On Giving Up

The problem isn't that I can't care for myself,

The problem is I don't want to anymore.

Sure, there are the good days where everything falls perfectly into place, but then there are the wretched days where falling off a tightrope sounds better.

It is just too hard to care anymore, Mami.

You say to dance my way through it. Sing. Laugh about it.

Twirl till the pain subsides.

I remember the way your eyes glazed over when I told you I wanted to kill myself.

Mami, I'm sorry I made you sad. I never wanted to make you sad.

I just wanted so badly to make the hurt go away so I could stop being sad so you could be happy.

But at some point in our lives, we realize that making other people happy,

Is really fucking hard.

So I've stopped trying, Mami.

I'm too tired. I just want to go to sleep.

I can't remember the last time I closed my eyes and didn't think twice about waking up the next morning.

Lately, I keep wishing my heart stops in my sleep. See, I don't want to keep waking up. I don't want to keep coming back to this.

I want the voices to go away.

There are only so many times I can play my favorite song before it, too, blends into the splatter-painted background of white noise.

I keep finding bruises all over my body but I can never remember where they came from and you know what's funny? I don't really care, either.

Sure, my leg's gone black and blue; sure, my elbows are varying colors of yellow and green but my body will rot anyway, right?

What difference does it make if it happens sooner than later?

You tell me to keep reaching for the stars but Mami, have you ever noticed how fucking far away we are from the sun?

Isn't it easier to just stay in the dark? 

A Girl Fallen Madly in Love

Everyone told us
it wouldn't last,
but now I'm just glad
I stayed.

..........

Have you ever wondered
how satisfying it is to
pluck a petal from a tulip?
In all my years, nothing
comes quite as close as
nipping a lover on the lip.

..........

If you had asked me
who, and where, and why?
I would have told you
frankly, my dear,
the question is
why not?

..........

The pitter-patter of the rain
left few things to the imagination.
Hand in hand, we ran away,
identical blushes on our cheeks.
We could not tell anyone.
But we didn't mind.

..........

Cheeks flushed and eyes entranced,
we heaved our breaths of air
in and out
until the firecracker choir
settled down, and once again,
the only sound was the
pound of your heart.
And what lovely a sound it is.

..........

Tender is the heart
that strays from loving
for fear of not loving
back.
Thank God that was
not the case.

..........

I did say go slow.
I love you.
And you did.
And that was enough.

..........