On The First of the Lasts

Hello all. Some of you may or may not know, but today was my last first day of high school.

Yep. I am a senior, now, believe it or not.

I guess you could say I had quite an eventful day. Waking up in my very own room while at school was a bit odd, to say the least. I have a single this year and as lovely as it is to have my own privacy and the like, I've found myself awfully lonely without dear Hannah Banana. I woke up at 5:45am because what can you do? It was my last first day and I had to look good.

I took my time getting ready (far different from Junior year where I'd wake up 10 minutes before class started...) and proceeded to memorize an entire song for 8:15 Opening of School Mass. Emmalene and I had a hard time not laughing during it. You should not be surprised. I also managed to hand in my laundry on time and went to breakfast because I'm trying to be healthy and you know, not skip meals.

After church and an uncomfortably long assembly, it was time for my first class: Marine Biology. Granted, the teacher is my advisor and I love him to pieces and he's the chillest dude to walk this earth so I wasn't all surprised but I have a feeling it's gonna be a really great class. Next, I had AP Literature with the legendary Dr. B himself. My class is honestly a party. It's me, CJS, Amber, Scott, Emmalene, and Kevin plus a couple others. In other words, we're the raddest and the baddest AP Lit section this year. Not even gonna lie :)

After English was lunch, which was cut to 40 minutes because special schedule and all. BUT THEY HAD ICE CREAM BECAUSE MONDAYS SO YAY but then I had Precalculus with the new math teacher who seems nice and all but if I'm being honest I was 1000000000% falling asleep. Poor guy.

After that, I rushed on over to Ap European History, where Father P and I totally just made jokes the entire time while he went over the syllabus. Said syllabus makes me want to die, just by the way. It's been the first day and I already have two papers due so that's cool.

Then I had about 40 minutes to get my shit together, tug on my trademark overalls and severely beat-up red converse before making my way up to the auditorium for Anne Frank auditions. The turn out was greater than I expected although I'm having more doubts as to who's gonna play who. The cast list doesn't come out 'til Wednesday which is kinda frustrating but that's okay. I'd just rather get it over with.

Auditions were long but at least I had MegMeg and Scotty P and David Oh and Amanda and Addison and the other David and Emily and Diane. They're a wacky bunch, for sure, but I'm glad I get to spend this next term with them of all people.

I headed to dinner and realized just how badly my day-long headache had developed but I super wasn't feeling the food because Stillman but then CJS forced me to go make a PB&B (peanut butter and banana) sandwich, so at least that's something. Around 6:30, all the new EHX dweebs started freaking out cuz none of them knew their music and I mean I thought I didn't either but compared to them, I'd say I did pretty okay XD

Either way, that was probably the most emotionally challenged part of my day.

I dunno.

I guess it was weird to walk into such a familiar room with some of my fondest memories and yet not a single person from those memories was present but me. And it didn't help that Papa Kerr decided it'd be a great idea to show the rest of the newbies some old EHX videos where we killed our set.

If any of y'all are reading this, you'll know what I mean when I say he played the video from NAIS. We performed Radioactive and Run To You that time. That was our last killer performance of that year. This video was from two years ago. Two whole fucking years ago. I mean I shouldn't even be surprised I'm the only one left! Everyone else there has already graduated. I'm the only one left.

I know I know this is turning sappy and gross but I can't help it so if you're not enjoying this post anymore, I invite you to click the exit button. Otherwise, feel free to stay and read my whirlpool of emotions.

Mr. Kerr pressed play and almost instantly, every single memory of that day clouded my brain. I remember feeling a little sad because I knew it would be my last performance with these guys. I knew it would be my last time performing Run To You (which was my favorite piece from that set). Still, I tried to do my best to overcome that melancholiness and just enjoy the moment. So I focused on my rockin' outfit and dicking around with the rest of the peeps instead. I still have that dress and I still have those boots. However, my hair is about half as long as it was back then, and my skin is definitely heaps clearer than it was then, too. A lot can happen in two years.

Anyway, as I was saying. Mr. Kerr pressed play and instantly, I was looking back at an almost fifteen-year-old me, surrounded by a bunch of dorks who loved me for some godforsaken reason. Tiernan stood right by my side, Gibb was sat at his drum set behind us, C was all the way to the far right, and Soph all the way to the far left, right behind her magical keyboard. I looked around at all of us.

Some goddamn teenagers we are.

Smiling giddily at each other as we prepare to kickass on our last performance together.

That's when present-tense Maya started to tear up. Soph started to play like the Queen that she is and Mr. Kerr jokingly said to the newbies, "If any of you know anyone who can play like that, give me a call!"

And I know I should've laughed cuz he was just messing around. But the real answer to that is pointless. Absolutely no one, and I mean no one can play the keys like Sophia Diodati. And that made me sad. Well, maybe not necessarily sad but it made me realize what a fucking gem she is and what an absolute privilege it was to perform with her let alone become one of her closest friends. I just... I miss her. A lot.

And then we started singing and T and I did that thing where we'd look at each other knowingly and discreetly smirk because we know we're fucking good. Not good.

Fantastic.

And we'd sorta dance and feed off of each other's energy. And Caellum, dear God, he was just standing there all tall and proud cuz he also knows we're pretty darn fabulous and it really can't get any better than that.

So the tears started rolling down my cheeks faster than I could control and I knew that everybody was stealing quiet glances at me out of the corners of their eyes but I didn't give a shit. If anything, I wanted this to prove how special this music ensemble is to me. And how much more the people mean to me. I needed them to know this is what Enharmonix is all about. So I didn't wipe my tears away. I let the mascara stain ugly streaks down my face and sniffled all the while.

And don't even get me started on Run To You. I don't have words for that one. For those of you who've ever witnessed us performing that song, you know exactly what I mean.

All in all, I had a complete meltdown in front of all these new kids at our first rehearsal because I missed my friends. But hey, that's life. Last first days can't always be perfect.

I stayed afterward to talk to Papa Kerr for a while and we discussed the upcoming year and all our goals and expectations and I showed him a CD I'd been dying to show him for a while. So that was fun. I missed just hanging out talking to him in the Wing. But then it hit me this was the first time I'd been down there without anyone else. Without another motive to go. It was just me and Mr. Kerr chilling in the lab (which has AC now btw) and I somehow expected Claire to just walk around the corner. Or Caellum. Or Mike. Or Sophia. Or Tiernan. Or Fonts.

Anyone.

I just missed my friends. I miss you guys. More than you know.

And I'm excited about this year, I really, truly am. I'm just... still in the emotional stage, I guess. I hope I get over it soon.

Anyway, that's about the extent of what I have to tell you about today so I'll leave it at that. If you managed to read all this, thank you. You're cool. I like you.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Young Love

Forgive me as I spill the contents of my brain onto this webpage but the thought's been itching to be written for a while now so...

..........

The trouble with being young and in love is that you've got far too little time.

I know it must sound contradictory to the common phrase, "Oh, you're so young—you've got plenty of time." In fact, it's quite the opposite. You see, teenagers... Well... Adults expect us to act like adults, yet they treat us like children. I mean, what sort of sick madness is that? Do your homework, be responsible, take out the trash, wash the dishes, get a job, get an internship, learn to drive, learn to cook, learn to clean, learn to sew, learn to care for yourself... But don't grow up too fast, don't crash the car, don't get any crazy ideas, don't you dare swear, don't you dare drink, don't you dare smoke, don't you dare do drugs, don't you dare have sex, don't even think about falling in love... Unless it's innocent and pointless or you plan on spending the rest of your life with them.

I mean, the mere concept of adolescence is horrifying enough, let alone having old people breathe down your neck, analyzing your every move. It's stressful! It really is!

Especially because these very same adults claim "puppy love" is normal, but "true love" is obsessive, and we should steer clear of it at all costs. They don't want you thinking about marriage, they don't want you thinking about babies, they don't want you to even fantasize what it would be like to wake up next to your favorite person every morning. Because they're afraid you'll fall into some sort of death trap.

Now, I agree, there's a time and place for everything and truth be told, some realities we are simply too young for. However, I strongly believe that kids will be kids and we need to experience certain things on our own.

You see, the trouble with being young and in love is that you've got far too little time.

Between school and clubs and jobs and responsibilities, any free time you have left is meticulously and precisely calculated by the adults. Sure, they'll act like they care and they'll pretend that every moment you spend with your significant other is so stupidly precious that it'll last forever.

Except they really don't believe any of that crap. All they really want to do is make sure you're not holding hands too tight and that no one ends up pregnant or with premature emotional abuse. They want to save you from all those real world problems by shielding you from potential threats. But in doing so, they steal all those stupid precious moments from you.

All those lingering hugs, all those peppered kisses, all those oddly comfortable silences, all those fingers intertwined, all those stares when you're not looking, all those secret giggles, and inside jokes, and blissful naps, and hair combing, and back scratching, and foot rubbing, and tongue teasing, and side tickling, and heart beating... It's all stolen away because we've just got too little time.

God forbid you start thinking they're the one.

God forbid you begin to believe you met the right person at the wrong time.

God forbid you dwindle into heartache from realization.

Some things are just too good to be true.

So you see, I understand why the adults decide it's best to protect us from all this confusion. But it doesn't make it fair. Love isn't fair at all. It's fucking magnificent if you let it. But it can crush your soul, just as well.

The trouble with being young and in love is that it's complicated.

Simple as that.

Too Much On My Mind

So I've kind of had a lot going on. To be honest, that sounds like a bullshit statement considering everyone's got a ton of stuff to deal with all the time. But that's how it is.

I don't even really know where to begin... I know I've made a few posts here and there throughout the summer but I haven't exactly kept you updated on anything recently. My bad.

I guess you could say this summer's been somewhat eventful. Mainly towards the beginning and the end—the middle was full of a whole lotta nothing. As some of you may or may not know, I spent the first two weeks of summer in Ireland and then in England pursuing a handful of awesome adventures. When I came back to RI, I stayed with Claire Bear for a bit before spending a blissful three days with CJS (we picked strawberries, if you must know.) Soon though, it was time to go home. And that was all right, I guess. I'm just not necessarily the biggest fan of home. Which is okay.

Then, like I said, I spent my days doing a whole lot of nothing, which involved binge watching Fresh Prince, That 70's Show, Stranger Things, Modern Family, and Gilmore Girls. 10/10 would recommend all of those shows. After that, my mom thought I needed something to put on a college application cuz apparently I couldn't tell them that I'd been fervently studying large amounts of cinematography, so to speak.

Instead, I got my first job. Or active, unpaid volunteering, I guess you could call it. Now, I'm not trying to sound like one of those snobby rich kids who've never worked a day in their lives and the second they do, it's hell. That's not what this is about. I actually happened to love my job. I spent almost a month teaching theatre games to young Haitian girls in the Dominican countryside. Granted, some days were long and hot and tiring and full of mosquitos, but other days were full of ceiling fans, strong repellent, hugs and smiles. I actually think I'm gonna be going back next year. The girls did grow on me.

After my last day of work, I hopped on a plane and made my way to fuckin' middle-of-nowhere Minnesota. I cannot tell you how lovely it is there. Quality people. Truly.

I wasn't just there for kicks, however. This would be the first stop of many throughout a whole week of college tours with my dad. It was long. Like really long. We drove 12 hours at a time when we needed to. The drive from Iowa to Ohio takes years, I'm telling you. Not only were we visiting, but I had scheduled tours, info sessions and interviews at each school. Talk about exhausting. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond privileged and happy I got to see some of the schools of my dreams, but it was still a hassle. Despite all that, I am really glad I got to spend all that time with Papi. He just gets me. He really, truly does.

He's just started grad school in NY, so we moved him into his apartment at the end of the week and I got to much on clementines and frozen burritos for a solid three days. After that, I got dropped off at my godmother's with YD while we waited for him to get settled into college (this was where the whole biking fiasco took place). Before I knew it, Conor got up wicked early to come pick me up.

There was a bit of stress surrounding the topic of where I would be staying, but it all technically worked out in the end. Besides, I was just happy to see my favorite person after a long three months :) Getting back to the Abbey though... Boy, was that an experience.

Not to sound morbid, but it was like walking over a dead corpse. Even though I was with Conor, the place was as empty as a graveyard. I knew none of my best friends would be there. They'd be off enjoying themselves at college. I'm the only one left. I'd been dreading this day since the moment I made friends with all of them during my freshman year. I knew one day I'd be the only one left. It's a really lonely thought, if you think about it.

Also, I'm not trying to throw myself a pity party here. I'm not. I'm just telling you what it feels like, so please spare me the "It will get better" spiel, no matter how good your intentions are. I know you're right. I know I'll make more friends soon. Right now it's just scary and it sucks. A lot. Sure, I have CJS and sure, I've got a couple underclassmen peeps but they don't compare to you guys, and no offense, Conor, love, but I can't exactly spend all year with my boyfriend. It doesn't exactly work that way, no matter how much I love you. I just wanna skip to the part where I'm not lonely and everything feels okay again.

Being on campus also brought up a lot of feelings I hadn't had to deal with until I got there. The recent death of our good friend Luc had felt nonexistent until now. Every single one of my friends got to attend his memorial service and they all told me about how rough but how beautiful it was. And no matter how many times they tell me I was there in spirit, it's honestly not the same. It's just not. I know I didn't know Luc as well as a lot of people. If anything, I feel like I don't even deserve to be sad because I can't even begin to comprehend the pain his closest friends and family are going through. But I get attached to people. It's just what I do. And I know he only had a legitimate conversation with me a handful of times but goddamn does it hurt to know his kindness and smiles and goofiness have just up and vanished from the earth. And I wasn't even a part of the goodbye. I didn't have anyone to lean on when it happened. I didn't have a memorial service for closure. I only got a week full of tragic Facebook posts and tearful Instagrams. That was it. It felt unfair.

But alas, life is unfair, so be it.

Despite the whirlpool of emotions I was going through, I still got to have a ton of fun with CJS. We watched a ton of movies like Sing Street, Bottle Rocket, Gone Girl, McFarland, and What's Eating Gilbert Grape (Also 10/10 would recommend.) We played Scrabble and went for walks and made smoothies and finally went out on our first official dinner date even though we've been together for almost a year and a half but it's fine I'm super not salty about it. I'm just kidding, babe ;) We also napped and chilled out on a hammock and attempted slacklining where I got a super badass cut on my thigh (which still stings, btw -_-). And we ate his favorite foods because his mom is just great and we went on long nighttime drives with ice cream and we went nighttime exploring down by the bay and watched a potential rescue mission occur. It was kind of super scary, to be honest. Anyhow, we got to do some pretty fun stuff and I am beyond grateful to his whole family for letting me stay, even if only for a while. Even though it was super fun, I'm still off my meds which means I've been a bit wired as of late and wires cause electrical damage which means I had quite a few meltdowns. And for that, I must thank Conor for all his infinite patience. Thank you thank you thank you I love you.

Today, we left at 6am so he could drop me off back at my godmother's. He has preseason so that's why I'm back here. It kind of sucks. Just a little bit. But I have to get some sort of motivation to start and finish Julius Caesar so...

Move in day is in basically a week and I am not mentally, emotionally or physically prepared for that yet. My dad is dropping me off and saying goodbye to him is never ever ever ever ever a good time. Too many tears involved. It gets messy. And again, the whole lonely empty hollow feeling. Not seeing my best friends is gonna highkey suck. A lot. Ugh. It's a lot to deal with in a very short amount of time. I'm just hoping I get used to it sooner than later.

Oh, also auditions for The Diary of Anne Frank are on Monday. I forget if I ever mentioned that that's gonna be our Fall Play... Either way, now you know. Not gonna lie, that is something I am very much looking forward to. I've begged Bray-Bray for years to give me a dramatic show. And now we've got one. God bless.

Let's see, let's see... What else?

Hmm.

Well.

College is stressful. It's fun and exciting as fuck but it's also stressful. I'm having a lot of self-doubt issues as of late but it's whatever.

Divorce and separation is super confusing. Especially when you're one of the older siblings. Especially when you're all still living under the same roof. It's just hard, that's all. They say it gets easier but I'm still waiting for that day to come.

I miss my dog, Suki. Like a lot.

I kind of can't wait for senior year. But I'm also scared outta my mind. The concept of being a senior is just crazy to me. It really is. I just remember being a freshman thinking that my time would never come. And yet here it is, served to me on a silver platter and I have no idea what the fuck to do with it. I guess no one really does.

I always sorta pictured seniors as having their shit together but now that I am one, I can see almost how much more frightened they are than the freshman. Sure, freshman have got to deal with a whole lotta new stuff being thrown their way and they're itty bitty babies but like... Seniors are just as, if not more scared because we literally have to spend the entire year counting down our lasts. After spending four years in a place, no matter how much you hate it, you grow attached. We're forced to forge our own path into the future even if we have no idea how to do it and that in itself is super exciting but also really really fucked. The system is just fucked.

Either way, I've got a lot ahead of me in the upcoming weeks. If I remember to write, I will. Please don't let me forget. You're the only escape I have.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: My half birthday is tomorrow. 6 more months til the grand One Seven.