Monday, July 31, 2017

Present Positives :)

Hi friends!

I know it's been a while. I'm sorry, my bad. But anyway, I went back to my blog and read the last couple of entries and noticed an unbelievably depressing pattern. While I don't apologize for my writing—because I meant every last one of those words—I do apologize for the seemingly endless somber tone. The past few weeks, hell, the whole summer's been filled with challenges and ups and downs and bouts of depression and anxiety and things... HOWEVER. Considering I am done with work and finally have free time again, I thought I'd catch you up or something on all the not-so-awful things going on :) Sorry if this isn't exactly terribly important, I just thought my blog could use a change of tone.

First and foremost:

HAPPY 36TH BIRTHDAY, HARRY JAMES POTTER!!!

My dude is getting quite old if y'all hadn't noticed. (Daniel Radcliffe, on the other hand, is looking fine as ever *cue heart eyes*)

Okay okay okay where to start...

Well, as I mentioned, I no longer have to go to work and wake up at 6am and have no life so that is super great!!! Don't get me wrong, I love every last one of my precious girls but they were quite a handful and I found myself losing my voice for days at a time. Plus it's nice to be able to sleep in.

Mami's also been taking us to see "live" screened performances from London (I say "live" cuz of the timezone difference so it's not actually live by the time we get to see it but no matter). Over the past two weeks, I got to see The Old Vic's production of Twelfth Night (which holds a dear place in my heart seeing as it was the first Abbey production I was ever in) and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead. Let me just say, holy fucking hell, they are exactly the reason I want to pursue theater. Like, just the sheer dramaticism and boldness of the actors was so unbelievably hysterical and captivating UGH I was so in love <3 Now, Imma just gush about them for a bit so pay no mind.

Okay wow guys just wow wow wow so Twelfth Night was set in a more modern time and it was uber gender-bent and like it worked so flawlessly and seamlessly and their choice for music (live music, btw) was so perfect and well-executed and hysterical like the musicians had no lines but they were onstage almost all the time and would react to the stuff happening onstage and it was amazing and I loved it and I also freaking love the fact that they cast actors from all different places of the UK like they all had different accents and it made it all so much more interesting I dunno maybe that's just me but anywho I was so so so in love with the woman who played Viola like holy wow first of all the fact that they had so many POC in this show was SO AWESOME and just yay yay yay

End of Rant No.1

Now for Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead lemme just say that I HAD NO CLUE MY BABY DANIEL RADCLIFFE WAS GONNA BE IN IT like no one informed me of this??? I was not emotionally prepared??? And to top it all off, let me just point out that he played Rosencrantz, which was the exact role Gary Oldman played a bazillion years ago. Who's Gary Oldman, you say? Why no other than the man who played fucking SIRIUS BLACK!!! In other words, HARRY POTTER'S GODFATHER!!! In other words, Daniel Radcliffe was meant to play the part cuz his onset godfather played the part and both of them were literally perfect for the role like I cannot even begin to explain it to you like this show was just the perfect combination of hysterical and deep as shit holy wow like don't get me wrong it is incredibly existentialist and philosophical and complicated at times but as someone who highkey loves that stuff, it was unbelievable. I cried and laughed actual tears and found myself mesmerized time and time again by the sheer TALENT these actors brought to the stage. Probably one of my favorite shows to date.

End of Rant No.2

SO now that that's out of the way... I have more things to tell you! So as you may or may not know, I am attending my parent's alma mater in the fall and I am beyond excited for many many many reasons, reasons I shall list below:

1. Their theater program is AMAZING. Like, hands down, one of the best in the country for non-art schools.

2. I shall be taking Italian which I've wanted to learn since I was five years old.

3. I shall also be taking an introduction to Psychology and an introduction to Jazz Dance which I am beyond pumped for.

4. THEIR A CAPPELLA MIGHT AS WELL BE PROFESSIONAL LIKE HOLY SHIT I WOULD PAY GOOD MONEY TO WATCH THEM PERFORM BUT THE GOOD THING IS I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO

5. I plan on auditioning for one of said a cappella groups.

6. Weird as fuck coincidence, by random selection, I ended up being sorted into the same dorm my mom lived in when she was a student. And to prove that it's even more of a perfect match, people at the college affectionately call it the Hogwarts dorm. Like could this be any more ideal?

7. As of tomorrow, I can start applying for work study jobs which will be v great cuz I shall be v broke.

8. They have a brand new dining service this year which includes A FUCKING FOOD TRUCK like omg yes I 1000% approve.

9. I will be only about two hours away from my dad so I can see him more often than not :)

10. It's fucking gorgeous there and the people I've met so far are incredible and intelligent and hilarious and kind and cool and nonjudgemental and I am so in love with every aspect of this school. (Shoutout to my roomie, Linnea <3 This year's gonna be great!)

And of course many other reasons I can't even begin to list I can't wait to finally be hella gay 

In other news, Papi moved to a new apartment (or will move as of this Friday) and he finally has it all to himself and IT HAS A BATHTUB!!! Now, before you ask me why I'm so enthusiastic about the bathtub, please know that my apartment in DR is absent of one and I haven't been able to take a bubble bath in literally two years. Also know that I am a hygiene freak and a bath product enthusiast and enjoy all things that smell divine which is why I own an unnecessary amount of soaps and bath bombs and bath salts and such. EXCEPT I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO USE THEM UNTIL NOW. So life is great, my dudes, life is great.

Another thing I should probably mention is my newfound addiction to Say Yes To The Dress. Like, I already knew I was into it but I'd never actually binged it 'til this weekend. And let me just say that it is such an unbelievably feel good reality show like wow wow wow the bride's excitement and happiness is so contagious and I love every bit of it. Plus I find myself talking to the screen more than usual. Typically when I find a dress hideous beyond words but you know, it happens. (Shoutout to my new friend Ellie who has vowed to binge watch it with me when we get to college—I love you girl! Hugs and kisses for you!)

OTHER FUN UPDATE: after weeks and weeks and weeks of planning and rescheduling and conflicts and shit, I finally get to marathon Harry Potter with my bestie, Pri. Pizza and blankets and fuzzy socks will be involved so I am so beyond excited for tomorrow!

AND AND AND even though I promised myself to never watch Game of Thrones (didn't feel like giving into the hype, chafeel?) I am actually now in the middle of Season Two so fuck my life cuz it's like really good. Ugh.

Other thing I am super duper mega uber proud of: I have finished reading a total of 12 books this summer, all by my little self. I know, I am v shocked. If only if only I could read academic books that quickly... *sigh* Oh whale.

Let's see, let's see, what else? OH! Well, this weekend, the fam is headed to the beach except we're going to be camping there??? So that should be interesting. Let's just say I'm not much of a nature gal :P

I HAD A REALLY COOL DREAM ABOUT NARNIA LAST NIGHT BUT IT'D BE WAY TOO COMPLICATED TO EXPLAIN SO JUST TAKE MY WORD FOR IT

I am unbelievably excited for sweater weather, my guys. Like you have no idea. Summer here has been suffocating and I need me some chilly vibes.

Pinterest has been like my best friend that last couple of weeks and I'm afraid I'm turning into a middle-aged white woman.

My dog is also adorable. Thought you should know that.

If you are still reading this, I commend you and please know that I appreciate your soul very, very much. Best wishes to all you lovely pumpkins <3

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

P.S: Remember to drink water!!! Treat yourself as you would a small child!!!

Monday, July 10, 2017

Fragments of a Fragile Mind

The universe works in funny ways. Last week, things got a bit dark and fuzzy again.

If it weren't for my dearest friends, I don't know where I'd be.

Here are mere fragments of the things said, all from different conversations, bits and pieces of the state of mind.

The purpose was to show the scattered frenzy that I can become and ultimately, to show that you are not alone. The fact that I'm writing this right now proves that I was not alone, even if it felt that way.

I can assure you at this moment in time I am safe and okay.

Caution: May contain triggering content. If you are ever at risk, please get help. I beg of you.

..........

Sorry sorry

I feel sick

So many things happened

How can I not let that define me?

I was trying to be rhetorical, asshole

The sad part is I wanna try again...

Except I wanna succeed this time

I wanna hurt again

So fucking badly

I am so so sorry

I won't do anything tonight

But I cannot tell you how lovely dying sounds

How lovely slipping away sounds

I

I'm trying to be okay

Over and over again

I love you all so much it hurts but I can't tell you how much I want to die

I'm so fucking weak

But I can't get out of my head

You shouldn't love me

Fuck

I want to go

I want to go so badly

My head is pounding

So exhausted

But I'm all snot and tears and yucky

All I'm gonna dream about is dying and I'm scared

I'm sorry for keeping you up

I just feel so fucking lonely

Fucking hell

I just wanna be loved

I don't wanna be judged

I wanna be hugged and told that I matter

And fall asleep not hating myself

I want people to fucking give a shit about me

I don't want to disappear into nothingness

I want to hurt because I don't know how else to be okay

I want the outside to match the inside

Just

I just can't go to work

There's so much blood

I'm literally itching for sharp edges

I'm craving it holy fuck is this what addiction feels like?

I can feel the hurt in my chest, I can physically locate it

I don't even like blood

And how I could so easily drown myself there

It feels like there's this little parasite in my brain telling me that I want things that I don't really want

And I'm too tired to cry anymore

It's just been the worst night ever

Just know that I love you please

And I hope that you love me

But I cannot promise you that I won't try again

I'm sorry if I've failed you

I didn't mean to scare you I'm so sorry

Goddammit 

I just really want to not exist

And I can't bear to put you through another Rosie

I want to end it so bad

I feel like I'm suffocating

But I'm not actually sick

My head throbs

Please don't leave me

I feel lonely

Not your fault

And I couldn't think and my heart was literally ITCHING, like a mosquito bite but inside of me

And I kept scratching at my chest and trying to breathe but it was suffocating

I felt physically attacked

My head was pounding with a migraine. It still is.

And I just can never win ever

I am never right

I am never understood

I'm still in bed

I just feel so unaccepted here

I'm just so angry

I just feel bad

I haven't eaten since 7:30pm last night

I don't want this to get worse

Everything feels so foggy right now

My whole body feels heavy

I still can't get out of bed

I don't know

I'm sorry it's not like I meant to

I love you too

..........

Bless the hearts who endured with me through the early hours of the morning. I couldn't have done it without you.

Please know that I am home and safe and okay. As okay as I can be.

And again, please get help if you are in need of assistance. It is the best thing that will ever happen to you.

I love you all.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya