So I've kind of had a lot going on. To be honest, that sounds like a bullshit statement considering everyone's got a ton of stuff to deal with all the time. But that's how it is.
I don't even really know where to begin... I know I've made a few posts here and there throughout the summer but I haven't exactly kept you updated on anything recently. My bad.
I guess you could say this summer's been somewhat eventful. Mainly towards the beginning and the end—the middle was full of a whole lotta nothing. As some of you may or may not know, I spent the first two weeks of summer in Ireland and then in England pursuing a handful of awesome adventures. When I came back to RI, I stayed with Claire Bear for a bit before spending a blissful three days with CJS (we picked strawberries, if you must know.) Soon though, it was time to go home. And that was all right, I guess. I'm just not necessarily the biggest fan of home. Which is okay.
Then, like I said, I spent my days doing a whole lot of nothing, which involved binge watching Fresh Prince, That 70's Show, Stranger Things, Modern Family, and Gilmore Girls. 10/10 would recommend all of those shows. After that, my mom thought I needed something to put on a college application cuz apparently I couldn't tell them that I'd been fervently studying large amounts of cinematography, so to speak.
Instead, I got my first job. Or active, unpaid volunteering, I guess you could call it. Now, I'm not trying to sound like one of those snobby rich kids who've never worked a day in their lives and the second they do, it's hell. That's not what this is about. I actually happened to love my job. I spent almost a month teaching theatre games to young Haitian girls in the Dominican countryside. Granted, some days were long and hot and tiring and full of mosquitos, but other days were full of ceiling fans, strong repellent, hugs and smiles. I actually think I'm gonna be going back next year. The girls did grow on me.
After my last day of work, I hopped on a plane and made my way to fuckin' middle-of-nowhere Minnesota. I cannot tell you how lovely it is there. Quality people. Truly.
I wasn't just there for kicks, however. This would be the first stop of many throughout a whole week of college tours with my dad. It was long. Like really long. We drove 12 hours at a time when we needed to. The drive from Iowa to Ohio takes years, I'm telling you. Not only were we visiting, but I had scheduled tours, info sessions and interviews at each school. Talk about exhausting. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond privileged and happy I got to see some of the schools of my dreams, but it was still a hassle. Despite all that, I am really glad I got to spend all that time with Papi. He just gets me. He really, truly does.
He's just started grad school in NY, so we moved him into his apartment at the end of the week and I got to much on clementines and frozen burritos for a solid three days. After that, I got dropped off at my godmother's with YD while we waited for him to get settled into college (this was where the whole biking fiasco took place). Before I knew it, Conor got up wicked early to come pick me up.
There was a bit of stress surrounding the topic of where I would be staying, but it all technically worked out in the end. Besides, I was just happy to see my favorite person after a long three months :) Getting back to the Abbey though... Boy, was that an experience.
Not to sound morbid, but it was like walking over a dead corpse. Even though I was with Conor, the place was as empty as a graveyard. I knew none of my best friends would be there. They'd be off enjoying themselves at college. I'm the only one left. I'd been dreading this day since the moment I made friends with all of them during my freshman year. I knew one day I'd be the only one left. It's a really lonely thought, if you think about it.
Also, I'm not trying to throw myself a pity party here. I'm not. I'm just telling you what it feels like, so please spare me the "It will get better" spiel, no matter how good your intentions are. I know you're right. I know I'll make more friends soon. Right now it's just scary and it sucks. A lot. Sure, I have CJS and sure, I've got a couple underclassmen peeps but they don't compare to you guys, and no offense, Conor, love, but I can't exactly spend all year with my boyfriend. It doesn't exactly work that way, no matter how much I love you. I just wanna skip to the part where I'm not lonely and everything feels okay again.
Being on campus also brought up a lot of feelings I hadn't had to deal with until I got there. The recent death of our good friend Luc had felt nonexistent until now. Every single one of my friends got to attend his memorial service and they all told me about how rough but how beautiful it was. And no matter how many times they tell me I was there in spirit, it's honestly not the same. It's just not. I know I didn't know Luc as well as a lot of people. If anything, I feel like I don't even deserve to be sad because I can't even begin to comprehend the pain his closest friends and family are going through. But I get attached to people. It's just what I do. And I know he only had a legitimate conversation with me a handful of times but goddamn does it hurt to know his kindness and smiles and goofiness have just up and vanished from the earth. And I wasn't even a part of the goodbye. I didn't have anyone to lean on when it happened. I didn't have a memorial service for closure. I only got a week full of tragic Facebook posts and tearful Instagrams. That was it. It felt unfair.
But alas, life is unfair, so be it.
Despite the whirlpool of emotions I was going through, I still got to have a ton of fun with CJS. We watched a ton of movies like Sing Street, Bottle Rocket, Gone Girl, McFarland, and What's Eating Gilbert Grape (Also 10/10 would recommend.) We played Scrabble and went for walks and made smoothies and finally went out on our first official dinner date even though we've been together for almost a year and a half but it's fine I'm super not salty about it. I'm just kidding, babe ;) We also napped and chilled out on a hammock and attempted slacklining where I got a super badass cut on my thigh (which still stings, btw -_-). And we ate his favorite foods because his mom is just great and we went on long nighttime drives with ice cream and we went nighttime exploring down by the bay and watched a potential rescue mission occur. It was kind of super scary, to be honest. Anyhow, we got to do some pretty fun stuff and I am beyond grateful to his whole family for letting me stay, even if only for a while. Even though it was super fun, I'm still off my meds which means I've been a bit wired as of late and wires cause electrical damage which means I had quite a few meltdowns. And for that, I must thank Conor for all his infinite patience. Thank you thank you thank you I love you.
Today, we left at 6am so he could drop me off back at my godmother's. He has preseason so that's why I'm back here. It kind of sucks. Just a little bit. But I have to get some sort of motivation to start and finish Julius Caesar so...
Move in day is in basically a week and I am not mentally, emotionally or physically prepared for that yet. My dad is dropping me off and saying goodbye to him is never ever ever ever ever a good time. Too many tears involved. It gets messy. And again, the whole lonely empty hollow feeling. Not seeing my best friends is gonna highkey suck. A lot. Ugh. It's a lot to deal with in a very short amount of time. I'm just hoping I get used to it sooner than later.
Oh, also auditions for The Diary of Anne Frank are on Monday. I forget if I ever mentioned that that's gonna be our Fall Play... Either way, now you know. Not gonna lie, that is something I am very much looking forward to. I've begged Bray-Bray for years to give me a dramatic show. And now we've got one. God bless.
Let's see, let's see... What else?
Hmm.
Well.
College is stressful. It's fun and exciting as fuck but it's also stressful. I'm having a lot of self-doubt issues as of late but it's whatever.
Divorce and separation is super confusing. Especially when you're one of the older siblings. Especially when you're all still living under the same roof. It's just hard, that's all. They say it gets easier but I'm still waiting for that day to come.
I miss my dog, Suki. Like a lot.
I kind of can't wait for senior year. But I'm also scared outta my mind. The concept of being a senior is just crazy to me. It really is. I just remember being a freshman thinking that my time would never come. And yet here it is, served to me on a silver platter and I have no idea what the fuck to do with it. I guess no one really does.
I always sorta pictured seniors as having their shit together but now that I am one, I can see almost how much more frightened they are than the freshman. Sure, freshman have got to deal with a whole lotta new stuff being thrown their way and they're itty bitty babies but like... Seniors are just as, if not more scared because we literally have to spend the entire year counting down our lasts. After spending four years in a place, no matter how much you hate it, you grow attached. We're forced to forge our own path into the future even if we have no idea how to do it and that in itself is super exciting but also really really fucked. The system is just fucked.
Either way, I've got a lot ahead of me in the upcoming weeks. If I remember to write, I will. Please don't let me forget. You're the only escape I have.
Hasta la próxima,
Much love xoxo
Maya
P.S: My half birthday is tomorrow. 6 more months til the grand One Seven.
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