make me cry with how genuine you are. No lie, your hugs and authenticity give me life. And Hayden Elizabeth the Dinosaur, too.

Ariana: HEY THANKS FOR BEING MY QUEER CHAPERONE! IT WAS LIT!

Sab: That one mug night with you made me learn so much and I can't remember having a more entertaining time xx

Maisha: My darling Maisha, seeing your face in rehearsal was like saying hello to the sun.

Helen: My sweet Helen, your work snapchats were hella relatable and I lowkey miss them so much.

Elena: My dear Elena, your elegance and goofiness can be described as nothing more than high art.

The cast of Spring Awakening: To be completely honest, I'd wanted to be a part of this show since I was twelve years old. Even though I didn't end up being onstage with you, it meant the world to at least be chosen to be a part of it in the first place. Much love. (Also I'm expecting to see a recording soon please and thank you)

Las niñas de Cayacoa: No podría amar lo que estoy haciendo si no fuera por ustedes. Las quiero. Cuidanse bien, oyeron?

Barbara: Holy wow, I have never actually found someone who worked and well, you worked and so I'm sort of amazed. Wow wow wow good job universe for pairing us together and all :)

Aaron Tveit: What a beautiful man you are wow let's get married thank you

Ben Platt: So if I could have your babies, that would be nice. I just need them to sing. Jk jk thank you for showing me what performance is all about. Thank you for reminding me why I want to make it my profession.

Zoella: Once again, you never fail to make me smile. You've always been there, from the very beginning :)

Me: You've made it this far. I dare you to live a little longer.

..........

And those are just a few of the big ones.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Turkey Day List #1

Another year gone by and tons of new stuff to be grateful for <3

To lists: You see the irony in this, don't you?

To Berklee 2k17: Such a win.

To Legally Blonde: Elle was one of the hardest roles I've ever had to play but it was an absolute honor and privilege to be a part of.

To AP Euro: I think Daddy P finally gave up on us but you gotta admit, we were probs one of his favorite classes, just sayin'.

To Senior Spring: Wow wow wow I accomplished zero things during that time :)

To The Auditorium Wall: I finally got around to signing you. I tried my best not to cry <3

To PAS '17: We did it!!!

To the Abbey: Thanks for the good times but I sure as hell am glad you're gone. Also I'm broke af so I dunno why you keep asking me for money #sorrynotsorry

To Vassar College: HOLY SHIT THANK YOU FOR ACCEPTING ME OMG I AM NOT WORTHY OF YOU WOW WOW WOW I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA BE COLLEGELESS BUT THEN YOU CAME ALONG AND SAVED THE DAY THANKSSSSS

To Grad Week 2k17: You've seen some shit. Let's keep it between us.

To Summer 2k17: Possibly one of my worst summers yet but the one that has taught me the most.

To International Orientation '21: It's lit.

To Domestic Orientation '21: Sorry I spent 90% of the time sleeping through you.

To 1East: Despite smelling like weed 24/7, you're pretty all right.

To Cushing House: The purple Cushosaur holds a dear place in my heart. For real tho, for a dorm named Cushing, you seriously need to invest in some better cushions...

To Room 111: I miss you and the memories I hold there so dearly. Take care of my Linnea.

To Linnea's Post-it notes: You've made me laugh and cry. I love you.

To Skinner Hall: Thanks for listening to me belt in your bathrooms in the ungodly hours of the morning.

To nighttime adventures with Evan: Some of the best highlights this year. I love and miss you so dearly.

To Italiano 105: My dudes, what a wild ride. I'm so bummed I won't be in the same class as you anymore but I'm sure y'all are killing it in the meantime and I hope Filippo is treating you well.

To Bacio's: Lowkey best food in town. 10/10 would recommend.

To the Buddhist Monastery: Something magical happened there. Thank you.

To Evan's sweatpants: You're super cozy and I might never give you back.

To the Wilson-Fisher home: You are my sanctuary. My safe haven. I cannot begin to express my gratitude.

To peppermint hot chocolate: You know where it's at.

To my new room: I'm starting to fall in love with you a little bit.

To my Reasons: You've worked thus far.

To the Library: The start of something good. Really good.

To Loving Vincent: What a masterpiece you are.

To the fog: You bring me peace.

To experiences I have not yet gone through: Please tell me I survive in the end.

To the Sky: The world can't be all bad while you exist.

A lot can happen in a year. It has not been easy but I am so blessed.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

RAWR

Hi. I think you're asleep right now.
I hope you're dreaming about breathtaking things.
Anyway.
I'm writing to let you know that I really can't stop thinking about you, hard as I try.
And that scares me.
Like a lot.
Day 1 went really well, Day 2 even better, and I just can't quite map out how I feel like I've known you all my life.
Is that weird?
Oh, who am I kidding? Of course it's weird.
Don't mind me killing insomnia by writing about you <3

..........

Are you real?

How did you swim your way to me?

Someone like you doesn't exist.

Not even in my wildest dreams.

No, nobody has those blue-grey eyes of yours.

The dark ring around the exterior, crashing with the softer inside hues.

Nobody's got those shimmering, kaleidoscope eyes that dilate every time they see me.

Nobody's got those full lips that curl upwards without even trying.

Nobody's got that laugh that bubbles up and explodes, before sighing.

You've got me mesmerized, you have.

Inexplicably, like you just washed up ashore and turned out to be the most beautiful thing on this beach.

You're like a battered conch shell that plays echoes of the most stunning song.

You're like that feeling you get after sitting in the sun.

You're like a terrible chaos of wild and fun.

You're like peppermint hot chocolate.

Warm, hot, comforting, minty, great for a rainy day ;)

I like how you look at me when you think I'm not paying attention.

I like how you take my hands in your larger ones, kissing them and keeping them warm.

I like how you made an entire playlist of songs that remind you of me.

I like how you call me My Maya.

I hope I continue to get to know the you you want to be.

I hope your passions grow and allow you to succeed.

I hope the world lights up your eyes like a Christmas tree.

I hope at the end of the day, it's me you get to see.

I cannot promise I will age with grace, I cannot promise I will make no mistakes,

But at the sight of the sun, I shall not run,

And instead take the risk with open arms.

I know it sounds scary, I know, and it is, but the window is open.

Shall we see what happens next?

..........

Rawr.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Reasons Part 9

Reasons Not to Die:

1. The possibility of becoming a financially stable adult human being
2. The smell of new books
3. Fairy lights
4. 10/10 more reasons to laugh when you're not dead
5. Grandma's jell-O salad
6. Thanksgivings in Vermont
7. Yan Diego
8. Buying presents for other people
9. Rainbows
10. I gotta go back to Ireland

Reasons Part 8

Reasons Not to Die:

1. Fat cats that actually like you
2. Bomb ass Spotify playlists
3. Waffle fries
4. When you wake up before your alarm
5. Cold showers on a hot day
6. The way squirrels bounce around in waves
7. Masturbation
8. Snazzy socks
9. Drawing perfectly shaped hearts
10. Sleeping stark naked

Reasons Part 7

Reasons Not to Die:

1. Billy Joel
2. Velcro sneakers
3. Dulce de leche
4. Bear hugs
5. Cool handshakes
6. Those times you find a dollar in your pocket when you weren't expecting it
7. Sunsets
8. Daisy chains
9. The way a popsicle makes you feel on a hot day
10. Butterfly kisses

Epiphanies

Music is such an unbelievably magical thing, you guys.

It's so fucking powerful and transcendent and transformative and it's just so hard to put into words.

It's just... it's able to make you feel so many things and it makes you laugh and cry and gives you thrills and goosebumps and heart palpitations and GOD it's so beautiful.

Sorry, I just needed to get that out.

Sweet dreams, my loves <3

Much love xoxo

Maya

Reasons Part 6

Reasons Not to Die:

1. String cheese
2. Watermelon Jolly Ranchers
3. Stranger Things
4. My purple winter jumpsuit
5. Cheese cubes
6. Well-loved stuffed animals
7. Knitted hats
8. Manchego wedges
9. Pants that fit perfectly
10. I really like cheese

Reasons Part 5

Reasons Not to Die:

1. Night Owls <3
2. More likely to get cast on Broadway if I'm alive
3. Memes that actually make me laugh out loud
4. Quaker Oats Dinosaur Oatmeal
5. Learning the names of all the constellations
6. I need to know how The Fosters ends
7. Thin crust pizza
8. Becoming an aunt in the future
9. Caramel kisses
10. Christmas caroling

Reasons Part 4

Reasons Not to Die:

1. Babies
2. The possibility of JK Rowling writing another Harry Potter book
3. Bumblebees
4. Ocean waves
5. The way that dogs lick your face when they love you
6. Oatmeal Raisin Cliff Bars
7. The cold side of the pillow
8. Really fast wifi
9. All the bath bombs I haven't tried
10. Peppermint hot chocolate

Where I'm At

Hello again, lovelies.

In case you didn't already know, a LOT can happen in a week. Or a couple of weeks, I guess.

We left off at a cappella auditions, right?

Turns out, each a cappella group you get accepted to has this tradition where they "sing you in", or basically they come knocking on your door in the middle of the night and serenade you whilst giving you little tokens of their appreciation (like cupcakes and cards and CDs and shotglasses.)

So that happened to me three times. Honestly? It was a tad embarrassing. Like don't get me wrong, holy shit, I was so grateful and everything to the Vastards ('90s and early '00s group), BAM! (Broadway and More) and the Night Owls (all women's jazzy/contemporary group) for choosing me and being so generous and stuff but like... the people on my hall weren't exactly pleased about all the ruckus XD Home Brewed turned me down but oh whale.

I waited and waited until about 1:30am for any word from the Devils (the group I'd been following and fantasizing about since I was fifteen) and eventually it was a no. I mean, out of the twelve people who got called back, they only pulled three. It was mad competitive. And sure, I was weepy about it, and sure I was upset, and sure I made Evan stay up with me so I wouldn't feel as bad about myself, but in the end I got over it. I still think they're a phenomenally talented group and I am truly happy for their newest members (seriously, I am really proud of them—they deserve it).

I ended up choosing the Night Owls and it's probably the best decision I ever made.

There, I've found a community of individuals who are so talented and have such a passion for what they do... They care so much not only about the music but about each other and they are so supportive of one another and it makes my heart happy, it really does. (Y'all are fantastic and I couldn't ask for a better group of lovelies to hang out and make music with!)

It's also pretty great because I have about a million owl-themed things now.

Apparently it's tradition for the newbies to be called babies and then the veterans are called the mamas. It's kind of adorable.

SO. I thought it'd be a wonderful idea to introduce you to the gang:

My mamas are Jacqui and Olivia <3 (We're the sop 1s)

Then there's Bailey, Sabrina and Emma, the sop 2s. Sadly, they didn't get any babies this year :(

Next are the altos—Imani, Zoe, Ariana, Sam, and their baby, Maisha.

And of course, the bass's—Lily, Chiara, Haley, and their babies, Helen and Elena.

Literally, they're the cutest bunch of people and they're so talented and I flipping love them all.

ANYWHO.

Let's see... what else is up...

Oh. Well I auditioned, got called back for, and then got cast in a play. Namely, Spring Awakening.

No big deal, just the one show I've wanted to be a part of since I was twelve years old but it's fine.

I will be playing Thea (sort of background, ensemble character) and I am super duper excited!!! To tell the truth, it's nice because I won't have as many lines to memorize and I won't be nearly as stressed out as the leads (rip Alice and Daniel) <3

So that's going on. Between Spring Awakening rehearsals and Night Owls rehearsals (or as Evan likes to call it, Hoot Practice), I'm sort of a busy gal. I know that might not sound like a lot for some people but like I'm pretty low-functioning at the moment so I'm quite proud of myself :)

I got to see my Tia Susan for parent weekend and that was a serious highlight. She's quite possibly one of my favorite people because she's so loving and she just gets me, she really gets me. I can't wait to see her again for Thanksgiving!

I also got to see both my parents and that was kind of a mess but I love them and I know they're trying.

I dealt with a stalking situation and a sexual assault situation within two weeks of each other and I'm still processing that.

Evan and I managed to binge up to the end of Season 2 of Narcos, so believe it or not, I've been having quite a lot of dreams about Pablo Escobar...

I did many adult things like buying my own groceries and filling out official documents and depositing checks and the like. I can hardly recognize myself.

I decidedly still don't like coffee.

The rug in the Estee Lauder Parlor still smells like cat piss and it's highly concerning.

I've fallen in love with the Dear Evan Hansen and the Be More Chill soundtracks. Go listen to them, I'm not kidding. Excellent stuff.

Late night ice cream at the Deece (our dining hall) is officially my favorite thing.

I finished up my first round of midterms and they were far easier than I thought they were going to be (I was so relieved, it's not even funny.) I mean, it's not like I stayed up 'til 4:30am studying for my intro psych exam, it's fine :) :) :) note the sarcasm

OH! OH! OH! I also received my first paycheck and holy wow it hurts so much more to spend money when it's your own.

I had a schedule-credit-crisis-mix-up and as a result, I'm headed to stay at a Buddhist monastery next weekend. So that should be interesting.

I witnessed a baby fox and their mama nuzzling each other around 5am one morning.

The Deece's omelettes are my only motivation to eat breakfast in the mornings. Thus far, I've only gotten up twice.

Linnea is quite literally the best roommate I could ever ask for. She's helped me deal with many a sticky situation and always leaves me adorable little post-it notes on my desk and taught me how to make friendship bracelets and she puts up with my crazy and it's great.

Shoutout to all the incredible people who have helped me through some particularly shitty times <3

The truth is, I'm not doing very well. I mean, it may seem like I am to a certain extent, but I'm not. I've got a lotta family stuff going on right now and some crazy wild transitions I'm dealing with and it's just sort of brought me back to a really dark place so I'm trying to manage that. Like, earlier this week, I couldn't get out of bed for a solid two days. It felt impossible. Depression is such a serious thing and I wish people were more informed about it.

I'm not saying this to make any of you worry or pity me, but just so you know where I'm at (I'm sorry for stealing your phrase, Imani, it just works.) I'm trying my best to work on myself right now. Sometimes it's great, other times, not so much. And I'm trying to be okay with that. I'm lucky enough to have a really great support network so that definitely helps.

I dunno, you guys. I'm just trying my best.

I guess people say that's all you can ever ask but sometimes it feels like they expect way more than that.

I dunno. Maybe that's just me.

Either way, I'm on break right now. I'm writing to you from my dad's place in Brooklyn. I think we're gonna hit good ol' Rhody later this week to see my older brother. Who knows.

If you've read any of my latest posts, you'll notice they're just lists.

I'm trying to make a series of lists of ten reasons I don't wanna die. It's worked so far.

Your love is always appreciated, I mean that <3

Please take care of yourselves.

Take your meds. Hydrate. Shower. Eat. Sleep. They're all equally important.

I believe in you.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Reasons Part 3

Reasons Not to Die:

1. Puddles
2. Hot showers
3. The possibility that faeries are real
4. Handwritten letters
5. The feeling you get when you make someone smile
6. Green apples
7. Linnea's post-it notes
8. Oddly shaped clouds that are funny to look at
9. Licking the frosting off of the spoon
10. All the treehouses I haven't explored yet

Reasons Part 2

Reasons Not to Die:

1. The feeling after brushing your teeth
2. The first snowfall
3. All the poems I haven't written
4. Extra whipped cream on smoothies
5. Cold pizza
6. Crackling fireplaces
7. Kittens
8. Sunshine on a chilly afternoon
9. Swishy dresses
10. My wedding day

Reasons Part 1

Reasons Not to Die:

1. Chipmunks
2. The smell of strawberries
3. Javier
4. All the music I haven't heard
5. Not being able to hit Evan in the stomach with my water bottle
6. Laughing
7. Drunk affirmations from Fonts
8. Car rides with Claire
9. Suki
10. Fuzzy socks

College???

Wow it's been a while.

I know I meant to keep you updated but I sort of completely forgot because, well, college is hella busy.

Anyhow, I write to you from my current workstudy job as an office assistant (I literally do nothing but get paid for doing my homework, it's kinda great). Should I give you a rundown of the past three weeks? Yes? No? Oh whale, you're getting it anyway, enjoy :)

I moved into my lovely Hogwarts-esque home on August 17th, 2017. The day was blazing hot and busy and overwhelming and a mixture of emotions. I cried when leaving my dad and about a lot of other things but like it's chill I'm fine we're fine everything's fine.

International Orientation was SO BUSY but I loved practically every second of it. That's where I met many of my current friends, among them my Brazilian babe Juliana, our know-it-all Lebanese Honest Wipes Moe, Samira my Bengali cutie, Prat my Indian flower boy, my Singaporean goddess Githu, and Sara my Indian wife/lover. Needless to say, we had a lot of fun together (including our totally illegal party at the TAs in which I may have gotten excessively drunk but shh)

About five days later, the Americans came and not gonna lie, it felt like a fucking invasion. The good news is I finally got to see my lovely bubbly roomie, Linnea <3 (big props to you, my love, I flipping adore you and I can't wait to watch Newsies and make friendship bracelets with you tonight)

Regular orientation was, well, the opposite of fun. Far too packed and busy and excessive and redundant and overwhelming and no me gustó. (I skipped like 70% of the events because they were ew) The upside is I made a few new friends, among them Levi, who I can't describe as anything other than a literal cartoon character with the purest heart I've ever known; Pedro, a crazy combo of Brazil and Tennessee, Michael Gibb and Jon Snow; Anthony, a bleach blonde sass queen from Philly with some common Dominican roots and a music taste to die for; and finally Erica, my adorable Asian American pop punk pixie. I also met my current bitch (jk, I mean best friend), Evan. He likes to think he's Canadian but he's not. I mean, we became friends by mutually laughing over a loud ice machine so, I think I'm doing pretty well for myself XD Ethan, my student fellow (or as all you other plebs call it, RA) is essentially a 40-year-old man in the body of a 19-year-old and is a literal dad and has made my life infinitely easier and for that I couldn't be any more grateful.

In terms of classes, my favorite has gotta be Elementary Italian (we just sing and play games and watch funny videos and it's great.) My freshman seminar Greek Tragedy for Trauma is intense and covers a lot of intense topics but we have really incredible discussions so that's cool. Intro to Psych is exactly what you'd expect, fascinating but a lot of work. I haven't begun my music or education courses yet but I'm super excited to because the professors are supposed to be legends :)

Let's see, what else?

Oh! Well, a cappella auditions are today and tomorrow so I'm casually trying not to die from nerves :)

..........

WOW WOW WOW OKAY COOL THAT WAS ALL WRITTEN LIKE A MILLION YEARS AGO MY BAD LET'S MOVE ON

Soooooo update:

I had a meltdown the night before last and therefore skipped class because I was super sad because depression does that sometimes (thankyouthankyouthankyouevan youareincredible) but I STILL WENT TO WORK BECAUSE I AM A RESPONSIBLE ADULT.

After that, I shuffled my way through two a cappella auditions, the Vastards and the Night Owls, both of which I'd like to think went swimmingly. Feeling exhausted but jittery and slightly bored, Evan and I both went for a walk through the woods in the deadass of night and I kid you not, I could feel a thousand ticks crawling all over me. I hate bugs. So much.

Theeeen we came back to our humble abode, Cushing House, and decided it would be a wonderful idea to watch The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe <3 I can't tell you how sleepy I was after that (I think I fell asleep during the last twenty minutes—eating sour skittles does that to you.) It was all somewhat of a blur, I don't really know. The couch was comfy and I had stolen the entire blanket :)

This morning, I woke up around 11:30ish, realized I had an audition in exactly an hour, booked it to the basement in order to do my laundry, ran back upstairs to change into decent human being clothes, ran through my song a couple times, raced back downstairs to throw my laundry in the dryer before dashing all the way to Main for my audition.

Luckily, this was the group my student fellow, Ethan, was in. So right before I went in, he came out and gave me a hug and gave me the usual pep talk. In I walked and the group of hilariously awkward and amazing humans beamed at me while I shuffled back and forth. I think it went well.

Seeing as I hadn't eaten anything at this point, I hit up our dining hall (affectionately known as the Deece) to eat a total of three melon slices and a really sad banana. I sat with Evan, Levi, and these other girls Abby and Eva. Minutes later, I noticed I was running late for my Devils audition (lowkey my most important one) and so I ran the fuck outta that building only to leave my poor loving water bottle behind dun dun dunnnnnnnn

No worries, though. I called up my main bitch and asked him to bring it to me, which he very kindly did (I didn't realize until afterwards that he ran all the way to Rocky—where my audition was happening—just so I could have my water before my audition.)

I know I give you shit, dude, but you're a gem :)

Let's just say that audition was nerve-wracking as all heck but I kind of had an amazing time??? Anywho, I did one more audition for a group called BAM! before Evan and I had to walk back to the Deece just so I could get real food this time. The time in between is kinda faded to me at the moment but I think we walked back to Cushing so we could catch up on homework (until Evan proceeded to have an existential crisis but oh whale he's fine now).

Bla bla bla time passes, I take excessive notes for my Intro Psych class, Evan bitches about his freshman seminar that he desperately wants to drop, and then I check my email and I get a callback.

And then another one.

And another one.

And another.

Until I get emails back from all five groups I auditioned for and could not feel any happier :)

So it looks like I have many callback thingys to attend tomorrow and I'll know which groups have officially accepted me by tomorrow night! Much excite.

Other interesting things that have happened in no particular order:

Some kid on my hall has a bird named Harpo that he takes with him everywhere and he's kind of really popular.

I've had dangerously painful laugh attacks just about every single day I've been here and I don't know how to feel about it.

I had to deal with an extremely not fun stalking situation but not to worry, it is dealt with and I am safe and okay and I had incredible friends to help me through it <3

I haven't broken out the pajamas-to-class look yet so GO MAYA!

I licked a battery. Odds is not a fun game.

My best drunken conversation occurred lying atop a bridge.

I trespassed a nursery school after hours to get into their playground.

I FINALLY PUT MY MATTRESS TOPPER UNDER MY COVERS IT WAS DRIVING ME CRAZY

Someone in Main dorm pooped their pants and left it in the shower to rot.

We had our first shower sex scandal of the year on the second floor.

Late night ice cream is the best ice cream.

I did many adult things like filling out documents and federal forms and stuff and I am proud of myself :)

I wrote words of encouragement on random white boards in the science building because it's all about spreading the love my dudes <3

The a cappella showcase gave me goosebumps it was so exciting ahhhhhhhhhh

I've seen so many deer and chipmunks and squirrels and dogs and birds and groundhogs here and I feel like a Disney princess *insert heart eyes*

I've gotten paper cuts on far too many occasions and it's pissing me off.

Aaaaaaaand I can't quite think of anything else currently so I'll get back to you if anything insane happens.

All in all, I flipping love this place, even though I'm just starting to get accustomed to it. I truly believe I made the right choice. At least for now. We'll see.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Today's the Day!

Hi friends :)

Well, after a good long seventeen years, the day is finally come.

Yep. Maya moves into college today.

I can barely believe it myself.

I feel like I've been looking forward to this moment for years now and I sort of don't know how to feel now that it's here.

Well, for one, I slept maybe a total of two good minutes last night before waking up and lying awake, unable to fall back asleep from anxiety.

I mean, don't get me wrong, Vassar is pretty much everything I've ever dreamed of and more. Heck, both my parents went there and that's how they met—simple as that. I guess it's just that growing up hearing infamous stories and the like built so many subconscious expectations in me that I'm having a hard time managing it.

Ughhh there are so many things I need to do and people to meet and things to unpack and stuff to buy and I am truly, truly excited but I'm also lowkey gonna shit myself so that's where I'm at, folks.

Anyhow, I've gotta get going here, chicuelos. The moving van summons my presence.

Will update you later on how it all pans out. Hopefully. Maybe. Probably not.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Present Positives :)

Hi friends!

I know it's been a while. I'm sorry, my bad. But anyway, I went back to my blog and read the last couple of entries and noticed an unbelievably depressing pattern. While I don't apologize for my writing—because I meant every last one of those words—I do apologize for the seemingly endless somber tone. The past few weeks, hell, the whole summer's been filled with challenges and ups and downs and bouts of depression and anxiety and things... HOWEVER. Considering I am done with work and finally have free time again, I thought I'd catch you up or something on all the not-so-awful things going on :) Sorry if this isn't exactly terribly important, I just thought my blog could use a change of tone.

First and foremost:

HAPPY 36TH BIRTHDAY, HARRY JAMES POTTER!!!

My dude is getting quite old if y'all hadn't noticed. (Daniel Radcliffe, on the other hand, is looking fine as ever *cue heart eyes*)

Okay okay okay where to start...

Well, as I mentioned, I no longer have to go to work and wake up at 6am and have no life so that is super great!!! Don't get me wrong, I love every last one of my precious girls but they were quite a handful and I found myself losing my voice for days at a time. Plus it's nice to be able to sleep in.

Mami's also been taking us to see "live" screened performances from London (I say "live" cuz of the timezone difference so it's not actually live by the time we get to see it but no matter). Over the past two weeks, I got to see The Old Vic's production of Twelfth Night (which holds a dear place in my heart seeing as it was the first Abbey production I was ever in) and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead. Let me just say, holy fucking hell, they are exactly the reason I want to pursue theater. Like, just the sheer dramaticism and boldness of the actors was so unbelievably hysterical and captivating UGH I was so in love <3 Now, Imma just gush about them for a bit so pay no mind.

Okay wow guys just wow wow wow so Twelfth Night was set in a more modern time and it was uber gender-bent and like it worked so flawlessly and seamlessly and their choice for music (live music, btw) was so perfect and well-executed and hysterical like the musicians had no lines but they were onstage almost all the time and would react to the stuff happening onstage and it was amazing and I loved it and I also freaking love the fact that they cast actors from all different places of the UK like they all had different accents and it made it all so much more interesting I dunno maybe that's just me but anywho I was so so so in love with the woman who played Viola like holy wow first of all the fact that they had so many POC in this show was SO AWESOME and just yay yay yay

End of Rant No.1

Now for Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead lemme just say that I HAD NO CLUE MY BABY DANIEL RADCLIFFE WAS GONNA BE IN IT like no one informed me of this??? I was not emotionally prepared??? And to top it all off, let me just point out that he played Rosencrantz, which was the exact role Gary Oldman played a bazillion years ago. Who's Gary Oldman, you say? Why no other than the man who played fucking SIRIUS BLACK!!! In other words, HARRY POTTER'S GODFATHER!!! In other words, Daniel Radcliffe was meant to play the part cuz his onset godfather played the part and both of them were literally perfect for the role like I cannot even begin to explain it to you like this show was just the perfect combination of hysterical and deep as shit holy wow like don't get me wrong it is incredibly existentialist and philosophical and complicated at times but as someone who highkey loves that stuff, it was unbelievable. I cried and laughed actual tears and found myself mesmerized time and time again by the sheer TALENT these actors brought to the stage. Probably one of my favorite shows to date.

End of Rant No.2

SO now that that's out of the way... I have more things to tell you! So as you may or may not know, I am attending my parent's alma mater in the fall and I am beyond excited for many many many reasons, reasons I shall list below:

1. Their theater program is AMAZING. Like, hands down, one of the best in the country for non-art schools.

2. I shall be taking Italian which I've wanted to learn since I was five years old.

3. I shall also be taking an introduction to Psychology and an introduction to Jazz Dance which I am beyond pumped for.

4. THEIR A CAPPELLA MIGHT AS WELL BE PROFESSIONAL LIKE HOLY SHIT I WOULD PAY GOOD MONEY TO WATCH THEM PERFORM BUT THE GOOD THING IS I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO

5. I plan on auditioning for one of said a cappella groups.

6. Weird as fuck coincidence, by random selection, I ended up being sorted into the same dorm my mom lived in when she was a student. And to prove that it's even more of a perfect match, people at the college affectionately call it the Hogwarts dorm. Like could this be any more ideal?

7. As of tomorrow, I can start applying for work study jobs which will be v great cuz I shall be v broke.

8. They have a brand new dining service this year which includes A FUCKING FOOD TRUCK like omg yes I 1000% approve.

9. I will be only about two hours away from my dad so I can see him more often than not :)

10. It's fucking gorgeous there and the people I've met so far are incredible and intelligent and hilarious and kind and cool and nonjudgemental and I am so in love with every aspect of this school. (Shoutout to my roomie, Linnea <3 This year's gonna be great!)

And of course many other reasons I can't even begin to list I can't wait to finally be hella gay 

In other news, Papi moved to a new apartment (or will move as of this Friday) and he finally has it all to himself and IT HAS A BATHTUB!!! Now, before you ask me why I'm so enthusiastic about the bathtub, please know that my apartment in DR is absent of one and I haven't been able to take a bubble bath in literally two years. Also know that I am a hygiene freak and a bath product enthusiast and enjoy all things that smell divine which is why I own an unnecessary amount of soaps and bath bombs and bath salts and such. EXCEPT I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO USE THEM UNTIL NOW. So life is great, my dudes, life is great.

Another thing I should probably mention is my newfound addiction to Say Yes To The Dress. Like, I already knew I was into it but I'd never actually binged it 'til this weekend. And let me just say that it is such an unbelievably feel good reality show like wow wow wow the bride's excitement and happiness is so contagious and I love every bit of it. Plus I find myself talking to the screen more than usual. Typically when I find a dress hideous beyond words but you know, it happens. (Shoutout to my new friend Ellie who has vowed to binge watch it with me when we get to college—I love you girl! Hugs and kisses for you!)

OTHER FUN UPDATE: after weeks and weeks and weeks of planning and rescheduling and conflicts and shit, I finally get to marathon Harry Potter with my bestie, Pri. Pizza and blankets and fuzzy socks will be involved so I am so beyond excited for tomorrow!

AND AND AND even though I promised myself to never watch Game of Thrones (didn't feel like giving into the hype, chafeel?) I am actually now in the middle of Season Two so fuck my life cuz it's like really good. Ugh.

Other thing I am super duper mega uber proud of: I have finished reading a total of 12 books this summer, all by my little self. I know, I am v shocked. If only if only I could read academic books that quickly... *sigh* Oh whale.

Let's see, let's see, what else? OH! Well, this weekend, the fam is headed to the beach except we're going to be camping there??? So that should be interesting. Let's just say I'm not much of a nature gal :P

I HAD A REALLY COOL DREAM ABOUT NARNIA LAST NIGHT BUT IT'D BE WAY TOO COMPLICATED TO EXPLAIN SO JUST TAKE MY WORD FOR IT

I am unbelievably excited for sweater weather, my guys. Like you have no idea. Summer here has been suffocating and I need me some chilly vibes.

Pinterest has been like my best friend that last couple of weeks and I'm afraid I'm turning into a middle-aged white woman.

My dog is also adorable. Thought you should know that.

If you are still reading this, I commend you and please know that I appreciate your soul very, very much. Best wishes to all you lovely pumpkins <3

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: Remember to drink water!!! Treat yourself as you would a small child!!!

Fragments of a Fragile Mind

The universe works in funny ways. Last week, things got a bit dark and fuzzy again.

If it weren't for my dearest friends, I don't know where I'd be.

Here are mere fragments of the things said, all from different conversations, bits and pieces of the state of mind.

The purpose was to show the scattered frenzy that I can become and ultimately, to show that you are not alone. The fact that I'm writing this right now proves that I was not alone, even if it felt that way.

I can assure you at this moment in time I am safe and okay.

Caution: May contain triggering content. If you are ever at risk, please get help. I beg of you.

..........

Sorry sorry

I feel sick

So many things happened

How can I not let that define me?

I was trying to be rhetorical, asshole

The sad part is I wanna try again...

Except I wanna succeed this time

I wanna hurt again

So fucking badly

I am so so sorry

I won't do anything tonight

But I cannot tell you how lovely dying sounds

How lovely slipping away sounds

I

I'm trying to be okay

Over and over again

I love you all so much it hurts but I can't tell you how much I want to die

I'm so fucking weak

But I can't get out of my head

You shouldn't love me

Fuck

I want to go

I want to go so badly

My head is pounding

So exhausted

But I'm all snot and tears and yucky

All I'm gonna dream about is dying and I'm scared

I'm sorry for keeping you up

I just feel so fucking lonely

Fucking hell

I just wanna be loved

I don't wanna be judged

I wanna be hugged and told that I matter

And fall asleep not hating myself

I want people to fucking give a shit about me

I don't want to disappear into nothingness

I want to hurt because I don't know how else to be okay

I want the outside to match the inside

Just

I just can't go to work

There's so much blood

I'm literally itching for sharp edges

I'm craving it holy fuck is this what addiction feels like?

I can feel the hurt in my chest, I can physically locate it

I don't even like blood

And how I could so easily drown myself there

It feels like there's this little parasite in my brain telling me that I want things that I don't really want

And I'm too tired to cry anymore

It's just been the worst night ever

Just know that I love you please

And I hope that you love me

But I cannot promise you that I won't try again

I'm sorry if I've failed you

I didn't mean to scare you I'm so sorry

Goddammit 

I just really want to not exist

And I can't bear to put you through another Rosie

I want to end it so bad

I feel like I'm suffocating

But I'm not actually sick

My head throbs

Please don't leave me

I feel lonely

Not your fault

And I couldn't think and my heart was literally ITCHING, like a mosquito bite but inside of me

And I kept scratching at my chest and trying to breathe but it was suffocating

I felt physically attacked

My head was pounding with a migraine. It still is.

And I just can never win ever

I am never right

I am never understood

I'm still in bed

I just feel so unaccepted here

I'm just so angry

I just feel bad

I haven't eaten since 7:30pm last night

I don't want this to get worse

Everything feels so foggy right now

My whole body feels heavy

I still can't get out of bed

I don't know

I'm sorry it's not like I meant to

I love you too

..........

Bless the hearts who endured with me through the early hours of the morning. I couldn't have done it without you.

Please know that I am home and safe and okay. As okay as I can be.

And again, please get help if you are in need of assistance. It is the best thing that will ever happen to you.

I love you all.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

My Friends and the Hundreds of Millions of Things That They Are

Hello loves. I was doing a bit of tumblring the other day when I happened upon something quite interesting and this, right here, my dears, is my attempt at recreating that.

Please don't take offense, just know that every one of these things is what makes me love you even more <3

..........

Claire: nineteen, goldilocks 'til the day she dies, red lipstick and waterproof mascara, films everything her friends do because my god she loves them, blogposts and dark chocolate, bandanas and shades on-the-go, band-T's and pointe shoes, eats trail mix by the pound, chipped nail polish, a smile that makes her eyes crease like sun-rays, car keys and sunscreen, loud music or no music, pancakes and OJ, proud Ravenclaw, Stitchers and T-swizzle, too much perfume and unabashed cackling, no one loves more fiercely than she.

Fonts: twenty-one, begins most sentences with a pun, beer cans and flip-flops, life of the party or first one to crash, bass amps and drunken texts, light hazing and hidden compliments, pocket poetry and solid ground, old music and sage advice, glazed eyes and wide smiles, thoughts that expand beyond the universe, engages in many a poke battle, polo shirts and Bermuda shorts, relentless, Bruce Springsteen and ping-pong, loud singing and wholesome memes, unafraid of dropping everything for the ones he loves.

Mike: twenty, prickly stubble and bone-crushing hugs, goofy smiles and 3/4 socks, dad glasses and drumsticks, honesty and lack of grace, undecipherable texts and American chop suey, the calm after the storm (but sometimes also the storm), Brother Bear and a desire to be needed, pinky promises and Buffalo pizza, impulsive and stupid and an absolute goon, Star Wars and Lord of the Rings, pats on the back and words of encouragement, protective to a fault, Dunkin' Donuts and tired eyes, will always forgive and welcome you back.

Caellum: nineteen, a mess of curls and a jumpy personality, drives too fast, plays too loud, calloused hands and muscle-T's, Shakespeare extraordinaire, color-changing eyes and itty bitty handwriting, microphones and videogames and headphones that don't fit, brooding in shadows and existentialist thoughts, miles of legs with nowhere to go, ice cream and sarcasm, tea leaves and liquor, unfinished poetry and skinny jeans, beanies and irony, weed and cologne, fingerless gloves and Sherlock quotes, Disney movies and warm blankets, loves too deeply, falls too quickly, a force to be reckoned with.

Amanda: seventeen, angels and demons, ukulele strings, snapbacks and leather jackets, bugspray and cigarettes, drunk texts and watchful eyes, rollercoasters and hand-holding, Lauren Jauregui and skin-tight jeans, a mix of perfume and cologne, sly smirks and ringed fingers, hair like a black cascade, sketches and journals and soul sealed shut, danger and risk but excitement, Netflix and whispers in the dark, wears confidence like a cape, literal child and puppy-lover, nightmares and after-cuddles, crucifixes and hockey sticks, sunflower seeds and tough love, a knowing spirit with a knowing heart.

Tom: twenty, wild red mane and height of a tree, high-pitched giggles and shiny guitars, head-banging while lip-synching your favorite songs, all real and there and present, brilliant at one-too-many things, guitar picks and tuners and cool toys, munchies for days, laughter that rattles your soul, eyes that live only in the right now, resident ginger and cheerer upper, John Mayer and unfinished lyrics, mac 'n cheese and Mountain Dew, heart of a lion and drive of a motor engine, never have I ever met a more generous soul.

Sophia: nineteen, basketball hoops and keyboards, laughter that can light up an entire room, no bullshit and no bounds, Adidas and crops tops, mono and cough drops, bouncy black curls and nose rings, jam sessions and inside jokes, ziplock bags filled with NyQuil, lights fireworks as she speaks, heart and soul and no holding back, voice like melted chocolate, secret sororities and med-school lingo, cocoa butter and lactose intolerance, late night chats under magical skies, airplane buddies and mutual hatred, the Angelica to my Eliza, lives every day like her last, consider yourself blessed to be her friend.

Lauryn: sixteen, loud jokes and snide remarks, tight braids and big doe-eyes, musicals and rap battles, pineapples and EpiPens, bra-flinger and tickling extraordinaire, 10/10 will fight you, fanfiction and One Direction, uneven tans and Mexican jokes, talent for making anything sexual, insults those she loves most, Jeff and memes and Capri Suns, an explosion that cannot be contained, hot sauce and banter and booty, stubborn and unflinching, will screenshot anything to blackmail you, butt grabs and raspberry chocolate, 1000% under-appreciated and the whole world needs to know what a wonder she is.

Kelila: seventeen, gentle eyes and flashing teeth, cherry allergies and Dr. Pepper, loudest at the table and quietest in her head, all purple and soft and aching, horses and ice-chewing and violas, converse and rainbows, poetry etched into the corners of notebooks, can always tell when something is wrong, sour gummies and insomnia and clumsiness, injuries and sweet tooths, loud sneezes and cold hands, indecisive, unpredictable, fuzzy and caring and warm, brilliant, hysterical and capable, small lil daisy waiting to bloom.

Riley: sixteen, vanilla and baby powder, mixtapes and distracks, laughs too loud and smiles too big, platonic kisses and baggy T-shirts, polar and extreme, selfies and finsta posts, gummy bears and no filters, hockey sticks and tight dresses, chokers and smiling eyes and too-honest remarks, strawberry blonde and extra butter, glitter eyeliner and softball gloves, a gaze like staring into a galaxy, voice trembling with vibrato, can't help how she feels, tries her damned hardest, all aboard the Angst Express, eyelashes that never stop growing, messy buns and leggings and a desire to be loved.

Megan: seventeen, tangled hair and hot chocolate, long lashes and turtlenecks, excited squeals from miles away, hidden hickeys and homemade nachos, marshmallow-soft hugs and dance parties, shopping buddy and fellow dickphobe, unable to say no, fleece sweatshirts and peppermint, big spoon and hums of approval, Better Spouse with freaky feet, Harry Potter and John Green, leg warmers and organized chaos, mismatched socks and wooly mittens, all of the beauty and all of the charm, will kiss you on the forehead and gift you chestnuts for good luck, basically the purest human I know.

Emma: fifteen, blue eyes like a crystal sea, unknowing of what she wants, eccentric vegetarian, Dutch braids and no grace, Play-Do and Snapchat filters, can't dance and can't be left alone, Mario Kart and fuzzy socks, blue veins and pink cheeks, will travel great distances to keep you fed, mind ablaze with a thousand thoughts per minute, juice boxes and MiniWheats, contagious laughter and made-up songs, one second she loves you and the next—watch out, avoids confrontation, Stitch and bracelets and pockets of sunshine, boybands and playfights and unconditional love, tends to view life through a catastrophic lens, sizzles and pops and just wants to be good enough, my precious child.

..........

So there you have it. Accurate or way off? You let me know ;)

Missing you all a bunch and a half!

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

All the Important Words

The thing about writing important words is at first, no matter what, they're gonna sound like crap. And for a while now, I've been sitting here thinking of important words and the various forms they could be rearranged so they sound like something real but I guess sometimes the important stuff is just gonna sound like crap anyway. Am I making any sense? Oh, bother.

I guess my point is I'm sat here on my bed in a Vassar V-neck and it's 86 degrees outside and I've got second degree burns on my arms and legs from river rafting and I've been up for a consecutive twelve hours trying to finish a book and my owl glasses are on and my face is a mess but I pulled myself together enough so I could sit here and try to write important words.

See, I just finished reading Jennifer Niven's All the Bright Places and without spoiling anything, I can tell you that novel takes you on one heck of a ride. I speak as a teenager. I speak as a seventeen-year-old girl who knows what it's like to love someone so very much and lose them anyhow. I speak as someone who has been there, on every single side of the equation. Listen, recent events in my own life may have allowed for this book to dig a deeper hole in my heart than perhaps it may have if everything had been all right.

My parents are recently divorced.

My very good friend took her own life.

I split with my longterm boy/best friend.

The dark is creeping its way back in and my country is on the brink of revolution.

And yet I am grateful. You see, if anything, All the Bright Places has made me feel more Awake than ever. If you ever read the book (which I highly recommend you do), you'll know what that means. It's just... It's filled with important words—things that need to be said. About adolescence, about mental illness, about friendships, relationships, people, life. We're all just people trying to understand one another and sometimes we think we speak the same language when really, we should be paying more attention to our dialect.

I don't know if that made sense.

In any case, I was in the kitchen a couple of minutes ago, sleep deprived and eating a shitty apple, when suddenly I wanted nothing more than to shout all the important words—loud enough for all the important people to hear.

I love you. More than anything.

Don't leave me.

Please.

I wanted to beg but then the important people would have been alarmed and thought I'd gone insane.

But maybe I am.

Maybe we're all insane and we're all just trying to get by as quickly and quietly and unnoticed as possible?

I'm hungry again. The apple was spoiled, anyway.

I look up at the mirror on my wall and I quite literally feel as though I've aged in the past twelve hours. I can't begin to explain... Just... Like it's just finally there was someone in the world who knew. She knew, and she grabbed the important words and arranged them perfectly and wrote them down and now they're out in the world.

Sue me for having a marshmallow heart, it came with the package.

I need to get my mind off this book, off the fatigue, off the feverish sunburn, so I open my closet and rummage for nail polish.

Only I just remembered I'm shit at painting nails.

My arms look puffy. I think they're swollen from the burn.

I sometimes think my thoughts are much like an angry sunburn: light and near unnoticeable at first, but building in color, building in rage as time goes on; painful and red and stubborn and unflinching when pulled; stinging and burning and seething when touched.

I stand up and feel the skin pull taut around my knees, like rubbery leather. Those for sure will leave an ugly tan.

I wish I could make all these thoughts more cohesive. I'm not really sure which direction I'm going in anymore.

But none of us do.

It's all a mystery and who knows, maybe that's the best part.

I tried to take a nap but all I could think of were Luc and Rosie.

And then all the people who were taken too soon.

What if Matt hadn't fallen asleep and what if Genji had worn a seatbelt and what if Ben hadn't been drinking that night and what if Luc had warned someone and what if someone had just known about Rosie, what if...?

I miss them all so much it hurts.

I dreamt of Rosie and of Luc and just pictured myself hugging them and apologizing over and over and over, tears streaming down my face and they just looked down at me and smiled and patted my head and didn't say a word.

But they were right there. Right in front of me and I couldn't do a damn thing to save them now.

It just didn't seem real. None of it seems real. It's been months and months and none of it seems real.

I suspect it's the sort of pain one doesn't ever really get over, just learns to cope with.

To all my important people:

Know that you are loved. You are so loved and like it or not, you are a part of every single person you've met. You have changed them and become a part of their story and goodness gracious, they would not be where they are today if it weren't for you.

Know that you are needed. I need you. Holy fuck, do I need you. Don't you dare leave me. Not anytime soon.

Know that time will heal. I sound like a right hypocrite because I'm guilty of tricking myself into believing none of it will ever be okay again. But that's simply not true. You've got to believe that someday, you will be okay again. Things will be okay again. And if it's not okay, it's not the end.

I suspect my train of thought has dragged you all over the place by now. I'm sorry.

My mind is a messy place, but you already knew that.

I'm hungry. I should probably go do something about that.

Take care of yourselves, please. Treat yourself like you would a small child.

I love you.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

The Field

Hello fellow readers. I dunno why the idea for this story has been swimming around in my head for a while but I kinda needed to get it written down before it drove me crazy. I dunno if it will make much sense to anyone or if it will even be enjoyable to read but alas, here you go.

..........

I don't know why he made us do it.

Besides, it's not like he even had the right—he just got here. New subs never know what the fuck they're doing.

Detention's never been a joyride but it sure as hell was never this bad.

One Friday after school he just decided to do it, though. I don't know why we didn't just run away. 

All four of us piled into the back of his pickup while he drove us out of the lot, then out of the neighborhood, and then out of the town.

The other three didn't seem to give a shit about what was goin' on.

Jason stretched an arm out the side of the truck, spitting up gobs of saliva and watching them splash on the road as we zipped past.

Amy kept her head down, knees pulled up to her chest while she picked at her arms incessantly.

Becca toyed with the chain around her neck and sucked the crucifix into her mouth. She's an atheist.

Me?

I tugged the beanie over my eyes and decided I might as well take a nap while I'm at it.

'cept the road got bumpier and I could tell we weren't nowhere near Cortland anymore.

Just fields. For miles and miles.

He pulled up to the side of the road.

"All right, dirtbags, get outta the car," Mr. Lawlor said matter-of-factly, like it wasn't weird that he just pulled up in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere and asked four teenagers to hop outta his truck.

"Lawlor, what the hell we doin' here?" Jason spat at the ground and folded his arms across his chest.

Jason's a real manly guy. You know, real tall, beefy, linebacker... That sort.

His brother served in the army. Hadn't seen him for two years.

"I'll tell ya what we're doin' here," Mr. Lawlor began.

The girls hopped off the pickup and Becca leaned against a tire, the crucifix still in her mouth.

Amy stared at the ground.

"You four are gonna do as I say, ya hear?" he took up this weird authoritative voice, one none of us had heard before.

I watched Becca tense up out the corner of my eye.

"Elliot!"

I turned my head to face him.

"Tell me what you see," Mr. Lawlor said.

My eyes widened at the rope in his hands. My words caught in my throat.

"I-uh..." I blinked, "Rope, sir?"

"That's right, son, now show me your hands,"

I could sense the others around me and I wondered if they all expected me to bolt.

Listen, I'm no track star, never was, never will be. And it was gettin' dark out and I had no idea where I was and...

"Good man," Mr. Lawlor wrapped a tight cord around my wrists, binding them in front of me.

"You kid, c'mere," he was talking to Amy.

I could tell she was shakin' real bad but wasn't making any moves to run away.

Neither were Becca or Jason.

You see, whatever happened out here couldn't be worse than what was waitin' for us back home.

Mr. Lawlor took the end of my rope and looped it around her wrists, binding us together like cattle down a line.

Amy started picking at her hands.

"Mr. Figg, hands please,"

Jason didn't comply at first but he figured what the hell? He owed us that much.

"And lastly, pretty girl, I'm gonna need your hands,"

"What for? I don't do handjobs," Becca didn't bat an eyelash.

Amy stifled a laugh.

"I'm afraid that won't be happenin' today, Miss Hansen," and with that, Mr. Lawlor grabbed both her wrists and pulled the cord, far tighter this time.

"'Scuse the precaution, kids, I just can't have none of you runnin' away, you see..."

"Lawlor, tell us what the fuck we're doin' tied up in the middle of nowhere," Jason was getting impatient and you could tell by the way he grew about a foot while speaking.

"Jason, I don't care for your language right about now." his tone was unbearably condescending.

"Yeah? Well I don't care for your shit right about now! So if you could kindly tell us what the hell is goin' on, we would highly appreciate it," Jason was making Amy nervous.

I could feel her whole body shakin' right next to me.

"All right, since you asked so politely, I'll start with Miss Hansen over here," Mr. Lawlor put both hands on Becca's shoulders and ushered her away from us, out into the fields and far away.

"Get your fuckin' hands off me!" we heard her screech at him, but I don't think it did much difference.

It was so dark now, we couldn't hardly see each other's faces.

"Shit, guys, what's he gonna do to her? We need to get the hell outta here!" it was the first time I ever saw Jason panic.

Amy started tuggin' at the cord that bound us together.

"It's no use tryna run away, we're still connected to her," I said, nodding towards the yards and yards of rope between our connected knots.

Jason tried wriggling out of his cord but it didn't matter.

We weren't gettin' outta here, the rope was too tight.

Then we heard it.

A shriek more piercing than anythin' I'd ever heard before, like it was splitting the air around us.

Amy's eyes widened in fear and I tried to think of something, anything that could make her feel better.

But then it came again, louder and followed by broken words and hackin' sobs.

"DON'T—GODDAMMIT—KILL ME! JESUS CHRIST—KILL ME!—PLEASE!"

Becca sounded like she was choking on somethin' and for a second I thought it might be her crucifix.

The irony in that would just be...

"Holy shit, man, we gotta do somethin'!" Jason was looking at me pleadingly now.

Amy looked to be absorbed in her own world, 'cept the skin round her nails was bleedin'.

"What do you mean?! We interfere, we're both dead!"

"Elliot, get your head outta your ass and help me think of somethin'!" Jason looked as if he were about to cry.

I shut my eyes real tight and tried to channel Lin.

Lin was my big sis. She was great at everythin'. Smart, beautiful, talented. You know.

Only one night she and her boyfriend got drunk and he tried to drive her back to our place, but...

Well, you get the idea.

I opened my eyes and turned my head to follow Amy's gaze.

He was back.

Without Becca.

The fields were quieter now.

My eyes scanned his body for blood but I didn't see any.

Did he just...? Did he choke her to death...?

God, that must be a bad way to go.

"Jason? The fields are waitin' for you," Mr. Lawlor had some sort of sickly grin plastered on his face and I wanted nothin' more than to clob it off.

Jason's eyes met mine for a split second before I saw him visibly tense up and make his way over to our sub, a stiffness in his gait.

I gave him a small nod and held my breath 'til I couldn't see him anymore.

"Ohmygod,"

I turned my head and there's Amy, trickles of blood trailing down her fingertips and splattering in neat drops on the ground.

"Fuck, Amy! Stop that!" I tried to pick her hands apart but the way I was tied up, I just couldn't.

"Ohmygod" she kept whispering to herself and I could see the tears pooling in her eyes.

She picked more intensely at her hands and before I could scold her again, we heard Jason.

It wasn't as pained as Becca's scream, it was more of an... angry yell?

I shut my eyes again and tried not to think too hard about it.

"Fuck fuck fuck! I can't let him take me... I-I need to get outta here, I need to... I need," Amy's eyes were glazed over and her chest seemed to be moving up and down a bit too fast.

"Hey, Amy, you gotta relax, kid," I tried to coax her, "It'll be easier for you that way,"

"No no no no no! You don't—you don't understand, I... My Ma! Elliot, without me, where's Ma gonna get her shit, I—"

"Shit? Amy, what shit? What're you on about?" I couldn't understand her.

I'd known Amy since kindergarten but we'd never so much as had a five minute conversation together.

"Her drugs, for God's sake! My Ma's an addict, I thought everyone knew!" she looked at me with pure anger in her eyes and that's when we heard Jason's screams again.

"I HATE YOU!—I—I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING!—FUCKIN' H-HELL, I—FUCK YOU!"

What Jason said threw us both off for a bit.

I dunno, it just sounded a bit... personal? To be screamin' it at Mr. Lawlor, at least.

Gave him everything?

"I hope it's fast,"

I looked at Amy and saw her eyes shut tight. I figured I'd follow suit.

The last of Jason's screams blew away in the wind as Amy and I waited for our turn.

And then he was back.

"You're next, darlin'. You'll thank me later, Miss Evans, I promise," Mr. Lawlor winked at Amy and she struggled on for as long as I could see her.

The dark took over after that.

How in the hell did I end up here?

Fuck it, I shoulda listened to Lin when I had the chance.

"Stop smart-mouthin' the teachers, you hear?"

"I know, Lin, I know, they just—they're so dumb sometimes!"

"Suck it up, kiddo, that's life. Now quit the sass and stay outta detention!"

She was always tellin' me to do the right thing, you know?

After the crash, I—our dad, well... Lin was my dad's favorite. Everybody knew that.

After she... Well, my dad started goin' out a lot and comin' back home at three, four in the morning, and...

He didn't like me very much. I tried to stay outta his way but... Anyway.

"I TRIED, GODDAMMIT!—I TRIED, AND YOU—JUST LISTEN TO ME!"

Amy sounded like her throat was being torn to shreds.

I felt sorry that I never paid her attention much. She was real beautiful when you really looked at her.

"WHY CAN'T YOU JUST?–GOD, WHY CAN'T YOU LOVE ME?!"

What?

Did she and Mr. Lawlor have a...?

No, but she couldn't have. Mr. Lawlor only started subbing a month ago, that's too soon, that—

Then she screamed again. This shrill, hot fire of a sound, like the ground was vibratin' underneath you or somethin' was clawing at your chest.

I wanted her to stop. I wanted it all to stop.

Why didn't he just kill us on the spot? Isn't that what he wanted?

I thought back to Becca and Jason.

Becca and I used to be good friends, you know... Back in middle school.

Her father was a preacher and she'd been to church every Sunday since she was a baby.

'cept somewhere along the line, I dunno, we just kinda... stopped being friends, I guess?

Then the rumors started about her father pimpin' her out to his friends and, well...

No wonder she stopped believin' in God.

Jason and I, though... We never really saw each other 'cept for detention.

His brother used to go to our school. Jamie, he... Jamie never went to college, you know.

Jamie went straight into the army. He was real popular in school.

Jason, though... I guess he was always just in Jamie's shadow. Somethin' like that, I suppose.

I heard his Ma's real tough on him. I heard she threw him outta the house once.

"Elliot Moss, looks like you're my last one."

I shook off the last of my wanderin' thoughts and looked up.

I took a deep breath before following him.

Mr. Lawlor placed a hand on my shoulder that made my skin crawl.

"Look, sir, whatever you're plannin' to do, just... Just make it quick, alright?" I held my breath and waited for something.

I sensed that we were far, far out in the field somewhere. I couldn't make out the pickup anymore.

"Nonsense, Mr. Moss, I'd just like to ask you a few questions," he looked at me as if he were harmless.

What kind of sick bastard was he?

I nodded, wanting to get it over with.

"Your mother, she's passed on, hasn't she?"

I tensed up. It wasn't a question.

"How did you—?"

"I'm a teacher, Elliot. We've got access to all your records," he said it as if it were obvious.

I fought the urge to puke.

"Now, I take it your mother was a nice woman, Elliot. What can you tell me about your father?"

I wanted to punch this guy in the throat.

"You have no right to—!"

"Your father, Elliot, what has your father done to you?" he raised his voice at me and it took everything in me not to shrink away.

"My father hasn't done anything to me," I lied between gritted teeth.

"Then tell me why you're shaking right now, tell me!" Mr. Lawlor grew three times his size and I swear I couldn't see the end of him.

"I'm not—I—Fuck you!" I clenched my fists through the ropes and swallowed the lump in my throat.

"You had a sister, didn't you? Real bright, wasn't she?" he circled around me and I felt my chest tighten.

"Don't you talk about Lin—" I started but he cut me off.

"Lin, was it? She could've been anythin' she wanted. Your father wanted her to go to medical school, didn't he?"

I wanted nothing more than to impale this bastard with scathing knives.

"What? How did—?"

"The files, Elliot! The files! Now, focus!" his voice rang in my ears like a chainsaw.

"When she died, he wanted you to be just like her, didn't he?"

"I—"

"Didn't he?!"

"YES! FOR FUCK'S SAKE—YES!" I gasped and swallowed a sob.

"When she died, do you think he resented you?" I hated the way Mr. Lawlor had burrowed inside my brain.

I couldn't even tell where his voice was comin' from anymore.

"I—no, he—"

"His only daughter's dead and he's stuck with you! Now, Elliot, tell me, did you pay for it?!" he grabbed me by the collar.

"LET GO OF ME, YOU BASTARD! LET GO!" I screamed, knowing no one would hear me.

Mr. Lawlor swung his arm back, ready to punch and I lost all sense of who I was.

"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! IT'S—IT'S NOT MY FAULT!—I'M SORRY, DAD, I'M SORRY!"

"Fuckin' scream, Elliot, I want you to scream for it," Mr. Lawlor placed a hand on my shoulder.

I let out the wildest yell I think I'd ever made in my life and crumbled to the ground in a heap.

I couldn't see anymore.

"That's good, kid, that's good..."

The rest is a blur.

..........

So. Yeah. I wasn't quite sure how to end it since I wanted you guys to kinda come up with your own conclusions...

Sorry if that was a load of bullshit I just made you read. Anyway. Let me know your thoughts and such. It'd be much appreciated.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya