On the Eve of my 25th Birthday

 Soooooo... Let's pretend like it hasn't been almost three years since my last post O.O

It's about twenty minutes to midnight and approximately ten years since I started this blog. Yowza. Has it really been that long? Somehow it feels like I've lived hundreds of thousands of lifetimes since then. I worry that my writing will be bad. I worry that no one will be able to tell the difference between my fourteen-year-old self and my twenty-four-year-old self. Does it matter?

Blegh, writing feels so awkward. I haven't done this for myself in, well, three years ish? But tomorrow is my twenty-fifth birthday (allegedly when my frontal lobe is due to be fully formed, but I'll let you know...) and I felt like I owed it to myself.

I'm writing this from under an electric blanket in the heart of Athens, Greece—where I've been living for the past two years with the absolute love of my life, Zoë. I used to feel so unlucky in love but the past four years with her have been otherworldly. I am so lucky. 

Seeing as I'm a wee rusty on the writing front and I also wanna go to bed at a decent time (since I'm an adult or whatever now :P) I'm not going to try to recap the last however long it's been in this post. Gonna try to keep it concise-ish.

My thoughts on very few of the things I've learned before I hit 25:

• parents can love you infinitely and still find a million and one ways to disappoint you
• things typically don't turn out the way you plan them, but the result tends to be a hoot to yap about
• making time for the things that bring you joy is BEYOND IMPORTANT
• everyone feels like a failure at some point. no two success stories look the same.
• the world is almost certainly on the brink of ending every other day but you'll still find people and places and things to love

My wish for myself is to continue to allow myself space to grow—that it's okay and, in fact, expected that I won't have it all figured out yet. If a younger version of myself somehow traveled to the future and saw this, no you didn't.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Insomnia Never Gets Old

 Been a while since I took to the blog to attempt to hack my insomnia. 

Honestly, it feels like I'm fourteen again, dreading nighttime because even though I may have been a bear in another life, I can't get my stupid human body to cooperate and go the fuck to sleep. I used to take melatonin for it but it always left me feeling groggy in the morning. Then years passed and one psychiatrist or another prescribed Trazodone, which I can only describe as horse tranquilizer. It knocked me out for a full twenty-four hours so I opted not to continue it. Thanks a lot for wasting an entire day of my life -_-

I stayed at my dad's last night 'cuz yesterday was his 57th birthday and Yan Diego and I wanted to celebrate it by going out to dinner, just the three of us. It was really nice. The bro and I split a chicken Milanese salad while my dad ordered a spinach-mushroom type risotto (which I obviously stole some bites of because DUH). After dinner, we all ventured off to buy beer except I forgot about the laws on selling alcohol after 8pm in most places, so a gas station selection would have to do. Papi and YD both chose their faves while I hung back; wasn't much feeling the need for alc. Then the sweetest man running the counter rang us up and handed me two lollipops (presumably because he thought I was underage and was feeling left out by not getting my own drinks). Now, I'm fully twenty-two years old and 10000000% could've legally bought my own if I wanted, but I'll take free lollipops any day.

We ended up taking the long way home (with my idiot brother pausing to pee behind a bush). Once we got back, I greeted Scout and Phoenix with high-pitched affection and sat down so we could begin watching The Batman (Edward Cullen version). The movie was A THOUSAND YEARS LONG but very worth it. Of course, it didn't help that I kept having to pause every thirty minutes so I could recap what was going on... At one point I even got Yan Diego to make me an entire bowl of mac 'n cheese while recapping. Overall, I thought it was genius, brilliantly written, designed, edited, acted, etc. It did give me wicked anxiety though because the villains felt all too realistic and the misogyny some of the characters faced felt a wee bit too relatable eeek

Then Papi went to bed and I spent the next hour forcing Yan Diego to watch trash Riverdale compilations on Youtube. His old ass called it around 3am ('cuz he's a working man and all) and so we went back upstairs to the room we share. He and I haven't shared a room since I was seven and he was ten. Now we're twenty-two and twenty-five, him having taken over my mattress while I'm at college, and me occupying the couch sectional in the corner. And I know it's not like we actually share a room anymore (I'm never usually home), but something about it felt safe and familiar and old. We spent our early childhoods in Queens, NY; what feels like lifetimes later, we're in Po-town, NY. Still sharing a room. It made me long for my childhood like an absolute blubbering sap. Because here I am, twenty-two and a junior in college, feeling as tired and aged as my eighty-somethin'-year-old grandparents. 

I miss writing for fun. To feel things. To make others feel. I miss reading for pleasure. And waking up refreshed without an alarm. I miss spending all day off my phone (because I didn't have one), not a care in the world. I don't want to pay bills. I don't want to file taxes. I don't want to have to remember meetings and rehearsals and appointments. I want to wake up whenever I feel, eat sugary cereal and watch Cyber Chase. Or sit sprawled across the floor with coloring utensils. Or balled up in a hammock reading the very first Harry Potter book. I miss chocolate milk mornings and Beatles for bedtime. I miss giggling in the backseat and having no knowledge of car accidents. I miss easy homework and imagination for days. I miss my little self. I know people are always saying there's no use fixating on the past but I didn't know how quickly mine would be ripped away from me. So I'm allowed to long.

I'd forgotten what writing on here felt like. Like never-ending flutters on a keyboard, letting my thoughts dictate whatever they fancied. I'd forgotten how... freeing? it feels to ramble uninterrupted, uncensored, and with no agenda. I don't even get to do that in therapy!

I'm still feeling nostalgic and I doubt I'll make it to bed at an appropriate time but here's to trying.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

I'm Feeling Old Now

Will this be my only post this year? Let's hope not.

..........

1. What did you do in 2021 that you'd never done before?

Got my first tattoo!!! And second. And third. Got my first covid vaccine!!! And second. And third. Ordered my first legal drink. Got shwasted. Drank in front of my grandparents at my cousin's wedding. Dated a woman (whom I am still head over heels for!) Did the lesbian deed with said woman lmao. Did my first ever wine tasting *heart eyes* Said wine tasting occurred with said woman in EUROPE so, basically my life is better than yours.

2. Did you keep your New Years Resolutions and will you make more for next year?

During a parmesan panorama punani pandemmy? Resolutions? More like I've been trying to stay alive, thanks.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My cousin Chloe had a baby girl born on my same exact birthday! Baby Lily is now my birthday twin, only twenty-one years younger :)

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Riccardo. It was too soon, my dear friend.

5. What countries did you visit?

I actually have fun answers this time! And you wouldn't think it 'cuz corona but still! I, of course, spent an annoying amount of time in the US and sadly didn't get to visit DR. However, I did get to visit the love of my life in SWITZERLAND of all places??? And then we took a quick little weekend trip to France, like...  my life cannot get more romantic or romanticized than that.

6. What would you like to have in 2022 that you lacked in 2021?

Predictability. Stability. A steady income. The usual.

7. What dates from 2021 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

February. First tattoo!
March 6. My 21st Birthday!!! (also hbd Lily)
April 20. No longer a lesbian virgin lol.

July. Memphis!!!

October. Switzerland <3 France <3 Zoë <3

December 2. Death Day Debut ;)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Having the courage, determination, and the nerve to stand up for myself against my school administration when they were being classist, ableist, elitest fucks. And also getting to play a Latina character for the first time in my life—that was truly something.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Whoa there buddy, let's use some less violent language there, shall we? I wish I had noticed my value and worth in friendships and relationships sooner. I wish I had dropped people who did not serve me and realized sooner that they did not deserve me. I wish I had listened to my dear ones' warnings.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Ya girl is literally chronically mentally ill ahaha but other than that, didn't get the 'rona *knock on wood* so that's a win. I only had to put up with the lovely, delightful symptoms of aging, such as horrific tendonitis flare-ups in both my knees, among other less glamorous things.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Plane tickets to see my Zoë <3 Oh and AN iPAD FOR SCHOOL THAT LITERALLY CHANGED MY LIFE (thank you Sabrina)!!!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Not even gonna lie: mine. I did so much work on myself this past year, it's kinda wild and deserves recognition. And sure, I may not be where I want to be yet but I did some badass things that previous me never would have been able to.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?

Many, of course, but I've got someone specific in mind. No matter, she won't be making appearances around here anymore.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Take-out food binges. And plane tickets (dear god they cost as much as a mortgage).

15. What did you get really, really excited about?

My first tattoo! Getting to star in a play that centered young, powerful Latinx voices. Getting to visit my girlfriend in EUROPE?!!! Truly any time I got to see her was a gift.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2021?

Head Over Feet. Jagged Little Pill Cast.

Kiss Me More. Doja Cat ft. SZA

MONTERO. Lil Nas X.

good 4 u. Olivia Rodrigo.

Woman. Doja Cat.

Balancing the Scales. Barlow & Bear.

Heat Waves. Glass Animals.

Best Friend. Saweetie ft. Doja Cat.

Woman. Diana Gordon.

DÁKITI. Bad Bunny ft. Jhay Cortez.

34+35. Ariana Grande.

drivers license. Olivia Rodrigo.

Levitating. Dua Lipa ft. DaBaby.

space girl. Frances Forever.

Promiscuous. Nelly Furtado ft. Timbaland.

abcdefu. GAYLE.

STAY. The Kid LAROI ft. Justin Bieber.

Shivers. Ed Sheeran.
Easy On Me. Adele.

INDUSTRY BABY. Lil Nas X ft. Jack Harlow.

Bad Habits. Ed Sheeran.

Do It To It. ACRAZE ft. Cherish.

All Too Well (Taylor's Version). Taylor Swift.

Happier Than Ever. Billie Eilish.

love nwantiti (ah ah ah). CKay.

Beggin. Måneskin.

Oh My God. Adele.

SAD GIRLZ LUV MONEY Remix. Amaarae ft. Kali Uchis, Moliy

One Right Now. Post Malone ft. The Weeknd.

traitor. Olivia Rodrigo.

Smokin Out The Window. Bruno Mars, Anderson .Paak, Silk Sonic.

Need to Know. Doja Cat.

THATS WHAT I WANT. Lil Nas X.

I AM WOMAN. Emmy Meli.

Ghost. Justin Bieber.

Meet Me At Our Spot. THE ANXIETY, WILLOW, Tyler Cole.

Peaches. Justin Bieber ft. Daniel Caesar, Giveon.

Life Goes On. Oliver Tree.

edamame. bbno$ ft Rich Brian.

GHOST TOWN. Benson Boone.

Don't Go Yet. Camila Cabello.

Save Your Tears. The Weeknd ft. Ariana Grande.

Bored. Billie Eilish.

Build a Bitch. Bella Poarch.

deja vu. Olivia Rodrigo.

Rasputin. Majestic, Boney M.

Astronaut in the Ocean. Masked Wolf.

Heartbreak Anthem. Galantis ft. David Guetta, Little Mix.

I GUESS I'M IN LOVE. Clinton Kane. 

telepatía. Kali Uchis.

Leave The Door Open. Bruno Mars, Anderson .Paak, Silk Sonic.

MAMMAMIA. Måneskin.

In Da Getto. J Balvin ft. Skrillex.

We're Good. Dua Lipa.

Beautiful Mistakes. Maroon 5 ft Megan Thee Stallion.

Prisoner. Miley Cyrus ft. Dua Lipa.

Good Days. SZA.

Dinero. Trinidad Cardona.

Heartbreak Anniversary. Giveon.

Love Again. Dua Lipa.

Dark Red. Steve Lacy.

Butter. BTS.

Blinding Lights. The Weeknd.

Mood. 24kGoldn ft. iann dior.

Watermelon Sugar. Harry Styles.

Up. Cardi B.

positions. Ariana Grande.

Lemonade. Internet Money ft. Gunna, Don Toliver, NAV.

WITHOUT YOU. The Kid LAROI.

Supalonely. BENEE, Gus Dapperton.

Holy. Justin Bieber ft. Chance the Rapper.

A-O-K. Tai Verdes.

pov. Ariana Grande.

Physical. Dua Lipa.

Say So. Doja Cat. 

Thot Shit. Megan Thee Stallion.

Jalebi Baby. Tesher ft. Jason Derulo.

motive. Ariana Grande ft. Doja Cat.

Ain't Shit. Doja Cat.

Buss It. Erica Banks.

Get Into It (Yuh). Doja Cat.

Cry Baby. Megan Thee Stallion ft. DaBaby.

Dick. StarBoi3 ft. Doja Cat.

Into The Thick of It. The Backyardigans.

Iko Iko (My Bestie). Justin Wellington ft. Small Jam.

WHOLE LOTTA MONEY. Bia ft. Nicki Minaj.

Bills, Bills, Bills. Destiny's Child.

Like I Can. Sam Smith.

GUY.exe. Superfruit.

Have Mercy. Chlöe.

Running Away. VANO 3000, BADBADNOTGOOD, Samuel T. Herring.

Bananza (Belly Dancer). Akon.

my ex's best friend. Machine Gun Kelly ft. blackbear.

WAP. Cardi B ft. Megan Thee Stallion.

Circles. Post Malone.

Man's World. MARINA.

Dress. Charlotte Sands.

MANCHILD. Emily Bear.

Candy. Machine Gun Kelly ft. Trippie Redd.

Maneater. Nelly Furtado.

Mind Over Matter. Anthony Ramos.

She. Dodie.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

(a) Moods are in constant fluctuation but overall, I'd say happier.
(b) What on earth is up with these invasive questions? I gained more weight than I ever have in my life and I'm learning to be okay with it.
(c) I'm only a fraction of a fraction richer than I was, monetarily speaking. With everything else though, I'd say exponentially.

18. What do you wish you had done more of?

I wish for every possible moment with Zoë. I wish I had done some more writing, sleeping, dreaming.

19. What do you wish you had done less of?

Giving people who weren't worth it the time of day. And gosh, I need to spend less time on my phone.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With my dad, the kitties, and the bros in our tiny apartment in NY. It was the best one we've had in years.

21. Did you fall in love in 2021?

Oh my, did I... She's everything and more.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Chrisley Knows Best.

One Day At A Time.

New Girl.

Julie & The Phantoms.

Peaky Blinders.
Maid.

Outer Banks.

Next in Fashion.

Sex Education.

Derry Girls.

Dead to Me.

Schitt's Creek.

The Queen's Gambit.

The Great British Baking Show.

23. Do you hate someone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Usually, I'd say hate is a pretty strong word but honestly I'd go so far as to say yeah. This warrants it.

24. What was the best book you read?

Dear god... did I read a single book this year? Uh... I'll get back to you on that.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

RATATOUILLE THE TIKTOK MUSICAL omfg greatest thing ever invented.
Måneskin, sexy beasts that they are.

Barlow&Bear, the talented-beyond-belief duo of my dreams.

26. What did you want and get?

True love <3 Experiences of a lifetime.

27. What did you want and not get?

An apology.

28. What was your favorite film of the year?

I dunno if you noticed but... it's been kinda ~impossible~ to go to the movies as of late so many of these had to wait. Luckily, the internet exists.

Luca.

In the Heights.

Black Widow.

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings.
Encanto.

Don't Look Up.

The French Dispatch.

tick, tick... BOOM!

I have yet to see:

Spiderman: No Way Home (if anyone spoils this for me, I will personally make sure the rest of your life is filled with tiny innumerable inconveniences)

Being the Ricardos.

Licorice Pizza.

West Side Story.

House of Gucci.

C'mon C'mon.

Spencer.

Old.

Cyrano.

Wolf.

Minari.

29. What is one thing that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Look, when I tell you lesbians do it better... they really truly do lmao

30. How would you describe your fashion concept in 2021?

Cottagecore-wannabe/baby-sapphic/yikes-depression.

31. What kept you sane?

Weed lmao kiddinggg (not really) But also my fierce, incomparably loyal friends. And doing theatre. Performing. Singing. Cooking. And knowing how long it would be 'til I could see Zoë again.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Doja Cat is just *perfection* Also, Zoë got me hooked on Machine Gun Kelly and I'm not mad about it. And of course, as always, Zendaya and Tom Holland, who will always have my heart.

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

I'm not even gonna go there. I was simply astonished by how blatantly selfish and arrogant some choose to be.

34. Who do you miss?

Titi. Mami. Zoë. A lot of people.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2021.

Sometimes, people you thought loved you will absolutely break your heart. Hard as it might be, it's okay to let them go. Get angry! Anger is powerful and deserves to be felt! You deserve to have people in your life who will see your value and worth no matter what the circumstance and choose you every time. Make no space for nonsense. You are a GIFT—and not one anyone should take for granted.

36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"You've already won me over, in spite of me

And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet

And don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn't help it, it's all your fault."

"Head Over Feet" by Alanis Morissette

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Amalgamation

Sup.

I haven't been able to write for months. I mean, I've tried. But I never ended up finishing any of the posts I meant to write and so I've been left with an amalgamation of sorts. I thought I'd share them anyway.

..........

It's been exactly one month since I turned twenty and one month since I last saw all my Vassar friends. It's been a month since I had possessions that existed outside of a carry-on suitcase and a month since things started to go downhill.

It's hard to believe that a month ago, I was still convinced I'd be going back to school in two weeks' time; that I'd spend a week touring Chicago with my a cappella group; that I'd get to go back to my room and spend quality time with Jessica, with Charlotte & Leila; that I'd get to crash Evan's room so we could blow out our very late birthday candles; that I'd finally be able to go on a real date with the guy I was trying not to crush on for months.

..........

Heya.

It's late, I know. 

Bit nauseous, bit of a headache. Can't seem to sleep. Just one of those nights, I suppose. 

I'm in a mood I think. There were excellent parts to this week and parts I wish I could forget. My anxiety's been real bad.

..........

Hi friends <3

I meant to write something in the month of October but it seemed to have escaped me. The days dragged on, each one feeling longer than the last. A blur of nightmares, skipped meals, and incomplete assignments. My friends are gems, though. We're all just trying to make it through. Only three weeks til home.

Rip so I wrote that weeks ago

..........

I dunno what's wrong. I mean I should know what's wrong. I'm pretty sure I know what's wrong. I haven't taken my meds for a week. That would do it. It wasn't exactly on purpose. I dunno. Maybe it was. Maybe I'm self-sabotaging again. Maybe my brain doesn't want me to succeed. 

I'm in the middle of a Dungeons and Dragons game at the moment. Should I be paying attention? Probably. I'm trying to. I want to. I also can't shake the need to violently vomit. Withdrawals, probably. Oh, and the Big Sads. That, too.

Being home is hard. It's a lot. It's knocked me down lower than I thought it would. I can't wait to go back home. Real home. School. Where my friends will be. Where I want to be. 

I want to be okay. I want my brain to stop scrambling. I want to feel okay in my body. I don't want to hate being alive. 

I'm trying my best to feel like an interesting person. Like I can be good at things. Like I might have talents. Like I might not be mediocre. The company I keep is hard to beat. Not that there's anything to beat. I'm proud of them. I appreciate them. I love them for who they are. I'm just not them. Or anywhere near them. I want to like myself. 

I'm so tired all the time. My body hurts all the time. I think it thinks I'm fighting a bear every day. Or getting hit by a bus. Or battling the flu. My bones hurt. My muscles ache. My head throbs. My stomach churns. Why do mental poisons seep so deeply into our bodies?

..........

Hi there darlings.

I know the holiday season can be extremely difficult for some of us. It certainly is for me. Whatever your reason may be, I want to make sure you know you are loved and cherished and cared for, if not by anyone else, then by you. Be your own best supporter this holiday season (it's also a-okay to ask for help when you need it.)

..........

It was so bad. The screaming just never stopped. I just wanted to have a good Christmas. A good anything, really. Family isn't supposed to cause you this much pain. It isn't it isn't it isn't. Only a little more and then I'll be home home again. 

..........

We broke up. It was the right choice.

..........

A civil war? In this economy?

..........

HEY BITCHES!

Things have been kinda... good lately? Food has been more stable and fun (I get to cook a lot of it) and my brothers have been nice to me which is unheard of. My dad's about the same but we've binge-watched a lot of shows with my brothers like His Dark Materials and Peaky Blinders and Ink Master. It's been nice. My cats have each slept in my room more so, yaknow, maybe they love me after all. LINNEA ADOPTED A DOG! AND SHE'S NAMING HIM MONET! LIKE A BALLER! And he's going to be my little nephew I am so excited. I started knitting again (thanks to Jessica crocheting boob triangles) and I started collaging again (thanks to an identity crisis.) Oh also JESSICA FINALLY GOT HER ROOM ASSIGNMENT AND SHE'S JUST DOWN THE HALL FROM ME I AM SO BEYOND EXCITED TO SQUEEZE THAT WOMAN AGAIN! And also we finally watched The Warriors (her and her dad's fave movie to watch together, so I think I'm part of the family now.) I'm hella fucking nervous for school to start again because I still don't have my class schedule ahahaha but hopefully the imposter syndrome stops getting to me and I'll actually feel like I belong at Vassar. Oh, and I've made tiktoks? I dunno, man... I'm a new woman or whatever.

..........

Aaaaaand that concludes all the things I meant to write but never finished (minus the Thanksgiving and New Years' posts, those will have to wait.) I know it's not much but I guess you can at least see the progression of my different mental states or something? Wack. Anyway.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Para Mami

Algo que quice escribir hace mucho. Ya basta de esperar.

..........

Para Mami

by: Maya I. Wilson Estrella

I can’t seem to write about anyone but you.

Wanting you to love me. Wanting you to care.

Wanting you to treasure me and always be there.

I’ve been so far away. I haven’t left you notes. 

If I had, would you even read what I wrote?

Wanting you to be proud. Wanting to be good.

Wanting to be just as loud and also understood.

Hold my hand, please. It’s been so long.

I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t want to be wrong.

Have I been missed? Do you remember my name?

It’s me, Ma. Did you notice the rain?

It’s your eyes, your smile, your nose.

I’ve still got all my fingers and all of my toes.

Wanting you closer. Wanting to forget.

Wishing I’d called. Wishing you’d fret.

There were nice parts sometimes.

Petting my hair back, temple kisses, applause.

The times I was purer and devoid of flaws.

You read to me, danced with me, I sang in the womb.

Why’d I have to go on and grow up so soon?

Mándame besos, bendiciones, tu fuerza, tu paz.

Muéstrame que yo sí soy capaz.

I’ll miss you for always, I’ll love you forever,

Gracias a Dios our relationship is better.

..........

Te quiero, Mami.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya

Different and the Same

 Saludos, chiquitines <3 Currently writing to you from my SINGLE dorm room at Vassar (can you tell I'm excited about it?) in the comfort of my squishy, sweaty bed. I've been here about a week already and things are somewhat different but also the same? I dunno, like obviously everybody is wearing masks all the time—yes, even to the bathroom—and I wasn't allowed to hug any of my friends when I arrived and there are tents all over campus that are supposed to be makeshift classrooms and I have to stay six feet apart from everybody at all time, but... I guess this is all still a step up from total isolation in bumfuck nowhere Vermont. Don't get me wrong, Montpelier is a cute little town but SO not where I want to spend the rest of my days. Too insular, too homogenous, too conformist. 

Hang on, I just got a huge wave of fatigue, yikes.

Okay, not dead yet.

Tomorrow is the first day of classes and though I'm excited, I'm a little bit terrified. My first class is Psych Stats which is a math class which means I might die. Then I'm getting lunch with my babes Linnea and Juliana, only head over to Sources of World Drama with Jack and Charlotte and Cameron and all my other fave people afterward. At 3:00pm I've got my second COVID test scheduled and from 4pm to 5pm, I'm meeting with Nicole about some not-so-fun stuff. Overall, quite a busy first day.

Seeing my absolute favorite people over the past week has been magnificent. I couldn't stand being apart from them for months on end. It still super sucks that I can't hug any of them but picnics with Linnea, Jack & Juliana are almost as fun, and aimless wandering around campus with Evan is just as hilarious, and hallway chats with Garret, Charlotte & Leila are just as absurd and entertaining. The only missing link right now is Jessica aka last year's roomie aka my personal comedienne aka the love of my life <3 She decided to study remotely this semester which is completely understandable but I miss her SO MUCH because she brings me so much joy and can make me laugh like no other. The good news is we have a virtual sociology class together so I will get to see her gorgeous face on Zoom every Tuesday and Thursday! Not quite the same, but it's something.

Acquiring food is a little strange because it's all takeout so I just end up hoarding cereal containers so I don't have to get up for breakfast the next morning lol I guess it's a good thing though because it forces me to sit outside and I'm not much of an outdoors fan otherwise ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

My room is everything I could've hoped for and more :) Almost as big as last year's room (which was a double) and so very aesthetically pleasing in my eyes. Even though I forgot to bring an entire box of decorations with me because I'm a genius :) My skincare self-care corner has definitely become an apothecary of sorts and it makes me feel like a witchy queen hehehe My bed is lofted and cozy as ever, what with Evie the Owl, Piglet the Owl, Hobbes the Owl, Bella Moose the Unicorn, and Kuzco the Llama. It's a party every night, obviously. My fairy lights bring me immense joy and my closet happens to be an open plan so I decided to organize my clothes by color gradient and I am very pleased with the result. I've got little postcards on the wall and trinkets from previous adventures and memories from old friends, not to mention my window fan is the closest I'll get to having an AC. 

The Owls won't be able to hold auditions or rehearsals this semester for obvious reasons but we still plan on meeting virtually at least once a week which should be nice. I believe we plan to record some virtual songs this semester and will reveal them as our pseudo "final concert". My fingers are crossed for the spring.

Today is the two year anniversary of Titi's death. I dunno if I was meant to feel something or what. I miss her. But I also know she'd be incredibly proud of me and all that I've overcome. I think she'd find my classes really cool. I'm excited to take Dance Improv because of her. I wanna be like her in so many ways. She still doesn't quite feel gone. I haven't let her feel gone yet, I don't think. I don't want her to be. She's still my favorite. She will never not be.

Javier is a sophomore in high school which blows my mind. I guess I'm a sophomore in college which makes it weirder. He's killing it on all fronts as usual. I really hope I get to see him this winter <3 I don't want him getting any older. My mom and I are on better terms these days. I like it better that way.

I miss my kitties, Phoenix and Scout. I don't miss their fur in my mouth 24/7 tho. I miss Suki. I miss Natasha and our numerous trips to TJ Maxx. I miss watching Umbrella Academy with YD and rambling about how he is literally Klaus. I miss my dad. 

I'm excited and hopeful for this semester. I can't afford not to be. I want so many good things for so many people. I want the people I love to know I love them. I want them to know how valued they are. How much I would do anything for them to be happy. I'm missing a lot of people. But I think about them every day. 

I dunno, y'all. I'm tired and I have to get up early tomorrow and I'm past making coherent sentences. Keeping the lot of you in my thoughts.

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya <3

Temporary Relief Part 4

Saludos, friends <3 Here we are with the final section of this series. Hopefully, I'll be compelled to write something real next time.

..........

1. Which purchase gave you the worst case of buyer's remorse?

If you mean a purchase I regret because it was useless or not at all what was advertised, I can think of a few. Namely, my first ever anti-depressant hahahahahahahahaha Prozac fucking sucked :)

2. When have you been happiest in your life?

Surrounded by the laughter of my friends. Cheesy, I know.

3. Which life-changing event did you think would be negative but has actually been positive?

The first time I auditioned for professional theater. I made it to the final round of casting before getting rejected and at the time, I thought I would never step foot on a stage again. Little did I know I had just caught the theater bug. You're looking at a drama major in the making ;)

4. Who are your happiness role-models?

Bob Ross, Fred Rogers & Steve Irwin because the internet told me so. They are the true holy trinity. Also animals. They are so unafraid to live in the here and now. We have much to learn from them.

5. What was the most fruitless thing you've done to make yourself happier?

Something I'm not very proud of.

6. Which fruit do you wish was more available?

Avocados, man.

7. What's your favorite way to spend time outside?

Me? Outside? Never.

Lol jk I can tolerate being outside as long as I'm near a swimmable body of water.

8. If you could move to the happiest place you can imagine where would that be?

Somewhere with universal healthcare. Bit sad, innit?

9. How much control do you have over your thoughts?

More now than I ever used to.

10. What are you usually doing when you lose yourself in something enjoyable?

Singing or dancing or writing :)

11. When was the last time you swallowed your anger and felt better?

Bitch, NEVER. Anger is meant to be felt. There's a reason it's there.

12. Do you bring energy into a room or suck it out?

I like to think I brighten the energy in a room, but I guess I'll never know for myself.

13. When you get nothing substantial done in a day, how do you feel about yourself?

Ba-su-ra.

14. Is happiness the point?

It's a huge part of the point.

15. If you could be famous for anything what would you choose?

World's most renowned and accessible and successful therapist. It'd be rad to be able to help people while also raking in that ca$h money.  

16. What are your top three strengths?

Oh boy... Resilience, compassion and warmth maybe?

17. If you had to rate your wealth by the quality of your life's relationships how would you measure up?

I'd be a zillionaire, babeyyy ;)

18. What color makes you happiest?

purple purple purple purple purple purple purple <3

19. When you leave your friends are you energized or exhausted?

As an extroverted introvert, most everyone leaves me feeling exhausted save for a select few. It's nothing personal.

20. Does work contribute to your happiness or take away from it?

If you mean my most recent job, being around kids couldn't bring me more joy :)

21. Who's the happiest-smelling person you know?

Happiness smells like something? Who knew ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

22. Which kinds of decisions exhaust you?

The hard ones.

23. How do you decide whether an experience is positive or not?

My gut feeling is typically very opinionated.

24. What bad habits contribute to our unhappiness?

The assumption that we can find permanent happiness outside of ourselves.

25. How much are you influenced by others' unhappiness?

Ya girl is a heavy empath sooooooo... Negative energy hits hard.

26. How much of your day do you spend in your car?

Lmao you thought I had a car 😆

27. Are you book-smart or street-smart?

I'd like to think a bit of both? I can read people pretty well.

28. Are there certain foods or drinks that make you feel happier?

Strawberries and cream, without a doubt.

29. What gives your life meaning?

The people I love.

30. What one thing would make you happy?

Absolving my family of all debts and intergenerational trauma.

31. How much of your thinking is concerned with the past or future?

A lot of it. At this stage in my life, the present is greatly affected by both.

32. When do you get your best ideas?

Circa 3AM EST.

33. When are you happiest?

When I feel useful and appreciated.

34. Are you healthier when you're happier?

A million times more, yes.

35. Who's the best boss you ever had?

Chloe's mom, for sure. Chloe is a dog, by the way.

36. What everyday problem bothers you?

Putting in and taking out my contacts, ugh.

37. What gets you out of bed in the morning?

Very few things lol

38. What's your favorite way to distract yourself?

Pinterest works wonders. Reading old fanfics too.

39. When you shut your eyes at night what do you think about?

The kind of person I want to be in this world. That, and every single embarrassing thing I've ever done in my life :)

40. What's the best part of your physical appearance?

I like my smiley eyes. You know. The squinty eyes I make when I smile. That's how you can tell it's real.

My butt is pretty nice, too ;)

41. Can you overdose on things that make you happy?

You can overdose on anything if you try hard enough.

42. When are you the most impatient?

When I'm hungry or tired. Bonus points if it's both.

43. What do you do for fun?

What do I not do for fun?

44. Do you remember your dreams?

Surprisingly, yes. Nine times outta ten I'll remember the details of my dream the night before. It's pretty sick, not gonna lie.

45. Are you happy right now?

Parts of me are. The rest of me will catch up someday.

..........

These were fun to answer. I hope you had fun reading :)

Hasta la próxima,

Much love xoxo

Maya