Now, I will say I planned on waiting 'til the end of my senior year to post this, but I'm a tad bit impatient and I've already waited a good, long two and a half years so now's as good a time as ever. Another thing I should probably mention is a lot of these won't make sense unless you know the person saying it. Since it's impossible to expect all my readers to know each other, I've decided to exclude names from this post. That reason and also just so no one gets accidentally offended or in trouble :)
Look at me being all responsible.
Last disclaimer before I let you loose: some of these were said by me, others (possibly and most probably the more offensive ones) were said by my dearest friends and companions, so if you are easily offended, I suggest you leave now.
If you are easily amused, by all means, stay. Stay a while and see how long it takes before confusion consumes you :)
Onwards.
..........
"Love is when you care for someone even though they suck."
"Good for you, Maya. It takes balls to be hated that much."
"Baby steps but NO BABIES!!!"
"What kind of a name is Allcock? That's like saying my last name is Allpussy!"
"They hate us cuz they ain't us."
"They hate us cuz they butthole?"
"In a world filled with darkness, disco is the light."
"Sozanski, what is the number one difference between you and successful people? Your hair."
"Listen, Sozanski, your hair has to GLISTEN! Everyone knows redheads have more fun."
"Stupid ass gurl, if I wanted some milk I woulda gone to the kitchen!"
"I love you with my entire soup."
"Duck is literally just dirty chicken."
"I don't think they actually thought I was dead..."
"Yeah Anny, get with the lesbian fucking times."
"Look at the people, they hide in plane sight, u gotta find the overalls through the over-somes."
"Wow I wish people cheered for me just for existing."
"Sozanski, you're not a squirrel!!"
"I can find my own porn!"
"Anny, I'm warning you right now, if I hear your voice one more time, I'm kicking you out of this dorm and my life."
"Bite me."
"Nah, you probs taste like tree bark."
"You can't half ass that, you gotta full ass that."
"I know, but who the fuck cares what I think? I always think I'm the shit."
"Everybody's got a dick...in here."
*points to heart*
"There needs to be more jiggle."
"Change my watuh muthafucka."
"MY UTERUS IS BEING A DICK."
"Don't like grope the heart."
"She looks like the green goblin."
"Except she's black."
"I talk a lot but I don't really like to."
"Go back to white man land. Jesus."
"When I lived there, I lived there a lot."
"Pocketful of pocketful of pocketful of lint."
"Here I am, a common European stew with extra potato."
"I'm a hater because I'm cranky and old."
"I sound ignorant."
"You are ignorant."
"Because Conor's a dramatic bitch, that's why."
"I just don't want deer to jump out, it's just like stay the fuck home."
"Conclusion: peanuts are just edible kangaroos."
"She's from Ohio!! That's not even south!!!"
"I kinda wanna be a rock. But like a pretty one."
"We're gonna be run over by muskrats ugh."
"That's a big ass valley."
"Seriously, what is this UFO business? We're in the middle of Ohio like what are you doing here?"
"If it's not cute, it doesn't matter."
"YEAH YOU DRINK THAT ORANGE JUICE... FUCKING SLUT!"
"Why would you ever wanna live somewhere that rhymes with loin?"
"Because it's a meme! Memes are forever."
"Who drinks vodka casually???"
"I don't have back sweat!"
"Did you know there's ice cream for dogs?"
"Yeah, it's called your ass."
"I'M TELLING YOU--WU WEI IS THE WAY TO GO!"
"I cleaned my earhole out."
"My favorite part of the day is when Papi gives up."
"MAYA NO! No passive aggressive life hating!"
"Then you've gotta be the best poop you can be."
"That's why we need Drake, to split up Kansas."
"Just because you have an earring and a girlfriend doesn't make you the alpha."
"He looks like the messed up face of John Travolta."
"The Godfather took place in where?"
"In the DR."
"You haven't even seen that movie."
"Maya, there's no yinyang in this bullshit."
"After you live in a castle, everything else is just mildly disappointing."
"THE MOON IS A LIE!"
"Everyday is leg day in the castle."
"Hey, guys, look! It's a rare specimen. Here we have a special snowflake. Hey, hey you, would you like some attention?"
"That bull's just like pissed off at a ROCK."
"Farts are the ghosts of meals past."
"Good luck with your butthole!"
"Waaaagaaaaa mama. Wagamama!!!"
"If you have at least one leg, you are a cat."
"We came, we saw, we puffined."
"Puffins are literally fruit-beaked penguins. They're so cute!"
"They're all extinct."
"Time to dangle our rectums, guys!"
"GET GLUC-ED!"
"Look, Irish cracker eats Irish cracker."
"Look, it's a Gubbeen. Theeeeeenks!"
"Claire, matches are illegal, didn't you know that?"
"Yeah, well, so are you, Maya, but you're still here."
"Everybody knows Hitler loved apples!!"
"I'm not a landfish, guys."
"Nuuuu Michelleee!"
"Don't put my blood on your pasta."
"I hope you're mildly inconvenienced for the rest of your life."
"You're a dumbledweeb."
"Do you want a little applesauce conscience on your shoulder?"
"I will crack your ribs until you die."
"I'm gonna do this til you hurt."
"Believe it or not, I don't need any fox dick."
"Is that Zootopia porn version?"
"Cups are for weenies."
"MY ROOM IS GONNA BE NEXT TO A FIELD OF PONIES!!!"
"What's a mandril?"
"It's a lowkey mammoth."
"I am absolutely fifty shades of not okay."
"What they don't tell you is that Spiderman probably has cancer."
"Glitter is the herpes of the craft world."
"That's one of the few things I'm quite sure about. Your arm will not turn into a dolphin."
"I feel like a coupon book."
"Passing tacks sounds like one of the least fun things you could possibly do."
"I AM THE ULTIMATE CHICKEN NUGGET!"
"Do all mammals give live birth?"
"No, all mammals as opposed to platapu."
"Platapu???"
"The rooster doesn't just like hump the egg."
"No! The rooster doesn't 'do' the egg!"
"So you don't get to pick who your baby daddy is?"
"What if flamingos could drive?"
"Alright I'm gonna do the twist-twist now."
"That sounds like some sort of martial art."
"My name is Caellum Kerr, therefore, asshole."
"So like... No homo man but like... Can I kiss you?"
"You're not just Maya, you're FUCKING Maya!"
"Oh look! Those look like dirty clouds!"
"Meningitis? Why can't it be Womanengitis?"
"Caellum's a salty mama."
"Hockey games are where grown men fight each other."
"Wait, old men find each other??"
"I'M SORRY YOU DONT HAVE A PENIS!"
"Literally, life decisions not on fleek."
"Don't let the turkeys getcha down."
"BUT IT'S SO SCARY AND I HAVE A KNOT THE SIZE OF ECUADOR ON MY SHOULDER."
"We get attached to the weirdest things, Maya: marshmallow robots and founding fathers."
"Why did I read 'campus' as 'cramps'?"
"Well, they're basically the same thing."
"Here, let me pull myself up on iTunes real quick."
"Wait they're all naked?! That's super funny!!!"
"What kind of a name is Gretchen Weiners?"
"WHY THE FUCK DO WOMEN ENDURE ALL THE BULLSHIT IN THIS WORLD?!"
"I will be quiet like a little mole."
"Well if you have a fat wrist then congratu-fucking-lations!"
*white girl voice*
"No friends, same problems. #relatable"
"Welcome to the Portsmouth Abigail, where nothing works and you want to die most of the time."
"It might be my ego and giant superiority complex, but I feel like we're doing a lot better than your other section... Plus Matias is in that section."
*tiny children walk by*
"Oh look, it's your brethren."
"Maya's a Mexican supremacist now. It's like the real south will rise again."
"Biblical sexual is my personal favorite."
"Hannah I'm gonna cry."
"Don't cry, you don't have time."
"STOP THROWING THINGS AT ME."
"I thought it would be a good idea to put my head down for a while and then the entire continent of Asia started playing the piano."
"Who run the world? David."
"Yeah, sure, could I just have a slice of the pink girly gay pirate one?"
*raises hand*
"I can't catch things. There's a reason I do drama..."
"You look like a fish."
"I'm just gonna pretend like my whole life is very together."
"Did you salt your cucumber?"
"...But here's my number, so Call Me--"
"Never."
"...as he tried to throw mayonnaise on my body..."
"Juneau, Alaska, Juneau Alaska, Juneau Alaska, Juneau Alaska, Juneau Alaska, Juneau Alaska, Juneau, Alaska, Juneau, Alaska, Juneau, Alaska, Juneau, Alaska."
"Keep the collar up and the haters out."
"She sounds like a man when she coughs."
"Yo pretend my hand is a cookie."
"Javier is very literal, his world is black and white."
"No, it's not. It's full of colors!"
"He's always so lonely when he poops."
"MY THRIFTY BITZ BRINGS ALL THE KITTIES TO THE YARD AND THEY'RE LIKE MM I LIKE THRIFTY BITZ"
"I'd rather be a whore than die."
"....MASTURBATION...."
"Ewww."
"I'm surprised that didn't come out of your ass."
"Maya, I am as single as they come. I am ALWAYS on the menu."
"Go read your dick book."
"You know what happens in Ireland. You go as two, you come back as three."
"My Jesus is better than your Jesus."
"Yo, when I had a pixie cut, I literally looked like I was gonna steal some guy's shoes."
"Dye is for eggs, not people."
"Real platforms have curves."
"When I say Mother you say Theresa. Mother!"
"Theresa!"
"Dean, you can't just monopolize AIDS!"
"Yes, I can, I'm gay!"
"Yeah? Well, I'm African!"
"Good for you, Maya. It takes balls to be hated that much."
"Baby steps but NO BABIES!!!"
"What kind of a name is Allcock? That's like saying my last name is Allpussy!"
"They hate us cuz they ain't us."
"They hate us cuz they butthole?"
"In a world filled with darkness, disco is the light."
"Sozanski, what is the number one difference between you and successful people? Your hair."
"Listen, Sozanski, your hair has to GLISTEN! Everyone knows redheads have more fun."
"Stupid ass gurl, if I wanted some milk I woulda gone to the kitchen!"
"I love you with my entire soup."
"Duck is literally just dirty chicken."
"I don't think they actually thought I was dead..."
"Yeah Anny, get with the lesbian fucking times."
"Look at the people, they hide in plane sight, u gotta find the overalls through the over-somes."
"Wow I wish people cheered for me just for existing."
"Sozanski, you're not a squirrel!!"
"I can find my own porn!"
"Anny, I'm warning you right now, if I hear your voice one more time, I'm kicking you out of this dorm and my life."
"Bite me."
"Nah, you probs taste like tree bark."
"You can't half ass that, you gotta full ass that."
"I know, but who the fuck cares what I think? I always think I'm the shit."
"Everybody's got a dick...in here."
*points to heart*
"There needs to be more jiggle."
"Change my watuh muthafucka."
"MY UTERUS IS BEING A DICK."
"Don't like grope the heart."
"She looks like the green goblin."
"Except she's black."
"I talk a lot but I don't really like to."
"Go back to white man land. Jesus."
"When I lived there, I lived there a lot."
"Pocketful of pocketful of pocketful of lint."
"Here I am, a common European stew with extra potato."
"I'm a hater because I'm cranky and old."
"I sound ignorant."
"You are ignorant."
"Because Conor's a dramatic bitch, that's why."
"I just don't want deer to jump out, it's just like stay the fuck home."
"Conclusion: peanuts are just edible kangaroos."
"She's from Ohio!! That's not even south!!!"
"I kinda wanna be a rock. But like a pretty one."
"We're gonna be run over by muskrats ugh."
"That's a big ass valley."
"Seriously, what is this UFO business? We're in the middle of Ohio like what are you doing here?"
"If it's not cute, it doesn't matter."
"YEAH YOU DRINK THAT ORANGE JUICE... FUCKING SLUT!"
"Why would you ever wanna live somewhere that rhymes with loin?"
"Because it's a meme! Memes are forever."
"Who drinks vodka casually???"
"I don't have back sweat!"
"Did you know there's ice cream for dogs?"
"Yeah, it's called your ass."
"I'M TELLING YOU--WU WEI IS THE WAY TO GO!"
"I cleaned my earhole out."
"My favorite part of the day is when Papi gives up."
"MAYA NO! No passive aggressive life hating!"
"Then you've gotta be the best poop you can be."
"That's why we need Drake, to split up Kansas."
"Just because you have an earring and a girlfriend doesn't make you the alpha."
"He looks like the messed up face of John Travolta."
"The Godfather took place in where?"
"In the DR."
"You haven't even seen that movie."
"Maya, there's no yinyang in this bullshit."
"After you live in a castle, everything else is just mildly disappointing."
"THE MOON IS A LIE!"
"Everyday is leg day in the castle."
"Hey, guys, look! It's a rare specimen. Here we have a special snowflake. Hey, hey you, would you like some attention?"
"That bull's just like pissed off at a ROCK."
"Farts are the ghosts of meals past."
"Good luck with your butthole!"
"Waaaagaaaaa mama. Wagamama!!!"
"If you have at least one leg, you are a cat."
"We came, we saw, we puffined."
"Puffins are literally fruit-beaked penguins. They're so cute!"
"They're all extinct."
"Time to dangle our rectums, guys!"
"GET GLUC-ED!"
"Look, Irish cracker eats Irish cracker."
"Look, it's a Gubbeen. Theeeeeenks!"
"Claire, matches are illegal, didn't you know that?"
"Yeah, well, so are you, Maya, but you're still here."
"Everybody knows Hitler loved apples!!"
"I'm not a landfish, guys."
"Nuuuu Michelleee!"
"Don't put my blood on your pasta."
"I hope you're mildly inconvenienced for the rest of your life."
"You're a dumbledweeb."
"Do you want a little applesauce conscience on your shoulder?"
"I will crack your ribs until you die."
"I'm gonna do this til you hurt."
"Believe it or not, I don't need any fox dick."
"Is that Zootopia porn version?"
"Cups are for weenies."
"MY ROOM IS GONNA BE NEXT TO A FIELD OF PONIES!!!"
"What's a mandril?"
"It's a lowkey mammoth."
"I am absolutely fifty shades of not okay."
"What they don't tell you is that Spiderman probably has cancer."
"Glitter is the herpes of the craft world."
"That's one of the few things I'm quite sure about. Your arm will not turn into a dolphin."
"I feel like a coupon book."
"Passing tacks sounds like one of the least fun things you could possibly do."
"I AM THE ULTIMATE CHICKEN NUGGET!"
"Do all mammals give live birth?"
"No, all mammals as opposed to platapu."
"Platapu???"
"The rooster doesn't just like hump the egg."
"No! The rooster doesn't 'do' the egg!"
"So you don't get to pick who your baby daddy is?"
"What if flamingos could drive?"
"Alright I'm gonna do the twist-twist now."
"That sounds like some sort of martial art."
"My name is Caellum Kerr, therefore, asshole."
"So like... No homo man but like... Can I kiss you?"
"You're not just Maya, you're FUCKING Maya!"
"Oh look! Those look like dirty clouds!"
"Meningitis? Why can't it be Womanengitis?"
"Caellum's a salty mama."
"Hockey games are where grown men fight each other."
"Wait, old men find each other??"
"I'M SORRY YOU DONT HAVE A PENIS!"
"Literally, life decisions not on fleek."
"Don't let the turkeys getcha down."
"BUT IT'S SO SCARY AND I HAVE A KNOT THE SIZE OF ECUADOR ON MY SHOULDER."
"We get attached to the weirdest things, Maya: marshmallow robots and founding fathers."
"Why did I read 'campus' as 'cramps'?"
"Well, they're basically the same thing."
"Here, let me pull myself up on iTunes real quick."
"Wait they're all naked?! That's super funny!!!"
"What kind of a name is Gretchen Weiners?"
"WHY THE FUCK DO WOMEN ENDURE ALL THE BULLSHIT IN THIS WORLD?!"
"I will be quiet like a little mole."
"Well if you have a fat wrist then congratu-fucking-lations!"
*white girl voice*
"No friends, same problems. #relatable"
"Welcome to the Portsmouth Abigail, where nothing works and you want to die most of the time."
"It might be my ego and giant superiority complex, but I feel like we're doing a lot better than your other section... Plus Matias is in that section."
*tiny children walk by*
"Oh look, it's your brethren."
"Maya's a Mexican supremacist now. It's like the real south will rise again."
"Biblical sexual is my personal favorite."
"Hannah I'm gonna cry."
"Don't cry, you don't have time."
"STOP THROWING THINGS AT ME."
"I thought it would be a good idea to put my head down for a while and then the entire continent of Asia started playing the piano."
"Who run the world? David."
"Yeah, sure, could I just have a slice of the pink girly gay pirate one?"
*raises hand*
"I can't catch things. There's a reason I do drama..."
"You look like a fish."
"I'm just gonna pretend like my whole life is very together."
"Did you salt your cucumber?"
"...But here's my number, so Call Me--"
"Never."
"...as he tried to throw mayonnaise on my body..."
"Juneau, Alaska, Juneau Alaska, Juneau Alaska, Juneau Alaska, Juneau Alaska, Juneau Alaska, Juneau, Alaska, Juneau, Alaska, Juneau, Alaska, Juneau, Alaska."
"Keep the collar up and the haters out."
"She sounds like a man when she coughs."
"Yo pretend my hand is a cookie."
"Javier is very literal, his world is black and white."
"No, it's not. It's full of colors!"
"He's always so lonely when he poops."
"MY THRIFTY BITZ BRINGS ALL THE KITTIES TO THE YARD AND THEY'RE LIKE MM I LIKE THRIFTY BITZ"
"I'd rather be a whore than die."
"....MASTURBATION...."
"Ewww."
"I'm surprised that didn't come out of your ass."
"Maya, I am as single as they come. I am ALWAYS on the menu."
"Go read your dick book."
"You know what happens in Ireland. You go as two, you come back as three."
"My Jesus is better than your Jesus."
"Yo, when I had a pixie cut, I literally looked like I was gonna steal some guy's shoes."
"Dye is for eggs, not people."
"Real platforms have curves."
"When I say Mother you say Theresa. Mother!"
"Theresa!"
"Dean, you can't just monopolize AIDS!"
"Yes, I can, I'm gay!"
"Yeah? Well, I'm African!"
"The struggles of having a big butt: you knock down dinosaurs."
"Can we listen to music?"
"When I speak, it's kinda like music."
"I love to eat dead babies."
"If I ended up writing a script about Spongebob, it would end up being torture porn."
"And then Maggie kicked her in the vagina."
"Do you think I'm a good dancer?"
"Well, you're Spanish and stuff..."
"Wait, THE CAT HAD AIDS?!"
"Did you know that there's an illness that makes you see sound?"
"Yeah, it's called acid."
"I'm not Obama, okay?!"
"We're done looking at women!"
"Kill your inner child!"
"Make it funny!"
"Yo, he's talking to the people having sex on the mat."
"I am Jesus."
"Maya, just TAKE THE CAKE!"
"...and everyone's BITCHING at the pub..."
"And sometimes your Mountain Dew just Mountain Don't."
"So what are we doing today?"
"Uh...well I'm currently inside Alex Barlow so..."
"No, this is like my crack."
"Hey Fonts? Mount and Dew me."
"I don't think I've ever given this note before, but swing your noodle in the fog."
"All day Avery Dey!"
"Urgh the bread just grazed my face."
"And that one... Well that one I guess would be the crotch."
"I'm a little tea pot short and stout, google that shit and call me out."
"I'm having iced-milk."
"Yan Diego, your sausage is falling off the bed!"
"Wait, Steve Jobs died?"
"Ohmygod where have you been?"
"But isn't he rich?"
"Oh, yeah, I forgot rich people don't die."
"Really?!"
"No, Javier, he died."
"Wait, but he's still rich?"
"Aww, look at all those horses!"
"Those are llamas."
"What's the difference between gelato and pistachio?"
"At my school they call it the train and the train hole."
"Now softly caress, now slowly undress--"
"Now clean up your mess."
"Why you gotta make it weird, Dad?"
"No! Don't hug me, I'm still sad!"
"If I were the creator of Apple and I died, I'd just shut it all down so no one could have anything else. If I can't have it, no one else can."
"Don't touch my nose! I have sharp boogers and they hurt!"
"I need to crap so hard !" *cries*
"Mami, can I ask you something? What's the meaning of life? And also, why did the chicken cross the road?"
"I'm a monastery! I don't even know what that means."
"Wanna use old hand sanitizer?"
"What if I use pants that are against their religion?"
"Imagine if this was vegan water!"
"I need to take a shih tzu."
"See? Liv enjoyed the joke!"
"That's because she's on drugs."
"Look! The bees are hibernating!"
"Javier, bees don't hibernate..."
"Oh."
"Suki looks so fat now."
"She's like a mini you!"
"Yeah, they just shrivel up and die. It's beautiful."
"You recorded me snoring? You're officially disowned."
"Maya don't get addicted to advil, if you're going to get addicted to a drug, do a weird one."
"Whoa, that's a lotta llamas."
"Javier, those are sheep."
"What's a sheep?"
"He's such a wet noodle."
"I get sweat mustaches on my eyebrows after P.E."
"Alpacas, llamas, sheep, same thing."
"Sibling compliments aren't compliments unless there are insults involved."
"Being at boarding school is like being pregnant. You're busy for nine months and you get weird cravings and you're always tired and you get mood swings and everything bugs the shit out of you."
"Max is so salty, her tears are all dried up."
"I don't have feelings, I have attitudes."
"But is he really gay? Or is he just southern?"
"Everyone should drop dead."
"YOU should drop dead...but gently."
"Fuck you. Fuck your whole family. For twelve centuries."
"How different would you say are the DNA of a dolphin and like...Jay?"
"Ugly people shouldn't have good names."
"You are not a priest. You cannot put things into my mouth."
"You're like a Canadian goose!"
"All hardcore people have plants."
"Marriage is a good end point, especially when they own a palace."
"So when someone says 'sick bro', they do not mean they are necessarily diseased. In fact they mean that the person is quite awesome."
"Maya, don't take my puns for granite. I'm getting real sedimental."
"He's not God, but like almost."
"That's not dancing, that's having a seizure."
"There is no life, there is only death."
"To be stoned or not to be stoned?"
"I am the asparagi!"
"I feel like you can't say all those things without blushing or going to Hell."
"You guys ready for this? ...Tigger El Dorado."
"Ugly people should just go home."
"Can we have chicken alpaca for dinner?"
"Eww now it's a chap ball."
"Oh my god... WE'RE FRUITS😭"
"I'm a whore and I like books!"
"Don't piss on your work!"
"Let's go back to mating you."
"I need you guys to give me more head!"
"Way way way back when, a cell found this mitochondria and just decided to hang out and was like 'cool, this is chill'."
"I was gonna say... Most of us look like Pater Noster."
"Please have a bad day everyday--that was great!"
"Wait so are you guys gonna sing the Pasta Noster now?"
"I love Canadians!"
"I must die mainly in Canada."
"Paint me like one of your French girls!"
"Well Kevin's drunk."
"Not having a soul is good."
"Voice of an angel, body of a beanstalk."
"No! You're not part of the banter!"
"...so because I'm one morbid motherfucker..."
"But like what if I text him with a British accent?"
"I like to touch my face when I'm in class."
"Okay so I was standing on the couch in the computer room like... Hitting a pumpkin... Because I have a lot of feelings."
"I JUST HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS I PROMISE I'M NEVER LIKE THIS."
"I just feel very noodle-y!"
"I hate talking about breathing because it makes me want to breathe and I hate that."
"Alcohol does not solve any problems, but neither does milk."
"You know Maya? Money can't buy you happiness, but somehow crying in a Mercedes Benz sounds better than crying on the street."
"Thanks five!"
"Who's Clive?"
"That sounds like 'oh yeah, I'm studying fuckin' Aristotle and Vaginies'!"
*drops toothbrush in the sink*
"NOOOOOOOO😭😭😭"
"If I ended up writing a script about Spongebob, it would end up being torture porn."
"And then Maggie kicked her in the vagina."
"Do you think I'm a good dancer?"
"Well, you're Spanish and stuff..."
"Wait, THE CAT HAD AIDS?!"
"Did you know that there's an illness that makes you see sound?"
"Yeah, it's called acid."
"I'm not Obama, okay?!"
"We're done looking at women!"
"Kill your inner child!"
"Make it funny!"
"Yo, he's talking to the people having sex on the mat."
"I am Jesus."
"Maya, just TAKE THE CAKE!"
"...and everyone's BITCHING at the pub..."
"And sometimes your Mountain Dew just Mountain Don't."
"So what are we doing today?"
"Uh...well I'm currently inside Alex Barlow so..."
"No, this is like my crack."
"Hey Fonts? Mount and Dew me."
"I don't think I've ever given this note before, but swing your noodle in the fog."
"All day Avery Dey!"
"Urgh the bread just grazed my face."
"And that one... Well that one I guess would be the crotch."
"I'm a little tea pot short and stout, google that shit and call me out."
"I'm having iced-milk."
"Yan Diego, your sausage is falling off the bed!"
"Wait, Steve Jobs died?"
"Ohmygod where have you been?"
"But isn't he rich?"
"Oh, yeah, I forgot rich people don't die."
"Really?!"
"No, Javier, he died."
"Wait, but he's still rich?"
"Aww, look at all those horses!"
"Those are llamas."
"What's the difference between gelato and pistachio?"
"At my school they call it the train and the train hole."
"Now softly caress, now slowly undress--"
"Now clean up your mess."
"Why you gotta make it weird, Dad?"
"No! Don't hug me, I'm still sad!"
"If I were the creator of Apple and I died, I'd just shut it all down so no one could have anything else. If I can't have it, no one else can."
"Don't touch my nose! I have sharp boogers and they hurt!"
"I need to crap so hard !" *cries*
"Mami, can I ask you something? What's the meaning of life? And also, why did the chicken cross the road?"
"I'm a monastery! I don't even know what that means."
"Wanna use old hand sanitizer?"
"What if I use pants that are against their religion?"
"Imagine if this was vegan water!"
"I need to take a shih tzu."
"See? Liv enjoyed the joke!"
"That's because she's on drugs."
"Look! The bees are hibernating!"
"Javier, bees don't hibernate..."
"Oh."
"Suki looks so fat now."
"She's like a mini you!"
"Yeah, they just shrivel up and die. It's beautiful."
"You recorded me snoring? You're officially disowned."
"Maya don't get addicted to advil, if you're going to get addicted to a drug, do a weird one."
"Whoa, that's a lotta llamas."
"Javier, those are sheep."
"What's a sheep?"
"He's such a wet noodle."
"I get sweat mustaches on my eyebrows after P.E."
"Alpacas, llamas, sheep, same thing."
"Sibling compliments aren't compliments unless there are insults involved."
"Being at boarding school is like being pregnant. You're busy for nine months and you get weird cravings and you're always tired and you get mood swings and everything bugs the shit out of you."
"Max is so salty, her tears are all dried up."
"I don't have feelings, I have attitudes."
"But is he really gay? Or is he just southern?"
"Everyone should drop dead."
"YOU should drop dead...but gently."
"Fuck you. Fuck your whole family. For twelve centuries."
"How different would you say are the DNA of a dolphin and like...Jay?"
"Ugly people shouldn't have good names."
"You are not a priest. You cannot put things into my mouth."
"You're like a Canadian goose!"
"All hardcore people have plants."
"Marriage is a good end point, especially when they own a palace."
"So when someone says 'sick bro', they do not mean they are necessarily diseased. In fact they mean that the person is quite awesome."
"Maya, don't take my puns for granite. I'm getting real sedimental."
"He's not God, but like almost."
"That's not dancing, that's having a seizure."
"There is no life, there is only death."
"To be stoned or not to be stoned?"
"I am the asparagi!"
"I feel like you can't say all those things without blushing or going to Hell."
"You guys ready for this? ...Tigger El Dorado."
"Ugly people should just go home."
"Can we have chicken alpaca for dinner?"
"Eww now it's a chap ball."
"Oh my god... WE'RE FRUITS😭"
"I'm a whore and I like books!"
"Don't piss on your work!"
"Let's go back to mating you."
"I need you guys to give me more head!"
"Way way way back when, a cell found this mitochondria and just decided to hang out and was like 'cool, this is chill'."
"I was gonna say... Most of us look like Pater Noster."
"Please have a bad day everyday--that was great!"
"Wait so are you guys gonna sing the Pasta Noster now?"
"I love Canadians!"
"I must die mainly in Canada."
"Paint me like one of your French girls!"
"Well Kevin's drunk."
"Not having a soul is good."
"Voice of an angel, body of a beanstalk."
"No! You're not part of the banter!"
"...so because I'm one morbid motherfucker..."
"But like what if I text him with a British accent?"
"I like to touch my face when I'm in class."
"Okay so I was standing on the couch in the computer room like... Hitting a pumpkin... Because I have a lot of feelings."
"I JUST HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS I PROMISE I'M NEVER LIKE THIS."
"I just feel very noodle-y!"
"I hate talking about breathing because it makes me want to breathe and I hate that."
"Alcohol does not solve any problems, but neither does milk."
"You know Maya? Money can't buy you happiness, but somehow crying in a Mercedes Benz sounds better than crying on the street."
"Thanks five!"
"Who's Clive?"
"That sounds like 'oh yeah, I'm studying fuckin' Aristotle and Vaginies'!"
*drops toothbrush in the sink*
"NOOOOOOOO😭😭😭"
*cries*"What on earth what's wrong, Hannah?"
"I'M GONNA GET EBOLA NOW😭"
"Dang it, my butt is covered in salt!"
"Excuse me while I part the sea."
"BUT NO because they're not supposed to be sweet, they're VEGETABLES! And then it's just like WHAT AM I EATING?!"
"Maya, life is arbitrary. Worst comes to worst, just become a prostitute."
"Prostitution will always be there for you."
"FUCK MY ASS. FUCK THIS ASS."
"I can't do this. I'm looking at cakes in a restaurant from the Baltimore airport. I'm not gonna get a cake from the Baltimore airport because they are very large and I don't need to consume that many calories... I don't think... No... I'm not diabetic."
"My heart hurts. I'm so done."
"That's so sad."
"It's kay, this is normal."
"You're irrelephant."
"I feel like 'you're so cute' has become code for 'you're insane'"
"YOU'RE like a pilot... Of a submarine... that DOESN'T WORK!"
"Oh, I thought you were a man."
"D to the E to the L to the uh... I don't know how to spell delicious..."
"So do you have your license now?"
"Nah, I'll get it in the spring, I'm too tired."
"Speaking of cleaning our skulls, we need to buy more Q-tips."
*points at a broken lamp*
"Oh look that's me some days."
"Hi I'm Taj and this is Ma Hal."
"She's breathing in my eyeball."
"Ahh, I love it when mothers do that."
"You just gotta flick your inner thighs; it'll wake you up a bit."
"Speaking of death, how does sleep sound to you?"
"I was like 'Do I look like I have AIDS?' And they were like 'Yes'."
"Maya, come here or Imma spill lemon juice on you."
"My friend's mother-in-law once knew a guy named Sandy Wieners."
"That's so unfortunate."
"What's Magooch?"
"You're like Bigfoot but small."
"Yan Diego, stop looking at things with your hands."
"I'm giving you makeup cuz you need it."
"I'm talking to this girl whose name is like a tree."
"Wait what was it again?"
"I dunno Bamboo or somethin."
"I blew my nose and margarita came out."
"First I went for your penis, then for your neck."
"What? That's not even a good name! Why didn't you say Jim or something?"
"See I wish I were a senior right now. Actually, just kidding I don't have my life together enough yet."
"Writing section was just an excuse to verbally assault Dom."
"Bread is like pizza that's lost all aspirations in life."
"No, bitch, I sat here before you! I don't care if you're handicapped!"
"How do you feel about buying me a $125,000 pony?"
"So what? I WANT THE BREAKFAST SANDWICH!"
"What do you call a cold puppy sitting on a rabbit?"
"I wanna say hash browns...?"
"Wait but LOOK AT MY CORE oh nope just kidding I fell."
"Do I need to give Conor Smith worksquad for missing your recital?"
"I've made it my mission to coax the Outies out of the closet."
"Do they even celebrate prom in Alaska?"
"...I forgot how to eat a cupcake."
"Hang on, I've got a Eucharist stuck in my throat."
"My phone connection has to stop sucking dick."
"BUT WHERE IS ITS PENIS I DON'T UNDERSTAND😭?!"
"Do chickens even have sex?"
"Fucking number two! That little girl... I was like I will break you with my pinky!"
"Don't be Nemo. I'll kick Nemo's ass."
"Get your quesadilla ass outta here."
"WHY'D YOU KILL ME?!"
"So I could take your money."
"Ew, Javier put your toe back in your sock!"
"Did u throw your phone into the Atlantic fucking ocean and then dog paddle to retrieve it?"
"You have a really saggy neck."
"Snoopy's such a baller."
"Plus my fiancé is a jew. So that's fun."
"Where have you been? I run my own brothel."
"I thought you said 'Is Papa Gino's Chilean?'"
"Alright, you know the hunting sign with the deer and the antlers and stuff? For the longest fucking time I had no idea what it was. I thought it was a dancing man and I'd just be like man, why there so many fucking dancing men everywhere?"
"Claire's a pimp."
"How's the cake, you BITCH?!"
"Our nation may be dying but we're still racist as FUCK!"
"I feel very okay with using all of you for your bodies."
"Shut up I'm not Mongolian! I'm Filipino!"
"He has a WOMBBBB!!!!"
"Shut up, child, I birthed you."
"In the blood tests they always say everything's fine but then I'm like 'okay, bitch, obviously everything is not fine!'"
"Ooo look at me I'm Maya and I'm edgy cuz I dye my hair and rip my tights."
"Max, which is your least favorite limb?"
"I'M GONNA GET EBOLA NOW😭"
"Dang it, my butt is covered in salt!"
"Excuse me while I part the sea."
"BUT NO because they're not supposed to be sweet, they're VEGETABLES! And then it's just like WHAT AM I EATING?!"
"Maya, life is arbitrary. Worst comes to worst, just become a prostitute."
"Prostitution will always be there for you."
"FUCK MY ASS. FUCK THIS ASS."
"I can't do this. I'm looking at cakes in a restaurant from the Baltimore airport. I'm not gonna get a cake from the Baltimore airport because they are very large and I don't need to consume that many calories... I don't think... No... I'm not diabetic."
"My heart hurts. I'm so done."
"That's so sad."
"It's kay, this is normal."
"You're irrelephant."
"I feel like 'you're so cute' has become code for 'you're insane'"
"YOU'RE like a pilot... Of a submarine... that DOESN'T WORK!"
"Oh, I thought you were a man."
"D to the E to the L to the uh... I don't know how to spell delicious..."
"So do you have your license now?"
"Nah, I'll get it in the spring, I'm too tired."
"Speaking of cleaning our skulls, we need to buy more Q-tips."
*points at a broken lamp*
"Oh look that's me some days."
"Hi I'm Taj and this is Ma Hal."
"She's breathing in my eyeball."
"Ahh, I love it when mothers do that."
"You just gotta flick your inner thighs; it'll wake you up a bit."
"Speaking of death, how does sleep sound to you?"
"I was like 'Do I look like I have AIDS?' And they were like 'Yes'."
"Maya, come here or Imma spill lemon juice on you."
"My friend's mother-in-law once knew a guy named Sandy Wieners."
"That's so unfortunate."
"What's Magooch?"
"You're like Bigfoot but small."
"Yan Diego, stop looking at things with your hands."
"I'm giving you makeup cuz you need it."
"I'm talking to this girl whose name is like a tree."
"Wait what was it again?"
"I dunno Bamboo or somethin."
"I blew my nose and margarita came out."
"First I went for your penis, then for your neck."
"What? That's not even a good name! Why didn't you say Jim or something?"
"See I wish I were a senior right now. Actually, just kidding I don't have my life together enough yet."
"Writing section was just an excuse to verbally assault Dom."
"Bread is like pizza that's lost all aspirations in life."
"No, bitch, I sat here before you! I don't care if you're handicapped!"
"How do you feel about buying me a $125,000 pony?"
"So what? I WANT THE BREAKFAST SANDWICH!"
"What do you call a cold puppy sitting on a rabbit?"
"I wanna say hash browns...?"
"Wait but LOOK AT MY CORE oh nope just kidding I fell."
"Do I need to give Conor Smith worksquad for missing your recital?"
"I've made it my mission to coax the Outies out of the closet."
"Do they even celebrate prom in Alaska?"
"...I forgot how to eat a cupcake."
"Hang on, I've got a Eucharist stuck in my throat."
"My phone connection has to stop sucking dick."
"BUT WHERE IS ITS PENIS I DON'T UNDERSTAND😭?!"
"Do chickens even have sex?"
"Fucking number two! That little girl... I was like I will break you with my pinky!"
"Don't be Nemo. I'll kick Nemo's ass."
"Get your quesadilla ass outta here."
"WHY'D YOU KILL ME?!"
"So I could take your money."
"Ew, Javier put your toe back in your sock!"
"Did u throw your phone into the Atlantic fucking ocean and then dog paddle to retrieve it?"
"You have a really saggy neck."
"Snoopy's such a baller."
"Plus my fiancé is a jew. So that's fun."
"Where have you been? I run my own brothel."
"I thought you said 'Is Papa Gino's Chilean?'"
"Alright, you know the hunting sign with the deer and the antlers and stuff? For the longest fucking time I had no idea what it was. I thought it was a dancing man and I'd just be like man, why there so many fucking dancing men everywhere?"
"Claire's a pimp."
"How's the cake, you BITCH?!"
"Our nation may be dying but we're still racist as FUCK!"
"I feel very okay with using all of you for your bodies."
"Shut up I'm not Mongolian! I'm Filipino!"
"He has a WOMBBBB!!!!"
"Shut up, child, I birthed you."
"In the blood tests they always say everything's fine but then I'm like 'okay, bitch, obviously everything is not fine!'"
"Ooo look at me I'm Maya and I'm edgy cuz I dye my hair and rip my tights."
"Max, which is your least favorite limb?"
..........
I honestly have no idea how I got here. I have weird friends/family. Don't judge.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed!
Hasta la próxima,
Much love xoxo
Maya
P.S: It was Papa Kerr's bday today and he is my favorite human ever so he deserves a shoutout. I LOVE YOU!
