Midnight Blues

Hiya fellow surfers of the interwebs. Fancy seeing you here on such a fine... early morning... I guess?

Who am I kidding? Y'all are hopefully all sound asleep by now and thank goodness for that because you humans need your beauty sleep.

Not that you need any more gorgeousness than you already have, but you know what I mean. Just take the damn advice and roll with it.

See, I wish I could tell you all I've woken up in the middle of the night with some epic epiphany that I desperately had to share with you or that I've been up for hours deciphering life's complexities or something useful like that, but to tell the honest truth, all I've been doing is watch movie trailers on YouTube and look at the Top 10 Best Auditions for America's Got Talent or some show of that ilk. My dear friends, let me tell you I am consistently amazed at how many brilliantly talented, undiscovered artists there are out there. It's scary.

Anyhow, I got to thinking (which 50% of the time is never a good thing). I realized how long it's been since I've been able to accomplish something or perform something I'm super proud of. It may just be my theatre geekiness or my intrigue for the limelight or who knows, but my point is I fucking miss being able to stand in front of a crowd and being able to absolutely blow them away. I miss the sheer thrill of it all. How raw a performance can be if permitted. How an orchestra just elevates the adrenaline. How toe-tapping and knee-jitters are completely inevitable. I miss being so vulnerable yet so prepared—nervous, yet unafraid.

Goddamn, I miss being proud of something. Lately, I've found myself chickening out of a lot of things and maybe that's just the psychological rollercoaster that goes down once you're thrown into the deathly grip of the college process. The whole "What if" mentality gets old real fast, but bad habits die hard, and goodness me, my "What if" syndrome is out of control.

What if my grades aren't good enough? What if I'm not smart enough? What if I'm not ethnic enough? What if I'm not courageous enough? What if I'm not talented enough? What if I'm not "their type"? What if I disappoint? What if I let someone down? What if I'm not wealthy enough? What if I'm too boring? Too young? Too fake? Too immature? What if I make the wrong impression? What if they're better than me? What if I suck? What if I sound completely uneducated? What if I'm ignorant? What if I don't make friends? What if my anxiety flares up? What if I have a panic attack? What if all my friends reject me? What if my old friends forget me? What if what if what if what if I stop breathing? What if what if what if I don't know what to say? I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know

And that's just a small sample of what swims around in my brain most of the day, but usually just late at night. Either way, as much as I kinda dread having to face school and people again, I'm sort of excited to get started with a couple of things, like EHX for instance. It'll be weird because none of my old peeps will be there don't cry don't cry don't cry but nonetheless, I'm sure it'll still be a new and exciting experience. I'm also anticipating/dreading the announcement of the Fall Play because sheesh, it could either be flippin amazing or something pulled outta the hell hole like Wild Oats.

I'm already keeping my fingers crossed for a few surprise visits from the ol' grads because it would mean a heck of a lot to me and plus, surprises of that kind are super awesome and I miss you *hint hint*

I'm also going on a whole bunch of college visits soon and again, it's all sorta one big blur of super duper exciting and holy shit I'm gonna puke. No lie. But most of the schools I'm looking at have fabtastic theater programs and good Lord am I ready to have a real drama program (no offense to the Abbey and all its wonderful players.)

I feel like I've just been rambling here mainly because I feel a wee bit lonely and hormones are a bitch and agh who knows?

OO WAIT BEFORE I FORGET I JUST SAW THE NEW GHOSTBUSTERS AND IT WAS FANTASTIC SO PLEASE GO WATCH IT WHILE IT'S STILL IN THEATERS BECAUSE THOSE WOMEN KICK ASS AND IT IS SO IMPORTANT FOR GIRLS TO HAVE BADASS ROLE MODELS AND IN ORDER FOR THAT TO HAPPEN THE MEDIA HAS TO CATCH WIND OF GOOD REVIEWS SO PLEASE GO GO GO GO WATCH IT

(also, I happen to have a super mega crush on Kate McKinnon who plays Jillian Holtzmann and one may say I've fallen deeply in love with her nerdiness, dorkiness, and badassery *insert heart eyes here*)

I've also had a recent obsession with the musical Waitress because basically, Sara Bareilles is a genius and that's about all I can say about that.

I should probably wrap this up somehow... Oh whale, people. Go watch some good movies, dance to good music, eat some good fruit, and drink enough water. Take care of yourselves please and thank you. Maya would appreciate it <3

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya