Creativity comes and goes in bits and pieces. Much like love.
Love does that, too.
Sometimes it pours into your life in torrents, other times it faintly trickles... Sometimes, it might even feel like it's not there at all (don't worry, it is—you just haven't quite found it yet).
Anyone who knows me or knows this blog understands that I am often at war with my artistic self. It's either never enough or too much. I'm too black and white; too all or nothing. It's a trait most of my family inherited. I'm constantly torn between GO GO GO and NO NO NO. I'm either rushing or dragging; soaring or crashing; exploding with material or run absolutely dry. It's exhausting to live your life in extremes.
Every few months I get stuck in a creative rut, where I feel like nothing nothing nothing I produce is worth paying any mind to. And typically, when the rut comes to an end, I am bursting with life and ideas and neverending thoughts that I must get down on paper before they disappear. The only issue with that, of course, is the expense of my health. When I'm not producing, I get down on myself for not being enough which in turn makes me depressed and zaps my productivity. When I am producing, I drive myself manic from hours upon hours of creation—no rest for the wicked... or food or breaks either, apparently.
I've gotten quite lucky in that the past week, fortune favored both love & creativity for me :) Seldom do those things come in pairs (at least in my experience—if it's happened often for you, must be nice). Finding new loves and rediscovering old ones is... Gosh, it's amazing. A bit overwhelming, sure, but so unbelievably rewarding, 10/10 would recommend. And then there was my drama final.
Did I put it off to the last minute? Of course. Do I work best under extreme, unnecessary pressure? You betcha.
My Movement for Actors class presented all our finals last week. We were to take a portrait of our choosing, embody the character in the frame, and produce a two-minute movement piece based on it. Out of all the portraits in the world, I chose a self-portrait of my brother, Yan Diego, called Mirror & Me. It depicts a shirtless young man looking solemnly into a hand mirror, a cross necklace around his neck, his silhouette a horned figure. The thing is, as much as it was a portrait of himself, it was also a portrait of me. And everyone in my family who has struggled with inner demons.
Growing up in a traditional catholic community had many downfalls. One of the biggest things was the lack of support when it came to mental illness. Feeling as though the fabric from which you were made actively went against all your community's beliefs was a lonely thing to experience, especially as a young child. Feeling as though you were left with no choice but to hate yourself was... not pleasant in the least.
I have often found that my best works are a product of excruciating pain. Why would this be any different?
I decided to use Bon Iver's 715 CREEKS as my background. Somehow it perfectly encapsulated everything I wanted to portray in a single song. The peaks and valleys of violence and tenderness... The conflicting duality of beauty and pain... Loving and hating oneself all in one go. My dear friend Caellum first introduced me to that song. We "grew up" performing together so, in a way, I wanted to pay homage to him as well.
Then came the exploration of movement. I'm no professional and I certainly had no clue what I was doing, but I wanted whatever came from this project to be felt, like really truly felt by the audience. So into my reservoir of feels I dove. It was awkward at first. I didn't know how my body was supposed to move or what I was supposed to feel. I just kinda went with it. I told myself I had to film it soon before I chickened out.
I forced Linnea to be my accomplice and help me film the piece in the downstairs bathroom (look, we needed to use a big mirror, okay?) I was beyond embarrassed at first. It took me about thirteen tries to hype myself up before I could allow myself to perform in front of my best friend.
But I'd say it was worth it. Thanks to Linnea, it only took me two tries to show everything I possibly could have wanted on camera. And those two tries took just about every ounce of energy I had. I hadn't felt that pleased with anything I'd produced in months. It's sorta hard to explain. I felt relieved that it was over.
My audiences seemed to like it :)
It's wild how love and creativity came hand in hand this past week. I am so blessed to love and be loved by such wonderful, kind, brilliant, generous, witty, complex human beings. Some of those humans have floated in and out of my life and I could not be more thankful for them. I guess my point is: cherish new loves, cherish old loves, cherish the loves you never thought you'd love again. Strive to love unconditionally. Love unapologetically. Love loudly. Love boldly.
There is strength in vulnerability. There is there is there is.
Hasta la próxima,
Much love xoxo
Maya
