Hopeless & Sixteen

Hello faithful humans. I don't know if you know this, but this is my 100th post here on Titles are for Turtles. That's quite an accomplishment, if I do say so myself :) For those of you who've stuck with me through all of this, I give you my thanks. You're absolutely wonderful.

That being said, today a struck of existential crisis hit me in the face like a concrete brick. It was not fun, to say the least. Shout out to CJS for tolerating me through my entire "episode". It was mildly pitiful.

Conor tells me it must've come from all the stress I've been under lately, what with our Fall Play coming up literally this Friday, and hell week (otherwise known as tech week) looming upon us, and exams rolling up next Wednesday, and Enharmonix rehearsals and All State auditions and Thanksgiving travel plans and affection deprivation and forgetting to eat meals and trying to stay sane while all of Benet's PMSes and remembering to do my homework and to not fail at life.

I mean it makes sense if you think about it.

Nonetheless, I've been in the weirdest mood (possibly cuz of my 12 hour tech weekend but it's fine I'm fine we're fine) and that caused me to go from giddy and spontaneous to detached, insufferable and alienated. I honestly don't know how Conor puts up with me, or any of you, for that matter.

First, when we were walking right behind the Science Building, I just sat down—smack on the pavement. Through fits of laughter, Conor and Scott both tried to get me out of the path so other people could walk by but I was being a stubborn piece of shit and didn't feel like getting up. Besides, what was the point?

Mind you, it was practically 40 degrees out and those boys probably wanted nothing to do with the out of doors at the moment. I was just making their life difficult, I guess.

But in all honesty, I was just tired.

After Conor hauled me back up, Scott decided to head out so he wouldn't third wheel but then we bumped into Megan M (otherwise known as "Wife" or "Better Spouse") and I love her to bits but I just wanted to get away from everyone for a while—excluding CJS cuz I hadn't spent five minutes alone with him in what felt like forever and ever and ever.

But of course the only precious time I had with him was ruined by my irrepressible insanity.

He asked me where we were going and I just shrugged. I really didn't know where we were going. I just let my feet lead the way.

I walked past Benet's and past Tuck and found my way over to the lawn across Manor House Road, near the gazebo. I commented on how strange it was that it's already November but the leaves are just now starting to fall. Conor told me this was actually pretty normal.

I sighed.

He kept asking where we were going and I jokingly (sort of) told him I intended to jump in the bay. Besides, it'd be a beautiful day to die.

He followed me regardless because he's a kind hearted soul and followed me even as I stumbled into the chain near the train tracks and even as we made our way down to the rocks, even though it was high tide.

I looked out into the vast body of water and crinkled my nose at the repulsive smell that reminded me of Fish Fridays. Ah, salt water.

I walked past the boathouse, not knowing where my feet would lead me until I came across a flattish rock and sat down. Conor gave me a befuddled look but sat down next to me anyway because apparently he loves me or something.

I didn't even look at him because I didn't know what to do. I didn't even know why I was down there.

They say when you're sad, you should go out to the ocean to make you feel better.

Only I didn't feel any better. I thought I would no longer be sad but I was still pretty darn sad.

I didn't tell him that though because I suck sometimes.

I just sat and stared out at the water and gosh, we live on the prettiest campus you've ever seen, we really do. I watched as the waves crashed into the jumble of sea shells and rocks before running away—again, and again, and again.

I felt Conor kiss my shoulder and I turned my head to smile at him so he didn't think I was ignoring him. He asked me what we were doing there and once again, I shrugged.

I didn't really know, anyway.

I looked back out at the water and sniffled because my nose was cold. It was really cold, actually. I felt bad for dragging him out there. What an idiot.

We stumbled back up the steps of the boathouse up to the train tracks before I stopped. Conor looked at me with those worried brown eyes of his and asked me for the millionth time if I was okay. I nodded but when he held out his pinky, I couldn't bring myself to link it.

I didn't really know what I was feeling but I was definitely not okay.

He sighed and put his backpack down to pull me into a hug. I hadn't felt one of those in a while. I wrapped my arms around his waist and felt his head rest on top of my fluffy winter hat. I just got it a few weeks ago and it makes me really happy except everyone kept groping the pom pom and I didn't appreciate that.

I guess he was probably waiting for me to let go because we stood there, hugging, for quite a while. My cheek pressed against his coat zipper and it was starting to hurt so I let my arms fall to my sides. But I still couldn't look at him.

"Maya, could you please just tell me what's wrong?"

I groaned.

"I'm literally a walking stereotype right now."

He went on to tell me about how stereotypes had to be derived from something, right?

For the third time in the span of an hour, I found myself sitting in the middle of an unlikely setting—this time in the middle of our school train tracks.

I sighed and laughed at myself and sighed again and groaned some more before I got any words out.

I'm literally a ball of teenaged angst. I am so sorry.

"I just... what's the point? Of any of it?"

I don't even think I had to explain myself, Conor just let out a laugh before I glared at him for making fun of me.

In his defense, he had been extremely nice to me thus far.

I shlumped onto my back, spread-eagle in the middle of the fucking train tracks, letting autumn leaves cling to my knitted hat and my winter coat.

I sighed and sighed, hoping that each exhale would bring some sort of relief to the fact that we're all gonna die one day, but it didn't. It just made me more anxious that each breath could be my last.

I looked out at the gorgeous trees around us and cursed them for living such a simple life. All they have to do is exist. Nature takes care of the rest.

Us? We're popped out into the world and no one tells us what the fuck we're supposed to do, we're left to scramble and figure it out for ourselves and we have expectations to live up to and such.

A tree doesn't have to be anything more than a tree.

Conor said something along the lines of: "I know nothing I say right now is gonna make you feel any better, so I'm sorry, but just know most of this you have zero control over so there's no use in worrying about it anyway."

And I mean, he's right. But like I said, I'm a stubborn drama queen with a flare for exaggeration apparently, so I couldn't let it go.

I moped and huffed and quietly screamed about all the uncertainties in the world.

Then Conor told me it was time for lunch. So we walked back up the steps past the train tracks.

Except I forget what he said that made me laugh and cry except cry more than laugh, so I fell to my knees in the middle of a grassy hill and faceplanted the ground, no lie.

He laughed after he made sure I wasn't actually hurt or anything, so I laughed too, but I quickly started to cry and cry and cry and just wanted to cease existing because that would be so much easier than pondering the universe.

What if there isn't a God? Everyone I know and love today will one day die. What am I going to do with my life? What if I'm not smart enough for college? How am I going to financially support my family in the future? Why has the world gone to shit?

All these issues felt very real and very urgent. I don't know why, they just did.

And so, I let my tears roll into the dirt and spoil the grass. My hair had fallen into my mouth but I hadn't made any moves to remove it. Everything was just too much.

Once again, CJS was courteous enough to haul me back up and lead me to the dining hall while trying to cheer me up. He made a valiant attempt.

Besides, on Mondays they have ice cream.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya