Stray Thoughts

I've found that I'm the kind of person who will listen to the same songs over and over and over until I've drilled them so far into my skull that I no longer like listening to them--I only like recalling them and attaching them to a certain memory that will make me smile fondly and then carry on.

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My new medication has caused a surprising amount of nosebleeds to occur in the past few weeks. My nose hurts. It feels cracked. So does my spine. Probably from sleeping on airplanes and benches so much.

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I realized how bad of an actress I am today. And before you say anything, no--I am not trying to throw myself a pity party. Auditions for the Spring Play were today. We're doing Ken Ludwig's Midsummer Jersey which is a play off of Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream and Jersey Shore. A lovely clash of colors, in case you were wondering. Having never heard a Jersey accent before in my entire life, I was slightly freaking out about whether we were meant to do accents or not. I opted not to--too afraid to make a fool out of myself. Then I got mad at myself. 

To be a truly good actor or actress, one is either comfortable enough in themselves to be able to make a fool out of themselves and not care (that's what 90% of theatre is, anyway) or they are comfortable enough in playing people other than themselves that they can hardly tell the difference. Today I realized that I am neither.

I'm certainly not confident in myself physically, romantically, intellectually, or even socially. I know for a fact that most people aren't--even those who play it off like they are--but I can't even muster up the courage to pretend.

I was disappointed today.

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Over break I read Mitch Albom's The FIve People You Meet In Heaven. I highly recommend it. Quick read. Great lesson.

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It's only the first day back from break and I think my hand is already breaking out in hives from anxiety. What else could it be, heat rash? I highly doubt it.

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I'm trying very, very super hard to be better. At everything. School. Acting. Singing. Writing. Being a friend. Being a sister. Being a daughter. Being kind. Being courageous. Being faithful. Being supportive. Being caring. Protecting myself. Protecting others. Being stronger. I'm trying. I am.

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Things around here have been sorta outta whack for a number of reasons but for now, I'm gonna blame it all on auditions even though it kinda has nothing to do with that.

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I looked out the window in the car on my way back to the Abbey and looked at the sky. I mean really looked at it. And God, the colors were so beautiful. I swear, it's like someone loved water coloring so much they decided to splatter the sky.

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I've only had two full meals in the past 48 hours and I hate myself for it. Not entirely my fault, though.

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I'm homesick already. I miss everyone here, but I wanna go back. I miss my bed.

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I have high hopes for this term and yet I'm terrified beyond my mind. So many things are up in the air right now and I just have to kinda frolic along like nobody's business.

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I've been trying to get around to doing meditation. Good for the soul, I guess.

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I just realized the song I said I'd finish by now isn't finished.

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Everyone's talking about prom already and it makes me feel like I'm swimming ten feet under.

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I don't know what my plans are for Easter break, which is next weekend by the way, and that sort of scares me.

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I learned that being isolated for a certain period of time does things to you. Like love people more.

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I really love hugs. I don't really know how to explain how much. The best ones are the ones that come out of nowhere--the ones that surprise you and the ones you didn't expect. Those are the best. Make you feel important.

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My heart goes out to all who are having a rough time right now. Whether it's the teensiest little thing or something colossal weighing on their shoulders. I'm sorry. I wish I could help. I love you.

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Last time I was at the Abbey, it was buried in snow. Now it's not. And that's weird.

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The longer I look at my face in the mirror when I brush my teeth, the more I look like a hamster.

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Max is back. Thank the Lord.

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I wish I knew the answers to everything. I wish there was some secret wisdom that made everything better.

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My most faithful companion has been dear old Mr. Bunny. We've been a great team. 13 years and counting.

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Home smells like heat. Rain. Old Spice. Chanel perfume. Food in the kitchen. Colgate. Dirty dogs. Laundry detergent. Chlorine. Spilled mango juice. Avocados. 

It looks like dirty socks. Messy rooms. A cramped kitchen without an island. A bathroom with pink curtains. A multicolored lamp. Legos. A broken X Box. Stuffed animals. Forgotten books. Paper. Cold floors. Sweaty pajamas. CD's from the 70's.

It feels like hugs. Forehead kisses. Squishy flip flops. Hot showers. Mosquito bites. Keyboards. Pencils and paper. Dish soap. Paper napkins. Plastic cups. Ice cubes. Wooden doors. Beach towels. Cotton underwear. Bathing suits. Haircuts. Warm palms.

It sounds like blenders. High heel clicks. Bare feet scraping the ground. Venders in the streets. Phone calls. Alarm clocks. A bicycle I never learned how to ride. 

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No one is an island.

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I forgot to pack most of my underwear.

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I'm trying to be who I want to be and who I know I can be if I try hard enough. It's a work in progress.

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I'm not trying to make everything sound depressing. My break was amazing, I'll have you know. There will probably be another post about it sometime soon.

Thank you for listening.

Much love, now and forever xoxo

Maya