(Just so y'all know, I meant to post this two entire days ago but I'm a lil shit so I didn't)
HIYA MY LOVES <3
On such a lovely bubbly day, I'd like to give my infinite thanks to all the individuals I'm blessed to have in my life. Hold onto your socks cuz this might take a while...
Mami: I know we don't always understand each other but I cannot thank you enough for trying. I love you so so so much and that will never ever change.
Papi: I can't wait to binge watch Gilmore Girls with you over Christmas break :) Thank you for always reminding me to be kind to myself. Please take your own advice once in a while, yeah? I love you to infinity and beyond. I'm sending you hugs.
YD: You're an asshole. But you travel with me and you occasionally try and make sure that I'm okay. Thanks for coming to most of my shows and stuff. It's somewhat appreciated :P I love you and stuff, I guess. *proceeds to push you into a river*
Javi: Please don't get any taller. I'll miss using you as an arm rest cuz currently you're the only person shorter than me, so... I'm sorry I haven't spoken to you in almost two months but please know I love you so so so much and your big sister will always be here to kick the crap out of anyone who dares get in your way.
Suki: You little chicken nugget, you. I miss you more than your tiny brain could ever comprehend.
Future Puppy: Baby, I cannot wait to pick you out and hold you and cuddle you and love you and care for you and goodness gracious, I want you now. Conor says I should name you Genji or Luna. We'll see how that goes ;)
Wilsons/Estrellas/Fishers: You guys give me so much life. You're a wacky group of misfits and I am so honored to be related to you all.
Kerrs: You guys are the real MVPs. Thank you for all that you do for me.
Doires: I can't wait to be back in my room again :3 After all, I am the better daughter (jk jk Claire, please don't kill me, you know I love you).
Brennans: I don't see you enough. I sincerely hope you stay in our lives for a very long time.
Pri: Mujer, ojala pudiera llevarte a UNI conmigo. De verdad que quisiera. Pero ni modo, solo Dios sabe donde quedaremos y espero que nunca te vayas tan lejos. Te necesito <3
CJS: You crazy human, you. You make all my days infinitely more bearable and you make me laugh harder than anyone I know. You've seen me at my worst and at my best. You've kissed me while I was snot-ridden and while I had about five pounds of stage makeup on. You've hugged me in the snow and in the rain. You've held my hand regardless of the season and I am beyond grateful for all the joy and light you bring to my life. I miss our random road trips and walks through the woods and movie marathons and impromptu dinner dates. It's been a fantastic almost two years. I love you, I really do.
Fonts: I know you're not one for sappy words and all that but I think you know how much you mean to me. You're an absolute nuisance but I love you just the same. Please come home soon <3
Claire: Oh, Claire bear, it's been rough with you gone. I know I've been managing and things are mostly okay but if I could have it my way, I'd still have you here with me, jamming to Hamilton in the car and taking long trips to Stop 'n' Shop. If I could, I'd freeze Claire and Maya Week 2k15 and loop it til the end of time. I'd have us sitting on your couch, watching the Tony Awards and singing Frozen songs at the top of our lungs. I'd have us making pancakes and eating popcorn and scrolling through Tumblr while looking at pretty people. If I could, we'd be snuggled up watching Disney movies with hot cocoa or otherwise booking it to the beach with a speaker and five tons of Capri Sun. I miss you so much but I know you're having a blast at college. Please don't you ever forget about me. I'd be lost without you.
Mike: Gosh, where has the time gone? I feel like just yesterday you were helping me out with my problems but oh, how the tables have turned XD I love you, dude. You do some dumb shit. But I still love you. And I'll support you no matter what. I am always here. Even when I'm holding a grudge. I am always here.
Caellum: It wouldn't kill ya to answer a text once in a blue moon, asshole :P Nah, but in all seriousness I understand how life gets. It's messy and uncoordinated and annoying and exhausting and you have your priorities and I completely understand. That being said, I believe in you. I know things gets shitty sometimes, but goddamn do I believe in you. Please don't you ever forget that.
Shelby: Just because we don't always have the time to talk as much as we used to doesn't mean I'm not always thinking of you. I am so blessed to have you in my life because you are such a lovely, wonderful, caring soul and I would not have it any other way. You give me incentive to get up every morning and I still find it so hard to believe that I've only seen you in person a handful of times, yet I feel like I've known you my entire life. I don't mean to sound redundant but it's true. I cannot picture my life without you and I seriously hope I continue to be a part of your life for a very, very long time. Here's to the next time I get to koala you.
Tiernan: Come back to the East Coast, bitch <3
Sophia: If you decided to start a cult, I'd join it. Like, no lie, you are a Goddess in my eyes. I look up to you so much (no pressure) and every time I second guess myself, I imagine you cheering me on. You just ooze encouragement and good vibes and I think we all need more of that in our lives. Please don't forget about me when we get older. You mean too much to me. You inspire me now and forever.
Maeve: I know we don't talk as much anymore, but trust me, I don't think of you any less. I'm constantly stalking your Insta and Snapchat for pics of Luna and Scout because, well... that's self-explanatory. I miss you so much and I cannot wait to hang out and snuggle you because you may give some of the best snuggles on this planet. I love you!!!
Emma: My gorgeous little sister, I am SO glad I got to be there to witness your first year of high school. Having you in my drama class is beyond fun and no offense to everyone else but you're my favorite <3 It's been such a privilege to watch you grow up and I hope I get to stick around in your life long enough to witness the rest. Keep doing you, boo.
Scotty P: Oh, Scott, I could not live without your hugs. Thanks for providing an endless supply and for being a diva and for introducing me to Boris and Simon and for being my new Claire and for driving us to Dunkin' and Chipotle even though you hate us :) Much love, bro.
Megan: WIFE!!! I live for our communal naps and for your glorious hugs. Thank you for going shopping with me and making sure I'm never lonely. You know I have your back and I know you have mine. If I'm ever sad, I just think of you and you make me smile. You best believe I'm gonna Facetime you whenever I can while I'm at college. Get ready cuz it's gonna be lit.
Amanda: You're weird as fuck but thank you for giving me cuddles and for loving me unconditionally and for introducing me to Riley. Kudos for that ;) Oh! And for all the Fifth Harmony spam. And for sending me pics of boobs when I'm sad. BISEXUALS REPRESENT.
Riley: MY BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY thank you for existing. Every time I see you, you make my day instantly better. Thank you for being my big little sister (and practically my mom sometimes). You make my heart smile. BISEXUALS REPRESENT.
Emmalene: It's been four years and I still consider you my magical fairy godmother. It started with just makeup but it's grown into more than that—having you in classes and activities with me over the years has made me addicted to your contagious laugh and always seeking out your hugs and smiles. You are one extraordinary cookie and I am so proud to have you as my friend. Keep dazzling the world with your brilliance ;)
Hannah Banana: BAE!!! As always, I miss my favorite roomie more than ever because my single gets lonely sometimes but I know you always have my back. Your sass gives me life. Thank you for enduring all the Precal with me. I don't know what I'd do without you.
Lucia: Honestly, I have a HUGE friend crush on you, is that bad?
Amber: Tbh, you're like really mean to me sometimes but I don't mind because I know your evil soul can't help it :) I seriously wish we were in the same dorm just so I could see your beautiful face everyday but alas, we can't always get what we want. I better be in your senior page :3
Alasdaire: Okay, real talk, you may be one of the most beautiful human beings I have ever laid eyes on. And that's coming from my super gay side. That being said, you are so sweet to me, sometimes I feel like I don't even deserve your kindness. I could not survive Euro without you, so thank you.
Grace B: I said it freshman year and I stand by it now, you have to be one of the most entertaining people I have ever met. Your constant IDGAF syndrome makes life feel more okay. I could listen to your nerdy biology talks for hours and anyone who dares underestimate your intelligence is a dildo. Please don't ever change.
MegMeg: Thank you for being so kind and for enduring all of Bray Bray's crazy with me. No one will understand the pain like you and me do. Besides, we're kinda the same person, aren't we? XD
Mark: It was an honor acting beside you this fall. You made a lovely husband <3
Young Thuggin': Addison, the day something normal comes out of your mouth will be the day the world turns upside down. Please continue enjoying your communist pizza til the end of time.
Sozanski: You little adorable piece of nerd UGH. As annoying as your know-it-all tendencies may be sometimes, I think we all appreciate the fact that you're literally a walking Encyclopedia. You've grown a lot in the past year but please know I consider you my lil baby child, okay?
Annie: You are kind of bizarre but I couldn't have asked for a better daughter (sorry Amanda). Continue doing your little adorable fairy thing. It suits you.
Marcel: As hard as you try, I'm never gonna date you but I appreciate your determination. Also, watching you try to make Conor jealous is kinda hilarious...
Mr. McCarthy: You seriously do not give a shit, do you? I don't think I could ever ask for a better advisor. Thank you for being a real homie.
Mrs. Bonin: Please don't hate me for not doing my last assignment :) I still love you.
Dr. Bonin: I AM BEGGING YOU PLEASE MAKE SURE I GET INTO COLLEGE PLEASEEE
Ms. Smith: As always, thanks for letting me date your son :) That being said, it's so much fun when we gang up on him (even tho he hates it) and thank you SO much for your infinite generosity. Btw, you're an excellent cook!
Eddie Redmayne: You are SUCH A DUCKING CINNAMON ROLL I COULD EAT YOU UP.
J.K. Rowling: Someday, I hope to be just like you.
Zoe Sugg and Tyler Oakley: As always, thank you for bringing levity to dire situations.
Cinnamon: You precious little kitty cat, I adore you.
Bernie Sanders: It should've been you <3
Mis angeles: No me abandonen, por favor.
Dios mio: Dame fuerza. Dame esperanza. Te necesito, Señor. Dame fe.
Hasta la próxima,
Much love xoxo
Maya
Saturday, November 26, 2016
Turkey Day List #1
(I am actually the worst. I meant to post this two days ago, my bad.)
I could not be here today if it were not for:
I could not be here today if it were not for:
Music: You get me through everything. You let me breathe.
Theatre: The way you tell stories is what keeps this world alive.
Poetry: Thank you for speaking the language of love better than I ever could.
Many thanks to:
Fairy lights: You somehow make everything more magical.
Prozac: For keeping all my screws in place.
Tissues: You've been awfully handy this year.
Books: For letting me escape.
The expression "Yikes on Bikes": You're my new favorite thing.
Books: For letting me escape.
The expression "Yikes on Bikes": You're my new favorite thing.
The Interwebs: You're terrifyingly powerful. I hope people choose you for good over evil.
Water: You're pretty swell. I hope you never disappear. You make everything clean again.
Soft blankets: Somehow, you make the world feel okay.
Pad Thai: I will never understand why you're so good.
Stranger Things: For getting me absolutely addicted to you and all of your talented little people humans.
Anne Frank's Diary: For documenting very real experiences that still apply today and letting us share those stories.
Candles: Well, for one, you smell good. Like, incredibly so. Two, you just make things cooler. 'Nuff said.
Fluffy socks: For keeping my feet warm :)
Showers: I pretend like I don't sing when I take showers... but I totally do.
The Wing: All the countless hours I've sung and laughed and cried down there... I can never repay you.
Snow: EVERYTHING IS SO MUCH COOLER WHEN YOU'RE AROUND. no pun intended
College: You're the only thing providing light at the end of the tunnel. Please just let me feel good enough.
Fantastic Beasts: I haven't been as excited about something in years. Thank you.
Sunsets: For proving that some things can still be inexplicably beautiful.
Tumblr: When the Abbey blocked you, I cried.
Haircuts: It's so easy to reinvent yourself. Thank you for feeling so liberating.
Snapchat: For capturing some of my fondest and most disturbing moments.
AP English: Hands down, one of the coolest classes I've ever taken.
My single: You know what's up.
Netflix: I need to spend less time on you. Whoops.
Strawberries: You're the fuckin' best and nobody can tell me otherwise.
The Pile: Tbh, half my wardrobe comes from you, so... #perksofbeingbroke
Conor's sweatshirt: I'm not entirely sure when I'm gonna give you back.
CJS's Yogibo: You've seen some shit. Thanks for still being super comfy :)
Graduation: You're all that's keeping me going.
Fireplaces: For keeping us cozy and without hypothermia.
Broadway: I will get there someday.
The multiverse: We may never understand you but thanks for, you know, not obliterating us to pieces.
Hasta la próxima,
Much love xoxo
Maya
Water: You're pretty swell. I hope you never disappear. You make everything clean again.
Soft blankets: Somehow, you make the world feel okay.
Pad Thai: I will never understand why you're so good.
Stranger Things: For getting me absolutely addicted to you and all of your talented little people humans.
Anne Frank's Diary: For documenting very real experiences that still apply today and letting us share those stories.
Candles: Well, for one, you smell good. Like, incredibly so. Two, you just make things cooler. 'Nuff said.
Fluffy socks: For keeping my feet warm :)
Showers: I pretend like I don't sing when I take showers... but I totally do.
The Wing: All the countless hours I've sung and laughed and cried down there... I can never repay you.
Snow: EVERYTHING IS SO MUCH COOLER WHEN YOU'RE AROUND. no pun intended
College: You're the only thing providing light at the end of the tunnel. Please just let me feel good enough.
Fantastic Beasts: I haven't been as excited about something in years. Thank you.
Sunsets: For proving that some things can still be inexplicably beautiful.
Tumblr: When the Abbey blocked you, I cried.
Haircuts: It's so easy to reinvent yourself. Thank you for feeling so liberating.
Snapchat: For capturing some of my fondest and most disturbing moments.
AP English: Hands down, one of the coolest classes I've ever taken.
My single: You know what's up.
Netflix: I need to spend less time on you. Whoops.
Strawberries: You're the fuckin' best and nobody can tell me otherwise.
The Pile: Tbh, half my wardrobe comes from you, so... #perksofbeingbroke
Conor's sweatshirt: I'm not entirely sure when I'm gonna give you back.
CJS's Yogibo: You've seen some shit. Thanks for still being super comfy :)
Graduation: You're all that's keeping me going.
Fireplaces: For keeping us cozy and without hypothermia.
Broadway: I will get there someday.
The multiverse: We may never understand you but thanks for, you know, not obliterating us to pieces.
Hasta la próxima,
Much love xoxo
Maya
Monday, November 14, 2016
Frankly, I Could Not Be More Proud
Dearest friends:
Some of you may or may not know that yesterday concluded the Abbey Players' fourth and final performance of The Diary of Anne Frank. I wish I could express all my thoughts and feelings into words but I'm afraid no matter what I write, it just will not do us justice.
Our first performance was in front of a very polite group of middle-schoolers and while it felt more like a practice run, it felt good to have the show on its feet. I watched as my newbie thespian friends shook with nerves and held their hands before they climbed onstage. It made me proud, to say the least.
Our second and perhaps most rambunctious crowd came Friday night, when we performed for the entirety of our school, all 400+ students and faculty, alike. It was also filmed that night—which is always a good thing and a bad thing. The crowd is definitely livelier, but that also means some of our lines get cut off or we don't get the proper response on a scene and it just sorta sucks sometimes. However, overall, I can proudly state there was not a dry eye in the house by the end of it.
It amazed me how little faith some people had in our show, whereas I'd been behind it from day one. I was the one who pushed for a drama, and miraculously, Bragan listened. It wasn't until that night that some of my own castmates started to believe in us, too.
We got wonderful reviews, to say the least. Our newcomers received a wave of compliments and our veterans got the usual nod of respect. I dunno. My favorite part has always been the bows. I like clapping and cheering for my friends. I'm always proud of them and all the hard work they do.
Caellum came to surprise me on Friday, too, and I will admit, seeing him felt like a gulp of fresh air. Things felt normal again.
Saturday night rolled around and Conor was out at a soccer game, Caellum was off seeing Claire Bear's show (which was incredible, btw), and my parents were busy elsewhere. I know they would have made it if they could have, but circumstances didn't allow for it, which is okay.
Saturday night felt miles more depressing, though. Maybe the lack of adolescent energy in the audience caused for a more somber tone, but either way, I found myself shedding real tears onstage that night. Not only that, but it seemed like every single other person in the cast had some sort of family member there to support them. I might just be needy, but I felt completely and utterly alone.
The weight of the show and the importance of sharing the story hit me full force. I cried myself to sleep that night.
Sunday, I just felt off. It was the final performance and Papi and YD were coming to see me and I could not wait to see them. But I dunno, something felt wrong. The play kept feeling like a weight at the back of my throat and the second I opened my mouth, I knew only screeching sobs would come out. Conor had to deal with me firsthand that morning before he left for Comic Con. He left me with his Guatemalan Worry Doll, though, so it's okay.
Maybe it was all the depressing music I was listening to or the fact that I had exams coming up or that I hadn't spent real time with my old friends in forever and I just felt so overwhelmingly sad. So much so that I curled into the center of my floor, hugging myself and crying til my throat felt raw. I ended up calling Papi before I had to roll up to my final performance.
Little did I know, Claire Bear would be there to surprise me. It felt good to see my big sister again.
I gave it my all. I focused on my part and pretended like it was the very first time and I focused on telling the story, this absolutely remarkable story of sorrow and despair, but also light and hope. Anne Frank was truly wise beyond her years.
I would have loved to meet her.
This play has taken me on such a rollercoaster ride of emotions, starting even at audition day. We just took apart the set today and I didn't cry during our heartfelt goodbye speeches but now I'm listening to the soundtrack we used throughout each of our scenes and I'm currently sitting in a puddle of my own tears and I never thought a play could mean so much to me and I didn't think a cast would ever get this close and I just
I love them all, I truly do.
I want to hug the world. It's just so sad.
I'm so proud of my cast. They poured their hearts out. I miss them already.
I can't make coherent sentences anymore I apologize.
I don't think I'll be editing this post, so I'm sorry for all the errors. I just needed to get it out there.
The world is so sad and I wish I could make everything better. I want to be good. I just want to be good. I want to love and be loved. I want so badly to just
Ah fuck. Where did all these tears come from
I need the world to learn to love again when did that go away? why did it ever go away? why can't we bring it back?
There's so much blood and hatred and destruction
I just want it all to go away
I just want it all to go
I want it to go
All of it
I want to help. I need to help. Help me help.
I wish I could teach people to love because it's so wonderful it really truly is.
Because there's music and there's art and there's stories and I think people forget.
Hope. Create. Discover. Heal.
Never forget.
Hasta la próxima,
Much love xoxo
Maya
P.S: This post started off as one thing and ended up another. I apologize.
Some of you may or may not know that yesterday concluded the Abbey Players' fourth and final performance of The Diary of Anne Frank. I wish I could express all my thoughts and feelings into words but I'm afraid no matter what I write, it just will not do us justice.
Our first performance was in front of a very polite group of middle-schoolers and while it felt more like a practice run, it felt good to have the show on its feet. I watched as my newbie thespian friends shook with nerves and held their hands before they climbed onstage. It made me proud, to say the least.
Our second and perhaps most rambunctious crowd came Friday night, when we performed for the entirety of our school, all 400+ students and faculty, alike. It was also filmed that night—which is always a good thing and a bad thing. The crowd is definitely livelier, but that also means some of our lines get cut off or we don't get the proper response on a scene and it just sorta sucks sometimes. However, overall, I can proudly state there was not a dry eye in the house by the end of it.
It amazed me how little faith some people had in our show, whereas I'd been behind it from day one. I was the one who pushed for a drama, and miraculously, Bragan listened. It wasn't until that night that some of my own castmates started to believe in us, too.
We got wonderful reviews, to say the least. Our newcomers received a wave of compliments and our veterans got the usual nod of respect. I dunno. My favorite part has always been the bows. I like clapping and cheering for my friends. I'm always proud of them and all the hard work they do.
Caellum came to surprise me on Friday, too, and I will admit, seeing him felt like a gulp of fresh air. Things felt normal again.
Saturday night rolled around and Conor was out at a soccer game, Caellum was off seeing Claire Bear's show (which was incredible, btw), and my parents were busy elsewhere. I know they would have made it if they could have, but circumstances didn't allow for it, which is okay.
Saturday night felt miles more depressing, though. Maybe the lack of adolescent energy in the audience caused for a more somber tone, but either way, I found myself shedding real tears onstage that night. Not only that, but it seemed like every single other person in the cast had some sort of family member there to support them. I might just be needy, but I felt completely and utterly alone.
The weight of the show and the importance of sharing the story hit me full force. I cried myself to sleep that night.
Sunday, I just felt off. It was the final performance and Papi and YD were coming to see me and I could not wait to see them. But I dunno, something felt wrong. The play kept feeling like a weight at the back of my throat and the second I opened my mouth, I knew only screeching sobs would come out. Conor had to deal with me firsthand that morning before he left for Comic Con. He left me with his Guatemalan Worry Doll, though, so it's okay.
Maybe it was all the depressing music I was listening to or the fact that I had exams coming up or that I hadn't spent real time with my old friends in forever and I just felt so overwhelmingly sad. So much so that I curled into the center of my floor, hugging myself and crying til my throat felt raw. I ended up calling Papi before I had to roll up to my final performance.
Little did I know, Claire Bear would be there to surprise me. It felt good to see my big sister again.
I gave it my all. I focused on my part and pretended like it was the very first time and I focused on telling the story, this absolutely remarkable story of sorrow and despair, but also light and hope. Anne Frank was truly wise beyond her years.
I would have loved to meet her.
This play has taken me on such a rollercoaster ride of emotions, starting even at audition day. We just took apart the set today and I didn't cry during our heartfelt goodbye speeches but now I'm listening to the soundtrack we used throughout each of our scenes and I'm currently sitting in a puddle of my own tears and I never thought a play could mean so much to me and I didn't think a cast would ever get this close and I just
I love them all, I truly do.
I want to hug the world. It's just so sad.
I'm so proud of my cast. They poured their hearts out. I miss them already.
I can't make coherent sentences anymore I apologize.
I don't think I'll be editing this post, so I'm sorry for all the errors. I just needed to get it out there.
The world is so sad and I wish I could make everything better. I want to be good. I just want to be good. I want to love and be loved. I want so badly to just
Ah fuck. Where did all these tears come from
I need the world to learn to love again when did that go away? why did it ever go away? why can't we bring it back?
There's so much blood and hatred and destruction
I just want it all to go away
I just want it all to go
I want it to go
All of it
I want to help. I need to help. Help me help.
I wish I could teach people to love because it's so wonderful it really truly is.
Because there's music and there's art and there's stories and I think people forget.
Hope. Create. Discover. Heal.
Never forget.
Hasta la próxima,
Much love xoxo
Maya
P.S: This post started off as one thing and ended up another. I apologize.
Monday, November 7, 2016
Hopeless & Sixteen
Hello faithful humans. I don't know if you know this, but this is my 100th post here on Titles are for Turtles. That's quite an accomplishment, if I do say so myself :) For those of you who've stuck with me through all of this, I give you my thanks. You're absolutely wonderful.
That being said, today a struck of existential crisis hit me in the face like a concrete brick. It was not fun, to say the least. Shout out to CJS for tolerating me through my entire "episode". It was mildly pitiful.
Conor tells me it must've come from all the stress I've been under lately, what with our Fall Play coming up literally this Friday, and hell week (otherwise known as tech week) looming upon us, and exams rolling up next Wednesday, and Enharmonix rehearsals and All State auditions and Thanksgiving travel plans and affection deprivation and forgetting to eat meals and trying to stay sane while all of Benet's PMSes and remembering to do my homework and to not fail at life.
I mean it makes sense if you think about it.
Nonetheless, I've been in the weirdest mood (possibly cuz of my 12 hour tech weekend but it's fine I'm fine we're fine) and that caused me to go from giddy and spontaneous to detached, insufferable and alienated. I honestly don't know how Conor puts up with me, or any of you, for that matter.
First, when we were walking right behind the Science Building, I just sat down—smack on the pavement. Through fits of laughter, Conor and Scott both tried to get me out of the path so other people could walk by but I was being a stubborn piece of shit and didn't feel like getting up. Besides, what was the point?
Mind you, it was practically 40 degrees out and those boys probably wanted nothing to do with the out of doors at the moment. I was just making their life difficult, I guess.
But in all honesty, I was just tired.
After Conor hauled me back up, Scott decided to head out so he wouldn't third wheel but then we bumped into Megan M (otherwise known as "Wife" or "Better Spouse") and I love her to bits but I just wanted to get away from everyone for a while—excluding CJS cuz I hadn't spent five minutes alone with him in what felt like forever and ever and ever.
But of course the only precious time I had with him was ruined by my irrepressible insanity.
He asked me where we were going and I just shrugged. I really didn't know where we were going. I just let my feet lead the way.
I walked past Benet's and past Tuck and found my way over to the lawn across Manor House Road, near the gazebo. I commented on how strange it was that it's already November but the leaves are just now starting to fall. Conor told me this was actually pretty normal.
I sighed.
He kept asking where we were going and I jokingly (sort of) told him I intended to jump in the bay. Besides, it'd be a beautiful day to die.
He followed me regardless because he's a kind hearted soul and followed me even as I stumbled into the chain near the train tracks and even as we made our way down to the rocks, even though it was high tide.
I looked out into the vast body of water and crinkled my nose at the repulsive smell that reminded me of Fish Fridays. Ah, salt water.
I walked past the boathouse, not knowing where my feet would lead me until I came across a flattish rock and sat down. Conor gave me a befuddled look but sat down next to me anyway because apparently he loves me or something.
I didn't even look at him because I didn't know what to do. I didn't even know why I was down there.
They say when you're sad, you should go out to the ocean to make you feel better.
Only I didn't feel any better. I thought I would no longer be sad but I was still pretty darn sad.
I didn't tell him that though because I suck sometimes.
I just sat and stared out at the water and gosh, we live on the prettiest campus you've ever seen, we really do. I watched as the waves crashed into the jumble of sea shells and rocks before running away—again, and again, and again.
I felt Conor kiss my shoulder and I turned my head to smile at him so he didn't think I was ignoring him. He asked me what we were doing there and once again, I shrugged.
I didn't really know, anyway.
I looked back out at the water and sniffled because my nose was cold. It was really cold, actually. I felt bad for dragging him out there. What an idiot.
We stumbled back up the steps of the boathouse up to the train tracks before I stopped. Conor looked at me with those worried brown eyes of his and asked me for the millionth time if I was okay. I nodded but when he held out his pinky, I couldn't bring myself to link it.
I didn't really know what I was feeling but I was definitely not okay.
He sighed and put his backpack down to pull me into a hug. I hadn't felt one of those in a while. I wrapped my arms around his waist and felt his head rest on top of my fluffy winter hat. I just got it a few weeks ago and it makes me really happy except everyone kept groping the pom pom and I didn't appreciate that.
I guess he was probably waiting for me to let go because we stood there, hugging, for quite a while. My cheek pressed against his coat zipper and it was starting to hurt so I let my arms fall to my sides. But I still couldn't look at him.
"Maya, could you please just tell me what's wrong?"
I groaned.
"I'm literally a walking stereotype right now."
He went on to tell me about how stereotypes had to be derived from something, right?
For the third time in the span of an hour, I found myself sitting in the middle of an unlikely setting—this time in the middle of our school train tracks.
I sighed and laughed at myself and sighed again and groaned some more before I got any words out.
I'm literally a ball of teenaged angst. I am so sorry.
"I just... what's the point? Of any of it?"
I don't even think I had to explain myself, Conor just let out a laugh before I glared at him for making fun of me.
In his defense, he had been extremely nice to me thus far.
I shlumped onto my back, spread-eagle in the middle of the fucking train tracks, letting autumn leaves cling to my knitted hat and my winter coat.
I sighed and sighed, hoping that each exhale would bring some sort of relief to the fact that we're all gonna die one day, but it didn't. It just made me more anxious that each breath could be my last.
I looked out at the gorgeous trees around us and cursed them for living such a simple life. All they have to do is exist. Nature takes care of the rest.
Us? We're popped out into the world and no one tells us what the fuck we're supposed to do, we're left to scramble and figure it out for ourselves and we have expectations to live up to and such.
A tree doesn't have to be anything more than a tree.
Conor said something along the lines of: "I know nothing I say right now is gonna make you feel any better, so I'm sorry, but just know most of this you have zero control over so there's no use in worrying about it anyway."
And I mean, he's right. But like I said, I'm a stubborn drama queen with a flare for exaggeration apparently, so I couldn't let it go.
I moped and huffed and quietly screamed about all the uncertainties in the world.
Then Conor told me it was time for lunch. So we walked back up the steps past the train tracks.
Except I forget what he said that made me laugh and cry except cry more than laugh, so I fell to my knees in the middle of a grassy hill and faceplanted the ground, no lie.
He laughed after he made sure I wasn't actually hurt or anything, so I laughed too, but I quickly started to cry and cry and cry and just wanted to cease existing because that would be so much easier than pondering the universe.
What if there isn't a God? Everyone I know and love today will one day die. What am I going to do with my life? What if I'm not smart enough for college? How am I going to financially support my family in the future? Why has the world gone to shit?
All these issues felt very real and very urgent. I don't know why, they just did.
And so, I let my tears roll into the dirt and spoil the grass. My hair had fallen into my mouth but I hadn't made any moves to remove it. Everything was just too much.
Once again, CJS was courteous enough to haul me back up and lead me to the dining hall while trying to cheer me up. He made a valiant attempt.
Besides, on Mondays they have ice cream.
Hasta la próxima,
Much love xoxo
Maya
That being said, today a struck of existential crisis hit me in the face like a concrete brick. It was not fun, to say the least. Shout out to CJS for tolerating me through my entire "episode". It was mildly pitiful.
Conor tells me it must've come from all the stress I've been under lately, what with our Fall Play coming up literally this Friday, and hell week (otherwise known as tech week) looming upon us, and exams rolling up next Wednesday, and Enharmonix rehearsals and All State auditions and Thanksgiving travel plans and affection deprivation and forgetting to eat meals and trying to stay sane while all of Benet's PMSes and remembering to do my homework and to not fail at life.
I mean it makes sense if you think about it.
Nonetheless, I've been in the weirdest mood (possibly cuz of my 12 hour tech weekend but it's fine I'm fine we're fine) and that caused me to go from giddy and spontaneous to detached, insufferable and alienated. I honestly don't know how Conor puts up with me, or any of you, for that matter.
First, when we were walking right behind the Science Building, I just sat down—smack on the pavement. Through fits of laughter, Conor and Scott both tried to get me out of the path so other people could walk by but I was being a stubborn piece of shit and didn't feel like getting up. Besides, what was the point?
Mind you, it was practically 40 degrees out and those boys probably wanted nothing to do with the out of doors at the moment. I was just making their life difficult, I guess.
But in all honesty, I was just tired.
After Conor hauled me back up, Scott decided to head out so he wouldn't third wheel but then we bumped into Megan M (otherwise known as "Wife" or "Better Spouse") and I love her to bits but I just wanted to get away from everyone for a while—excluding CJS cuz I hadn't spent five minutes alone with him in what felt like forever and ever and ever.
But of course the only precious time I had with him was ruined by my irrepressible insanity.
He asked me where we were going and I just shrugged. I really didn't know where we were going. I just let my feet lead the way.
I walked past Benet's and past Tuck and found my way over to the lawn across Manor House Road, near the gazebo. I commented on how strange it was that it's already November but the leaves are just now starting to fall. Conor told me this was actually pretty normal.
I sighed.
He kept asking where we were going and I jokingly (sort of) told him I intended to jump in the bay. Besides, it'd be a beautiful day to die.
He followed me regardless because he's a kind hearted soul and followed me even as I stumbled into the chain near the train tracks and even as we made our way down to the rocks, even though it was high tide.
I looked out into the vast body of water and crinkled my nose at the repulsive smell that reminded me of Fish Fridays. Ah, salt water.
I walked past the boathouse, not knowing where my feet would lead me until I came across a flattish rock and sat down. Conor gave me a befuddled look but sat down next to me anyway because apparently he loves me or something.
I didn't even look at him because I didn't know what to do. I didn't even know why I was down there.
They say when you're sad, you should go out to the ocean to make you feel better.
Only I didn't feel any better. I thought I would no longer be sad but I was still pretty darn sad.
I didn't tell him that though because I suck sometimes.
I just sat and stared out at the water and gosh, we live on the prettiest campus you've ever seen, we really do. I watched as the waves crashed into the jumble of sea shells and rocks before running away—again, and again, and again.
I felt Conor kiss my shoulder and I turned my head to smile at him so he didn't think I was ignoring him. He asked me what we were doing there and once again, I shrugged.
I didn't really know, anyway.
I looked back out at the water and sniffled because my nose was cold. It was really cold, actually. I felt bad for dragging him out there. What an idiot.
We stumbled back up the steps of the boathouse up to the train tracks before I stopped. Conor looked at me with those worried brown eyes of his and asked me for the millionth time if I was okay. I nodded but when he held out his pinky, I couldn't bring myself to link it.
I didn't really know what I was feeling but I was definitely not okay.
He sighed and put his backpack down to pull me into a hug. I hadn't felt one of those in a while. I wrapped my arms around his waist and felt his head rest on top of my fluffy winter hat. I just got it a few weeks ago and it makes me really happy except everyone kept groping the pom pom and I didn't appreciate that.
I guess he was probably waiting for me to let go because we stood there, hugging, for quite a while. My cheek pressed against his coat zipper and it was starting to hurt so I let my arms fall to my sides. But I still couldn't look at him.
"Maya, could you please just tell me what's wrong?"
I groaned.
"I'm literally a walking stereotype right now."
He went on to tell me about how stereotypes had to be derived from something, right?
For the third time in the span of an hour, I found myself sitting in the middle of an unlikely setting—this time in the middle of our school train tracks.
I sighed and laughed at myself and sighed again and groaned some more before I got any words out.
I'm literally a ball of teenaged angst. I am so sorry.
"I just... what's the point? Of any of it?"
I don't even think I had to explain myself, Conor just let out a laugh before I glared at him for making fun of me.
In his defense, he had been extremely nice to me thus far.
I shlumped onto my back, spread-eagle in the middle of the fucking train tracks, letting autumn leaves cling to my knitted hat and my winter coat.
I sighed and sighed, hoping that each exhale would bring some sort of relief to the fact that we're all gonna die one day, but it didn't. It just made me more anxious that each breath could be my last.
I looked out at the gorgeous trees around us and cursed them for living such a simple life. All they have to do is exist. Nature takes care of the rest.
Us? We're popped out into the world and no one tells us what the fuck we're supposed to do, we're left to scramble and figure it out for ourselves and we have expectations to live up to and such.
A tree doesn't have to be anything more than a tree.
Conor said something along the lines of: "I know nothing I say right now is gonna make you feel any better, so I'm sorry, but just know most of this you have zero control over so there's no use in worrying about it anyway."
And I mean, he's right. But like I said, I'm a stubborn drama queen with a flare for exaggeration apparently, so I couldn't let it go.
I moped and huffed and quietly screamed about all the uncertainties in the world.
Then Conor told me it was time for lunch. So we walked back up the steps past the train tracks.
Except I forget what he said that made me laugh and cry except cry more than laugh, so I fell to my knees in the middle of a grassy hill and faceplanted the ground, no lie.
He laughed after he made sure I wasn't actually hurt or anything, so I laughed too, but I quickly started to cry and cry and cry and just wanted to cease existing because that would be so much easier than pondering the universe.
What if there isn't a God? Everyone I know and love today will one day die. What am I going to do with my life? What if I'm not smart enough for college? How am I going to financially support my family in the future? Why has the world gone to shit?
All these issues felt very real and very urgent. I don't know why, they just did.
And so, I let my tears roll into the dirt and spoil the grass. My hair had fallen into my mouth but I hadn't made any moves to remove it. Everything was just too much.
Once again, CJS was courteous enough to haul me back up and lead me to the dining hall while trying to cheer me up. He made a valiant attempt.
Besides, on Mondays they have ice cream.
Hasta la próxima,
Much love xoxo
Maya
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